Surprise Uprising

Polyvore by Grace2244

My first active suicidal attempt was the month after the father died (March 2011) for which I spent about a month inpatient undoing the programming. Last year, I was preparing for deep healing in Sedona. But, this year, in March after the previous post, I overdosed again. I’d been integrated since May 2013. It was quite a shock that yet another program popped up seemingly randomly three years after father death. Since it was entirely different alters, I knew it wasn’t the same. I jumped back into weekly therapy. However, since two overdoses had failed, images of a much worse method of death overwhelmed me. I was terrified a part would come out and act on the visions. Fortunately, I was able to go inpatient. It wasn’t the same facility as last time.

This time I saw a psychiatrist daily including weekends and a therapist three times a week. After ten days, my programming suddenly came undone. I spent the first ten days identifying the program and who was involved. It was the father introject. I had healed one but it didn’t look my father. He represented my father. This new one looked and acted internally as the external scary father. Very terrifying inside to encounter. I learned to communicate with the perp parts differently than I normally communicated with parts. In the past, I received messages through collages and internal answers. The father introject spoke to me through non-dominant hand journaling and his answers were that of “I am commander of the world and you will die.”

I knew his army wanted to escape but feared him. In the past, I have changed dangerous suicidal parts into harmless seahorses. I don’t know why seahorses went with my father but they did. I was partial to the peaceful leafy sea dragon. While collaging, I realized I wanted to change the new father introject into a baby hippo. I was able to accomplish that with help from inside. The hippo was to remain a baby. The littles loved him. Even I could love him in that form.

Once the father introject became the hippo and moved to the healed side, insiders were able to rescue his hostages, also programmed to carry out harm programming, and all his army found their way to underground tunnels leading to an internal safe place. Many details being skipped but I do have a very intricate internal world. On Day 10, I told the psychiatrist I had undone everything and felt safe and calm inside. He suggested we wait until the next day while I try to examine the healing to make sure it was secure. I received two forms of validation overnight proving I had healed. That was my second Saturday and discharge was planned for Monday.

Even though my programming came undone safely in 2011, I hadn’t learned the skills to help suicidal parts in the future to heal. Of course, I also didn’t think I’d have any more. This time I was told the death of a perp can wreak havoc on the system of someone with DID, especially with the sophistication of my system. No expert was able to say if or when it might happen again. I came away with good skills for identifying early in the process when harm activity is beginning and how to communicate with them to help them heal as well as work with my therapist. I had been missing a most necessary skill set.

This is my healing process. I don’t know that everyone with DID working with suicidal/harm parts needs to find a different way to work with them. I’m sharing that this is what I had to do and I feel much more prepared for future activity. In fact, since coming home, I noticed an unsettling feeling. One of the alters identified in the harm programming was missed. He was able to hide during the rescue. I began to journal to him and have also established internal communication without journaling. I’ll be able to tell my therapist next week. He has begun to come around to understanding he has a choice of not to carry out his job and the person he feared in not doing his job was no longer active.

As an aside, the morning after I got home, I heard “hippo campus” as in where the hippo now lived but it is also the name of part of the brain. In looking up hippocampus, the first sentence was my complete validation and synchronicity. That part of the brain is often viewed as in the shape of a seahorse. Now we know.

And On It Goes...

 

Polyvore by Grace2244

After my May 2013 integration, I thought all alters and programming were behind me. I've done well on the 30 mg of Cymbalta. Happy with husband and a spunky new puppy. Unexpectedly, on a previously highly triggering date (2/22), a part I thought had healed took control and I overdosed. 

Back into therapy. I think that program has been dismantled. It involved three alters and am hoping that's all. My beliefs about fully healing have shifted. Can never know when an event or date had been preordained to trigger a self harm program. 

In my case, because I've outlived all my death programming, I'm afraid that's all that is left. Must live aware of the least sign and call therapist instead of thinking I can deal with things on my own at this point. It may be a lifelong endeavor but am hoping such incidents are fewer and farther between.

An Okay Ending

 

Polyvore by grace2244

It’s been a wild emotional ride from 2011 when a suicide program unleashed to today. I’ve fully integrated. I thought I had integrated from 2003 until 2007; however, apparently I was integrated enough to have my career as a therapist. When my body fell apart (physical trauma) due to numerous surgeries, it’s likely why my integration fell apart somewhat easily. Possibly the level of depression was a factor as well.
 
Depression was a constant in my life and fear of being anywhere by myself, for the most part, was prevalent. I continued with my therapist of 15 years until early this year. I have an excellent new therapist who is very knowledgeable in treating DID and had more time to help me as my former therapist began reducing her hours and availability for retirement. At the time I changed trauma therapists, I also began to see a nearby male therapist once a week for every day life issues. Mostly he focused on trying to get me to face the anxiety I had and move beyond it…let it go. I couldn’t imagine letting it go. He kept at me though and, while I resisted consciously, it did impact me subconsciously.
 
Vision Quest. This is the short version of what happened to get me from male therapist nudging me about external fear to fully healing and no longer carrying the anxiety he so wanted me to put behind me. Through synchronicity of a friend visiting Sedona and my recalling it was a healing place because of the energy of the vortex winds, I made arrangements to be there for three full days of healing massage and ceremonies along with vortex visits and a helicopter tour of the ancient canyons.

Once I made the reservations, my Raven began to communicate with me through poetry…something I began to engage in earnestly since January and haiku in February. While direct communication with another part of myself had always been short term and/or difficult to maneuver, Raven’s narrative of what was to happen in Sedona was quite specific. By the time I left for Sedona, I knew exactly what was going to happen to me; I just didn’t know when or how. It was such a strong knowing, and I opened myself to whatever was going to happen to me once I arrived.

I do want to share that Raven (who knew all of the horror of my subconscious world and who had healed and existed with me) told me I could never fully heal as long as she were a part of me. It’s how my system had been built. After completely bringing down the system and healing all parts, full integration was not possible. Raven had found a way to bypass the way I had been “engineered”. She chose to take the form of a raven bird but wanted to leave my being at the “ancient canyon”. She said she would take all the darkness and “toxic waste” of my past with her but separate from that baggage so she would be free too. We would continue to be connected in an astral way. We are all stardust…along those lines.

How I experienced the release of the darkness and feeling her leave me were wonderful and emotional. It felt like freedom. I referred to that trip as my vision quest and believe that’s exactly what it was. I came home fully integrated and had what I call a shift in consciousness because that huge anxiety that followed me around like a cloud was gone. Not that I’m carefree…I’m reasonably cautious in my world as any person needs to be.

I have realized that Raven has spoken to me since the journey through my writing. The feeling coming through from her is happiness in much the way that my best friend and I have an inexplicable connection to each other. I no longer feel partsy and have been tested with regard to parts. Recently I was fully freaked out about having been attacked by bugs at the back of my knees and I remained me. That surely would have caused a switch before Sedona. My life after Sedona. That’s where I am.

What’s next? Two sessions after returning from my trip, I stopped my weekly local therapy. The end of June I stopped regular monthly sessions with my trauma therapist although she is available as needed. As mentioned in my last post, I have begun the evaluation process (brain mapping) to begin neurofeedback. Possibly five years ago I wouldn’t have gone near anything connected to my brain. However, research shows it can calm down the central nervous system and possible reduce overall and/or eliminate some of what is left over of my PTSD triggers.

I was fascinated after my initial brain mapping session to see that my brain wave patterns were far from normal. Most were double where they should be and those that had one normal number had an abnormal secondary number. It explained my inability to focus. Surprisingly, as thorough as I am about relaxing every day, the map showed I was above where “normal calm” is for most people. We will focus on that first.
Neurofeedback does for the brain what chiropractic does for the spine. It trains the mind to remain within a specific range by itself. It takes time to start to stay there on its own. I’m excited about it.

