Surprise Uprising

Polyvore by Grace2244

My first active suicidal attempt was the month after the father died (March 2011) for which I spent about a month inpatient undoing the programming. Last year, I was preparing for deep healing in Sedona. But, this year, in March after the previous post, I overdosed again. I’d been integrated since May 2013. It was quite a shock that yet another program popped up seemingly randomly three years after father death. Since it was entirely different alters, I knew it wasn’t the same. I jumped back into weekly therapy. However, since two overdoses had failed, images of a much worse method of death overwhelmed me. I was terrified a part would come out and act on the visions. Fortunately, I was able to go inpatient. It wasn’t the same facility as last time.

This time I saw a psychiatrist daily including weekends and a therapist three times a week. After ten days, my programming suddenly came undone. I spent the first ten days identifying the program and who was involved. It was the father introject. I had healed one but it didn’t look my father. He represented my father. This new one looked and acted internally as the external scary father. Very terrifying inside to encounter. I learned to communicate with the perp parts differently than I normally communicated with parts. In the past, I received messages through collages and internal answers. The father introject spoke to me through non-dominant hand journaling and his answers were that of “I am commander of the world and you will die.”

I knew his army wanted to escape but feared him. In the past, I have changed dangerous suicidal parts into harmless seahorses. I don’t know why seahorses went with my father but they did. I was partial to the peaceful leafy sea dragon. While collaging, I realized I wanted to change the new father introject into a baby hippo. I was able to accomplish that with help from inside. The hippo was to remain a baby. The littles loved him. Even I could love him in that form.

Once the father introject became the hippo and moved to the healed side, insiders were able to rescue his hostages, also programmed to carry out harm programming, and all his army found their way to underground tunnels leading to an internal safe place. Many details being skipped but I do have a very intricate internal world. On Day 10, I told the psychiatrist I had undone everything and felt safe and calm inside. He suggested we wait until the next day while I try to examine the healing to make sure it was secure. I received two forms of validation overnight proving I had healed. That was my second Saturday and discharge was planned for Monday.

Even though my programming came undone safely in 2011, I hadn’t learned the skills to help suicidal parts in the future to heal. Of course, I also didn’t think I’d have any more. This time I was told the death of a perp can wreak havoc on the system of someone with DID, especially with the sophistication of my system. No expert was able to say if or when it might happen again. I came away with good skills for identifying early in the process when harm activity is beginning and how to communicate with them to help them heal as well as work with my therapist. I had been missing a most necessary skill set.

This is my healing process. I don’t know that everyone with DID working with suicidal/harm parts needs to find a different way to work with them. I’m sharing that this is what I had to do and I feel much more prepared for future activity. In fact, since coming home, I noticed an unsettling feeling. One of the alters identified in the harm programming was missed. He was able to hide during the rescue. I began to journal to him and have also established internal communication without journaling. I’ll be able to tell my therapist next week. He has begun to come around to understanding he has a choice of not to carry out his job and the person he feared in not doing his job was no longer active.

As an aside, the morning after I got home, I heard “hippo campus” as in where the hippo now lived but it is also the name of part of the brain. In looking up hippocampus, the first sentence was my complete validation and synchronicity. That part of the brain is often viewed as in the shape of a seahorse. Now we know.

And On It Goes...

 

Polyvore by Grace2244

After my May 2013 integration, I thought all alters and programming were behind me. I've done well on the 30 mg of Cymbalta. Happy with husband and a spunky new puppy. Unexpectedly, on a previously highly triggering date (2/22), a part I thought had healed took control and I overdosed. 

Back into therapy. I think that program has been dismantled. It involved three alters and am hoping that's all. My beliefs about fully healing have shifted. Can never know when an event or date had been preordained to trigger a self harm program. 

In my case, because I've outlived all my death programming, I'm afraid that's all that is left. Must live aware of the least sign and call therapist instead of thinking I can deal with things on my own at this point. It may be a lifelong endeavor but am hoping such incidents are fewer and farther between.

Shocked...Stunned...Speechless

Just when I thought my life of processing new memories was slowing down, I stumbled on a very conscious connection that had me trembling and once again wondering about my life. I woke up yesterday morning (8/8/12) trapped in a very upsetting nightmare. Repeatedly I have had dreams and nightmares where my life in Iran (1964-1967, ages 12-15) clashes with my adult working life. Yesterday I was so stuck between awake and being pulled back into my subconscious, it took me hours to get grounded. I even took a small dose of anti-anxiety because my head was so tight.

For answers or at least processing, I went to Polyvore collecting images of places I remembered about Iran. While doing so, I was led to many articles about the CIA's involvement in installing the Shah and making him their puppet. Agreements were made to appease the Shah by committing U.S. military aid. It is my belief that all of the military families and families of U.S. dignitaries, oil companies, and other U.S. government contractors had a father or family member who was connected to an intelligence agency. My friends at school were likely to have been raised as I was, although I have no proof of that.

Iran saw much unrest in 1963. Negotiations were made with the Shah in hopes of keeping him from allying with the Soviet Union. My family moved there in mid-1964. In researching the events leading up to the coup in 1963 that allowed the Shah to reign, I was led to Kermit Roosevelt, Jr., a U.S. spy placed undercover in Iran. What caught my attention was he went to work for Gulf Oil after retiring as a spy. The father of one of my close school friends in Iran also worked for Gulf Oil (although I didn't know if he worked for Gulf Oil while in Iran...but knew at least in 1974). I adored her father because he was so loving to his daughters...something I didn't have at home.

I was fortunate to reunite with several friends in the U.S. in my late teens and early 20s whom I'd met in Iran. I recall visiting her in Reston, Virginia where she was living with her father. I had no idea he built the town of Reston. It was there that I knew he was an executive for Gulf Oil. I even visited just the father several times when I was stationed in the Washington DC area after I left the Air Force in the early 70s. That memory prompted me to Google Russell McNutt.

My heart stopped before it felt like it was going to leap out of my chest. He had been identified as a KGB agent fairly recently and his history as a spy went back to the 1940s and The Manhattan Project. He was an engineer involved with processing uranium among other things. In the 60s, Iran was also beginning it's foray into nuclear energy. The fact that he had been recruited by Julius Rosenberg, who had been executed with his wife for espionage, and had escaped prosecution was rather terrifying. Although McNutt had been questioned, no evidence had been found of any criminal activity at the time of the Rosenberg arrests.

My first trauma memory of Russia is late 1964 which is validated by my report card indicating I was absent more than half of that semester from school...while still managing to earn all A's and no comment about my long absence. Yesterday's stunning revelation was completely conscious. I knew Russell McNutt. I loved Russell McNutt. But is there more? My memories from over the years tell me I was somehow connected to U.S., British, and Russian intelligence. Now I have validation I had first hand contact with a KBG agent. Was he a handler or worse? Did he train one of my Russian alters or all of my Russian alters? I may never know.

