Unpeeling layers of programming

Poppy Revealed - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I just completed a rather sophisticated view of what was beneath the cyclone spin program--a visual of how it works. The collage above is related; I didn't want to post the operational collage because it is potentially triggering--spin inducing. One of the reasons I know I'm completely healed from this very large program that ran my life, is I have not been dizzy while doing all the collages. During healing, I would sometimes be non-stop dizzy for several days if I got close to it. Undoing it took several attempts over the course of several years.

In sharing what I'm learning through the cooperation of all my healed parts, perhaps therapists can see a kind of basic blueprint if survivors run into the opposite gender identity system. Mostly it is overwhelming spinning which means lots of time by abusers placing survivors in or on objects that would literally spin us around.

I've set up a collection under my Polyvore page called Dandelion Flip System. If you choose to view the photos, just know much spinning is represented. I want this information to help undo some of the horrendous backlash of getting near it. Maybe knowing these layers and double language can help shorten your unraveling and stopping of the program.

The collage above is by an alter named Poppy whose job related to dandy "lions" (Wizard of Oz). But she identifies with having Tin Man programming. The male system is represented by peacock feathers which are kind of self explanatory. Much double language was used. I certainly don't know if my double language was the same as everyone else's, but likely at least some survivors share great similarities because of abusers rarely doing something different.

If you click on the collage name, it will take you to the collage on the Polyvore website. Then click on grace2244 and scroll down to my Collections. If you click on my name, just click on the collections for this particular set of collages related to the same intense programming. Please take precautions before viewing the images if you are not completely healed.

It is my belief this was the main basis of my system(s)...the primary on/off switch for my conscious self. If we could all stop that one, we could get away many years sooner...I would think. Be gentle with yourselves, please.

Fusion and answers

Dandelions in Oz - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

This collage was also posted to the art blog. It shows me the huge spinning program that caused conscious me to shut down when I was in the hands of abusers. Recently I did several collages saturated in dandelions. I kept wanting to put poppies in the picture. Here is my first dandelion collage. It's a little girl making a dandelion snow storm. She is holding an Oz character in her hand...Dorothy or the good witch. Almost looks like Poppy rescued her from the nest. One of the last programs I undid in therapy was this one. Someone inside made it snow on the poppy field to wake me up inside.


Dandelion Storm - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Another collage done in the past few weeks shows the cyclone program but as a powerful wind. Lots of programming answers with the fusion. It's amazing how these came out of me in no particular order. Together, it shows the internal cooperation of each alter sharing his/her piece of programming information to help me understand the big picture.

Will write a separate entry on my fusion update. It's been very difficult to come forward (still) following the fusion. Apparently I remain under flood control status.

Election results may impact survivors

Some survivors are experiencing messages and fears as the election draws near. Most who have survived organized pedophilia are likely to have messages related to doomsday, the coming of the apocalypse, end of times, end of the world. This is actual self-destruct motivated. If you have such thoughts and fears, know that what you are experiencing happens to many survivors. My one client went through at least four dates during our work together when she was convinced the world was going to end. It's not going to happen.

If you have a therapist and experience strong messages and fear, being in touch or reinforcing a safety plan would be good. If you know how to do your own internal work, you might ask those with the messages and fears to move into a special safe place where they know they don't have to act on the messages and don't have to see what's going on outside in the world. If you see a therapist, the containment on your own until you have a session again would be helpful.

Unfortunately, the only thing that convinces alters that the world is not going to end is seeing the day after that the world is still okay. What happens is the fear can become so overwhelming, you may begin to believe you are better off self-destructing than see what happens on the date or event. Don't let this happen to you.

To be safe, make sure, if you can, a trusted person knows of your whereabouts until after the event. Check in with the friend on a regular basis or, if available, leave voicemails or send emails to your therapist periodically stating you are okay. Understand this is something the abusers wanted you to think and act on. You have choices now.

I wish I could say this will never come up again. For some, there are layers of these kinds of messages meant to trigger with certain world events. The messages are lies meant to hurt you. It doesn't help that television and other media might be giving the same kinds of messages. Change the channel or stop watching. Use safe place, slowed breathing, and comfort objects. Possibly draw or collage the messages to get them out safely.