Prior to Sedona, I had started acupuncture after my new health insurance kicked in from my new marriage. The sessions aren’t covered but I’m offered a sufficient discount with my insurance to where it’s finally affordable. I just went from weekly to every other week and that has been helping body pain and depression.

Finally, because there had been such a shift in my being, with the help of my psychiatrist, I began to wean off my antidepressant. I will be antidepressant free in a few days. I wanted to be off for the neurofeedback to train my mind to be in a good place without medication interfering.

It’s difficult for me to write for too long which is why I haven’t been blogging. This will likely be my last entry for this blog but hope it stands to provide important information for others who realize they have DID and to provide hope for completely healing or at least have a fairly calm life at some point. Perhaps occasionally some important and relevant information will surface that I will post here.
 
An acceptable end. My first anniversary to my husband is in a few days. He has been with me since 2001 when I was still quite variable in personality and intensely healing while also beginning my graduate program for my counseling degree. He was with me when I was lying in a hospital bed on several occasions for several days in 2007 when I wasn’t sure I would be leaving alive. He proved “for better or worse” and with DID, PTSD, and severe depression before we ever said our vows. Peace at last. Those with DID usually experience minor to major issues with a spouse when it surfaces. I’m grateful to have him in my life and have the security of knowing he will be my “until death do us part” husband.

I wish healing for all on this journey from the insidious, intentionally created child with multiple personalities for life’s underworld fully into adulthood. More survivors are “out there” than you can possibly imagine. You are not alone. Thank you for taking this arduous healing journey with me. 

Something In My Eye

May and June brought some scary moments as well as deep healing. Mostly it's been quiet inside throughout end of 2011 sinus surgery followed by six weeks of IV antibiotics. Unfortunately the antibiotics which included sulfa drugs may have caused the rapid onset of cataracts. I'd had great vision with my glasses for years with only minor correction except for astigmatism. I was scheduled for cataract surgery for right eye in May and left eye in June. The first surgery went so smoothly. Easiest surgery ever in case anyone is wondering.

Between the surgeries I began to have anxiety and some dangerous things almost happen with my left eye blocking my sight for cars. I realized someone was causing that to happen. My last car accident a couple years ago I only remember being at the stop sign. Next memory is my face in an air bag. Someone had hit me mid-intersection flying from the left. Always wondered if that hadn't been a part of me. I began processing on Polyvore. Over and over I was being shown me at age 3 and images of a teddybear. It took many sets before I realized the teddybear was how the 3-year-old saw herself. Trapped, unable to move. She was being held by an adult male part of me who I initially knew as an internal perp.

Without going through a lot of "clue talk", the story that emerged was the broken 3-year-old had been cared for by the now safe adult male and was keeping her hidden in the corner of my left eye. I know it sounds weird. Obviously something was creating danger but may have been a cry for help I hadn't heard in the last accident. The upcoming cataract surgery on my left eye was causing "fear of destruction". With internal work I was able to safely have her moved from my eye and felt the movement into my ear and then a beautiful healing moment.

The adult male was part of Spencer, my inner wisdom, and the 3-year-old was released to be with my female protector, "Emmie". It felt like freedom...free spirit. Wonderful feeling.

When I first began processing with images, I feared feeling all the hurt and pain the 3-year-old had borne. When I felt nothing but genuine happiness, I knew the adult with her had been helping her heal and preparing her for that moment. The feeling of happiness and even joy has remained with me. It feels like a permanent change in emotional strength. Several times I've received bad news and other things have happened that, in the past, would have knocked down into the depression pit. I have sufficient emotional strength to feel sad about those things but move on in spite of it.

Recently, I joined several girlfriends for a girl's night out...my first truly social event with my friends since 2007. Everyone commented on how happy I seemed and I genuinely felt joy the entire evening. This is not to say I am completely healed, although I wish I were. Yesterday I hit a curb while driving causing my tire to explode and stranding me in a not so safe area. I was able to call AAA and my fiance who, bless his heart, jumped in his car to come to my aid. I was terrified being alone waiting for anyone to arrive. Coping skills, coping skills.

Still have some work to do but am very pleased to be at a new positive emotional place in my life. I do hope it lasts. Being or having this level of happiness feels like what all the pain of healing was meant to do.

P.S. The 3-year-old seems to have transformed into a young adult since my healing sets of late seem to show this part of me feeling the freedom.

Destination Moon

I've agonized about writing this post but decided enough validation was available now to support what was going on with regard to my government/military purpose(s). The majority of my memories from my first few years of healing related to both NASA and Russian space and survival training. So many memories of learning how to survive every possible scenario. I probably have written in earlier posts that I was trained to be a cockroach because they can survive anything.

I never did connect the dots to the astronaut type training. Certainly I wasn't meant to be a mind controlled astronaut. I've also written how I have both U.S. memories as well as being in Russian for "space camp" when I was 12 and lived next door in Iran. My military father was stationed there. I have my report card showing three of four semesters being absent 0 or 1 days. However, the semester that went through Halloween and my birthday and possibly into Christmas because of Thanksgiving and Christmas vacations, I was there less than half the semester but still managed to get As and Bs. I have confirmation I was not sick. I have much conscious memory of my home and school life for that time. However, I was shocked when I found my report card and it validated the memory. I had wondered how I could possibly have been gone that long with no one noticing. Wouldn't people at school have questioned it? My family didn't notice I was gone...but that was part of the dissociative dysfunction of the entire family. Possibly all questions at school were filtered by another part of me.

The memory is being at the astronaut training center, then called Star City. It's now named after Yuri Gagarin who is also in my memories. Recently NASA's space mission came to a halt and we are relying on the Russians for our space transport. In several of my memories, the Russians and US government were working together during the Cold War at a covert level.

A memory began to surface in my Polyvore sets which led to this one:

From Russia with.... by grace2244 on polyvore.com

Based on internal messages that came with the set, I googled colonization of the moon. I learned that Russia's space program began in 1959 and Kennedy gave his "to the moon" speech in 1961. In the 1960s the Army had two projects and Russia also had plans to have a colony on the moon in the event of a cataclysmic event. Back then it was nuclear holocaust. Apparently some of us government programmed children had an alter who would be called out to be transported as part of saving humanity. It would make sense that an experienced astronaut would need to be part of the project. And all participants would need to go through rigorous survival training.

My age made me obsolete for such a plan probably at least 20 years ago. The alter shown in the box is Luna. She was programmed in Russia...meant only to surface if the project were to become necessary. They needed young teens into young adulthood to breed for a new population. Yes, it sounds like science fiction but you can google for your own edification.

I am realizing my multiplicity made it possible for me (any mind control/dissociative being) to be available for any number of covert missions which might be necessary at any time. I also believe that as technology advanced and Mars became a target of interest for colonization, that also became part of the programming. Writing this makes me wonder if Luna's programming and training were extended to include Mars or if there is another or other alters still hiding. Mars came up often in collages and internal messages with no understanding by me.

Am sure these were top secret in 1960 but 40 years has passed so documents have been declassified. That doesn't mean our new generation of government victims aren't still being programmed for colonization. Obviously the ones to be saved have been prechosen and our capabilities to survive in outer space in space stations have been proven even if we aren't ready with technology to actually camp out on the moon.

I first connected to what is known as Monarch Programming but then was led to Dragonfly which I believe was the space part of my purpose.  Who knows what else was inside me. I mean I know what skills and training I had and what languages I was taught, but have few areas where I can truly connect the dots. The "earth to the moon" story is now fully understood.

I guess it might sound noble (?) to some that governments had a back up plan to save humanity but nothing justifies the horrific trauma of creating dissociative children from birth and placing them in untold survival scenarios where the memory is constantly believing we were going to die. In addition, that plan meant the new "society" would be entirely of mind controlled beings who would do whatever they were told. "Their" utopia.

