I am still reeling from this discovery of a part of me called Floating Grace. She began with an item in a Polyvore set made for me by a friend who is not a survivor. I connected with it immediately. After adopting her, I first added a face and made her my own item, adding wings in the next set.
Have been going through quite a time with flashbacks and body memories and strange internal messages and being led to new information online since about July 1. I see my last entry was exactly one month ago...if that means anything.
Here is the evolution of Floating Grace through art:
Interesting how the cartoonish item had the black and white. Dots seemed to go with her before the child image was found. And the TOP SECRET and CLASSIFIED font is black and white. I think Floating Grace knows things I may not ever really know for safety reasons. But I am able to connect her dots through researching clues on the internet.
Showing posts with label art. Show all posts
Showing posts with label art. Show all posts
Jul 4, 2010
Jun 4, 2010
Discovery of Marnie - Evolution of Internal Self
I wish I could easily find my first magazine images of Marnie...long dark hair, always near water. And my obsession with the 1964 Alfred Hitchcock movie Marnie with Tippie Hedron and Sean Connery pre-James Bond days. I was in 5th grade and it was when theaters allowed you to stay for as many showings as you wanted. I stayed there for three shows before knowing I had to go home.
After knowing I had DID, I found a used DVD online and found it just as riveting but also understood the great attraction...Marnie had trauma in her childhood, amnesia for the event, obsessive behaviors, fear of men, and PTSD. Part of me knew I needed to remember that movie. Finding a part named Marnie made all of that fall into place.
These past few days I watched a "new" (unidentified) Polyvore image emerge as a part of me. Just this morning I got the internal message she was Marnie. I believe she is the part of me who makes sure I'm at my aquatics therapy sessions three times a week. It is helping bring back all the muscles that atrophied since the surgeries of 2007-2008.
I had noted to my life partner that something happens that I go from slug to total motivation when it's time to get ready for therapy. It truly feels like a different energy and now explains why I often blank out while driving to rehab. Marnie loves the water. I guess I helped her heal and now she's helping me to heal.
Thought it was interesting that the gorgeous "portrait" of her beneath the sea was the earliest Polyvore set, not knowing who she was. But here she is now nearly a year later coming forward. I had an even earlier set of her that was not as artistic where she was rescuing my soul (a little girl) from a locked chest on the bottom of the sea.
Am hoping this is helpful to those with DID. Answers come in no particular order and at times when no meaning is attached. I've been going to aquatherapy for two months and she just know is letting me know it's her. Kinda cool...I think.
Apr 9, 2010
Art Therapy Still Surprises Me
I put the background of the above collage together knowing I wanted to put the girl with the bubblegum on top. I tend to do most art with few words these days. But early in healing when my pictures came from magazines, I often put words on the sets. It didn't take long to realize words were just as meaningful (or likely to be an internal message) as the pictures.
Often words too small for me to read without my trusty magnifying glass, had huge meaning...always totally amazing me. In assembling the background for the above collage I'm focused on color and shape and fit. It wasn't until I placed the girl with the bubble that the word BLOW next to her suddenly jumped out at me. The main message of the collage with intentionally obscured meaning was right there in letters. When I found it, I immediately put the clear bubble around it.
Gotta love the subconscious when it comes to those surprises that suddenly (or sometimes not so suddenly) reveal themselves. If you've been doing art therapy, you may want to review past sets for words or phrases. It was my experience that words on or near alters went with them. Sometimes a phrase or word sort of standing on its own applies to the entire collage or memory.
Happy collaging!
Apr 21, 2009
Jan 18, 2009
Project Mayhem Resolved
Wow. Doing that collage with the cigarettes has had some immediate results. I was wondering why I couldn't stop it myself since I knew what was being done. Plus, I got the name of "collage person". I posted a series of her pictures on the art blog awhile ago. Her name is Easel. I know. Slap self on forehead. She goes with art. The little blond girl who has appeared in several collages who I thought was a young Janie was Easel. You can see from my many images of Easel that she is always with short blond hair and has those delicate facial features.
Even though it sounded silly as I was asking inside, I wondered if we just couldn't have a "no smoking" policy so I wouldn't be "burned" again. My always knowledgeable protector indicated by knowing the answer, it was now undone. He also noted how brave Easel had been to show me the answer.
This morning I started off with loud high pitched screams because of the blister. After speaking to my SO about my internal conversation, I realized that the pain didn't even evoke an eek. It's sore but on it's way to resolving already.
This is the part I couldn't make up if I wanted to. Early programming was in Germany and spoken in German. I've kept German and Russian dictionaries near me through my healing since realizing I had clues in those languages too. Easel goes with artist in English but "esel" in German means ass--which is the site of my pain. I don't know if it was a cigarette or something like a cigarette. But some kind of probe was used to burn me.
Fight Club goes with fires and a photo shoot prior to the release of Fight Club had Brad Pitt with fires and a bunny! It all goes together in a very complex puzzle in a way nothing else could go together. The proof will be if I ever have blisters again in "that" area of my body. With all the memories and truth coming out now, that would be a much welcome relief. I thought it was neat that collaging led directly the undoing of this previously unending painful problem. Yes, alters can be trained to do all kinds of things to the body. Typically that's reserved for very sophisticated programming, which, unfortunately, I had.
I'm very happy that Esel is now officially Easel and expressing herself beautifully. I guess that might sound conceited but I'm actually very proud of "her", who I know is making herself known as part of healed me. The United States of Tara is at 10 p.m. My hopes are way up for the series. Please watch if you have Showtime to gain an understanding of multiples. The show can go a long way toward erasing the horribly negative image we survivors have and continue to endure.
Even though it sounded silly as I was asking inside, I wondered if we just couldn't have a "no smoking" policy so I wouldn't be "burned" again. My always knowledgeable protector indicated by knowing the answer, it was now undone. He also noted how brave Easel had been to show me the answer.
This morning I started off with loud high pitched screams because of the blister. After speaking to my SO about my internal conversation, I realized that the pain didn't even evoke an eek. It's sore but on it's way to resolving already.
This is the part I couldn't make up if I wanted to. Early programming was in Germany and spoken in German. I've kept German and Russian dictionaries near me through my healing since realizing I had clues in those languages too. Easel goes with artist in English but "esel" in German means ass--which is the site of my pain. I don't know if it was a cigarette or something like a cigarette. But some kind of probe was used to burn me.
Fight Club goes with fires and a photo shoot prior to the release of Fight Club had Brad Pitt with fires and a bunny! It all goes together in a very complex puzzle in a way nothing else could go together. The proof will be if I ever have blisters again in "that" area of my body. With all the memories and truth coming out now, that would be a much welcome relief. I thought it was neat that collaging led directly the undoing of this previously unending painful problem. Yes, alters can be trained to do all kinds of things to the body. Typically that's reserved for very sophisticated programming, which, unfortunately, I had.
I'm very happy that Esel is now officially Easel and expressing herself beautifully. I guess that might sound conceited but I'm actually very proud of "her", who I know is making herself known as part of healed me. The United States of Tara is at 10 p.m. My hopes are way up for the series. Please watch if you have Showtime to gain an understanding of multiples. The show can go a long way toward erasing the horribly negative image we survivors have and continue to endure.