Some religions use this kind of prophecy...end of times. Even if you are part of such a religious group, you can tell yourself that it does not mean you and it does not mean now. Abusers count on these messages to destroy their once victims as adults. It's called "suiciding". Don't let yourself succumb to what they wanted for you. You have a purpose for having survived their horror.

I went through this on 9/11/2001. It can be quite intense and can be accompanied by spinning and headaches. You have some basic tools to stop the spinning. Be safe. Be gentle with yourselves.

Scrambled memory

**Extra trigger warning for unhealed survivors**

About ten years ago, I began to remember bits and pieces of my sisters being part of the dissociated world. Apparently it was not okay for me to remember back then. What happened is similar to spinning with words. It's messages flying in all directions inside that create tremendous confusion. It was very distressing. The confusion, for me, went something like this:

If I have internalized parts of my sisters, does that mean my alters go with their memories (my witnessing things that happened to them) or with things that happened to me. I mean was I watching or a part of it? Is it an internalized part of my sister that is being hurt? Whose memories are these? It circled around in many variations until I didn't know who was me and who wasn't.

I discovered that the Peter Pan character names went with one sister and Alice in Wonderland went with another. For what it's worth, I also found Winnie the Pooh and Disney movies deeply entrenched in my system. When my older sister had her first child, as a baby gift, I gave her the complete set of Winnie the Pooh to read to her baby as our father had read to us. Years later I was to find out that I was being molested while he read to me as a very young girl. Apparently I was sending my sister a message with that gift but I have no idea what. Sorry, I think I meandered off topic slightly.

Early in healing I saw my therapist twice a week...more when needed. She got me to a place where my mind was quiet. I told her I wanted to send back the parts that did not belong to me to where they belong. As I told her that, I saw a floating leaf. Tinkerbelle and Peter Pan got "on board" and floated far far away. I think other entities that were assumed unwanted guests were invited to return to their original person safely or choose to go into a healing place where I could not hear their thoughts. I had no problem after that. Did they really go away? I have no idea. But it stopped the scrambling.

Fastforward to yesterday. My mind is still processing the meaning of my memory. Any major memory tends to slowly go through the mind (my perception) making all the connections that had been missing previously. As that happens, I will have "aha" moments rather spontaneously. Of course, each "aha" moment will be an eek or sometimes a gasp. Yesterday I had an OMG! Today, as kind of a post memory component, I began to have similar confusing messages about my little sister as had happened ten years ago. Does that mean everything that I believed happened to Leelee (as one of my alters) really happened to my sister and Leelee internalized it? Or did the perps intentionally create part of me that was my sister to torment internally as well? When I got to the point of my head hurting, I was able to pull back from what was happening and realize I was beginning to "scramble".

By knowing what it was and pulling back, it stopped. I sort of told "it" that it didn't matter who actually was the victim--one received and one witnessed. Both created deep emotional pain and I needed for me to heal. It's possible that since this memory had to be tucked away for so long, the spinning and scrambling just happened to go with it whenever it surfaced--a package deal. I'm so grateful to be able to handle the horror in a more timely manner these days and to have the coping skills to pretty much step out of anything that's happening and be my own analyst.

I'm sharing this in hopes if any of you happen to run into it, you might recognize it as just something that needs to be undone. Any container coping skill is good--put the confusing thoughts in a box until you can see your therapist. You could also work to undo it much the same as spinning. Who is in charge of confusing you? Or do 1, 2, 3 magic. Poof the confusion stops or the ones giving messages are magically placed in a soundproof booth. Your mind will have an amazing solution. Trust that will happen for you.

Advanced spinning

Please read my earlier post on stopping internal spinning if you have not done so before reading this post. One method that might work is simply asking for the one(s) inside causing the spinning and asking if they can stop so you can speak with them. The reasoning that many alters will accept (sooner or later) is that, at one time, the job of causing the spin was helpful. Now that you are healing, the spinning is not working toward that goal. You can ask the spinner to join the safe place to heal or to agree to stop the spinning and consider the change in jobs (undoing the spinning or simply leaving to heal). If the choice is the latter, you'll still want to stop/dismantle/destroy the elements causing the spinning. My previous post addresses how to undo it if no one answers the question as to who is causing the spin.

