Understanding & Healing From Designer Dissociation

Last Trauma Alter?

2011-12-05T21:51:00.000-08:00

Kate's Realization by grace2244 on polyvore.com

I wrote recently about alters Kate and Cassie who merged as Casey. They healed after the knowledge of my beginnings surfaced. Healing happens after trauma is released. So I either began as a genetically engineered egg and sperm (which is all over my earliest birth collages) or it was something brainwashed into the mind of this alter and was split, each holding the same message. Regardless, the two are now one.

I had also stated their healing felt like a kind of ending. Next to surface was a young girl with an odd name, AMABOU, which is the ornithological code for a Mangrove Hummingbird. The girl seemed very healed and settled. In researching the type of bird, it is an endangered species living in the area of Costa Rica. Mangrove trees are fascinating. They live simultaneously on land and sea.

These trees live in two worlds and survive the harshest of environments where most other trees would not survive. It's a great metaphor for having DID...surviving in a dual world of consciousness under extreme circumstances. The hummingbird is lovely with teal and purple markings. Perhaps this symbol of survival is another sign that my trauma has been processed.

Hopefully it will mean I can now focus on resolving PTSD symptoms and extinguishing triggers that are an aftermath of a life of trauma. I love the image of a beautiful hummingbird as a symbol of survival.

Am feeling more hopeful about less down time due to depression from unknown trauma, although I know I don't know everything that happened. Some will always stay tucked away. Why would I want to know every bit of yuck that happened to me. I trust my inner wisdom to show me what I must know as needed from the storage container of "need to know only" trauma.

I don't know if I've integrated or maybe I am mostly but still feel a few parts lingering about. Either way, if this is the final horror or unfathomable truth I had to face, I'm okay with how I am. If this is the case, I'll be able to dictate what I want to work on in therapy to continue the next phase of making my life better instead of being led by the trauma at the time of my therapy session.

Am wanting to release a huge whoosh of air at this achievement. I wish I could say it was an end, but it is more a beginning of increased clarity and hope.

Internal Understanding vs. External Belief

2011-11-16T23:15:00.000-08:00

I am the first to admit the answers uncovered from my decades of amnesia have been unbelievable from the very beginning. It is most difficult to explain how answers come together from a massive cloud of amnesia that was a person's life and it is individual for each survivor. We don't make this stuff up. I believe I'm certainly not the first looking to prove what I'm remembering can't possibly be true. However, there comes a time when the level of unbelievability has a rhyme and reason to it. No one ever wanted anyone to believe what happened to us.

My most recent post still has me whirling and riddled with enormous emotions. I'm sure explaining this process of healing sounds possibly lacking in emotion to make sense of it as a cohesive narrative, but it is definitely not the case.

I know not all who read my blog believe my truth. Since much can't be validated in a court of law, it is my truth alone. However the enormity of survivors around the world with similar memories leads us to believe the same traumas seem to occur, just in different locations and by different people. Most of us do believe there is a manual, for lack of a better term, because what they do to create a dissociative child to become a skilled multitasked "slave" well into adulthood has been proven to work.

I don't ask for belief of my story per se to those who are not survivors. I know other survivors of this nightmare find solace and possibly some validation from the similar types of things they see in my history. But for those seeing this blog and writing it off as absurd, you are the people who allow such horrors to continue so widely and in plain sight. My purpose for this blog has always been to ask for an open mind so the next time you see or hear of something similar, your awareness grows.

It has taken me since 1997 to recover what I have and still there are tons of gaps in my life. I think only certain memories surface to give us some kind of timeline and meaning. Some memories have come up and processed on their own or in a single therapy session while others, like that in the last post, have been trying to come up for 15 years now. I'm sure it's not the last but possibly I'm getting close. The last post was not about memory as much as my history which can only come from an internal source of knowing. I suggest a resource in the post. None of it is easy to comprehend.

I thank my followers and especially those who support me. I'd like to share the huge anger that came from me as an aftermath to knowing of my possible origins. The Polyvore art was done after the writing.

*******

I hate that I had this life

I hate that what was done to me interferes with having a good present day life

I hate that amnesia affects me nearly every day in some regard

I hate the struggle of being me

I hate the strain that being me places on every other relationship in my life

I hate wrestling everyday between dreams for the future or dying so I can just stop this constant battle

I hate that I am back at square one with who I am

I am wrought with grief that I was likely a hidden child made through an agreement with the government and the man who called himself my father

I hate that I live every day in fear of my life

I belong to no one. I relate to no one as family. I am alone. Aside from my current loving relationship, I feel I have no worth except to those I help online.

I hate this strong anger I am feeling while releasing these thoughts.

I hate that I hate my life and more than anything wish for a glimmer of who I truly am

When The Unbelievable Becomes True

2011-11-12T11:01:00.000-08:00

I've been researching mind control for over a decade to include the programs and information released under the Freedom of Information Act. I've been able to sort out what is true and not true for me and my memories or personal history. One part of the information that floods mind control sites has to do with Illuminati bloodlines and how children of royal bloodlines are hidden with other families. I always discounted such information as intentionally misleading to make all mind control information unbelievable.

Genetics and DNA are a huge part of the message of my collages and art over the years but never had an explanation for what was done or how. I thought perhaps my DNA had been tampered with for certain diseases...to make me immune. For example, I've never had the flu or strep throat when everyone around me did.

One consistent message was I was swapped at birth. In the 1950s, whether or not the mother was knocked out on drugs, the baby was whisked away to be cleaned off and then presented with a clean baby upon waking. And it's a no brainer when one is born in a hospital on a military facility known for engaging in the government's covert programs, as I was.

The objective was for me to have as traumatic an experience as possible in the womb to precondition me to dissociating if not in the womb, then easily once I as born. They needed controlled settings. While the public believes cloning and other genetic feats are fairly recent, it has been proven repeatedly that the government is 20-40 years ahead in science and technology before the public ever knows. This is one of those areas where I encourage readers to do their own research rather than take my word for it.

Recently, an online survivor friend was working on a memory that led to her Illuminati connection. I listened and watched her processing and she came up with an answer that certainly seemed plausible. I realized since I had never believed "the hidden Illuminati child" theory that I had never asked inside about whether that was true for me. So I asked the question.

Typically, questions directed inside come up slowly and in puzzle pieces that eventually make sense. This time, the answer came over me immediately as a complete explanation. It wasn't a memory. It was an explanation of my beginnings which goes with inner wisdom. I have spoken much of inner wisdom according to Carl Jung's definition because that is exactly as I have experienced it over the years. That part of me is tapped into universal consciousness and truly knows everything. I strongly suggest the book Jung's Map of the Soul for those interested in an easy-to-understand intro to Jung because his work is so complicated to read and digest.

This is my belief without a doubt regardless of another's belief in it's plausibility. It makes sense from every possible aspect for me. I've been getting some information since 11 years before my memories began. All had been processed inside and I guess the time was right for me to ask that I got a complete answer.

Part of my answer is the assumption of a royalty sperm bank. I don't know if selection is random or intentional. But my mother's egg was fertilized with sperm from a royal donor and a fertilized egg was implanted in a surrogate who was part of the mind control world. I believe my mother was highly dissociative or very easy to hypnotize to engage in some events in my life for which she has no memory. Likely the egg implantation occurred after my mother became pregnant by her husband.

My birth would have been traumatic...C-section according to my internal messages and collages. The surrogate mother may have had multiple births which would also explain feeling an emptiness or loss throughout my life. My father had agreed to this program before impregnating my mother so he knew his own child was turned over to the MC world and his job was to be my terrifying handler. If my mother had given birth to a boy, he lost his only son because his other children were girls. Another reason for him to hate my existence.

My previous blog entry speaks of a program to establish a colony on the moon in the event of a cataclysmic event on Earth. I wondered how I was chosen for THAT program. Now I understand that only those with a royal bloodline would have been trained to complete such a mission. Not only would it be a utopian New World Order society, it would be from all royal bloodlines.

My collages not long ago revealed a program going with my mother that I now understand was showing me I was part of her. It angers me even more that the man who tormented and tortured me for years was not even a relative. I was a hidden child.

I question whether the royals who made donations to the sperm bank even knew about it. We know now that a teenager just had to be highly suggestive to hypnosis to do anything asked, even if against their will. It doesn't mean all royalty is part of some master plan; but whatever group is behind this world plan does know the big picture of the universe they strive to turn into their utopian society.

Having gone through an identity meltdown when I learned I had DID and again when I learned I was intentionally made DID, I now must process this new information. What does this mean to me. I know who I look like now. I never thought I looked like my father when people said I did. I saw the resemblance to my mother only as an adult during one of our last "family" gatherings.

I will never have DNA validation but my internal message is so strong there is no denying my genetic beginnings. I still don't believe all that is said about Illuminati bloodlines and prefer to call it royalty. I'm sure much misinformation is "out there" to make my memories seem entirely implausible. But my purpose in having this blog is to tell my truth.

Father of the Bride by grace2244 featuring TIARA

Destination Moon

2011-10-09T12:21:00.000-07:00

I've agonized about writing this post but decided enough validation was available now to support what was going on with regard to my government/military purpose(s). The majority of my memories from my first few years of healing related to both NASA and Russian space and survival training. So many memories of learning how to survive every possible scenario. I probably have written in earlier posts that I was trained to be a cockroach because they can survive anything.

I never did connect the dots to the astronaut type training. Certainly I wasn't meant to be a mind controlled astronaut. I've also written how I have both U.S. memories as well as being in Russian for "space camp" when I was 12 and lived next door in Iran. My military father was stationed there. I have my report card showing three of four semesters being absent 0 or 1 days. However, the semester that went through Halloween and my birthday and possibly into Christmas because of Thanksgiving and Christmas vacations, I was there less than half the semester but still managed to get As and Bs. I have confirmation I was not sick. I have much conscious memory of my home and school life for that time. However, I was shocked when I found my report card and it validated the memory. I had wondered how I could possibly have been gone that long with no one noticing. Wouldn't people at school have questioned it? My family didn't notice I was gone...but that was part of the dissociative dysfunction of the entire family. Possibly all questions at school were filtered by another part of me.

The memory is being at the astronaut training center, then called Star City. It's now named after Yuri Gagarin who is also in my memories. Recently NASA's space mission came to a halt and we are relying on the Russians for our space transport. In several of my memories, the Russians and US government were working together during the Cold War at a covert level.

A memory began to surface in my Polyvore sets which led to this one:

From Russia with.... by grace2244 on polyvore.com

Based on internal messages that came with the set, I googled colonization of the moon. I learned that Russia's space program began in 1959 and Kennedy gave his "to the moon" speech in 1961. In the 1960s the Army had two projects and Russia also had plans to have a colony on the moon in the event of a cataclysmic event. Back then it was nuclear holocaust. Apparently some of us government programmed children had an alter who would be called out to be transported as part of saving humanity. It would make sense that an experienced astronaut would need to be part of the project. And all participants would need to go through rigorous survival training.

My age made me obsolete for such a plan probably at least 20 years ago. The alter shown in the box is Luna. She was programmed in Russia...meant only to surface if the project were to become necessary. They needed young teens into young adulthood to breed for a new population. Yes, it sounds like science fiction but you can google for your own edification.

I am realizing my multiplicity made it possible for me (any mind control/dissociative being) to be available for any number of covert missions which might be necessary at any time. I also believe that as technology advanced and Mars became a target of interest for colonization, that also became part of the programming. Writing this makes me wonder if Luna's programming and training were extended to include Mars or if there is another or other alters still hiding. Mars came up often in collages and internal messages with no understanding by me.

Am sure these were top secret in 1960 but 40 years has passed so documents have been declassified. That doesn't mean our new generation of government victims aren't still being programmed for colonization. Obviously the ones to be saved have been prechosen and our capabilities to survive in outer space in space stations have been proven even if we aren't ready with technology to actually camp out on the moon.

I first connected to what is known as Monarch Programming but then was led to Dragonfly which I believe was the space part of my purpose. Who knows what else was inside me. I mean I know what skills and training I had and what languages I was taught, but have few areas where I can truly connect the dots. The "earth to the moon" story is now fully understood.

I guess it might sound noble (?) to some that governments had a back up plan to save humanity but nothing justifies the horrific trauma of creating dissociative children from birth and placing them in untold survival scenarios where the memory is constantly believing we were going to die. In addition, that plan meant the new "society" would be entirely of mind controlled beings who would do whatever they were told. "Their" utopia.

This is Luna beginning to remember her fate:

Luna 100911 by grace2244 on polyvore.com

9/11 On My Mind...In 1998

2011-09-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

The morning of 9/11/2001, I was in bed when my husband called to tell me to turn on the television. The first tower had been hit and I was watching live when the second tower was hit. I couldn't leave the television. When the Pentagon was hit though, one of my art collages flashed in my head and I ran to get it. It's a two-sided, large-format collage. That day I nearly passed out as I looked at the tv and down at my collage. It had even more meaning as days went by and more became known about the events. For a long time I thought it was future telling because some of my collages seem not to have meaning until something at a future date happens. Many survivors have extrasensory abilities even if we don't have control over them. They just happen.

It wasn't 2001 but one of the few times I went back to my collages looking for something specific that I found another collage very much connected to 9/11. It was this collage that haunts me that so many details were in my subconscious. I do know I was a courier of information from one handler to another. Only a few things have surfaced from those "mind files". I do know, for instance, that I held something related to Nelson Mandella's imprisonment and possibly negotiations to set him free. But if I had details of a plan for 9/11 in my head since 1997 or before when I stopped being accessible, it means there was a plan...possibly a cooperation since the one collage shows the training of pilots.

Yesterday I watched many of the 9/11 television shows including the hearings of the 9/11 Commission and Rachel Maddow's revealing backdrop of a coverup. Much of what I feared about sharing these collages has been made public, which I why I am sharing them now. My mind control memories began in December 1997 and I stopped being accessible to handlers in September 1997. Either during the 9/11 hearings show or the Rachel Maddow special, a plot as early as 1995 was found by our intelligence agencies citing several targets to be hit by jet planes including The White House, The World Trade Center, and the Pentagon. So I could have had such information in my mind as a courier, which I know was one of my jobs.

I want to share these collages so they are no longer my secret. Even if just a few see who understand the concept of us mind control survivors, I think it's important. The fact this stuff was in my head is horrifying. I do remember feeling like I was somehow at fault as I watched the live coverage. I know that, in itself, is not uncommon for survivors of our kind of abuse and "built" for specific agendas, but I see now there was more to it.

This is the first collage which had no meaning until after the Pentagon was hit.

The lower left looks like two towers of eyes...and zeros. 00 goes with "license to kill". The gray/green item at an angle above the women next to the 00 on black says "ground zero" in gray. Difficult to see. The site was not dubbed "ground zero" for a few days after the tragedy. I wonder who began to use that term. We do know much of the media ties into the MC world in some way. The lower center has an image of women with butterfly nets but just above that are images of towers/smokestacks with faces. In fact there are two blue towers and a CD (the pentagon?) with one more smokestack in yellow. Four planes but only three targets hit. In my metaphorical image language, the blobs of black with colored circles represent biochemical warfare. I wonder if the large cuckoo bird is a crazy plane. Absolut War was correct.

This is the other side of the first collage. The words under the Pentagon say "After all, this was one of our test sites." The image to the right is packaging for the product Urban Decay. Other images go with hydraulics, electrodynamics. The name of the creature on the right was DOE (written in capital letters) which meant nothing at the time but goes with Department of Energy. This two-sided collage is dated 2/21/98.

I have memories of virtual reality and the words under the Pentagon makes me wonder if this wasn't played out in virtual reality scenarios that perhaps I witnessed.

This is the one connected to 9/11 much later primarily because of the very detailed image lower right with the words "Trade Secrets" placed beneath it. The single image shows a tower/building reading instructions. There is a plane flying around it's head. Classes on the ground. The one instructor lower left is pointing to Plan A, B, C, D. Four planes, four plans. Totally dissociated Alice surrounds the image. The top left first shows a typewriter with the words New York Public Library on it. The image immediately below is a destroyed typewriter. Lower left and the "checkpoint charlie" image go with a meeting place to exchange information. I had the collages out because I wanted to see if any of the 9/11 anniversary specials might bring more meaning to some of them. After watching Dateline's two hour tribute on 9/9/11, I screamed when, for the first time, I saw TRADE SECRETS as going with the Trade Centers.

I honestly don't know why this was in my head but it brings up so many questions. I know it will have no bearing on anything or anyone important. All the conspiracy theories have been debunked although some still question. I will never believe that there wasn't cooperation with Bin Laden to put this plan in place. His people are brainwashed and those pilots were trained in America.

If it was foretelling the future, it wouldn't be so shrouded in images of dissociation and the word secret which appears several times on this collage. In fact looking from right to left, it shows Alice with a key in her back headed toward "checkpoint charlie", a meeting place. The image at lower left also indicates two people meeting up. This collage was dated 1/30/98. (My collages were done randomly and without any meaning attached to most of them until months or even years later.)

Rachel Maddow's special had clear evidence of a war machine where several large corporations, including Halliburton, gained millions of dollars in government contracts by our going to war. Dick Cheney was involved with the Pentagon awarding the contracts while connected to Halliburton and also reaped benefits from the company while he was the country's Vice President. While not connected to the 9/11 event per se, our CIA demonstrably disagreed with the connection of Iraq to 9/11 retaliation. Bush ignored the feedback of the CIA and we lost so many soldiers. Obama used CIA intelligence and sent in Seal Team 6 to capture Bin Laden who had been cited as being behind the 9/11 attacks swiftly and decisively. Had Bush chosen to listen to the CIA, all those war contracts would not have been awarded and those companies would not have gained from our being at war. A tragedy to our country on so many levels.

What Appears As One Trigger May Be Several

2011-08-21T09:56:00.000-07:00

My inner world has been quiet lately giving me time to work in therapy on a list of remaining PTSD triggers. A big one for me is eating noises. It had often caused me to leave restaurants before the days of ipods and iphones. Actually I had started to use ear plugs before I had an ipod. Eating with others around was such an anxiety ridden experience.

As a child...even an adult child...eating with my family was a horror of father-made noises, especially slurping. We had dinner manners pounded into us but none applied to him. I recall my younger sister and I at high school age approaching my mother. It stopped for awhile amidst his evil looks at us but then returned.

Several times I had worked with EMDR in therapy to try to resolve this trigger. I was always led back to the horror of the initial trigger. Memories no one ever wants to discover but, to heal from it, they have to be visited, even if only briefly.

Not too long ago, a yogurt commercial on television had me screaming when someone sucked in entire container of yogurt at once. I learned to quickly mute it but also told my therapist how awful it was for me. That was the first time she used the technique of brain spotting with me. She was newly trained. It is simply my eyes following a moving pointer she held vertically in her hands and following her directions for focusing on certain feelings and eye movements. After that one session, I was able to completely tolerate the commercial and it translated to real people and their natural noises of eating with regard to slurping.

More recently, a Kit Kat commercial included a series of people biting into the crunchy bars with close ups of their mouths. Even looking away, it made my anxiety soar and my partner quickly learned to mute it. It came on several times every night about the same time. Because of my current internal quiet time, I was able to work on the crunching noise, again with brain spotting. My therapist expanded the healing to include watching people eat with the message that food was nourishing and enjoyable and I was hearing people enjoy their food. I returned home from the session telling Brian not to mute the commercial that night so we could see what happened. When it aired, we both stared at each other. I was okay. I was really fine. The next night I purposely looked up at the tv to see the people biting into the bar and that was okay too. I also noticed on a tv show that included a family dinner that I wasn't turning away. I was able to hear the conversation instead of fighting with the anxiety of the trigger.

Poor Brian has been eating as quietly as possible for a number of years and now I rarely notice when he has food. We are an informal, eat-in-the-living room couple. However, since resolving the slurping and the crunching, I still jump when his lips smack. This probably sounds bizarre but everything about eating apparently is a trigger. No wonder just working on "eating noises" didn't work.

I already asked my therapist if we could do smacking next while she sucks on a cough drop. lol. It will do the trick. I am/was also triggered by the clinking of silverware against dishes...as in stirring a drink or simply someone's fork hitting the dish while grabbing food. I haven't noticed that in awhile so perhaps it has resolved itself.

I thought it worthwhile to share this discovery since, if work on a generalized trigger is not working, perhaps breaking it down into smaller components will work.

Note: The link provided for brain spotting is a good overview that is not too technical. You can google it to find other references. The most important aspect is that your therapist is properly trained in the technique.

Phones & Tones & Bellish Things

2011-07-20T10:34:00.000-07:00

I've known since my first year of memories that alters were called out by sounds and/or words. As an adult, am fairly certain I was cued by a phone call that had only a tone when I answered. Depending on the frequency of the tone, an assigned alter would then do as trained: call a handler, drive to a designated location, perform a specific task. Of course all this was done without conscious memory. When I would return home, all I would do is either still be asleep or be standing somewhere at home in a stupor.

I do recall often hearing the phone ring (before knowing I had DID) when it wasn't really ringing. It was a joke that I'd answer the phone only to hear a dial tone.

Last week a new television series called Alpha began on the Sci Fi channel. I was triggered and intrigued. Someone did their homework. The concept is people with heightened sensory abilities are brought into a group by a "good guy" who is helping the previously brainwashed people to do good by stopping the people who are doing the brainwashing. In one scene in the season premiere, a young man answers a phone, hears a tone, and proceeds to assassinate someone in a state of amnesia. Once he is in the care of the good guys, he must answer the phone so the tone can be traced. Of course the tone triggers the man into action. Another person quickly injects something into the man's neck (also triggering) but stops the programming and brings him back to awareness.

All this to share why I'm writing this post. During a therapy session yesterday, I did work on my trigger to financial information (stocks, bonds, foreign exchange, offshore accounts). I can hear only so much in conversation or in movies or television before I go into overload and have to leave or turn it off. I knew my last active alter had been cued out at my work place by a specific phrase by a specific person. I learned this through a collage and was able to stop myself from responding.

Using EMDR in therapy, I was led back to the alter. She had never healed. She had been blocked from hearing any more signals but was still hiding in the shadows in fear of being accessed at any moment. She was unaware of present time. While relieved she had not been called on to do anything "bad" with money, she also had never moved into a place of healing. We were able to accomplish that in the session. The issue of tones had not come up because the last handler used a cue phrase.

This morning my iPhone alarm for my 7 a.m. pill went off...the bell tower. I sleep with the phone on my bed because of the morning alarms I need and it's so much easier to turn off. Also, I don't have to worry about power outages at night that affect the alarm clock; and the bell tower is so much less startling than the clock buzzer or other sounds. Back to the bell tower alarm at 7 a.m. this morning...for the first time ever my hand accidentally knocked the phone back against the headboard where it then fell down behind the bed in the crack between the mattress and headboard.

The sound was turned up and the bell tower just played over and over. I ran for the long handled grabber tool. I was unable to reach the phone from the left side of the bed. Bell tower, bell tower, bell tower. Am on sound overload unable to shutdown or turn it off. From the right side of the bed I had trouble seeing the phone but found it after moving some tissues that had also disappeared into the space by the headboard. Finally the phone was within reach and I turned it off.

Three times in the next five minutes I checked to make sure I had turned the alarm off or it hadn't gone off again because I kept hearing it. Then I realized it was playing over and over in my head. Non-stop bell tower. I turned on some favorite music but only heard the bell tower in the background. I grabbed my grounding beads but they didn't help. BB sleeps in the other room due to snoring issues. He hadn't heard any of my trauma. I woke him up and asked him to talk to me hoping a human voice might quell the bells. He couldn't stay awake so I returned to bed grabbing the beads again. This time I turned on Belleruth Naperstek's guided imagery for relaxation. Listening to her voice helped quiet the bells and I fell back asleep.

Stop the Bells! by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

At one point I asked inside if the one playing the bells over and over again could please stop. But I also wondered if the alter who had moved into the healing place yesterday had been triggered by the overwhelming non-stop bells and was stuck in a flashback.

Part of my EMDR session yesterday led me to flashbacks of being programmed for certain alters to respond to certain frequencies followed by ECT (electro-convulsive therapy). Although ECT is said to supposedly erase memory, I wonder if it didn't also serve to reinforce recently-installed programming.

Logic tells me bells were used for very early programming, much like Pavlov's dog. My earliest programming memories though lead to piano tunes of children's songs like Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. But because the alter rescued yesterday seems to feel traumatized by the bells and she had been the last alter to be active in my DID life, bells were likely also used later in life.