Project Mayhem
Some may recall the movie Fight Club. The storyline includes Brad Pitt as an alter of Edward Norton. From my perspective, the entire movie looked like the inside world of someone who was multiple. I'm not sure all main characters smoked, but both Brad Pitt and Helene Bonham Carter's characters were chain smokers. Brad, as Tyler, begins Project Mayhem to raise hell with the city government (as I recall). Why am I talking about Fight Club?
A recent post in Grace Uncensored spoke of the cigarette and/or cigar burns that occur as body memories and have never stopped throughout my healing. I recall having painful "sores" before memories. I just didn't tell anyone I had a problem I couldn't explain. My therapist and I agreed to work on undoing any residual programming in case the burns are the result of a kind of self-harm conditioning. That would mean an alter or alters are creating whatever chemical responses in my body are necessary to cause the painful blisters that always are in my genital area.
Last night I felt a blister begin in a very painful spot. I'm angry today that I haven't been able to stop this before now. With all the collages, I wondered what would happen if I just started putting pictures of cigarettes and cigars on a blank collage page. Not that anyone needs to understand the meaning of everything, but I was able to see the alter who is responsible for the burns or who has the answer to stop it. The burning of my very sensitive orifices began shortly after I was born, if not immediately after my birth. It may have been the first consistent trauma (painful sensation) to cause a split.
I couldn't get the answer by asking inside, but those with the answers in fused me were able to show me who was responsible for my distress and much more with art therapy. I'm still in awe of the synchronicity of finding Polyvore website so soon after the fusion but before the new brain connections began to overflow.
Clearly, you can see from the collage, it was not okay to be a girl.
Project Mayhem by grace2244
A recent post in Grace Uncensored spoke of the cigarette and/or cigar burns that occur as body memories and have never stopped throughout my healing. I recall having painful "sores" before memories. I just didn't tell anyone I had a problem I couldn't explain. My therapist and I agreed to work on undoing any residual programming in case the burns are the result of a kind of self-harm conditioning. That would mean an alter or alters are creating whatever chemical responses in my body are necessary to cause the painful blisters that always are in my genital area.
Last night I felt a blister begin in a very painful spot. I'm angry today that I haven't been able to stop this before now. With all the collages, I wondered what would happen if I just started putting pictures of cigarettes and cigars on a blank collage page. Not that anyone needs to understand the meaning of everything, but I was able to see the alter who is responsible for the burns or who has the answer to stop it. The burning of my very sensitive orifices began shortly after I was born, if not immediately after my birth. It may have been the first consistent trauma (painful sensation) to cause a split.
I couldn't get the answer by asking inside, but those with the answers in fused me were able to show me who was responsible for my distress and much more with art therapy. I'm still in awe of the synchronicity of finding Polyvore website so soon after the fusion but before the new brain connections began to overflow.
Clearly, you can see from the collage, it was not okay to be a girl.
Project Mayhem by grace2244
Jan 16, 2009
Rebirth Ceremony
This topic has the potential to be highly triggering. Please use your best judgment if you are in the early stages of healing from DID before reading further. I'm sharing this information because it may help make sense of partial memories or fears. My first insight into this ceremony was from the brochure provided by the Ritual Abuse Task Force (Los Angeles?) in the late 90s. One of my earlier collages depicted the ceremony exactly as outlined yet had made no sense to me looking at it. You can see it had no overt horror elements. I had believed from the images that it took place in Holland where my parents took me on a "special" trip without my sister. We lived in Germany at the time.
The words are blurred but become legible if you click on it to enlarge. The vultures are speaking about a dead carcass and the "ad" at the top right speaks about a sheep's uterus. The lower portion of the collage is blatantly classical music and time which goes with conditioning. All intentional horror has a specific purpose in organized pedophilia.
Recently I read another description of the ceremony from a therapist whose survivor clients had recalled greater details. Basically, the young child is placed inside the body of a large dead animal. Since I have always been tiny, I would not be surprised if the animal of choice for me was a sheep even though some believe only specific animals are used. A sheep is not one of them which is why I don't rely on one definition for anything in this underworld.
The child is sewn inside the carcass for a period of time for horrific isolation. In one of the descriptions I read, the purpose was to create an alter to be the loyal cult alter. However in both my earlier collages of Holland and the one I completed last night, I created alters to comply with sexual abuse. Did I say I was 3?! I have maybe five conscious snapshot moments of that trip. One was seeing the bunnies at the zoo. Another was the beautiful view of Kuchenhoff Gardens with rows of tulips as far as the eye could see. They were bands of color. Red tulips for acres, then yellow, and other colors followed.
Yesterday I found a pretty image of the gardens with windmills in the background that I thought I might use. When I began to collage, I went immediately to that image. What happened next I watched from the background as "collage person" went to work. The sea of red tulips became a blood bath. Alters covered in "tulips" emerged completely traumatized. A rabbit managed to get in there along with several who watched from above. When the collage was nearly done, I looked at it and was so repulsed by it but kept trying to add more horror elements which I kept deleting. Enough was enough. I got the message. It was horrific and unbearable.
I must have produced a cluster of alters both from the trauma and those that were meant to be produced. These new collages since my fusion match up to much sketchier collages from early healing. All I knew from that Holland trip was I was taken somewhere, sexual alters were created, and porn movies were made. Testing the new alters?
I'm not going to share the collage here. You can see it at my Polyvore page if you wish. I think it's too much to share openly. What I understand about yesterday's collage is the ones inside who remember have that horror of being enclosed in the carcass seared into the trauma memory. Yes, I was a very special child for my parents to have taken me on that trip for quality time.
The words are blurred but become legible if you click on it to enlarge. The vultures are speaking about a dead carcass and the "ad" at the top right speaks about a sheep's uterus. The lower portion of the collage is blatantly classical music and time which goes with conditioning. All intentional horror has a specific purpose in organized pedophilia.
Recently I read another description of the ceremony from a therapist whose survivor clients had recalled greater details. Basically, the young child is placed inside the body of a large dead animal. Since I have always been tiny, I would not be surprised if the animal of choice for me was a sheep even though some believe only specific animals are used. A sheep is not one of them which is why I don't rely on one definition for anything in this underworld.
The child is sewn inside the carcass for a period of time for horrific isolation. In one of the descriptions I read, the purpose was to create an alter to be the loyal cult alter. However in both my earlier collages of Holland and the one I completed last night, I created alters to comply with sexual abuse. Did I say I was 3?! I have maybe five conscious snapshot moments of that trip. One was seeing the bunnies at the zoo. Another was the beautiful view of Kuchenhoff Gardens with rows of tulips as far as the eye could see. They were bands of color. Red tulips for acres, then yellow, and other colors followed.
Yesterday I found a pretty image of the gardens with windmills in the background that I thought I might use. When I began to collage, I went immediately to that image. What happened next I watched from the background as "collage person" went to work. The sea of red tulips became a blood bath. Alters covered in "tulips" emerged completely traumatized. A rabbit managed to get in there along with several who watched from above. When the collage was nearly done, I looked at it and was so repulsed by it but kept trying to add more horror elements which I kept deleting. Enough was enough. I got the message. It was horrific and unbearable.
I must have produced a cluster of alters both from the trauma and those that were meant to be produced. These new collages since my fusion match up to much sketchier collages from early healing. All I knew from that Holland trip was I was taken somewhere, sexual alters were created, and porn movies were made. Testing the new alters?
