Surprise Uprising

Polyvore by Grace2244

My first active suicidal attempt was the month after the father died (March 2011) for which I spent about a month inpatient undoing the programming. Last year, I was preparing for deep healing in Sedona. But, this year, in March after the previous post, I overdosed again. I’d been integrated since May 2013. It was quite a shock that yet another program popped up seemingly randomly three years after father death. Since it was entirely different alters, I knew it wasn’t the same. I jumped back into weekly therapy. However, since two overdoses had failed, images of a much worse method of death overwhelmed me. I was terrified a part would come out and act on the visions. Fortunately, I was able to go inpatient. It wasn’t the same facility as last time.

This time I saw a psychiatrist daily including weekends and a therapist three times a week. After ten days, my programming suddenly came undone. I spent the first ten days identifying the program and who was involved. It was the father introject. I had healed one but it didn’t look my father. He represented my father. This new one looked and acted internally as the external scary father. Very terrifying inside to encounter. I learned to communicate with the perp parts differently than I normally communicated with parts. In the past, I received messages through collages and internal answers. The father introject spoke to me through non-dominant hand journaling and his answers were that of “I am commander of the world and you will die.”

I knew his army wanted to escape but feared him. In the past, I have changed dangerous suicidal parts into harmless seahorses. I don’t know why seahorses went with my father but they did. I was partial to the peaceful leafy sea dragon. While collaging, I realized I wanted to change the new father introject into a baby hippo. I was able to accomplish that with help from inside. The hippo was to remain a baby. The littles loved him. Even I could love him in that form.

Once the father introject became the hippo and moved to the healed side, insiders were able to rescue his hostages, also programmed to carry out harm programming, and all his army found their way to underground tunnels leading to an internal safe place. Many details being skipped but I do have a very intricate internal world. On Day 10, I told the psychiatrist I had undone everything and felt safe and calm inside. He suggested we wait until the next day while I try to examine the healing to make sure it was secure. I received two forms of validation overnight proving I had healed. That was my second Saturday and discharge was planned for Monday.

Even though my programming came undone safely in 2011, I hadn’t learned the skills to help suicidal parts in the future to heal. Of course, I also didn’t think I’d have any more. This time I was told the death of a perp can wreak havoc on the system of someone with DID, especially with the sophistication of my system. No expert was able to say if or when it might happen again. I came away with good skills for identifying early in the process when harm activity is beginning and how to communicate with them to help them heal as well as work with my therapist. I had been missing a most necessary skill set.

This is my healing process. I don’t know that everyone with DID working with suicidal/harm parts needs to find a different way to work with them. I’m sharing that this is what I had to do and I feel much more prepared for future activity. In fact, since coming home, I noticed an unsettling feeling. One of the alters identified in the harm programming was missed. He was able to hide during the rescue. I began to journal to him and have also established internal communication without journaling. I’ll be able to tell my therapist next week. He has begun to come around to understanding he has a choice of not to carry out his job and the person he feared in not doing his job was no longer active.

As an aside, the morning after I got home, I heard “hippo campus” as in where the hippo now lived but it is also the name of part of the brain. In looking up hippocampus, the first sentence was my complete validation and synchronicity. That part of the brain is often viewed as in the shape of a seahorse. Now we know.

New Blog Name

The blog Forbidden Topic has been renamed to better reflect the topic evolution. I use the term "Designer Dissociation" to mean intentionally induced dissociation in children for nefarious purposes by sophisticated abusers and programmers.

This blog begins with education about DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and evolves to include the elements of ritual abuse and government or government-related programs that have and continue to create dissociation in covert programs. While our own government denies the existence of "satanic cults", that is exactly where the sophisticated abusers hide. If a survivor mentions robes or satanic circles, their memories are unilaterally dismissed except by those who have seen the life long damage caused by the horrific trauma inflicted on those who manage to survive.

***The Manual by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

Within this blog is information explaining the documented history of mind control specifically with regard to the United States ushering in Nazis to our country under Operation Paperclip shortly following WWII. The Cold War government warriors went to extremes to find the perfect agents. Declassified documents reveal the experiments of MK-Ultra. (The Senate Hearings of MK-Ultra can be found online.) However, the program I survived was already in full motion by 1952 headed up by an underground CIA alongside the Paperclip Nazis.