Russell McNutt died in early 2008 at age 93 a wealthy man living in the U.S. He evaded capture his entire life. He was contacted in 2007 when the KGB documents and Freedom of Information Act allowed new facts to surface about a spy previously only known by a code name. McNutt declined to speak with them.

I had tried to re-initiate contact with him by letter in the 80s or 90s by letter after finding his address online. He never responded so I stopped trying. I only knew him as a funny loving man, adored father of my friend. I only knew of trips he made to London on business where he'd buy the top songs on 45 records for us to hear months before they made it to the U.S. Armed Forces radio station.

Validation of having known a KGB agent up close and personal brings many feelings and unanswered questions. I know questions will only be answered if they leak through my amnesia. My feelings are confusion, betrayal (?), sadness. My conscious life once again is proven to have been surrounded by a public life with invisible underground connections. Nothing about him said spy or anything but a very nice man. But I did continue to seek him out even when his daughter, my friend, was an adult no longer living with him. I knew his new wife. His obituary says they had been married 36 years and she survived him. In Iran, I had known and loved his first wife as well. She felt like a second mother to me. Unfortunately, his first wife passed away in 1981.

A part of me is relieved he lived without capture and lived a very comfortable life. The rest of me is waiting for the next shoe to drop. Was yesterday's discovery preparation for the subconscious memories to arrive? Because of the original issue, the clash of Iran and my adult working world, I can only assume I was taught something in Iran that carried over into my adult work world. To this point, my only clear realization is I did something with stocks and bonds and/or foreign exchange. I also have a clear message that the U.S. and Russia were working together in the underground during the Cold War so possibly contact with both was for the same "side". How unsettling.

Yesterday I did several sets to process what was in my head on Polyvore. Each set included the same element as is at the top of this set. (I did not notice what I'm about to disclose until all the sets had been done and then I found the research on Russell A. McNutt.)

The element was the word IRAN except the N is changing to a Q. In each Polyvore set I covered up the Q with an object, consciously thinking I was just making sure the word IRAN was clear. The message in looking at my sets after being led to my friend's father became this: In most turning objects, the letter before is usually the one preceding it in the alphabet. M would precede the N if it were an alphabetical cylinder. McNutt's initials were R.A.M.  The three spheres indicate the focus of the word. When the realization makes me scream, I know I have the answer. Very early in my Polyvore life, four years ago, I did a set on Russia. Front and lower center is that same gun. In clue terms it connects Russia to Iran and McNutt. Do I really want to know more?

Feel free to do your own research on the names provided above. Other trustworthy sources are available. Worlds really do collide.

Art Therapy In Progress

I am still reeling from this discovery of a part of me called Floating Grace. She began with an item in a Polyvore set made for me by a friend who is not a survivor. I connected with it immediately. After adopting her, I first added a face and made her my own item, adding wings in the next set.

Have been going through quite a time with flashbacks and body memories and strange internal messages and being led to new information online since about July 1. I see my last entry was exactly one month ago...if that means anything.

Here is the evolution of Floating Grace through art:

Nursery Time by grace2244 (missing polytime) featuring Annina Vogel necklaces

***Floating Grace by grace2244 (missing polytime) on Polyvore.com

***Pieces of Memory by grace2244 (missing polytime) on Polyvore.com

Such Absurdities by grace2244 (missing polytime) on Polyvore.com

Untitled by grace2244 (missing polytime) featuring Tarina Tarantino jewelry

Floating Grace...again by grace2244 (missing polytime) on Polyvore.com

Interesting how the cartoonish item had the black and white. Dots seemed to go with her before the child image was found. And the TOP SECRET and CLASSIFIED font is black and white. I think Floating Grace knows things I may not ever really know for safety reasons. But I am able to connect her dots through researching clues on the internet.

Discovery of Marnie - Evolution of Internal Self

(40/50) Goddess of the Sea by grace2244 (tag lag) on Polyvore.com

Alter Ego by grace2244 (tag lag) on Polyvore.com

Out of the Blue by grace2244 (tag lag) on Polyvore.com

***Marnie by grace2244 (tag lag) on Polyvore.com

I wish I could easily find my first magazine images of Marnie...long dark hair, always near water. And my obsession with the 1964 Alfred Hitchcock movie Marnie with Tippie Hedron and Sean Connery pre-James Bond days. I was in 5th grade and it was when theaters allowed you to stay for as many showings as you wanted. I stayed there for three shows before knowing I had to go home.

After knowing I had DID, I found a used DVD online and found it just as riveting but also understood the great attraction...Marnie had trauma in her childhood, amnesia for the event, obsessive behaviors, fear of men, and PTSD.  Part of me knew I needed to remember that movie. Finding a part named Marnie made all of that fall into place.

These past few days I watched a "new" (unidentified) Polyvore image emerge as a part of me. Just this morning I got the internal message she was Marnie. I believe she is the part of me who makes sure I'm at my aquatics therapy sessions three times a week. It is helping bring back all the muscles that atrophied since the surgeries of 2007-2008.

I had noted to my life partner that something happens that I go from slug to total motivation when it's time to get ready for therapy. It truly feels like a different energy and now explains why I often blank out while driving to rehab. Marnie loves the water. I guess I helped her heal and now she's helping me to heal.

Thought it was interesting that the gorgeous "portrait" of her beneath the sea was the earliest Polyvore set, not knowing who she was. But here she is now nearly a year later coming forward. I had an even earlier set of her that was not as artistic where she was rescuing my soul (a little girl) from a locked chest on the bottom of the sea.

Am hoping this is helpful to those with DID. Answers come in no particular order and at times when no meaning is attached. I've been going to aquatherapy for two months and she just know is letting me know it's her. Kinda cool...I think.

Illusion of consciousness

Thought this was interesting. Have done this many ways beginning with my old collages. It seems to have more impact with the Polyvore collage:


Illusion of consciousness - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I'm beyond 100 collages and seem to be moving toward the earlier memories. Not very settling. Still feeling frozen to refocus on any other project until the fusion "flood" is documented. Please forgive my long delays between posts.

An expert explains Tara and DID

Showtime went the extra mile by producing an informative and entertaining interview with an expert on DID about the lead character of The United States of Tara. The interview is on Showtime's website. The International Society for the Study of Trauma & Dissociation (ISSTD) also went the extra mile by devoting part of their website to the Showtime television series.

Dr. Richard Kluft is viewed as one of the country's foremost experts on DID. He provides balance to Tara (entertainment and creative value versus reality). In Grace Uncensored I have expressed my view that it is not often someone with DID will have such dramatic switches. Dr. Kluft confirms my insight. He also provides realistic statistics about the prevalence of DID. Personally, I love his comments at the end of the video relative to what he hopes the audience takes away from the series.

Some dialog on the show alludes to Tara going off medication which had been keeping her alters in check because the medication made her feel zombified. In reality, there is no medication that controls alters. However, if someone with DID is given medication so strong that it does "zombify" (misdiagnosed DID treated with medication for schizophrenia), it can have the impact of shutting the person down. A person with DID cannot heal unless alters can be active. As Dr. Kluft explains, most with DID go through life without ever being detected as DID because changes are so subtle. Perhaps that aspect will be explained or corrected in a future episode through collaboration with the consultants.