My hope in sharing this experience is that it finally processes in me and maybe will help someone else who experienced similar programming.

Dismantling Delgado

2011-07-06T09:59:00.000-07:00

Since my last post, I have still been dealing with the histamine effects. Mostly the rash is dormant now with sporadic itching. My Pycnogenol is kicking in and I'm taking less and less Benadryl. In the aftermath of this latest attack on my body, I wanted to begin working on the Delgado introject. I believe his job is to continue attacking the body. I've had one issue after another and don't want to have another if I can help it...at least not because I was programmed to self destruct.

Yesterday my therapist began work by addressing the internal protagonist. She kept reminding me it was not Jose M. R. Delgado but a part of me made to take on his likeness. The session ended with that part contemplating his fate...to maintain the loyalty through fear of the past or to allow for healing. When I got home I did one Polyvore set after another processing all that was coming up. Eventually I got to the one who was behind the Delgado mask. He was a tortured teen/young man indentured to Delgado.

Shedding Internal Delgado's Mask by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Just prior to my session I had shown a girl imprisoned. Apparently she represented the trauma bond to Delgado.

Untitled by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

After processing Delgado fear and abuse with many sets, I was able to show the young girl as free although she is very confused about what to do with her freedom. My last set showed her contemplating in solitude by the sea. I am sure she will heal with the help of insiders.

Quiet Reflection by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Not long ago I was in a trauma center terrified of my own body. Because of a recent integration, I no longer feel that level of fear. But working with an internalized abuser is rather daunting. Seeing the mask come off to reveal a tortured teen made it easier for me to want this wounded part of me to heal. Clearly he was not doing his job willingly.

Only time will tell if the programming broke. It's impossible to know about back up programming until it turns up. This is the third level of programming I've undone connected to Delgado since my father's death. I can only hope.

I would like to reclaim my life from this point forward, understanding there is still work to do. I have doctor appointments to help me fix what can be fixed of my body to return my quality of life to be more active. It's difficult to believe I'm still doing this much work when I started in 1997. It really is nearly a life sentence to undo the damage. The good news is I still have hope. I'm still evolving into the person who I can be at this time in my life. I know other survivors can too if they keep moving forward. There are times when moving forward was clawing on my hands and knees. I hated what they did to me. But we can't let them win.

We have to live to tell our stories. And we have to keep telling our stories until enough people believe who can help stop it for future generations. Delgado is alive and in his 80s. The world will be better off when he is gone. I hope I will finally have complete peace inside when that happens.

Histamine Programming

2011-06-21T22:17:00.000-07:00

I knew I had histamine programming from the alters who had it though really didn't understand how I was made to be that way. What happened was, at age 16, I had my first full blown allergy attack. My face swelled into a monstrous shape. I tested positive to everything except food allergies and had been on shots into my 30s. I also had chronic sinus infections. It took me years to realize the shots caused the sinus infections and had kept myself in a nonstop cycle for ages.

Possibly I wrote of this before. Several alters would constantly sneeze when trying to speak the truth. I understand that, throughout my life, I was thrown into an allergy attack if my mind got too close to anything of subconscious importance. I found a natural remedy to correct the imbalance of histamine my body was trained to produce. Pycnogenol pine bark (as opposed to grape seed extract) reduced the histamine produced by the body. It limits the manufacture rather than taking additional drugs (antihistamines) to squelch the invaders.

My previous post speaks of the rash I experienced over the weekend which I realized was a body memory based on doctors being totally baffled by it. I recalled though that it began in the very tips of my fingers this past Friday night. If I had been given injections of histamine to cause the itching, it was beneath the nail beds and between the toes.

I couldn't find the original article I had located on the internet of using hypnosis to convince people they were allergic to roses (even when shown an artificial rose). Thought something like that had happened to me. But the injections of histamine in huge quantities to create that reaction in me would have eventually caused my body to adapt to the larger amount. Hence, testing positive to anything that was an irritant to the skin.

When, in early healing, I made a connection of trauma to breathing, my allergies died down on their own and between that winter of my realization and spring, I vowed I would no longer have hayfever beginning that year. And I haven't. When I found the Pycnogenol (I use the GNC brand), I started with 3 a day for a month and weaned to one a day where I've stayed since at least 2000. But earlier this year, I thought I was probably fine without it and, because it is expensive, thought I'd go off it. That was about three months ago. Am guessing the histamine level has grown and may be the reason the memory was even able to emerge in my body. I'll be back on it early July when GNC goes on sale.

Horrid programming but it was easy to stop and keep it stopped. Mind and body connection are amazing. Am still reeling at how few doctors are aware of somatic memories. They could do so much more to help their patients if they had just some foundation of it in their education. Maybe one day in a better future.

30 days 30 diagnoses

2011-06-20T01:18:00.001-07:00

This post deals with issues regarding medication for those with DID as well as how difficult it sometimes becomes to diagnose an illness versus somatic (body) symptoms from an earlier trauma. A key element out of our life is the vast number of doctors who never heard of dissociation in their training.
Shortly after leaving the trauma center in mid-April, I asked to be placed on Abilify to see if it would help my then constant depression and suicidal thoughts. The Pristiq antidepressant had not fully kicked in yet. I do know the Pristiq has fully kicked in now but I began having issues Friday night related to a small rash on my stomach although the main issue was my “9 on a scale of 10” headache. When I awoke on Saturday morning my entire left knee had welts/hives on it as well as other areas of my body. I searched Abilify and rash/hives and found an immediate connection. I called the psychiatrist’s office and spoke to a colleague who supported my stopping my whole 2 mgs of it because of the rash and since I was no longer experiencing suicidal ideation. I also phoned Hershey Medical Center’s nurse triage center to explain what had happened as I had been in the Emergency Room the previous evening. The diagnosis had been a sinus infection on top of the concussion and I had been treated for that. The two minor symptoms that went with the rash were dismissed. I see how they would have done that at the time. I don’t blame them for missing it.

I was sent to an urgent care center in Hershey and seen by a female doctor. She supported going off the Abilify and I assured her I had not taken any that morning. She also prescribed Prednisone and urged me to maintain my Benadryl regimen.
Sunday I woke up amazingly without a headache. The Abilify must have been giving me headaches with the concussion so when the concussion stopped I assumed it was still the concussion. It never occurred to me the Abilify would be causing the headaches. At any rate, I felt great earlier today. I was active, smiling, moving more. But my rash was spreading everywhere and getting uglier by the minute. I believed my throat was tightening making it harder to breathe and no one was home. That is a sign of possible anaphylaxis and I had to call an ambulance because I couldn’t drive from being loopy on Benadryl.

A block away from the house the medic said my lungs were clear so I wasn’t going to have breathing problems. I said she could take me home then because that was all I worried about. She wouldn’t make the ambulance turn around. After seeing me for a few minutes, the doctor determined he didn’t believe it was from the Abilify but didn’t say what either. I was left alone and confused and just wanting to go back home. Eventually a second doctor came in to look at how bad my back was and asked some questions. I asked him what they thought it could be if not the Abilify. They didn’t know. I told him I only thought I might need oxygen and hadn’t questioned the reason for the rash and really didn’t care at that point.

When that doctor left, my mind wandered to body memories. The welts did remind me of insect bites. I had already processed memories involving fire ants, army ants, black widow spiders, and harmless Milk Snakes that resemble the very poisonous Coral snake. My brain quickly scanned my collages and was showing me the bees. I asked the doctor if he’d ever seen anyone bitten by a swarm of bees. He answered he had. I asked that IF I had been bitten, might my back look the way it does. Instead of answering yes or no and keeping it easy, he asked if I had been stung in the past three days. I said know but I believed it was a childhood memory. His answer was, “If you had been stung by a swarm of bees, you would have remembered.” I just sighed at the lack education given to doctors about dissociation and treating trauma survivors.

He finally answered he couldn’t say if that’s what it was or not. He discharged me and sent me home. Bee stings on my home computer looked far too severe for what was going on with me but I looked closely at my toes which seemed to be on fire they were burning/itching so badly. In between every toe was a line similar to a needle track. Now I could see this was something intentionally injected into me. Most of my memories have a trauma aspect and an educational aspect. I understand the trauma aspect. I was likely drugged with Ketamine so could feel and see but not move. An itching agent was injected between my toes (no visible scars to the world). Histamine is a good choice and I do know histamine programming was used on me. It may even have been how they kept alters in the body at one time for “group programming”. Pain made alters leave the body, but itching created a need to stay and scratch. Actually it was interesting reading if not for my toes.

I also looked at images of poison ivy, oak and sumac. My rash looks similar to poison oak in several images. Am sure that was a horrendous experience. Probably used to create my beehive system somehow. No one could get to hive because of the Poison Oak?

My back is just one solid “splash” of rash and hurts more than itches. This is where it sure would be nice for physicians to know their stuff about trauma survivors because many of us have such complex medical issues to begin with. Trying to figure out body memory versus physical manifestation is an uphill battle. Being informed ourselves before seeing a doctor is our best weapon.
I came home knowing the Abilify had been unknowingly causing my headaches, so that was good. I have a very limited diet and I only had added one thing in the past week: Jello Decadent Chocolate Mousse Pudding Cups. I was surprised they were sugar free which I normally don’t eat. I read the label and wrote down the names of the two sugar alternatives. Both were cited numerous times as dangerous to our health. So no more mousse for me. I’ll go back to my delicious and safer Skinny Cow ice cream.

I have my second dose of Prednisone in me now which is keeping me awake all hours which is why I’m writing at 3:28 a.m. Plus my feet and hands just won’t stop with burning in spite of the Benadryl. The rest of the body rash seems to have stopped spreading and has faded a bit.

Some would scream that Abilify was too dangerous to give me but I also took control in that situation. I asked for the lowest dose possible and cut it in half. My suicidal thoughts stopped right away and all I’ve had is a mostly bearable headache while my Pristiq finally kicked in about four weeks after my discharge from the trauma center. Hopefully that boost means I won’t need a substitute for the Abilify. So it did serve an important purpose in my life….to have a life while I was still depressed. As badly as this rash has gotten and how much frustration I growl or scream out, my mind is not going to the suicidal place. I think that’s pretty amazing.

I do see my ears, nose and throat doctor this week, my therapist this week, and my psychiatrist next week. All is under control again except the toes and palms of my hands. They don’t seem to keep me awake as much as my feet though.

Quality of life. Decision we all have to make. This medication as a trade off for not having this emotional ailment. It can be agonizing but information will always be key. My ordeal began Friday night. Sometimes a therapist will intervene and help educate the doctor on the patient’s trauma needs. I didn’t have that this weekend although she did call me to provide encouragement and some suggestions when I texted her on Saturday. She’s great.

I’ll continue to work with her on the memory of the histamine or poison oak or whatever was being done to me. I still think the Delgado perp part is making my life a living hell since my father died. More on that in another post. Be brave. Be your own advocate. Also know when to “hold em” and know when to “fold em”. If my doctor didn’t know about body memories, he certainly didn’t know about DID so I was just quiet on that point. I may be vocal in my blog. But I still have to play the game with certain people in my life, even if it’s just for an emergency room visit. In my area, if someone says they have DID, nothing from that point on is taken seriously. I am an adult survivor of long term child abuse. Period. ‘Nuff said.

Help to Resolve Memories of Drowning

2011-06-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

(This post appeared on Facebook under my page The Truth Behind Dissociation & Child Abuse. I think it warrants being posted for a wider audience.)

I had a memory early on of suffocating then being lifted up by feet and coughing up the water. Then I saw The Abyss where the diver's helmet fills with a liquid that is breathable. Replaces oxygen tanks. This liquid, now called Perflubron, is being used for a variety of purposes to include premature babies to recreate their womblike environment until they heal sufficiently. Movie history claims the breathable liquid was fictional but that was not true. I found research from the 60s that it was being used experimentally on lab animals.

Additionally, the rule for the government/scientific underworld is they are always ahead of public knowledge by about 20 years. My memory of the Perflubron is in the 60s. The movie was released in 1989 but is now a viable treatment for humans.

I am nearly finished with Dan Brown's book The Lost Symbol. He researched much about the Masons to write his book. Much of what he writes I have known. What is not connected in the book is that many survivors of ritual abuse as well as government mind control have memories of Masonic and/or satanic ceremonies. That aside, one scene in the book describes the book's hero, Robert Langdon, being placed in an isolation tank (i.e., Altered States) but with the ability to flood the tank with Perflubron. Someone not knowing about the breathable substance of course believes they are about to drown and is terrified for their life.

Stated in the book is that government torturers in our country use Perflubron for "waterboarding". The victim believes s/he will suffocate and drown but the torturer knows the person will survive since the fluid simply needs to be expelled from the lungs.

Beneath the Surface by grace2244 on polyvore.com

Am sharing this knowing how many survivors of the intentional dissociation abuse have memories of drowning. Perhaps this new perspective will help process that terror. I always wondered why I didn't die with all that was done to me. I figured they had to have a way of knowing I wouldn't die...exactly how far they could go. This insight explains a lot to me. And many of my Polyvore sets show girls or women under water.

Self-Awareness, Extreme Thinking & Balance

2011-05-29T07:43:00.000-07:00

I was completely dissociated when I was 3. Most born into that underground world have intentional trauma in utero to begin the process. Creating anxiety and fear in a baby is simple. Irregular feedings make the baby wonder when and if they will be fed next. Prolonged periods of isolation without light, touch, and food induce fear of abandonment, starvation, and death. All innate survival skills are activated causing the child to be more likely to dissociate before they are able to speak and tell.

We grow up thinking food or death, love or death, helplessness and death. All roads lead to death. That thinking is constantly reinforced as we are raised into adulthood in that environment. Our mind's ability to maintain the abuse in a bubble of amnesia keeps part of our present and all of our past abuse out of our awareness. We are clueless about our double lives (for most of us, at least into our twenties and many a decade or two beyond).

Dissociation Train by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

The healing process of DID is to help us control what has been our mind's automatic response to pain, fear, and even feelings. I was fortunate to be in therapy prior to known DID to identify feelings and learn some good communication and coping skills. Most who learn they have DID haven't had help prior that point. Feeling pain, feeling emotions that are unidentifiable initially, and extreme thinking dominate in the beginning.

I've been healing for 14 years and still have automatic extreme thinking: if not this, then death. Except now it is death at my own hands. Suicide was also a huge part of growing up designer DID. Sharing this is preparation to explain how I analyzed an issue that was feeding into suicidal thoughts I've been struggling with recently.

I've been plagued with suicidal thoughts and vivid imagery since shortly after news of my abuser father's death and got the help needed to stop programming associated with that triggering event. I've written about programming that began once I had stopped the first program. A third round popped up which I believe was shut down. But the vivid images remained in my head. I used my coping skills to get out of my head but was becoming exhausted.

When I connected the worst of the thoughts to the pain that went with my body, I became very proactive. Last week I got in to see my psychiatrist earlier, I saw my family doctor about the lack of relief from concussion headaches, and made an appointment with the specialist who works with part of my body that is a huge trigger in every possible respect. That helped settle my mind about all issues going on in my life except relationship issues...that I didn't know were feeding into the suicidal thoughts.

When I saw my therapist a few days ago, she tried to focus on suicidal thoughts with me but my brain blocked her and I ended up rambling about things going on in my relationship. I thought initially someone inside just wasn't letting me have a good therapy session. But when I got home, I communicated to my partner all that was on my mind. In doing so, I realized not feeling I could do anything about his issues led me to feeling helpless. Helplessness leads to death. Old pattern. But communicating my feelings of helplessness to him really helped make that connection. I doubt that would have happened if I hadn't taken positive action about every other issue I was facing. A breakthrough for me.

As an extreme abuse survivor, stopping the mind from going to "death" as the answer is difficult. But we can remind ourselves there are choices between all and nothing.

Another component that inhibits self-awareness is our training to dissociate pain. I've healed to where I know I have pain and no longer have an automatic dissociative response. I hate pain. However, we multiples tend to grossly underrate the level of pain we do experience. We also have messages about deserving pain which keeps some from seeking medical help until an issue has progressed far beyond a simple intervention.

Having awareness is only the true beginning of healing. After becoming more whole and learning to stay present, only then can we see what we've been missing or feel what we've been missing. Rather than all roads leading to suicide, learning the shades of gray...healthy options...is crucial, although certainly not easy.

I have been dealing with the unmentionable body issue since 2008 not thinking beyond just tolerating it and limiting my activities to accommodate it. Realizing that it was something I could choose to have treated was a very recent thought.

Learning things like yoga and qi gong, meditation and relaxation help all people to find calm and balance in the world. But such things are necessary to multiples. It's also helpful for support people of multiples to know that suicidal thoughts are the "norm" and we have to be reminded there are other ways to think.

I am happy to say the slight medication change made by my psychiatrist helped get those vivid images out of my head that were constantly plaguing me. Am grateful to be able to think a bit more clearly not being focused on ending my life.

Programming is such a complicated issue for support people to grasp. Just know it is something we struggle with for years. And even though I thought I was healed and had unraveled all programming, my father's death was able to trigger something hidden deep inside me just waiting to go off. We truly have no control except to scramble for help when it happens.

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to dissociate at will to get myself out of any uncomfortable or painful feelings. Since that is no longer an option, following the thoughts, self-analysis, and help from my therapist are still going to need to happen to take my life further away from that rabbit hole where I used to be perpetually stuck.

Having said that, sometimes self-awareness truly sucks.

Dissociation: There's An App for That!

2011-05-20T13:03:00.000-07:00

My iPhone has become critical to my functioning in the world and in daily life. I'm going to share several applications that I use to help me. Am sure there are other comparable apps to what I use. And I encourage you to search for your own apps for things to help you with specific tasks.

WAZE
WAZE is a GPS guided speaking application. If you are prone to fugue states while driving or panic when you are lost, this app will show you exactly where you are and find your way back home or wherever you need to go by speaking the directions. No need to be looking at the phone.

The application also "learns" your local routes. For instance, I take my own personal route home to avoid certain roads and highways. Where you know your way around, have WAZE on and ignore the directions it tries to give you. It will adapt as you drive your own route.

I personally like having the voice tell me an exit is coming up or to turn because it takes away the semi-panic if I'm at the correct light to turn each time I go certain places and keeps me from zoning out and passing a turn.

CLOCK
I believe the iPhone clock already on the phone has the alarm, stopwatch, and timer settings. I have all my pill reminder times in there. I often use the timer if I'm taking tylenol and can take the next dose in 4 hours. Or in the morning when I have to wait an hour before eating.

CALENDAR
All appointments go on my calendar. It allows me to select two reminders. Usually I remind myself two hours before and one hour before. I also put recurring events on the calendar instead of using the alarm clock. Change estrogen patch every Wednesday and Saturday, for instance.

SHAZAM
Music is a main component of my soothing world. Shazam is an incredible app that allows you to identify music playing in the background of a movie or television show. The technology blows my mind. Once identified, you can press a button to download the song from iTunes.

iPOD on iPhone
I keep a list of favorite songs so I no longer have to carry my iPod with me as relaxation or tuning out unwanted noises in my environment. Recently I added a playlist of soothing songs for when I just need calming music rather than a mix of music. My ears are extra sensitive to noise so the iPod feature is a great coping skill for me.

iTRANSLATE
If you have insiders who speak different languages, this app is only a couple dollars and will translate five different languages. It also has a button to hear the word or phrase pronounced correctly. I do have German, French, and Russian dictionaries from clues I used to get. Now I can use the app unless I need to see how to spell the word first.

HEALTH APPS
I don't have any yet, but I have friends who have apps to help track calories, daily walking, and other health-related activities. Just search and see the ratings.

I definitely feel more self-sufficient with my iPhone. I have made wrong turns at night coming home from doctor appointments in the winter and was able to use my app to get back on the right road. While not an app, the ability to text my friends in my support network has helped me through a number of panicky times. I love my iPhone.

New Blog Name

2011-05-20T11:55:00.000-07:00

The blog Forbidden Topic has been renamed to better reflect the topic evolution. I use the term "Designer Dissociation" to mean intentionally induced dissociation in children for nefarious purposes by sophisticated abusers and programmers.

This blog begins with education about DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and evolves to include the elements of ritual abuse and government or government-related programs that have and continue to create dissociation in covert programs. While our own government denies the existence of "satanic cults", that is exactly where the sophisticated abusers hide. If a survivor mentions robes or satanic circles, their memories are unilaterally dismissed except by those who have seen the life long damage caused by the horrific trauma inflicted on those who manage to survive.

***The Manual by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Within this blog is information explaining the documented history of mind control specifically with regard to the United States ushering in Nazis to our country under Operation Paperclip shortly following WWII. The Cold War government warriors went to extremes to find the perfect agents. Declassified documents reveal the experiments of MK-Ultra. (The Senate Hearings of MK-Ultra can be found online.) However, the program I survived was already in full motion by 1952 headed up by an underground CIA alongside the Paperclip Nazis.

I know there are thousands of survivors. I don't know about tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of survivors. Whatever the number, we need help untangling ourselves from the webs woven around our identities and missions and even ability to heal.

I've been sharing my journey on this blog for several years. I hope followers will continue following under the new, more appropriate, name. I no longer feel this is a forbidden topic. It is an essential topic that survivors must be able to discuss and learn to heal from one another in a supportive environment.

The Last of Tinkerbelle (?)

2011-05-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

After the scare of the flooding of suicidal thoughts followed by messages that it was an adult Tinkerbelle and her child "pod" trapped, I was able to see my therapist. This mission was to rescue Tink and her little self. Once I was guided inside, all I had to do was watch what was happening and narrate what was unfolding.

Spencer who is both internal and external to the body rescued Tink as she clutched the jar holding her child likeness tightly to her chest. Her exits were either the tear duct by the eye or the nasal passage. As the session began, pain in my left nasal cavity began to pulsate. It stopped as soon as Spencer safely removed her.

Next I saw Spencer gently set her down at the entrance to the heart...where many of my alters have crossed through to heal. Tink was given a choice and she frantically ran into the entrance to reach the other side. Spencer followed her so she would have someone safe behind her. Oddly, as she emerged on the other side, the area of my head that hit the floor when I fell and got my concussion began to feel like it was radiating with healing energy. My head has felt better since then.

After noticing the good feeling where my head had hit the floor, I almost simultaneously felt a sharp pain near the upper back of my right ear. I sensed it was the Delgado part who was in a containment area angry that the Tinkerbelle program was finally dismantled to include the pod regeneration. My therapist was so ingenious in addressing the pain and that part of me. She told me Delgado himself was not inside me but his teachings were. His training and philosophies and programming that had been inflicted on Tinkerbelle and the sister introjects. As the therapist spoke, the fear of Delgado collapsed into a book of his messages. We filed the book in the internal library in the research section. He was a part of my history and his words no longer would control me.

I've felt calm and huge relief since the session. When I got home, I immediately did an art set showing Tink and her little self in their internal safe world. I realized today that they were now able to enjoy the view of the water from above it instead of feeling trapped below it. I have faith that she and the little will heal from the unhealthy attachment to Delgado and the lies and messages they were given. I'm also relieved she wanted very much to be rescued.

Safe in her Healing Home by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

As for any physical benefit, that remains to be seen. But it's my left sinus that has been cause of constant sinus infections for years. I can only hope it's not too late for healing to happen now that the trauma has been removed. At least I'm hoping it's the last trauma connected to my sinuses...and the last Tinkerbelles who needed to be rescued.

Doll Therapy

2011-05-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

I may have mentioned this before but in addition to collaging long before I had internet access, I began to collect stuffed animals...just the ones that "spoke to me". If you have DID, you understand how an inanimate object such as a doll or stuffed animal can seem to be wanting to say something. Those are the ones I bought. Eventually I came to know each as connecting to an alter.

My favorite example is my first acquisition...an alligator with very sad eyes. I first came to know his name: Howard. Eventually I found humanized images of the little boy known as Howard. He told me his name meant "hospital ward" and he had tough skin like an alligator so needles wouldn't hurt.

As a child, I hated dolls. I was overly attached to a teddybear I had gotten at age 3 in Germany. I had it still at age 44 when it became known I had DID. I trashed it immediately after I'd read that children with DID often have an object from childhood that is a reminder of their silencing programming. The bear was very worn and I had stitched up part of its mouth at one time. That's when I began to look for a replacement and many replacements came in the form of many stuffed animals.

