The following lyrics are the first verse from Out of Reach sung by Matthew Perryman Jones:
you're always bound to fall
there's nothin you can do
the weight of gravity begins
to pull you down again
so what are you to do now?
stuck between the hope and doubt
you get so close to clarity
makes you question everything
More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmania.com/out_of_reach_lyrics_matthew_perryman_jones.html
All about Matthew Perryman+Jones: http://www.musictory.com/music/Matthew+Perryman+Jones
These lyrics touch me on such a deep level. Since the loosening of my integration in 2008, I've been on a journey to reclaim the clarity on the other side of the dissociative fog. I now see my world clearly again. Not that I don't have dissociative moments or some still loosely integrated alters, but I see.
I fully awoke to a world where Egypt was having an uprising, albeit for the better; Libya in turmoil, the political factions of the U.S. starkly divided; and a world where the government's goals of 1947 have basically been achieved. It is overwhelming. The concept of life without dissociation as a protective shield is overwhelming. The word "life" is not something familiar to me. My perspective of life is massive, encompassing the world and all going on within it. Clarity suddenly seemed like a nightmare rather than a goal.
A dear friend uses the world life when I use the words "healing journey". I know how to heal; I don't know how to live. She wrote me the best words of wisdom to embrace this new life of clarity. Everything goes back to baby steps. Small movements forward. Breathing, putting one foot in front of the other, doing what I can or doing what I simply want...including nothing. It's all living. I can do that. I can accept that. Rather than take in the whole world at once, I need to go back to filtering to what I can handle.
My take on the world is vastly different than someone without my past, particularly the government aspect. My own government. Clarity also brings the enormity of that covert program into my processing of world events. I realize my truth impacts very few people outside the scope of that abuse. We survivors of that era find each other and provide the support most of the rest of the world prefers to ignore out of ignorance, lack of time, or need to preserve the secrecy.
I'm 58 and only now am seeing the big picture of what happened to me...the goal of the program. But I'm alive and now I have to learn how to live. Am still lacking in complete brain connections but have never lacked critical thinking skills. I just haven't always had the clarity to see all of the issues.
I view myself as a mostly healed survivor of DID and fear my role as having been part of a covert program that hurt many. Difficult juggling of emotions. But I'm here. I'm mostly clear. And I hope my life continues with deeper healing and understanding. Mostly, I hope to learn to embrace this new clarity and allow the goodness of it to enhance the rest of my years.
Feb 27, 2011
Feb 13, 2011
When An Abuser Dies
I am certain every survivor will deal with this issue in their own unique way, hopefully with the help and support of friends and therapist. Those with "structured" or sophisticated DID almost always have multiple perpetrators throughout life. Although one child who developed DID from one abusive relative, may also have several abusers throughout life. Perpetrators have a knack for targeting the vulnerable.
When the main abuser(s) are still alive, depending on the level of contact the victim has maintained with them, they may not recall the abuse until after the death. Several times I have known people who did not begin remembering until the death of both parents.
My first memory was father abuse and later came the covert government and military ties along with abusers who were also the original scientists and government figures who were involved in MK-Ultra. I knew who most of my abusers/programmers were. They were the same. The doctors, scientists, and government people were also either pedophiles or knew that frequent sexual abuse maintained the dissociative process. At the time of my memories, several abusers were still alive.
Since they were all prominent, news of their death was often quite public. Most I had already recovered memories; but for at least two, more information surfaced after their death.
I used to think my father's job was "only" to maintain the level of terror and abuse at home when I was not with the program officials. I now believe he was a main player in that military intelligence/CIA/covert world. I received validation within the past two months. My father was an advisor to Vietnam in 1961 which was defined in a documentary as code for CIA before the full "war" broke out. Memories had surfaced of him being with me in settings with other programmers.
I have stated before I grew up in fear of him. After knowing of my DID and subsequent memories, I fully understand the depth of my terror for him. I have not lived near my family since the 70s and my last visit was around the mid-1990s. Earlier this week, I learned my father had passed away.
