Something In My Eye

May and June brought some scary moments as well as deep healing. Mostly it's been quiet inside throughout end of 2011 sinus surgery followed by six weeks of IV antibiotics. Unfortunately the antibiotics which included sulfa drugs may have caused the rapid onset of cataracts. I'd had great vision with my glasses for years with only minor correction except for astigmatism. I was scheduled for cataract surgery for right eye in May and left eye in June. The first surgery went so smoothly. Easiest surgery ever in case anyone is wondering.

Between the surgeries I began to have anxiety and some dangerous things almost happen with my left eye blocking my sight for cars. I realized someone was causing that to happen. My last car accident a couple years ago I only remember being at the stop sign. Next memory is my face in an air bag. Someone had hit me mid-intersection flying from the left. Always wondered if that hadn't been a part of me. I began processing on Polyvore. Over and over I was being shown me at age 3 and images of a teddybear. It took many sets before I realized the teddybear was how the 3-year-old saw herself. Trapped, unable to move. She was being held by an adult male part of me who I initially knew as an internal perp.

Without going through a lot of "clue talk", the story that emerged was the broken 3-year-old had been cared for by the now safe adult male and was keeping her hidden in the corner of my left eye. I know it sounds weird. Obviously something was creating danger but may have been a cry for help I hadn't heard in the last accident. The upcoming cataract surgery on my left eye was causing "fear of destruction". With internal work I was able to safely have her moved from my eye and felt the movement into my ear and then a beautiful healing moment.

The adult male was part of Spencer, my inner wisdom, and the 3-year-old was released to be with my female protector, "Emmie". It felt like freedom...free spirit. Wonderful feeling.

When I first began processing with images, I feared feeling all the hurt and pain the 3-year-old had borne. When I felt nothing but genuine happiness, I knew the adult with her had been helping her heal and preparing her for that moment. The feeling of happiness and even joy has remained with me. It feels like a permanent change in emotional strength. Several times I've received bad news and other things have happened that, in the past, would have knocked down into the depression pit. I have sufficient emotional strength to feel sad about those things but move on in spite of it.

Recently, I joined several girlfriends for a girl's night out...my first truly social event with my friends since 2007. Everyone commented on how happy I seemed and I genuinely felt joy the entire evening. This is not to say I am completely healed, although I wish I were. Yesterday I hit a curb while driving causing my tire to explode and stranding me in a not so safe area. I was able to call AAA and my fiance who, bless his heart, jumped in his car to come to my aid. I was terrified being alone waiting for anyone to arrive. Coping skills, coping skills.

Still have some work to do but am very pleased to be at a new positive emotional place in my life. I do hope it lasts. Being or having this level of happiness feels like what all the pain of healing was meant to do.

P.S. The 3-year-old seems to have transformed into a young adult since my healing sets of late seem to show this part of me feeling the freedom.

Internal hospital room

Earlier in this blog I addressed the benefit to having dedicated rooms in your safe place to process various emotions or work through internal conflicts, as well as individual rooms for each alter settling in after making the choice to heal or be safe. Yesterday I wrote about a technique for helping to diffuse or identify harm intentions instilled in some alters. While some may not be in a place to use "The Halfway House" technique, there is a way to help some alters through use of a hospital room.

Sometimes an alter feels most safe in a hospital or feels a need to be in a hospital to prevent certain behaviors. If you have adult caretakers and/or protectors who are available for 24-hour protection and care, an alter can check into the internal hospital to be assured of not having access to unsafe objects or body movements. Other safe alters can visit and the alter can stay as long s/he has a need. Of course you can adapt for more than one alter. Your only limitation is your imagination to provide what your insiders need.

Often those with DID refuse to go to the hospital for many reasons and "threaten" to switch to a very competent alter if 911 is called or whenever they must be interviewed by the hospital psychiatrist. I know this does happen as does just about every other therapist who works with survivors with DID. With an internal hospital room, I could be assured that the unsafe alter would stay in the hospital room until the next session.

You might know other reasons a hospital room would be beneficial. It could be decorated to be the most comforting to the alter. Littles can have bright colors and lots of toys. Adults might prefer a sterile hospital white environment while others might want it to look the least like a hospital room and protectors not to look like doctors or nurses. You get to make your own rules.

Today I had a check up with my family doctor and the nurse had a Chip n' Dale cartoon scrubs top on. Made me giggle. I'd want that in the real world all the time for medical staff!

A great coping skill

Most people with DID have no problem moving inside which makes guided imagery a great coping skill. I first learned of Belleruth Naparstek through my therapist as a tool for my clients. I acquired a basic collection and listened to each wanting to make sure I knew exactly what was being said and knowing it agreed with my own philosophy. I personally like the imagery for depression. The focus is on relaxing, safety, and good messages. It's not about depression as much as moving away from that place in your mind.