I know there are thousands of survivors. I don't know about tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of survivors. Whatever the number, we need help untangling ourselves from the webs woven around our identities and missions and even ability to heal.

I've been sharing my journey on this blog for several years. I hope followers will continue following under the new, more appropriate, name. I no longer feel this is a forbidden topic. It is an essential topic that survivors must be able to discuss and learn to heal from one another in a supportive environment.

WTF are introjects?

Introjects are confusing. It's confusing talking about them because it involves an alter/dissociative split that represents someone also known in the outside world.

Unfortunately, within the system (referring to all alters and any internal structures) there are typically several introjects especially those that represent prominent abusers. Currently I'm working with two sister introjects. They have different names inside. And scary things went with each of them.

The important concept to remember is that an introject is a split from the self holding onto the memories of that outside person. It is also a part of us that must be heard and heal like any other self.

Confusion comes in several ways. The introject "feels" like the real person...carries the same characteristics and persona. An introject is only holding such things for a specific person. Each alter/self was created for a specific role in the system. Those of us with sophisticated programmers might run into several programs designed to keep us away from discovering or even healing to the point of finding an introject. Mostly I experience headaches and dizziness.

I only had a small number of parts who freaked me out that I could only go near in a therapy session. Oddly, the most frightening ones turned out to be littles who were made to look and act terrifying.

When an introject reflects a known abuser and internally creates the terror inside that was also created outside, approaching the part is a thought that can create panic. I had to keep reminding myself that inside it is NOT that person...it is a part of me who needs to heal. And what a horrid job that part of me had...to recreate the terror that part knew him/herself. The introject is usually very relieved not to have that job anymore.

It took me ages to understand introjects. Reading about one and how to help someone heal an introject is different than dealing with one of my own. Only then did the "education" make any sense. In my case, that may also have been intentional confusion to keep me away from the word. I wasn't ever supposed to know of such things, or so the abusers hoped.

In any event, I hope sharing this might help another. As for my introjected sisters, after several weeks of doing sister sets on Polyvore, I've come to realize the sisters are merged with each other. I think that one sister representation is or has been integrating into me. I'm not sure if it's done. This is revolving around a Christmas memory in 1955 so I suspect that might be a present for me.

"Callback" Programming

I began this collage by throwing all the images with alters in yellow on the page. It wasn't until I began arranging them that I saw it was both a flood program and a "go back 'home'" program. Both these topics may be very triggering to healing survivors. Please use caution in reading ahead. I do want therapists new to this concept and newly healing survivors of child exploitation to understand how this is supposed to work. You can successfully fight it. If you are aware of it, you can fight harder.

The program could be triggered by a date and time without external contact by a perp. During my healing, I fought many flooding and even more "return home" programs. Sometimes I had someone make sure I didn't leave the house until I felt the programming was no longer pulling me to do something against my will. When the program surfaces, there is a strong message to go visit someone from the past or just take a trip overnight. Once you get in the car or have made arrangements to be away from your safe home, the program is that a group of alters will take over consciousness taking you to the doorstep of whomever you were told to see when programmed.

I can see in my collage it was a family member. Her name came up often with this type of programming. Tinkerbelle goes with Peter Pan. Oddly (and unexplicable to me), I was to see "Wendy" which was the code name for this relative. My therapist's name is also Wendy. How this happened, I have no idea. So some of my really strong programming had me calling my therapist at two in the morning in a child state. Or I'd go to Wendy's the hamburger place. lol. Humorous system I had... The urge to leave home is overpowering. Knowing if you have trigger dates and/or times is helpful.

Do you often wake up at the same time? My time used to be 3:33 for years. Triple digits seem to be big with dates and times. Noticing the urge to leave would be the critical conscious part. If you are able to be aware that you have an irrational urge to go visiting or take a solo trip, call your therapist or a support person to make sure you do not act on your impulses. Fortunately a little can't drive. Usually it is a little who comes out and triggers the appropriate driving adult.

