Yesterday my therapist began work by addressing the internal protagonist. She kept reminding me it was not Jose M. R. Delgado but a part of me made to take on his likeness. The session ended with that part contemplating his fate...to maintain the loyalty through fear of the past or to allow for healing. When I got home I did one Polyvore set after another processing all that was coming up. Eventually I got to the one who was behind the Delgado mask. He was a tortured teen/young man indentured to Delgado.
Just prior to my session I had shown a girl imprisoned. Apparently she represented the trauma bond to Delgado.
After processing Delgado fear and abuse with many sets, I was able to show the young girl as free although she is very confused about what to do with her freedom. My last set showed her contemplating in solitude by the sea. I am sure she will heal with the help of insiders.
Not long ago I was in a trauma center terrified of my own body. Because of a recent integration, I no longer feel that level of fear. But working with an internalized abuser is rather daunting. Seeing the mask come off to reveal a tortured teen made it easier for me to want this wounded part of me to heal. Clearly he was not doing his job willingly.
Only time will tell if the programming broke. It's impossible to know about back up programming until it turns up. This is the third level of programming I've undone connected to Delgado since my father's death. I can only hope.
I would like to reclaim my life from this point forward, understanding there is still work to do. I have doctor appointments to help me fix what can be fixed of my body to return my quality of life to be more active. It's difficult to believe I'm still doing this much work when I started in 1997. It really is nearly a life sentence to undo the damage. The good news is I still have hope. I'm still evolving into the person who I can be at this time in my life. I know other survivors can too if they keep moving forward. There are times when moving forward was clawing on my hands and knees. I hated what they did to me. But we can't let them win.
We have to live to tell our stories. And we have to keep telling our stories until enough people believe who can help stop it for future generations. Delgado is alive and in his 80s. The world will be better off when he is gone. I hope I will finally have complete peace inside when that happens.
4 comments:
Grace,
Your courage and willingness to share your story gives me courage to keep moving forward in my own journey toward healing and yes sometimes it feels like "clawing on my hands and knees"
I really appreciate you.
Sunny
Sunny, Thank you so much for your most welcome and kind comments. I've crawled more than I care to say through this journey but good things happen in my life even when it's so difficult inside me. I hope you continue to find the hope too.
I completely agree with Sunny.
Your courage is amazing. You should be proud of yourself, I know I am. In your articles there's so much passion and intellect. I'm drawn to keep reading!
I recently started my own blog in which I write about my journal to recovery from Childhood Abuse. Would you like to add me to your blogroll? I already add yours.
If you want to, you can add it as follows:
Name: Journal of a Childhood Abuse Survivor, link: http://prozacblogger.com.
Thank you for sharing your stories and I wish you all the strength in the world on your journey.
Sincerely,
- Prozacblogger
Dear Prozacblogger, Thank you for your very kind comments. I will add you to my blogroll. Am glad you find my blog helpful!
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