For survivors of intentional DID, as well as others with sophisticated abusers, October 31st having passed announces the beginning of the rest of the year to get through. It is not a time of joy and excitement now or ever. Some have succeeded in creating new memories and traditions. I don't know if the background "noise" of what used to happen is ever completely resolved. It can be reduced significantly.
Just before this past holiday came to be, the Christmas decorations began to appear in stores. It used to be that didn't happen until Thanksgiving. Survivors have to bear an even longer period of coping. That's what October 31st to January 2nd is for survivors...coping...trying to cope. I personally don't have anything specifically that has come up related to Thanksgiving except that it is a time when expected to be with family. And I know now my family was never safe. Maybe I'll be spared a specific Thanksgiving memory.
Christmas is another matter. I'd be happy never to have presents to open or a tree. Even though I made a new tradition and I love the tree we share (my SO and me), it is overwhelming to think of preparing the tree and taking it down later. It's too sad to take down. Christmas Day is sad. The day after Christmas is depressing. I engage in comforting activities to respect the internal grief.
Organized pedophiles ensure "joy" is killed. Presents (things in boxes with ribbons) become reminders of trauma. I've mentioned before how gift bags were the best invention. I can see there's nothing scary inside. That creates crossover for any holiday with presents. Huge triggers for a box with a ribbon. If you are able to shift into the mindset I've described for a pedophile, you can imagine the horror of Valentine's Day. Is it real or Memorex? It doesn't matter. Whatever was in the box appeared real to a little and that terror and horror became ingrained into our being.
Am having to decide what to do this year. Too tired to put up a tree and the special decorations for the tree. Too tired to think about taking them down. If SO wants to do that, I'm happy to have it in my home. He has made the holidays special for me and also understands the underlying battle. Being safe does make a difference. I can enjoy being around his family and watching them enjoy the holidays. Maybe one day I will feel connected to that joy. I have to say last year was exceptionally special when I was given a pink computer and matching pink mouse. Definitely a good surprise. And the added gift of a camcorder was overwhelming. Those gifts allowed me to create the videos and blogs to share with the world. I pray the world is listening to the harm so many children suffer...the children leaving the womb into a world of terror. No one ever sees. No one wants to see. We need to want to see.
Please vote tomorrow.
2 comments:
Your videos are amazing, although sometimes I'm too shaky to finish watching them the first time or two I try. You do incredible work with this whole blog.
There are so many things you mention that are familiar to me, including the misery of the holiday months. I hate having a camera pointed at me, the flash, the click... it makes me ill. I hate gift boxes, family get togethers, parties. I cut off my family years ago and avoid social gatherings altogether. Call me the Grinchette. I'm terrified of xmas :(
I don't think my abusers (grandfather and his drinking buddies) were as organized or as sophisticated as those you describe. They managed to do enough damage anyway. Sometimes I think it never ends.
Thank you for your kind comments about my blogs and videos. All child abuse is so very damaging in many respects. I'm focused on the greater organized evil but, as you said, one abuser is all it takes to eff up a person's life :-( Sometimes it definitely feels like it never ends. Somedays can be okay though. That's something that wasn't an option before.
All this unraveling. As if life weren't already tough enough. For the first time in my healing/healed years, am feeling hopeful for societal change. A nation with something to believe in. It's too late for us but not for new survivors who come into conscious memory for their pasts.
Post a Comment