The flood part of programming is that it feels overwhelming. You can see on the collage there are a troupe of ballerinas as opposed to one ballerina for this to happen. Also many adult alters come out. Near the top right is conscious me "tied down". I'm also shown as dissociated at bottom center. Piano music is shown again which may go with the original programming or an internal alter might sing the song. Actually, I see it's a fairy sitting on the piano key! Okay, so Tinkerbelle sings. FWIW, my Tinkerbelle, once she joined the healing team, was a huge helper.

The ladybug poem was often heard in my head..."fly away home". I don't know if those were actual trigger words with some other signal (to include a date/time), but am sharing that knowledge in hopes of helping someone to not respond. I know this is scary and complicated for survivors. And the concept of "programming" or conditioning to cues as young children is so foreign to greater society. If what I write here stops one person from "going home", I would be so thrilled.

Please be gentle with yourselves in examining this collage.


Tinkerbelle warns of a flood - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Unpeeling layers of programming

Poppy Revealed - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

I just completed a rather sophisticated view of what was beneath the cyclone spin program--a visual of how it works. The collage above is related; I didn't want to post the operational collage because it is potentially triggering--spin inducing. One of the reasons I know I'm completely healed from this very large program that ran my life, is I have not been dizzy while doing all the collages. During healing, I would sometimes be non-stop dizzy for several days if I got close to it. Undoing it took several attempts over the course of several years.

In sharing what I'm learning through the cooperation of all my healed parts, perhaps therapists can see a kind of basic blueprint if survivors run into the opposite gender identity system. Mostly it is overwhelming spinning which means lots of time by abusers placing survivors in or on objects that would literally spin us around.

I've set up a collection under my Polyvore page called Dandelion Flip System. If you choose to view the photos, just know much spinning is represented. I want this information to help undo some of the horrendous backlash of getting near it. Maybe knowing these layers and double language can help shorten your unraveling and stopping of the program.

The collage above is by an alter named Poppy whose job related to dandy "lions" (Wizard of Oz). But she identifies with having Tin Man programming. The male system is represented by peacock feathers which are kind of self explanatory. Much double language was used. I certainly don't know if my double language was the same as everyone else's, but likely at least some survivors share great similarities because of abusers rarely doing something different.

If you click on the collage name, it will take you to the collage on the Polyvore website. Then click on grace2244 and scroll down to my Collections. If you click on my name, just click on the collections for this particular set of collages related to the same intense programming. Please take precautions before viewing the images if you are not completely healed.

It is my belief this was the main basis of my system(s)...the primary on/off switch for my conscious self. If we could all stop that one, we could get away many years sooner...I would think. Be gentle with yourselves, please.

Twinning Revisited

Girl, Interrupted - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

This concept may be highly triggering to unhealed survivors. It is important for the world who cares to listen and hear. Twinning made it extremely difficult to undo my programming especially as it related to "Dragonfly" (my subconscious gender identity as male). I did a previous collage but this one breaks it down to a little more manageable and understandable. So, here goes.

Recently President Obama began the closing down of the "secret CIA bases". This is a start but there are locations outside of government jurisdiction carrying on with the level of technology needed to achieve the desired results. Some assumptions must be made to be open minded to what happens to exploited children of highly sophisticated child exploitation organizations.

Assumptions:
A very sophisticated underworld of organized child exploitation exists.

• Techniques have been used for generations to cause children to dissociate.
• Repeated trauma at a young age by a primary care taker or someone with sufficient access to the child may cause the child's dissociative mechanism to take over.
• The extreme of dissociation is DID.
• DID is only possible to create typically in preschool children (unless a new technology has changed that).
• The deliberate creation of multiple personalities in babies and young children is a primary objective of the organized child exploitation community.

Twinning is a highly traumatizing and bizarre concept. I believe there is/was a strong connection to Mengele because of his ability to experiment with total disregard for the welfare of twins in the concentration camps. The twinning programming depicted in the above collage pertains to a specific purpose. It is different from finding alters who are internal twins, which apparently happens a lot by design or not.

A few more assumptions:

• Men born into the organized pedophile community tend to marry dissociative women. It is along the lines of carrying on the generational "business".