It wasn't until I was a therapist that I purchased my first Ashton Drake "So Truly Real" doll, Baby Grace. I now have a collection of seven and had given an eighth away to a relative who loved her. I kept thinking the doll looked like my younger sister as a baby and never "bonded" with her.

My most recent and hopefully final acquisition was Emily Rose who I immediately turned into Tinkerbelle but didn't realize that until the last few weeks. I'd wake up each morning and see her and wonder what she was trying to tell me. I didn't coddle her like I had the other dolls. She's also a bit awkward and rather heavy to carry, unlike the others. She wears full size infant clothes instead of preemie clothes. This is my first picture of her when I had named her a safe name: Kaylee.

Tink is in the highchair on the right. She has a small bear also with a pink tutu. I have since placed a pink ribbon-like hairband in her hand. She is holding her white blanket in her left hand. After returning home from my trauma center stay and processing the milkweed pods that appeared in so many sets, I realized Tink was holding her discarded "veil" which enclosed her in the seed pod.

When the programming broke at the trauma center, the sisters had been connected but the other sister broke the chain leaving Tink holding the connecting end...the ribbon I placed in her hand.

This morning I received the answers I needed to understand many sets I've done of an underwater "see" world. I had a map of my system as layers back in 1998 showing See World as a place I thought had been healed. The surprising answers today were that Tink resides in my tear ducts...or a tear duct...which lead from the eye to the nasal sinus. My recent Polyvore sets can be viewed showing how I came to these answers. This set will get you to the explanation:

Tink's Underwater See World by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

After understanding where she is trapped, I realized I have no idea how to help her until I see my therapist. Since my fall leading to the concussion at the trauma center, my eyes have been a main source of aching and pain which I treat with heat. I also realize Tink has been very unloved. I've dressed her and held her a few times, but mostly she sits in that high chair...almost like a prison.

This morning I have her with me. I removed the ribbon that keeps her tied to the programming from her hand and placed my spa pad on her head. Bizarre? Silly? Who knows. I just know what I do externally with regard to loving the stuffed animals and dolls has an internal impact so am hoping I'm helping her in some way.

Healing can happen in many ways. Follow your instincts and listen inside. You never know what can be a healing tool. Am hoping Tink can be safely moved to a different area of my body where she is free to heal with the others. And perhaps her surfacing last night with strong suicidal thoughts was her cry for help rather than trying to frighten me.

Mindfulness for Trauma

2011-05-11T07:26:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I was fortunate to see an article posted on Facebook regarding mindfulness. What really caught my attention was the last sentence: "What makes life so frightening is that we let ourselves be carried away in the garbage of our whirling minds. We don't have to do that."

In my life as a therapist I had learned and taught mindfulness. I still practice it to some extent by listening to guided imagery to help my body relax to fall asleep. But I’d never seen mindfulness explained so succinctly. I now understand how to use it to get myself out of my head when it is circling with unpleasant memories, the aftermath of nightmares, or, most recently, a barrage of suicidal thoughts.

Without realizing I was practicing mindfulness, one morning after being discharged from the trauma center, I awoke from a horrid nightmare/memory. I can see in retrospect I engaged every one of my senses to keep me out of my head. I turned on my aromatherapy to have the aroma of fresh cotton and have a pleasant and different smell; I grabbed the rosary-like grounding beads I’d made at the Center to have a tactile distraction; I turned on my favorite music to provide soothing sound, and I placed a heated lavender spa pad over my eyes for soothing warmth. It took me nearly three hours to shake the nightmare but it worked.

I had forgotten about the full benefits of mindfulness and hadn’t thought about how it might be used to get me out of my head filled with suicidal images and only tended to make me tense and frightened. The other aspect of mindfulness that I apparently hadn’t grasped initially but hit me between the eyes yesterday was that I was keeping myself stuck by wanting to be the person I was in 2005…happy and healthy. My reality is my body has undergone surgeries and trauma in the past four years that likely will not allow it to be ever be quite the same. Mindfulness is being in the present…not the past or future.

For me, it meant accepting me and my body for where it is today and moving on from now. Wishing for a point in the past is fruitless, frustrating, and stressful. Wishing for me to be healed when I’m not is also not productive. But I can start from today and move in the direction of acknowledging where I am today in terms of mind and body pain to finding ways to move forward as well as handling the days with what is going on NOW.

This morning, in trying to focus on my breathing to get out of my head and the nightmares, I found myself back up in my head. This is why it Is called the practice of mindfulness. As the article states, it takes practice. When focusing on just my breath didn’t work, I turned on music and focused on listening to every word and musical instrument while keeping my hand(s) on the grounding beads. I also had heat on the areas of the body experiencing pain. It is now an hour later and I am up writing this blog post.

We trauma survivors get stuck in our heads a lot and many of us do suffer from chronic pain. Mindfulness is one coping tool. I also use Belleruth Naparstek’s guided imagery for depression, alleviating pain, and IBS. Her voice is so easy to listen to and, for me, she works. Sometimes curling up with a soft stuffie, crying, and listening to sad music is also being in the moment with my feelings. We don’t have to distract from them. Suicidality is one we definitely don’t want to “be in”, but experiencing unpleasant emotions is healthy when done safely. The key is being mindful of how we choose to experience our own pain.

Most in my group on Polyvore use art to get stuck images out of the head. Some might view that as focusing on the thoughts; however the focus is actually on the art: what elements to use to create the set, the colors, the effects, which images best represent the feeling. It is a healthy distraction and release at the same time.

Into the Wind by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Having read the article yesterday and having an “aha” moment, I do feel unstuck from 2005 and have moved my mind to where I am right now with my concussion and body pain from the fall along with frequent suicidal thoughts. And I’m DID. lol. Could there possibly be more? Am sure those reading this do have more. Likely we all feel we are at our maximum tolerance level. Even more reason to find that which helps us cope and live our lives as best we can with what we have day by day. Is it okay to dream? Yes. It’s the wishing we were already there that gets us stuck in a place away from where we need to be…in the moment.

Monarchs, Milkweed, and Pixie Dust

2011-04-25T10:42:00.001-07:00

More Tinkerbelle Programming

Warning to programmed survivors with mind control programming.

I woke up this morning with an answer: “pixie dust” is milkweed”. I ran to the computer and googled milkweed. Germaine facts to me and my system: it is the sole source of food for Monarch butterflies; it is used for medicinal purposes but can also contain a toxin called cardenolides which is a compound that can stop the heart; the seeds are pods which, when open, contain a fluffy white silky substance that is considered a parachute seed because of the way it floats in the wind.

How this translates to my programming

My recent Polyvore sets show Tinkerbelle regenerating…she keeps creating another self as one of her heals. However, her “pixie dust” also spread seeds to grow milkweed inside. In other words, these are the words that go with my inner world. Basically, I was designed to regenerate my system if I got to this place of healing and the self-destruct had been overcome.

After having all this information come to me and creating a set about it, I had some quiet time before leaving for my therapy appointment. I learned from inside that any alter who was shrouded in a milkweed pod was rescued and all milkweed seeds prior to creating a new alter had been made dormant.

Because of the work done at The Center through hypnotherapy, Spencer was able to take the Delgado part of the system into his control. The Delgado introject is contained. Am sure his external death will bring about an internal incident that will result in ultimately healing that part of me.

I believe the secret of the milkweed came from the last Tinkerbelle to surface…the one shown in the Polyvore set from last night:

I could go back to sets from the beginning to see that this had been a major part of my programming:

This set was probably done in early 2009 and was named Monarch and Milkweeds! One of yesterday’s sets is typical of what I now see when I return to the Tinkerbelle sets. In the one image of her in the fetal position in white, she appears as what would be inside a milkweed pod:

My sets of last night had me frightened of driving this morning so I had arranged for my partner to take me to therapy. I was relieved to learn it was because I was so triggered from getting answers that I wouldn’t have been able to drive safely….as opposed to Tinkerbelle planning to take over and cause me to be in a car accident. Even good answers about programming come from a trauma “bubble” which creates much anxiety.

My session today focused on garnering the resources within me to honor the healing and to thank Tinkerbelle for choosing to heal and stop the madness of the regenerating pods. Sounds like a science fiction plot.

My particular program was/is referred to as Monarch programming, but I’ve shared before that I do not think it was the official name of the government program. Clearly Monarch butterflies and their habits were predominant characteristics of alters; i.e., “returning home”. The milkweed was a surprise. Hope I can take a big whoosh now and focus on mending the body rather than on what is being plotted in my subconscious against me.

Tinkerbelle Programming

2011-04-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

As a child programmed according to government design/blueprint/neuorophysics or whatever was done, what I found is likely to be in other survivors. So please use caution when reading if you are a survivor. My programming may not be the same but I prefer to place a warning. I did have many Disney characters within but I called them "fractured fairytales", a term from The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show. Internal stories were intentionally confusing.

While Mickey Mouse was not a story, he was made to be a primary character/essence within me. Initially seeing Mickey Mouse was benign. The programming that led me to seek safety at a facility included Mickey Mouse as the master demon inside me. I'm actually grateful for not having the terror along the road of healing. I will never know if that was the doing of my protector or simply how my healing path arose.

Tinkerbelle had appeared early in healing as a helpful part. I first recall her volunteering to find hidden gyroscopes inside to help stop a major spinning program which made me feel dizzy and nauseous non-stop. After her help, the program slowed down and came to a halt within a day or two. The next time Tinkerbelle came up, she came up with other alters named after characters from Peter Pan. I had thought Peter Pan was the devil placed within me. I also had tremendous confusion about my sisters. Tinkerbelle seemed to "go with" my younger sister but then I would immediately get a conflicting message about my older sister. I did guided imagery to send the parts back to whom they belonged. I realize now no one ever left...it was more of a containment exercise to tuck those alters safely away until I could deal with the programming.

It didn't dawn on me that I might have several Tinkerbelles. Through Polyvore processing my first year, I figured out the very confusing Alice in Wonderland crap we mind control survivors all seem to have. My Alice turned out to be the fusion of Dorothy from Oz, Alice of Wonderland, Tink, and Belle (four alters). I thought all was healed with that integration.

But the programming that led me to the hospital for safety was older and younger sister trauma bonding. The younger sister was connected to Tinkerbelle all along and I believe it was another version of Tink that flew up into my neck at The Center.

This past week I had a session with my therapist explaining something was still in the back of my neck and I kept having disturbing images of knives and pills. My Polyvore sets showed me there was a second Tinkerbelle hidden behind the programming. If the programming were to be dismantled, she simply had the "job" of killing the body. She wasn't a program but she was very strong willed.

I felt sorry for my therapist. Tink "flew" out with an angry voice telling her "I hate you". I was listening from the background. She had been kept hidden deep inside and only knew a world of lies to include that love was pain and pain was love. My therapist countered all the lies and invited her to peek into the world inside where all the others had healed...a world she had been told was dangerous and filled with lies. But she did let that wall down and chose to cross over to the healing side.

Once in Spencer's world, there was no going back but she was asked to consider her options before fleeing. My head actually felt and moved as if an entity were flying around like a moth trapped in a jar. She has settled down and shown me through Polyvore how there were many Tinkerbelles in the system. While I've still had the occasional image of my own demise, I think it is due to her lack of tolerance of the head pain of my current concussion. Now that she knows pain is not love, she despises pain and I have thoughts of not being able to live with the pain. So I guess I can't blame her. I'll have to believe it will get better in 3 to 4 weeks.

Last night I either was lucid dreaming or thinking and fell asleep but distinctly recalled the name of a television show. I couldn't remember this morning so Googled television shows of the 80s and then the 90s and found Picket Fences. Tink was telling me her prison was picket fences. I love the set she did this morning because Dr. Doyle at the center had used stars as a symbol of hope for me when I was depressed. I hope this means she is now safe to the body and choosing to heal.

I wish I'd had the opportunity to truly love my sisters. I see how the programming was designed for us never to be close. But I can develop a close and loving internal relationship.

Getting to Internal Safety–Aftermath of Abuser Death

2011-04-16T10:09:00.001-07:00

I received news of my abuser father’s death on 2/10 and overdosed on 3/13 (see previous blog post). After being discharged from the hospital on 3/15 I began to do art therapy on Polyvore. It showed me that first failed attempt was tied to a series of alters, each a back up for the other…and each with a different method of demise. I hadn’t fought the alter who took the pills. I was co-conscious with her. But the methods tied to the others in the series terrified me. At the end of the three or four other alter attempts was what felt inside to be the introject of Jose Delgado. I felt and believed it could kill me internally without any help from the outside. He was also ready, willing, and able to follow through. My therapist and I both began to make calls to The Center.

While the death programming was triggered by the father’s death, I had been struggling with increased depression for approximately six months. I had tried several adjunct antidepressants along with my Cymbalta until I intuited I needed to back down from the maximum dose of Cymbalta instead of trying to add more meds onto it. I had backed off from 120 mg per day to 90. My therapist shared just prior to my admission she had read research that SSRIs usually wore off after a year or two although they worked very well in the beginning. She reminded me to point that out to the psychiatrist on staff at The Center. Had I not been so depressed when the news of my father began to have aftershocks, perhaps I would have had more strength to fight the programming and dismantle it with the help of my therapist. I also realized my older sister’s birthday had been just a few days before the overdose and I had several introjects of her tied to the programming. So many variables for this storm inside me.
I was able to meet with the psychiatrist the day of admission and together we decided to wean off the Cymbalta and try Pristiq, a similar antidepressant that was normally tolerated well by those on Cymbalta. It was the only meds change suggested…another relief.

My time on the internet was greatly limited and art therapy had been my primary mode of healing from the beginning. Polyvore completely replaced my magazine collages so I was frustrated that tool was basically removed from my healing arsenal. Likely due to the programming, I didn’t get to a place where I felt I could focus on the internal work until the day of my second individual counseling session a week later. Friday was mostly meetings with the people I’d be working with and the weekend was very long and terrifying for me feeling like a ticking bomb.

I had just begun a group on Friday morning where Dr. Glenn Doyle was the facilitator. I felt good energy emanating from him, liked his way of interacting with the group, and knew I wanted him as my individual therapist. Less than five minutes into that group I had been called out but was so grateful to feel that connection. I told everyone I could that I wanted Dr. Doyle as my individual counselor. Someone was able to check and saw I had been assigned to him which did help somewhat.

Over the weekend, one patient was discharged but not before we realized the night before that we were friends from Polyvore and immediately hugged. She adored Dr. Doyle and assured me he knew of mind control, SRA, and programming and it was okay to speak of it. We shared for a few hours before it was bedtime and had a chance to speak in the morning before her discharge. She gave me some questions Dr. Doyle had given her for homework which helped keep me busy until I saw him on Monday. A most serendipitous meeting but wishing we had figured out our connection two days earlier.

Dr. Doyle does hypnotherapy and for the first time in my conscious life, I went to a level where I was “gone” for about 20 minutes of the session. Apparently he just spoke to parts generally to let them know his voice and allow the healed ones to know he was safe. That was Monday. On Tuesday, Dr. Doyle ran at least one of the groups and the Delgado part hated him. As soon as he came into the room I felt movement inside me that felt like kicking or a child’s hand punching. Dr. D paused in the group and said some words to the part and the internal punching stopped.

During my second meeting with Dr. D on Wednesday, I again was gone for 20 minutes. When I woke up, his face appeared as if he had just seen a ghost. I said something to him like “that part can kick my butt, can’t it?” He nodded and said we would work slowly. Fortunately, in the evenings I had just enough time to do one or two Polyvore sets and would email them to him. My set that night was frightening.

I only had individual counseling Monday and Wednesday but Dr. D ran two groups on Friday. I began biting my tongue every time I tried to speak, and it hurt. Before he left on Friday evening he was very kind to do a quick hypnosis to extinguish the tongue biting. I didn’t want that to be happening all weekend.

For our third session, I was consciously connected to Dr. D’s voice the entire time (I think). He asked me what I thought he should focus on. I told him my protector Spencer knew “the plan” and needed Dr. D to work with me while Spencer did his part. But I didn’t know the plan. I heard Dr. D asking for Spencer and about the plan but all I felt was huge resistance so he worked with the resistance instead. Five hours later, I was on Polyvore and Spencer showed me what was behind the big scary “curtain” of Delgado. It was two sister introjects bound together in chains. The younger sister part was still loyal to Delgado and ready to follow through with the programming. The older sister part showed she was not wanting to die and a chain between the sisters was shown to be broken. When I went to bed, Spencer said the sisters had blocked his voice and he needed Dr. D to break the programming because they could hear him. Dr. Doyle got his answer but I had to wait two more days to see Dr. D again. I feared knowing the sisters were behind the scary Delgado façade made it even more likely the programming would go off and kill me with an aneurysm or something else connected to the brain.

Wednesday morning I learned Dr. D would not be coming in and I had no idea if I would see him on Thursday or if he would just do his normal Thursday schedule. I was panicked. During early afternoon group, the facilitator entered and used the words I had collaged previously that I knew were part of the code phrase to trigger the programming. It went off. I immediately felt something “fly” up into the back of my neck by my brain. I truly felt I was going to die any second. The facilitator was not understanding my attempts to get her attention for help so I left the group and went to the nurse’s station. One of the very kind nurses saw how freaked out I was and sat in “the quiet room” with me to help me calm down. She then asked if I was okay to be alone and the part who had taken over answered yes. While alone I began to scratch at my wrist with my nails. I was an observer in the background.

Scratching was something my younger sister did in real life. She was very aggressive and would attack me and older sister with kicking, biting, hair pulling, and scratching. I realized the program went off but only the younger sister part followed through. She was powerless to cause death. I was relieved to know it was not as powerful but I still needed Dr. D’s help to eradicate the program and set the sisters free from the trauma bond to Delgado.

I had the willpower to take sufficient control to walk to the nurse’s station and ask for help to stop scratching my arm. Dr. Doyle saw me first thing when he came in mid-day Thursday and successfully undid the program and anything else that may have been placed in me for harm purposes. It was the first time I felt safe inside my own body since 3/13. I knew I was technically safe to discharge but believed two other issues caused my constant passive death thoughts. I asked if I could stay to see him a few more times before discharge to ensure I was stabilized. That did happen and I have my first session with my own therapist since discharge on 4/13 next week. I wanted Dr. D to do what he felt would be most helpful for my therapist to continue her work with me on my last day.

I entered The Center knowing exactly what programming needed to be undone and I knew that would be in individual counseling. The main focus of The Center, however, is group work which probably is very effective for those without the sophisticated programming found in some SRA realms and the government related programs. However, I did learn and benefited from attending the groups as well.

What I most want to say is the death of a parent abuser is unexpected and traumatic even if we are thinking (as I was) that there would just be relief and possibly celebration. Nearly half of the patient community had recently had an abusive parent die. Even though I had been a therapist, I was unaware of this backlash. I knew that often memories did not surface until an abusive parent or both parents died. But I really thought I had worked through all the father issues. I urge you to have a safety plan if you are a survivor and still have a living parent who was an abuser. You will likely need minimally stronger support from your therapist to get through that time and more self care and nurturing.

This is a long post but wanted to tie it all together in one place. I did have some separation anxiety leaving The Center after three weeks. Coming home was not the smooth joyful transition I expected. I needed adjustment time. I returned home Wednesday evening and had nurturing activities planned for Thursday and Friday. That helped immensely. And even though I successfully transitioned from Cymbalta to my target dosage of Pristiq, I may not feel the impact for a month or longer. I am still depressed and have to be mindful of thinking logically versus depression thinking. In a sense, coming home was like returning to the scene of the crime. Much reflection and sadness.

We need more Dr. Glenn Doyles in the world. I am so grateful my therapist knew of The Center and that Dr. Doyle understood mind control and programming for the help I needed. The psychiatrist I first met with that day of admission and Friday went on vacation and her replacement was wonderful. Again, this world is so lacking in psychiatrists who understand dissociation let alone who are wonderful people willing to work with their patients for the best medication regime.

Several patients were back for repeat visits because of additional crises. I never anticipated acting on suicidal ideation let alone feeling I would need to be in a safe facility to keep parts of me from acting on their programming. The FMSF created such fear by therapists to treat dissociative disorders that only a few good places remain available in the country for the help I needed. I pray one day reason will prevail over fear and centers will open again and insurance companies will not deny such critical care.

Thank you to The Center staff who got me through this terrifying episode in my healing and to all who supported me while I was there.

Help for Someone with a Dissociative Disorder

2011-03-22T20:28:00.001-07:00

As a therapist, I had several occasions where clients needed hospitalization to stabilize from their dissociative disorder. Struggling with flashbacks, memories, denial, backlash from family, etc. can just be too overwhelming. Mostly, in my experience, this additional help is mostly needed in early healing until coping skills are strong enough for the survivor to help themselves through difficult times…along with their therapist.

I worked in a state that had no specialized facilities for treating dissociative disorders approved by the leaders in treating dissociation. The closest one was Sheppard Pratt in Maryland. Some insurances would approve a stay; others would not. When approved, the facility almost always had a waiting list. My suicidal clients sometimes had to hold on for several weeks trying to stay safe until finally admitted. Some attempted suicide and were hospitalized in a psychiatric ward where dissociation was not acknowledged. At least they were safe until a bed became available and were transferred to Sheppard Pratt. A very sad situation.

I have probably stated that in my 14 plus years of healing, I never required hospitalization. I never acted on suicidal ideation. I struggled dearly with overwhelming desires, but managed to get through each time. That is, until last Sunday. Having programming triggered by news of my father’s death, as soon as the suicidal alter stepped in, she had a plan and flew into action. If not for BB’s suspicion mid-pill taking, I might have made it to the coma objective and counted on my DNR.

I’ve now had a week to process all that happened in retrospect which I disclosed in a previous post. Sadie appears to have healed but was connected to several other female SI alters…probably each a back up for the next. I Polyvored for hours to get the answers I needed. Simultaneously, I’ve been trying to get into a hospital highly recommended for treatment of dissociative disorders. My level of depression is still at suicidal level. BB has hidden all pills and knives. Initially I thought I would be admitted Wednesday…which moved to the end of the week…which moved most likely to the beginning of next week. I fully understand the impact this waiting had on my clients. I see the impact it has on me.

Regardless of programming, I know the facility will have coping skills for working with perpetrator introjects. In addition, after seeing my therapist today, she had an aha moment realizing it was me…my most integrated self, with the very deep depression as opposed to an alter. She described SI programming coming up when the host is so depressed as the perfect storm. It’s what I experienced last week. At her suggestion, I created an internal safe room for unsafe alters. I have felt somewhat less fearful of something “going off” until I’m hospitalized. That coping skill is called containment. I’m glad it worked for me.

So a large part of my treatment will also be evaluating my level of depression and perhaps switching some meds around. I am grateful for that. It is also a small 12-bed facility so I know attention will be high. It’s worth holding on to get in. My therapist has been amazing. She is meeting with me again tomorrow. Earlier today I saw my chiropractor. It was right after I got off the phone with the hospital about the further delay and I was in tears. He learned I was waiting and insisted I come each day to see him at no charge to make sure the muscles at the back of my neck are kept relaxed to help me not get too wired. I have a good support system.

Even knowing how much others in my life care, the depression thinking is that it would be easier for everyone if I were no longer here. No one would have to worry about me anymore. I will be okay. I have an appointment for something each day through Friday. I don’t like feeling such a lack of confidence in my ability to handle THIS. I knew before now that I could handle and heal anything that came my way. I suppose many wonder why I share so much. This is my journey. I hope sharing my journey…even this part…will help someone else one day. Thanks for all my friends and family who have supported me through this time.

48 Hours

2011-03-15T18:30:00.001-07:00

Forty eight hours ago I was in the emergency room having taken an overdose of drugs. Guess I was fortunate BB figured something was up before I finished the bottle of Klonipin (90 tables). I had managed to take a handful (10-15) of Oxycodone and three handfuls of Klonopin before running out of water. I was upstairs and BB was downstairs. I had strategically asked him to make a chocolate martini…a rare request. I went down to the kitchen to fill my water thermos. Nothing unusual about that. Got back upstairs, started a bath, put the thermos by the tub and hid the rest of the Klonipin in the towel basket before BB came back up. I was even already relaxed in the tub.

