So little is documented about this final phase of healing. Am sharing in hopes it might help others now or in the future. I've been stuck in collage land at Polyvore.com. I think all that knowledge that is supposed to become known following fusion (final phase of integration where the memories feel like *mine*), is coming out through images. My once system was very expressive with images the first few years. Now I'm being shown the different systems I had.
There isn't a balance of brain time yet. The reality is that the person who was me integrated into the healed adult core...as healed as one can get, I guess. Still have some issues. I know Jane came out to blog. I think the collages are coming from who was Raven because she knows most of the abuse and the system. Or maybe it's my inner wisdom taking over. Since I discovered the collage site, I zone out for 6 to 8 hours at a time. Anything that needs to be done for the house or me gets blocked out. I need time share.
Yesterday I used the following example to explain what happened. It used to be like living in a dormitory. I knew some of the people across the hall, sometimes talked to them, sometimes overheard them. Now we all live together in one room trying to get along and figure out how to agree on a schedule of whose priorities are most important so I can do my blogs and do healing energy work and still do a collage. Eventually the separateness will "gel" (I hope). Actually feels more multiple during the settling in period after integration...at least to me. After three times, guess I can say I'm experienced on the topic. *snork*
Have been sleeping 7 to 8 hours a night but am staying up later rather than going to bed earlier. Has been more like 4 to 5 a.m. rather than 2 to 3 a.m. Have to figure that one out. Then there's just how to live as only a little bit multiple. Brain processes are greatly slowed right now. Realize I'm being more open with family. Possibly the one who has felt free to speak of being DID and multiple online now has a literal voice. Not sure if that's a good thing. I do know healing is good and am grateful for the healing milestone. It's just not an instant good thing.
Am relieved to be beyond Christmas and have only slight anxiety about New Years. I do wish for a very different 2009. One that has health, fitness, more focus and a new practice with a lovely office to return to psychotherapy. Oh yes, and more moments of joy than sadness. A reasonable goal.
2 comments:
I'm just starting to figure out being multiple, and can't seem to grasp the concept of integration at all. Do you feel like it's really been worth the effort? I don't feel like there's anything "wrong" with me. I guess it's just all that I know.
If you are in the beginning of therapy because of DID, you don't need to think about integration. It's too soon to grasp what it is. And, for many, there is a choice about you'd like everyone to cooperate rather than integrate. You'll have choices; sometimes alters will spontaneously merge or blend together, or a small group will.
Sometime you can decide what you believe is best for you. Integration was a very early goal for me but I know several who chose cooperation and that's fine for them. You can be high functioning either way. Wishing you a good start to your healing journey.
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