• Women who are brought into the programming aspect have no memory of whatever happened. They may recall going to a baby check up but lose time from there.

Recipe for twinning:
Two pregnant mothers with close delivery dates are needed (planned), preferably already part of the programmed, conditioned, community that "harvests" babies for exploitation. In my case, my mother's sister-in-law were both pregnant and due a month apart. The photo I show in my collage of my male cousin and me was taken in Aberdeen. Neither of us looks like alert happy babies.

Prenatally, babies are able to listen to each others' heartbeats through stethoscopes and possibly more technological equipment today in much the same way twins learn how to hear and communicate with each other in the womb. Twins are born already having a bond. The same is true for babies bonded prenatally and allowed to continue bonding externally as playmates as well (although abuse is also shared simultaneously creating a trauma bond).

I don't know if Mikey was made dissociative like me. Likely he was. I recall him in places in early childhood where someone would have had to get him to my location. I seem to remember him at nursery school in Germany. The bonding continues until the horror is planned. Mikey's death memory was so traumatic and the programming so intricate and intense, I'll never know exactly what was done. The objective was for me to solidify his presence as an alter inside me with me believing somehow I was him--male.

Specific cues were given for the switch from male to female identity to take place since naturally I was female in my conscious world. In about five collages, I keep surprising myself by looking at the collage as a whole after completion, only to see I am flipping over backwards as a female ending up upside down as a male. At that point, the presenting alter would believe s/he was male in a male body without a penis, as opposed to a man living inside a female body. "I" was known as the "she shell". They lived in a she shell as a cover. This is all undone now which is why I have these answers.

I've explained how Mikey was in my life until age 11 when he "died". But he may have been in my adult life. I don't have that answer now. My cousin has no memory of abuse but has published writings which go into that very dark world all survivors know. I'm sure it is his subconscious speaking.

More kinds of twinning
To compound matters, twinning can be done with one young child and a prenatal child. That is what happened with my younger sister. Except we were not allowed to bond except pre-birth. I have conscious memory of being thrilled about "my baby". But within a month, I was made to believe she was destroyed at my hand. Very different dynamic. Still twinning.

To what end?
What is the advantage of having a girl who believes she is a boy in every respect except the conscious world? While I've stated this in another post and/oro blog, it is worth repeating. Part of it is the unbelievability factor. The other is the stark extremes of being made to believe something my being would reject vehemently. Ellie was shattered being forced to submit to the abusers' will that she was to accept herself as male. She was the she shell who produced the cockleshells (my own pun...I think). What did it do to me in my conscious world when I woke up and was treated and dressed as a girl? Because of my subconscious history of my system, Raven (Mikey who first appeared to me as female/transvestite), apparently was often part of high society in gowns and jewels believing he was using his she shell for undercover operations...whatever that means. The constant extremes in believe established in my system kept me highly dissociative.

I can see from my plethora of collages in the past month that my internal prison was awful having my system set up in this sophisticated manner. While believability is questionable, think how implants began being used for animals and now are being used on children "for their protection". The implants contain important information to locate a child if lost. But what else can it be designed to do? These are the kinds of questions society needs to look at very carefully.

I monitor news daily and find many who seem to want to take up the cause of stopping child exploitation but still are missing this very important piece--deliberate creation of multiple personalities. Is it a miracle that I survived to remember this much? I can't prove it so it can't be published in the psychological literature. We need to build our own very protective villages to keep a wary eye on this virtually invisible enemy. One fact that supports the ongoing efforts of this evil underground is the continuing increase in the child sex and slave trade. Which highly influential person will finally take on this issue and "run with it"?

Prevalence of DID & limited resources to heal

Most texts cite the probability of DID as 1 in 100. In grad school I was taught, "It is highly unlikely you will ever see a case of DID; and if you do, you'll want to transfer the client to another therapist who has special training." Let's look at the facts.

Childabuse.com
Sexual abuse most commonly occurs by an individual known by the victim, parent or other family member (intrafamilial). Rarely is the abuser a stranger. Children who become brave enough to overcome the threats and coercion to remain silent may decide to recant accusations of abuse due to fear of retaliation by the perpetrator or other family members. They may also recant out of fear of losing contact with the perpetrator who is commonly a family member or close friend tied to the family by various social means. (The double bind of "I love you"/"I hate you.")