This is Luna beginning to remember her fate:

Luna 100911 by grace2244 on polyvore.com

Phones & Tones & Bellish Things

I've known since my first year of memories that alters were called out by sounds and/or words. As an adult, am fairly certain I was cued by a phone call that had only a tone when I answered. Depending on the frequency of the tone, an assigned alter would then do as trained: call a handler, drive to a designated location, perform a specific task. Of course all this was done without conscious memory. When I would return home, all I would do is either still be asleep or be standing somewhere at home in a stupor.

I do recall often hearing the phone ring (before knowing I had DID) when it wasn't really ringing. It was a joke that I'd answer the phone only to hear a dial tone.

Last week a new television series called Alpha began on the Sci Fi channel. I was triggered and intrigued. Someone did their homework. The concept is people with heightened sensory abilities are brought into a group by a "good guy" who is helping the previously brainwashed people to do good by stopping the people who are doing the brainwashing. In one scene in the season premiere, a young man answers a phone, hears a tone, and proceeds to assassinate someone in a state of amnesia. Once he is in the care of the good guys, he must answer the phone so the tone can be traced. Of course the tone triggers the man into action. Another person quickly injects something into the man's neck (also triggering) but stops the programming and brings him back to awareness.

All this to share why I'm writing this post. During a therapy session yesterday,  I did work on my trigger to financial information (stocks, bonds, foreign exchange, offshore accounts). I can hear only so much in conversation or in movies or television before I go into overload and have to leave or turn it off. I knew my last active alter had been cued out at my work place by a specific phrase by a specific person. I learned this through a collage and was able to stop myself from responding.

Using EMDR in therapy, I was led back to the alter. She had never healed. She had been blocked from hearing any more signals but was still hiding in the shadows in fear of being accessed at any moment. She was unaware of present time. While relieved she had not been called on to do anything "bad" with money, she also had never moved into a place of healing. We were able to accomplish that in the session. The issue of tones had not come up because the last handler used a cue phrase.

This morning my iPhone alarm for my 7 a.m. pill went off...the bell tower. I sleep with the phone on my bed because of the morning alarms I need and it's so much easier to turn off. Also, I don't have to worry about power outages at night that affect the alarm clock;  and the bell tower is so much less startling than the clock buzzer or other sounds. Back to the bell tower alarm at 7 a.m. this morning...for the first time ever my hand accidentally knocked the phone back against the headboard where it then fell down behind the bed in the crack between the mattress and headboard.

The sound was turned up and the bell tower just played over and over. I ran for the long handled grabber tool. I was unable to reach the phone from the left side of the bed. Bell tower, bell tower, bell tower. Am on sound overload unable to shutdown or turn it off. From the right side of the bed I had trouble seeing the phone but found it after moving some tissues that had also disappeared into the space by the headboard. Finally the phone was within reach and I turned it off.

Three times in the next five minutes I checked to make sure I had turned the alarm off or it hadn't gone off again because I kept hearing it. Then I realized it was playing over and over in my head. Non-stop bell tower. I turned on some favorite music but only heard the bell tower in the background. I grabbed my grounding beads but they didn't help. BB sleeps in the other room due to snoring issues. He hadn't heard any of my trauma. I woke him up and asked him to talk to me hoping a human voice might quell the bells. He couldn't stay awake so I returned to bed grabbing the beads again. This time I turned on Belleruth Naperstek's guided imagery for relaxation. Listening to her voice helped quiet the bells and I fell back asleep.

Stop the Bells! by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

At one point I asked inside if the one playing the bells over and over again could please stop. But I also wondered if the alter who had moved into the healing place yesterday had been triggered by the overwhelming non-stop bells and was stuck in a flashback.

Part of my EMDR session yesterday led me to flashbacks of being programmed for certain alters to respond to certain frequencies followed by ECT (electro-convulsive therapy). Although ECT is said to supposedly erase memory, I wonder if it didn't also serve to reinforce recently-installed programming.

Logic tells me bells were used for very early programming, much like Pavlov's dog. My earliest programming memories though lead to piano tunes of children's songs like Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. But because the alter rescued yesterday seems to feel traumatized by the bells and she had been the last alter to be active in my DID life, bells were likely also used later in life.

My hope in sharing this experience is that it finally processes in me and maybe will help someone else who experienced similar programming.

Dismantling Delgado

Since my last post, I have still been dealing with the histamine effects. Mostly the rash is dormant now with sporadic itching. My Pycnogenol is kicking in and I'm taking less and less Benadryl. In the aftermath of this latest attack on my body, I wanted to begin working on the Delgado introject. I believe his job is to continue attacking the body. I've had one issue after another and don't want to have another if I can help it...at least not because I was programmed to self destruct.

Yesterday my therapist began work by addressing the internal protagonist. She kept reminding me it was not Jose M. R. Delgado but a part of me made to take on his likeness. The session ended with that part contemplating his fate...to maintain the loyalty through fear of the past or to allow for healing. When I got home I did one Polyvore set after another processing all that was coming up. Eventually I got to the one who was behind the Delgado mask. He was a tortured teen/young man indentured to Delgado.

Shedding Internal Delgado's Mask by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Just prior to my session I had shown a girl imprisoned. Apparently she represented the trauma bond to Delgado.

Untitled by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

After processing Delgado fear and abuse with many sets, I was able to show the young girl as free although she is very confused about what to do with her freedom. My last set showed her contemplating in solitude by the sea. I am sure she will heal with the help of insiders.

Quiet Reflection by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Not long ago I was in a trauma center terrified of my own body. Because of a recent integration, I no longer feel that level of fear. But working with an internalized abuser is rather daunting. Seeing the mask come off to reveal a tortured teen made it easier for me to want this wounded part of me to heal. Clearly he was not doing his job willingly.

Only time will tell if the programming broke. It's impossible to know about back up programming until it turns up. This is the third level of programming I've undone connected to Delgado since my father's death. I can only hope.

I would like to reclaim my life from this point forward, understanding there is still work to do. I have doctor appointments to help me fix what can be fixed of my body to return my quality of life to be more active. It's difficult to believe I'm still doing this much work when I started in 1997. It really is nearly a life sentence to undo the damage. The good news is I still have hope. I'm still evolving into the person who I can be at this time in my life. I know other survivors can too if they keep moving forward. There are times when moving forward was clawing on my hands and knees.  I hated what they did to me. But we can't let them win.

We have to live to tell our stories. And we have to keep telling our stories until enough people believe who can help stop it for future generations. Delgado is alive and in his 80s. The world will be better off when he is gone. I hope I will finally have complete peace inside when that happens.

Histamine Programming

I knew I had histamine programming from the alters who had it though really didn't understand how I was made to be that way. What happened was, at age 16, I had my first full blown allergy attack. My face swelled into a monstrous shape. I tested positive to everything except food allergies and had been on shots into my 30s. I also had chronic sinus infections. It took me years to realize the shots caused the sinus infections and had kept myself in a nonstop cycle for ages.

Possibly I wrote of this before. Several alters would constantly sneeze when trying to speak the truth. I understand that, throughout my life, I was thrown into an allergy attack if my mind got too close to anything of subconscious importance. I found a natural remedy to correct the imbalance of histamine my body was trained to produce. Pycnogenol pine bark (as opposed to grape seed extract) reduced the histamine produced by the body. It limits the manufacture rather than taking additional drugs (antihistamines) to squelch the invaders.

My previous post speaks of the rash I experienced over the weekend which I realized was a body memory based on doctors being totally baffled by it. I recalled though that it began in the very tips of my fingers this past Friday night. If I had been given injections of histamine to cause the itching, it was beneath the nail beds and between the toes.

