Surviving Intense Body Memories

This is my second month of body memories related to a specific abuser and the pain he caused in my head and sinuses doing his “programming” (work related to the  government program of which we were entrenched). Prior to the holidays I developed a sinus infection and was on antibiotics for 20 days followed by Cipro for 10 days. Thank goodness I have an appointment next week. Am hoping the infection is gone and the remaining headache, which feels like the top of my brain is pressing into my skull, is “only” body memory.

On January 1, at least two major parts of me integrated which brought on the post-integration headache I’ve been tolerating. But then more memories surfaced of the abuser, renowned for his work with brain implants, along with memories of a world-famous brain surgeon who died in the mid 70s. The abuse memory is from age 10 and/or prior. It is known both had worked together. My memory is of a removable implant through the sinus cavity which rests next to the brain in the forehead and at the lower back of the neck. It must have been extremely painful getting them into place. It also answers the question why I don’t have some microchip imbedded in me somewhere.

The first abuser is still alive and just last week I learned he relocated from his homeland of Spain to San Diego. My fear level has risen exponentially. If he is in the United States, you can be sure he is under government contract and San Diego is right next to a huge naval base. The primary backer of his MK-Ultra time period research was the Office of Naval Intelligence and likely that has not changed. Which validates for me that mind control techniques are still being used. Today, the watch a person is wearing or the cell phone assigned might have the needed receiver to trigger specific areas of the brain. It certainly makes me wonder each time the news screams of an individual “suddenly” going into a rage and killing innocent bystanders.

My head is pounding simply writing. I’ve had several massages. At home I completely wrap my head up in heat, including my face. I hate taking drugs so have only taken Advil but it doesn’t help much.

This started before knowing about his move. Did some part of me know that? Maybe I needed to know. I’ve been very vocal about my abuse and naming names. Perhaps it’s narcissistic to think “they” would want to get me back to him for re-torturing or some other horrible demise; but that is what is on my mind…weighing very heavily on my mind and hoping coping skills and continued healing of surfacing parts or fragments will eventually alleviate this pain.

I hate, that at birth…the planning before my birth, came with a life sentence of remembering what was done to me so parts stuck deep inside could eventually heal. Often I wonder if it will ever end and if I can really continue to cope with the intensity of emotions. Some days it really is just too much. Am grateful for microwaves and heated spa wraps to keep me sane.

How it works (being aware of the dangers)

Several life shaking concepts surface in conjunctioin with memories leaking through. Being DID is one. Realizing you are DID because someone did horrible things to you for likely at least several years when you were very young is another whammy. My memories began with father abuse. The people in robes didn't come up until later and I knew it was my father and his friends...not demons, although one could argue they were. Then came memories for intentionally perpetrated harm for specific tasks.

Here's the cover within the cover. Memories of being in some kind of "ceremonial" group that are very similar to what was done to create the job(s) to be exploited are very similar. For example, one will be done to a child alter so that emotional hypertrauma shrouds another alter being trained to manipulate men through sexual ploy(s). In this scenario something like being raped by a "demon" might overshadow training for how to drug a "trick" and steal his money. Because it's all about the money. I want my share of whatever I earned. To pay for my years of therapy. To put in my retirement fund so I don't have to worry for having missed over five years of work healing from the harm. For the emotional harm and having my will zapped so decisions were never really my own.

You can see how there is an investment of time and training for each victim, initially in the form of a child with jobs that transition as the child ages into a teen and then into an adult. This explains the manpower to interfere with a healing adult. They try to ensure loyalty to the group along with terror of telling and terror of getting help because one person healing means a loss of money to the group.

What are likely to surface are messages to let someone specific know you are healing or to go to a specific location where someone knows how to reinstate the dissociation, delaying any chance of healing. I did not have the experience my two actively abused clients continue to have. If I was followed to therapy, I didn't see it or remember it, thank goodness. But I did have "I think I'll go away for the weekend and hole up in a hotel to pamper myself." Or, an overwhelming urge to call someone from my past to include a family member. This happens in one child, one pedophile situations as well, if the pedophile knew how to use dissociation.

