Door Jams (typo intended)

***She's Not There by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Since my ongoing never ending fusion process began, I have had more awareness. I've noticed several odd things since my internal Alice healed from her intentional fragmentation. Hers was the confusing backwards world. If my significant other BB weren't a witness or someone to say some of the oddness out loud, I may never have figured some of this out.

I spend my day primarily in the living room and occasionally wander into the kitchen (the entirety of my first floor). It became extremely obvious that whenever I went into the kitchen I'd forget why I went there. I even graduated to noticing that I either opened the refrigerator or pantry staring trying to figure out what I wanted. However, I'd never open the door to the actual item when I did recall. I began to call the doorless doorway the Portal of Memory Loss. I really hadn't connected memory loss to doors.

The day I did this collage, it was out of frustration at always opening the wrong door with little chance of recall until I returned to the living room to see what I needed. I also emailed the collage to my therapist. In my mind was flashing a very early collage (1997-1998) of a hat turned upside down with many different colored doors lining the "wall" of the inside of the hat. Alice was standing in the center.

The part of me in the center of the collage above was conscious me who was clueless about my dissociated life. While at the therapist, I explained the dilemma. Then in a voice of frustration and anger I pointed to her copy of the collage yelling, "And look how she's jammed between the doors!" ding ding ding. Doors have jambs. Double language. Going through a doorway somehow triggered a memory "jamming" sequence.

Since that realization, I have been remembering but with slow recollection. Still I catch myself staring in the wrong cabinet or door in the kitchen but can correct myself. I also could not remember more than one item at a time. Now it seems I have someone inside helping me remember because I've caught myself as I'm leaving the room suddenly recalling what else I had wanted.

Am guessing my outside world reflected what had been my internal world. Once an alter was out, s/he would automatically forget anything that had happened as soon as s/he returned to her room (with a door?) inside? It's difficult to find the right words to describe what might have been. Wanted to share this combination of double language and memory loss. Even at 57, I'm able to undo at least some of it.

Will also share that sometimes I go through the kitchen/living room portal waving my hands to deactivate the brain interference. ;-O

The Subconscious Surprise

Lately have been wanting to write more about some sets. So this is a good place to elaborate and get back to the blog slowly. Here is the Polyvore set:

*** The shroud of secrecy is lifting by grace2244 (sooo behind) on Polyvore.com

I have a habit of going back through the past week or so of sets each day cuz I tend to see new things occasionally. In the set above, done two days ago, consciously I placed Alexis Bledel as the one with the veil completely lifted. This is what I see today:

Alexis has her back to the shrouds of secrecy being lifted. She also has her hand covering her sight on one side. Her shadow shows up as a solid barrier from seeing anything to her left side. That would be conscious me. All the secrets and unknown are in the subconscious with shrouds lifted in time. Conscious me knows nothing of what is really going on in the background (even in my sets).

I'm always complaining how I have no peripheral vision yet vision tests show I'm within normal range. My BB who shares my home with me often brings me espresso or other treats and places them next to me on the coffee table. I've rarely seen him...or heard him for that matter when he does so. My conscious world is still very impacted by my programmed world.

My Wii Fit is asks me if I have trouble seeing things to the side...do I tend to focus on the center of the screen? Perhaps I was trained to do that. In any event, this set was much more telling than I first realized. I love how that happens in my art.