44° North - Explaining the Unexplicable

Apparently I've never written of this part of my healing. At least searching my blog yields no results for key words. Early in healing I had a protector who went with 44N. I had no idea what it meant at the time except that it was a brand of clothing. In 2005, my now husband and I took a trip to Italy. One of the locations I happened to find online: a gorgeous view from a bed & breakfast atop a hill in Cinque Terre. We did our own itinerary. We were able to get reservations at THE B&B whose website I'd found. The trip was booked. Before the vacation, I began to get internal messages as I always do. But I was getting 44N so loudly. Eventually I started looking up the cities we were to stay in to see what longitude and latitude they were. Milan was too far north and Tuscany too far south. Cinque Terre was 44.1° N. At first I was frightened I was going to relive some trauma when I visited. My inner wisdom assured me I'd be fine and see the answers in my photos when I returned.

Indeed, I did see things in my photos and also began to feel healing. It was Gracie who surfaced and who recently integrated into my heart in early June this year. This is the photo that most impacted me.

I hadn't noticed at the time I took the photo that the branches of the vine or olive tree formed the shape of a heart.

I'd had a previous experience with 44°N and this new experience solidified that it meant great healing. Soon my husband and I are off to Paris and Avignon for vacation. Brian had chosen Avignon which sounded perfect to me. My last post in this blog had me processing trauma constantly connected to Iran when I again got hit repeatedly with the 44N message. I immediately checked Paris which was too high. Avignon, however, is 44.0° N. I nearly fainted. Brian said it was impossible because he thought it was so much further south than Italy. Not the case.

My internal processing shifted from Iran (my early teen years) to a huge trauma that shattered my three-year-old being in Germany in 1955. I got the memory in a very detailed manner as well as how part of me split off during the trauma and escaped to 44N in France. New pictures of her showed her healed and an adult. This brings the term "parallel universe" into play. How did that happen? Is it just a story given to me that is coincidental to my travels? How did I manage to go to 44°N twice without conscious realization? And why couldn't they return to me instead of my going to them?

When this message surfaced I was driven (obsessed) to make sure I had saved all of my Polyvore sets...a project that had been more done than not. I dove in and saved every relevant set since the beginning. I also found two DVDs with Polyvore sets from four years ago, the beginning of Polyvore for me and the end of handmade collages. Within those long forgotten sets I could see that most of my programmed system began with that trauma in 1955. Rose represented something programmers wanted eliminated from my being. Her destruction was targeted and resulted in half of her remaining in the trauma as what they wanted her to be and her other half escaped as Rose. I also found a frightening set that clearly showed programming for me to self-destruct should Gracie and Rose ever reunite within me.

I then understood why there were two separate 44N locations. It was dangerous for them to have escaped together. The programming was undone early in 2011 when I had such a difficult time and had overdosed because of a perp part hidden inside despite several previous integrations. It hadn't been safe for Rose to return until that perp and his associated alters were healed. Since then Gracie integrated. It is now safe.

Sets of Rose show her closely connected to Mother Mary. In Avignon is a beautiful gold statue of Mother Mary where logic tells me I might encounter this part of me; but logic has never really worked in the past. I had no idea going to Italy what 44°N meant but, now that I do, I am so excited as are several inside who had been strongly connected to Rose before she left. Most thought she had died but some showed me in my art that they knew of the secret of her hiding and healing.

Call it what you want. The story comes from within but this is only my second European vacation and the only two I've had with Brian. So many questions to be asked of the universe. A sort of invisible miracle? Regardless, healing is healing. I'll take it however it comes to me.

This set was done in February 2009 and named Rose - Safe in a Parallel Universe. She goes with the nautilus, pink roses, and hearts. The following set shows she has emerged from the shell and is awaiting "rescue".

 

I'm looking forward to writing of the reunion when I return...if it happens while I'm there. It did take Gracie several months to make her internal presence known and seven years to integrate.

Art Therapy In Progress

I am still reeling from this discovery of a part of me called Floating Grace. She began with an item in a Polyvore set made for me by a friend who is not a survivor. I connected with it immediately. After adopting her, I first added a face and made her my own item, adding wings in the next set.

Have been going through quite a time with flashbacks and body memories and strange internal messages and being led to new information online since about July 1. I see my last entry was exactly one month ago...if that means anything.

Here is the evolution of Floating Grace through art:

Nursery Time by grace2244 (missing polytime) featuring Annina Vogel necklaces

***Floating Grace by grace2244 (missing polytime) on Polyvore.com

***Pieces of Memory by grace2244 (missing polytime) on Polyvore.com

Such Absurdities by grace2244 (missing polytime) on Polyvore.com

Untitled by grace2244 (missing polytime) featuring Tarina Tarantino jewelry

Floating Grace...again by grace2244 (missing polytime) on Polyvore.com

Interesting how the cartoonish item had the black and white. Dots seemed to go with her before the child image was found. And the TOP SECRET and CLASSIFIED font is black and white. I think Floating Grace knows things I may not ever really know for safety reasons. But I am able to connect her dots through researching clues on the internet.