I'm not going to share the collage here. You can see it at my Polyvore page if you wish. I think it's too much to share openly. What I understand about yesterday's collage is the ones inside who remember have that horror of being enclosed in the carcass seared into the trauma memory. Yes, I was a very special child for my parents to have taken me on that trip for quality time.
Jan 14, 2009
The Key
Am at collage 54 in 25 days. My therapist saw them today. We both agreed it was best to allow the driven process to continue because of such information overload. It has to come out somehow and this is safe. The survivor collaging group is growing nicely and the power that comes from the art is just stunning. With permission of the artist, I'm sharing this recent work with you. It's such a powerful statement of ones inside feeling trapped.
key by meshells
"Key" is the perfect title.
key by meshells
"Key" is the perfect title.
Jan 12, 2009
Art to deflect memory overload
I've been stuck in collage land for 23 days, with a total of 51 collages as of about 2 a.m. They are pouring out of me. I haven't been posting about it because it will be different for everyone--what they see. How they put things together. But I could already see I was using the same images or elements in several collages. I had them print out so I could move them around like a puzzle.
About three of them have similar words as well as the same littles. The word "obey" ties several into one memory. If I take another component and match all the collages with that, it's a different message. Whatever new brain connections are being made, it's happening fast and needs to get out. I would be overwhelmed with flashbacks or talking in the background if I didn't have this tool right now. You can see from my "production" level that my brain is bursting with new information.
Some is very sad. Some are answers I don't really want but suspected. At the rate I've been doing them, I would think it would be too much for someone to be THAT creative to make up this stuff and consistently relay the story of my past. I did something unusual today, or at least I thought it was. I showed my real life time line...each place I lived, the elementary school (I have no idea why I remember that), and something that went with that time in my life. Ballet and gymnastics went with my life from age 3 until 12. Gymnastics dominated my high school years.
Anyway, I have two real life collages depicting from birth through the Air Force after finally moving out of my house and away from my manipulative controlling father at age 19. The rest of my life is represented as a simple job behind a desk and my travels. Very neat collages. That was followed by one of my memories after the amnesia broke down and it looks like a mess. There are so many elements in it.
Memories by grace2244
Those two real life collages is what I thought my life was. Simple, boring, regular, neat, organized. I guess some of my rage at this happening to me is starting to show. Wonder how much longer I will need to get this new fusion stuff out. I miss doing my blog posts. Wanted to let you know what was going on. I think the puzzle aspect to the collages is really neat. They were not done in any particular order yet some of the later ones actually go with the earlier ones. Strange process.
Please remember there is now an Adult Survivors of Abuse group on Polyvore if you would like to try your hand at expressing yourself through collages. We have 11 members now. Hope to be back soon on a more regular basis.
About three of them have similar words as well as the same littles. The word "obey" ties several into one memory. If I take another component and match all the collages with that, it's a different message. Whatever new brain connections are being made, it's happening fast and needs to get out. I would be overwhelmed with flashbacks or talking in the background if I didn't have this tool right now. You can see from my "production" level that my brain is bursting with new information.
Some is very sad. Some are answers I don't really want but suspected. At the rate I've been doing them, I would think it would be too much for someone to be THAT creative to make up this stuff and consistently relay the story of my past. I did something unusual today, or at least I thought it was. I showed my real life time line...each place I lived, the elementary school (I have no idea why I remember that), and something that went with that time in my life. Ballet and gymnastics went with my life from age 3 until 12. Gymnastics dominated my high school years.
Anyway, I have two real life collages depicting from birth through the Air Force after finally moving out of my house and away from my manipulative controlling father at age 19. The rest of my life is represented as a simple job behind a desk and my travels. Very neat collages. That was followed by one of my memories after the amnesia broke down and it looks like a mess. There are so many elements in it.
Memories by grace2244
Those two real life collages is what I thought my life was. Simple, boring, regular, neat, organized. I guess some of my rage at this happening to me is starting to show. Wonder how much longer I will need to get this new fusion stuff out. I miss doing my blog posts. Wanted to let you know what was going on. I think the puzzle aspect to the collages is really neat. They were not done in any particular order yet some of the later ones actually go with the earlier ones. Strange process.
Please remember there is now an Adult Survivors of Abuse group on Polyvore if you would like to try your hand at expressing yourself through collages. We have 11 members now. Hope to be back soon on a more regular basis.
Dec 31, 2008
The power of art therapy
I've been sharing my own collages since my integration on the Art Journey blog. I've also started a group for Adult Survivors of Abuse to display their trauma/healing art. Am always amazed at the power of seeing the images...how much it says...how much I feel observing another's feelings shared in that manner. If you've been on Polyvore, some people are very sophisticated at creating art. Survivor art is about expression with as few or many pictures/words needed. It doesn't take much to express a feeling in art when it might be severely uncomfortable to express in words.
I wanted to share this recent entry for my group. It's simplicity screams the emotions. The artist is the author of the blog, Augusta Speaks.
Untitled by AugustaII
Art therapy is a great resource whether with cut out pictures from magazines, your own personal photos, hand drawn, anything with which you can be creative. Beware, Polyvore can be addictive.
FYI, I've found a great support group for Child Abuse Survivors. Feel free to check it out. Lovely people.
I wanted to share this recent entry for my group. It's simplicity screams the emotions. The artist is the author of the blog, Augusta Speaks.
Untitled by AugustaII
Art therapy is a great resource whether with cut out pictures from magazines, your own personal photos, hand drawn, anything with which you can be creative. Beware, Polyvore can be addictive.
FYI, I've found a great support group for Child Abuse Survivors. Feel free to check it out. Lovely people.
Dec 21, 2008
An artistic discovery
Today I was visiting one my favorite blogs, Clarity in the Mist, and found some amazing collages she created at Polyvore. I created an account but haven't had time to play with it yet. It's a way to make collages from images on the web. You can create or import text. And assemble the collages with the mouse and a few web tools instead of piles of magazines and tape and scissors. This is one of the works from Vague's sets (author of Clarity in the Mist).
hush by Vague
I'm for any creative outlet. I couldn't believe the many intricate, beautiful, and haunting collages. Made me want to jump in for hours and "play". Will have to do that another day. Wanted to let my readers know about this wonderful tool.
Thanks to Vague for introducing me to Polyvore.
hush by Vague
I'm for any creative outlet. I couldn't believe the many intricate, beautiful, and haunting collages. Made me want to jump in for hours and "play". Will have to do that another day. Wanted to let my readers know about this wonderful tool.
Thanks to Vague for introducing me to Polyvore.
Dec 18, 2008
Insiders disclose precise location
I'm at the point of jumping around to various topics for this blog. Actually, that's more in line with how "stuff" comes up in therapy. The art blog reflects the few images that identified a location for me (including the one shown to the left). It requires some explanation so am using this space for that purpose. A dual-blog post (?). Show and tell.
In my world of art therapy, the more images I had of a place or an alter or an external person, the more prominent it was in my subconscious life. Prominent could mean frequency or intensity of memory. With my military pedophile f*ther, I had memories of several military locations as well as mansions, museums, and other unusual places in my conscious "ordinary" world. My alters seem to know a very upscale wealthy world where consciously I feel extremely uncomfortable. Once I walked into the lobby of The Beverly Hills Hotel just to say I was there. It was so ornate I instantly felt like a pauper and glaringly out of place. Awful feeling. I digress.