In watching the previews for future shows, Tara definitely reveals the emotional pain and anguish that goes with having DID and trying maintain a loving marriage and family. The show has minor flaws but overall is educational, touching, and entertaining. It does not make light of DID as some had feared. Bravo to Showtime!

Alters who speak other languages

The thought just occurred to me that possibly what others used to call "speaking in tongues" was DID with an alter speaking an actual foreign language. Anyway, I spoke of needing a German and Russian dictionary to fully understand some of my collages and internal clues. I would hear a word repeatedly in my head. Sometimes it would sound like an English word. If not, I'd check both dictionaries. It's possible one of me knows French, but that has never been confirmed. The first three years of my life were in Germany and I have no doubt I had German and/or Operation Paperclip "trainers". The words that came up were single words or a short phrase only. Something a young child could understand.

I've relayed this next bit of my history before but is worth repeating here. I was determined to enter the military. In 1972, I was successful in being accepted into the Air Force despite my lack of 1/2" height. Career choices were not made until about the fourth week of basic training. My recollection is auto mechanic, file clerk, or Russian interpreter. I'd been a secretary and wanted more adventure than a mechanic, so I chose the latter. I had no conscious knowledge of Russian. The first day of class we were given a language test to see our level of comprehension, if any. I scored an 85. The next closest score was in the 60s. Everyone stared at me. I was clueless. At the end of the course, I was told that, at the time, I spoke with the best Moscovian accent the school director had heard before by an American. Always got good grades in school so didn't think much of it.

Fast forward to the late 90s when memories began and I discovered a system of Russian alters. I still don't know when I actually learned the language in my dissociated world. I'm fairly positive I was in Russia for "space camp" when I was 11 turning 12 (end of 1964).

I'm confirming that other multiples who recall "knowing" another language without ever taking conscious lessons is not a far stretch at all. In my memories, FWIW, the U.S. was cooperating with Russia in 1964 even though the rest of the world believed there was a Cold War. My reality of history is very different from the written version.

If you are a survivor and see words in collages in a foreign language, don't dismiss them, especially if you see the language turn up over a period of time. Communication Arts is a good source on that topic because they have annual photography and illustration issues with submissions worldwide. Next post (if I remember to check here) will be about what you use as images. The collage "Project Mayhem" which appears two posts before this one has the words "everything matters". That is very true for our healing process.

Project Mayhem

Some may recall the movie Fight Club. The storyline includes Brad Pitt as an alter of Edward Norton. From my perspective, the entire movie looked like the inside world of someone who was multiple. I'm not sure all main characters smoked, but both Brad Pitt and Helene Bonham Carter's characters were chain smokers. Brad, as Tyler, begins Project Mayhem to raise hell with the city government (as I recall). Why am I talking about Fight Club?

A recent post in Grace Uncensored spoke of the cigarette and/or cigar burns that occur as body memories and have never stopped throughout my healing. I recall having painful "sores" before memories. I just didn't tell anyone I had a problem I couldn't explain. My therapist and I agreed to work on undoing any residual programming in case the burns are the result of a kind of self-harm conditioning. That would mean an alter or alters are creating whatever chemical responses in my body are necessary to cause the painful blisters that always are in my genital area.

Last night I felt a blister begin in a very painful spot. I'm angry today that I haven't been able to stop this before now. With all the collages, I wondered what would happen if I just started putting pictures of cigarettes and cigars on a blank collage page. Not that anyone needs to understand the meaning of everything, but I was able to see the alter who is responsible for the burns or who has the answer to stop it. The burning of my very sensitive orifices began shortly after I was born, if not immediately after my birth. It may have been the first consistent trauma (painful sensation) to cause a split.

I couldn't get the answer by asking inside, but those with the answers in fused me were able to show me who was responsible for my distress and much more with art therapy. I'm still in awe of the synchronicity of finding Polyvore website so soon after the fusion but before the new brain connections began to overflow.

Clearly, you can see from the collage, it was not okay to be a girl.


Project Mayhem by grace2244

Do littles grow up?

Much confusion surrounds alters and healing. One question often heard is whether littles (young alters) grow up. Several circumstances may happen for a little in the realm of healing.

A little might always remain a little, which is fine. The objective for any little is for him/her to heal. You want to know a transformation has happened from traumatized little to content, playful, or happy little. The reality is some may remain scared especially around certain triggers, but they know they are safe now. By using magazine images, I could clearly see when a little healed. Others can see clearly in their minds when an alter has any change in appearance or mannerism. My first preteen client used to draw how her alters looked after they were healed to acknowledge them.

It is possible for the same alter to appear as several ages. It's unlikely you will find all at once. Finding another alter with the same name is a good clue. And they will know inside they are connected. I have Lucy as the little girl in my first art blog, as a young woman, and as a woman in her 30s. I don't know why Lucy seems to have ceased to exist at what seemed to be age 5-7 until late teens or early 20s. Possibly perps called her back out when the body was older. Although different ages of alters don't necessary correlate to the age of the body.

Soon I will do several images of an "older" female protector who I realize now was only an infant/toddler, an introject (?) of my little sister who had no hair until she was about 3 years old. My alter was always shown as bald. Many of my youngest memories included the "bald" female protector.

I suppose it is possible for all alters representing the same person to decide to blend or merge or whatever word you want to use. As far as I know, that did not happen with me. The different ages had their own stories. Little Lucy reintegrated with Audrey when they healed (the two were originally one).

I did have a little who grew up. There was an exponentially faster rate of growing up internally than in the real world. The little 5-year-old integrated in a very emotional letting go for both of us. She turned up about a year later as an adult protector providing me with much information. I was thrilled to see her back. Don't ask how I knew it was her. Messages happen.

Whatever happens when a survivor heals is right for that survivor. No rules apply. The transformation of healing can take on many variations. Usually amazing things happen for a survivor during the healing of an alter who was active as a victim of much abuse.

Littles missed out on being loved and cherished and protected unconditionally. They missed out on safe play and safe touch and having anything of their own. Healed littles, I believe, become the basis for what singletons know as their inner child. Even in ego state therapy with those who have never experienced trauma, the child ego state is complex and incudes several child parts. I believe I have one integral...main...inner child and most of the others healed into her. I seem to have about three littles who make up the entirety of my inner child.

Perhaps readers know of the movie Fight Club. The first rule of fight club is not to talk about fight club. We have a DID "club" here. The first rule of DID club is that there are no rules to each survivor's healing process. You can't compare what happens for you to any other survivor. As long as you are moving toward healing, you're doing well.

The mind-boggling realization

The Blooming Lotus addressed this topic yesterday. It reminded me of how earth-shattering my realization was...and how it resulted in a breakdown before I was able to accept the truth and what it meant to my life. I was about a year into my healing before this moment of clarity so those who are not at least that far along in healing, be forewarned.