The best tactic when healing begins is to have a safe person. Someone who can tell you if you are being logical. Don't respond to any "spontaneous" thoughts to take a trip, visit someone, call, email or write someone you don't typically contact. Try to not answer any phone calls. Let them go to the answering machine or voicemail first. Many times, cues for alters to act are given over the phone. Because adults usually have full time jobs, their dissociated "job" would have been done at night.

Remember the unbelievability factor. You go to bed. The phone rings. You might answer the phone but an unhealed dissociated alter could respond to the cue which could be words, a sound (like a tone), both, or something else entirely. All you will remember is having a good night's sleep. *You* will be back in bed before the alarm goes off and be clueless as to any other activity. That's how life has been unless you were able to somehow disconnect through other conscious life events. Regardless, those messages surface when you heal if they were ingrained into your psyche during the trauma years.

Hopefully a survivor will be in therapy and work through these urges to call or visit to help the alters with those jobs to heal. Once the alter heals and no longer responds, the survivor heals from that particular cue. Who knows how many are inside with different jobs and cues. That will be different for each survivor. Just know it can be undone. Being very aware of the thoughts that spontaneously come up and grow into nagging, overwhelming thoughts is helpful.

You may have a few slip ups and might, for instance, send email to people thinking that "so and so should know"; but no harm is done (aside from being freaked out when you realize what you've done). The harm comes when an email is returned with a highly triggering phrase that may not click as a the source of feeling exceptionally sick or being overwhelmed with a desire to vacation in Tahiti or whatever comes up. It's following through on delivering yourself to a person or location that is dangerous. They never came to drag me away. They counted on my ingrained messages to work. They counted on a cued adult alter to drive the body to them.

If in doubt, don't do it. Have someone trustworthy in your life do reality checks for you regarding trips or visits. Even conferences or seminars in your conscious life might be used as opportunities for dissociated jobs or, once healing begins, being drawn back into that world. Having someone accompany you to stay overnight to make sure you don't go wandering out after bedtime and to answer phone calls is strongly recommended. I guess that's as thorough as I can be for this format. Safety first.

The devil IS the disguise

Regardless of which letters have tended to identify a survivor, their memories often overlap each other. In other words, many who have remembered the trauma of ritualistic ceremonies have also recalled the same people being in a party or "auction" or kiddie porn setting. Kinda puts a different twist on the charade, doesn't it? Survivors of what might be described as abuse in a military/government and hospital environment, also include the masks and devils, as well as the kiddie porn and other reprehensible activities.

It may take years to have the complete memory to understand the layers but eventually answers come, to include the charade. Survivors have the capacity to "see" when they were tricked. A term used among survivors is "screen memory". The "screen" is when the organized pedophiles intentionally provided the initial "extreme horrific trauma" scenario in hopes it would cover what they are really doing. Perhaps it was a kiddie porn shoot but hidden beneath a layer of something heinous--the layer that would likely first surface and the survivor would be dismissed as preposterous.

Another type of layering is when an alter believes someone was killed in a despicable manner while another self state may see the charade. Usually a little is called out to witness the horror, real or made-to-appear-real because the little's terror and belief will help disguise whatever the next level is. Here is a series of a survivor's collages showing the same memory stripped down to the charade. We don't have to know what everything means. The common element appears to be someone's heart was isolated from the body.

This would be the horror as seen through images recalled by a child self.


The next layer strips away the scary ceremony and seems more clinical although the placement of the man as upside down indicates something awry.

What's important on the next collage is the image in the upper right. It may be difficult to see in this format, although you can click on it to make it larger. The hand fallen down to the right is hiding what appears to be an IV showing he is not dead. No hearts were harmed in the making of this memory? The survivor's memory is clear that she is being shown the death was "smoke and mirrors".



What does this mean? It means it all goes together. At the highest level of sophisticated pedophile, the elements of all the other lettered survivors are included. The pedophiles are the masked "satanic cult" are the doctors are the soldiers and officers of military bases and whatever else is remembered as frozen in trauma by the victims. No one could make this stuff up--and be consistent with what survivors around the world recall.