Over and over I tore out pictures of building with double chimneys (two single chimneys but spaced a bit of a distance from each other). Then Walter Reed Army Hospital came up in images and internal messages only. No conscious memory. I had so many pictures I started a folder. Buildings with double chimneys, lots of horses, images of big drain pipes, and rollerblading (huh?). The internet became part of my world of answers. I found the photos of Walter Reed and an Annex that was in disarray featured by a group wanting funds to preserve the older part of the property. Strange pictures on that website. One of the annex buildings had two chimneys but I knew it wasn't "my" building. I didn't even know for sure the two chimney building went with Walter Reed. They just went into that file. In looking at the current hospital, nothing "rang a bell" but I did print out a picture of Fire Company #55 that was on the Walter Reed property. You'll see that in the art blog. A quick review: double chimney building, no specific known location but "someone" put it with Walter Reed, and a fire truck in front of the hospital with #55.
Synchronously, I met a woman (K) through my online survivor group who lived in DC. She invited me to join her for a tour of the Annex being given by the restoration society. K had conscious memories of abuse at the Annex and the records to prove it. Anytime a survivor visits a place of abuse, we walk a fine line. We risk totally freaking out but don't want to arouse suspicion by military guards or security in the area. My friend had few dissociated memories and was in control. I thought it would be nice to meet her and my then husband was agreeable to make the drive and wander about with us. The day of the visit I left my folder of images at home. I didn't even think to take a camera.
I met K at her home and met her lovely family. She drove us to the Annex. It was a lovely day to wander. We had much to speak about. She was the first survivor of similar abuse I'd met in person. She knew one building intimately...knowing how she had been brought there, what had been done to her, where it was done, and who had done it. While husband and I pretended to be oblivious, she snuck up the stairs evading the Marine guards and took photos of the door where she had been traumatized on the other side. We were so grateful she wasn't caught and we hadn't been thrown out. I'm the "invisible", "don't make waves" type. Or was. lol. Not true now with these blogs.
Nothing at the Annex set my radar off although I began to feel dizzy and slightly triggered. After we sufficiently wandered the Annex grounds, she offered to drive over to the hospital area. Why not? It was the weekend and she had to drive past three entrances as she went around the block to find the one entrance open that day--the entrance approaching the hospital from the rear.
One building blocked the view until she got past it. A large fence had a very visible sign warning of NO ROLLERBLADING. That was it. I went nuts. My eyes refocused from the sign close up to the double chimneys in the background. I switched to a babbling little pointing to the building. It wasn't a hospital building. Husband identified it as an incinerator building which caused little's screaming. As the car drove around the fenced off area of the hospital toward the incinerator building, I noticed very large metal piping (what I called drainage pipe in my images) around the top and sometimes down the side of the huge structure. I don't recall if it was explained as wastewater, but it was some type of waste being led away from the building. My clues were playing out before my eyes.
I also knew from the images that the building had a window that looked to be glass blocks. I actually like that kind of architectural feature. The closer we got to the incinerator building the more I became the blithering terrified little. I wasn't sure if I was freaking K out, but since she had children of her own, she had reassuring and calming words. The building indeed had a "window" of glass squares--light could get through but no one could see in or out. At the side of the building, a door was open with a small stairway. I won't disclose what I asked but obviously some horrid trauma took place with watching something being incinerated. K offered to take pictures of the building and send them to me. I was so focused on the building, dealing with flashbacks, and noticing what my body was doing and how I sounded, I saw nothing else.
After taking photos, K drove beyond the side of the building. My head stayed fixated on the chimneys and the detail. My images showed the detail of the "circles" that went around the chimneys from top to bottom. When I finally turned my head to face forward (with the hospital behind me), immediately to the left was Fire Station #55.
That experience proved to me that I would likely one day be able to validate the unknown locations of certain buildings or other landmarks through my clues. And there would always be a final validating clue. In other words, if that had been the third location I identified from my collages, I would have said, "I'll know for sure this is the place if there is a fire company #55." And that's the way the story of my life has unfolded since.
Note: It is documented that Walter Reed Army Hospital was the recipient of MK-Ultra funds for psychiatric experiments. It was also the site for many of the Department of Energy's Human Radiation Experiments.
Nov 28, 2008
New blog features art healing journey
Today another spoke was added to my wheel of blogs: The Art Journey of Grace. In going through one of my many boxes of images and collections of images and completed collages, I decided I'd like to share some of my images and collages with readers to explain how my system communicated much information to me.Unless I'm specifically asked, I plan to stay away from anything that is too graphical. Of course any survivor art is conveying trauma, although there is also a poignancy to the healing of dissociated selves, the internal nurturing and cooperation, and the resolution of those final missing pieces to a memory.
I've also added my turtle blog to my list of related blogs, now called Blogs by Grace. Hopefully it will be a fun place to visit for a change in mood after the intensity of healing from DID. And also a happy place for the littles to visit with links to fun turtle and Pleo videos.
My first blog entry to Art Journey is the first image of a little, Lucy. Coincidentally, my most recent post in the turtle blog features my tortoise Lucy. There is no connection of which I'm aware. In fact, my SO named her to go with our Pleos Linus and Schroeder. Guess it was time for me to crossover to my first blogging love, Nemo the Unturtle.
Nov 16, 2008
More on EMDR
I'd like to respond to two comments made on my previous post regarding EMDR. Working with EMDR and DID requires additional steps than the typical protocol which can quickly resolve current or past distress. The example given in the comment was a child with a great fear of shots and surrounding triggers such as the smell of alcohol. EMDR can be used to reduce and/or eliminate anxiety for phobias, among other issues, quite effectively.
If the therapist does not have the proper training which first teaches grounding skills to the survivor and is certain sufficient grounding skills exist to attempt EMDR, and other symptoms are controllable, only then should EMDR be tried. What was described in the comment sounds like an untrained therapist. Being certified in EMDR is not sufficient. It would be good to ask if the therapist is specifically trained to use EMDR with dissociation...and possibly how many other clients with DID has the therapist worked with using EMDR and the outcome. Understanding that some therapists may overstate their skill, the best thing to do is to stop the EMDR if it feels uncomfortable. You know best what is right for you. I know it is very difficult for survivors to be assertive. But you must assertive about what is being done to you and your body. If you are uncomfortable, you have the right to say so. You also have the right to say you will try it and see what it is like for you.
My suggestion is, as long as you have faith in the person leading you through it, allow for a complete session which gets to a resolution or a calming place to stop for later work. You don't want to stop when you are feeling distressed because EMDR is like a wave you ride. It begins with intense emotions and/or images in a controlled environment and takes you to a place of calm. If it feels too overwhelming to continue, say "Stop". The therapist should ask you to do a grounding exercise to take you back to a good place before continuing.
I was asked to describe what EMDR was like for me. Let's see if I can give a description. Each survivor is going to process information differently, so please hear this as my personal experience only. I was initially afraid of EMDR "doing something to my brain". But after my experience with drumming, that was no longer an issue. I understood it was a good thing. Engaging both sides of the brain is a good thing under normal circumstances.
