And On It Goes...

 

Polyvore by Grace2244

After my May 2013 integration, I thought all alters and programming were behind me. I've done well on the 30 mg of Cymbalta. Happy with husband and a spunky new puppy. Unexpectedly, on a previously highly triggering date (2/22), a part I thought had healed took control and I overdosed. 

Back into therapy. I think that program has been dismantled. It involved three alters and am hoping that's all. My beliefs about fully healing have shifted. Can never know when an event or date had been preordained to trigger a self harm program. 

In my case, because I've outlived all my death programming, I'm afraid that's all that is left. Must live aware of the least sign and call therapist instead of thinking I can deal with things on my own at this point. It may be a lifelong endeavor but am hoping such incidents are fewer and farther between.

What Appears As One Trigger May Be Several

My inner world has been quiet lately giving me time to work in therapy on a list of remaining PTSD triggers. A big one for me is eating noises. It had often caused me to leave restaurants before the days of ipods and iphones. Actually I had started to use ear plugs before I had an ipod. Eating with others around was such an anxiety ridden experience.

As a child...even an adult child...eating with my family was a horror of father-made noises, especially slurping. We had dinner manners pounded into us but none applied to him. I recall my younger sister and I at high school age approaching my mother. It stopped for awhile amidst his evil looks at us but then returned.

Several times I had worked with EMDR in therapy to try to resolve this trigger. I was always led back to the horror of the initial trigger. Memories no one ever wants to discover but, to heal from it, they have to be visited, even if only briefly.

Not too long ago, a yogurt commercial on television had me screaming when someone sucked in entire container of yogurt at once. I learned to quickly mute it but also told my therapist how awful it was for me. That was the first time she used the technique of brain spotting with me. She was newly trained. It is simply my eyes following a moving pointer she held vertically in her hands and following her directions for focusing on certain feelings and eye movements. After that one session, I was able to completely tolerate the commercial and it translated to real people and their natural noises of eating with regard to slurping.

More recently, a Kit Kat commercial included a series of people biting into the crunchy bars with close ups of their mouths. Even looking away, it made my anxiety soar and my partner quickly learned to mute it. It came on several times every night about the same time. Because of my current internal quiet time, I was able to work on the crunching noise, again with brain spotting. My therapist expanded the healing to include watching people eat with the message that food was nourishing and enjoyable and I was hearing people enjoy their food. I returned home from the session telling Brian not to mute the commercial that night so we could see what happened. When it aired, we both stared at each other. I was okay. I was really fine. The next night I purposely looked up at the tv to see the people biting into the bar and that was okay too. I also noticed on a tv show that included a family dinner that I wasn't turning away. I was able to hear the conversation instead of fighting with the anxiety of the trigger.

Poor Brian has been eating as quietly as possible for a number of years and now I rarely notice when he has food. We are an informal, eat-in-the-living room couple. However, since resolving the slurping and the crunching, I still jump when his lips smack. This probably sounds bizarre but everything about eating apparently is a trigger. No wonder just working on "eating noises" didn't work.

I already asked my therapist if we could do smacking next while she sucks on a cough drop. lol. It will do the trick. I am/was also triggered by the clinking of silverware against dishes...as in stirring a drink or simply someone's fork hitting the dish while grabbing food. I haven't noticed that in awhile so perhaps it has resolved itself.

I thought it worthwhile to share this discovery since, if work on a generalized trigger is not working, perhaps breaking it down into smaller components will work.

Note: The link provided for brain spotting is a good overview that is not too technical. You can google it to find other references. The most important aspect is that your therapist is properly trained in the technique.

Who's Driving the Car?

***Bridge Dissociation by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Several years ago when BB (my SO) used to live in another town, there was a bridge I had to cross (just an short overpass). I became aware slowly that I seemed to blank out between the turn just before the bridge until up to a mile later. Fastforward.

My physical therapist is the first left after a blue overpass. I drive under it. I keep missing the turn under the bridge. So I became diligent about keeping the blue bridge in my sights so I would not miss the turn but I would focus on the blue bridge and the next thing I know I'm beyond my turn.