There is a more complicated form of spinning. Some spinning, if stopped, is designed to set off another or several spin programs. I had in my collages the alters Dorothy and Toto (an adult female holding a baby). The baby was Toto. I don't give them their names... Underneath their picture were words about cyclones and strong winds and being the strongest force. It meant nothing to me at the time. I was in therapy and had undone a smaller spinning when I suddenly felt as if I were reeling. What an awful feeling. I could see Dorothy. The collage flashed in my head of her holding her baby. Inside she wasn't holding her baby. Since I was barely able to focus, when my therapist heard me holler that she didn't have her baby, she asked if a protector could find Dorothy's baby. That was done and the whirling stopped almost immediately after Dorothy had her baby in her arms. Collaging/artwork/just cutting out photos can help immensely.

For me and for two clients who used collaging, there is a sixth sense. How is it that the answers are there to help before the memory surfaces? My explanation is that there is a guide to the healing process that leads us to find the answers before releasing the memory. I'm sure I would have ended the "cyclone" eventually, but those images helped to make it a very short experience of feeling like I was in the center of a cyclone...or tornado like the Wizard of Oz. Sophisticated pedophiles will use children's story and pervert them to set up these cause and effect internal responses. Notice how I used a field of poppies as the leading image of my most recent video? That was me giving me a clue to my current memory. Consciously, I chose poppies and sunflowers as images of Italy which I find soothing and healing. Yet after creating the video, I realized I had an internal field of poppies that was causing me to be very sleepy in trying to process the current memory. Interesting, eh?

Another thread unraveled.

Stop the spin

Today I am winding down from spinning yesterday. I knew a memory was trying to come through and had been slightly dizzy. Having had sinus issues, I first thought it was my sinus headache. When I realized it might be spinning, my head whirled into action. I made it into bed, layed on my back, and went inside. I've learned how to undo it but it always feels awful when it happens. It's been quite awhile since I've had to undo one. Thought I'd share what I do. If you are still thrown out of sync too much to focus when spinning, you might try self nurturing until you can see or call your therapist. Stay safe and don't drive.

There is always something inside creating the spinning. It could be one thing or many things depending on the memory. And if you find one spinning episode, you can be fairly sure there are others. I once had a client who found an entire amusement park of littles trapped on the rides. Even in that scenario, the steps to undo it work. And there might be an alter or alters in charge of setting off the spinning. Everyone's internal world is different so I can only give very general guidelines.

Go inside and ask helpers to gather together. I always begin in my safe place and ask for help. I don't usually have to do the work but see (as a movie) what is happening. Actually yesterday I saw myself trying to stop the stopping. lol. Funny but not funny. I didn't want to know the answer I was being spun from because I knew it was a yucky Halloween thing. It was a little me and a protector held her so she would be safe. I allowed myself to be held as well...safe hug. Then I saw the flashes. The spinning object was also part of the horror.

Early in undoing spinning, it's good to have a protector or brave alter, especially a creative one, look around for what is spinning. It could be as "simple" as an old record player, or merry-go-round, or something more complex like several gyroscopes hidden in the system. Some of the spinning can be so strong as to be disabling to stand up. One of my clients had a group of insiders who always went in search of what needed to be found and would report what was going on.

Once the object is found, whomever is looking needs to check for booby traps that might need to be undone before you turn off the spinning object. They will find what needs to be done. Next, any littles in the vicinity need to be rescued. Personally, I imagine a bright light of protection to seek out all alters who needed to be rescued and bring them to a safe area. A protector might take on this role as well. Remember you can be as creative as you want to undo things. If an alter is found trying to protect the spinning, a protector can remove the alter to a safe place where s/he can heal. Sometimes, a thick glass dome or some impenetrable soundproof enclosure can surround the alter(s) causing the spinning to isolate them until all is undone. This is good for an especially menacing entity.

Now the area is safe to turn off whatever is spinning. Look for an on/off switch, a computer panel, whatever is making it run. Either the finder will turn it off or, failing finding a way to stop it, you can blow it up with internal safety in mind. Yesterday I blew up the thing that was spinning and the room it was in, so it could never be used again. After the object is turned off, destroy it. Early in my healing, I used to have a powerful protector hurl it into outer space. Whatever you can imagine, you can do.