I will first describe a conscious trauma I had that was resolved during my EMDR training--because we practiced on each other. Not knowing whether anything I chose might lead to the DID trauma, I was rather cautious but made the trainer aware of my concerns just in case. I had taken my own EMDR buzzers (tactile stimulation) with me since I don't like the eye movements. The incident I chose was something that had happened when I was 12 years old. Recalling the incident brought up huge feelings of embarrassment and betrayal and shame. I had been in the girls room where several other girls had gathered. I did not know my skirt was tucked up inside my undies. No one told me. I entered the school library and had walked halfway through when the librarian came up and helped me get everything in order. We all have those kinds of things in our past. Even singletons ;-O
Part of the protocol is to identify the most distressing moment of the event and to focus on that moment. Initially the emotions welled up as tears and streamed down my face. Following the direction of the therapist, I refocused as suggested until, in bringing up that most distressing moment, I no longer felt any distress. And it has remained that way since that one "practice session" during training. That's how simple EMDR can be.
With DID, there needs to be a very specific behavior or trigger that the survivor wishes to understand or change. The entire system can't be the target or it will wreak havoc as described in the one reader's comment. I had all my grounding skills and trusted my therapist to handle whatever response I might have. Later in my healing, when processing yuck memories became "same old, same old", I was able to say that I had a memory brewing that was interfering with my life and wanted EMDR to get the answers and get it over with. A neat thing about EMDR is you can be as comfortable as you want. My typical therapy session is lounging on the sofa with several pillows behind me and a quilt on me. I can hold the buzzers in my hands under or on top of the quilt.
Sometimes I only had a physical sensation like an aching in my gut or a twitch that I knew went with an alter. Whatever was "active" in the therapy session is what I knew was to be the starting place. So I would focus on the aching in my gut and my therapist would start the buzzers which give a short buzz in one hand and then the other, alternately at a regular speed and intensity of my choosing. While the protocol is for the therapist to ask questions of what is happening, someone with dissociation can have messages or images come out of nowhere. I usually just started describing what I was seeing, hearing, feeling, sometimes smelling. Fear almost always was/is the first emotion to rise and my therapist always knows what to say to alleviate fear of current safety and reassure the alter(s) having the memory that it was okay now to yell or scream or talk or move the body to resist...to allow my body to do whatever was needed.
My suggestion to my clients and what I did for me was internally to watch on the screen in the projector room (see earlier post). Sometimes there were very quick flashes of some trauma while other times it was if I were watching a scene from a movie. Often I was coached to fastforward through the yuck. The resolution, for me, was when I would get to the needed detail of yuck that the alter was holding so s/he could heal. Or to the message (lie) that the alter was still holding onto as the belief so my therapist could guide me through undoing it. EMDR wears me out. It wore my clients out whether they were dissociative or not. Engaging both sides of the mind apparently is exhausting. I had no ill effects except that I felt like an airhead for several hours after the session and learned not to go shopping when the brain was on EMDR. There was no balance of logic to counter emotional spending. lol.
Emotions come up and can be intense but also process quickly. The effectiveness really lies with the training and experience of the therapist. I had a great role model before I went to my own training. I hope this answered the issues addressed in the comments. Great questions!
Oct 28, 2008
Getting to know you
I've mentioned collages or art or cutting out pictures a number times. Some survivors use images very effectively to process memories even though much is not known consciously as to its meaning. It can be enormously helpful when memories surface and/or a new alter surfaces. Alters will choose pictures to identify themselves. It's an exercise in system cooperation as well. Go through magazines and grab any picture where you get a feeling that you must have the image. Don't worry if it doesn't make sense to you...such as an inanimate object or group of images. In going through magazines, alters will grab pictures that go with memories as well. I love that I had a visual identification for all of my alters.
Use unusual magazines like electronics, computer-related, art related. Communication Arts (at $53 a year) is a most valuable resource. I kept subscriptions for my clients to use. Often, entire collages were made of images from that magazine. Individual copies are available in news stores or bookstores, but one issue is probably about $18-$20. If you look through a copy in the store, you will see what I mean. Their photography annual and illustration annual are ripe with strange and bizarre images that go with stuff that can express the experience of having been abused by organized pedophiles. I would justify the cost of an annual subscription as less than the cost of one therapy session.
My hairdresser used to know I was in the waiting room because she could hear me "secretly" tearing photos out of her magazines. When you see a picture you need, you HAVE to have it. lol. You can always make note of the issue and get hold of one at the store. Sometimes libraries and doctors offices have old magazines they are happy to turn over. And don't forget the parenting magazines for baby and child pictures and a few teen magazines for teen alters. Greeting cards are more expensive now, but I found a number of littles on Anne Geddes cards and in the images of children done in black and white with a splash of color. I don't recall the photographer or artist.
Keep in mind that sometimes metaphor is used to portray a memory. So a particular item or animal may appear over and over throughout collages or pictures. When the time comes, your system will let you know the meaning. Everything in its own time. Today I was going through one of my binders of images and a picture of a rabbit is on the cover of one along with other images. These are the words written next to the rabbit which is a beautiful carving in stone:
"In many Native American traditions, the rabbit is a symbol of fear, yet an old story tells that rabbit used to be a great warrior. Use this...to help you conquer your fears. Let the rabbit remind you of where you have been (trapped in your fears) and know that, just like the rabbit, you have a Spiritual warrior hidden within, beneath your fears, waiting to help you claim a passionate new way of being."
Use unusual magazines like electronics, computer-related, art related. Communication Arts (at $53 a year) is a most valuable resource. I kept subscriptions for my clients to use. Often, entire collages were made of images from that magazine. Individual copies are available in news stores or bookstores, but one issue is probably about $18-$20. If you look through a copy in the store, you will see what I mean. Their photography annual and illustration annual are ripe with strange and bizarre images that go with stuff that can express the experience of having been abused by organized pedophiles. I would justify the cost of an annual subscription as less than the cost of one therapy session.
My hairdresser used to know I was in the waiting room because she could hear me "secretly" tearing photos out of her magazines. When you see a picture you need, you HAVE to have it. lol. You can always make note of the issue and get hold of one at the store. Sometimes libraries and doctors offices have old magazines they are happy to turn over. And don't forget the parenting magazines for baby and child pictures and a few teen magazines for teen alters. Greeting cards are more expensive now, but I found a number of littles on Anne Geddes cards and in the images of children done in black and white with a splash of color. I don't recall the photographer or artist.
Keep in mind that sometimes metaphor is used to portray a memory. So a particular item or animal may appear over and over throughout collages or pictures. When the time comes, your system will let you know the meaning. Everything in its own time. Today I was going through one of my binders of images and a picture of a rabbit is on the cover of one along with other images. These are the words written next to the rabbit which is a beautiful carving in stone:
"In many Native American traditions, the rabbit is a symbol of fear, yet an old story tells that rabbit used to be a great warrior. Use this...to help you conquer your fears. Let the rabbit remind you of where you have been (trapped in your fears) and know that, just like the rabbit, you have a Spiritual warrior hidden within, beneath your fears, waiting to help you claim a passionate new way of being."
Oct 11, 2008
The body remembers too
Body memories are weird, scary, freaky, fascinating and an important aspect of healing. While more and more therapists working with dissociation are aware of the need to work with body memories, most physicians, specialists, physical therapists...okay the whole medical community... are unaware and/or dismiss them. The good news is survivors know they exist. Two good resources to help survivors and therapists are The Body Remembers by Babette Rothschild and Trauma and the Body by Pat Ogden.