I chugged the martini wanting the pills to kick in quickly. But *I* had carried over a small sharp pair of scissors to the tub as well. That’s what BB questioned. Not a normal item. A part of me I call “the tattletale” told him about the pills. BB called 911 and suggested I put clothes on before the ambulance arrived. They were there in less than five minutes and already I was too drowsy to barely move. Managed to pull on sweat pants and a t-shirt and flop on the bed. The rest was a daze. From the ER I was sent to an inpatient hospital ward. It was where I had served my therapist internship and the “d” word (dissociation) was forbidden. I slept through most of that first day although did speak to a caseworker, and doctor, and a psychiatrist. I did know I needed to be in a safe place. I was very emotional about waking up alive in the morning and it showed.

I know longer felt actively suicidal but had been really shaken about the night before. I did share that tearfully that I was so tired of struggling every day with my healing journey. Mostly the rest of the day I was fuzzyheaded but I kept thinking about something I said to the psychiatrist. In describing what had taken place, I told her “it happened so fast” (taking the pills)…”it was just so fast”. That was not “me” and as the day went on and my head cleared a bit more I was able to clearly see what had happened. I still don’t understand why I didn’t see the signs unless Sadie was preventing that too.

I wrote about Sadie before. She’s an alter I found early on. I knew she went with death. Because she surfaced since my father’s death and I’d been feeling overwhelmingly suicidal since her emergence, I tried working with her internally as well as doing several Polyvore sets. She looked so sad and desolate. I did one set of her alone where several comments said she seemed like she had something very important she had to say. But I did think she was healing.

My therapist was out of town but I wrote her several emails and sent her several Polyvore sets expressing how suicidal I was feeling. It was two weeks before my next appointment but I did ask her if she had something sooner. I even had thought of calling my psychiatrist but it was Sunday when it got so bad and I knew he wasn’t available.Oddly I received a call from the therapist that Sunday offering me an appointment the next day which I readily took.

The retrospective of the event is I had gone upstairs about 7 p.m. for my evening nap but couldn’t relax or sleep. My mind was circling with one though: I want to die. I called BB upstairs to tell him. Guess what I should have said was “I don’t feel safe. Please don’t leave me alone”. Instead I just told him the message in my head. So when I asked him to fix me a drink, that was Sadie’s break. The term I use is “sneaky dissociation”. It felt like me…my thoughts…my actions. But that isn’t how I behave. Sadie snuck into my consciousness without my feeling her although I got up from the unrestful nap feeling shaky and agitated.

The time I was awake at the psych ward, I was still feeling residual agitation. And then reflecting on my words to the psychiatrist that it happened so fast like it had to be done right then. Then came the thought of making the therapy appointment the next day. Sadie must have felt suddenly pressured to act on her impulses since she knew my therapist would focus on her and try to talk her out of her programmed missed to self destruct. After figuring that sequence of events out, I called Wendy. I had missed her Monday appointment but still had my appointment for next week. She asked me about safety if I went back home. I called Brian and asked him to find all my drug stashes and regular supplies of dangerous drugs and hide them and just hand me my daily cup of meds. Wendy had liked that idea.

This morning I woke up happy and giggling with my roommate whom I had befriended. The psychiatrist poked her head in the room while I was giggling. It was time for my progress meeting. I did feel free of Sadie and no thoughts of self harm whatsoever. That came out in the meeting. I was surprised to see about three other people who were social workers and reviewers. I had taken the chance of explaining to the psychiatrist that I had DID and the self harm came from an alter…that was the first day. I feared she chalked me up to permanently crazy knowing in 2003, when I interned there, the word dissociation was not allowed. I was really nervous about thie meeting I found myself in.

Surprisingly, to me, the psychiatrist seemed to understand about Sadie and had even remembered her name. She noted my mood today and asked if I were to be released today, what my safety plan would be. She liked all I told her. One of the social workers had said she would call my psychiatrist to move my appoint up a week if possible. Before that even happened, I was told I was being released today. Wow! Not what I expected going into the meeting. I was discharged about 5 pm and am now home writing this blog entry slightly longer than 48 hours since the overdose.

Lessons to be learned

While I had written several messages about feeling suicidal, I felt I was safe waiting for my therapy appointment. I took for granted that every suicidal alter in my system healed before her programming was carried out. I can never count on that again. The extreme struggling, the emails to my therapist, the desire to call my psychiatrist were all overlooked as warning signs. I didn’t know Sadie’s agenda.

I was extremely relieved that I could speak of my DID at the psych ward to the psychiatrist. She had some grasp of it but I knew she didn’t have the skills to work with Sadie. And I knew if a professional not very experienced in working with suicidal alters could be dangerous. I stated that first day how I believed it was essential I work with my own therapist of 10+ years. And I knew my psychiatrist was affiliated with the psych ward but unfortunately only on an outpatient basis. I may have buried myself by being open about the help I needed…to find and help Sade to heal. The first day the psychiatrist asked for my website which I provided: the knowdissociation.blogspot.com link. I recalled later that would like to the mind control struff and she might just have me on lithium the rest of my life. That morning I was admitted, I asked about the 72 hour release. I asked several time and no one responded. Finally that first night I insisted that I be provided with the form. I was threatened that if I signed the form it likely meant a legal hearing and an extended stay. I signed it anyway.

The psychiatrist mentioned she was aware of the three day form even though it had only been 24 hours. But the rest of the meeting went so well. Something must have struck a chord with her. I like to think that she saw I knew what I need to heal myself.

Sorry this turned out to be so long. I am going to write a note on Facebook on a related matter and will come back and post the link here. I really want survivors to know you can’t let your guard down. You must ask for help in healing. You must accept support for healing. And, most of all, my death wish was so strong but went away in less than two days after Sadie knew she could no longer overdose. Please keep choosing life. I’m glad I’m here to say that.

Allergies and Mind Control

2011-03-12T12:21:00.001-08:00

Because of recent events with my own health, I wanted to document my history and the known history of the government mind control programs. The programs began with Artichoke, followed by Bluebird, and then MK-Ultra, which I believe has changed names throughout the years.

A renowned expert in dissociation, Colin Ross, M.D., authored the book Bluebird: Deliberate Creation of Multiple Personality By Psychiatrists. You can Google him to find his citations of the universities, government sites, doctors and psychiatrists, and companies/individiuals/organizations complicit in MK-Ultra experiments.

Martin Orne was a notorious psychiatrist and “expert hypnotist” who demonstrated extreme extents to which unwitting people would go in a trance state. I ordered a video of one of his subjects and experiments through a psychiatric website. In horror I watched as a woman placed her hand in acid immediately after Orne demonstrated it was indeed extremely dangerous. The woman placed her hand in it after Orne, I believe, suggested It was simply a glass of water. She had no response to the burning effects and simply removed her hand from the glass when asked to do so by Orne. He also held up a huge snake that he had her do something with. I blocked that out. Couldn’t bear to watch. When I became a therapist, I shipped all of my mind control research and tapes to another survivor for safekeeping.

This information is to provide a background for the evil and the ways these government employed participants helped in creating the perfect mind control subjects from birth. In 1997 I came across the actual study done explaining how subjects were made to believe they had allergies to anything suggested to them. That was validation for my own “histamine programming” (my term).

I had at least one alter trained to produce histamines based on environmental and/or informational cues. Basically, if my mind was going near a forbidden topic, I would have an allergy attack. I have a very clear memory of my allergies having a sudden and dramatic onset in September 1969 when I was 16. The moon landing had been that July. I believe my POW memory was that summer. But something happened that summer. I just know I was home to watch the moon landing.

Am not certain it was the first day back to school but that first month back to school my face swelled up unknown to me on the bus trip to the school. A friend on the bus told me I should go to the nurse’s office but wouldn’t tell me why. As soon as I walked into the nurse’s office, she had me lie down and called my mother to take me to the doctor. When she left the office for a minute, I walked into the bathroom and saw my highly distorted swollen face. A panic attack ensued recalling my father had an allergic reaction when I was about 5 where his tongue had swelled in his mouth cutting off his air passage. My mother told me about that only when I was older. Thank goodness that was not the case with me.

That day began a decade-long regimen of allergy tests and allergy shots and constant sinus infections. When I was an adult continuing the allergy shot regimen, I began to realize the shots were causing the sinus infections. I went off the allergy shots and relied solely on nasal sprays and allergy medication. From that time until 1997 I came to dread early Spring and hay fever season. In the mid-90s, my then family doctor began steroid injections to help control the onslaught of sneezing and constant eye-watering. By the third year of steroid injections, I was begging for injections about once a month when they were supposed to last for three months.

One of my early memories in latter 1997 had to do with being suffocated by a pillow by my father. My connection to a memory with breathing issues had an amazing impact. "Magically" my allergy symptoms slowed down dramatically to the point where I had no Spring allergies and required no steroids whatsoever by hay fever season and haven’t since.

Since begging for more steroid in August 1997 and following first abuse memories in September of that year, I came to know an alter, Annie, who constantly sneezed when she emerged. That’s when I came to understand how histamine was used to distract the mind from memory to allergy symptoms. I had begun to use herbal remedies for some non-allergy related symptoms. Once I realized my brain had been trained to produce more histamines, I researched and found that Pycnogenal lowered the level of histamines in the brain as opposed to stopping the overproduction as antihistamines did. I just stopped taking the Pycnogenal recently since I haven’t had allergy issues in about 10 years. I’m guessing my brain is back to normal levels of histamine.

What I do still have are the sinus issues for which I just processed the Delgado memories of using a removable implant in my sinus cavities. Perhaps the artificially induced allergies were more to cover up the sinus issues since that was a major component of Delgado’s mind control methods.

I believe all of my body issues are connected to how my “autonomous” system was able to be internally controlled by alters. My sinus doctor declared me infection free at my last visit but I must use a special medication to help my body do what it cannot do for itself…move accumulation in my sinuses to the nose to exit the body. I’ve been doing guided imagery to imagine the cilia moving again suspecting it froze from trauma.

When I first went on the inhalant to help my sinuses, it was to be three times a day. It caused me to have bronchial spasms which led to my having to take codeine sulphate tablets to quiet the cough. After several tries I found I could take the inhalant once every other day. Now I’m wondering if the bronchial spasm is another conditioned response.

After my cranial sacral massage two weeks ago which opened up my sinus passages, I did cough but without the spasm. It was a normal cough. No traumatic response. Yet last night the bronchial spasm returned with a vengeance. My mind tells me I need to learn how to relax my vocal chords or whatever muscles control the throat. I will work on that.

Since age 16. It just makes me want to sit down on the floor with a blanket and cry. All those shots. All those horrid injections in my sinuses in the 70s and 80s before there was a better way to treat infections. The sinus x-rays and CT scans. It all leads back to the devious mind control methods to keep me from remembering and apparently to ensure I would remain in a desired state of compliance. I like to think of myself as a rebel. I hope that rebelliousness helps me to keep fighting this crap.

Once again, everything is connected to everything.

What Happens When You Reach Clarity?

2011-02-27T18:25:00.000-08:00

The following lyrics are the first verse from Out of Reach sung by Matthew Perryman Jones:

you're always bound to fall
there's nothin you can do
the weight of gravity begins
to pull you down again
so what are you to do now?
stuck between the hope and doubt
you get so close to clarity
makes you question everything

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/out_of_reach_lyrics_matthew_perryman_jones.html
All about Matthew Perryman+Jones: http://www.musictory.com/music/Matthew+Perryman+Jones

These lyrics touch me on such a deep level. Since the loosening of my integration in 2008, I've been on a journey to reclaim the clarity on the other side of the dissociative fog. I now see my world clearly again. Not that I don't have dissociative moments or some still loosely integrated alters, but I see.

I fully awoke to a world where Egypt was having an uprising, albeit for the better; Libya in turmoil, the political factions of the U.S. starkly divided; and a world where the government's goals of 1947 have basically been achieved. It is overwhelming. The concept of life without dissociation as a protective shield is overwhelming. The word "life" is not something familiar to me. My perspective of life is massive, encompassing the world and all going on within it. Clarity suddenly seemed like a nightmare rather than a goal.

A dear friend uses the world life when I use the words "healing journey". I know how to heal; I don't know how to live. She wrote me the best words of wisdom to embrace this new life of clarity. Everything goes back to baby steps. Small movements forward. Breathing, putting one foot in front of the other, doing what I can or doing what I simply want...including nothing. It's all living. I can do that. I can accept that. Rather than take in the whole world at once, I need to go back to filtering to what I can handle.

My take on the world is vastly different than someone without my past, particularly the government aspect. My own government. Clarity also brings the enormity of that covert program into my processing of world events. I realize my truth impacts very few people outside the scope of that abuse. We survivors of that era find each other and provide the support most of the rest of the world prefers to ignore out of ignorance, lack of time, or need to preserve the secrecy.

I'm 58 and only now am seeing the big picture of what happened to me...the goal of the program. But I'm alive and now I have to learn how to live. Am still lacking in complete brain connections but have never lacked critical thinking skills. I just haven't always had the clarity to see all of the issues.

I view myself as a mostly healed survivor of DID and fear my role as having been part of a covert program that hurt many. Difficult juggling of emotions. But I'm here. I'm mostly clear. And I hope my life continues with deeper healing and understanding. Mostly, I hope to learn to embrace this new clarity and allow the goodness of it to enhance the rest of my years.

When An Abuser Dies

2011-02-13T17:25:00.000-08:00

I am certain every survivor will deal with this issue in their own unique way, hopefully with the help and support of friends and therapist. Those with "structured" or sophisticated DID almost always have multiple perpetrators throughout life. Although one child who developed DID from one abusive relative, may also have several abusers throughout life. Perpetrators have a knack for targeting the vulnerable.

When the main abuser(s) are still alive, depending on the level of contact the victim has maintained with them, they may not recall the abuse until after the death. Several times I have known people who did not begin remembering until the death of both parents.

My first memory was father abuse and later came the covert government and military ties along with abusers who were also the original scientists and government figures who were involved in MK-Ultra. I knew who most of my abusers/programmers were. They were the same. The doctors, scientists, and government people were also either pedophiles or knew that frequent sexual abuse maintained the dissociative process. At the time of my memories, several abusers were still alive.

Since they were all prominent, news of their death was often quite public. Most I had already recovered memories; but for at least two, more information surfaced after their death.

I used to think my father's job was "only" to maintain the level of terror and abuse at home when I was not with the program officials. I now believe he was a main player in that military intelligence/CIA/covert world. I received validation within the past two months. My father was an advisor to Vietnam in 1961 which was defined in a documentary as code for CIA before the full "war" broke out. Memories had surfaced of him being with me in settings with other programmers.

I have stated before I grew up in fear of him. After knowing of my DID and subsequent memories, I fully understand the depth of my terror for him. I have not lived near my family since the 70s and my last visit was around the mid-1990s. Earlier this week, I learned my father had passed away.

Initially I had relief that he could never terrorize or hurt me again. Throughout the day many emotions and thoughts surfaced...none of them grief. Part of me was just hoping I would not have to remember any other abuse involving him. It felt as if the news was just traveling through all parts of me and each was having their own reaction.

I had a doctor appointment early evening. After returning home and watching my favorite television shows, I decided to see the online obituary. I knew he had disowned me, but, as far as I knew, my mother and sisters still considered me a part of the family...just the crazy black sheep. However, the obituary did not mention me as one of the daughters. He did manage to get in the final blow. Am guessing if he disavowed knowledge of my existence, he was saying he took no responsibility for his actions.

The real impact came from what that meant to me for the future. Was I also dead to my mother and sisters? I don't have that answer. It's very unsettling. It took a day of emotional turmoil to realize nothing had changed. It still wasn't safe for me to be around my family even if they wanted me to be. So what difference did it really make?

While I would not wish healing from DID on anyone, especially now that my sisters are 55 and 60, in my heart I would like to have the validation while my mother is still alive that he was the person who hurt me beyond what most of the world can believe.

One thing is certain following an abuser's death: emotional turmoil. But we survivors know how to deal with emotional turmoil. We can get past it to get on with our healing toward a more complete and fulfilling life.

Surviving Intense Body Memories

2011-02-06T10:40:00.001-08:00

This is my second month of body memories related to a specific abuser and the pain he caused in my head and sinuses doing his “programming” (work related to the government program of which we were entrenched). Prior to the holidays I developed a sinus infection and was on antibiotics for 20 days followed by Cipro for 10 days. Thank goodness I have an appointment next week. Am hoping the infection is gone and the remaining headache, which feels like the top of my brain is pressing into my skull, is “only” body memory.

On January 1, at least two major parts of me integrated which brought on the post-integration headache I’ve been tolerating. But then more memories surfaced of the abuser, renowned for his work with brain implants, along with memories of a world-famous brain surgeon who died in the mid 70s. The abuse memory is from age 10 and/or prior. It is known both had worked together. My memory is of a removable implant through the sinus cavity which rests next to the brain in the forehead and at the lower back of the neck. It must have been extremely painful getting them into place. It also answers the question why I don’t have some microchip imbedded in me somewhere.

The first abuser is still alive and just last week I learned he relocated from his homeland of Spain to San Diego. My fear level has risen exponentially. If he is in the United States, you can be sure he is under government contract and San Diego is right next to a huge naval base. The primary backer of his MK-Ultra time period research was the Office of Naval Intelligence and likely that has not changed. Which validates for me that mind control techniques are still being used. Today, the watch a person is wearing or the cell phone assigned might have the needed receiver to trigger specific areas of the brain. It certainly makes me wonder each time the news screams of an individual “suddenly” going into a rage and killing innocent bystanders.

My head is pounding simply writing. I’ve had several massages. At home I completely wrap my head up in heat, including my face. I hate taking drugs so have only taken Advil but it doesn’t help much.

This started before knowing about his move. Did some part of me know that? Maybe I needed to know. I’ve been very vocal about my abuse and naming names. Perhaps it’s narcissistic to think “they” would want to get me back to him for re-torturing or some other horrible demise; but that is what is on my mind…weighing very heavily on my mind and hoping coping skills and continued healing of surfacing parts or fragments will eventually alleviate this pain.

I hate, that at birth…the planning before my birth, came with a life sentence of remembering what was done to me so parts stuck deep inside could eventually heal. Often I wonder if it will ever end and if I can really continue to cope with the intensity of emotions. Some days it really is just too much. Am grateful for microwaves and heated spa wraps to keep me sane.

Consciousness Explored

2011-01-10T12:57:00.000-08:00

I just watched The Secret You, a free video online, that explores the nature of consciousness. For those with DID, it is possible you may find this too triggering to watch. At one point I know I would have been unable to watch. Today I found it fascinating.

Basically, consciousness is the integration of thought, and those of us with DID, did not have that integration. And in not having that integration of thought neurons, we did not have free will.

Some survivors know, and it has been proven, that the technology in the public realm now was known at least 20 years ago to the scientific underground. Knowing that, you can see in this film ways our programmers could have really messed with our brains and/or created certain types of alters.

I know virtually reality was used on me when I was younger which is an experience that feels real and could have been made traumatic. These new methods could just have easily been used for nefarious purposes.

Just another look at how we were likely "built".

Flow Chart of Sickening Truth

2010-12-29T12:13:00.000-08:00

Playing Both Sides by grace2244 (forever behind) on Polyvore.com

WTF are introjects?

2010-12-19T15:10:00.000-08:00

Introjects are confusing. It's confusing talking about them because it involves an alter/dissociative split that represents someone also known in the outside world.

Unfortunately, within the system (referring to all alters and any internal structures) there are typically several introjects especially those that represent prominent abusers. Currently I'm working with two sister introjects. They have different names inside. And scary things went with each of them.

The important concept to remember is that an introject is a split from the self holding onto the memories of that outside person. It is also a part of us that must be heard and heal like any other self.

Confusion comes in several ways. The introject "feels" like the real person...carries the same characteristics and persona. An introject is only holding such things for a specific person. Each alter/self was created for a specific role in the system. Those of us with sophisticated programmers might run into several programs designed to keep us away from discovering or even healing to the point of finding an introject. Mostly I experience headaches and dizziness.

I only had a small number of parts who freaked me out that I could only go near in a therapy session. Oddly, the most frightening ones turned out to be littles who were made to look and act terrifying.

When an introject reflects a known abuser and internally creates the terror inside that was also created outside, approaching the part is a thought that can create panic. I had to keep reminding myself that inside it is NOT that person...it is a part of me who needs to heal. And what a horrid job that part of me had...to recreate the terror that part knew him/herself. The introject is usually very relieved not to have that job anymore.

It took me ages to understand introjects. Reading about one and how to help someone heal an introject is different than dealing with one of my own. Only then did the "education" make any sense. In my case, that may also have been intentional confusion to keep me away from the word. I wasn't ever supposed to know of such things, or so the abusers hoped.

In any event, I hope sharing this might help another. As for my introjected sisters, after several weeks of doing sister sets on Polyvore, I've come to realize the sisters are merged with each other. I think that one sister representation is or has been integrating into me. I'm not sure if it's done. This is revolving around a Christmas memory in 1955 so I suspect that might be a present for me.

More Realizations--What Could Have Been

2010-12-15T14:09:00.000-08:00

Since writing my earlier post, new information and puzzle pieces have been landing in my head. I'm on Facebook so some followers of the blog may have already read this in a Note. Last Friday I missed a dentist appointment in spite of having had it on a physical calender and my iphone with two back up reminders. About the time I was supposed to have gone to the dentist, I spontaneously decided to run to the drugstore. The first time I saw my phone that day was when I came out of the drugstore. It was after 4 pm and I saw the dentist had called.

I was horrified because the dentist was doing me a favor by fitting me in that day. The office was very nice and rescheduled me for Monday. On Monday early afternoon I realized my phone alarms had not gone off for my vitamins. The volume was fine but the SILENCE switch had been turned on. Brian said he hadn't done it and it's not something that can happen accidentally. That's when I said, "Someone really doesn't want to go to the dentist."

That night I was consciously powering my phone off and saw that the SILENCE switch had been turned on again (but my 10 p.m. alarm had sounded). That's my reference in the previous post that someone inside me was acting without my conscious knowledge.

In sharing what had happened with the Polyvore set, "In Transit", shown below, I got hit with another realization. My older sister (internally named Lizzie) HATED going to the dentist. My mother always had to be sneaky about when Lizzie had the next appointment and tell her 10 minutes before. She was telling me who she was but I hadn't gotten the message without the answer that she was still "in transit".

Now for the scary part. The internalized sister parts of me, along with others, were programmed to take over consciousness and return to the fold, so to speak...whatever military base had last been the message or a certain address. The sister parts didn't surface until after I thought I had been fully integrated.

I don't know for certain whether other parts remain hidden deeply because they would have been too dangerous to surface before my current level of healing. I know that my protector would not have allowed anything dangerous to happen, but her having taken over my consciousness several times in the past week has been disconcerting. Better to miss a dentist appointment than return myself to hands that knew how to break me or worse. This was something that came up so many times in undoing my layers of programming. I wonder how many of us (from this type of programming) never get to fully heal because an alter turns themselves in or self-destructs.

A few years into my healing, several layers of programming had the message of going to visit my older sister (report back to the family). I'm so sad that she is part of that world and doesn't know it. Neither sister, to my knowledge, has awareness of our abuse.

I want to remember Lizzie as sitting on the floor of our bedroom when I was 4 or 5 and teaching me how to tie my shoes. Which brings to mind one more amazing aspect of DID. When I did internalize a person, their personality quirks (if known in conscious life) came with them, along with the original goodness they were meant to have. That Lizzie hated the dentist is just weird.

One more mystery that likely goes with Lizzie is my Thumper voice...a little who slurs words and mumbles. Except that voice sounds the same as my adult voice in my head. Only outsiders can hear the difference. Even as an adult, Lizzie tended to speak very softly and mumble. I used to stare at her mouth and wonder how she could speak when it seemed as if her lips weren't moving. Brian confirmed that I haven't always had the Thumper voice. It's something "fairly recent".

We're betting the Thumper voice will integrate with Lizzie. This is a big puzzle.

Answers Come in Mysterious Ways

2010-12-15T12:37:00.000-08:00

One of the more frustrating aspects of healing from DID is waiting for an answer. For a multiple, we can ask inside for an answer. Sometimes an alter or protector will give a direct answer. Sometimes the answer is just another puzzle. Often there is silence.

Lately I've had parts of me emerge who represented my internalized sisters. I've also had noticeable activity by someone inside. Noticing one's own dissociated actions after the fact is always jarring to some extent. Last night when I went to bed, I asked inside of the two sisters had integrated with me. I fell asleep, which often happens when I try to get an answer.