Has the spinning slowed? If so, it worked. If it has been a very strong dizziness, it may take several days to completely dissipate. Small spin programs might stop immediately providing instant relief.

If the spinning has not slowed, ask the littles (who were rescued) if there is another place spinning. They usually know. Or there will be a "knower" in the system who knows the answer or knows who to ask for the answer. Repeat the steps to stop other locations with spinning objects.

One of my strongest spinning incidents included the hidden gyroscopes. I had so many pictures of gyroscopes in my collages but didn't know what they meant until I found them internally. Sometimes your art can help if you know that whatever you find is pictured. There might be clues to stopping it near the image. In my case, after finding the first gyroscope, I was still very dizzy. Tinkerbelle (yes, a tiny fairy alter) volunteered to seek out the other locations and report where they were. She said she was able to hear the whirring sound they made. It took a whole therapy session to undo that one. But it did get undone.

For some, the search party may take several days to find the spinning object. And it may take awhile to figure out how to dismantle it. The greater your creativity, the easier it is. 1, 2, 3 magic is a great tool for undoing things. Next time you are dizzy, try it. It can't hurt. Your system won't let you hurt yourself undoing things. someone will say "Wait!..You need to do "x" first!" If these steps don't work, there may be more complicated things going on. Regardless, it can be undone. Use your internal tools. Don't underestimate what littles or even little mouse alters can do to help.

Around and around and around

One method very easily available to those wanting to cause a child to dissociate is one vehemently denied by even some who work with survivors. I'm not sure why it sounds so absurd. Do you recall ever being spun around by your hands or a hand and foot by a playful relative because you thought it was fun to be dizzy afterward? In such cases, the child can yell out if it's too much and the adult can (hopefully) gauge when fun crosses over into scary.

A child spun around with the intention of disorientation becomes frightened by the "spinning" alone. Unfortunately, there is usually at least one other element to overwhelm and terrify the child. Survivors worldwide have recalled being spun seemingly endlessly on devices similar to playground rides where someone will run around to spin the others seated on the ride (a roundabout?). A large circle on a spinning device--think very fast merry go round--or even a swivel chair can be used. It doesn't have to be sophisticated. Being dangled upside down in a variety of ways is both terrifying and disorienting. Add dunking in water, bright lights, insects or snakes and you have a trauma situation. Further add a drug that causes another element of disorientation and blurred vision or possibly hallucinations, and you can assure the child will have to "leave the body" to endure what is happening.

I would ask why this is so unbelievable. Possibly the disbelief is in the element of intentionality. My point is that intentional dissociation is the main objective of organized pedophiles. There are many names "out there" for what is done. The names given to such a simple act of torment causes people to dismiss the entirety of what is said. The reality is that "spinning" can be connected by very sophisticated pedophiles to certain memories and even perpetrators. It works like this: the survivor begins to have memories surface about an incident (place, date, perp, some tiny detail) and the survivor immediately is overwhelmed with strong feelings of dizziness, nausea, and other factors to take the attention off the memory and onto what is happening with the body. We don't have to understand how this is done. Frankly, I don't want to know that much.

As a survivor, I had to wade through many memories where an element of "spinning" had to be processed to stop the horrid feeling. A very traumatic memory connected to spinning can cause a survivor to be down (incapable of functioning) for days or even weeks at a time. Apparently barns are popular sites for abuse to include spinning. It is a common element in the memories of many survivors at least in the United States. They have lots of room in a protected environment. They are also nice and isolated.

Spinning is one way a child may try to tell a safe adult--turning around frequently until losing her balance, doing somersaults endlessly, wanting to be spun around repeatedly. Messages can only come out in indirect ways if the child has dissociated. And what about babies who have no voice or ability to act out?

We all know about shaken baby syndrome. Someone could spin a baby around in any number of ways to the point where the baby was overwhelmed. The baby can't tell and it leaves no marks. This is the pedophile mindset. It's very gritty. Toughen your senses so we can obliterate it. Please.