If you are not familiar with a body memory, it is when the body holds a piece or pieces of a trauma. Research has proven memory cells exist within the entirety of the body, not just the brain. However, as with all of recovery from DID, there is no simple explanation. What looks like a body memory may also be a fragmented self "living" in a specific area of the body. Or a fragmented self could be causing part of the body to move to convey a message or it could be a true body memory of trauma being released that's been stored since the original memory.
Body memories can be rather dramatic or as subtle as a twitch. The importance is on the survivor understanding that pain and/or movement might be re-enacted. And it is important for the therapist to understand this may happen to help the survivor release the trauma in a safe manner. I have read texts that encourage therapists not to allow body memories in the office. Ummm...it's not always a choice. Some therapists have the opinion that body memories are intentional drama by the survivor. As if survivors don't have enough to work through, they make things up?
Resolving a body issue can have truly dramatic impact. I had two long-term health/body issues resolve after working through a memory or experiencing a healing event. I'd had allergies since I was a teenager. Early in my memories, while in my mid-40s, I processed a memory having to do with feelings of suffocation as a very young child. I knew as soon as I processed that trauma that I would be free of those allergies in a few months when pollen season began. I was right. No hayfever since then. My nose was trying to expel the trauma through sneezing? It doesn't matter; allergies stopped.
I also had a sore lump on my left breast below my arm pit. It was monitored by mammograms since my late 30s. Before I turned 50, I came to know that a number of alters "lived" in the vicinity of my heart. I felt them integrate after processing a memory. It was actually painful as they passed through the heart muscle but a relief at the same time. The lump in my breast was gone at the time of my next mammogram and hasn't returned.
My question to the medical community is why they don't understand about the impact on the body of child abuse both physically and mentally. Or why don't they check for a history of known child abuse for their patients? And how many survivors are taking drugs for something that needs to be processed psychologically to resolve? I took allergy shots for over 20 years and they only ever seemed to make the allergies worse. This would be where the doctor would say "it's all in your head". If a survivor is aware of his or her DID-ness (?), that is a physical issue that could be targeted in therapy.
I do know this is difficult to grasp even for survivors. Many suffer from multiple physical conditions, many of which can be or must be relieved through medications or surgeries. For survivors going through the healing journey, just as you tune into your internal world, you can learn to tune into your body. Wonder "what else could this be" if your body develops something "out of the blue". Often I would have some strange body twitch or pain begin as I entered my therapy session. I came to know that was where to begin for that day.
Body work is helpful even for those not holding onto trauma memories. I've had clients mention a recent headache or pain somewhere in the body. I'd ask, "If your knee could speak, what would it be saying to you right now?" The strangest answers would come out more like free association which always got to some issue right away. No one can tell you what anything in your body means except you. No one on the outside can translate. As much as survivors hate the phrase, "Ask inside," that is how you will know.
Under the category of possible too much info, I'm going to share a body memory I would not have believed could happen to anyone, let alone me. It was huge validation in an extraordinary way. I think I already spoke of a memory with ants. I also had memories with other creatures to include spiders. About a year after the memory surfaced about being enclosed with ants on me, I woke up with big red blotches all over my body. Since I lived pretty much isolated from the outside world, I knew it had to be a memory. And it itched to the point of pain. Always having my internal guide, I used the internet to research insect bites and found my welts identical to army ant bites. I hadn't made the connection that the ants in my collaged memory were "army ants", but on words taped to the collage it said "an army of ants".
A few weeks after that outbreak, a different type of bite covered my body. I have photos of this stuff but any naysayer would just say I did it intentionally, I'm sure. Like people would choose to have insects bite them all over. Anyway, the second round was fire ants. Very distinctive bite. And another couple weeks of constant itching and flare ups. Finally, I broke out in what appeared to be a bull's eye target. It goes with a spider. I think it's from a black widow which isn't poisonous. But a child can get sick from being bitten so many times. Shortly after I began to publish this blog, the ant bites surfaced just on my left leg, hip and lower back. Nothing on my right side. Leftover reminder of telling? Or possibly still fearful littles remembering what happened when we told at age 5. Definitely bizarre. Definitely validation. The body does remember.
If you are not familiar with a body memory, it is when the body holds a piece or pieces of a trauma. Research has proven memory cells exist within the entirety of the body, not just the brain. However, as with all of recovery from DID, there is no simple explanation. What looks like a body memory may also be a fragmented self "living" in a specific area of the body. Or a fragmented self could be causing part of the body to move to convey a message or it could be a true body memory of trauma being released that's been stored since the original memory.
Body memories can be rather dramatic or as subtle as a twitch. The importance is on the survivor understanding that pain and/or movement might be re-enacted. And it is important for the therapist to understand this may happen to help the survivor release the trauma in a safe manner. I have read texts that encourage therapists not to allow body memories in the office. Ummm...it's not always a choice. Some therapists have the opinion that body memories are intentional drama by the survivor. As if survivors don't have enough to work through, they make things up?
Resolving a body issue can have truly dramatic impact. I had two long-term health/body issues resolve after working through a memory or experiencing a healing event. I'd had allergies since I was a teenager. Early in my memories, while in my mid-40s, I processed a memory having to do with feelings of suffocation as a very young child. I knew as soon as I processed that trauma that I would be free of those allergies in a few months when pollen season began. I was right. No hayfever since then. My nose was trying to expel the trauma through sneezing? It doesn't matter; allergies stopped.
I also had a sore lump on my left breast below my arm pit. It was monitored by mammograms since my late 30s. Before I turned 50, I came to know that a number of alters "lived" in the vicinity of my heart. I felt them integrate after processing a memory. It was actually painful as they passed through the heart muscle but a relief at the same time. The lump in my breast was gone at the time of my next mammogram and hasn't returned.
My question to the medical community is why they don't understand about the impact on the body of child abuse both physically and mentally. Or why don't they check for a history of known child abuse for their patients? And how many survivors are taking drugs for something that needs to be processed psychologically to resolve? I took allergy shots for over 20 years and they only ever seemed to make the allergies worse. This would be where the doctor would say "it's all in your head". If a survivor is aware of his or her DID-ness (?), that is a physical issue that could be targeted in therapy.
I do know this is difficult to grasp even for survivors. Many suffer from multiple physical conditions, many of which can be or must be relieved through medications or surgeries. For survivors going through the healing journey, just as you tune into your internal world, you can learn to tune into your body. Wonder "what else could this be" if your body develops something "out of the blue". Often I would have some strange body twitch or pain begin as I entered my therapy session. I came to know that was where to begin for that day.
Body work is helpful even for those not holding onto trauma memories. I've had clients mention a recent headache or pain somewhere in the body. I'd ask, "If your knee could speak, what would it be saying to you right now?" The strangest answers would come out more like free association which always got to some issue right away. No one can tell you what anything in your body means except you. No one on the outside can translate. As much as survivors hate the phrase, "Ask inside," that is how you will know.