This morning, as I often do, I go check out my sets on Polyvore and look at sets done by others. I also find new items to create my own art. This is the inexplicable synchronicity of my personal healing. I visited sets from someone I hadn't visited in ages. While there I found an item I liked which led me to several others. By the time I was done collecting interesting things, I had a set in mind.

I created a set knowing a Japanese person goes with my older sister. It was a really cool set, IMO, and wanted music to go with it. I searched "mannequin" hoping for a song about mannequins. Instead, an artist named Jack Mannequin came up. I did choose one of his songs but had used the name of one of his other songs for the set title, In Transit.

In Transit by grace2244 (forever behind) on Polyvore.com

Several hours after doing the set it dawned on me that the set was the answer to last night's question. The alter that goes with my older sister is still "in transit". Pretty cool stuff.

The fallacy of 1 in 100

2010-11-01T18:39:00.000-07:00

The most used statistic in texts on dissociation or that include dissociation is 1 in 100 people could have it. A rare diagnosis. I can't address the entire population as to validity of 1 in 100 but in the realm of child abuse or adult survivors of child abuse, that number changes drastically. Here are some current statistics:

National child maltreatment estimates for Federal fiscal year (FFY) 2008 are based on child populations for the 50 States, the District of Columbia, and the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico. During FFY 2008:

An estimated 772,000 children were victims of maltreatment;

Nearly 33 percent (32.6%) of all victims of maltreatment were younger than 4 years old (figure 3–3). An additional 23.6 percent were in the age group 4–7 years

Nearly 39 percent (38.3%) of victims were maltreated by their mother acting alone (figure 3–6). Approximately 18 percent (18.1%) of victims were maltreated by their father acting alone. Nearly 18 percent (17.9%) were maltreated by both parents.

Source: http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/pubs/cm08/chapter3.htm#child

Children who become DID are usually the ones in homes where incest or any intense and consistent abuse begins prior to age 6, although some children have become DID as late as age 9. So all children in the above statistics maltreated by one or both parents equates to more than 50% of 772,000 children who could develop DID if the maltreatment is sufficiently traumatic.

Another source, National Child Abuse Statistics, cites: In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were involved in an estimated 3.2 million child abuse reports and allegations. 90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way; 68% are abused by family members. Average age of molestation was age 9.

Again, DID is directly related to the proportion of children whose consistent abuse begins at a pre-school age, which means likely 30-40% of those children abused by family members (1 million out of 5.2 million) or roughly 19%. Why 30-40%? The average age of molestation was 9 meaning half (50%) of those children were under age 9. I chose a lesser amount to be on the conservative side.

It is easy to see that in the population of children raised in homes with abusive children have roughly a 19% chance of developing DID, much higher than the often believed 1 in 100. DID is a well kept secret of the underground and much aligned “disorder” by well funded organizations attempting to protect disclosure for their own agendas.

It's time see see the reality. Therapists working with survivors of child abuse are going to have much higher incidence of DID than that reported in their textbooks while earning their degrees.

October Surprise

2010-10-28T08:31:00.000-07:00

Once again synchronicity has led me to an answer...a body memory mystery I recall having since my 20s. However, in my 20s, I was completely dissociative in that insiders were trained to keep me from noticing too much of anything.

I believe I've shared about my body memory of cigarette burns in my genital area which I've tried to resolve many times in therapy because of the pain. The burns came up first as a slightly sore bump and rapidly spread from bump into the form of many tiny bumps with fiery burning for 24-48 hours.

Several years ago I became aware that prior to cigarette burns appearing, my right groin and down into my right upper thigh become sore. If men are reading this, excuse the body references. Initially it would feel like undies were too tight and I'd tug at the elastic that hit the groin area on the right. Or I assumed my jeans were cutting into me. Possibly in my 30s but definitely by my 40s, I stopped wearing jeans believing they were causing the problem. Apparently I dissociated any blisters or burning.

After memories began in my mid-40s, I was very aware of the blisters but didn't connect them to cigarette burns until later in my healing. I came to know it as a short-lived painful time. I knew the burns were a part of very early abuse...something that would traumatize a baby who only knew sounds and sensations.

The burns have become quite infrequent. Am not recalling the last time but possibly once in the past year. Last night I was tugging at my undies thinking not all the detergent had washed out in the laundry (a common first thought). By bed time, I was commando and even my numbing cream for my painful surgery scars didn't work.

Back up to yesterday when I participated in a discussion on Copperstrings about communicating with body parts in pain or bothersome. Ask it would it would like to say. This was a very effective technique when I was a therapist. People would blurt out the most amazing answers where they suddenly understood what their specific pain related to. I don't recall ever having done that for myself. I have a part (wisdom of the body) who I've come to rely on to tell me. But this groin pain is such a mystery.

Logically I imagined the upper thigh and groin pain was someone who held my leg tightly while another burned with a cigarette likely repeating "messages" that would become part of the belief system they were building for me.

One more piece of the puzzle is my discovery of a butterfly shape seared into my labia. It was not a tattoo. It was branding with a branding iron. Possibly my left leg was immobilized while someone pulled my right leg roughly to the side wide enough to allow for the branding.

In conjunction with the groin pain that arose last night, my right jaw bone (joint?) has been very sore. Pressure to keep me silent during the branding?

This morning I woke up with a very wide area of my right inner thigh too sore to touch. Am sure the date plays a role because I have terrifying memory of my first Halloween. I would have been 11 months old. While placing special cream on the sore area earlier, I recalled what I wrote yesterday and asked my thigh what it wanted to say. "Get that iron away from me!"

The long sought after answer. At 11 months of age, that butterfly was made a part of my being. A symbol to others I was officially part of the government program. Perhaps the cigarette burns were reminders of that pain and additions to the message that I belonged to them.

So many puzzle pieces here. Many years of questions and painful days. Am praying this one time this traditionally precursor pain to the blisters is all I need to know. I have my answer to when and how that tattoo came to be placed on me.

Validation is a bitch.

21/111 Scraps by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

The Experts on DID have not had DID

2010-10-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

When I first began to read about DID, rather voraciously, I read The Family Inside followed by Beyond Integration, both by the same authors. In other books I read, "integration" appeared to be the end of DID. The person becomes singular with one mind, one self. That may be the case with some. All victims with DID have had horrific childhoods. The variable is the intensity and consistency of the abuse once the child's mind fragments, in my perspective.

When I integrated in Nov 2002, I thought that was it. But it wasn't. It gave me a new stronger self to deal with the next level of healing...deeper trauma. The integration itself was a rather spectacular internal event. No doubt in my mind that is what had happened.

I was a year into grad school when the first integration happened which probably helped me absorb much more of my classes. (I graduated with a 4.0 gpa.) In November 2003, a month prior to my graduation, I experienced a second integration. I did feel stronger, more confident, ready to be a therapist and began that career full time in January 2004.

I had very few new issues and only saw my therapist once a month, mostly to process client issues I was not releasing as effectively as I needed to. I recall not being able to "go inside". I believed it was made necessary for me to stay "out" to keep me from returning to that place of dissociation inside. I had friends and a social life. I was happy.

I've discussed this before here and/or on Facebook, but also had a new insight into the events. In 2007 I encountered several scary body issues along with a female "specialist" who I believed was the best person at the time. She performed three surgeries on me, all of which caused harm to my body, although that was not known until after the third surgery and getting myself into the hands of highly qualified specialists.

After two more surgeries to fix the first surgeon's mistakes and to get me back to health and physical therapy which thankfully allowed me not to have a third corrective surgery, I was a physical and emotional mess. I realized in retrospect that my mind viewed the medical experience as trauma and placed "distance" between me and my feelings until much later. I had PTSD to the first surgeon's name (heard on radio and seen/heard on television and billboards).

That new trauma created several littles but also opened me up to old traumas that had newly surfaced. Work that needed to be done for ongoing healing but was okay to put on hold while I was a therapist. For nearly a year I had hoped I would return to work. Finally I realized I could not return because of the fragility of my own emotional state.

This blog which began as therapist me educating others about DID has now transitioned into knowledge learned becoming and being a therapist along with another phase of my healing journey from DID. For the past year or so, I've been going through what I knew was "fusion" from my insiders but I'm not done yet.

Some books on DID speak of a fusion process in addition to integration while other books use the terms interchangeably. On Facebook, I've been part of discussions by many with trauma backgrounds including DID. I need that again as one still healing. Those on the far side of healing (beyond integration?) believe it may be a lifelong process of always having some vestiges of the abuse. None of us really knows.

Even when I felt healed as a therapist, I could still hear my inner wisdom and sometimes protectors when I was in fearful situations. But all people have ego states...different states of being at different times. It felt normal to me. Now I know there are at least a few left who apparently are trying to merge so that *I* am part of the healed being.

Whatever you think might happen to be healed or whatever term you use for it I believe is individual. I don't think it's fair to label an ending when few have reached a point of having no more issues. Recently several readers of this blog expressed shock that I claimed to be integrated but was still dealing with DID. That is the case for me and the experts don't always know the answers, especially if they haven't been through it themselves. I can see where some may have claimed clients were healed after integration. Perhaps they didn't have a client who experienced a new trauma post integration.

This blog is my sharing so others can connect or not. My goal is only that some are helped by my knowledge and healing which goes along with struggling. I am not the competent trauma therapist at the moment. I could be a competent trainer of therapists who would like to work with dissociation. That would not engage the emotions as a client going through the same issues as me would. Part of being a good therapist is knowing my limitations.

Thanks to those who have been taking this journey with me.

Forever in the background by grace2244 (semi-absent) on Polyvore.com

Healing Body Work

2010-10-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

Often I see or *hear* a cringe when I mention various work I've had over the years that I believe have been an integral part of my overall healing. One of my recommended resources is The Body Remembers which explains how the body stores trauma memories just as the mind does.

More and more somatic (body) therapies are being used to help heal trauma including PTSD in war veterans. I had the privilege of attending a workshop by Pat Ogden who is one of the leaders in the field. She coaches the client to move the body (on their own) to release where the body feels locked or tight or sore.

Peter A. Levine's book Waking the Tiger addresses the need for humans to "shake off" (engage the body in releasing trauma) much the way animals do in the wild to survive.

Ogden and Levine's methods are client initiated and do not involve touching on the part of the therapist except possibly as a target or to provide resistance for pushing.

Where the greatest resistance seems to be is in massage...another person touching the body. I know through my own massage therapist there are techniques such an Indian Head Massage where the client is fully clothed and sits in a chair. It could be a gentle way to become familiar with the healing benefits of massage.

I don't know why I had no aversion to massage. I used to have some relaxation massage before known trauma. Perhaps that is why. Throughout healing, I've had Reiki, a bit of acupuncture, deep tissue work, hot stone massage, cranial sacral massage, and today I was introduced to a technique called cupping.

I learned of cranial sacral through another survivor in the late 90s. The masseuse must have special training. It sounds like it is only the head but it encompasses the whole body. Cranial sacral fluid flows throughout the body and the therapist feels for blockages and uses a light touch around those areas for release. I always felt better afterwards but it didn't have the feel of the deep tissue or hot rock which I like...a harder touch that feels like it's really getting to the tight muscles.

It's been a long time since I've had so many knots in my head and neck and upper back, which I thought related solely to my two week cold. Internally I sensed there might be tension and should have some work done. I just needed from shoulders up worked on but I love the warmed massage table. A masseuse will work with your comfort level so you just need to communicate where you are uncomfortable with touches and/or be able to ask the person to stop if something feels uncomfortable.

The cupping was a gentle suction sensation created by cups (adapted to area of body being worked on) attached to a machine. Very comfortable. It released tension through suction instead of compression.

You can also do your own body work to some extent, especially hand and foot massage. Those appendages carry nerves to every area of the body. So if you work out a hard knot between your toes, for example, it may well be alleviating a headache. Charts are online if you want to know what is what. I just tend to feel around and massage sore spots.

I also have a massager that can reach behind me to get behind my shoulders and slightly under shoulder blades where tension can hide for a long time. A Shiatsu pillow is my favorite for lower or mid back pain.

I encourage all the listen to their bodies. For those with DID, you probably know that alters can "live" in different parts of the body. I used to have parts sometimes heal as they were released from the knot they were in. If you haven't tried body work as a healing modality, maybe it's worth looking into.

My Depression Reality

2010-10-07T11:23:00.000-07:00

Untitled by grace2244 (sorta quiet) on Polyvore.com

I was born depressed. Kids weren't seen as having depression in the 50s and 60s. But I had the "I wish I would die cuz I'm so tired" thought at least since high school. Some of this I've shared before but feel the need to write again now. As an adult, before I knew I had DID, I had tried numerous antidepressants, none of which I could tolerate. Post DID diagnosis I know my total was at least 20 antidepressants that weren't tolerable so I healed as far as grad school and into full-time therapist without antidepressants. I had been taking Klonipin to help me sleep for quite a few years and still am.

Early 2005 I came to realize how down I was when my friends kept asking if I was excited about my trip to Italy in May and realized I really wasn't. I wanted to be. Then in February I woke up one day in tears and couldn't stop crying. Emergency call to my therapist. I had to be able to work. I couldn't let depression stop me from my career. By then Cymbalta was on the market and made to address both depression and PTSD. It worked. The tears stopped the next day. By April I was genuinely happy and felt I no longer had the default "I want to die" message. Life was wonderful.

I'd been on only a very small dosage of Cymbalta that changed my life. And all was well until a year after all the pelvic surgeries and hospitalizations. My depression had increased beyond where I could function. Cymbalta was bumped to where it made a difference...30 mg to 120 mg (max dose). Was feeling better...not crying every day.

When my body issues had impacted so much of my being, I fell even further. Since then it has been a battle to find an adjunct happy pill. I was feeling better on Wellbutrin but developed a tremor from it. Am now working on another and it is just not making a difference.

I know all the coping skills for depression but I get to a "why bother" point and really just wish I'd magically die quietly overnight or magically no longer need a drug induced state of well being. This is long term effects of trauma. Every day of my life.

I had most of 2005 and 2006 as a happy person. Not just "not depressed" but at a level I never imagined because I'd never experienced it before. I want to be that person again for me and for BB. He doesn't deserve a lump for a partner. I have my sense of humor even when I'm depressed which is a sort of coping skill.

Recent efforts to be heard as an advocate in changing strategies to target pedophiles has also begun to feel futile. Do I still have a life if I'm not making a difference in the world? Not sure where that message comes from but it's been around for a long time too.

An expert on helping others with their depression and giving up on my own. There has to be a middle ground. Where's my Soylent Green peaceful death?

From Collage to Clarity

2010-10-06T10:38:00.000-07:00

Bike Messenger by grace2244 (sorta quiet) on Polyvore.com

In many of my early handmade collages, I had images of people on bicycles with walkie talkies. Sometimes people on bicycles surrounded the alter in the collage. I never "got" it.

Possibly earlier in this blog, when I was still a full-time therapist, I posted about my bicycle experience. One of my RA/MC clients came with her own perps surrounding my office minutes before her appointment time. She would tell me about being followed and the man on the bicycle. Initially I believed it was paranoia which is justified for those with DID going to a therapist where they might tell the truth or discover their truth along with abuser identities.

One day I decided to meet her on the walk outside the office a few minutes before appointment time. The bicycle nearly ran me down and I came to know the vehicles that followed her. They were also there when she left and followed her route. I took pictures. Her bicycle man also became my bicycle stalker. Armed with cell phone (updated technology from when I was younger), this biker would manage to fly out of side streets just as I was rounding a corner on my way to work.

There were times when he flew across the road in front of me when I just went out for lunch or a spontaneous errand. They always knew where I was so it had to be a joint effort. When I tried to report harrassment by a man on a bicycle I became extremely aware of the police reaction. Just cycling by at "coincidental" times was not a crime. I was told macing the guy as he whizzed by was not allowed.

Fastforward several years when I am no longer a therapist and rarely go anywhere except to doctor appointments. It's been awhile but I was followed yesterday from near my home to the therapist's office (at least a 1/2 hour drive) by someone in a truck. But it began from the roads near my townhome with a bicycle person talking on his cell who did target my car.

I pretended to ignore all but it is nerve wracking. I've been more vocal online. It's a message they still monitor my activities. In spite of having made the decision to live my life in spite of them, it's a lot of emotional play to keep it together.

The reason for this sharing is that, throughout my pre-therapist life, I was never aware of being followed. Guess most of my surroundings were always foggy. But my alters saw and made it very clear in the collages. The abusers did it before cell phone technology and they are still doing it now. Because who is going to believe, in this day and age, a stalker would use a bicycle? It's because it's unbelievable and everything "they" do is intentionally unbelievable. They live in that invisible world.

That moment of gritty reality

2010-10-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

Fallen Angel by grace2244 (habs a code) on Polyvore.com

Yesterday I attended an online interview to hear Darlene Ouimet, author of Emerging from Broken, speak of her healing from DID. Listening to her brought up several key moments in my healing life. Darlene spoke of digging down to the bottom of the crud that had built up over the years and beginning anew with a smooth, supportive surface. I liked the analogy, but it also snapped me back to my moment of dreadful reality.

Coming out of an invisible shield of amnesia leaves one feeling lost. Believing one has been a multiple is part of the same timing, or was for me. OMG I'm a multiple; OMG I've had amnesia for most of my life! I came to grips with being a multiple rather quickly and had support to learn some immediate coping skills.

Memories went quickly from f*ther abuse to f*ther in a graveyard with others. Research about ritual abuse led to information on government abuse. I had no memories yet but had also completed probably 100 collages by then showing much government imagery. Just curious. Joined a list sharing internet info about government programs. One day I opened an email that described an "arm" of MK-Ultra that explained every collage and memory I'd had to date.

That was my moment. A sickening dread that what I hoped could not possibly be true was true. Even if there was some propaganda in what I read, the main details went with me. Complete devastation, collapsed to the ground, sobbing that I had no idea who I was or what life I had lived. The realization that my conscious memory was only a tiny part of my entire life.

In addition, a tsunami of fear swept over me taking me to edge of paranoia that someone was going to kill me because I was remembering.

Many have come forward in the last decade and here we are holding each other's hands because few others dare look at the facts behind our reality. I've come to grips with that more or less. I'm here. I'm considerably healed. I feel blessed to have had the help from good therapists and friends and a safe new family to overcome what happened to me.

Thank you, Darlene. We made it. We survived. We won by surviving. We will have to be our own cheering section until others join in our knowledge of government corruption. Oh how I wished Barack Obama would become president and not be snowed by insiders. That maybe it would stop. There's still hope, I guess.

Heart and Soul

2010-09-22T09:20:00.000-07:00

Heart & Soul by grace2244 (kinda dazed) on Polyvore.com

By processing an extremely intense memory for several years, I have a sense of what the organized government aspect was seeking, in addition to other nefarious objectives. Many memories connected to having no heart, being heartless, shattered heart, irreparable. Wanting us to believe we were sociopaths. Of course all the external messages/lies were seen for what they were during the healing process.

I've had many confusing messages about "soul" in memories but know my soul was still in tact. My belief at this time is that the objective was to destroy soul so they would have complete control over us. No conscience...no sense of belief in a good higher power.

In processing the memory, I came to realize (my interpretation) that they believed heart and soul resided together. If one could literally destroy the emotional aspect of heart they could also destroy the aspect of soul. Without going into the traumatic components of the memory, they knew the soul left the body during death and wanted to figure out how to capture the departing soul.

One of the main people behind implementation of MK-Ultra was Sidney Gottlieb who worked for two decades as the head of the CIA's Technical Services Division. In his retirement, he was volunteer at a hospice (dying people). He also had earned his Ph.D. in death. The original Dr. Death.

Much of my memories have a focus of death...more an obsession to understand. Were they/are they still (?) after that perpetual fountain of youth. What I do know is that death was used to perpetuate my trauma.

Perhaps some had a predisposition to a sociopathic personality, as did my father. However, the many survivors I've known have a deep sense of sorrow and yearning to believe something in life is good. They did not take our souls. I pray the world wakes up to this underground before they indeed unlock secrets to make 1984 a reality.

In finding a link for Gottlieb, I also discovered this upcoming show on National Geographic, CIA Secret Experiments. It's still going on.

Writer's Block

2010-08-31T07:36:00.000-07:00

Writer's Block by grace2244 (achy eyes) on Polyvore.com

Decided to collage about my writing block and it looks like it is in a good place and will return...someday.

Apoptosis

2010-08-14T09:40:00.000-07:00

I am watching a movie called The Killing Room. The description is an MK-Ultra project shelved for 20 years and then being conducted by a "diabolical" psychiatrist. Toward the end of the movie, the word "apoptosis" is used. I immediately looked it up. Here is the definition:

Apoptosis

The genetically programmed death of cells at specific times during embryogenesis, metamorphosis, and during cell turnover in adults.

As I read the definition, I could easily substitute the word "alter" in place of "cell". I've said many times that I had suicide programming at every level of healing. I had no idea the objective was for the self to mimic a natural cell process of elimination.

The movie explains they are looking for civilians guaranteed to take the lives of others and sacrifice their own lives "for the greater good"...civilian weapons.

At the end of the movie, it was not about the subjects themselves who were destined to perish at the end of the "voluntary experiment", but to test the new doctor hired by MK-Ultra to make sure she could ignore her conscience and allow the harm, torture, and killing to proceed without her intervention.

I watch these movies now in hopes of finding answers to my own life. Mostly they just justify the notion of lack of empathy, remorse, and conscience in the name of "freedom".

Art Therapy In Progress

2010-07-04T11:37:00.000-07:00

I am still reeling from this discovery of a part of me called Floating Grace. She began with an item in a Polyvore set made for me by a friend who is not a survivor. I connected with it immediately. After adopting her, I first added a face and made her my own item, adding wings in the next set.

Have been going through quite a time with flashbacks and body memories and strange internal messages and being led to new information online since about July 1. I see my last entry was exactly one month ago...if that means anything.

Here is the evolution of Floating Grace through art:

Nursery Time by grace2244 (missing polytime) featuring Annina Vogel necklaces

***Floating Grace by grace2244 (missing polytime) on Polyvore.com

***Pieces of Memory by grace2244 (missing polytime) on Polyvore.com

Such Absurdities by grace2244 (missing polytime) on Polyvore.com

Untitled by grace2244 (missing polytime) featuring Tarina Tarantino jewelry

Floating Grace...again by grace2244 (missing polytime) on Polyvore.com

Interesting how the cartoonish item had the black and white. Dots seemed to go with her before the child image was found. And the TOP SECRET and CLASSIFIED font is black and white. I think Floating Grace knows things I may not ever really know for safety reasons. But I am able to connect her dots through researching clues on the internet.

Discovery of Marnie - Evolution of Internal Self

2010-06-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

(40/50) Goddess of the Sea by grace2244 (tag lag) on Polyvore.com

Alter Ego by grace2244 (tag lag) on Polyvore.com

Out of the Blue by grace2244 (tag lag) on Polyvore.com

***Marnie by grace2244 (tag lag) on Polyvore.com

I wish I could easily find my first magazine images of Marnie...long dark hair, always near water. And my obsession with the 1964 Alfred Hitchcock movie Marnie with Tippie Hedron and Sean Connery pre-James Bond days. I was in 5th grade and it was when theaters allowed you to stay for as many showings as you wanted. I stayed there for three shows before knowing I had to go home.

After knowing I had DID, I found a used DVD online and found it just as riveting but also understood the great attraction...Marnie had trauma in her childhood, amnesia for the event, obsessive behaviors, fear of men, and PTSD. Part of me knew I needed to remember that movie. Finding a part named Marnie made all of that fall into place.

These past few days I watched a "new" (unidentified) Polyvore image emerge as a part of me. Just this morning I got the internal message she was Marnie. I believe she is the part of me who makes sure I'm at my aquatics therapy sessions three times a week. It is helping bring back all the muscles that atrophied since the surgeries of 2007-2008.

I had noted to my life partner that something happens that I go from slug to total motivation when it's time to get ready for therapy. It truly feels like a different energy and now explains why I often blank out while driving to rehab. Marnie loves the water. I guess I helped her heal and now she's helping me to heal.

Thought it was interesting that the gorgeous "portrait" of her beneath the sea was the earliest Polyvore set, not knowing who she was. But here she is now nearly a year later coming forward. I had an even earlier set of her that was not as artistic where she was rescuing my soul (a little girl) from a locked chest on the bottom of the sea.

Am hoping this is helpful to those with DID. Answers come in no particular order and at times when no meaning is attached. I've been going to aquatherapy for two months and she just know is letting me know it's her. Kinda cool...I think.

