DID and "the holiday"

Transformational seasonal wishes by grace2244 (slow to catch up) on Polyvore.com

Many with structured DID or ritual abuse (the basis of child exploitation) have a very difficult time surrounding all holidays, especially Christmas. Anything "traditional" can be triggering...even Christmas cards. So I created this sentiment for anyone who struggles with this time of year.

Healing of the Christmas trauma

If you saw my collages Christmas Ballet and Happy Holidays at the Art Journey blog, you could see something terrible must have happened. The ballet collage was about a conscious memory I had of performing at age 3 in front of an audience. Pink tutu, ballet shoes. I sang "The Hokey Pokey". I have no memory of learning the song and dance (ballet and some somersaults) beforehand and I have no memory of anything after the performance. My collage connected that performance to maybe Christmas eve, but at least some kind of Christmas recital. For what? I didn't go to nursery school as we know it. The important message I got was that the date my sister "was killed" was Christmas Day.

Then came the Happy Holidays collage which clearly showed a huge disturbance and some kind of horrific trauma. I felt better after doing that particular collage but was happy to have my therapy appointment today. I was able to print out the collages for her. After telling her about my awful week, we decided to check inside to see if anything else needed to be resolved regarding the alters who recall that Christmas. It would have been the last Christmas Jane remembered so, in addition to littles being terrified, Jane is not so sure either.

As I went inside listening to my therapist, she asked if anyone needed help to heal who helped do the collage. I instantly sensed my entire Happy Holidays collage was a place inside me where everyone was still stuck in the trauma. I could feel the frozen fear. It was me. I was there. That "magical" moment when I am getting the memory and feel connected to it. It's the way therapists have stated someone healed from DID will feel. T asked what needed to happen get them out of that horrid place which was a bathroom but had the feel of something more industrial. I saw what happened inside before I had my own idea. We made a doorway into a beautiful spa where each was greeted by a caretaker or protector to help them clean off the yuck, give them warm fluffy robes and slippers, let them lounge comfortably, and have hot chocolate.

I could see them file out one by one. At least 10 were represented in the image, bigs and littles. I stayed where I was and my arms went up in the air like the photo on the Know Dissociation blog and like the arms coming through the shower curtain on the collage. T asked me who was stuck with their arms up. I said it was me. Was lying on her sofa with arms frozen up in the air. T does great body work and is always going to conferences on new techniques. She said she was moving close to me and asked permission to hold my hands while she tried something. After holding both hands she began to explain how what happened was not my fault or anybody's fault. As she spoke she very slowly began lowering my arms. Before my arms were half way down, I was sobbing. It was me at 3. And am pretty sure that was the last time I felt connected to my body.

After the session, she asked which little was speaking to her. I said I didn't know. Maybe it was me at that age...not an alter. Just me at the time I froze and whatever part of me could go into hiding did so. Everyone just wanted out the yuck and to feel clean and safe and warm. When I came home, I felt compelled to do my spa collage. Throughout my healing I had many messages there were three Graces, because of the core splits. The spa collage indicates the three Graces through Philosophy's products--Amazing Grace, Pure Grace, and Baby Grace. Other Philosophy words and products are incorporated.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Most of whatever happened 53 years ago moved out of the stuckness and into a wonderful internal place. Maybe this was my time to become one and have the experience of being one during the memory process. It was a little different, but I was well aware they were MY arms. I love spa time. It was very easy to imagine the wonderful pampering I receive during my spa days and searched the internet for the photos of cleansing and calm for all who were rescued. As quickly as these collages are coming out of me, I obviously have a lot to say without words.

Hope you enjoy this peaceful collage. Wishing all a safe time through this next week.

Bracing for the holiday

For survivors of organized pedophilia, Thanksgiving is the foreboding of Christmas. While it may be joyful to give presents and share with friends at a certain point in healing, Christmas is a very difficult day for survivors on many levels. If you are a friend or support person of a survivor, it's good to understand. You needn't change your own traditions, but a few modifications could help ease anxiety. Survivors are invited to add comments to more fully expand this message.

What might appear to be a peaceful holiday scene in the photo might be viewed from a survivor's perspective as: scary fire, boxes that hold scary things, Santa (who is someone who sexually abused them as a child), or even feelings of shame instilled for wanting presents. Christmas is never about religion (except for a very warped version) or joy. It's singled out as one of the more abusive times for a pedophile gathering to instill deep trauma into victims while the pedophiles engage in their perversions.

I recall feeling sickened after my first memory of father abuse when my sister told me that my father (who was born and raised Jewish) was going to be Santa at the area shopping mall. Any Santa with little kids is terrifying to me even though I logically know not all who play Santa are pedophiles. Recently a very distasteful ad appeared on television for erectile dysfunction. The spokesperson was a man dressed as Santa with a long line of adult woman waiting to sit in his lap. You can't imagine the revulsion survivors have to such images.

How to help
Wrapped packages/boxes were used to disguise disgusting and terrifying items. Use gift bags for survivor gifts. The openness feels safer.

If you are comfortable asking the survivor if anything in the environment is causing distress and you are willing to remove any object during the visit, by all means do so. Just offering may be sufficient to put the survivor more at ease.

If there is a gathering where Santa is to appear in costume, make sure the survivor knows that in advance. Perhaps s/he would be willing to move to another room to feel more comfortable.