The level of abuse beginning in infancy ensures shattering of the mind. Not all who have DID have the birth child (a/k/a "the core") go into hiding. If the abuse becomes so constant and overwhelming, however, the core goes into hiding and lets the alters take over the life. Part of adult healing is for the core to resurface and participate in the current life in whatever form is right for the individual. That means the person who is healing from the abuse is an alter. One alter of however many were created by the abuse intentionally and unintentionally. My personal belief is that several of my protectors created their own system for healing one day. If not, it means abusers created alters that had their own wills and did what they wanted inside instead of following out of fear and intimidation.

A child whose perpetrators have sophisticated knowledge of deliberately inducing dissociation (and there is documentation that this was being done), will have far more dissociated selves than a child who splits from extreme abuse by one or two maniacal parents. Numbers are irrelevant and no one should be judged on how many were created. What matters is that healing can happen regardless of numbers. The point is that one of that sizeable number is the conscious child. *I* have the conscious memory of my life. All formerly dissociated parts know the rest of the story or part of the rest of the story. And alters throughout the life of the victim/survivor take over for moments, or minutes, or hours, or days to block the conscious child from knowing what is dangerous to know.

Yesterday's post about facial and name recognition goes with this. During abuse, the alters are constantly threatened with revealing identities. I do know at least one survivor who recalls not being allowed to look at the faces of abusers. She could remember anyone's shoes though. I have many pictures of men's shoes in my collages. I could logically state they might be there for that reason but I don't have my own answer. Another survivor commented on yesterday's post that she sees through people or sees a blur or blob. That is likely an alter whose job it is to make sure she doesn't remember people. If a survivor has current safety, the alter causing that to happen can be acknowledged and offered healing or a new job of possibly helping the conscious self to remember.

In terms of being the conscious self of a dissociated entity, the realization is that the survivor's world has been controlled all along--what is seen, heard, remembered, known. My mind was trained to control me, for fear something awful would happen to them or me if they did not do their assigned jobs.

Being dissociative is weird, to say the least. Until I was 44, I had no clue as to any dissociation on my part. Everything was linked together in a way that I had absolutely no "leakage" of what went on in any dissociative state. I had several instances during my healing where conscious me had the experience of having been dissociative. In other words, I realized I had missed time, or had done something out of my awareness. My most recent experience was the highway hypnosis that had me "waking up" driving in an unknown area calling for the helicopter lift out of there. (That would be my SO.)

The strangest dissociative experience I had was a few years ago during a phone call with my SO. I usually monopolize the conversation and had been talking for several minutes. When I stopped, he said something totally irrelevant to what I had just asked. After some great confusion I realized I was seemingly talking (consciously hearing my own conversation), but another alter was having a different conversation with him. Obviously, a brain works very differently.

I don't recall the statistic, but humans usually use only a small percentage of their brain. Obviously sophisticated perps know how to tap into all that unused space. The mind is capable of amazing things. Too bad it is being used to hurt people. Why isn't that same knowledge available to help people with greater functioning?

Because of my healing, I no longer feel the disconnection of being an alter with no true choices or willpower. I feel empowered and connected although I still struggle with ongoing healing at a much slowed down pace...usually. Even when no longer DID, there is some dissociation.

One of my first collages shows a child lying in the grass...hidden alone. The words beneath the baby: A Strategic Alteration of Reality. Ain't that the truth.

The puzzle of memory

Anyone with DID who has gotten to the point of processing memories will likely relate to this at least from some perspective. Since it happens differently for everyone, I can only explain my experience. While not all agree with "everything in its own time", I began my healing process already completely trusting my protectors. I've already spoken about my magazine image collages which was an obsessive task for months. I always had the answer in a collage or collages after I had a memory. The first couple years I had no therapist. I'd usually have flashbacks at night and would run downstairs to my "art room" and fly through the collages in my triggered state to find the collage that told the story. I would see the context of my flashbacks and words that accompanied them.

If I didn't have a collage, I would go to my uncollaged images and watch myself frantically put a collage together. In retrospect it was just amazing. Always the right images. And the process of having that activity helped to calm me down after having the flashback or memory. I view a memory as coming through more like a movie whereas flashbacks are very quick images coming at me just long enough to see what was happening. The other aspect to cutting out images from magazines is it is a safe "cutting". I didn't realize that diversion until I was a therapist. I was overwhelmed with the realization at how much I "cut". Thank goodness!

Even though I have collages for all memories I've had, I don't know all of their meaning. And sometimes I'd go for a year or longer before getting another piece of one memory. I first had the Halloween memory 11/1/97 (also my first anniversary memory). And now "the rest of the story" (or at least another major messsage) 11 years later.

I wrote a few posts ago of the key components of that memory. The big yuck came up at the therapist's office. My mind always continues to process for at least several days after such an internal event. I went back to my collages to see if I saw anything new in meaning and I did. Even now, I still gasp when I see validation of what came up mentally. The answer was always there but I was not allowed to know it until now. Additionally, the memory began to help me make sense of part of my internal dynamic.

I have witnessed for myself and others that, once a memory comes up, there will be a kind of internal validation that what came up was true. Even if we don't understand all the details, the major objective of what the perps did comes through. Now that I'm into "advanced memory processing", I can step back and know that whatever I saw could have been real, a staged "trick", or both. At the time a "death" happened, it was internalized as real by the littles. And that's the emotion that needs to heal. That awful terror.

I had a memory earlier in my work about witnessing some trauma with my little sister shortly after her birth. I do have some conscious memory of my mother being pregnant with her. My mother used to tell me I would constantly speak of my unborn sister as "my baby". The Halloween memory was similar in content with my little sister being only 11 months old. (Hmmm...notice how 11 has come up twice now?) In the memory that continued in therapy, after I believed my sister had just been killed, my adult female alter whom I dearly loved during her time out with me, was made to do something awful to what we believed was my sister's little body. The trauma of doing that is what caused my adult alter to shatter.

The adult alter had a name that logically appeared to be connected to my sister. I had often wondered, if that were the case, why was my baby sister internalized as an adult protector? She was also the only protector alter who was extremely wounded. The first little I came to know after amnesia leaked through was Chloe. Chloe was very attached to Leelee. Chloe was the first little to integrate. When she did, Leelee became unconsolable because she no longer had Chloe to care for. She asked if she could go inside to be with her. Leelee moved inside and I watched through images over the next year how Leelee healed to be a beautiful woman.

Leelee's images before her healing showed her as bald and naked. Always suffering. The messages I recently received were that Leelee WAS my baby sister (no hair, a baby, and traumatized). How did she become my "adult" protector? The answer I now understand is she protected me from death on the day she "died" instead of me. I had wanted consciously to hold and protect my little sister at age 3. This memory is from age 4. Organized pedophilia rules don't allow conscious bonding. They want their victims isolated even within family. Subconsciously we were pitted against each other explaining my terror for her and her aggressiveness in real life to both my older sister and me. But inside, we loved each other dearly and that continues.