Incest victims are mostly unreported so are not included in the statistic for reported abuse. Of reported cases:

33% of sexual abuse victims are under age 6
33% are 6-12 years old
33% are 12-18 years old.

RAINN Organization* (Excellent website/resource)
In 1995, local child protection service agencies identified 126,000 children who were victims of either substantiated or indicated sexual abuse.

• Of these, 75% were girls.
• Nearly 30% of child victims were between the age of 4 and 7.

Survivors' Healing Center
Data from 2002 National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System (NCANDS) indicates that approximately 4.6 million children were reported to child protective service agencies as purported victims of child maltreatment. Of that number over 88,000 children were documented as sexually abused.

At the community level, epidemiology studies of adults have found that 15 to 33% of females and 13 to 16% of males were sexually abused in childhood.

Different studies use different methodology for their statistics. The statistic found to be most on target in the community of therapists who treat survivors of sexual abuse, is 1 in 4 women are victims of sexual assault. Even for adults, rape is more often someone known to the victim.

The entirety of incest victims will always be unknown because of the secrecy factor. A statistic cited in this blog's second post is:
Some estimates show 20 million Americans have been victimized by parent incest as children. (Jeffrey Turner, 1996). As cited at the website for The National Center for Victims of Crime.

radKIDS.org
...it is estimated there is one pedophile for every square mile in our country, everywhere from big cities to small rural communities.

Given the enormity of the prevalence of incest survivors and abuse statistics for those under age 12, it is more probable that DID exists in closer to 1 out of every 10-20 incest survivors. In populations such as those seeking counseling through YWCAs and other survivor centers, the statistics are prone to be higher for a therapist to have someone present with DID.

While many therapists claim they have never seen a case of DID, it is more likely the therapist is not trained to identify symptoms and therefore "does not see". In addition, because of lack of training, even if someone did see signs of dissociation, the treating individual might be inclined to treat the person as if dissociation were not present. For those therapists who recommend the patient see someone who does treat dissociation, there are insufficient numbers of therapists in many areas of the country to treat the number of survivors.

Kudos to schools open to education to identify dissociation in children, which is relatively easy to spot in the classroom. Again, however, the societal problem is lack of qualified therapists to treat the child. Part of this unwillingness of therapists to be trained to assess and treat dissociation are the efforts of the media and groups such as the FMSF who have targeted experts in the field for lawsuits and shattered their lives and careers.

On the positive side, excellent training is available through organizations such as ISSTD. Sometimes therapists who first encounter DID are willing to learn as they go. A therapist willing to learn on behalf of the client is how many enter the field of dissociation.

For survivors unsure about whether they might be dissociative, Marlene Steinberg's book, Stranger in the Mirror, has an excellent section of self evaluations. It's a good safe start, although admittedly disarming if you score in the range of likely dissociation. Remember that symptoms may not mean dissociation or DID for you. Symptoms may go with another issue. Don't make any immediate assumptions about yourself until you are able to speak with a qualified therapist.

High school project earns "A" on DID

This video was a high school project nicely done by teenager. She earned an "A".





A wonderful video reflecting hope and healing from DID.

Child promiscuity...or a cry for help?

Children are not born promiscuous. They learn from someone. A young child asking if she can touch grandpa's penis would be a clue--not necessarily that grandpa was a perp, but children often "tell" by acting out. This becomes extremely complex if the child has begun to dissociate or, worse, is already dissociated into defined parts cloaked in amnesia.

There is a crossover of emotions, triggers, and behaviors from the unconscious to which the child has no conscious knowledge. A child, when asked about where a behavior was learned, may truly not know--have no conscious connection. Aside from repeated threats (covert and overt) to maintain silence regarding abuse, a child may innocently repeat a behavior that crosses over. Sometimes, these may be our only clues.