Going into the pain

I have no specific advice or lesson for this entry. Just thought I'd share some of what's going on with me to help survivors see how confusing and emotionally raw things stay stuck long after reaching the point of having your life back. "Life" meaning you can function day to day and maybe have a career or have a job or get to know joy and happy and calm.

After releasing the long ongoing memory relating to Halloween and other things, I did not feel a whoosh of relief or change in clarity as often happens after something that huge is processed. In fact, I have been hovering just above a very sad and dark place. I guess thankfully I can't work now so that I can have therapy more frequently during this crap. So of course, at my session today, I went inside and a deep ache was felt just under the left side of my ribcage kind of down and to the left of the heart.

This aching "feels like death". Very sad tormented fragment. There really wasn't a voice to it. I was getting messages in my head about it. The message of this feeling of death was "I have to be dead to live." Well, there's a classic doublebind perp message. My therapist is very good at speaking to what is going on and unraveling the un-logic of the message. She also led me through what I recently blogged about--the dreaded self-nurturing. As she spoke of releasing the grief and sadness, I let out a sob. Possibly some of you can relate to the experience of hearing others inside--patterns of speech, age clues, body sensations, tone of voice. It's odd and interesting to me. Interesting from being a therapist and trying to process both as a client and as someone who might use the knowledge of the moment to help another.

The sob and subsequent crying sounds were that of a preverbal child...a baby. I had recalled that "feeling so tired I wish I would die" sadness since high school. Apparently it's been there since before I could talk. It was about feeling abandoned and unloved and afraid and wanting to just go away. That's how bad it is for all survivors of DID. It was THAT bad. I have words accompanying one of my collages that say something like "A child sees and recognizes long before she has words to express". I recognize this fragment as part of an adult alter who desperately wanted to die several years ago. Living was just too painful for her. I guess she left behind this fragment. The baby is now rescued and I hope will join with the rest of her who has integrated into my inner wisdom so she doesn't have to be "in" the body.

Following the therapy session, my mind tends to keep processing. And I realized there was another very f**ked up childhood story that went with this part of me. Is Brer Rabbit still a story read to children? My wounded adult alter was first called Tar Baby until I learned her name. One of the children's stories is about Brer Rabbit and Tar Baby. I don't remember the plot. The confusion was wrapped around Brer and my pronouncing it Bare. Bares were bunnies or rabbits and bears were bears. That's what I was taught. So hearing the words, I learned bunnies (bares) and bears were the same thing. Interestingly, on Twitter, I use a bunny icon with a background of teddy bears. I just went through a bunch of teddy bear stuff lately too...after I blogged about "the reminder object", which for me was a teddy bear.

This is how the puzzle of past keeps building on itself. I call it "clue talk". Here goes. The message was that the teddy bear went with boys. Back to the male/female split in my system that overshadowed all other confusions. Yesterday I decided I needed a stuffed animal brown bunny. I found the one I wanted online and put in my request. This morning I got the rest of that message. Bunnies go with girls. Bares are girls and bears are boys. Did that just give you a headache? My very sad death part is a bunny. She was rescued today. I will have a representation of her to hug and nurture next week.

I accomplished much of my "self-nurturing" by having littles who related to certain animals. My stuffed animal collection is rather extensive. But I managed to do a lot of healing hugging stuffed animals since I was not so good with internally nurturing of wounded selves. It works and I often taught self-nurturing to others by suggesting they adopt a doll or stuffie (owned, borrowed, or purchased) and designate it as "little me" to become bonded to their inner child. That's how it would work for a singleton.

Hares, bares, bears. Confusing language. Fractured fairytales. Such was the stuff of my life. It took a lot of planning to do this to me, which is why sophisticated levels of organized pedophilia rarely change the formula. I think there a variety of fractured fairytales to choose from as diversion. Who could make this up? I can't think complicated. But what I unravel is this confusing. It's answers coming one at a time over a long period of time. It's been 11 years for me. But I needed all the pieces to make sense to me up to this point before I could possibly understand the meaning of the hurt little bunny. My dedication to healing and integrating was my promise to one of my first littles who went with sad bunny pictures. Her job was to hold my pain. I vowed to integrate so she could know good feelings too.

Every survivor has their own story and own system and own way of unraveling the mystery that was their life. And we all start with a single thread that is given to us the day we "wake up" from the amnesia. I have no idea if this answer is the last big answer I'll get. It was worth these weeks of depression to find that long hidden feeling of death. I would dearly love not to live the rest of my life fighting that deeply sad message of wanting to die.

Election results may impact survivors

Some survivors are experiencing messages and fears as the election draws near. Most who have survived organized pedophilia are likely to have messages related to doomsday, the coming of the apocalypse, end of times, end of the world. This is actual self-destruct motivated. If you have such thoughts and fears, know that what you are experiencing happens to many survivors. My one client went through at least four dates during our work together when she was convinced the world was going to end. It's not going to happen.

If you have a therapist and experience strong messages and fear, being in touch or reinforcing a safety plan would be good. If you know how to do your own internal work, you might ask those with the messages and fears to move into a special safe place where they know they don't have to act on the messages and don't have to see what's going on outside in the world. If you see a therapist, the containment on your own until you have a session again would be helpful.