Changing the tradition
As with any holiday, survivors can create their own traditions or changes as they progress through healing. Those in the early stages of healing may elect to avoid holiday gatherings. My SO and I now exchange gifts on Christmas Eve and enjoy his family gathering of watching them open gifts on Christmas Day. We eased into it because I was always trying to get him to allow me to open presents the night before. Now he understands that it feels safe for me and I appreciate that it is okay with him now too.

Christmas is known as a depressing time of year for many. The economy this year alone could create an even greater impact. However, survivors wrestle constantly with wishing they could enjoy some of the holiday while staving off the depression that surrounds the many Christmases that were made horrendous days of abuse in the past.

Other typically benign objects may be triggers. Do you know what to do if your friend or SO has a panic attack or a frightened little takes over? If not, ask. Lacking an answer from the survivor, reassurance of current safety and offer of helping move her to a comforting room with a quilt and possibly a stuffed animal may help to calm the little as well as ease the panic attack. The survivor may be frightened to be left alone once separated. Coping skills are breathing slowly, calming words, calming music. Does the person need to call her therapist? What does she need if isolation from the trigger and reassurance of safety don't work? Asking is good.

I recall a party I attended in my early years of healing where I walked into the kitchen where several men had gathered and bottles of liquor were strewn about. I got so dizzy I nearly passed out. I made it back to my SO in a little's state asking to go home. A memory surfaced later about the trigger of men and alcohol for me.

Surprises and gags
Surprises and gags are not only not funny, the panic of even a good surprise could trigger a memory. You don't want to give a survivor a surprise party. In looking for an appropriate photo for this post, I came across one showing Santa from the back as he was flashing the people in front of him. That's not funny to us. It's sick. So, if you know a survivor will be visiting your home, you might want to avoid the anatomically correct Santa cookies or gingerbread men.

Yes, we have a lot of emotional baggage and holiday trauma. It takes a long time to diffuse. You can also be a part of the healing journey by being a good friend and understanding ally.

The rest of the year

For survivors of intentional DID, as well as others with sophisticated abusers, October 31st having passed announces the beginning of the rest of the year to get through. It is not a time of joy and excitement now or ever. Some have succeeded in creating new memories and traditions. I don't know if the background "noise" of what used to happen is ever completely resolved. It can be reduced significantly.

Just before this past holiday came to be, the Christmas decorations began to appear in stores. It used to be that didn't happen until Thanksgiving. Survivors have to bear an even longer period of coping. That's what October 31st to January 2nd is for survivors...coping...trying to cope. I personally don't have anything specifically that has come up related to Thanksgiving except that it is a time when expected to be with family. And I know now my family was never safe. Maybe I'll be spared a specific Thanksgiving memory.

Christmas is another matter. I'd be happy never to have presents to open or a tree. Even though I made a new tradition and I love the tree we share (my SO and me), it is overwhelming to think of preparing the tree and taking it down later. It's too sad to take down. Christmas Day is sad. The day after Christmas is depressing. I engage in comforting activities to respect the internal grief.

Organized pedophiles ensure "joy" is killed. Presents (things in boxes with ribbons) become reminders of trauma. I've mentioned before how gift bags were the best invention. I can see there's nothing scary inside. That creates crossover for any holiday with presents. Huge triggers for a box with a ribbon. If you are able to shift into the mindset I've described for a pedophile, you can imagine the horror of Valentine's Day. Is it real or Memorex? It doesn't matter. Whatever was in the box appeared real to a little and that terror and horror became ingrained into our being.

Am having to decide what to do this year. Too tired to put up a tree and the special decorations for the tree. Too tired to think about taking them down. If SO wants to do that, I'm happy to have it in my home. He has made the holidays special for me and also understands the underlying battle. Being safe does make a difference. I can enjoy being around his family and watching them enjoy the holidays. Maybe one day I will feel connected to that joy. I have to say last year was exceptionally special when I was given a pink computer and matching pink mouse. Definitely a good surprise. And the added gift of a camcorder was overwhelming. Those gifts allowed me to create the videos and blogs to share with the world. I pray the world is listening to the harm so many children suffer...the children leaving the womb into a world of terror. No one ever sees. No one wants to see. We need to want to see.

Please vote tomorrow.

Anniversary memories & holidays

When I was first told some memories could occur on the day they originated regardless of how many years ago it was, my response was "bull sh*t". At least that was my position until I had THE most horrid combination of flashbacks and memories on November 1, two months after I began to remember. Initially the date had no meaning to me. When I realized the memory went with Halloween, I went a little nuts realizing I'd just had an anniversary memory.

I've stated before how holidays are not fun for survivors. Sophisticated pedophiles, if they have access to the child on holidays, will make it a day of horror. Halloween and Christmas are the worst once healing begins because of stores starting to put out the elements that go with the holiday far in advance.

Trappings such as masks and costumes (what children typically enjoy about Halloween) if present when trauma was instilled will be a trigger when memories begin. In healing, the objective for survivors is to create new memories.

What happened to us sucked. Children born into that world don't have a chance. Even if the child is rescued in childhood, there are likely to be triggers well into adulthood, especially where relationships and intimacy are concerned. Friends and safe family of survivors need to know that special care might be appropriate regarding some traditions. The best way to find out is to ask the survivor his or her preferences. And survivors can convey their preferences if something feels too uncomfortable in the environment. Self care and safety are key when abuse is tied to days where others are celebratory, especially when the environment is a constant reminder.