Because of the nature of dissociated memories, it is impossible to know exactly what happened because it comes up like a puzzle and each puzzle piece may go with the same puzzle or may go with completely different puzzles. This is what I view as a safety mechanism for healing. If an entire horrific memory were remembered all at once, it might be "too much". Whatever is missing is never something a non-perverted human could ever figure out logically. So that first memory of someone being killed is definitely horrid to remember and to process. It's also possible that down the road, trickery may be revealed.

This is not false memories. This is remembering all the tricks used to deceive the victims. Survivors who remember the entirety of the charade are hoping the perps never anticipated our minds could do that. It might be several decades since the abuse occurred, but it is exactly what is still going on today.

The abc's of organized pedophilia

Since it typically takes three to four decades of a person’s life before remembering dissociated early childhood abuse and beyond, the first survivors “en masse” globally began to surface in the 1980s and 1990s. Therapists were cited as being overly generous with a diagnosis of DID when, in fact, survivors of abuse from the 1950s and 1960s were beginning to wake up.

Large numbers of survivors had horrific (unbelievable) memories related to the military, government, and other high profile locations. Those survivors acquired the letters MC as victims of mind control. In spite of similar elements to the abuse worldwide, this group of survivors was claimed to have high fantasy quotients or very distorted memories or memories implanted by spurious therapists. Apparently these therapists conspired globally to implant the same memories in thousands of survivors for unknown motivation.

Prior to the “epidemic” of DID in the 1990s when the FMSF had to swoop in and sue therapists for causing clients to falsely accuse innocent parents of unfathomable abuse [excuse me while I roll my eyes], there was the category of extremely rare occurrence of DID in survivors claiming to have memories of devil worship and bizarre, unbelievable ceremonies.

These survivors were given the letters SRA for satanic ritual abuse and also claimed to be liars and fabricators and have therapists who were somehow all secretly trained to implant a lifetime of false memories in a client. A history of ceremonies and masks and similar worship goes back to Pagan times but no perverted mind would ever think, “Hey, there’s a good way to abuse children in horrific unbelievable ways and also be able to have our pedophile sex parties with no one bothering us”...or would they?

And of course this type of abuse also occurred in unlikely places such as graveyards or church basements or in buildings where pedophiles gathered under the guise of community organizations. So all survivors who remembered such places had memory that was highly questionable.

The last group of lettered survivors falls under the letters RA for ritual abuse which is abuse of a ritualized nature (religious based or not) but without the satanic elements. Again, survivors worldwide have similar memories of experiences at the hands of pedophiles in this category. I’m advocating that we stop with the letters and simply categorize all abuse of children who remember group activity as under the heading of organized pedophilia.

What I see are different levels of sophistication (technology and knowledge of pedophilia)—not different categories of abused. It doesn’t matter what a survivor remembers because we know it was made to be unbelieved by the pedophiles. We need to look past what gets seared into a child’s trauma memory and hear they were abused in a group setting. I also highly suggest that those not familiar with trauma memory refer to the work of Bessel A. van der Kolk whose research in trauma is renowned and respected in the psychological/psychotherapist professions worldwide.

As survivors are identified and healed sufficiently to take a survey or speak with law enforcement assigned to investigate pedophilia, information can be gathered. Area law enforcement would be able to see similar locations, descriptions, abusers, etc. to know where a particular group gathers (and it would be more than one location in a community). Think of survivors as resources to be treasured. They have knowledge of the pedophile rings from a perspective no one else on this planet has. They also have knowledge of how they were used in the organized pedophile community as they became adults and were manipulated in dissociated states. That insight would be quite an eye opener for the country, I’m sure.

A large percentage of survivors who recall groups of abusers have kiddie porn memories and startle responses to cameras, clicking noises of cameras, flash bulbs, and more. This is the common denominator. Pedophiles are using the children in their rings to earn huge sums of money marketing kiddie porn and beyond (when adults in dissociative states continue to be drawn into the ring)...not to mention fulfilling their perverse proclivities.

No more ABCs. We all need to acknowledge that pedophiles have various levels of technology, knowledge, and access to various populations. Children could become prey to any group of pedophiles—and pedophiles at different levels exchange knowledge and techniques so many similar elements will be found across all groups. It’s time to take the blame off the survivors and realize they would not have DID if they hadn’t been repeatedly traumatized prior to age 6! Children don’t acquire DID in a vacuum. Something happened. Something very very bad.