Initially I had relief that he could never terrorize or hurt me again. Throughout the day many emotions and thoughts surfaced...none of them grief. Part of me was just hoping I would not have to remember any other abuse involving him. It felt as if the news was just traveling through all parts of me and each was having their own reaction.
I had a doctor appointment early evening. After returning home and watching my favorite television shows, I decided to see the online obituary. I knew he had disowned me, but, as far as I knew, my mother and sisters still considered me a part of the family...just the crazy black sheep. However, the obituary did not mention me as one of the daughters. He did manage to get in the final blow. Am guessing if he disavowed knowledge of my existence, he was saying he took no responsibility for his actions.
The real impact came from what that meant to me for the future. Was I also dead to my mother and sisters? I don't have that answer. It's very unsettling. It took a day of emotional turmoil to realize nothing had changed. It still wasn't safe for me to be around my family even if they wanted me to be. So what difference did it really make?
While I would not wish healing from DID on anyone, especially now that my sisters are 55 and 60, in my heart I would like to have the validation while my mother is still alive that he was the person who hurt me beyond what most of the world can believe.
One thing is certain following an abuser's death: emotional turmoil. But we survivors know how to deal with emotional turmoil. We can get past it to get on with our healing toward a more complete and fulfilling life.
When the main abuser(s) are still alive, depending on the level of contact the victim has maintained with them, they may not recall the abuse until after the death. Several times I have known people who did not begin remembering until the death of both parents.
My first memory was father abuse and later came the covert government and military ties along with abusers who were also the original scientists and government figures who were involved in MK-Ultra. I knew who most of my abusers/programmers were. They were the same. The doctors, scientists, and government people were also either pedophiles or knew that frequent sexual abuse maintained the dissociative process. At the time of my memories, several abusers were still alive.
Since they were all prominent, news of their death was often quite public. Most I had already recovered memories; but for at least two, more information surfaced after their death.
I used to think my father's job was "only" to maintain the level of terror and abuse at home when I was not with the program officials. I now believe he was a main player in that military intelligence/CIA/covert world. I received validation within the past two months. My father was an advisor to Vietnam in 1961 which was defined in a documentary as code for CIA before the full "war" broke out. Memories had surfaced of him being with me in settings with other programmers.
I have stated before I grew up in fear of him. After knowing of my DID and subsequent memories, I fully understand the depth of my terror for him. I have not lived near my family since the 70s and my last visit was around the mid-1990s. Earlier this week, I learned my father had passed away.
Initially I had relief that he could never terrorize or hurt me again. Throughout the day many emotions and thoughts surfaced...none of them grief. Part of me was just hoping I would not have to remember any other abuse involving him. It felt as if the news was just traveling through all parts of me and each was having their own reaction.
I had a doctor appointment early evening. After returning home and watching my favorite television shows, I decided to see the online obituary. I knew he had disowned me, but, as far as I knew, my mother and sisters still considered me a part of the family...just the crazy black sheep. However, the obituary did not mention me as one of the daughters. He did manage to get in the final blow. Am guessing if he disavowed knowledge of my existence, he was saying he took no responsibility for his actions.
The real impact came from what that meant to me for the future. Was I also dead to my mother and sisters? I don't have that answer. It's very unsettling. It took a day of emotional turmoil to realize nothing had changed. It still wasn't safe for me to be around my family even if they wanted me to be. So what difference did it really make?
While I would not wish healing from DID on anyone, especially now that my sisters are 55 and 60, in my heart I would like to have the validation while my mother is still alive that he was the person who hurt me beyond what most of the world can believe.
One thing is certain following an abuser's death: emotional turmoil. But we survivors know how to deal with emotional turmoil. We can get past it to get on with our healing toward a more complete and fulfilling life.
