Relapse or Reality?

As described in my last post, my mood was boosted to a new level with a stronger emotional foundation from mid-June to the last week of July. Part of my delight was my greater capacity to love and feeling so good every day just prior to my marriage on July 22.

Many multiples tend to have multiple marriages. I was led to previous marriages by subconscious needs or messages. This is my first marriage where my now husband and I had been together 11 years. I was still quite fragmented when we first met and in heavy duty therapy. He was with me when I integrated and went through grad school and became a full time therapist. He was also there when my body fell apart in 2007 holding my hand through each hospitalization and being there for every surgery. I left my previous marriage when my husband no longer believed my abuse and offered no more emotional support. I had no doubt that my new husband would be there for me no matter what.

It's also the first marriage where I knew going into it about my diagnosis. No more secrets to come leaking out about my past. No major ones at least.  It was devastating to have been married for 18 years thinking we'd be together forever, only to have my DID surface and destroy what we'd had.

My marriage on the 22nd was lovely and we are so happy. Less than a week later though, I began to experience a body memory with no internal messages or flashbacks. I was totally lethargic and felt sick for several days. I may have been going through several memories and just did what I always do now...self care. I hated to admit I had fallen back after feeling so well. However, I knew my life may still have its bad days but I was going to have so many more better days now. I could accept that. And so could my husband.

In the past, before the integration of the strong loving feelings, being stuck in a body memory would have me falling into depression as well. That didn't happen this time. I wasn't happy about it but I wasn't depressed. That's a huge difference.

Maybe some would call it a relapse but I believe it's just the rest of my life. Body memories may come and go and I may get an occasional new memory in the years ahead. Fortunately, I feel like I can handle whatever is left to process.

On another note, I have begun to review my book Paperclip Dolls which is no longer for sale. It followed my first year of healing. I've decided not to re-release it even in Kindle form. But I will share some of it in future posts where I think it may be helpful to other survivors.