Surviving Intense Body Memories

This is my second month of body memories related to a specific abuser and the pain he caused in my head and sinuses doing his “programming” (work related to the  government program of which we were entrenched). Prior to the holidays I developed a sinus infection and was on antibiotics for 20 days followed by Cipro for 10 days. Thank goodness I have an appointment next week. Am hoping the infection is gone and the remaining headache, which feels like the top of my brain is pressing into my skull, is “only” body memory.

On January 1, at least two major parts of me integrated which brought on the post-integration headache I’ve been tolerating. But then more memories surfaced of the abuser, renowned for his work with brain implants, along with memories of a world-famous brain surgeon who died in the mid 70s. The abuse memory is from age 10 and/or prior. It is known both had worked together. My memory is of a removable implant through the sinus cavity which rests next to the brain in the forehead and at the lower back of the neck. It must have been extremely painful getting them into place. It also answers the question why I don’t have some microchip imbedded in me somewhere.

The first abuser is still alive and just last week I learned he relocated from his homeland of Spain to San Diego. My fear level has risen exponentially. If he is in the United States, you can be sure he is under government contract and San Diego is right next to a huge naval base. The primary backer of his MK-Ultra time period research was the Office of Naval Intelligence and likely that has not changed. Which validates for me that mind control techniques are still being used. Today, the watch a person is wearing or the cell phone assigned might have the needed receiver to trigger specific areas of the brain. It certainly makes me wonder each time the news screams of an individual “suddenly” going into a rage and killing innocent bystanders.

My head is pounding simply writing. I’ve had several massages. At home I completely wrap my head up in heat, including my face. I hate taking drugs so have only taken Advil but it doesn’t help much.

This started before knowing about his move. Did some part of me know that? Maybe I needed to know. I’ve been very vocal about my abuse and naming names. Perhaps it’s narcissistic to think “they” would want to get me back to him for re-torturing or some other horrible demise; but that is what is on my mind…weighing very heavily on my mind and hoping coping skills and continued healing of surfacing parts or fragments will eventually alleviate this pain.

I hate, that at birth…the planning before my birth, came with a life sentence of remembering what was done to me so parts stuck deep inside could eventually heal. Often I wonder if it will ever end and if I can really continue to cope with the intensity of emotions. Some days it really is just too much. Am grateful for microwaves and heated spa wraps to keep me sane.

National Geographic Validates Abuse

***Manchurian Candidates by grace2244 (on tag break) on Polyvore.com

Yesterday I watched CIA Secrets on National Geographic. It confirmed all the LSD and mind control experiments to include students at 80 universities who received funds under MK Ultra. Information was from declassified documents and interviews.

The show ends with CIA giving up on ever creating someone who would forget a murder (the key element being "forget") after following orders to shoot. They ruled out hypnosis, LSD, and overloads of ECT as effective for adult subjects and gave up that program.

The untold story is that they began raising dissociated children in the late 40s and early 50s which guaranteed the necessary component of forgetfulness after committing a crime. Having orders obeyed was not an issue after harming a child sufficiently to cause dissociation. Even though we survivors are remembering now, it's so far from the time of abuse and our stories deemed unbelievable by propaganda and a shadow government.

The special explained they believe Sirhan Sirhan, who assassinated Robert Kennedy in 1968 was the first known Manchurian Candidate. To this day, he does not know what he did.

Additionally, mind control experimentation in the concentration camps was explored. Prisoners were exposed to levels of ECT and drugs that would have helped determine what could be done to a child in a dissociative state without interfering with the host alter's perception of life.

The validation was nice but I just want to scream about that big gap regarding dissociated children.