I Lived Through 2014

In December, I re-entered Sheppard Pratt after several more attempts at parts taking my life. I truly didn't think I was supposed to survive the year. I was scared and exhausted...possibly too exhausted to fight the next battle in this year's onslaught.

I spent three weeks in intensive therapy to get to all the programming as well as how the double language and messages recently discovered about "life is not safe" etc. all tied together. The harm parts all were introjects of family of origin, sometimes more than once. Each grouping that emerged had it's own messages for method of death.

I also had an explosion that flooded me with littles who had been trapped in the hidden trauma system where the harm parts had held them hostage. These littles held memories from my earliest abuse at least up to age 3. Their fear, shame, guilt, pain, feeling unloved and unwanted overloaded me. The trigger had been feelings of rejection by a staff member. I was told it was an emotional flashback where I responded to staff who looked at me "wrong" or spoke to me in a way viewed as dismissive the way I had never been allowed to express such feelings to family members when I was younger. Intense is not strong enough a word. For several days I felt deluged by these littles.

I was encouraged to work on orienting newly surfaced parts to the present. By the third day, all had settled down. I understood how treatment by family members went hand in hand with family introjects. In healing all the emotional and internal chaos, I came to understand more of my system than ever before. I was able to go through my many collages after returning home and understanding how they told me of that hidden trauma world...where it existed in the body.

Amidst all the turmoil, I discovered what had been my 3-4 year old core (who I thought had healed), had been taken into that system where she aged to a teen. Somehow she knew about healing as soon as she surfaced, moved to the healing side, and began to help my protectors since she knew of all their plans. It is her life. I've recovered possibly all core parts but am not sure. This one merged into my female inner wisdom, is happy, wanting to experience life, and guiding me with healing since I've been home.

I feel like 2014 was a non-stop cycle of death attempts finally come to an end. Healing active harm parts was definitely different skills from the healing I had done with alters since 1997. Most helpful was learning mindfulness which is the core of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). As a therapist, I had avoided learning DBT because of its complexity. The author, Marsha Lineman, has a second edition workbook with exercises. I worked on some at Sheppard Pratt and purchased the book for at home to continue.

I've also downloaded an app called Headspace which provides ten free 10-minute mindfulness meditations. I've been doing one a day. They can be recycled or they offer choices to continue to acquire new ones along with SOS sessions for calming anxiety while in public or any other time you need extra help.

I'm in a far better, stronger emotional place now than I was going into the hospital the third time this year. It's unfortunate the second hospital wasn't Sheppard Pratt because I very much needed the parts work. Everything in its own time. Still work to be done on changing those old messages inside. Wish I could say there was an end to this triggered trauma. I just haven't found it yet. Guess the message is there is excellent help at Sheppard Pratt for those struggling with harm issues and DID. There is hope.

Serial Suicide Programming

Once released from Sheppard Pratt in June, my own suicidal/self-harm attempts continued into August. I was hospitalized after a very calculated (to be lethal) overdose ending up in a hospital that didn't treat DID. The waiting list for Sheppard Pratt at that time was about six weeks.  Regardless, my assigned therapist at Philhaven, Mount Gretna, PA, was knowledgeable and I was able to get to some very deeply ingrained subconscious messages that explained my repeated attempt to die. The message(s) was: Living is not safe; happy is not safe; safe is not safe. The more I healed or found reasons to be happy, the more it triggered the harm parts of me to "keep me safe" which was death.

Much healing happened after getting to those alarming messages. I'm glad I survived to learn what happened. The father's death triggered those messages much more strongly on the third anniversary of his death than right after his death. It's maddening and enlightening at the same time. I think what's most hideous to process is how strongly the father wanted me dead when he died if I had survived all the other suicide programming by that time.

Anyone reading this, please make others aware before a parent dies with whom there were issues. Even if therapy helped to process the issues (as I had done), it can still impact on a level we can't even fathom. Stay safe out there...in the true meaning of safe.