I don't know if it was intentional that Leelee became an internal wounded protector. I'll never know those kinds of things. But Leelee's shattering was the base for a main split in my system.

Being able to put all that together is somehow comforting now. It is this deep understanding of something inside following a memory that becomes validation of your truth. Leelee had such a tortured voice and spoke with the alphabet. "A" is for ____, "B" is for ____. Usually the words in the blanks were those she heard from the abusers. She went with pictures of alphabets and blocks with letters on them. The image with this post is dedicated to Leelee.

You will find your own validation. It is not necessary to find outside validation. If that happens, great. Just know that your healing from a memory of horror is the proof. Remembering your own horror can resolve PTSD issues that arose with that event in your life. Most people hearing or viewing what we routinely see as memories would be traumatized by such images. It is counterintuitive that survivors would heal from remembering the horror. The rest of the world would likely be upset to see what we see as a memory in a horror movie. Because "no one would EVER do that to a child". Right? Yeah, right.

Getting to know you

I've mentioned collages or art or cutting out pictures a number times. Some survivors use images very effectively to process memories even though much is not known consciously as to its meaning. It can be enormously helpful when memories surface and/or a new alter surfaces. Alters will choose pictures to identify themselves. It's an exercise in system cooperation as well. Go through magazines and grab any picture where you get a feeling that you must have the image. Don't worry if it doesn't make sense to you...such as an inanimate object or group of images. In going through magazines, alters will grab pictures that go with memories as well. I love that I had a visual identification for all of my alters.

Use unusual magazines like electronics, computer-related, art related. Communication Arts (at $53 a year) is a most valuable resource. I kept subscriptions for my clients to use. Often, entire collages were made of images from that magazine. Individual copies are available in news stores or bookstores, but one issue is probably about $18-$20. If you look through a copy in the store, you will see what I mean. Their photography annual and illustration annual are ripe with strange and bizarre images that go with stuff that can express the experience of having been abused by organized pedophiles. I would justify the cost of an annual subscription as less than the cost of one therapy session.

My hairdresser used to know I was in the waiting room because she could hear me "secretly" tearing photos out of her magazines. When you see a picture you need, you HAVE to have it. lol. You can always make note of the issue and get hold of one at the store. Sometimes libraries and doctors offices have old magazines they are happy to turn over. And don't forget the parenting magazines for baby and child pictures and a few teen magazines for teen alters. Greeting cards are more expensive now, but I found a number of littles on Anne Geddes cards and in the images of children done in black and white with a splash of color. I don't recall the photographer or artist.

Keep in mind that sometimes metaphor is used to portray a memory. So a particular item or animal may appear over and over throughout collages or pictures. When the time comes, your system will let you know the meaning. Everything in its own time. Today I was going through one of my binders of images and a picture of a rabbit is on the cover of one along with other images. These are the words written next to the rabbit which is a beautiful carving in stone:

"In many Native American traditions, the rabbit is a symbol of fear, yet an old story tells that rabbit used to be a great warrior. Use this...to help you conquer your fears. Let the rabbit remind you of where you have been (trapped in your fears) and know that, just like the rabbit, you have a Spiritual warrior hidden within, beneath your fears, waiting to help you claim a passionate new way of being."

Creating internal healing space

One of the remarkable aspects of a multiple is the ability to create or modify their internal world to facilitate healing. Each multiple will have his or her own creation. Only that person can tell you what is there...what is seen, heard, changing, growing, etc. Much of healing revolves around the survivor's ability to work with the internal world.

What I'm offering here are both techniques suggested by others working with DID and/or what was implemented in my own internal world to help. I had about two years before I had a therapist. My healing was guided internally. I researched, read, joined safe online support groups. I realized I had already created quite an intricate safe place where *I* lived with my protectors. It was heavily guarded with security systems and I always had "bodyguard" protectors when I ventured outside (meaning outside of the safe place of my internal world or outside into the real world). Before finding my therapist, I already had an anger room, a very calming zen-like place, and a very large living room where I sometimes met others who were healing and were safe to meet.

An anger room is an internal place for any identity to use as a safe release for anger. As a therapist, I would have survivors create the rules of the safe place. Often the rules would include: no one can hurt themselves intentionally or accidentally, a protector needed to be present for littles or adults with self harm thoughts, lots of pillows and stuffed animals, walls made of something soft. Additions might be to soundproof the internal room so as not to upset others overhearing the words yelled out. No limit on words yelled or ability to scream. I would ask if the survivor might like a peaceful room connected to the anger room to go and curl up and cry or just to rest after the anger release. Many chose that option.

It was by working with others, I realized internal safety always had to be insured. One person created the anger room and threw glass into trash cans to hear the sound. Then she told me the glass had cut her leg. (The alter was experiencing being hurt internally.) From that point on it was glass that turned into pixie dust or similar harmless substance so it could never hurt anyone.

Sarah Krakauer's book, Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder, suggests an Anger Rock exercise which worked very well with clients. Her book has healing ideas that either therapists can use or survivors might adapt for themselves.

Because a survivor's safe place might take many forms, either an existing room might be used or a new room added to the structure for the healing purposes. Internal landscapes can also include outdoor settings such as a meadow, mountains, streams, the ocean. Anything soothing is good. Once a new healing place exists, all identities who would like to share in the new place are invited. I always had the survivor implement the rule that only identities who would honor the rule of peaceful cooperation could join. (If needed, a protector could enforce the rule.)

One aspect I found helpful as a new identity came forward who wanted to move into the safe place was he or she (regardless of age) could create their own room. Littles always knew exactly what they wanted. They could have as many toys or comfort objects as desired. Some littles wanted a door but kept open a little. Some wanted the privacy of a locked door (which was allowed as long as it was privacy for safe activities). Very interesting to hear what each created. Once the new self state was in the new room, the host would generally return saying the new one was in the room and okay.

Another important special room is the safe place for littles. A room inside a room without windows and several protectors. Lots of toys and activities. This is where littles could go if they were afraid of anything going on outside of the body and where the host could request the littles go if "adult only" activity were being conducted. That could mean going to work, being mom, engaging in behavior not appropriate for littles, etc.

At another time, I'd like to share how my protectors helped me to diffuse the self-harm, self-destruct alters. That internal room likely saved my life.

How it works (being aware of the dangers)

Several life shaking concepts surface in conjunctioin with memories leaking through. Being DID is one. Realizing you are DID because someone did horrible things to you for likely at least several years when you were very young is another whammy. My memories began with father abuse. The people in robes didn't come up until later and I knew it was my father and his friends...not demons, although one could argue they were. Then came memories for intentionally perpetrated harm for specific tasks.

Here's the cover within the cover. Memories of being in some kind of "ceremonial" group that are very similar to what was done to create the job(s) to be exploited are very similar. For example, one will be done to a child alter so that emotional hypertrauma shrouds another alter being trained to manipulate men through sexual ploy(s). In this scenario something like being raped by a "demon" might overshadow training for how to drug a "trick" and steal his money. Because it's all about the money. I want my share of whatever I earned. To pay for my years of therapy. To put in my retirement fund so I don't have to worry for having missed over five years of work healing from the harm. For the emotional harm and having my will zapped so decisions were never really my own.