Many of my clients loved the CDs (which are now available as Mp3 downloads). Most fell asleep to them. What I most love about these programs is that it is fine to fall asleep because the subconscious will still hear the good messages. I have the ones I personally use on my iPod. I just got the CD for preparing for surgery because of an upcoming sinus surgery and my total lack of energy to go through another surgery. That's how much I believe Belleruth can help me. (I just learned of the Mp3 availability getting the link for this article!)

The CDs are focused on various issues. Some CDs are very similar. I personally prefer the depression "journey" to the anxiety one. Both accomplish the same goal...relaxation. A great one for later in healing is Healing Trauma (PTSD). It's overload if early in healing. Initially I listened to one CD at least twice a day, with once being at bedtime. If IBS is an issue, it is an excellent CD for anyone with not only IBS, but pain in the pelvic or intestinal area. I used it for healing throughout my surgeries when I had Stage IV endometriosis that impacted the entire pelvic area.

Most CDs are under $20. The Mp3 downloads are about $12. I'm sure you will find your favorites. If you don't know where to start, choose the one for coping with Depression. Then listen to whatever CD you choose. Listen to it when you are sad or depressed. Listen to it just to relax. It's good for your mind and body not to be focused on what needs to heal every minute of the day. The shift into quiet mind is healing without the work, and a much needed skill simply for life.

The CDs are available on Amazon.com as well as healthjourneys. The breathing technique used in the imagery is a good skill to use anytime you need to wind down a notch or two. Am hoping Belleruth's voice becomes as soothing to you as it remains to me.

Creating internal healing space

One of the remarkable aspects of a multiple is the ability to create or modify their internal world to facilitate healing. Each multiple will have his or her own creation. Only that person can tell you what is there...what is seen, heard, changing, growing, etc. Much of healing revolves around the survivor's ability to work with the internal world.

What I'm offering here are both techniques suggested by others working with DID and/or what was implemented in my own internal world to help. I had about two years before I had a therapist. My healing was guided internally. I researched, read, joined safe online support groups. I realized I had already created quite an intricate safe place where *I* lived with my protectors. It was heavily guarded with security systems and I always had "bodyguard" protectors when I ventured outside (meaning outside of the safe place of my internal world or outside into the real world). Before finding my therapist, I already had an anger room, a very calming zen-like place, and a very large living room where I sometimes met others who were healing and were safe to meet.

An anger room is an internal place for any identity to use as a safe release for anger. As a therapist, I would have survivors create the rules of the safe place. Often the rules would include: no one can hurt themselves intentionally or accidentally, a protector needed to be present for littles or adults with self harm thoughts, lots of pillows and stuffed animals, walls made of something soft. Additions might be to soundproof the internal room so as not to upset others overhearing the words yelled out. No limit on words yelled or ability to scream. I would ask if the survivor might like a peaceful room connected to the anger room to go and curl up and cry or just to rest after the anger release. Many chose that option.

It was by working with others, I realized internal safety always had to be insured. One person created the anger room and threw glass into trash cans to hear the sound. Then she told me the glass had cut her leg. (The alter was experiencing being hurt internally.) From that point on it was glass that turned into pixie dust or similar harmless substance so it could never hurt anyone.

Sarah Krakauer's book, Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder, suggests an Anger Rock exercise which worked very well with clients. Her book has healing ideas that either therapists can use or survivors might adapt for themselves.

Because a survivor's safe place might take many forms, either an existing room might be used or a new room added to the structure for the healing purposes. Internal landscapes can also include outdoor settings such as a meadow, mountains, streams, the ocean. Anything soothing is good. Once a new healing place exists, all identities who would like to share in the new place are invited. I always had the survivor implement the rule that only identities who would honor the rule of peaceful cooperation could join. (If needed, a protector could enforce the rule.)

One aspect I found helpful as a new identity came forward who wanted to move into the safe place was he or she (regardless of age) could create their own room. Littles always knew exactly what they wanted. They could have as many toys or comfort objects as desired. Some littles wanted a door but kept open a little. Some wanted the privacy of a locked door (which was allowed as long as it was privacy for safe activities). Very interesting to hear what each created. Once the new self state was in the new room, the host would generally return saying the new one was in the room and okay.

Another important special room is the safe place for littles. A room inside a room without windows and several protectors. Lots of toys and activities. This is where littles could go if they were afraid of anything going on outside of the body and where the host could request the littles go if "adult only" activity were being conducted. That could mean going to work, being mom, engaging in behavior not appropriate for littles, etc.

At another time, I'd like to share how my protectors helped me to diffuse the self-harm, self-destruct alters. That internal room likely saved my life.