I wrote recently about alters Kate and Cassie who merged as Casey. They healed after the knowledge of my beginnings surfaced. Healing happens after trauma is released. So I either began as a genetically engineered egg and sperm (which is all over my earliest birth collages) or it was something brainwashed into the mind of this alter and was split, each holding the same message. Regardless, the two are now one.
I had also stated their healing felt like a kind of ending. Next to surface was a young girl with an odd name, AMABOU, which is the ornithological code for a Mangrove Hummingbird. The girl seemed very healed and settled. In researching the type of bird, it is an endangered species living in the area of Costa Rica. Mangrove trees are fascinating. They live simultaneously on land and sea.
These trees live in two worlds and survive the harshest of environments where most other trees would not survive. It's a great metaphor for having DID...surviving in a dual world of consciousness under extreme circumstances. The hummingbird is lovely with teal and purple markings. Perhaps this symbol of survival is another sign that my trauma has been processed.
Hopefully it will mean I can now focus on resolving PTSD symptoms and extinguishing triggers that are an aftermath of a life of trauma. I love the image of a beautiful hummingbird as a symbol of survival.
Am feeling more hopeful about less down time due to depression from unknown trauma, although I know I don't know everything that happened. Some will always stay tucked away. Why would I want to know every bit of yuck that happened to me. I trust my inner wisdom to show me what I must know as needed from the storage container of "need to know only" trauma.
I don't know if I've integrated or maybe I am mostly but still feel a few parts lingering about. Either way, if this is the final horror or unfathomable truth I had to face, I'm okay with how I am. If this is the case, I'll be able to dictate what I want to work on in therapy to continue the next phase of making my life better instead of being led by the trauma at the time of my therapy session.
Am wanting to release a huge whoosh of air at this achievement. I wish I could say it was an end, but it is more a beginning of increased clarity and hope.