I couldn't find the original article I had located on the internet of using hypnosis to convince people they were allergic to roses (even when shown an artificial rose). Thought something like that had happened to me. But the injections of histamine in huge quantities to create that reaction in me would have eventually caused my body to adapt to the larger amount.  Hence, testing positive to anything that was an irritant to the skin.

When, in early healing, I made a connection of trauma to breathing, my allergies died down on their own and between that winter of my realization and spring, I vowed I would no longer have hayfever beginning that year. And I haven't. When I found the Pycnogenol (I use the GNC brand), I started with 3 a day for a month and weaned to one a day where I've stayed since at least 2000. But earlier this year, I thought I was probably fine without it and, because it is expensive, thought I'd go off it. That was about three months ago. Am guessing the histamine level has grown and may be the reason the memory was even able to emerge in my body. I'll be back on it early July when GNC goes on sale.

Horrid programming but it was easy to stop and keep it stopped. Mind and body connection are amazing. Am still reeling at how few doctors are aware of somatic memories. They could do so much more to help their patients if they had just some foundation of it in their education. Maybe one day in a better future.

Self-Awareness, Extreme Thinking & Balance

I was completely dissociated when I was 3. Most born into that underground world have intentional trauma in utero to begin the process. Creating anxiety and fear in a baby is simple. Irregular feedings make the baby wonder when and if they will be fed next. Prolonged periods of isolation without light, touch, and food induce fear of abandonment, starvation, and death. All innate survival skills are activated causing the child to be more likely to dissociate before they are able to speak and tell.

We grow up thinking food or death, love or death, helplessness and death. All roads lead to death. That thinking is constantly reinforced as we are raised into adulthood in that environment. Our mind's ability to maintain the abuse in a bubble of amnesia keeps part of our present and all of our past abuse out of our awareness. We are clueless about our double lives (for most of us, at least into our twenties and many a decade or two beyond).

Dissociation Train by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

The healing process of DID is to help us control what has been our mind's automatic response to pain, fear, and even feelings. I was fortunate to be in therapy prior to known DID to identify feelings and learn some good communication and coping skills. Most who learn they have DID haven't had help prior that point. Feeling pain, feeling emotions that are unidentifiable initially, and extreme thinking dominate in the beginning.

I've been healing for 14 years and still have automatic extreme thinking: if not this, then death. Except now it is death at my own hands. Suicide was also a huge part of growing up designer DID. Sharing this is preparation to explain how I analyzed an issue that was feeding into suicidal thoughts I've been struggling with recently.

I've been plagued with suicidal thoughts and vivid imagery since shortly after news of my abuser father's death and got the help needed to stop programming associated with that triggering event. I've written about programming that began once I had stopped the first program. A third round popped up which I believe was shut down. But the vivid images remained in my head. I used my coping skills to get out of my head but was becoming exhausted.

When I connected the worst of the thoughts to the pain that went with my body, I became very proactive. Last week I got in to see my psychiatrist earlier, I saw my family doctor about the lack of relief from concussion headaches, and made an appointment with the specialist who works with part of my body that is a huge trigger in every possible respect. That helped settle my mind about all issues going on in my life except relationship issues...that I didn't know were feeding into the suicidal thoughts.

When I saw my therapist a few days ago, she tried to focus on suicidal thoughts with me but my brain blocked her and I ended up rambling about things going on in my relationship. I thought initially someone inside just wasn't letting me have a good therapy session. But when I got home, I communicated to my partner all that was on my mind. In doing so, I realized not feeling I could do anything about his issues led me to feeling helpless. Helplessness leads to death. Old pattern. But communicating my feelings of helplessness to him really helped make that connection. I doubt that would have happened if I hadn't taken positive action about every other issue I was facing. A breakthrough for me.

As an extreme abuse survivor, stopping the mind from going to "death" as the answer is difficult. But we can remind ourselves there are choices between all and nothing.

Another component that inhibits self-awareness is our training to dissociate pain. I've healed to where I know I have pain and no longer have an automatic dissociative response. I hate pain. However, we multiples tend to grossly underrate the level of pain we do experience. We also have messages about deserving pain which keeps some from seeking medical help until an issue has progressed far beyond a simple intervention.

Having awareness is only the true beginning of healing. After becoming more whole and learning to stay present, only then can we see what we've been missing or feel what we've been missing. Rather than all roads leading to suicide, learning the shades of gray...healthy options...is crucial, although certainly not easy.

I have been dealing with the unmentionable body issue since 2008 not thinking beyond just tolerating it and limiting my activities to accommodate it. Realizing that it was something I could choose to have treated was a very recent thought.

Learning things like yoga and qi gong, meditation and relaxation help all people to find calm and balance in the world. But such things are necessary to multiples. It's also helpful for support people of multiples to know that suicidal thoughts are the "norm" and we have to be reminded there are other ways to think.

I am happy to say the slight medication change made by my psychiatrist helped get those vivid images out of my head that were constantly plaguing me. Am grateful to be able to think a bit more clearly not being focused on ending my life.

Programming is such a complicated issue for support people to grasp. Just know it is something we struggle with for years. And even though I thought I was healed and had unraveled all programming, my father's death was able to trigger something hidden deep inside me just waiting to go off. We truly have no control except to scramble for help when it happens.

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to dissociate at will to get myself out of any uncomfortable or painful feelings. Since that is no longer an option, following the thoughts, self-analysis, and help from my therapist are still going to need to happen to take my life further away from that rabbit hole where I used to be perpetually stuck.

Having said that, sometimes self-awareness truly sucks.

New Blog Name

The blog Forbidden Topic has been renamed to better reflect the topic evolution. I use the term "Designer Dissociation" to mean intentionally induced dissociation in children for nefarious purposes by sophisticated abusers and programmers.

This blog begins with education about DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and evolves to include the elements of ritual abuse and government or government-related programs that have and continue to create dissociation in covert programs. While our own government denies the existence of "satanic cults", that is exactly where the sophisticated abusers hide. If a survivor mentions robes or satanic circles, their memories are unilaterally dismissed except by those who have seen the life long damage caused by the horrific trauma inflicted on those who manage to survive.

***The Manual by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Within this blog is information explaining the documented history of mind control specifically with regard to the United States ushering in Nazis to our country under Operation Paperclip shortly following WWII. The Cold War government warriors went to extremes to find the perfect agents. Declassified documents reveal the experiments of MK-Ultra. (The Senate Hearings of MK-Ultra can be found online.) However, the program I survived was already in full motion by 1952 headed up by an underground CIA alongside the Paperclip Nazis.

I know there are thousands of survivors. I don't know about tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of survivors. Whatever the number, we need help untangling ourselves from the webs woven around our identities and missions and even ability to heal.

I've been sharing my journey on this blog for several years. I hope followers will continue following under the new, more appropriate, name. I no longer feel this is a forbidden topic. It is an essential topic that survivors must be able to discuss and learn to heal from one another in a supportive environment.

The Last of Tinkerbelle (?)

After the scare of the flooding of suicidal thoughts followed by messages that it was an adult Tinkerbelle and her child "pod" trapped, I was able to see my therapist. This mission was to rescue Tink and her little self. Once I was guided inside, all I had to do was watch what was happening and narrate what was unfolding.

Spencer who is both internal and external to the body rescued Tink as she clutched the jar holding her child likeness tightly to her chest. Her exits were either the tear duct by the eye or the nasal passage. As the session began, pain in my left nasal cavity began to pulsate. It stopped as soon as Spencer safely removed her.

Next I saw Spencer gently set her down at the entrance to the heart...where many of my alters have crossed through to heal. Tink was given a choice and she frantically ran into the entrance to reach the other side. Spencer followed her so she would have someone safe behind her. Oddly, as she emerged on the other side, the area of my head that hit the floor when I fell and got my concussion began to feel like it was radiating with healing energy. My head has felt better since then.