You can see how there is an investment of time and training for each victim, initially in the form of a child with jobs that transition as the child ages into a teen and then into an adult. This explains the manpower to interfere with a healing adult. They try to ensure loyalty to the group along with terror of telling and terror of getting help because one person healing means a loss of money to the group.

What are likely to surface are messages to let someone specific know you are healing or to go to a specific location where someone knows how to reinstate the dissociation, delaying any chance of healing. I did not have the experience my two actively abused clients continue to have. If I was followed to therapy, I didn't see it or remember it, thank goodness. But I did have "I think I'll go away for the weekend and hole up in a hotel to pamper myself." Or, an overwhelming urge to call someone from my past to include a family member. This happens in one child, one pedophile situations as well, if the pedophile knew how to use dissociation.

The best tactic when healing begins is to have a safe person. Someone who can tell you if you are being logical. Don't respond to any "spontaneous" thoughts to take a trip, visit someone, call, email or write someone you don't typically contact. Try to not answer any phone calls. Let them go to the answering machine or voicemail first. Many times, cues for alters to act are given over the phone. Because adults usually have full time jobs, their dissociated "job" would have been done at night.

Remember the unbelievability factor. You go to bed. The phone rings. You might answer the phone but an unhealed dissociated alter could respond to the cue which could be words, a sound (like a tone), both, or something else entirely. All you will remember is having a good night's sleep. *You* will be back in bed before the alarm goes off and be clueless as to any other activity. That's how life has been unless you were able to somehow disconnect through other conscious life events. Regardless, those messages surface when you heal if they were ingrained into your psyche during the trauma years.

Hopefully a survivor will be in therapy and work through these urges to call or visit to help the alters with those jobs to heal. Once the alter heals and no longer responds, the survivor heals from that particular cue. Who knows how many are inside with different jobs and cues. That will be different for each survivor. Just know it can be undone. Being very aware of the thoughts that spontaneously come up and grow into nagging, overwhelming thoughts is helpful.

You may have a few slip ups and might, for instance, send email to people thinking that "so and so should know"; but no harm is done (aside from being freaked out when you realize what you've done). The harm comes when an email is returned with a highly triggering phrase that may not click as a the source of feeling exceptionally sick or being overwhelmed with a desire to vacation in Tahiti or whatever comes up. It's following through on delivering yourself to a person or location that is dangerous. They never came to drag me away. They counted on my ingrained messages to work. They counted on a cued adult alter to drive the body to them.

If in doubt, don't do it. Have someone trustworthy in your life do reality checks for you regarding trips or visits. Even conferences or seminars in your conscious life might be used as opportunities for dissociated jobs or, once healing begins, being drawn back into that world. Having someone accompany you to stay overnight to make sure you don't go wandering out after bedtime and to answer phone calls is strongly recommended. I guess that's as thorough as I can be for this format. Safety first.

"Waking up"

Sometimes a single pedophile with knowledge of DID can create messages within alters for when the child begins to heal, whether in childhood or much later in adulthood. Those in the early stages of healing need to understand certain messages that might be dangerous.

Here is one of the unbelievability factors of this sophisticated abuse. An alter or even group of alters can hold messages that do not "trigger" or come to consciousness until a certain date or time or event. The big event is beginning to remember. Not only do many messages of fear of being killed come up, often very strong messages of self harm surface. Pedophiles do not want their victims remembering.

If the survivor lives beyond those initial self destruction messages, there may be "back up" messages. Aside from self-destruction, the perp, if still alive, will want to know their former (or possibly still current) victim has begun to remember. When healing becomes known, the survivor may feel overwhelmed with family trying to invalidate memories, malign any therapy, encouraging the adult child to move back home "to heal", etc. The danger in being around family if any family member comes up in abuse memories is to maintain distance until more of the life unremembered reveals itself. Trust your gut if you sense fear about being around anyone who has been in your life until further along in healing.

The complexity of this issue is difficult to address briefly. Suffice it to say, survivors have many obstacles to overcome just to be able to focus on healing from the abuse as opposed to preventing the self from responding to subconscious cues. Cues and triggers can come from inside as well as outside. However, it has been my experience that alters believe their job is to help the host. Somehow the perp will have convinced the alter that the job is helping. A quick example: One alter may hold a very strong message of suicide at the time of remembering. The "logic" would be that the suicide protects the host from even greater harm believed will be inflicted on the host for remembering. Most alters in the system of a person abused by a sophisticated pedophile will have a job. While it may feel differently in early healing, there are no bad alters--only alters with yucky jobs. All have the capacity to heal.

I do not believe all parts of a system are impacted. Some survivors have protectors who do not hold the trauma but know of the trauma and can indeed help from within. Some in the psychological community disagree that any alter can escape the impact of the trauma. I must take exception. My experience was several protectors who "knew/know everything" and were witnesses but not participants in the trauma. Other survivors have had this experience as well. I learned quickly to trust that knowledge to include guiding what I needed to remember and when. For me, that was the foundation of my waking up to my subconscious world. This is an area that is likely different for each individual.

Other kinds of messages need to be reviewed for the safety of survivors especially during early awareness and healing.

PHOTO COURTESY OF BRENORTON

An extraordinary thing

An anonymous commenter on this blog inspired me to write this truth about survivors. You would expect that people having such horrific memories, nightmares, flashbacks, etc. would be traumatized (or re-traumatized) by such explicit and terrifying material. That is not the case though. When survivors remember their trauma and have the opportunity to process the emotions, they heal. They grow stronger as each new horror surfaces and the dissociated selves who held the trauma move into a place of healing and safety. To me, this is validation of the existence of DID.

I'd also like to take a moment to address the belief that people would choose to fake DID. The only people who might gain from such a charade are criminals wanting an excuse for a crime. ("Joe" killed that person, not ME.) DID is not insanity, although defense attorneys have tried to claim so. You will always get a defense attorney claiming insanity with psychiatrists supporting the claim while the prosecuting attorney proclaims the opposite with his or her own expert testimony.

Aside from that, people with DID in treatment learn that having DID is not an excuse. One body encompasses all the dissociated selves and that body is responsible for all of its actions. I taught this to children with whom I worked. They understood. An adult understands too.

If someone wanted to fake a diagnosis (for whatever reason there could possibly be beyond protection from prosecution for a crime), they would certainly choose something easier than DID. I'll use an example (a composite of several survivors). Alter Janie is 5 years old and appears as terrified with a soft spoken voice. She twirls her hair constantly and never maintains eye contact. Everytime without fail.

Lola is the promiscuous adult who recalls being "sexy" for the father beginning at age 5. She sits in a provacative position, has a husky voice, laughs in a flirting way, and cries as soon as she is asked about her feelings about the father. Corky is an 8 year old boy who loves to play. He bounds out and wants to jump up and down on the sofa (which he is not allowed to do) or play pirates. He talks endlessly about his favorite cartoon shows with barely a breath. Corky's job was to be happy no matter what was happening to the body.

