Going into the sadness

Sometimes I'm unsure where to post. If I think it will be helpful particularly to healing survivors, I post here. If it's a vent or opinion, it goes to Grace Uncensored. It's not always clearcut, especially where my own healing journey is involved. I decided my experience today might benefit those in the healing process.

I've been very stuck in a deep depression which didn't lift even when I experienced reintegration of three parts who surfaced to give me trauma details of a memory. Because I'm trained in EMDR, I sometimes have done self-EMDR. Mostly, I forget that I can do that. When I had my office, the EMDR buzzers were always there. Now that I am temporarily disabled, the buzzers are home with me. I've been napping each day which also goes with depression. Having been so miserable yesterday and not feeling relieved today, I remembered to grab the EMDR at naptime.

I was a little reluctant because I really didn't want to have to deal with further trauma details on my own. And I hadn't noticed the "pocket of sadness" behind my left lower rib cage that became palpable during my therapy session about two weeks ago. Yet when I began the alternating buzzers and focused on my sadness, I felt a smaller pocket that remained. My thinking process was that all that was sad did not reintegrate. My sense was that one of the two littles had stayed behind believing it was her job to always feel the pain. I was able to provide the reassuring messages that it was very okay for her to not feel the pain any longer and there were other littles waiting for her to join them.

The physical sensation followed the path of the others and moved up around the area of my heart. I remained relaxed and fell asleep. Since my nap, I don't feel as depressed so have provided much needed relief. I have vowed to do that each day until I see my therapist again to better manage the depression.

While most are not able to do EMDR on their own, my point is that usually there is a reason if we are feeling THAT badly. And when we feel THAT badly, it's difficult to think clearly. I thought the parts had healed. After today, I can say that I healed more but am not certain all has healed. It's always good to ask, "What else could this be?" You don't need EMDR to get answers. You can get answers with talk therapy. Realizing that you are experiencing something beyond what is "normal" is always a good target for therapy.

It is uncanny how whatever a survivor begins to talk about in therapy, whether it seems related or not, is exactly what needs to be discussed. I had clients who have had cold hands, or a ringing in the ear, or an itchy nose when asked what was most on their mind. And that symptom was usually an alter needing to be heard or represented an issue that needed attention.

We survivors easily forget...everything. Maybe a fun bulletin board of reminder messages to stare at when we are at wits end? I know...then we forget about the bulletin board until we see it again... It's worth a try though.