After noticing the good feeling where my head had hit the floor, I almost simultaneously felt a sharp pain near the upper back of my right ear. I sensed it was the Delgado part who was in a containment area angry that the Tinkerbelle program was finally dismantled to include the pod regeneration. My therapist was so ingenious in addressing the pain and that part of me. She told me Delgado himself was not inside me but his teachings were. His training and philosophies and programming that had been inflicted on Tinkerbelle and the sister introjects. As the therapist spoke, the fear of Delgado collapsed into a book of his messages. We filed the book in the internal library in the research section. He was a part of my history and his words no longer would control me.

I've felt calm and huge relief since the session. When I got home, I immediately did an art set showing Tink and her little self in their internal safe world. I realized today that they were now able to enjoy the view of the water from above it instead of feeling trapped below it. I have faith that she and the little will heal from the unhealthy attachment to Delgado and the lies and messages they were given. I'm also relieved she wanted very much to be rescued.

Safe in her Healing Home by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

As for any physical benefit, that remains to be seen. But it's my left sinus that has been cause of constant sinus infections for years. I can only hope it's not too late for healing to happen now that the trauma has been removed. At least I'm hoping it's the last trauma connected to my sinuses...and the last Tinkerbelles who needed to be rescued.

Doll Therapy

I may have mentioned this before but in addition to collaging long before I had internet access, I began to collect stuffed animals...just the ones that "spoke to me". If you have DID, you understand how an inanimate object such as a doll or stuffed animal can seem to be wanting to say something. Those are the ones I bought. Eventually I came to know each as connecting to an alter.

My favorite example is my first acquisition...an alligator with very sad eyes. I first came to know his name: Howard. Eventually I found humanized images of the little boy known as Howard. He told me his name meant "hospital ward" and he had tough skin like an alligator so needles wouldn't hurt.

As a child, I hated dolls. I was overly attached to a teddybear I had gotten at age 3 in Germany. I had it still at age 44 when it became known I had DID. I trashed it immediately after I'd read that children with DID often have an object from childhood that is a reminder of their silencing programming. The bear was very worn and I had stitched up part of its mouth at one time. That's when I began to look for a replacement and many replacements came in the form of many stuffed animals.

It wasn't until I was a therapist that I purchased my first Ashton Drake "So Truly Real" doll, Baby Grace. I now have a collection of seven and had given an eighth away to a relative who loved her. I kept thinking the doll looked like my younger sister as a baby and never "bonded" with her.

My most recent and hopefully final acquisition was Emily Rose who I immediately turned into Tinkerbelle but didn't realize that until the last few weeks. I'd wake up each morning and see her and wonder what she was trying to tell me. I didn't coddle her like I had the other dolls. She's also a bit awkward and rather heavy to carry, unlike the others. She wears full size infant clothes instead of preemie clothes. This is my first picture of her when I had named her a safe name: Kaylee.

Tink is in the highchair on the right. She has a small bear also with a pink tutu. I have since placed a pink ribbon-like hairband in her hand. She is holding her white blanket in her left hand. After returning home from my trauma center stay and processing the milkweed pods that appeared in so many sets, I realized Tink was holding her discarded "veil" which enclosed her in the seed pod.

When the programming broke at the trauma center, the sisters had been connected but the other sister broke the chain leaving Tink holding the connecting end...the ribbon I placed in her hand.

This morning I received the answers I needed to understand many sets I've done of an underwater "see" world. I had a map of my system as layers back in 1998 showing See World as a place I thought had been healed. The surprising answers today were that Tink resides in my tear ducts...or a tear duct...which lead from the eye to the nasal sinus. My recent Polyvore sets can be viewed showing how I came to these answers. This set will get you to the explanation:

Tink's Underwater See World by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

After understanding where she is trapped, I realized I have no idea how to help her until I see my therapist. Since my fall leading to the concussion at the trauma center, my eyes have been a main source of aching and pain which I treat with heat. I also realize Tink has been very unloved. I've dressed her and held her a few times, but mostly she sits in that high chair...almost like a prison.

This morning I have her with me. I removed the ribbon that keeps her tied to the programming from her hand and placed my spa pad on her head. Bizarre? Silly? Who knows. I just know what I do externally with regard to loving the stuffed animals and dolls has an internal impact so am hoping I'm helping her in some way.

Healing can happen in many ways. Follow your instincts and listen inside. You never know what can be a healing tool. Am hoping Tink can be safely moved to a different area of my body where she is free to heal with the others. And perhaps her surfacing last night with strong suicidal thoughts was her cry for help rather than trying to frighten me.

Monarchs, Milkweed, and Pixie Dust

More Tinkerbelle Programming

Warning to programmed survivors with mind control programming.

I woke up this morning with an answer: “pixie dust” is milkweed”. I ran to the computer and googled milkweed. Germaine facts to me and my system: it is the sole source of food for Monarch butterflies; it is used for medicinal purposes but can also contain a toxin called cardenolides which is a compound that can stop the heart; the seeds are pods which, when open, contain a fluffy white silky substance that is considered a parachute seed because of the way it floats in the wind.

How this translates to my programming

My recent Polyvore sets show Tinkerbelle regenerating…she keeps creating another self as one of her heals. However, her “pixie dust” also spread seeds to grow milkweed inside. In other words, these are the words that go with my inner world. Basically, I was designed to regenerate my system if I got to this place of healing and the self-destruct had been overcome.

After having all this information come to me and creating a set about it, I had some quiet time before leaving for my therapy appointment. I learned from inside that any alter who was shrouded in a milkweed pod was rescued and all milkweed seeds prior to creating a new alter had been made dormant.

Because of the work done at The Center through hypnotherapy, Spencer was able to take the Delgado part of the system into his control. The Delgado introject is contained. Am sure his external death will bring about an internal incident that will result in ultimately healing that part of me.

I believe the secret of the milkweed came from the last Tinkerbelle to surface…the one shown in the Polyvore set from last night:

 

I could go back to sets from the beginning to see that this had been a major part of my programming:

This set was probably done in early 2009 and was named Monarch and Milkweeds! One of yesterday’s sets is typical of what I now see when I return to the Tinkerbelle sets. In the one image of her in the fetal position in white, she appears as what would be inside a milkweed pod:

 

My sets of last night had me frightened of driving this morning so I had arranged for my partner to take me to therapy. I was relieved to learn it was because I was so triggered from getting answers that I wouldn’t have been able to drive safely….as opposed to Tinkerbelle planning to take over and cause me to be in a car accident. Even good answers about programming come from a trauma “bubble” which creates much anxiety.

My session today focused on garnering the resources within me to honor the healing and to thank Tinkerbelle for choosing to heal and stop the madness of the regenerating pods. Sounds like a science fiction plot.

My particular program was/is referred to as Monarch programming, but I’ve shared before that I do not think it was the official name of the government program. Clearly Monarch butterflies and their habits were predominant characteristics of alters; i.e., “returning home”. The milkweed was a surprise. Hope I can take a big whoosh now and focus on mending the body rather than on what is being plotted in my subconscious against me.

Tinkerbelle Programming

As a child programmed according to government design/blueprint/neuorophysics or whatever was done, what I found is likely to be in other survivors. So please use caution when reading if you are a survivor. My programming may not be the same but I prefer to place a warning. I did have many Disney characters within but I called them "fractured fairytales", a term from The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show. Internal stories were intentionally confusing.

While Mickey Mouse was not a story, he was made to be a primary character/essence within me. Initially seeing Mickey Mouse was benign. The programming that led me to seek safety at a facility included Mickey Mouse as the master demon inside me. I'm actually grateful for not having the terror along the road of healing. I will never know if that was the doing of my protector or simply how my healing path arose.