Whenever any alter presents, s/he can recall exactly what we were talking about the last time they were "out". A person without DID would be hardpressed to remember who is what age and exactly what unique identifying characteristics go with each consistently over the course of regular treatment.

Lily is an adult who holds hopelessness and is extremely depressed. She also holds constant thoughts of self harm and suicide. She appears at the beginning of a session and begins to work with me when she is suddenly interrupted by another alter. (I work with whomever is there unless I know it's intentionally disruptive to certain work. Then I will set up an appointment time for that part to be heard.) The client is subject to switch frequently. At the end of the session when it's time to ask for a "safe driver", Lily appears completing the sentence where she was abruptly interrupted an hour earlier. She has no awareness there has been a blip in time and is frustrated to learn, once again, that she didn't get enough time with me.

Anyone want to volunteer to do that three times a week for several years? Actors playing someone with DID get retakes to get it right and consistent. DID would be nearly impossible to fake over a period of time. I would imagine that those on trial for crimes have plenty of time to rehearse how they will spend their very limited time with a psychiatrist and attorney to play one or two other roles.

I'm not sure how The Netherlands manages to gain funds for their wonderful research for DID, but I'm glad they do. Several researchers have done groundbreaking work which has been published in the literature recently. One study shows that at least two separate areas of brain activity in someone with DID can exist at the same time. This translates to findings that each dissociated self may have it's own blood pressure, heart rate, vision, and various other characteristics. More research is being done in this area. This is a component that someone trying to "fake" DID would not be able to imitate.

Admittedly both having and/or witnessing someone with DID noticeably switch can be disarming, bizarre, and fascinating. What we need to remember is the survivor is first and foremost a human being who dealt with tremendous trauma at the very least for several years prior to age six. The person deserves our utmost respect and understanding. For those who have some misinformed fear, unless you are threatening the survivor, no part of him or her is going to hurt you or anyone else! If you are known to the host--the survivor who has been your friend or co-worker or spouse and you have been safe in the person's life, it is highly unlikely any part will come out in fighting mode. If anything, there is likely to be a "Who are you?", in which case you can explain you are (name of survivor)'s friend.

In fact, a support person is critical to help the survivor heal. She is not going to know when some other part comes out to talk to you until co-consciousness kicks in. A helpful hint on this topic: If an alter speaks to you and you feel uncomfortable, simply say, "I need to speak to (name of survivor)." Or call the survivor's name and say you need to speak to her. That is okay. It works. Maybe not immediately but it is usally all that is needed in a non-triggering environment.

Remember that having DID is as disarming to the survivor as it is to you in the early stages of awareness and healing.

From internal chaos to cooperation

Children who have DID grow up as the most wounded of the wounded. Yet, because of their unchosen coping mechanism in childhood, their coming out of that state of amnesia can appear as anything from sudden mood changes to not even visible to anyone except one trusted support person. It is rare that a person becomes an ever switching person, going from alter to alter. Most can relate multiple personalities to the movie Sybil. While Sybil's story was an accurate depiction, it condensed years of treatment into a two hour movie. A few things I'd like to clarify about people with DID.

Switching (changing from one dissociated state to another and/or from consciousness to a dissociated state)
Prior to a survivor entering treatment with a therapist, it is possible others may have never noticed. It is generally with a safe person that a person with DID may begin to have dissociated parts come forward. Generally, when a survivor "switches" (think of changing the channel on a television), something has just been said, heard, or seen that triggers the dissociated self out. People who switch frequently are the exception. Someone who is triggered, however, may begin to switch suddenly and rapidly until the PTSD level of adrenaline calms down.

How many do you have?
Dissociated self states (a/k/a alters, parts, ego states) develop differently in each individual with that coping mechanism. Numbers are irrelevant. If a child has one self state who takes over when the host child is angry, that one self state may have that job for the entire life until healed. In another person, their mind might create a new dissociated self state for each trauma memory. Often several self states recall a single trauma but healing would still be the same. Yet another child may create anger self states at various ages. It is not uncommon to find the name of one self state at various ages. In addition to being irrelevant, someone with DID really doesn't know how many are inside. They only know what they know. In other words, DID has the component of amnesia. A person may be substantially healed but find themselves still occasionally working with a self state that surfaces.

I've been using the terms self states, dissociated states, dissociated selves, alters, and parts interchangeably. The literature is not consistent and some argue that there are distinctions among terms. As a therapist, I always asked my client his or her preference for a term. And that's what I used. Sometimes a little humor added to a very serious topic can help give the reader time to catch his or her breath. In that vein, to quote a certain fast food commercial from about 20 years ago, "Parts is parts." At least for purposes of this very broad explanation of a very complex process, the terms are interchangeable. Someone who has DID as the result of a main caretaker (and possibly one or two other family or relationship perps) is going to have less internal turmoil than someone abused from a very early age by many to intentionally induce dissociation. The process of healing alters is the same with some added complexity. But it can be done with a dedicated therapist and a survivor committed to healing.

As for the survivor, coming to terms with having DID can be daunting. While some find it easy to embrace that all parts of themselves did their best to help her survive, others fight it with denial which tends to cause more disruption. For people who have successfully healed, there has been a slow and steady journey of creating an internal world of cooperation and safety. Once that is established, identifying and working with new self states becomes mostly a pattern of allowing the part to speak and to be acknowledged—and especially to see that there is no punishment for telling or crying. Since most parts are dissociated from each other inside, each needs to hear the same messages of current safety. Sometimes, there are families of alters or pairs or groups. In my experience they also heal as a group.

It is important to know that most with DID have the capacity to heal and develop strong coping skills over time to stay present (not switch) and work with assistance from inside rather than alters having to take over externally. There are various phases to healing. I prefer not to label them because I’ve learned even those are different for everyone. The goal is to be functioning to where the survivor is back in control of his or her life rather than having dissociated selves disrupt existence.

Whether at the hands of one or many, the emotional impact is very damaging. Some of the damage is healed as internal parts heal. What remains after functioning returns is learning to work as a unit in a healthy way for interacting with society and in relationships. Realize, those with DID have had different thinking processes and only have known one way to process information. It has been proven through the work of Ellert Nijenhuis and others in The Netherlands that brain connections that disconnected through the dissociative process reconnect in healing. The transformation of a healing survivor is incredibly beautiful.

Unfortunately, while healing survivors have amazing courage and would like to share with their friends and greater outside world, we learn very quickly it is a taboo topic. People would rather not hear or know, some preferring to disbelieve. We hate the people who do this to children and then silence the adults who braved the years of abuse and came through their trauma to heal. It's a very unjust world in this respect.

The devil IS the disguise

Regardless of which letters have tended to identify a survivor, their memories often overlap each other. In other words, many who have remembered the trauma of ritualistic ceremonies have also recalled the same people being in a party or "auction" or kiddie porn setting. Kinda puts a different twist on the charade, doesn't it? Survivors of what might be described as abuse in a military/government and hospital environment, also include the masks and devils, as well as the kiddie porn and other reprehensible activities.