When a child is a preteen or teenager, their unspoken actions can be easily misinterpreted. This is basically what happens for a developing child of long-term abuse. Although not all child abusers are male, the majority are. When the main perp or perps in a child's life are male, and the child is dissociative, the child becomes conditioned to "switching" to an identity who handles the abuse. The male is in close proximity to the child, the child knows he expects her to respond sexually or she expects to be hurt sexually. Compliance becomes the only alternative. The normal fight or flight response is squelched in alters with the job of enduring repeated assaults.

One of my first clients with DID was a 12 year old girl whose father had been convicted of molesting her admittedly for "several years." This lovely girl was so sweet, wanting only to please. Before her first appointment her mother was frantic because she had sex with a boy. My client had conscious memory up to the point where the boy had touched her and said something of a sexual nature. No pressure was needed. She simply blanked out. She recalls "waking up" after it was over feeling ashamed and confused. The adult response is typically to pile more shame on the child.

A teen may consciously act out as well. "Acting out" can be a dissociative child's way of saying "Look what someone did to me." The child does not realize that is what she is "saying" with her actions. The result is she receives attention from the boys which serves as filling her need for lack of "love" at home (or believes she is receiving "love"). She is drawn to it. Any further shame placed on her by parental response, teacher response, community response, further reinforces the perpetrator's messages that she is a good girl for engaging in sexual activities and simultaneously a "bad girl" for participating in sexual activities (a no win situation for the victim).

The 12 year old was in therapy less than two years and was able to heal from the majority of her dissociation. She will very likely require further therapy to have any healthy relationship later in her life. An excellent source to learn more on this topic is the book, The Dissociative Child.

Falling apart is beginning to heal

Often the individual realizing they are not alone internally says it feels as if she is being sucked into a black hole or falling into an endless pit. The good news is that DID is highly treatable.

Regardless of age, when someone with DID begins to become aware of their dissociation, the typical response is fear and confusion. Noticing the gaps in time; having friends tell you that you behaved "totally out of character" in a recent situation; people claiming they know you from a party or business function and having no memory of the event. The most frightening, in my opinion, are fugue states. I had clients who routinely found themselves in their car miles from home in an unidentified parking lot. Or "someone" went shopping and the person has no memory of the drive or any part of the shopping spree. It's crazy making stuff.

Then what happens? Hopefully the person will seek a therapist experienced in treating DID. That is not so easy. Far too few doctors and mental health professionals acknowledge DID, possibly because it's too complicated and time-consuming to understand, let alone treat. Add to that the propaganda that multiples are fakers and therapists worldwide implant similar memories of childhood abuse into their clients. I would ask, "to what end?" WHY would an ethical therapist even want to implant a memory? If the client is there, she already has issues. I wish someone would answer that question.

If you are a survivor seeking a therapist, a good resource is the ISST-D website where you can look up a therapist by state. Another strategy is to call a number of therapists in your area and ask if they can refer you to someone who treats dissociation. The therapist with the most recommendations is a good start.

To the outside world...

To the outside world, someone who has DID and is not in any stage of healing, may only appear as possibly having mood swings. No one in my life, including a therapist I saw on and off for many years for relationship issues, knew I had DID. My life until the fourth decade was only my conscious memories...a sporadic history of being in school and workplaces and a spattering of childhood memories with no abuse worse than unwarranted physical abuse by my scary father. I was the little girl with gold stars in kindergarten, an honor student in high school and college. I was the good girl, the good employee. Always did as told.

Someone who has never noticeably switched (changed from one self state to another) may begin to do so in the work environment or to family causing fear among loved ones and co-workers. It is disarming to say the least. Especially when another self state is a young child. I would venture to say that most multiples surround themselves with stuffed animals or dolls or coloring books without realizing they are filling the needs of the desire for such toys from within. Often the dissociated self state will have it's own age, personality, and name. Understand this is simply one aspect of the same person which became isolated in trauma.

Admittedly, it is very difficult to be a support person in the life of someone who has DID. Yet it is the one element they most need. Although it looks crazy, it is not. It is a complex survival skill adapted during childhood trauma that made perfect sense at the time. Coming undone at an adult age brings challenges for the survivor, the medical, and mental health community.

The photo of the Nautilus shell is a perfect image of multiplicity to me. It is a beautiful shell (an amazing entity) with many hidden chambers inside supporting the whole.