Sex vs. Love

2010-04-22T14:54:00.000-07:00

A place of bliss by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

For the past week have been processing further integration only to learn one part of me is still walled off. She's probably always been walled off. Initially the messages came through Libby's sets. The woman behind glass in several images represents Libby's sexual repulsion.

Yesterday and this morning it kept coming to me that the woman behind the glass was Joy. At first..."Joy of Sex". But she represents joy/bliss at a level I've not known before. Internal aha. "Sex" in a loving relationship (at least for me and am guessing most) comes from happiness, intimacy, bliss. It comes from a happy place in healthy relationships. Whatever "happy" was in the world of abuse we know was not the true meaning of happy.

I'd thought I did experience happiness and moments of joy on a daily basis. But I also have a "wall" that keeps me from calling people I love dearly. Had thought that was my phone phobia but that particular kind of phone call is denying me a joy I truly want. I did the above set this morning before I left for afternoon physical therapy. All of what I just wrote came together during my drive time. I want to allow Joy in. I may have to wait until my psychotherapy session next week to help Libby also embrace Joy.

Art Therapy Still Surprises Me

2010-04-09T18:34:00.000-07:00

Just put your lips together and ... by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I put the background of the above collage together knowing I wanted to put the girl with the bubblegum on top. I tend to do most art with few words these days. But early in healing when my pictures came from magazines, I often put words on the sets. It didn't take long to realize words were just as meaningful (or likely to be an internal message) as the pictures.

Often words too small for me to read without my trusty magnifying glass, had huge meaning...always totally amazing me. In assembling the background for the above collage I'm focused on color and shape and fit. It wasn't until I placed the girl with the bubble that the word BLOW next to her suddenly jumped out at me. The main message of the collage with intentionally obscured meaning was right there in letters. When I found it, I immediately put the clear bubble around it.

Gotta love the subconscious when it comes to those surprises that suddenly (or sometimes not so suddenly) reveal themselves. If you've been doing art therapy, you may want to review past sets for words or phrases. It was my experience that words on or near alters went with them. Sometimes a phrase or word sort of standing on its own applies to the entire collage or memory.

Happy collaging!

Alice Programming

2010-04-01T13:50:00.000-07:00

***Alice Programming by grace2244 (Gallery this week) on Polyvore.com

This may be triggering to unhealed survivors. I'm hopeful it might be helpful to therapists treating clients with programming. This is what I found in me. It's not necessarily what everyone with Alice Programming will experience. Likely there will be some similar components though.

Consciousness is Wonderland which has a rainbow and poppies (the Oz in Wizard of Oz). This is part of the backwards world created around victims.

Subconsciousness is Oz which has dandelions. To cross "the bridge" from consciousness to subconsciousness, Alice has to go down the rabbit hole which is represented as a hypnotic spiral by many survivors.

The ferris wheels represent spinning to forget. I've also used carousels. When Oz is activated, consciousness is "asleep". Oz is controlled by handlers/abusers. Wonderland is a very guarded world since alters filter what the host sees, hears, and speaks.

Both Wonderland and Oz have an Alice. There might be a Dorothy but, for me, Dorothy went with a huge spin program like the tornado.

Tinkerbelle can go anywhere in the system. Alice "reports" to Tinkerbelle. Tinkerbelle makes sure Alice does what she is told.

Alice had been fragmented into four selves who had to merge for Alice to heal. Tinkerbell was also fragmented into two or more selves. She also merged into one and then merged into Alice.

The big surprise, for me, is Mickey Mouse represented my system's master controller. Huge perp...usually very scary entity. I am guessing my protector used his ingenuity to have me process Mickey Mouse instead of an internal s*tan. Genius. I'm so grateful. So Tinkerbelle reported to Mickey Mouse. I just became aware of Mickey Mouse's role two days ago.

I believe this was the very first structure within me, the base of my system matrix. Until the matrix collapsed, Alice and Tinkerbelle could not have healed. Alice began so early in my life and I'm still impacted by her cues to dissociate now that she's healed. However, at least I am now more aware of my environment than ever before.

Once Alice was completely healed, it opened the door for my original authentic self to emerge. Alice goes with so many keys but she, herself, is a key to healing.

This part of healing (Alice) began December 2009 and I am now working with my healed core self (who is an adult). I functioned at a very high level for several years after dismantling the matrix. I thought I was all healed. Am not sure where I am is the last that needs to happen for full healing, but am sure it's a great sign the core has emerged.

National Geographic Validates Abuse

2010-03-22T14:54:00.000-07:00

***Manchurian Candidates by grace2244 (on tag break) on Polyvore.com

Yesterday I watched CIA Secrets on National Geographic. It confirmed all the LSD and mind control experiments to include students at 80 universities who received funds under MK Ultra. Information was from declassified documents and interviews.

The show ends with CIA giving up on ever creating someone who would forget a murder (the key element being "forget") after following orders to shoot. They ruled out hypnosis, LSD, and overloads of ECT as effective for adult subjects and gave up that program.

The untold story is that they began raising dissociated children in the late 40s and early 50s which guaranteed the necessary component of forgetfulness after committing a crime. Having orders obeyed was not an issue after harming a child sufficiently to cause dissociation. Even though we survivors are remembering now, it's so far from the time of abuse and our stories deemed unbelievable by propaganda and a shadow government.

The special explained they believe Sirhan Sirhan, who assassinated Robert Kennedy in 1968 was the first known Manchurian Candidate. To this day, he does not know what he did.

Additionally, mind control experimentation in the concentration camps was explored. Prisoners were exposed to levels of ECT and drugs that would have helped determine what could be done to a child in a dissociative state without interfering with the host alter's perception of life.

The validation was nice but I just want to scream about that big gap regarding dissociated children.

Who's Driving the Car?

2010-03-08T08:17:00.000-08:00

***Bridge Dissociation by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Several years ago when BB (my SO) used to live in another town, there was a bridge I had to cross (just an short overpass). I became aware slowly that I seemed to blank out between the turn just before the bridge until up to a mile later. Fastforward.

My physical therapist is the first left after a blue overpass. I drive under it. I keep missing the turn under the bridge. So I became diligent about keeping the blue bridge in my sights so I would not miss the turn but I would focus on the blue bridge and the next thing I know I'm beyond my turn.

I don't know if it's all bridges or these bridges are near "secret" areas. One was near a known place of abuse for another survivor. The blue bridge is connected to a military base.

I'm sharing in hopes it helps me break that dissociation and also maybe help some to become more aware of triggers on the road.

It's scary to me for those unhealed. I know I have a safe driver for when I blank out. I think how easy it was in the past for another driver to take over and leave me not remembering anything except going to my planned destination.

Ask inside if there can be a designated safe driver who can keep others out of the driver's seat. Please be safe.

Door Jams (typo intended)

2010-02-26T08:04:00.000-08:00

***She's Not There by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Since my ongoing never ending fusion process began, I have had more awareness. I've noticed several odd things since my internal Alice healed from her intentional fragmentation. Hers was the confusing backwards world. If my significant other BB weren't a witness or someone to say some of the oddness out loud, I may never have figured some of this out.

I spend my day primarily in the living room and occasionally wander into the kitchen (the entirety of my first floor). It became extremely obvious that whenever I went into the kitchen I'd forget why I went there. I even graduated to noticing that I either opened the refrigerator or pantry staring trying to figure out what I wanted. However, I'd never open the door to the actual item when I did recall. I began to call the doorless doorway the Portal of Memory Loss. I really hadn't connected memory loss to doors.

The day I did this collage, it was out of frustration at always opening the wrong door with little chance of recall until I returned to the living room to see what I needed. I also emailed the collage to my therapist. In my mind was flashing a very early collage (1997-1998) of a hat turned upside down with many different colored doors lining the "wall" of the inside of the hat. Alice was standing in the center.

The part of me in the center of the collage above was conscious me who was clueless about my dissociated life. While at the therapist, I explained the dilemma. Then in a voice of frustration and anger I pointed to her copy of the collage yelling, "And look how she's jammed between the doors!" ding ding ding. Doors have jambs. Double language. Going through a doorway somehow triggered a memory "jamming" sequence.

Since that realization, I have been remembering but with slow recollection. Still I catch myself staring in the wrong cabinet or door in the kitchen but can correct myself. I also could not remember more than one item at a time. Now it seems I have someone inside helping me remember because I've caught myself as I'm leaving the room suddenly recalling what else I had wanted.

Am guessing my outside world reflected what had been my internal world. Once an alter was out, s/he would automatically forget anything that had happened as soon as s/he returned to her room (with a door?) inside? It's difficult to find the right words to describe what might have been. Wanted to share this combination of double language and memory loss. Even at 57, I'm able to undo at least some of it.

Will also share that sometimes I go through the kitchen/living room portal waving my hands to deactivate the brain interference. ;-O

The Subconscious Surprise

2010-02-08T07:36:00.000-08:00

Lately have been wanting to write more about some sets. So this is a good place to elaborate and get back to the blog slowly. Here is the Polyvore set:

*** The shroud of secrecy is lifting by grace2244 (sooo behind) on Polyvore.com

I have a habit of going back through the past week or so of sets each day cuz I tend to see new things occasionally. In the set above, done two days ago, consciously I placed Alexis Bledel as the one with the veil completely lifted. This is what I see today:

Alexis has her back to the shrouds of secrecy being lifted. She also has her hand covering her sight on one side. Her shadow shows up as a solid barrier from seeing anything to her left side. That would be conscious me. All the secrets and unknown are in the subconscious with shrouds lifted in time. Conscious me knows nothing of what is really going on in the background (even in my sets).

I'm always complaining how I have no peripheral vision yet vision tests show I'm within normal range. My BB who shares my home with me often brings me espresso or other treats and places them next to me on the coffee table. I've rarely seen him...or heard him for that matter when he does so. My conscious world is still very impacted by my programmed world.

My Wii Fit is asks me if I have trouble seeing things to the side...do I tend to focus on the center of the screen? Perhaps I was trained to do that. In any event, this set was much more telling than I first realized. I love how that happens in my art.

Public service announcement

2010-01-22T17:44:00.000-08:00

You say you want a revolution by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

DID and "the holiday"

2009-12-15T17:37:00.000-08:00

Transformational seasonal wishes by grace2244 (slow to catch up) on Polyvore.com

Many with structured DID or ritual abuse (the basis of child exploitation) have a very difficult time surrounding all holidays, especially Christmas. Anything "traditional" can be triggering...even Christmas cards. So I created this sentiment for anyone who struggles with this time of year.

Fusion is a long process...for me

2009-10-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

97/100 A good place to ponder the universe by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I can't believe it has been so long since posting. Several times I thought my fusion was "done" only to realize I had come to another place of closure but not the end of fusion. It will be a year in December. Someday I'll write about it. My Polyvore images show it but I don't even understand it all.

Mostly I wanted to thank those for their comments since July. They are published now. Hadn't even visited the blog since July so hadn't authorized the comments. Vicki in AZ, thank you for being such a wonderful support.

In the Polyvore world, this is not a forbidden topic. Those in the group feel safe to express through art and many have begun to add a narrative to reflect on the art. I've made many contacts outside of the survivors group and do art for art's sake. The people who have become "fans" of my art also see my DID sets and "DID talk". Many have learned and accepted me and my group. If only the greater world were more like that.

Am still not writing but felt like visiting today. In July I was feeling like I might be able to write again, but it was short-lived. I've been wondering if the artsy part of my brain needed to be developed in a big way to allow for the fusion. I do feel more grounded.

Someone had asked me a question in their comment but the blog doesn't tell me which post the comment relates to so I lost it after I published it. If it was about Arizona Wilder, I haven't been keeping up with the greater world of mind control so wouldn't be able to offer an opinion.

Thanks to those who read the archives. I will be back as I can.

A moment is everything

2009-07-14T18:40:00.000-07:00

I just recently made this connection. We are so surprised when we "wake up" and realize a few memories from the past have comprised our entire history. How did this happen? I figured this out in watching previously seen movies and tv shows with my BB. i wouldn't watch a movie a second time citing "I've already seen it". but sometimes BB wanted to watch and I was fine because I was lost in Polyvore. But then, even though I had seen the show before, I wasn't remembering any of the details. I recalled a blip of a scene and that meant it was enough for an entire memory. That's when i translated that to my life. A flash of a second of something accounted for an entire vacation but really had no other conscious details. Pretty bizarre.

The good news is I can rewatch stuff and see something different each time now. Will enter hopefully helpful posts until I can getter into the deeper things I uncovered during fusion. Thanks to all who have been waiting!

2009-07-08T20:31:00.000-07:00

We Are Survivors by Quiltit on Polyvore.com

A visual of fusion

2009-04-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

A little overwhelmed by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Pause for personal identification

2009-03-11T13:21:00.001-07:00

Time of beauty - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Blogging will resume when my state of fusion has completed. It's been three months and it's not allowing me to focus on anything other than fusing. I'm online at Polyvore.com with my collages if anyone cares to follow my healing/fusion experience. Survivors are welcome to join my Polyvore group. To check it out, click here.

Will be back when my fusion process allows me to be present for life other than internal work. The good news is I have learned many answers about my programming and some cues to cause me to dissociate.

Please note I've added an email contact on my profile for those who have been trying to reach me.

"Callback" Programming

2009-02-26T16:43:00.000-08:00

I began this collage by throwing all the images with alters in yellow on the page. It wasn't until I began arranging them that I saw it was both a flood program and a "go back 'home'" program. Both these topics may be very triggering to healing survivors. Please use caution in reading ahead. I do want therapists new to this concept and newly healing survivors of child exploitation to understand how this is supposed to work. You can successfully fight it. If you are aware of it, you can fight harder.

The program could be triggered by a date and time without external contact by a perp. During my healing, I fought many flooding and even more "return home" programs. Sometimes I had someone make sure I didn't leave the house until I felt the programming was no longer pulling me to do something against my will. When the program surfaces, there is a strong message to go visit someone from the past or just take a trip overnight. Once you get in the car or have made arrangements to be away from your safe home, the program is that a group of alters will take over consciousness taking you to the doorstep of whomever you were told to see when programmed.

I can see in my collage it was a family member. Her name came up often with this type of programming. Tinkerbelle goes with Peter Pan. Oddly (and unexplicable to me), I was to see "Wendy" which was the code name for this relative. My therapist's name is also Wendy. How this happened, I have no idea. So some of my really strong programming had me calling my therapist at two in the morning in a child state. Or I'd go to Wendy's the hamburger place. lol. Humorous system I had... The urge to leave home is overpowering. Knowing if you have trigger dates and/or times is helpful.

Do you often wake up at the same time? My time used to be 3:33 for years. Triple digits seem to be big with dates and times. Noticing the urge to leave would be the critical conscious part. If you are able to be aware that you have an irrational urge to go visiting or take a solo trip, call your therapist or a support person to make sure you do not act on your impulses. Fortunately a little can't drive. Usually it is a little who comes out and triggers the appropriate driving adult.

The flood part of programming is that it feels overwhelming. You can see on the collage there are a troupe of ballerinas as opposed to one ballerina for this to happen. Also many adult alters come out. Near the top right is conscious me "tied down". I'm also shown as dissociated at bottom center. Piano music is shown again which may go with the original programming or an internal alter might sing the song. Actually, I see it's a fairy sitting on the piano key! Okay, so Tinkerbelle sings. FWIW, my Tinkerbelle, once she joined the healing team, was a huge helper.

The ladybug poem was often heard in my head..."fly away home". I don't know if those were actual trigger words with some other signal (to include a date/time), but am sharing that knowledge in hopes of helping someone to not respond. I know this is scary and complicated for survivors. And the concept of "programming" or conditioning to cues as young children is so foreign to greater society. If what I write here stops one person from "going home", I would be so thrilled.

Please be gentle with yourselves in examining this collage.

Tinkerbelle warns of a flood - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

My path of fusion

2009-02-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

Warrior Woman - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Since the fusion of Ellie and Jane in December, my internal world has been working toward stabilizing and helping me understand what happened. Earlier this week, a second fusion occurred during therapy. Ellie was forced to live her life believing she was male for more than four decades knowing she was not male. She had to create a male entity though when cued. Ellie was Raven. Female Raven and male Raven. New information is Ellie was female Raven and Michael was male Raven. When Ellie fused, Michael stayed behind. Ellie and Michael did not reunite. One of my collages brought up a very strong feeling of disconnection inside. In therapy, I learned of Michael feeling like he didn't belong because all the others had transformed back into females. Michael chose to remain male. Jane and Ellie were happy to have Michael join them as three counterparts. All three integrated into my female inner wisdom Emmie.

Since that happened on Tuesday, the collages on this flip system have been non-stop. All pieces of to my story are now accessible through the fusion of Jane, Ellie, and Michael (a/k/a Grace). Because Emmie is a part of conscious me, I am slowly becoming fused with the others. I hadn't expected that route. The male identity system alters are all freed and healed or healing. I feel lighter but understand internally I have to remain in the background to stay clear of flooding (flashbacks, nightmares, abreactions). My protectors have guided me well. I feel like a recluse having checked out of external life now for several months.

When the dust has settled on this fusion, my wish is that the rest of my life truly will be better. I want to be able to enjoy some life medically and emotionally healed operating on my own free will. Thanks to anyone taking this journey with me.

Unpeeling layers of programming

2009-02-21T20:55:00.000-08:00

Poppy Revealed - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I just completed a rather sophisticated view of what was beneath the cyclone spin program--a visual of how it works. The collage above is related; I didn't want to post the operational collage because it is potentially triggering--spin inducing. One of the reasons I know I'm completely healed from this very large program that ran my life, is I have not been dizzy while doing all the collages. During healing, I would sometimes be non-stop dizzy for several days if I got close to it. Undoing it took several attempts over the course of several years.

In sharing what I'm learning through the cooperation of all my healed parts, perhaps therapists can see a kind of basic blueprint if survivors run into the opposite gender identity system. Mostly it is overwhelming spinning which means lots of time by abusers placing survivors in or on objects that would literally spin us around.

I've set up a collection under my Polyvore page called Dandelion Flip System. If you choose to view the photos, just know much spinning is represented. I want this information to help undo some of the horrendous backlash of getting near it. Maybe knowing these layers and double language can help shorten your unraveling and stopping of the program.

The collage above is by an alter named Poppy whose job related to dandy "lions" (Wizard of Oz). But she identifies with having Tin Man programming. The male system is represented by peacock feathers which are kind of self explanatory. Much double language was used. I certainly don't know if my double language was the same as everyone else's, but likely at least some survivors share great similarities because of abusers rarely doing something different.

If you click on the collage name, it will take you to the collage on the Polyvore website. Then click on grace2244 and scroll down to my Collections. If you click on my name, just click on the collections for this particular set of collages related to the same intense programming. Please take precautions before viewing the images if you are not completely healed.

It is my belief this was the main basis of my system(s)...the primary on/off switch for my conscious self. If we could all stop that one, we could get away many years sooner...I would think. Be gentle with yourselves, please.

Fusion and answers

2009-02-21T13:01:00.000-08:00

Dandelions in Oz - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

This collage was also posted to the art blog. It shows me the huge spinning program that caused conscious me to shut down when I was in the hands of abusers. Recently I did several collages saturated in dandelions. I kept wanting to put poppies in the picture. Here is my first dandelion collage. It's a little girl making a dandelion snow storm. She is holding an Oz character in her hand...Dorothy or the good witch. Almost looks like Poppy rescued her from the nest. One of the last programs I undid in therapy was this one. Someone inside made it snow on the poppy field to wake me up inside.

Dandelion Storm - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Another collage done in the past few weeks shows the cyclone program but as a powerful wind. Lots of programming answers with the fusion. It's amazing how these came out of me in no particular order. Together, it shows the internal cooperation of each alter sharing his/her piece of programming information to help me understand the big picture.

Will write a separate entry on my fusion update. It's been very difficult to come forward (still) following the fusion. Apparently I remain under flood control status.

Day of the Dolphins

2009-02-07T12:31:00.000-08:00

She speaks to dolphins - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I believe in a post on this or another blog I mentioned how I absolutely believed the dolphins in the 80s movie Day of the Dolphins were really talking. My then husband assured me it was sound effects only. Fastforward to the late 90s when memories of being part of government research and programs begin to surface. A little alter spoke to me while I was bathing one night. Sounding very calm and rather happy, she announced she was a mermaid and could speak to dolphins. That was also my first year of the internet. Searching dolphins and speech, I came upon tons of information about John C. Lilly, M.D.

I invite you to google him. Not all of his book titles are clear on the collage. He invented the isolation tank in the early 50s which is in my memories as a sensory deprivation device. Lilly also was involved with experimentation with ketamine and hallucinogens. He had affiliations with the CIA and naval/government research. Much of his research focused on understanding the mind of the dolphin and interspecies communication.

I have no proof I was in direct contact with John Lilly. What my alter told me has credence though. You can hear the dolphins saying one syllable words on one of the websites. By the way, ketamine is an anesthesia that was used to allow the child/victim to remain awake during the trauma with no ability to move. Lilly died in 2001. He was active with the government experiments in the 50s and 60s when I was in early programming years.

What's sad is I would love to consciously know how to communicate with dolphins. I wish I could have a non-traumatic experience.

Twinning Revisited

2009-02-01T20:07:00.000-08:00

Girl, Interrupted - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

This concept may be highly triggering to unhealed survivors. It is important for the world who cares to listen and hear. Twinning made it extremely difficult to undo my programming especially as it related to "Dragonfly" (my subconscious gender identity as male). I did a previous collage but this one breaks it down to a little more manageable and understandable. So, here goes.

Recently President Obama began the closing down of the "secret CIA bases". This is a start but there are locations outside of government jurisdiction carrying on with the level of technology needed to achieve the desired results. Some assumptions must be made to be open minded to what happens to exploited children of highly sophisticated child exploitation organizations.

Assumptions:
A very sophisticated underworld of organized child exploitation exists.

Techniques have been used for generations to cause children to dissociate.
Repeated trauma at a young age by a primary care taker or someone with sufficient access to the child may cause the child's dissociative mechanism to take over.
The extreme of dissociation is DID.
DID is only possible to create typically in preschool children (unless a new technology has changed that).
The deliberate creation of multiple personalities in babies and young children is a primary objective of the organized child exploitation community.

Twinning is a highly traumatizing and bizarre concept. I believe there is/was a strong connection to Mengele because of his ability to experiment with total disregard for the welfare of twins in the concentration camps. The twinning programming depicted in the above collage pertains to a specific purpose. It is different from finding alters who are internal twins, which apparently happens a lot by design or not.

A few more assumptions:

Men born into the organized pedophile community tend to marry dissociative women. It is along the lines of carrying on the generational "business".

Women who are brought into the programming aspect have no memory of whatever happened. They may recall going to a baby check up but lose time from there.

Recipe for twinning:
Two pregnant mothers with close delivery dates are needed (planned), preferably already part of the programmed, conditioned, community that "harvests" babies for exploitation. In my case, my mother's sister-in-law were both pregnant and due a month apart. The photo I show in my collage of my male cousin and me was taken in Aberdeen. Neither of us looks like alert happy babies.

Prenatally, babies are able to listen to each others' heartbeats through stethoscopes and possibly more technological equipment today in much the same way twins learn how to hear and communicate with each other in the womb. Twins are born already having a bond. The same is true for babies bonded prenatally and allowed to continue bonding externally as playmates as well (although abuse is also shared simultaneously creating a trauma bond).

I don't know if Mikey was made dissociative like me. Likely he was. I recall him in places in early childhood where someone would have had to get him to my location. I seem to remember him at nursery school in Germany. The bonding continues until the horror is planned. Mikey's death memory was so traumatic and the programming so intricate and intense, I'll never know exactly what was done. The objective was for me to solidify his presence as an alter inside me with me believing somehow I was him--male.

Specific cues were given for the switch from male to female identity to take place since naturally I was female in my conscious world. In about five collages, I keep surprising myself by looking at the collage as a whole after completion, only to see I am flipping over backwards as a female ending up upside down as a male. At that point, the presenting alter would believe s/he was male in a male body without a penis, as opposed to a man living inside a female body. "I" was known as the "she shell". They lived in a she shell as a cover. This is all undone now which is why I have these answers.

I've explained how Mikey was in my life until age 11 when he "died". But he may have been in my adult life. I don't have that answer now. My cousin has no memory of abuse but has published writings which go into that very dark world all survivors know. I'm sure it is his subconscious speaking.