Tinkerbelle had appeared early in healing as a helpful part. I first recall her volunteering to find hidden gyroscopes inside to help stop a major spinning program which made me feel dizzy and nauseous non-stop. After her help, the program slowed down and came to a halt within a day or two. The next time Tinkerbelle came up, she came up with other alters named after characters from Peter Pan. I had thought Peter Pan was the devil placed within me. I also had tremendous confusion about my sisters. Tinkerbelle seemed to "go with" my younger sister but then I would immediately get a conflicting message about my older sister. I did guided imagery to send the parts back to whom they belonged. I realize now no one ever left...it was more of a containment exercise to tuck those alters safely away until I could deal with the programming.

It didn't dawn on me that I might have several Tinkerbelles. Through Polyvore processing my first year, I figured out the very confusing Alice in Wonderland crap we mind control survivors all seem to have. My Alice turned out to be the fusion of Dorothy from Oz, Alice of Wonderland, Tink, and Belle (four alters). I thought all was healed with that integration.

But the programming that led me to the hospital for safety was older and younger sister trauma bonding. The younger sister was connected to Tinkerbelle all along and I believe it was another version of Tink that flew up into my neck at The Center.

This past week I had a session with my therapist explaining something was still in the back of my neck and I kept having disturbing images of knives and pills. My Polyvore sets showed me there was a second Tinkerbelle hidden behind the programming. If the programming were to be dismantled, she simply had the "job" of killing the body. She wasn't a program but she was very strong willed.

I felt sorry for my therapist. Tink "flew" out with an angry voice telling her "I hate you". I was listening from the background. She had been kept hidden deep inside and only knew a world of lies to include that love was pain and pain was love. My therapist countered all the lies and invited her to peek into the world inside where all the others had healed...a world she had been told was dangerous and filled with lies. But she did let that wall down and chose to cross over to the healing side.

Once in Spencer's world, there was no going back but she was asked to consider her options before fleeing. My head actually felt and moved as if an entity were flying around like a moth trapped in a jar. She has settled down and shown me through Polyvore how there were many Tinkerbelles in the system. While I've still had the occasional image of my own demise, I think it is due to her lack of tolerance of the head pain of my current concussion. Now that she knows pain is not love, she despises pain and I have thoughts of not being able to live with the pain. So I guess I can't blame her. I'll have to believe it will get better in 3 to 4 weeks.

Last night I either was lucid dreaming or thinking and fell asleep but distinctly recalled the name of a television show. I couldn't remember this morning so Googled television shows of the 80s and then the 90s and found Picket Fences. Tink was telling me her prison was picket fences. I love the set she did this morning because Dr. Doyle at the center had used stars as a symbol of hope for me when I was depressed. I hope this means she is now safe to the body and choosing to heal.

I wish I'd had the opportunity to truly love my sisters. I see how the programming was designed for us never to be close. But I can develop a close and loving internal relationship.

Getting to Internal Safety–Aftermath of Abuser Death

I received news of my abuser father’s death on 2/10 and overdosed on 3/13 (see previous blog post). After being discharged from the hospital on 3/15 I began to do art therapy on Polyvore. It showed me that first failed attempt was tied to a series of alters, each a back up for the other…and each with a different method of demise. I hadn’t fought the alter who took the pills. I was co-conscious with her. But the methods tied to the others in the series terrified me. At the end of the three or four other alter attempts was what felt inside to be the introject of Jose Delgado. I felt and believed it could kill me internally without any help from the outside. He was also ready, willing, and able to follow through. My therapist and I both began to make calls to The Center.

While the death programming was triggered by the father’s death, I had been struggling with increased depression for approximately six months. I had tried several adjunct antidepressants along with my Cymbalta until I intuited I needed to back down from the maximum dose of Cymbalta instead of trying to add more meds onto it. I had backed off from 120 mg per day to 90. My therapist shared just prior to my admission she had read research that SSRIs usually wore off after a year or two although they worked very well in the beginning. She reminded me to point that out to the psychiatrist on staff at The Center. Had I not been so depressed when the news of my father began to have aftershocks, perhaps I would have had more strength to fight the programming and dismantle it with the help of my therapist. I also realized my older sister’s birthday had been just a few days before the overdose and I had several introjects of her tied to the programming. So many variables for this storm inside me.
I was able to meet with the psychiatrist the day of admission and together we decided to wean off the Cymbalta and try Pristiq, a similar antidepressant that was normally tolerated well by those on Cymbalta. It was the only meds change suggested…another relief.

My time on the internet was greatly limited and art therapy had been my primary mode of healing from the beginning. Polyvore completely replaced my magazine collages so I was frustrated that tool was basically removed from my healing arsenal. Likely due to the programming, I didn’t get to a place where I felt I could focus on the internal work until the day of my second individual counseling session a week later. Friday was mostly meetings with the people I’d be working with and the weekend was very long and terrifying for me feeling like a ticking bomb.

I had just begun a group on Friday morning where Dr. Glenn Doyle was the facilitator. I felt good energy emanating from him, liked his way of interacting with the group, and knew I wanted him as my individual therapist. Less than five minutes into that group I had been called out but was so grateful to feel that connection. I told everyone I could that I wanted Dr. Doyle as my individual counselor. Someone was able to check and saw I had been assigned to him which did help somewhat.

Over the weekend, one patient was discharged but not before we realized the night before that we were friends from Polyvore and immediately hugged. She adored Dr. Doyle and assured me he knew of mind control, SRA, and programming and it was okay to speak of it. We shared for a few hours before it was bedtime and had a chance to speak in the morning before her discharge. She gave me some questions Dr. Doyle had given her for homework which helped keep me busy until I saw him on Monday. A most serendipitous meeting but wishing we had figured out our connection two days earlier.

Dr. Doyle does hypnotherapy and for the first time in my conscious life, I went to a level where I was “gone” for about 20 minutes of the session. Apparently he just spoke to parts generally to let them know his voice and allow the healed ones to know he was safe. That was Monday. On Tuesday, Dr. Doyle ran at least one of the groups and the Delgado part hated him. As soon as he came into the room I felt movement inside me that felt like kicking or a child’s hand punching. Dr. D paused in the group and said some words to the part and the internal punching stopped.



During my second meeting with Dr. D on Wednesday, I again was gone for 20 minutes. When I woke up, his face appeared as if he had just seen a ghost. I said something to him like “that part can kick my butt, can’t it?” He nodded and said we would work slowly. Fortunately, in the evenings I had just enough time to do one or two Polyvore sets and would email them to him. My set that night was frightening.

I only had individual counseling Monday and Wednesday but Dr. D ran two groups on Friday. I began biting my tongue every time I tried to speak, and it hurt. Before he left on Friday evening he was very kind to do a quick hypnosis to extinguish the tongue biting. I didn’t want that to be happening all weekend.

For our third session, I was consciously connected to Dr. D’s voice the entire time (I think). He asked me what I thought he should focus on. I told him my protector Spencer knew “the plan” and needed Dr. D to work with me while Spencer did his part. But I didn’t know the plan. I heard Dr. D asking for Spencer and about the plan but all I felt was huge resistance so he worked with the resistance instead. Five hours later, I was on Polyvore and Spencer showed me what was behind the big scary “curtain” of Delgado. It was two sister introjects bound together in chains. The younger sister part was still loyal to Delgado and ready to follow through with the programming. The older sister part showed she was not wanting to die and a chain between the sisters was shown to be broken. When I went to bed, Spencer said the sisters had blocked his voice and he needed Dr. D to break the programming because they could hear him. Dr. Doyle got his answer but I had to wait two more days to see Dr. D again. I feared knowing the sisters were behind the scary Delgado façade made it even more likely the programming would go off and kill me with an aneurysm or something else connected to the brain.