Feb 6, 2011
Surviving Intense Body Memories
This is my second month of body memories related to a specific abuser and the pain he caused in my head and sinuses doing his “programming” (work related to the government program of which we were entrenched). Prior to the holidays I developed a sinus infection and was on antibiotics for 20 days followed by Cipro for 10 days. Thank goodness I have an appointment next week. Am hoping the infection is gone and the remaining headache, which feels like the top of my brain is pressing into my skull, is “only” body memory.
On January 1, at least two major parts of me integrated which brought on the post-integration headache I’ve been tolerating. But then more memories surfaced of the abuser, renowned for his work with brain implants, along with memories of a world-famous brain surgeon who died in the mid 70s. The abuse memory is from age 10 and/or prior. It is known both had worked together. My memory is of a removable implant through the sinus cavity which rests next to the brain in the forehead and at the lower back of the neck. It must have been extremely painful getting them into place. It also answers the question why I don’t have some microchip imbedded in me somewhere.
The first abuser is still alive and just last week I learned he relocated from his homeland of Spain to San Diego. My fear level has risen exponentially. If he is in the United States, you can be sure he is under government contract and San Diego is right next to a huge naval base. The primary backer of his MK-Ultra time period research was the Office of Naval Intelligence and likely that has not changed. Which validates for me that mind control techniques are still being used. Today, the watch a person is wearing or the cell phone assigned might have the needed receiver to trigger specific areas of the brain. It certainly makes me wonder each time the news screams of an individual “suddenly” going into a rage and killing innocent bystanders.
My head is pounding simply writing. I’ve had several massages. At home I completely wrap my head up in heat, including my face. I hate taking drugs so have only taken Advil but it doesn’t help much.
This started before knowing about his move. Did some part of me know that? Maybe I needed to know. I’ve been very vocal about my abuse and naming names. Perhaps it’s narcissistic to think “they” would want to get me back to him for re-torturing or some other horrible demise; but that is what is on my mind…weighing very heavily on my mind and hoping coping skills and continued healing of surfacing parts or fragments will eventually alleviate this pain.
I hate, that at birth…the planning before my birth, came with a life sentence of remembering what was done to me so parts stuck deep inside could eventually heal. Often I wonder if it will ever end and if I can really continue to cope with the intensity of emotions. Some days it really is just too much. Am grateful for microwaves and heated spa wraps to keep me sane.
On January 1, at least two major parts of me integrated which brought on the post-integration headache I’ve been tolerating. But then more memories surfaced of the abuser, renowned for his work with brain implants, along with memories of a world-famous brain surgeon who died in the mid 70s. The abuse memory is from age 10 and/or prior. It is known both had worked together. My memory is of a removable implant through the sinus cavity which rests next to the brain in the forehead and at the lower back of the neck. It must have been extremely painful getting them into place. It also answers the question why I don’t have some microchip imbedded in me somewhere.
The first abuser is still alive and just last week I learned he relocated from his homeland of Spain to San Diego. My fear level has risen exponentially. If he is in the United States, you can be sure he is under government contract and San Diego is right next to a huge naval base. The primary backer of his MK-Ultra time period research was the Office of Naval Intelligence and likely that has not changed. Which validates for me that mind control techniques are still being used. Today, the watch a person is wearing or the cell phone assigned might have the needed receiver to trigger specific areas of the brain. It certainly makes me wonder each time the news screams of an individual “suddenly” going into a rage and killing innocent bystanders.
My head is pounding simply writing. I’ve had several massages. At home I completely wrap my head up in heat, including my face. I hate taking drugs so have only taken Advil but it doesn’t help much.
This started before knowing about his move. Did some part of me know that? Maybe I needed to know. I’ve been very vocal about my abuse and naming names. Perhaps it’s narcissistic to think “they” would want to get me back to him for re-torturing or some other horrible demise; but that is what is on my mind…weighing very heavily on my mind and hoping coping skills and continued healing of surfacing parts or fragments will eventually alleviate this pain.
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