I don't know if it's all bridges or these bridges are near "secret" areas. One was near a known place of abuse for another survivor. The blue bridge is connected to a military base.

I'm sharing in hopes it helps me break that dissociation and also maybe help some to become more aware of triggers on the road.

It's scary to me for those unhealed. I know I have a safe driver for when I blank out. I think how easy it was in the past for another driver to take over and leave me not remembering anything except going to my planned destination.

Ask inside if there can be a designated safe driver who can keep others out of the driver's seat. Please be safe.

Bracing for the holiday

For survivors of organized pedophilia, Thanksgiving is the foreboding of Christmas. While it may be joyful to give presents and share with friends at a certain point in healing, Christmas is a very difficult day for survivors on many levels. If you are a friend or support person of a survivor, it's good to understand. You needn't change your own traditions, but a few modifications could help ease anxiety. Survivors are invited to add comments to more fully expand this message.

What might appear to be a peaceful holiday scene in the photo might be viewed from a survivor's perspective as: scary fire, boxes that hold scary things, Santa (who is someone who sexually abused them as a child), or even feelings of shame instilled for wanting presents. Christmas is never about religion (except for a very warped version) or joy. It's singled out as one of the more abusive times for a pedophile gathering to instill deep trauma into victims while the pedophiles engage in their perversions.

I recall feeling sickened after my first memory of father abuse when my sister told me that my father (who was born and raised Jewish) was going to be Santa at the area shopping mall. Any Santa with little kids is terrifying to me even though I logically know not all who play Santa are pedophiles. Recently a very distasteful ad appeared on television for erectile dysfunction. The spokesperson was a man dressed as Santa with a long line of adult woman waiting to sit in his lap. You can't imagine the revulsion survivors have to such images.

How to help
Wrapped packages/boxes were used to disguise disgusting and terrifying items. Use gift bags for survivor gifts. The openness feels safer.

If you are comfortable asking the survivor if anything in the environment is causing distress and you are willing to remove any object during the visit, by all means do so. Just offering may be sufficient to put the survivor more at ease.

If there is a gathering where Santa is to appear in costume, make sure the survivor knows that in advance. Perhaps s/he would be willing to move to another room to feel more comfortable.

Changing the tradition
As with any holiday, survivors can create their own traditions or changes as they progress through healing. Those in the early stages of healing may elect to avoid holiday gatherings. My SO and I now exchange gifts on Christmas Eve and enjoy his family gathering of watching them open gifts on Christmas Day. We eased into it because I was always trying to get him to allow me to open presents the night before. Now he understands that it feels safe for me and I appreciate that it is okay with him now too.

Christmas is known as a depressing time of year for many. The economy this year alone could create an even greater impact. However, survivors wrestle constantly with wishing they could enjoy some of the holiday while staving off the depression that surrounds the many Christmases that were made horrendous days of abuse in the past.

Other typically benign objects may be triggers. Do you know what to do if your friend or SO has a panic attack or a frightened little takes over? If not, ask. Lacking an answer from the survivor, reassurance of current safety and offer of helping move her to a comforting room with a quilt and possibly a stuffed animal may help to calm the little as well as ease the panic attack. The survivor may be frightened to be left alone once separated. Coping skills are breathing slowly, calming words, calming music. Does the person need to call her therapist? What does she need if isolation from the trigger and reassurance of safety don't work? Asking is good.

I recall a party I attended in my early years of healing where I walked into the kitchen where several men had gathered and bottles of liquor were strewn about. I got so dizzy I nearly passed out. I made it back to my SO in a little's state asking to go home. A memory surfaced later about the trigger of men and alcohol for me.

Surprises and gags
Surprises and gags are not only not funny, the panic of even a good surprise could trigger a memory. You don't want to give a survivor a surprise party. In looking for an appropriate photo for this post, I came across one showing Santa from the back as he was flashing the people in front of him. That's not funny to us. It's sick. So, if you know a survivor will be visiting your home, you might want to avoid the anatomically correct Santa cookies or gingerbread men.

Yes, we have a lot of emotional baggage and holiday trauma. It takes a long time to diffuse. You can also be a part of the healing journey by being a good friend and understanding ally.