Can you imagine...

You are at work in a meeting giving a presentation to your company. Let your mind absorb how you speak, your mannerisms, your responses to others, what it feels like to be in that situation.

Suddenly a secretary rushes in saying your child or other loved one has just been in a serious accident and the hospital is on the phone. How do you respond? Can you feel your pace change? Your voice? Your emotions? Allow yourself to feel that transition from in-control worker to frantic parent, sibling, or friend.

You are in the hospital with your loved one and she is okay but badly hurt. You are speaking to her at her bedside. Feel that transition...in your voice, in your pace, in your emotions.

Internal parts all represent an aspect of yourself, which is why I like the term self states. For someone with DID, all of the above happens, except there is no memory from worker, to frightened adult, to caring mother.

Maybe as you were running out of the conference room at work your boss said "Take as much time as you need. But at least take the rest of the week off." That would have been heard by frantic you rather than work you. You might call later that day or the next morning asking for time off. Your boss will write that off as you were too emotional to hear at the time.

The next time you visit the hospital, worker you is "in charge" because you just spoke to a co-worker on the phone. A hospital employee that you know by name in the "mom state" greets you by your name but you have no knowledge of that person's identity.

People with DID have constant inconsistencies but pretend. They have an internal sense of "somehow I just got here and have to figure out what's going on". That's been their life experience--missing gaps. "Oh right! How could I have forgotten? My mind was focused on something else. Sorry."

Most can't imagine what it's like constantly having memory gaps but for some with DID, it's invisible. The time gaps are dissociated too. Gee, that last four hours sure went by fast. The person may have begun reading a book and ended four hours later reading the book, but another part could have cooked dinner, done the laundry, and vacuumed. That person will not recall having done the chores but will figure she must have done it yesterday and forgot...or something along those lines. And the lack of movement forward in reading will be "I must have fallen asleep."

Life is an unknown puzzle. Each self state is unknown to the others.

Lets talk parts

Any woman might have the roles of mother, daughter, sister, manager or employee, soccer mom, and wife. A man might be policeman, baseball coach, father, son, brother, husband. Don't each of us adapt our personalities in some way depending on who we are at the moment? A man is going to act very differently at work than he is with friends in a bar. And different when he goes home to his wife. These are generally subtle shifts with some crossover for each role we have in life. And of course we remember ourselves in each role. Most of us also can relate to releasing our inner child when we are having fun. In this respect, all of us have parts. We are multiples without amnesia.

When there is a dissociative split to compartmentalize the trauma of a child being hurt by someone who loves them--and the abuse continues--so does the dissociative split. For children with DID (remember this is decided usually by age 6), the personality develops as fragmented. Many roles in the child's life become compartmentalized by amnesia, meaning the child (and later the adult) does not know of this splitting, nor the teenager, nor the adult. Some children may begin to heal when an abuser moves out of the home or is arrested. Safety is a factor for healing.

People with DID spend three to four decades of their lives (on average) before realizing they are dissociative. I can attest to this statistic since most of my clients with DID were between 35 and 45 with some younger and a few older. The survivor art shown at left is what it feels like when someone becomes aware she has DID. For me personally, as a therapist, and in witnessing survivor art and hearing other survivors' stories, this depiction "hits home". Anything leaking through the amnesia is terrifying to feel. It's not uncommon for the person to feel crazy. It doesn't help that society reinforces that message!

Two Worlds - One Face

One split might be dissociative or repressed. The definition of DID is reserved for two or more distinct identities. A child (especially an older child who no longer has access to the gift of dissociation) may repress memories of abuse. While there are varying definitions, I honor the definition that repression is the mind "storing" memories subconsciously as opposed to having an element of amnesia. It is not unknown memory, it is forgotten memory (stored in the subconscious). In my experience, when a repressed memory is uncovered, the client spontaneously remembers the event. Both repression and dissociation involve memories being drawn into the subconscious realm. And both usually result in strong feelings crossing over into consciousness to which the child has no connection.