Wednesday morning I learned Dr. D would not be coming in and I had no idea if I would see him on Thursday or if he would just do his normal Thursday schedule. I was panicked. During early afternoon group, the facilitator entered and used the words I had collaged previously that I knew were part of the code phrase to trigger the programming. It went off. I immediately felt something “fly” up into the back of my neck by my brain. I truly felt I was going to die any second. The facilitator was not understanding my attempts to get her attention for help so I left the group and went to the nurse’s station. One of the very kind nurses saw how freaked out I was and sat in “the quiet room” with me to help me calm down. She then asked if I was okay to be alone and the part who had taken over answered yes. While alone I began to scratch at my wrist with my nails. I was an observer in the background.

Scratching was something my younger sister did in real life. She was very aggressive and would attack me and older sister with kicking, biting, hair pulling, and scratching. I realized the program went off but only the younger sister part followed through. She was powerless to cause death. I was relieved to know it was not as powerful but I still needed Dr. D’s help to eradicate the program and set the sisters free from the trauma bond to Delgado.

I had the willpower to take sufficient control to walk to the nurse’s station and ask for help to stop scratching my arm. Dr. Doyle saw me first thing when he came in mid-day Thursday and successfully undid the program and anything else that may have been placed in me for harm purposes. It was the first time I felt safe inside my own body since 3/13. I knew I was technically safe to discharge but believed two other issues caused my constant passive death thoughts. I asked if I could stay to see him a few more times before discharge to ensure I was stabilized. That did happen and I have my first session with my own therapist since discharge on 4/13 next week. I wanted Dr. D to do what he felt would be most helpful for my therapist to continue her work with me on my last day.

I entered The Center knowing exactly what programming needed to be undone and I knew that would be in individual counseling. The main focus of The Center, however, is group work which probably is very effective for those without the sophisticated programming found in some SRA realms and the government related programs. However, I did learn and benefited from attending the groups as well.

What I most want to say is the death of a parent abuser is unexpected and traumatic even if we are thinking (as I was) that there would just be relief and possibly celebration. Nearly half of the patient community had recently had an abusive parent die. Even though I had been a therapist, I was unaware of this backlash. I knew that often memories did not surface until an abusive parent or both parents died. But I really thought I had worked through all the father issues. I urge you to have a safety plan if you are a survivor and still have a living parent who was an abuser. You will likely need minimally stronger support from your therapist to get through that time and more self care and nurturing.

This is a long post but wanted to tie it all together in one place. I did have some separation anxiety leaving The Center after three weeks. Coming home was not the smooth joyful transition I expected. I needed adjustment time. I returned home Wednesday evening and had nurturing activities planned for Thursday and Friday. That helped immensely. And even though I successfully transitioned from Cymbalta to my target dosage of Pristiq, I may not feel the impact for a month or longer. I am still depressed and have to be mindful of thinking logically versus depression thinking. In a sense, coming home was like returning to the scene of the crime. Much reflection and sadness.

We need more Dr. Glenn Doyles in the world. I am so grateful my therapist knew of The Center and that Dr. Doyle understood mind control and programming for the help I needed. The psychiatrist I first met with that day of admission and Friday went on vacation and her replacement was wonderful. Again, this world is so lacking in psychiatrists who understand dissociation let alone who are wonderful people willing to work with their patients for the best medication regime.

Several patients were back for repeat visits because of additional crises. I never anticipated acting on suicidal ideation let alone feeling I would need to be in a safe facility to keep parts of me from acting on their programming. The FMSF created such fear by therapists to treat dissociative disorders that only a few good places remain available in the country for the help I needed. I pray one day reason will prevail over fear and centers will open again and insurance companies will not deny such critical care.

Thank you to The Center staff who got me through this terrifying episode in my healing and to all who supported me while I was there.

48 Hours

Forty eight hours ago I was in the emergency room having taken an overdose of drugs. Guess I was fortunate BB figured something was up before I finished the bottle of Klonipin (90 tables). I had managed to take a handful (10-15) of Oxycodone and three handfuls of Klonopin before running out of water. I was upstairs and BB was downstairs. I had strategically asked him to make a chocolate martini…a rare request. I went down to the kitchen to fill my water thermos. Nothing unusual about that. Got back upstairs, started a bath, put the thermos by the tub and hid the rest of the Klonipin in the towel basket before BB came back up. I was even already relaxed in the tub.

I chugged the martini wanting the pills to kick in quickly. But *I* had carried over a small sharp pair of scissors to the tub as well. That’s what BB questioned. Not a normal item. A part of me I call “the tattletale” told him about the pills. BB called 911 and suggested I put clothes on before the ambulance arrived. They were there in less than five minutes and already I was too drowsy to barely move. Managed to pull on sweat pants and a t-shirt and flop on the bed. The rest was a daze. From the ER I was sent to an inpatient hospital ward. It was where I had served my therapist internship and the “d” word (dissociation) was forbidden. I slept through most of that first day although did speak to a caseworker, and doctor, and a psychiatrist. I did know I needed to be in a safe place. I was very emotional about waking up alive in the morning and it showed.

I know longer felt actively suicidal but had been really shaken about the night before. I did share that tearfully that I was so tired of struggling every day with my healing journey. Mostly the rest of the day I was fuzzyheaded but I kept thinking about something I said to the psychiatrist. In describing what had taken place, I told her “it happened so fast” (taking the pills)…”it was just so fast”. That was not “me” and as the day went on and my head cleared a bit more I was able to clearly see what had happened. I still don’t understand why I didn’t see the signs unless Sadie was preventing that too.

I wrote about Sadie before. She’s an alter I found early on. I knew she went with death. Because she surfaced since my father’s death and I’d been feeling overwhelmingly suicidal since her emergence, I tried working with her internally as well as doing several Polyvore sets. She looked so sad and desolate. I did one set of her alone where several comments said she seemed like she had something very important she had to say. But I did think she was healing.

My therapist was out of town but I wrote her several emails and sent her several Polyvore sets expressing how suicidal I was feeling. It was two weeks before my next appointment but I did ask her if she had something sooner. I even had thought of calling my psychiatrist but it was Sunday when it got so bad and I knew he wasn’t available.Oddly I received a call from the therapist that Sunday offering me an appointment the next day which I readily took.

The retrospective of the event is I had gone upstairs about 7 p.m. for my evening nap but couldn’t relax or sleep. My mind was circling with one though: I want to die. I called BB upstairs to tell him. Guess what I should have said was “I don’t feel safe. Please don’t leave me alone”. Instead I just told him the message in my head. So when I asked him to fix me a drink, that was Sadie’s break. The term I use is “sneaky dissociation”. It felt like me…my thoughts…my actions. But that isn’t how I behave. Sadie snuck into my consciousness without my feeling her although I got up from the unrestful nap feeling shaky and agitated.

The time I was awake at the psych ward, I was still feeling residual agitation. And then reflecting on my words to the psychiatrist that it happened so fast like it had to be done right then. Then came the thought of making the therapy appointment the next day. Sadie must have felt suddenly pressured to act on her impulses since she knew my therapist would focus on her and try to talk her out of her programmed missed to self destruct. After figuring that sequence of events out, I called Wendy. I had missed her Monday appointment but still had my appointment for next week. She asked me about safety if I went back home. I called Brian and asked him to find all my drug stashes and regular supplies of dangerous drugs and hide them and just hand me my daily cup of meds. Wendy had liked that idea.

