Once released from Sheppard Pratt in June, my own suicidal/self-harm attempts continued into August. I was hospitalized
after a very calculated (to be lethal) overdose ending up in a hospital
that didn't treat DID. The waiting list for Sheppard Pratt at that time was about six weeks. Regardless, my assigned therapist at Philhaven, Mount Gretna, PA, was
knowledgeable and I was able to get to some very deeply ingrained
subconscious messages that explained my repeated attempt to die. The
message(s) was: Living is not safe; happy is not safe; safe is not safe.
The more I healed or found reasons to be happy, the more it triggered
the harm parts of me to "keep me safe" which was death.
Much
healing happened after getting to those alarming messages. I'm glad I
survived to learn what happened. The father's death triggered those
messages much more strongly on the third anniversary of his death than
right after his death. It's maddening and enlightening at the same time.
I think what's most hideous to process is how strongly the father
wanted me dead when he died if I had survived all the other suicide
programming by that time.
Anyone reading this, please make
others aware before a parent dies with whom there were issues. Even if
therapy helped to process the issues (as I had done), it can still
impact on a level we can't even fathom. Stay safe out there...in the
true meaning of safe.
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