Undoing a known trigger

One of my most intrusive PTSD symptoms is dropping something or almost dropping something. The trigger is feeling the loss of control in my hand as opposed to any value of the object. Yesterday I started working on undoing the very loud startle scream that ensues. I wasn't sure it would work in a controlled setting. But it worked enough.

My recent memory processing has involved three previously integrated alters who were connected to each other. One of the three had the dropping trigger. The therapist spoke through to the little. I was completely co-conscious but felt the little's control in my hand. We worked with small objects of different textures. I was supposed to just let the first object fall out of my hand but my fingers weren't about to let go. T held something in her hand while talking and suddenly let it fall. She heard the scream. lol. At least it was okay there.

I managed to let several things fall to the ground but felt my chest tighten up each time it hit. Every time the object fell, t would say "That's okay". The little spoke a few times and I just let her be out. I was exhausted at the end of the session.

When I returned home, it wasn't five minutes before I knocked something over. BB (my SO) quickly came over to pick it up. "It's okay," said the little. I swear she was practicing knocking things over. Within about ten minutes, she had told BB, "That's okay" in the same sweet little girl voice. For now, I would much rather have a little girl voice for a few seconds than the startle scream. Something good happened. And that was only within a few hours of working on the trigger.

Next trigger to work on (when the opportunity arises) will be the startle scream that comes when I'm a passenger in a car and the driver suddenly goes to hit the brakes. I don't even have to have my eyes open; I can be looking out the side window. Somehow I sense when the foot leaves the gas pedal to hit the brake. Heaven only knows where the PTSD came from. The feeling is "I'm going to die!" Often it is just BB slowing down to avoid something up ahead. The internal screen showed me a car sitting still with a screen in front of it (similar to how they made "moving car" scenes in old movies. Am guessing from that bit of information that either in a terror state and/or slightly drugged state, I thought we were moving and when the driver hit the brake, it looked like a truck or car was going to crash right into me. Guess it doesn't matter what happened. I can undo it. That will be a little tricky. Will need to go with BB to empty parking lot. Not sure who inside goes with that though.

A world of clues

I mentioned "clue talk" in my last post. My experience with my inner wisdom synchronizing with my external world to prepare me for a memory is the awesome part of the healing journey. It's a lesson in how we can do things subconsciously while wide awake and have idea what we are doing. When the moment of realization sets in, it's an incredible scary but good thrill. An OMG OMG moment.

In my life before knowing of the amnesia, I surrounded myself with certain objects and art. Some items went through years of relocating. My writing was also something, in retrospect, that became a profound validation to my memories.

Something I know that has happened for others, especially with the internet, is, that in typing, you begin to use a certain word repeatedly. A few weeks ago I was using "arsenal". An arsenal of coping skills, an arsenal of tools. The memory that came up was when we lived at a military base which was called an arsenal. Just be mindful of when that happens. Another way a clue can eek out is that you consistently mistype a word. You know how to type it but it keeps coming out another way. That is likely another part of you wanting you to know something. The meaning at the time is not important. It's the noticing...awareness...that is key.

I shared in my last post about the secret meaning of bunnies. I have had rabbit or bunnies in some form throughout my life...as pets, statues, stuffed animals. One of my first memories was of a bunny meeting a tragic end, of course because of my fault...at the age of 3. I also received my "reminder object" bear when I was 3. hmmm. Oops, this is about helping you!

Some alters seemed to go with certain objects which later had meaning. My little who went with skeletons and bunnies had no sense of self and knew only pain. But recently bunnies re-entered my life, first as an image in one of my videos, then as an icon, then "spontaneously" having to buy a brown bunny. I actually went to my favorite Boyd's BEAR store to look for a bunny the other day. Boyd's does have bunnies but not the bunny I "needed". My favorite book has always been The Velveteen Rabbit, a story about a stuffed animal bunny who becomes real after he is loved by a human. Strong identification with finding all that abandonment and loneliness attached to a bunny. One symbol has had many meanings.