This morning I woke up happy and giggling with my roommate whom I had befriended. The psychiatrist poked her head in the room while I was giggling. It was time for my progress meeting. I did feel free of Sadie and no thoughts of self harm whatsoever. That came out in the meeting. I was surprised to see about three other people who were social workers and reviewers. I had taken the chance of explaining to the psychiatrist that I had DID and the self harm came from an alter…that was the first day. I feared she chalked me up to permanently crazy knowing in 2003, when I interned there, the word dissociation was not allowed. I was really nervous about thie meeting I found myself in.

Surprisingly, to me, the psychiatrist seemed to understand about Sadie and had even remembered her name. She noted my mood today and asked if I were to be released today, what my safety plan would be. She liked all I told her. One of the social workers had said she would call my psychiatrist to move my appoint up a week if possible. Before that even happened, I was told I was being released today. Wow! Not what I expected going into the meeting. I was discharged about 5 pm and am now home writing this blog entry slightly longer than 48 hours since the overdose.

Lessons to be learned

While I had written several messages about feeling suicidal, I felt I was safe waiting for my therapy appointment. I took for granted that every suicidal alter in my system healed before her programming was carried out. I can never count on that again. The extreme struggling, the emails to my therapist, the desire to call my psychiatrist were all overlooked as warning signs. I didn’t know Sadie’s agenda.

I was extremely relieved that I could speak of my DID at the psych ward to the psychiatrist. She had some grasp of it but I knew she didn’t have the skills to work with Sadie. And I knew if a professional not very experienced in working with suicidal alters could be dangerous. I stated that first day how I believed it was essential I work with my own therapist of 10+ years. And I knew my psychiatrist was affiliated with the psych ward but unfortunately only on an outpatient basis. I may have buried myself by being open about the help I needed…to find and help Sade to heal. The first day the psychiatrist asked for my website which I provided: the knowdissociation.blogspot.com link. I recalled later that would like to the mind control struff and she might just have me on lithium the rest of my life. That morning I was admitted, I asked about the 72 hour release. I asked several time and no one responded. Finally that first night I insisted that I be provided with the form. I was threatened that if I signed the form it likely meant a legal hearing and an extended stay. I signed it anyway.

The psychiatrist mentioned she was aware of the three day form even though it had only been 24 hours. But the rest of the meeting went so well. Something must have struck a chord with her. I like to think that she saw I knew what I need to heal myself.

Sorry this turned out to be so long. I am going to write a note on Facebook on a related matter and will come back and post the link here.  I really want survivors to know you can’t let your guard down. You must ask for help in healing. You must accept support for healing. And, most of all, my death wish was so strong but went away in less than two days after Sadie knew she could no longer overdose. Please keep choosing life. I’m glad I’m here to say that.

Allergies and Mind Control

Because of recent events with my own health, I wanted to document my history and the known history of the government mind control programs. The programs began with Artichoke, followed by Bluebird, and then MK-Ultra, which I believe has changed names throughout the years.

A renowned expert in dissociation, Colin Ross, M.D., authored the book Bluebird: Deliberate Creation of Multiple Personality By Psychiatrists. You can Google him to find his citations of the universities, government sites, doctors and psychiatrists, and companies/individiuals/organizations complicit in MK-Ultra experiments.

Martin Orne was a notorious psychiatrist and “expert hypnotist” who demonstrated extreme extents to which unwitting people would go in a trance state. I ordered a video of one of his subjects and experiments through a psychiatric website. In horror I watched as a woman placed her hand in acid immediately after Orne demonstrated it was indeed extremely dangerous. The woman placed her hand in it after Orne, I believe, suggested It was simply a glass of water. She had no response to the burning effects and simply removed her hand from the glass when asked to do so by Orne. He also held up a huge snake that he had her do something with. I blocked that out. Couldn’t bear to watch. When I became a therapist, I shipped all of my mind control research and tapes to another survivor for safekeeping.

This information is to provide a background for the evil and the ways these government employed participants helped in creating the perfect mind control subjects from birth. In 1997 I came across the actual study done explaining how subjects were made to believe they had allergies to anything suggested to them. That was validation for my own “histamine programming” (my term).

I had at least one alter trained to produce histamines based on environmental and/or informational cues. Basically, if my mind was going near a forbidden topic, I would have an allergy attack. I have a very clear memory of my allergies having a sudden and dramatic onset in September 1969 when I was 16. The moon landing had been that July. I believe my POW memory was that summer. But something happened that summer. I just know I was home to watch the moon landing.

Am not certain it was the first day back to school but that first month back to school my face swelled up unknown to me on the bus trip to the school. A friend on the bus told me I should go to the nurse’s office but wouldn’t tell me why. As soon as I walked into the nurse’s office, she had me lie down and called my mother to take me to the doctor. When she left the office for a minute, I walked into the bathroom and saw my highly distorted swollen face. A panic attack ensued recalling my father had an allergic reaction when I was about 5 where his tongue had swelled in his mouth cutting off his air passage. My mother told me about that only when I was older. Thank goodness that was not the case with me.

That day began a decade-long regimen of allergy tests and allergy shots and constant sinus infections. When I was an adult continuing the allergy shot regimen, I began to realize the shots were causing the sinus infections. I went off the allergy shots and relied solely on nasal sprays and allergy medication. From that time until 1997 I came to dread early Spring and hay fever season. In the mid-90s, my then family doctor began steroid injections to help control the onslaught of sneezing and constant eye-watering. By the third year of steroid injections, I was begging for injections about once a month when they were supposed to last for three months.

One of my early memories in latter 1997 had to do with being suffocated by a pillow by my father. My connection to a memory with breathing issues had an amazing impact. "Magically" my allergy symptoms slowed down dramatically to the point where I had no Spring allergies and required no steroids whatsoever by hay fever season and haven’t since.

Since begging for more steroid in August 1997 and following first abuse memories in September of that year, I came to know an alter, Annie, who constantly sneezed when she emerged. That’s when I came to understand how histamine was used to distract the mind from memory to allergy symptoms. I had begun to use herbal remedies for some non-allergy related symptoms. Once I realized my brain had been trained to produce more histamines, I researched and found that Pycnogenal lowered the level of histamines in the brain as opposed to stopping the overproduction as antihistamines did. I just stopped taking the Pycnogenal recently since I haven’t had allergy issues in about 10 years. I’m guessing my brain is back to normal levels of histamine.

What I do still have are the sinus issues for which I just processed the Delgado memories of using a removable implant in my sinus cavities. Perhaps the artificially induced allergies were more to cover up the sinus issues since that was a major component of Delgado’s mind control methods.

I believe all of my body issues are connected to how my “autonomous” system was able to be internally controlled by alters. My sinus doctor declared me infection free at my last visit but I must use a special medication to help my body do what it cannot do for itself…move accumulation in my sinuses to the nose to exit the body. I’ve been doing guided imagery to imagine the cilia moving again suspecting it froze from trauma.

When I first went on the inhalant to help my sinuses, it was to be three times a day. It caused me to have bronchial spasms which led to my having to take codeine sulphate tablets to quiet the cough. After several tries I found I could take the inhalant once every other day. Now I’m wondering if the bronchial spasm is another conditioned response.

After my cranial sacral massage two weeks ago which opened up my sinus passages, I did cough but without the spasm. It was a normal cough. No traumatic response. Yet last night the bronchial spasm returned with a vengeance. My mind tells me I need to learn how to relax my vocal chords or whatever muscles control the throat. I will work on that.

Since age 16. It just makes me want to sit down on the floor with a blanket and cry. All those shots. All those horrid injections in my sinuses in the 70s  and 80s before there was a better way to treat infections. The sinus x-rays and CT scans. It all leads back to the devious mind control methods to keep me from remembering and apparently to ensure I would remain in a desired state of compliance. I like to think of myself as a rebel. I hope that rebelliousness helps me to keep fighting this crap.

Once again, everything is connected to everything.