Undoing a known trigger

One of my most intrusive PTSD symptoms is dropping something or almost dropping something. The trigger is feeling the loss of control in my hand as opposed to any value of the object. Yesterday I started working on undoing the very loud startle scream that ensues. I wasn't sure it would work in a controlled setting. But it worked enough.

My recent memory processing has involved three previously integrated alters who were connected to each other. One of the three had the dropping trigger. The therapist spoke through to the little. I was completely co-conscious but felt the little's control in my hand. We worked with small objects of different textures. I was supposed to just let the first object fall out of my hand but my fingers weren't about to let go. T held something in her hand while talking and suddenly let it fall. She heard the scream. lol. At least it was okay there.

I managed to let several things fall to the ground but felt my chest tighten up each time it hit. Every time the object fell, t would say "That's okay". The little spoke a few times and I just let her be out. I was exhausted at the end of the session.

When I returned home, it wasn't five minutes before I knocked something over. BB (my SO) quickly came over to pick it up. "It's okay," said the little. I swear she was practicing knocking things over. Within about ten minutes, she had told BB, "That's okay" in the same sweet little girl voice. For now, I would much rather have a little girl voice for a few seconds than the startle scream. Something good happened. And that was only within a few hours of working on the trigger.

Next trigger to work on (when the opportunity arises) will be the startle scream that comes when I'm a passenger in a car and the driver suddenly goes to hit the brakes. I don't even have to have my eyes open; I can be looking out the side window. Somehow I sense when the foot leaves the gas pedal to hit the brake. Heaven only knows where the PTSD came from. The feeling is "I'm going to die!" Often it is just BB slowing down to avoid something up ahead. The internal screen showed me a car sitting still with a screen in front of it (similar to how they made "moving car" scenes in old movies. Am guessing from that bit of information that either in a terror state and/or slightly drugged state, I thought we were moving and when the driver hit the brake, it looked like a truck or car was going to crash right into me. Guess it doesn't matter what happened. I can undo it. That will be a little tricky. Will need to go with BB to empty parking lot. Not sure who inside goes with that though.