Apr 22, 2010
Sex vs. Love
For the past week have been processing further integration only to learn one part of me is still walled off. She's probably always been walled off. Initially the messages came through Libby's sets. The woman behind glass in several images represents Libby's sexual repulsion.
Yesterday and this morning it kept coming to me that the woman behind the glass was Joy. At first..."Joy of Sex". But she represents joy/bliss at a level I've not known before. Internal aha. "Sex" in a loving relationship (at least for me and am guessing most) comes from happiness, intimacy, bliss. It comes from a happy place in healthy relationships. Whatever "happy" was in the world of abuse we know was not the true meaning of happy.
I'd thought I did experience happiness and moments of joy on a daily basis. But I also have a "wall" that keeps me from calling people I love dearly. Had thought that was my phone phobia but that particular kind of phone call is denying me a joy I truly want. I did the above set this morning before I left for afternoon physical therapy. All of what I just wrote came together during my drive time. I want to allow Joy in. I may have to wait until my psychotherapy session next week to help Libby also embrace Joy.
Apr 9, 2010
Art Therapy Still Surprises Me
I put the background of the above collage together knowing I wanted to put the girl with the bubblegum on top. I tend to do most art with few words these days. But early in healing when my pictures came from magazines, I often put words on the sets. It didn't take long to realize words were just as meaningful (or likely to be an internal message) as the pictures.
Often words too small for me to read without my trusty magnifying glass, had huge meaning...always totally amazing me. In assembling the background for the above collage I'm focused on color and shape and fit. It wasn't until I placed the girl with the bubble that the word BLOW next to her suddenly jumped out at me. The main message of the collage with intentionally obscured meaning was right there in letters. When I found it, I immediately put the clear bubble around it.
Gotta love the subconscious when it comes to those surprises that suddenly (or sometimes not so suddenly) reveal themselves. If you've been doing art therapy, you may want to review past sets for words or phrases. It was my experience that words on or near alters went with them. Sometimes a phrase or word sort of standing on its own applies to the entire collage or memory.
Happy collaging!
Apr 1, 2010
Alice Programming
This may be triggering to unhealed survivors. I'm hopeful it might be helpful to therapists treating clients with programming. This is what I found in me. It's not necessarily what everyone with Alice Programming will experience. Likely there will be some similar components though.
Consciousness is Wonderland which has a rainbow and poppies (the Oz in Wizard of Oz). This is part of the backwards world created around victims.
Subconsciousness is Oz which has dandelions. To cross "the bridge" from consciousness to subconsciousness, Alice has to go down the rabbit hole which is represented as a hypnotic spiral by many survivors.
The ferris wheels represent spinning to forget. I've also used carousels. When Oz is activated, consciousness is "asleep". Oz is controlled by handlers/abusers. Wonderland is a very guarded world since alters filter what the host sees, hears, and speaks.
Both Wonderland and Oz have an Alice. There might be a Dorothy but, for me, Dorothy went with a huge spin program like the tornado.
Tinkerbelle can go anywhere in the system. Alice "reports" to Tinkerbelle. Tinkerbelle makes sure Alice does what she is told.
Alice had been fragmented into four selves who had to merge for Alice to heal. Tinkerbell was also fragmented into two or more selves. She also merged into one and then merged into Alice.
The big surprise, for me, is Mickey Mouse represented my system's master controller. Huge perp...usually very scary entity. I am guessing my protector used his ingenuity to have me process Mickey Mouse instead of an internal s*tan. Genius. I'm so grateful. So Tinkerbelle reported to Mickey Mouse. I just became aware of Mickey Mouse's role two days ago.
I believe this was the very first structure within me, the base of my system matrix. Until the matrix collapsed, Alice and Tinkerbelle could not have healed. Alice began so early in my life and I'm still impacted by her cues to dissociate now that she's healed. However, at least I am now more aware of my environment than ever before.
Once Alice was completely healed, it opened the door for my original authentic self to emerge. Alice goes with so many keys but she, herself, is a key to healing.
This part of healing (Alice) began December 2009 and I am now working with my healed core self (who is an adult). I functioned at a very high level for several years after dismantling the matrix. I thought I was all healed. Am not sure where I am is the last that needs to happen for full healing, but am sure it's a great sign the core has emerged.
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