One of the creepiest clues I had was when another little went with hearts. I probably had five heart necklaces and dishes in the shape of hearts. I didn't realize how many hearts I did have around me until I met the little. The magnitude of the collection had been completely out of my awareness. The trauma memory that went with the little was her remembering she had to hold a heart in her hand but dropped it. Horrid things happened to her for not holding onto the heart. This was the beginning of my memories and wasn't believing what I was seeing or hearing from inside although it was well documented in the collages that came to life after her giving me the memory. It was about this stage that I was heavily researching abuse with ceremonies and rituals looking for answers.

Several days after the memory, I was walking from a store to my car thinking about the heart message. That had been so traumatic for me. It had to be some made up story. It was then I began feeling the car keys in the palm of my hand. I looked down and my key chain had a large red jelly-like heart from a pet store. I'd had it for so long it had become invisible to me. When I saw that heart sitting in my palm, I needed an airlift out of the parking lot. Honestly, it was that huge. It also explains my "dropping PTSD". If anything even feels like it is slipping out of my hand, a blood curdling startle scream emanates from me. It's one of my last really bad PTSD triggers. It doesn't matter what the object is...it could have no value whatsoever. The PTSD goes with the feeling that something is coming out of my grasp. That kind of trigger remaining so entrenched goes with something falling out of my hand.

Possibly that's my only validation for the memory, but having the traumatic reaction to seeing that red heart in my hand was validation enough for me that something happened with a heart. It could have been a prop heart for like a movie, but it was real to me at the age of the memory--likely age 5.

I've probably mentioned before, but opening yourself to being given clues from the outside world will help insiders give you information that will help you make sense of an upcoming memory or give you pieces to a memory that would not otherwise surface as easily. I've had clues come at me from billboards (an image or words appearing very large). I used to have someone inside download itunes while *I* was browsing that would show up on my playlist. Clues can come from songs. They can come from anywhere if you let them.

The more ways your alters can communicate with you, the more they are able to ameliorate the process of memory. It can be quick and trauma minimized. Or it can be long and agonizing, especially if you tend to fight knowing or hearing. For me, there has always been a reason to know. I think the only reason I really needed to get to my recent memory is that I was going to watch Dexter and that memory would have been triggered in an awful way.

Sixth sense is very much a part of people with DID. Through sensory deprivation and constantly being in a state of fear, all of our senses were heightened. It can work very much in your favor when it is time to heal. Protectors know what is coming up for you. I don't know how; they just do.

Embrace the knowledge your alters hold and the wisdom inside to present you with information as it is needed. Healing will go faster. You still have to rip the bandaid off, but it's a fast ouch. And that's far better than a long agonizingly slow pull.

The blessing & creepiness of inner wisdom

I have blogged about struggling with a memory that recently surfaced. When the magnitude of the yuck surfaced at my therapy session, I said "I KNOW this memory came up now because something is going to happen in the near future that this will have needed to happen." Well, it happened.

I'm a diehard (no pun intended) Dexter fan. If you don't know about Dexter, I won't tell you. lol. You can look it up. It's a series on Showtime. I can't deal with CSI or NCIS but I'm riveted to Dexter. He gets the bad guys. Anyway, I was riveted from the very beginning to the last Dexter (which was the first Dexter after processing my memory) and realized all the elements of my memory were in the opening scene except one. And THAT was new keyword for the show. Surely if I had not processed my memory the previous week, all those elements together would have triggered me so badly. After all, the memory was just under the surface waiting to happen.

But because I heeded the necessity to "go in" and get the yuck to process, I was only freaked out that my inner wisdom once again led me down the path of least emotional harm. With my therapist, I was in a controlled environment with the support I needed. If it had come up as being triggered by the television show, I would have been overtaken by screaming littles with an emergency call to the therapist to "talk me down", for lack of a better term.

This has been a repeat theme of my healing and a much honored aspect of my being. I used to have a system. Now I have several beings who are all wiser and stronger than me...and a few littles who are the inner child encompassing those raw emotions. I think even they like Dexter though. One week he got a pedophile. Yayyyyy!!!

Sometimes a little can be the inner wisdom. When the time is right, you will know which part of you connects to the universal consciousness as well as your heart and soul. Your life will never be the same again--in an extraordinarily good way.