It may take years to have the complete memory to understand the layers but eventually answers come, to include the charade. Survivors have the capacity to "see" when they were tricked. A term used among survivors is "screen memory". The "screen" is when the organized pedophiles intentionally provided the initial "extreme horrific trauma" scenario in hopes it would cover what they are really doing. Perhaps it was a kiddie porn shoot but hidden beneath a layer of something heinous--the layer that would likely first surface and the survivor would be dismissed as preposterous.

Another type of layering is when an alter believes someone was killed in a despicable manner while another self state may see the charade. Usually a little is called out to witness the horror, real or made-to-appear-real because the little's terror and belief will help disguise whatever the next level is. Here is a series of a survivor's collages showing the same memory stripped down to the charade. We don't have to know what everything means. The common element appears to be someone's heart was isolated from the body.

This would be the horror as seen through images recalled by a child self.


The next layer strips away the scary ceremony and seems more clinical although the placement of the man as upside down indicates something awry.

What's important on the next collage is the image in the upper right. It may be difficult to see in this format, although you can click on it to make it larger. The hand fallen down to the right is hiding what appears to be an IV showing he is not dead. No hearts were harmed in the making of this memory? The survivor's memory is clear that she is being shown the death was "smoke and mirrors".



What does this mean? It means it all goes together. At the highest level of sophisticated pedophile, the elements of all the other lettered survivors are included. The pedophiles are the masked "satanic cult" are the doctors are the soldiers and officers of military bases and whatever else is remembered as frozen in trauma by the victims. No one could make this stuff up--and be consistent with what survivors around the world recall.

Because of the nature of dissociated memories, it is impossible to know exactly what happened because it comes up like a puzzle and each puzzle piece may go with the same puzzle or may go with completely different puzzles. This is what I view as a safety mechanism for healing. If an entire horrific memory were remembered all at once, it might be "too much". Whatever is missing is never something a non-perverted human could ever figure out logically. So that first memory of someone being killed is definitely horrid to remember and to process. It's also possible that down the road, trickery may be revealed.

This is not false memories. This is remembering all the tricks used to deceive the victims. Survivors who remember the entirety of the charade are hoping the perps never anticipated our minds could do that. It might be several decades since the abuse occurred, but it is exactly what is still going on today.

The telling from inside

We all hear voices. I know this because the majority of my clients were not trauma survivors. They had issues. Any therapist who works with DID needs to find a balance of trauma work and less intense work. It was my experience that any client willing to enter the domain of their mind and engage in imagery or do "ego state" work, would likely get to their issues more quickly and heal more quickly. Most people can grasp the parent, adult, child selves. I spoke earlier about mother, daughter, sister, wife roles. So we all have parts. It's normal. It's good.

You might not categorize what you hear inside as "hearing voices" but they are there. When you reach for that second piece of cheesecake, you might hear "You know you're going to have to pay for that" or some other critical message. You might also hear "Go ahead. You deserve it. You haven't treated yourself in awhile." You might categorize that as a thought. Either way, it's a message you "hear".

In the medical and psychiatric community, anyone admitting to voices was likely diagnosed as schizophrenic. While there are some similarities, a main difference is someone with schizophrenia will describe voices outside of the self telling him to do something (from the television, from aliens, from demonic voices).

An objective of therapy is to change the messages to something positive and supportive--not to get rid of the messages.

Anyone with DID is likely to describe her experience using different words. Those of us who have had that moment when the first horrific memory leaks through is beyond description. As depicted in one of the collages, "It sucks". It's like falling into a black hole. "It feels like my head is going to explode". Dizziness may overwhelm the person.

Responses to knowing there are other aspects of the self inside vary from terrified to feelings of reassurance. Many have initially described "a lot of noise" inside. For someone with DID, hearing a voice is good. It means a self state is crossing over into consciousness. Healing can't occur until a trauma becomes conscious. Trauma becomes known to the healing host when it is conveyed by one or more self states who experienced the trauma. The message may come from telling of the trauma, writing the trauma, conveying the trauma internally on a "movie screen" (less intrusive than a flashback), through art (real or metaphorical images), flashbacks (which appear as a "real" moment of trauma happening in the mind) where one or more senses engaged in the original trauma might re-enact images, pain, and/or position of the body as well as the emotions including terror. Flashbacks are intense.

All of my abuse feels like it was told to me by someone else. It has never felt "first person". I've had validation for some important information to know that at least some elements were true. I can never know how much was real or a very well orchestrated environment to make it appear certain things happened. Whatever happened--and something happened or a trauma would not have been stored--needs to heal. The self states who recall a trauma may come together to relay the memory or the host might receive the same memory from several parts at different times on the healing journey. The images shared in this post are two views of the same memory by alters of different ages.

Because of the fear to tell, sometimes drawing or collaging can feel less intimidating to the self states, all of whom were constantly threatened if they ever told. An advantage to art is it provides an outlet for the self states to process memories that the host may never need to know. She just sees images that have no meaning or may come to have meaning further down the healing path. The mind is incredible when it comes to watching how others have the capacity to heal. Several of the excellent survivor blogs I follow present art therapy. It's a wonderful tool. Art is telling in a different way.

This is such a complex topic and the purpose of this blog is to simplify the complex so readers can get a good feeling without all the details. Know that an objective of healing is for the host to embrace that she is multiple and work with her selves, as they become known, to heal. Are there scary insiders? Yes. But they all have the capacity to heal. And often the scariest parts turn out to be a very young scared child "made to be" mean or scary. They are so relieved to be rescued.

It's rare that a healing survivor does not discover protectors. Protectors can be a stabilizing, reassuring voice throughout the healing journey and beyond. Protectors come in various states of being, at various ages, with various jobs. Some might encompass very loving and nurturing traits much needed by littles who have never known safety in the outside world. Some may become internal friends to the healing adult. I often describe the major part of healing as becoming very internal. The survivor may well withdraw from her external world except for therapy and other support or responsibilities such as wife and mother.

On the far side of healing, either the host makes a natural transition back to the outside world or, in my case, protectors push you out because it's no longer healthy to be inside as much. Healing from DID is similar to watching a flower bloom. The host opens one petal at a time and learns how to maintain growth and nurturing and self care to continue blooming. It's an arduous process. Having those internal friends is a blessing. Knowing those selves protected us from the horrors is difficult for most to imagine. It allows for an element of internal trust to guide the healing when the survivor is not knowing who in the external world is trustworthy. It is for those with DID who have been so shattered that they constantly fear what is happening inside in addition to not trusting the outside world that self harm thoughts and attempts are increased and healing becomes extremely challenging.

People with DID grow up being silenced in every possible way. How tragic they awake to a world that continues to silence the truth and treats them so cruelly. Ignorance is not bliss for the world. Please open your minds to all of the voices trying to speak the truth.