More kinds of twinning
To compound matters, twinning can be done with one young child and a prenatal child. That is what happened with my younger sister. Except we were not allowed to bond except pre-birth. I have conscious memory of being thrilled about "my baby". But within a month, I was made to believe she was destroyed at my hand. Very different dynamic. Still twinning.

To what end?
What is the advantage of having a girl who believes she is a boy in every respect except the conscious world? While I've stated this in another post and/oro blog, it is worth repeating. Part of it is the unbelievability factor. The other is the stark extremes of being made to believe something my being would reject vehemently. Ellie was shattered being forced to submit to the abusers' will that she was to accept herself as male. She was the she shell who produced the cockleshells (my own pun...I think). What did it do to me in my conscious world when I woke up and was treated and dressed as a girl? Because of my subconscious history of my system, Raven (Mikey who first appeared to me as female/transvestite), apparently was often part of high society in gowns and jewels believing he was using his she shell for undercover operations...whatever that means. The constant extremes in believe established in my system kept me highly dissociative.

I can see from my plethora of collages in the past month that my internal prison was awful having my system set up in this sophisticated manner. While believability is questionable, think how implants began being used for animals and now are being used on children "for their protection". The implants contain important information to locate a child if lost. But what else can it be designed to do? These are the kinds of questions society needs to look at very carefully.

I monitor news daily and find many who seem to want to take up the cause of stopping child exploitation but still are missing this very important piece--deliberate creation of multiple personalities. Is it a miracle that I survived to remember this much? I can't prove it so it can't be published in the psychological literature. We need to build our own very protective villages to keep a wary eye on this virtually invisible enemy. One fact that supports the ongoing efforts of this evil underground is the continuing increase in the child sex and slave trade. Which highly influential person will finally take on this issue and "run with it"?

Illusion of consciousness

2009-01-27T20:59:00.000-08:00

Thought this was interesting. Have done this many ways beginning with my old collages. It seems to have more impact with the Polyvore collage:

Illusion of consciousness - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I'm beyond 100 collages and seem to be moving toward the earlier memories. Not very settling. Still feeling frozen to refocus on any other project until the fusion "flood" is documented. Please forgive my long delays between posts.

An expert explains Tara and DID

2009-01-21T11:14:00.000-08:00

Showtime went the extra mile by producing an informative and entertaining interview with an expert on DID about the lead character of The United States of Tara. The interview is on Showtime's website. The International Society for the Study of Trauma & Dissociation (ISSTD) also went the extra mile by devoting part of their website to the Showtime television series.

Dr. Richard Kluft is viewed as one of the country's foremost experts on DID. He provides balance to Tara (entertainment and creative value versus reality). In Grace Uncensored I have expressed my view that it is not often someone with DID will have such dramatic switches. Dr. Kluft confirms my insight. He also provides realistic statistics about the prevalence of DID. Personally, I love his comments at the end of the video relative to what he hopes the audience takes away from the series.

Some dialog on the show alludes to Tara going off medication which had been keeping her alters in check because the medication made her feel zombified. In reality, there is no medication that controls alters. However, if someone with DID is given medication so strong that it does "zombify" (misdiagnosed DID treated with medication for schizophrenia), it can have the impact of shutting the person down. A person with DID cannot heal unless alters can be active. As Dr. Kluft explains, most with DID go through life without ever being detected as DID because changes are so subtle. Perhaps that aspect will be explained or corrected in a future episode through collaboration with the consultants.

In watching the previews for future shows, Tara definitely reveals the emotional pain and anguish that goes with having DID and trying maintain a loving marriage and family. The show has minor flaws but overall is educational, touching, and entertaining. It does not make light of DID as some had feared. Bravo to Showtime!

Alters who speak other languages

2009-01-19T12:18:00.000-08:00

The thought just occurred to me that possibly what others used to call "speaking in tongues" was DID with an alter speaking an actual foreign language. Anyway, I spoke of needing a German and Russian dictionary to fully understand some of my collages and internal clues. I would hear a word repeatedly in my head. Sometimes it would sound like an English word. If not, I'd check both dictionaries. It's possible one of me knows French, but that has never been confirmed. The first three years of my life were in Germany and I have no doubt I had German and/or Operation Paperclip "trainers". The words that came up were single words or a short phrase only. Something a young child could understand.

I've relayed this next bit of my history before but is worth repeating here. I was determined to enter the military. In 1972, I was successful in being accepted into the Air Force despite my lack of 1/2" height. Career choices were not made until about the fourth week of basic training. My recollection is auto mechanic, file clerk, or Russian interpreter. I'd been a secretary and wanted more adventure than a mechanic, so I chose the latter. I had no conscious knowledge of Russian. The first day of class we were given a language test to see our level of comprehension, if any. I scored an 85. The next closest score was in the 60s. Everyone stared at me. I was clueless. At the end of the course, I was told that, at the time, I spoke with the best Moscovian accent the school director had heard before by an American. Always got good grades in school so didn't think much of it.

Fast forward to the late 90s when memories began and I discovered a system of Russian alters. I still don't know when I actually learned the language in my dissociated world. I'm fairly positive I was in Russia for "space camp" when I was 11 turning 12 (end of 1964).

I'm confirming that other multiples who recall "knowing" another language without ever taking conscious lessons is not a far stretch at all. In my memories, FWIW, the U.S. was cooperating with Russia in 1964 even though the rest of the world believed there was a Cold War. My reality of history is very different from the written version.

If you are a survivor and see words in collages in a foreign language, don't dismiss them, especially if you see the language turn up over a period of time. Communication Arts is a good source on that topic because they have annual photography and illustration issues with submissions worldwide. Next post (if I remember to check here) will be about what you use as images. The collage "Project Mayhem" which appears two posts before this one has the words "everything matters". That is very true for our healing process.

Change can be good

2009-01-19T11:18:00.000-08:00

Fusion is new territory for me so the blog is hopefully educational for many. After a month of continuous visual messages and collages that I don't understand all or part of any message, today was different in a good way. I began to receive direct messages. The internal voice or the answer "landing in my head". I'm wondering if acknowledging Easel as the lovely alter doing the collages was part of that change? Would like to share the answers from this morning.

On my art blog, I had a post revealing Easel from the time she was a young girl. The collages showed me she was a very little girl but I also know her abuse began as a baby. The post made to the art blog immediately preceding Easel was a collage I had of my effed up f*ther. He's sitting on a tiny little island painting on an EASEL! Look at that inner strategy! Also, the first three letters of Easel's name are his initials. Knock me over with a feather.

Speaking as a spectator of my own (Easel's) collages, I was blown away by Zen Space, also posted on the art blog. I connected no trauma to the image. My SO's first response was "stairway to heaven". This morning's message was quite profound. The collage is a perfect example of Stockholm syndrome--why captive children may not flee even if given an ideal opportunity. Here is the collage followed by the explanation.

Zen Space by grace2244

The woman appears oblivious to the stairway behind her. In fact she seems oblivious to the beautiful sky behind her. She is focused on the lovely blossoms. She has wings but they aren't large enough to fly. It's difficult to tell but the wings are torn just behind her back. They wouldn't work even if they were larger. She has no curiosity to explore the stairs. If the stairway is an indication of "going to heaven" or suicide, that is forbidden. Even though survivors of organized abuse are plagued with messages of suicide when healing begins, while we are "useful" to the underworld, running away or escaping is under threat of awful consequences. And suicide is under the dire consequences of several innocent or loved ones being killed.

It's easier to block out the rest of the world, to include beauty and escape routes, than to see what we can't have. Pretty picture--powerful message. Stay or suffer beyond comprehension. Don't even think about it. Am watching the special coverage building up to tomorrow's inauguration. It's all about change and excitement. Am pleased with the change in me today.

Project Mayhem Resolved

2009-01-18T17:23:00.000-08:00

Wow. Doing that collage with the cigarettes has had some immediate results. I was wondering why I couldn't stop it myself since I knew what was being done. Plus, I got the name of "collage person". I posted a series of her pictures on the art blog awhile ago. Her name is Easel. I know. Slap self on forehead. She goes with art. The little blond girl who has appeared in several collages who I thought was a young Janie was Easel. You can see from my many images of Easel that she is always with short blond hair and has those delicate facial features.

Even though it sounded silly as I was asking inside, I wondered if we just couldn't have a "no smoking" policy so I wouldn't be "burned" again. My always knowledgeable protector indicated by knowing the answer, it was now undone. He also noted how brave Easel had been to show me the answer.

This morning I started off with loud high pitched screams because of the blister. After speaking to my SO about my internal conversation, I realized that the pain didn't even evoke an eek. It's sore but on it's way to resolving already.

This is the part I couldn't make up if I wanted to. Early programming was in Germany and spoken in German. I've kept German and Russian dictionaries near me through my healing since realizing I had clues in those languages too. Easel goes with artist in English but "esel" in German means ass--which is the site of my pain. I don't know if it was a cigarette or something like a cigarette. But some kind of probe was used to burn me.

Fight Club goes with fires and a photo shoot prior to the release of Fight Club had Brad Pitt with fires and a bunny! It all goes together in a very complex puzzle in a way nothing else could go together. The proof will be if I ever have blisters again in "that" area of my body. With all the memories and truth coming out now, that would be a much welcome relief. I thought it was neat that collaging led directly the undoing of this previously unending painful problem. Yes, alters can be trained to do all kinds of things to the body. Typically that's reserved for very sophisticated programming, which, unfortunately, I had.

I'm very happy that Esel is now officially Easel and expressing herself beautifully. I guess that might sound conceited but I'm actually very proud of "her", who I know is making herself known as part of healed me. The United States of Tara is at 10 p.m. My hopes are way up for the series. Please watch if you have Showtime to gain an understanding of multiples. The show can go a long way toward erasing the horribly negative image we survivors have and continue to endure.

Project Mayhem

2009-01-18T15:01:00.000-08:00

Some may recall the movie Fight Club. The storyline includes Brad Pitt as an alter of Edward Norton. From my perspective, the entire movie looked like the inside world of someone who was multiple. I'm not sure all main characters smoked, but both Brad Pitt and Helene Bonham Carter's characters were chain smokers. Brad, as Tyler, begins Project Mayhem to raise hell with the city government (as I recall). Why am I talking about Fight Club?

A recent post in Grace Uncensored spoke of the cigarette and/or cigar burns that occur as body memories and have never stopped throughout my healing. I recall having painful "sores" before memories. I just didn't tell anyone I had a problem I couldn't explain. My therapist and I agreed to work on undoing any residual programming in case the burns are the result of a kind of self-harm conditioning. That would mean an alter or alters are creating whatever chemical responses in my body are necessary to cause the painful blisters that always are in my genital area.

Last night I felt a blister begin in a very painful spot. I'm angry today that I haven't been able to stop this before now. With all the collages, I wondered what would happen if I just started putting pictures of cigarettes and cigars on a blank collage page. Not that anyone needs to understand the meaning of everything, but I was able to see the alter who is responsible for the burns or who has the answer to stop it. The burning of my very sensitive orifices began shortly after I was born, if not immediately after my birth. It may have been the first consistent trauma (painful sensation) to cause a split.

I couldn't get the answer by asking inside, but those with the answers in fused me were able to show me who was responsible for my distress and much more with art therapy. I'm still in awe of the synchronicity of finding Polyvore website so soon after the fusion but before the new brain connections began to overflow.

Clearly, you can see from the collage, it was not okay to be a girl.

Project Mayhem by grace2244

Sophisticated conditioning

2009-01-16T22:13:00.000-08:00

We are now into the forbidden part of the Forbidden Topic. We have been just by my presenting this topic. But I can't go further without shifting into the language that goes with it. I would hope those wanting to learn about this underground have absorbed sufficient information (and done your own research) to understand how devious and despicable the world of organized pedophilia is to children.

The word I've been avoiding in the blog now has a time and place. If you accept that this underworld has proven techniques to deliberately create a child with multiple personalities, then you can at least consider the possibility that more sophisticated methods exist than to terrorize children and make porn movies along with other categories of child exploitation.

What would benefit an organization that wishes to remain hidden when it is committing crimes? People who are part of the organization in strategic positions is essential. Not all judges and police and attorneys general are pedophiles, but it is known by the organization who is "one of them". Damage control by letting cases get lost in a pile or dismissing charges on technicalities or other means are available, to include attacking the victim's sanity for believing such things are happening.

What about training for the victims? What would benefit the organization? Employees within child services organizations is one area where an alter can keep an eye on cases and follow orders to remove certain files and/or copy certain documents. For an even broader scope, think of any government agency. Remember spy vs. spy in Mad Magazine. One agency wants to know what is happening in another agency. No one wants to be caught though. By having conditioned alters respond to cues for gathering or relaying information, the organized crime has the perfect set up. If the victim were to be caught in the act of stealing or doing something with files against company policy, an alter with no knowledge of the covert activities would present and truly have no idea about crimes. The employee would successfully pass a polygraph test. And if the victim of the programming were to be caught "red handed", no one in the organized crime arena could be identified.

What about insider stock tips? What if a victim subject to this kind of programming (which some call mind control) were trained to relay information covertly in an alter state so the host of the body were clueless about any illicit activities?

The amnesia is the greatest and most reliable cloak for the underworld. Since memories won't surface for decades, what does it matter? Except that the underground world has continued in those decades producing more and more children with dissociative states.

I've alluded to system structures and names used for different systems or parts of a system which correspond to types of alters. At this point, I think it's time for me to take that leap into the very hidden world of programming. I don't know how I was conditioned, but I know what happened to me. I've come to understand some very complex and sophisticated programming that serves to both devastate and simultaneously create extremely loyal alters to the group.

The underground military and government centers where programmers are trained and victims in the more sophisticated groups are taken periodically for specialized training do exist and is ongoing. I am uncertain about local places where I may have been taken for sophisticated conditioning, but am 90% positive of certain locations, especially those I have visited since memories surfaced.

The term mind control tends to frighten people but when a child learns to obey adults with great power over them and are continually threatened with their life, they are controlled children. They live in fear of not obeying. Conditioning is a kinder term and maybe more digestible. Programming seems most suited for what is happening. The abusers want a specific response by a specific alter under certain conditions. This can be expanded to back up alters or a group of alters, each with a job, working to complete a specific task. In the end, a crime has been committed (even if the commodity is only information) for which the victim has no conscious memory.

What can be more evil than viewing any baby born into this world as a new commodity ripe for conditioning? That's what we survived...we being survivors collectively. This is what I survived and now am able to share. All that remains is for good people to listen and to act.

Rebirth Ceremony

2009-01-16T10:10:00.000-08:00

This topic has the potential to be highly triggering. Please use your best judgment if you are in the early stages of healing from DID before reading further. I'm sharing this information because it may help make sense of partial memories or fears. My first insight into this ceremony was from the brochure provided by the Ritual Abuse Task Force (Los Angeles?) in the late 90s. One of my earlier collages depicted the ceremony exactly as outlined yet had made no sense to me looking at it. You can see it had no overt horror elements. I had believed from the images that it took place in Holland where my parents took me on a "special" trip without my sister. We lived in Germany at the time.

The words are blurred but become legible if you click on it to enlarge. The vultures are speaking about a dead carcass and the "ad" at the top right speaks about a sheep's uterus. The lower portion of the collage is blatantly classical music and time which goes with conditioning. All intentional horror has a specific purpose in organized pedophilia.

Recently I read another description of the ceremony from a therapist whose survivor clients had recalled greater details. Basically, the young child is placed inside the body of a large dead animal. Since I have always been tiny, I would not be surprised if the animal of choice for me was a sheep even though some believe only specific animals are used. A sheep is not one of them which is why I don't rely on one definition for anything in this underworld.

The child is sewn inside the carcass for a period of time for horrific isolation. In one of the descriptions I read, the purpose was to create an alter to be the loyal cult alter. However in both my earlier collages of Holland and the one I completed last night, I created alters to comply with sexual abuse. Did I say I was 3?! I have maybe five conscious snapshot moments of that trip. One was seeing the bunnies at the zoo. Another was the beautiful view of Kuchenhoff Gardens with rows of tulips as far as the eye could see. They were bands of color. Red tulips for acres, then yellow, and other colors followed.

Yesterday I found a pretty image of the gardens with windmills in the background that I thought I might use. When I began to collage, I went immediately to that image. What happened next I watched from the background as "collage person" went to work. The sea of red tulips became a blood bath. Alters covered in "tulips" emerged completely traumatized. A rabbit managed to get in there along with several who watched from above. When the collage was nearly done, I looked at it and was so repulsed by it but kept trying to add more horror elements which I kept deleting. Enough was enough. I got the message. It was horrific and unbearable.

I must have produced a cluster of alters both from the trauma and those that were meant to be produced. These new collages since my fusion match up to much sketchier collages from early healing. All I knew from that Holland trip was I was taken somewhere, sexual alters were created, and porn movies were made. Testing the new alters?

I'm not going to share the collage here. You can see it at my Polyvore page if you wish. I think it's too much to share openly. What I understand about yesterday's collage is the ones inside who remember have that horror of being enclosed in the carcass seared into the trauma memory. Yes, I was a very special child for my parents to have taken me on that trip for quality time.

The Key

2009-01-14T16:34:00.000-08:00

Am at collage 54 in 25 days. My therapist saw them today. We both agreed it was best to allow the driven process to continue because of such information overload. It has to come out somehow and this is safe. The survivor collaging group is growing nicely and the power that comes from the art is just stunning. With permission of the artist, I'm sharing this recent work with you. It's such a powerful statement of ones inside feeling trapped.

key by meshells

"Key" is the perfect title.

Art to deflect memory overload

2009-01-12T23:18:00.000-08:00

I've been stuck in collage land for 23 days, with a total of 51 collages as of about 2 a.m. They are pouring out of me. I haven't been posting about it because it will be different for everyone--what they see. How they put things together. But I could already see I was using the same images or elements in several collages. I had them print out so I could move them around like a puzzle.

About three of them have similar words as well as the same littles. The word "obey" ties several into one memory. If I take another component and match all the collages with that, it's a different message. Whatever new brain connections are being made, it's happening fast and needs to get out. I would be overwhelmed with flashbacks or talking in the background if I didn't have this tool right now. You can see from my "production" level that my brain is bursting with new information.

Some is very sad. Some are answers I don't really want but suspected. At the rate I've been doing them, I would think it would be too much for someone to be THAT creative to make up this stuff and consistently relay the story of my past. I did something unusual today, or at least I thought it was. I showed my real life time line...each place I lived, the elementary school (I have no idea why I remember that), and something that went with that time in my life. Ballet and gymnastics went with my life from age 3 until 12. Gymnastics dominated my high school years.

Anyway, I have two real life collages depicting from birth through the Air Force after finally moving out of my house and away from my manipulative controlling father at age 19. The rest of my life is represented as a simple job behind a desk and my travels. Very neat collages. That was followed by one of my memories after the amnesia broke down and it looks like a mess. There are so many elements in it.

Memories by grace2244

Those two real life collages is what I thought my life was. Simple, boring, regular, neat, organized. I guess some of my rage at this happening to me is starting to show. Wonder how much longer I will need to get this new fusion stuff out. I miss doing my blog posts. Wanted to let you know what was going on. I think the puzzle aspect to the collages is really neat. They were not done in any particular order yet some of the later ones actually go with the earlier ones. Strange process.

Please remember there is now an Adult Survivors of Abuse group on Polyvore if you would like to try your hand at expressing yourself through collages. We have 11 members now. Hope to be back soon on a more regular basis.

The power of art therapy

2008-12-31T10:39:00.000-08:00

I've been sharing my own collages since my integration on the Art Journey blog. I've also started a group for Adult Survivors of Abuse to display their trauma/healing art. Am always amazed at the power of seeing the images...how much it says...how much I feel observing another's feelings shared in that manner. If you've been on Polyvore, some people are very sophisticated at creating art. Survivor art is about expression with as few or many pictures/words needed. It doesn't take much to express a feeling in art when it might be severely uncomfortable to express in words.

I wanted to share this recent entry for my group. It's simplicity screams the emotions. The artist is the author of the blog, Augusta Speaks.

Untitled by AugustaII

Art therapy is a great resource whether with cut out pictures from magazines, your own personal photos, hand drawn, anything with which you can be creative. Beware, Polyvore can be addictive.

FYI, I've found a great support group for Child Abuse Survivors. Feel free to check it out. Lovely people.

Insights about integration

2008-12-29T09:28:00.000-08:00

So little is documented about this final phase of healing. Am sharing in hopes it might help others now or in the future. I've been stuck in collage land at Polyvore.com. I think all that knowledge that is supposed to become known following fusion (final phase of integration where the memories feel like *mine*), is coming out through images. My once system was very expressive with images the first few years. Now I'm being shown the different systems I had.

There isn't a balance of brain time yet. The reality is that the person who was me integrated into the healed adult core...as healed as one can get, I guess. Still have some issues. I know Jane came out to blog. I think the collages are coming from who was Raven because she knows most of the abuse and the system. Or maybe it's my inner wisdom taking over. Since I discovered the collage site, I zone out for 6 to 8 hours at a time. Anything that needs to be done for the house or me gets blocked out. I need time share.

Yesterday I used the following example to explain what happened. It used to be like living in a dormitory. I knew some of the people across the hall, sometimes talked to them, sometimes overheard them. Now we all live together in one room trying to get along and figure out how to agree on a schedule of whose priorities are most important so I can do my blogs and do healing energy work and still do a collage. Eventually the separateness will "gel" (I hope). Actually feels more multiple during the settling in period after integration...at least to me. After three times, guess I can say I'm experienced on the topic. *snork*

Have been sleeping 7 to 8 hours a night but am staying up later rather than going to bed earlier. Has been more like 4 to 5 a.m. rather than 2 to 3 a.m. Have to figure that one out. Then there's just how to live as only a little bit multiple. Brain processes are greatly slowed right now. Realize I'm being more open with family. Possibly the one who has felt free to speak of being DID and multiple online now has a literal voice. Not sure if that's a good thing. I do know healing is good and am grateful for the healing milestone. It's just not an instant good thing.

Am relieved to be beyond Christmas and have only slight anxiety about New Years. I do wish for a very different 2009. One that has health, fitness, more focus and a new practice with a lovely office to return to psychotherapy. Oh yes, and more moments of joy than sadness. A reasonable goal.

Healing of the Christmas trauma

2008-12-23T18:25:00.000-08:00

If you saw my collages Christmas Ballet and Happy Holidays at the Art Journey blog, you could see something terrible must have happened. The ballet collage was about a conscious memory I had of performing at age 3 in front of an audience. Pink tutu, ballet shoes. I sang "The Hokey Pokey". I have no memory of learning the song and dance (ballet and some somersaults) beforehand and I have no memory of anything after the performance. My collage connected that performance to maybe Christmas eve, but at least some kind of Christmas recital. For what? I didn't go to nursery school as we know it. The important message I got was that the date my sister "was killed" was Christmas Day.

Then came the Happy Holidays collage which clearly showed a huge disturbance and some kind of horrific trauma. I felt better after doing that particular collage but was happy to have my therapy appointment today. I was able to print out the collages for her. After telling her about my awful week, we decided to check inside to see if anything else needed to be resolved regarding the alters who recall that Christmas. It would have been the last Christmas Jane remembered so, in addition to littles being terrified, Jane is not so sure either.

As I went inside listening to my therapist, she asked if anyone needed help to heal who helped do the collage. I instantly sensed my entire Happy Holidays collage was a place inside me where everyone was still stuck in the trauma. I could feel the frozen fear. It was me. I was there. That "magical" moment when I am getting the memory and feel connected to it. It's the way therapists have stated someone healed from DID will feel. T asked what needed to happen get them out of that horrid place which was a bathroom but had the feel of something more industrial. I saw what happened inside before I had my own idea. We made a doorway into a beautiful spa where each was greeted by a caretaker or protector to help them clean off the yuck, give them warm fluffy robes and slippers, let them lounge comfortably, and have hot chocolate.

I could see them file out one by one. At least 10 were represented in the image, bigs and littles. I stayed where I was and my arms went up in the air like the photo on the Know Dissociation blog and like the arms coming through the shower curtain on the collage. T asked me who was stuck with their arms up. I said it was me. Was lying on her sofa with arms frozen up in the air. T does great body work and is always going to conferences on new techniques. She said she was moving close to me and asked permission to hold my hands while she tried something. After holding both hands she began to explain how what happened was not my fault or anybody's fault. As she spoke she very slowly began lowering my arms. Before my arms were half way down, I was sobbing. It was me at 3. And am pretty sure that was the last time I felt connected to my body.

