What Happens When You Reach Clarity?

The following lyrics are the first verse from Out of Reach sung by Matthew Perryman Jones:

you're always bound to fall
there's nothin you can do
the weight of gravity begins
to pull you down again
so what are you to do now?
stuck between the hope and doubt
you get so close to clarity
makes you question everything

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/out_of_reach_lyrics_matthew_perryman_jones.html
All about Matthew Perryman+Jones: http://www.musictory.com/music/Matthew+Perryman+Jones

These lyrics touch me on such a deep level. Since the loosening of my integration in 2008, I've been on a journey to reclaim the clarity on the other side of the dissociative fog. I now see my world clearly again. Not that I don't have dissociative moments or some still loosely integrated alters, but I see.

I fully awoke to a world where Egypt was having an uprising, albeit for the better; Libya in turmoil, the political factions of the U.S. starkly divided; and a world where the government's goals of 1947 have basically been achieved. It is overwhelming. The concept of life without dissociation as a protective shield is overwhelming. The word "life" is not something familiar to me. My perspective of life is massive, encompassing the world and all going on within it. Clarity suddenly seemed like a nightmare rather than a goal.

A dear friend uses the world life when I use the words "healing journey". I know how to heal; I don't know how to live. She wrote me the best words of wisdom to embrace this new life of clarity. Everything goes back to baby steps. Small movements forward. Breathing, putting one foot in front of the other, doing what I can or doing what I simply want...including nothing. It's all living. I can do that. I can accept that. Rather than take in the whole world at once, I need to go back to filtering to what I can handle.

My take on the world is vastly different than someone without my past, particularly the government aspect. My own government. Clarity also brings the enormity of that covert program into my processing of world events. I realize my truth impacts very few people outside the scope of that abuse. We survivors of that era find each other and provide the support most of the rest of the world prefers to ignore out of ignorance, lack of time, or need to preserve the secrecy.

I'm 58 and only now am seeing the big picture of what happened to me...the goal of the program. But I'm alive and now I have to learn how to live. Am still lacking in complete brain connections but have never lacked critical thinking skills. I just haven't always had the clarity to see all of the issues.

I view myself as a mostly healed survivor of DID and fear my role as having been part of a covert program that hurt many. Difficult juggling of emotions. But I'm here. I'm mostly clear. And I hope my life continues with deeper healing and understanding. Mostly, I hope to learn to embrace this new clarity and allow the goodness of it to enhance the rest of my years.