Unfortunately, the only thing that convinces alters that the world is not going to end is seeing the day after that the world is still okay. What happens is the fear can become so overwhelming, you may begin to believe you are better off self-destructing than see what happens on the date or event. Don't let this happen to you.

To be safe, make sure, if you can, a trusted person knows of your whereabouts until after the event. Check in with the friend on a regular basis or, if available, leave voicemails or send emails to your therapist periodically stating you are okay. Understand this is something the abusers wanted you to think and act on. You have choices now.

I wish I could say this will never come up again. For some, there are layers of these kinds of messages meant to trigger with certain world events. The messages are lies meant to hurt you. It doesn't help that television and other media might be giving the same kinds of messages. Change the channel or stop watching. Use safe place, slowed breathing, and comfort objects. Possibly draw or collage the messages to get them out safely.

Some religions use this kind of prophecy...end of times. Even if you are part of such a religious group, you can tell yourself that it does not mean you and it does not mean now. Abusers count on these messages to destroy their once victims as adults. It's called "suiciding". Don't let yourself succumb to what they wanted for you. You have a purpose for having survived their horror.

I went through this on 9/11/2001. It can be quite intense and can be accompanied by spinning and headaches. You have some basic tools to stop the spinning. Be safe. Be gentle with yourselves.

Getting to know you

I've mentioned collages or art or cutting out pictures a number times. Some survivors use images very effectively to process memories even though much is not known consciously as to its meaning. It can be enormously helpful when memories surface and/or a new alter surfaces. Alters will choose pictures to identify themselves. It's an exercise in system cooperation as well. Go through magazines and grab any picture where you get a feeling that you must have the image. Don't worry if it doesn't make sense to you...such as an inanimate object or group of images. In going through magazines, alters will grab pictures that go with memories as well. I love that I had a visual identification for all of my alters.

Use unusual magazines like electronics, computer-related, art related. Communication Arts (at $53 a year) is a most valuable resource. I kept subscriptions for my clients to use. Often, entire collages were made of images from that magazine. Individual copies are available in news stores or bookstores, but one issue is probably about $18-$20. If you look through a copy in the store, you will see what I mean. Their photography annual and illustration annual are ripe with strange and bizarre images that go with stuff that can express the experience of having been abused by organized pedophiles. I would justify the cost of an annual subscription as less than the cost of one therapy session.

My hairdresser used to know I was in the waiting room because she could hear me "secretly" tearing photos out of her magazines. When you see a picture you need, you HAVE to have it. lol. You can always make note of the issue and get hold of one at the store. Sometimes libraries and doctors offices have old magazines they are happy to turn over. And don't forget the parenting magazines for baby and child pictures and a few teen magazines for teen alters. Greeting cards are more expensive now, but I found a number of littles on Anne Geddes cards and in the images of children done in black and white with a splash of color. I don't recall the photographer or artist.

Keep in mind that sometimes metaphor is used to portray a memory. So a particular item or animal may appear over and over throughout collages or pictures. When the time comes, your system will let you know the meaning. Everything in its own time. Today I was going through one of my binders of images and a picture of a rabbit is on the cover of one along with other images. These are the words written next to the rabbit which is a beautiful carving in stone:

"In many Native American traditions, the rabbit is a symbol of fear, yet an old story tells that rabbit used to be a great warrior. Use this...to help you conquer your fears. Let the rabbit remind you of where you have been (trapped in your fears) and know that, just like the rabbit, you have a Spiritual warrior hidden within, beneath your fears, waiting to help you claim a passionate new way of being."

The reminder object

I moved every few years of my life from the time I was born...military reassignments for the father. When I was 3, we lived in Germany and I was given a Steiff teddybear. I loved that bear. When others played with dolls, I played with the bear. I hated dolls. Throughout our moves, my mother's rule was we could keep "x" stuffed animals and the rest would be given away or tossed out. My bear always made the cut. I was so proud that I still had my bear when I was 44 years old.

When memories surfaced later in the year I was 44, I read that a survivor of organized pedophilia will likely have a toy or object from childhood as a reminder of something--don't tell, call a parent or family member if memory begins, whatever. Suddenly I panicked over my bear. My one "good" memory from childhood, or so I thought. Betrayed again. My bear reminded me I wasn't "real". A bear has no will. It can't see, speak, or hear. The only way it does anything is if someone else makes it do something. I threw my once beloved bear into the trash. A horrid emptiness remained. I quickly went out and bought myself a bear of my choosing to represent healing.

After spending all of my life hating dolls, I fell in love with a "So Truly Real" doll...Baby Grace. She's beautiful and precious. I've collected a few that I cherish as an adult. Transforming old messages.

If you find an object from your past or know what it is after reading this, be gentle with yourself. Focus on replacing it physically with something new or make a complete change. You have choices now. Maybe take the object to your therapist to process what it might mean. Possibly this doesn't happen to all survivors. Apparently it happens to a lot though.