Under the category of possible too much info, I'm going to share a body memory I would not have believed could happen to anyone, let alone me. It was huge validation in an extraordinary way. I think I already spoke of a memory with ants. I also had memories with other creatures to include spiders. About a year after the memory surfaced about being enclosed with ants on me, I woke up with big red blotches all over my body. Since I lived pretty much isolated from the outside world, I knew it had to be a memory. And it itched to the point of pain. Always having my internal guide, I used the internet to research insect bites and found my welts identical to army ant bites. I hadn't made the connection that the ants in my collaged memory were "army ants", but on words taped to the collage it said "an army of ants".
A few weeks after that outbreak, a different type of bite covered my body. I have photos of this stuff but any naysayer would just say I did it intentionally, I'm sure. Like people would choose to have insects bite them all over. Anyway, the second round was fire ants. Very distinctive bite. And another couple weeks of constant itching and flare ups. Finally, I broke out in what appeared to be a bull's eye target. It goes with a spider. I think it's from a black widow which isn't poisonous. But a child can get sick from being bitten so many times. Shortly after I began to publish this blog, the ant bites surfaced just on my left leg, hip and lower back. Nothing on my right side. Leftover reminder of telling? Or possibly still fearful littles remembering what happened when we told at age 5. Definitely bizarre. Definitely validation. The body does remember.
Sep 18, 2008
The devil IS the disguise
Regardless of which letters have tended to identify a survivor, their memories often overlap each other. In other words, many who have remembered the trauma of ritualistic ceremonies have also recalled the same people being in a party or "auction" or kiddie porn setting. Kinda puts a different twist on the charade, doesn't it? Survivors of what might be described as abuse in a military/government and hospital environment, also include the masks and devils, as well as the kiddie porn and other reprehensible activities.
It may take years to have the complete memory to understand the layers but eventually answers come, to include the charade. Survivors have the capacity to "see" when they were tricked. A term used among survivors is "screen memory". The "screen" is when the organized pedophiles intentionally provided the initial "extreme horrific trauma" scenario in hopes it would cover what they are really doing. Perhaps it was a kiddie porn shoot but hidden beneath a layer of something heinous--the layer that would likely first surface and the survivor would be dismissed as preposterous.
Another type of layering is when an alter believes someone was killed in a despicable manner while another self state may see the charade. Usually a little is called out to witness the horror, real or made-to-appear-real because the little's terror and belief will help disguise whatever the next level is. Here is a series of a survivor's collages showing the same memory stripped down to the charade. We don't have to know what everything means. The common element appears to be someone's heart was isolated from the body.
This would be the horror as seen through images recalled by a child self.
The next layer strips away the scary ceremony and seems more clinical although the placement of the man as upside down indicates something awry.
What's important on the next collage is the image in the upper right. It may be difficult to see in this format, although you can click on it to make it larger. The hand fallen down to the right is hiding what appears to be an IV showing he is not dead. No hearts were harmed in the making of this memory? The survivor's memory is clear that she is being shown the death was "smoke and mirrors".
What does this mean? It means it all goes together. At the highest level of sophisticated pedophile, the elements of all the other lettered survivors are included. The pedophiles are the masked "satanic cult" are the doctors are the soldiers and officers of military bases and whatever else is remembered as frozen in trauma by the victims. No one could make this stuff up--and be consistent with what survivors around the world recall.
Because of the nature of dissociated memories, it is impossible to know exactly what happened because it comes up like a puzzle and each puzzle piece may go with the same puzzle or may go with completely different puzzles. This is what I view as a safety mechanism for healing. If an entire horrific memory were remembered all at once, it might be "too much". Whatever is missing is never something a non-perverted human could ever figure out logically. So that first memory of someone being killed is definitely horrid to remember and to process. It's also possible that down the road, trickery may be revealed.
This is not false memories. This is remembering all the tricks used to deceive the victims. Survivors who remember the entirety of the charade are hoping the perps never anticipated our minds could do that. It might be several decades since the abuse occurred, but it is exactly what is still going on today.
It may take years to have the complete memory to understand the layers but eventually answers come, to include the charade. Survivors have the capacity to "see" when they were tricked. A term used among survivors is "screen memory". The "screen" is when the organized pedophiles intentionally provided the initial "extreme horrific trauma" scenario in hopes it would cover what they are really doing. Perhaps it was a kiddie porn shoot but hidden beneath a layer of something heinous--the layer that would likely first surface and the survivor would be dismissed as preposterous.
Another type of layering is when an alter believes someone was killed in a despicable manner while another self state may see the charade. Usually a little is called out to witness the horror, real or made-to-appear-real because the little's terror and belief will help disguise whatever the next level is. Here is a series of a survivor's collages showing the same memory stripped down to the charade. We don't have to know what everything means. The common element appears to be someone's heart was isolated from the body.
This would be the horror as seen through images recalled by a child self.
The next layer strips away the scary ceremony and seems more clinical although the placement of the man as upside down indicates something awry.
What's important on the next collage is the image in the upper right. It may be difficult to see in this format, although you can click on it to make it larger. The hand fallen down to the right is hiding what appears to be an IV showing he is not dead. No hearts were harmed in the making of this memory? The survivor's memory is clear that she is being shown the death was "smoke and mirrors".
What does this mean? It means it all goes together. At the highest level of sophisticated pedophile, the elements of all the other lettered survivors are included. The pedophiles are the masked "satanic cult" are the doctors are the soldiers and officers of military bases and whatever else is remembered as frozen in trauma by the victims. No one could make this stuff up--and be consistent with what survivors around the world recall.
Because of the nature of dissociated memories, it is impossible to know exactly what happened because it comes up like a puzzle and each puzzle piece may go with the same puzzle or may go with completely different puzzles. This is what I view as a safety mechanism for healing. If an entire horrific memory were remembered all at once, it might be "too much". Whatever is missing is never something a non-perverted human could ever figure out logically. So that first memory of someone being killed is definitely horrid to remember and to process. It's also possible that down the road, trickery may be revealed.
This is not false memories. This is remembering all the tricks used to deceive the victims. Survivors who remember the entirety of the charade are hoping the perps never anticipated our minds could do that. It might be several decades since the abuse occurred, but it is exactly what is still going on today.
Sep 15, 2008
The telling from inside
We all hear voices. I know this because the majority of my clients were not trauma survivors. They had issues. Any therapist who works with DID needs to find a balance of trauma work and less intense work. It was my experience that any client willing to enter the domain of their mind and engage in imagery or do "ego state" work, would likely get to their issues more quickly and heal more quickly. Most people can grasp the parent, adult, child selves. I spoke earlier about mother, daughter, sister, wife roles. So we all have parts. It's normal. It's good.
You might not categorize what you hear inside as "hearing voices" but they are there. When you reach for that second piece of cheesecake, you might hear "You know you're going to have to pay for that" or some other critical message. You might also hear "Go ahead. You deserve it. You haven't treated yourself in awhile." You might categorize that as a thought. Either way, it's a message you "hear".
In the medical and psychiatric community, anyone admitting to voices was likely diagnosed as schizophrenic. While there are some similarities, a main difference is someone with schizophrenia will describe voices outside of the self telling him to do something (from the television, from aliens, from demonic voices).
An objective of therapy is to change the messages to something positive and supportive--not to get rid of the messages.
Anyone with DID is likely to describe her experience using different words. Those of us who have had that moment when the first horrific memory leaks through is beyond description. As depicted in one of the collages, "It sucks". It's like falling into a black hole. "It feels like my head is going to explode". Dizziness may overwhelm the person.