After the session, she asked which little was speaking to her. I said I didn't know. Maybe it was me at that age...not an alter. Just me at the time I froze and whatever part of me could go into hiding did so. Everyone just wanted out the yuck and to feel clean and safe and warm. When I came home, I felt compelled to do my spa collage. Throughout my healing I had many messages there were three Graces, because of the core splits. The spa collage indicates the three Graces through Philosophy's products--Amazing Grace, Pure Grace, and Baby Grace. Other Philosophy words and products are incorporated.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Most of whatever happened 53 years ago moved out of the stuckness and into a wonderful internal place. Maybe this was my time to become one and have the experience of being one during the memory process. It was a little different, but I was well aware they were MY arms. I love spa time. It was very easy to imagine the wonderful pampering I receive during my spa days and searched the internet for the photos of cleansing and calm for all who were rescued. As quickly as these collages are coming out of me, I obviously have a lot to say without words.

Hope you enjoy this peaceful collage. Wishing all a safe time through this next week.

The "P" word

2008-12-22T14:46:00.000-08:00

Those of us who were raised in that underworld of organized pedophilia are considered to be "programmed". We were probably trained to use that word because it evokes incredulity and disbelief. We aren't robots. We aren't computers. They have wanted us to think we were; but if you are reading this blog, you are healing. That would be a decision driven by your own free will. Those under the "mind control" of others have no free will. I propose we not use the word programming to refer to ourselves. I have gone to great lengths not to use it in this blog but wanted to make a point of referring to it today...for a safety reason.

Some believe if they are programmed they must go to a "deprogrammer". It is not necessary to be "deprogrammed" by another person to heal. A good therapist, or at least a willing therapist, can safely guide you to undo whatever you find internally on your own. You become the person who undoes your stuff. If you rely on someone else to "undo" what is there, how can you be sure it is in your best interest? The best therapist/survivor relationship is one where both agree on the methods of treatment.

That being said, I have some thoughts and opinions that do not necessarily reflect that of any or all of my colleagues in psychotherapy with regard to DID. Some therapists use hypnosis beyond that which is typically used in the treatment of DID. Sometimes a drug can be used so the host is not aware of conversations the therapist is having with an alter or alters. I have known survivors who were terrified of being in touch with some parts. In such cases, it may be a good idea to have work done under that type of hypnosis.

What I know of programming I learned from undoing my own with my therapist and hearing the stories of other survivors. A more or less common language is used by recovering survivors--the words used on them by the abusers. It is rare, within my realm of knowledge, that a survivor actually knows how they were programmed.

There are people "out there" in the world who claim to be former programmers who have healed and now are working with survivors to help them undo programming. The first question is, how do you know the former programmer is not still a programmer in another alter state. Programmers are very entrenched in that world and basically have no basis for empathy or emotional attachment. In other words, no scruples with regard to helping the bad guys maintain your dissociation rather than relieve it.

I confess I learned the hard way. When I first began to remember the government stuff, I was terrified of having been "programmed". It brings up all kinds of scary connotations, especially since we're talking about my brain! I was terrified to find a therapist because of FMSF reports blanketing the internet. Since I belonged to a survivor support group, I asked if anyone was aware of someone trustworthy. A woman I very much trusted referred me to a former programmer whom she had spent time with getting a jump start on healing. I wanted a jump start.

I spent a long weekend with the deprogrammer. I did learn a lot from her. She got me headed in the right direction. After that weekend, I maintained regular email contact with her to let her know of my progress. Several months after my visit with her, my system revealed that she had done something to me while I was with her...in a dissociative state. That meant she knew how to test to see if I still responded to certain cues and obviously I did. I think (I hope) all she did was make sure I gave her progress reports. At one point I processed a memory that was huge. I was into the government messages. The email she sent back to me included some phraseology that put me into a tailspin. The spinning was awful and it took me several days before realizing it led back to her email. I then pulled out the collages I had done while I was visiting with her. It was then I knew for certain she had "accessed" me and given me instructions. I stopped contact with her immediately and made sure my survivor friend was aware that, if she had been safe, she was no longer safe.

Unfortunately, there are people out there who can reinforce the old programming when you seek help to undo it. A therapist with little knowledge of how things are done is the safest route. Having someone who can stay with you through the really tough memories and not be phased by it is a wonderful therapist.

As a therapist, I sometimes had been asked by my client to say "x" or do "x" because it would help them undo something. After processing the reason for the request and why they needed me to do it rather than help them through doing it themselves, I did have occasion to help in that manner. Information coming from your system to you is very different than someone else telling you what needs to be done to your system.

You are the client and you have the control to tell a therapist you do not want to engage in a certain kind of therapy. You might change your mind later (as I did with EMDR), but you needn't do anything that feels disturbing to you. That includes any therapist suggesting they use certain tones, touches, or phrases to help activate certain alters or to calm down certain programming. What works for one client does not necessarily work for another. Only you can be the judge of what is right for you.

In the world of healing from such extreme abuse, I know it is difficult to be your own advocate. You need your therapist to be a partner in your healing. If you feel that you must please your therapist by submitting to whatever is suggested, it's not a healthy relationship. Even if the therapist is not hurting you, it is up to you to be okay to ask questions before anything new is tried.

There is nothing that was done to our minds that our minds can't undo by themselves. We are remarkable human beings. We are survivors.

An artistic discovery

2008-12-21T05:44:00.000-08:00

Today I was visiting one my favorite blogs, Clarity in the Mist, and found some amazing collages she created at Polyvore. I created an account but haven't had time to play with it yet. It's a way to make collages from images on the web. You can create or import text. And assemble the collages with the mouse and a few web tools instead of piles of magazines and tape and scissors. This is one of the works from Vague's sets (author of Clarity in the Mist).

hush by Vague

I'm for any creative outlet. I couldn't believe the many intricate, beautiful, and haunting collages. Made me want to jump in for hours and "play". Will have to do that another day. Wanted to let my readers know about this wonderful tool.

Thanks to Vague for introducing me to Polyvore.

Insiders disclose precise location

2008-12-18T09:32:00.001-08:00

I'm at the point of jumping around to various topics for this blog. Actually, that's more in line with how "stuff" comes up in therapy. The art blog reflects the few images that identified a location for me (including the one shown to the left). It requires some explanation so am using this space for that purpose. A dual-blog post (?). Show and tell.

In my world of art therapy, the more images I had of a place or an alter or an external person, the more prominent it was in my subconscious life. Prominent could mean frequency or intensity of memory. With my military pedophile f*ther, I had memories of several military locations as well as mansions, museums, and other unusual places in my conscious "ordinary" world. My alters seem to know a very upscale wealthy world where consciously I feel extremely uncomfortable. Once I walked into the lobby of The Beverly Hills Hotel just to say I was there. It was so ornate I instantly felt like a pauper and glaringly out of place. Awful feeling. I digress.

Over and over I tore out pictures of building with double chimneys (two single chimneys but spaced a bit of a distance from each other). Then Walter Reed Army Hospital came up in images and internal messages only. No conscious memory. I had so many pictures I started a folder. Buildings with double chimneys, lots of horses, images of big drain pipes, and rollerblading (huh?). The internet became part of my world of answers. I found the photos of Walter Reed and an Annex that was in disarray featured by a group wanting funds to preserve the older part of the property. Strange pictures on that website. One of the annex buildings had two chimneys but I knew it wasn't "my" building. I didn't even know for sure the two chimney building went with Walter Reed. They just went into that file. In looking at the current hospital, nothing "rang a bell" but I did print out a picture of Fire Company #55 that was on the Walter Reed property. You'll see that in the art blog. A quick review: double chimney building, no specific known location but "someone" put it with Walter Reed, and a fire truck in front of the hospital with #55.

Synchronously, I met a woman (K) through my online survivor group who lived in DC. She invited me to join her for a tour of the Annex being given by the restoration society. K had conscious memories of abuse at the Annex and the records to prove it. Anytime a survivor visits a place of abuse, we walk a fine line. We risk totally freaking out but don't want to arouse suspicion by military guards or security in the area. My friend had few dissociated memories and was in control. I thought it would be nice to meet her and my then husband was agreeable to make the drive and wander about with us. The day of the visit I left my folder of images at home. I didn't even think to take a camera.

I met K at her home and met her lovely family. She drove us to the Annex. It was a lovely day to wander. We had much to speak about. She was the first survivor of similar abuse I'd met in person. She knew one building intimately...knowing how she had been brought there, what had been done to her, where it was done, and who had done it. While husband and I pretended to be oblivious, she snuck up the stairs evading the Marine guards and took photos of the door where she had been traumatized on the other side. We were so grateful she wasn't caught and we hadn't been thrown out. I'm the "invisible", "don't make waves" type. Or was. lol. Not true now with these blogs.

Nothing at the Annex set my radar off although I began to feel dizzy and slightly triggered. After we sufficiently wandered the Annex grounds, she offered to drive over to the hospital area. Why not? It was the weekend and she had to drive past three entrances as she went around the block to find the one entrance open that day--the entrance approaching the hospital from the rear.

One building blocked the view until she got past it. A large fence had a very visible sign warning of NO ROLLERBLADING. That was it. I went nuts. My eyes refocused from the sign close up to the double chimneys in the background. I switched to a babbling little pointing to the building. It wasn't a hospital building. Husband identified it as an incinerator building which caused little's screaming. As the car drove around the fenced off area of the hospital toward the incinerator building, I noticed very large metal piping (what I called drainage pipe in my images) around the top and sometimes down the side of the huge structure. I don't recall if it was explained as wastewater, but it was some type of waste being led away from the building. My clues were playing out before my eyes.

I also knew from the images that the building had a window that looked to be glass blocks. I actually like that kind of architectural feature. The closer we got to the incinerator building the more I became the blithering terrified little. I wasn't sure if I was freaking K out, but since she had children of her own, she had reassuring and calming words. The building indeed had a "window" of glass squares--light could get through but no one could see in or out. At the side of the building, a door was open with a small stairway. I won't disclose what I asked but obviously some horrid trauma took place with watching something being incinerated. K offered to take pictures of the building and send them to me. I was so focused on the building, dealing with flashbacks, and noticing what my body was doing and how I sounded, I saw nothing else.

After taking photos, K drove beyond the side of the building. My head stayed fixated on the chimneys and the detail. My images showed the detail of the "circles" that went around the chimneys from top to bottom. When I finally turned my head to face forward (with the hospital behind me), immediately to the left was Fire Station #55.

That experience proved to me that I would likely one day be able to validate the unknown locations of certain buildings or other landmarks through my clues. And there would always be a final validating clue. In other words, if that had been the third location I identified from my collages, I would have said, "I'll know for sure this is the place if there is a fire company #55." And that's the way the story of my life has unfolded since.

Note: It is documented that Walter Reed Army Hospital was the recipient of MK-Ultra funds for psychiatric experiments. It was also the site for many of the Department of Energy's Human Radiation Experiments.

Internal hospital room

2008-12-15T19:39:00.000-08:00

Earlier in this blog I addressed the benefit to having dedicated rooms in your safe place to process various emotions or work through internal conflicts, as well as individual rooms for each alter settling in after making the choice to heal or be safe. Yesterday I wrote about a technique for helping to diffuse or identify harm intentions instilled in some alters. While some may not be in a place to use "The Halfway House" technique, there is a way to help some alters through use of a hospital room.

Sometimes an alter feels most safe in a hospital or feels a need to be in a hospital to prevent certain behaviors. If you have adult caretakers and/or protectors who are available for 24-hour protection and care, an alter can check into the internal hospital to be assured of not having access to unsafe objects or body movements. Other safe alters can visit and the alter can stay as long s/he has a need. Of course you can adapt for more than one alter. Your only limitation is your imagination to provide what your insiders need.

Often those with DID refuse to go to the hospital for many reasons and "threaten" to switch to a very competent alter if 911 is called or whenever they must be interviewed by the hospital psychiatrist. I know this does happen as does just about every other therapist who works with survivors with DID. With an internal hospital room, I could be assured that the unsafe alter would stay in the hospital room until the next session.

You might know other reasons a hospital room would be beneficial. It could be decorated to be the most comforting to the alter. Littles can have bright colors and lots of toys. Adults might prefer a sterile hospital white environment while others might want it to look the least like a hospital room and protectors not to look like doctors or nurses. You get to make your own rules.

Today I had a check up with my family doctor and the nurse had a Chip n' Dale cartoon scrubs top on. Made me giggle. I'd want that in the real world all the time for medical staff!

Diffusing harm alters

2008-12-14T13:33:00.000-08:00

This is a technique my system already developed for me. I haven't seen it written as a technique anywhere. Will share trying to translate from both survivor/therapist perspective. I firmly believe this safe way of acting out harm programming saved my life...likely more than once. To engage in this technique, you must have acquired several coping skills and be comfortable with them. One is the ability to watch from the screening room a/k/a projection room.

Secondly, you must have protectors or caretaker alters who are strong and say they have the ability to do this. You can ask after you get all the details. If you don't have strong protectors, you can place protectors inside of you for this purpose. I tended to internalize television or movie characters who were strong and safe (to me). Some actors look kinda scary. I chose protectors who could handle me as a little...hugs were safe and telling me something was not okay was heeded (sorta). Loving discipline. But also able to handle adult who came out swinging or wanting to engage in harmful activities to self or others. You can use superheroes too.

Hopefully you have a main protector who will work with you on doing this because modifications might be needed for this to work in your system. My first cue to using what I called "The Halfway House" was feeling an urgency to SI or run away or go away or acquire something harmful. The purpose of the halfway house is to watch an alter act out his or her "programming" (trained job) in a safe manner.

I started out with the setting being my safe place. But I watched as a movie and "placed" the alter in the setting. Sometimes I didn't know which alter was causing the compulsions but she would show up when I did this technique. For me, I almost always had adult or little females, but occasionally had a young male alter.

These were the rules for the halfway house:
Only one alter in the halfway house at a time.
All necessary internal resources are available.
No matter what the alter does, s/he will be saved/rescued/live.
Once saved, the alter remains in protective care somewhere in the system where s/he can heal because she will have seen what was supposed to have happened to her/the body.

This may be triggering to some because of unhealed messages of SI. And if you are able to make this resource available, SI alters are welcome to come forward and ask to use it. Other times you may have to use it to be safe because you *know* something bad is supposed to happen.

This is a movie. You watch it as an adult which means littles are in a safe place unless there are littles who go with the alter to be in the halfway house. (By the way, you can call this place whatever you like.) I used to have an army of protectors initially...about eight because I could outsmart (at least temporarily) whatever safety measures were in place. I haven't used the halfway house in a very long time, thank goodness, although I used it briefly when Ellie was feeling so sad, wondering why she felt she needed to die and if she had a "plan".

In my internal world, I lived in a lovely mansion :-) My room had it's own bathroom which was always a source of concern for protectors. Because you know the kind of trouble we can get into in there! A protector was always assigned to keep guard over the bedroom and *me*. I was/am a different kind of child/adult as the inner adult. Thank goodness I've stopped acting out all that sh*t.

Whatever your set up is, have a separate contained room as part of the main safe place to begin with the halfway house. All protectors assigned to the halfway house will have their strategy which you don't need to know. You just need to watch to make sure you have time to follow through...when you are ready to go to bed at night, go inside and watch. Or take time for a nap but do this exercise instead. What you learn about the alter's ultimate objective may be upsetting to you so self care coping skills are also essential.

Ready? Let the protectors give you the "go ahead". You go into the movie screening room and sit back and watch as one of you takes up residence in the halfway house. Will give you an example. The movie starts and I can hear water running. A protector checks on the occupant and sees she is taking a shower which looks innocent enough. She confesses to wanting to cut so protector makes sure no razors are in shower area or in bathroom/bedroom at all. Alter becomes frustrated, angry, enraged and begins to scream and pound fists on glass shower wall. Protectors coaching her through anger but want her out of the glass enclosure to continue (safe anger). Sudden loud crashing of glass as alter throws herself through the glass landing on the floor cut and bleeding.

Immediate 911 call and protectors tending to her. She is fine at (internal) hospital. You and your system now know what was supposed to have happened--cut self any way possible with major damage. Now alter's messages can be healed. The lies about her having to die can be addressed.

Sometimes I've watched the alter sneak out of the house and take off in a car to go somewhere isolated. Magic works for the halfway house. For instance, if alter goes to jump off building, you can have Superman get to her. Or instantly there is fire department below who can catch her. Whatever you see happening, she will rescued and live. That's the rule.

A few internal techniques. Protectors knew how to anticipate escapist behaviors. GPS on car to track whereabouts. Cell phone with GPS if she finds GPS on car. There's always a one upmanship in strategy.

Feel free to ask questions. Have never attempted to put this into writing before. It should work for all as long as you have the strength and coping skills noted in the beginning. If not, and you are in therapy, maybe your therapist can help you through a similar scenario during a session. Wishing all of you a safe December.

What if an alter wants to die?

2008-12-09T20:02:00.000-08:00

For several years I attended S.M.A.R.T. conferences to learn more about the abuse I had endured and meet fellow survivors I had met online in a support group. I also attended numerous sessions each day. I'm not recalling the name of the presenter, and my comments in no way are meant to be critical of her, but I did have a strong reaction to her topic. I'm leading into this topic slowly because it is potentially very triggering. The ultimate conclusion should be a decision made by both you and your therapist in a thoughtful caring way and in a way that is right for you and your system. It's not a decision anyone can make for you.

The survivor presentation was focused on how she allowed an alter to die, only after much thought, internal discussion, and discussion with her therapist. The system honored the alter's wishes, allowed her to die, and gave her a funeral. The survivor felt relieved and the overwhelming sadness that had swept the system by the alter was a release for all. The special internal ceremony honored the alter's deep desire to die. I didn't stay for the entire presentation. I felt so opposed to allowing any part of me to die. It was my first or second year of healing and I was too raw to listen. That was never going to happen to me. Period.

A few years later, following my second integration, Ellie came forward overwhelmed with grief and sadness. I did not understand at the time she had become disconnected from Jane internally and that was the source of her distress. I just knew the integration caused her to feel isolated and severely depressed. I was not certain I would survive her strong desire to die. During one of my therapy sessions during that time, I asked if maybe I should allow Ellie to die if that's what she needed to do. Otherwise, I was afraid her wishes would cross over into my consciousness making me actively suicidal. We discussed the various options and Ellie was able to express her wishes. She did not want to live in the body. It was decided that part of her would integrate into my male inner wisdom (who was simultaneously inside the body and out in the greater universal consciousness (my best term). The rest of her was allowed to disperse into the astral plane. Ellie lived on in a different way inside me and beyond.

I don't know if part of her returned or a part of her never left that I felt the sadness since October that went with her and the two littles in the "feeling of death." Those three did integrate and I explained how Ellie had integrated into me while Jane was a separate entity sharing conscious space with me. It was the reunion of Ellie and Janie/Jane that drove this final integration.

What if I had allowed Ellie to die as she wished? Would integration have been able to be complete ever for me? Was it part of the abusers' plan that Ellie wanting to die would keep me from ever fully healing? Today in one of my quiet moments when I could have an internal conversation with Jane, she shared that it was planned that Ellie would be separated from her because that emotional bond of Ellie needing to be joined with Jane drove the integration last week. I had hoped to share space with Jane equally to have a satisfactory life working with her. My therapist did point out that for several years I've been not sure of wanting to know "everything" if I fully integrated. Well the integration happened, much to my surprise, and in a gulp of "OMG, it's happening." In feeling that rush of love between Ellie and Jane, I knew it was right regardless of my personal feelings.

I have not had any flooding of memories. I have had slow messages and clarification. I knew from the time I was diagnosed that I was meant to integrate to heal. And my inner wisdom did lead my healing. It was planned from beginning to end. There were no accidents. Why doesn't that happen for everyone? I wish I could clone my inner wisdom and send him to all who are struggling. When all else was bleak, I had/have such unrelenting faith for this higher self who somehow came to be with me.

The good news is that all have an inner wisdom who can help and guide. Sometimes that protector communicates to the therapist rather than the body to aid the healing. Many are afraid of who is inside them. Step 1: Embrace your parts. If I can offer any advice on how to best begin, that is it.

Such a tricky path we have to take toward healing. The abusers set us up to fail at healing at every turn. Listen to your heart. Make the decisions you KNOW are right for you. If you aren't sure on matters such as this, time is on your side. Wait until you do know the answer. I am ever so glad Ellie was able to express her wish wasn't to die as much as not to be connected to the body. She is connected now with her beloved Jane and she is so happy.

Photo: If Ellie had been allowed to die, she would have died in the highly traumatized state shown in the art blog. Instead she lived to heal to be a beautiful and loving part of me.

Bracing for the holiday

2008-12-07T12:18:00.000-08:00

For survivors of organized pedophilia, Thanksgiving is the foreboding of Christmas. While it may be joyful to give presents and share with friends at a certain point in healing, Christmas is a very difficult day for survivors on many levels. If you are a friend or support person of a survivor, it's good to understand. You needn't change your own traditions, but a few modifications could help ease anxiety. Survivors are invited to add comments to more fully expand this message.

What might appear to be a peaceful holiday scene in the photo might be viewed from a survivor's perspective as: scary fire, boxes that hold scary things, Santa (who is someone who sexually abused them as a child), or even feelings of shame instilled for wanting presents. Christmas is never about religion (except for a very warped version) or joy. It's singled out as one of the more abusive times for a pedophile gathering to instill deep trauma into victims while the pedophiles engage in their perversions.

I recall feeling sickened after my first memory of father abuse when my sister told me that my father (who was born and raised Jewish) was going to be Santa at the area shopping mall. Any Santa with little kids is terrifying to me even though I logically know not all who play Santa are pedophiles. Recently a very distasteful ad appeared on television for erectile dysfunction. The spokesperson was a man dressed as Santa with a long line of adult woman waiting to sit in his lap. You can't imagine the revulsion survivors have to such images.

How to help
Wrapped packages/boxes were used to disguise disgusting and terrifying items. Use gift bags for survivor gifts. The openness feels safer.

If you are comfortable asking the survivor if anything in the environment is causing distress and you are willing to remove any object during the visit, by all means do so. Just offering may be sufficient to put the survivor more at ease.

If there is a gathering where Santa is to appear in costume, make sure the survivor knows that in advance. Perhaps s/he would be willing to move to another room to feel more comfortable.

Changing the tradition
As with any holiday, survivors can create their own traditions or changes as they progress through healing. Those in the early stages of healing may elect to avoid holiday gatherings. My SO and I now exchange gifts on Christmas Eve and enjoy his family gathering of watching them open gifts on Christmas Day. We eased into it because I was always trying to get him to allow me to open presents the night before. Now he understands that it feels safe for me and I appreciate that it is okay with him now too.

Christmas is known as a depressing time of year for many. The economy this year alone could create an even greater impact. However, survivors wrestle constantly with wishing they could enjoy some of the holiday while staving off the depression that surrounds the many Christmases that were made horrendous days of abuse in the past.

Other typically benign objects may be triggers. Do you know what to do if your friend or SO has a panic attack or a frightened little takes over? If not, ask. Lacking an answer from the survivor, reassurance of current safety and offer of helping move her to a comforting room with a quilt and possibly a stuffed animal may help to calm the little as well as ease the panic attack. The survivor may be frightened to be left alone once separated. Coping skills are breathing slowly, calming words, calming music. Does the person need to call her therapist? What does she need if isolation from the trigger and reassurance of safety don't work? Asking is good.

I recall a party I attended in my early years of healing where I walked into the kitchen where several men had gathered and bottles of liquor were strewn about. I got so dizzy I nearly passed out. I made it back to my SO in a little's state asking to go home. A memory surfaced later about the trigger of men and alcohol for me.

Surprises and gags
Surprises and gags are not only not funny, the panic of even a good surprise could trigger a memory. You don't want to give a survivor a surprise party. In looking for an appropriate photo for this post, I came across one showing Santa from the back as he was flashing the people in front of him. That's not funny to us. It's sick. So, if you know a survivor will be visiting your home, you might want to avoid the anatomically correct Santa cookies or gingerbread men.

Yes, we have a lot of emotional baggage and holiday trauma. It takes a long time to diffuse. You can also be a part of the healing journey by being a good friend and understanding ally.