The reminder object

I moved every few years of my life from the time I was born...military reassignments for the father. When I was 3, we lived in Germany and I was given a Steiff teddybear. I loved that bear. When others played with dolls, I played with the bear. I hated dolls. Throughout our moves, my mother's rule was we could keep "x" stuffed animals and the rest would be given away or tossed out. My bear always made the cut. I was so proud that I still had my bear when I was 44 years old.

When memories surfaced later in the year I was 44, I read that a survivor of organized pedophilia will likely have a toy or object from childhood as a reminder of something--don't tell, call a parent or family member if memory begins, whatever. Suddenly I panicked over my bear. My one "good" memory from childhood, or so I thought. Betrayed again. My bear reminded me I wasn't "real". A bear has no will. It can't see, speak, or hear. The only way it does anything is if someone else makes it do something. I threw my once beloved bear into the trash. A horrid emptiness remained. I quickly went out and bought myself a bear of my choosing to represent healing.

After spending all of my life hating dolls, I fell in love with a "So Truly Real" doll...Baby Grace. She's beautiful and precious. I've collected a few that I cherish as an adult. Transforming old messages.

If you find an object from your past or know what it is after reading this, be gentle with yourself. Focus on replacing it physically with something new or make a complete change. You have choices now. Maybe take the object to your therapist to process what it might mean. Possibly this doesn't happen to all survivors. Apparently it happens to a lot though.