Responses to knowing there are other aspects of the self inside vary from terrified to feelings of reassurance. Many have initially described "a lot of noise" inside. For someone with DID, hearing a voice is good. It means a self state is crossing over into consciousness. Healing can't occur until a trauma becomes conscious. Trauma becomes known to the healing host when it is conveyed by one or more self states who experienced the trauma. The message may come from telling of the trauma, writing the trauma, conveying the trauma internally on a "movie screen" (less intrusive than a flashback), through art (real or metaphorical images), flashbacks (which appear as a "real" moment of trauma happening in the mind) where one or more senses engaged in the original trauma might re-enact images, pain, and/or position of the body as well as the emotions including terror. Flashbacks are intense.
All of my abuse feels like it was told to me by someone else. It has never felt "first person". I've had validation for some important information to know that at least some elements were true. I can never know how much was real or a very well orchestrated environment to make it appear certain things happened. Whatever happened--and something happened or a trauma would not have been stored--needs to heal. The self states who recall a trauma may come together to relay the memory or the host might receive the same memory from several parts at different times on the healing journey. The images shared in this post are two views of the same memory by alters of different ages.
Because of the fear to tell, sometimes drawing or collaging can feel less intimidating to the self states, all of whom were constantly threatened if they ever told. An advantage to art is it provides an outlet for the self states to process memories that the host may never need to know. She just sees images that have no meaning or may come to have meaning further down the healing path. The mind is incredible when it comes to watching how others have the capacity to heal. Several of the excellent survivor blogs I follow present art therapy. It's a wonderful tool. Art is telling in a different way.
This is such a complex topic and the purpose of this blog is to simplify the complex so readers can get a good feeling without all the details. Know that an objective of healing is for the host to embrace that she is multiple and work with her selves, as they become known, to heal. Are there scary insiders? Yes. But they all have the capacity to heal. And often the scariest parts turn out to be a very young scared child "made to be" mean or scary. They are so relieved to be rescued.
It's rare that a healing survivor does not discover protectors. Protectors can be a stabilizing, reassuring voice throughout the healing journey and beyond. Protectors come in various states of being, at various ages, with various jobs. Some might encompass very loving and nurturing traits much needed by littles who have never known safety in the outside world. Some may become internal friends to the healing adult. I often describe the major part of healing as becoming very internal. The survivor may well withdraw from her external world except for therapy and other support or responsibilities such as wife and mother.
On the far side of healing, either the host makes a natural transition back to the outside world or, in my case, protectors push you out because it's no longer healthy to be inside as much. Healing from DID is similar to watching a flower bloom. The host opens one petal at a time and learns how to maintain growth and nurturing and self care to continue blooming. It's an arduous process. Having those internal friends is a blessing. Knowing those selves protected us from the horrors is difficult for most to imagine. It allows for an element of internal trust to guide the healing when the survivor is not knowing who in the external world is trustworthy. It is for those with DID who have been so shattered that they constantly fear what is happening inside in addition to not trusting the outside world that self harm thoughts and attempts are increased and healing becomes extremely challenging.
People with DID grow up being silenced in every possible way. How tragic they awake to a world that continues to silence the truth and treats them so cruelly. Ignorance is not bliss for the world. Please open your minds to all of the voices trying to speak the truth.
You might not categorize what you hear inside as "hearing voices" but they are there. When you reach for that second piece of cheesecake, you might hear "You know you're going to have to pay for that" or some other critical message. You might also hear "Go ahead. You deserve it. You haven't treated yourself in awhile." You might categorize that as a thought. Either way, it's a message you "hear".
In the medical and psychiatric community, anyone admitting to voices was likely diagnosed as schizophrenic. While there are some similarities, a main difference is someone with schizophrenia will describe voices outside of the self telling him to do something (from the television, from aliens, from demonic voices).
An objective of therapy is to change the messages to something positive and supportive--not to get rid of the messages.
Anyone with DID is likely to describe her experience using different words. Those of us who have had that moment when the first horrific memory leaks through is beyond description. As depicted in one of the collages, "It sucks". It's like falling into a black hole. "It feels like my head is going to explode". Dizziness may overwhelm the person.
Responses to knowing there are other aspects of the self inside vary from terrified to feelings of reassurance. Many have initially described "a lot of noise" inside. For someone with DID, hearing a voice is good. It means a self state is crossing over into consciousness. Healing can't occur until a trauma becomes conscious. Trauma becomes known to the healing host when it is conveyed by one or more self states who experienced the trauma. The message may come from telling of the trauma, writing the trauma, conveying the trauma internally on a "movie screen" (less intrusive than a flashback), through art (real or metaphorical images), flashbacks (which appear as a "real" moment of trauma happening in the mind) where one or more senses engaged in the original trauma might re-enact images, pain, and/or position of the body as well as the emotions including terror. Flashbacks are intense.
All of my abuse feels like it was told to me by someone else. It has never felt "first person". I've had validation for some important information to know that at least some elements were true. I can never know how much was real or a very well orchestrated environment to make it appear certain things happened. Whatever happened--and something happened or a trauma would not have been stored--needs to heal. The self states who recall a trauma may come together to relay the memory or the host might receive the same memory from several parts at different times on the healing journey. The images shared in this post are two views of the same memory by alters of different ages.
Because of the fear to tell, sometimes drawing or collaging can feel less intimidating to the self states, all of whom were constantly threatened if they ever told. An advantage to art is it provides an outlet for the self states to process memories that the host may never need to know. She just sees images that have no meaning or may come to have meaning further down the healing path. The mind is incredible when it comes to watching how others have the capacity to heal. Several of the excellent survivor blogs I follow present art therapy. It's a wonderful tool. Art is telling in a different way.
This is such a complex topic and the purpose of this blog is to simplify the complex so readers can get a good feeling without all the details. Know that an objective of healing is for the host to embrace that she is multiple and work with her selves, as they become known, to heal. Are there scary insiders? Yes. But they all have the capacity to heal. And often the scariest parts turn out to be a very young scared child "made to be" mean or scary. They are so relieved to be rescued.
It's rare that a healing survivor does not discover protectors. Protectors can be a stabilizing, reassuring voice throughout the healing journey and beyond. Protectors come in various states of being, at various ages, with various jobs. Some might encompass very loving and nurturing traits much needed by littles who have never known safety in the outside world. Some may become internal friends to the healing adult. I often describe the major part of healing as becoming very internal. The survivor may well withdraw from her external world except for therapy and other support or responsibilities such as wife and mother.
On the far side of healing, either the host makes a natural transition back to the outside world or, in my case, protectors push you out because it's no longer healthy to be inside as much. Healing from DID is similar to watching a flower bloom. The host opens one petal at a time and learns how to maintain growth and nurturing and self care to continue blooming. It's an arduous process. Having those internal friends is a blessing. Knowing those selves protected us from the horrors is difficult for most to imagine. It allows for an element of internal trust to guide the healing when the survivor is not knowing who in the external world is trustworthy. It is for those with DID who have been so shattered that they constantly fear what is happening inside in addition to not trusting the outside world that self harm thoughts and attempts are increased and healing becomes extremely challenging.
People with DID grow up being silenced in every possible way. How tragic they awake to a world that continues to silence the truth and treats them so cruelly. Ignorance is not bliss for the world. Please open your minds to all of the voices trying to speak the truth.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)