For both repressed and dissociated childhood memories, that initial split may appear something like this: The child is aware only of the conscious world in which she is not being hurt. She exists in a state of oblivion to the abuse. The switch to "hurt self" is triggered possibly by an incestuous father's knock at the door at night or hearing footsteps near the bed. The trigger would be anything that has come to mean she is about to be hurt. Wherever abuse occurs, triggers will become connected in a child's heightened awareness. These triggers are their saving grace.

During the molestation (or beating or verbal assault), the child must do as told--submits to the caregiver's will. The survivor art shown in the previous post is a collage conceptualizing having one's will bend to another's demands. Once the child is not being harmed, she becomes everyday girl and has no memory of abuse that may have happened only seconds previously. However, she likely will have crossover fear at bedtime, if the abuse occurs at night, which might manifest as fear of the dark, not liking her bed, wanting the safe parent to sleep with her, etc.

I think we have all heard stories of daycare centers where a caregiver was molesting the children. Observant parents reported their child becoming extremely agitated or upset at being taken to the daycare. Even preverbal children have the aversion response to being left with someone who is hurting them. The child's aversion response has thankfully led to some alert parents pulling their children from such centers.

For all children, this division is survival. It might be referred to as a betrayal bond or double bind. A child does not know how to love and hate a parent at the same time.

The ultimate childhood survival mechanism

Dissociation is not a child's choice. The creation of an amnestic self is a survival mechanism of the brain. It allows a child to function in everyday life while at the same time being traumatized repeatedly. Although the child has no memory of the abuse, she may carry over into her "normal" life a strong sense of guilt, shame, secrecy, and fear which will impact her, at the very least, into her adult life.

Dissociation is often discussed as being on a continuum. All of us experience dissociation to some degree. Highway hypnosis is the most common. We drive. We zone out. We snap to and don't remember the last 10 minutes or the last few exits. Going through the spectrum is post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) which all victims of long-term childhood abuse are likely to develop. The extreme of the spectrum is Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). It used to be called multiple personality disorder. Please don't let that stop you from reading further. This is where much of society has been misled and tends to be frightened.

Typically, if a child is going to develop DID, it has been decided subconsciously by age 6 and rarely after age 9. This is cited in the leading authoritative texts on dissociation by the country's experts on dissociation. Some of the books are listed as therapist resources on this blog.

For clarification, DID does not require sexual abuse specifically. It can be the coping mechanism for overwhelming physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse. Given the inherent double bind of incest, children from incestuous families have a greater likelihood for abuse beginning at a very early age and continuing for a number of years. E. Sue Blume's "Secret Survivors" is an excellent book to learn the dynamics of incest to include victims who are dissociative.

The basics

I want to present this difficult topic in short concepts. What most of us already know may need to be adjusted to accommodate for modifying some assumptions or allowing for new thinking.

Father-daughter and stepfather-daughter incest is most commonly reported, with most of the remaining reports consisting of mother/stepmother-daughter/son incest. Prevalence of parental child sexual abuse is difficult to assess due to secrecy and privacy; some estimates show 20 million Americans have been victimized by parent incest as children. (Jeffrey Turner, 1996). As cited at the website for The National Center for Victims of Crime.

Educating young children about good touches and bad touches, how to stay away from strangers, how to get help from an adult, how to say "NO!" is definitely important. Unfortunately, in cases of incest, the child is not being hurt by strangers and must obey parents and other primary caregivers. Saying "No!" is usually not an option and often results in punishment to the child. A child of incest is not allowed to say no. Typically, any child being abused will be threatened with harm--or harm to a loving caregiver, sibling, or pet. Most have had their lives threatened to the point there is no doubt that grave harm will come to them and/or another loved one if they dare to tell. Children of incest are conditioned to feel unempowered, helpless, and damaged. (No one will love you if you tell.)

The most damning for children of incest is their reliance on the very person/persons who are abusing them for their survival. It sets the child up for total confusion about authority: "I love you", "I hate you". "If I don't love you, I will die." They are dependent on their parent or other primary care giver (who may be another family member) for food, shelter, warmth...all security needs...while at the same time being terrified, horrified, and repulsed by what is happening to them.

As if it weren't bad enough...

This blog is an important project for me--to share in hopes others will hear, contemplate, consider, research, reconsider. If anything you gain from this blog causes you to think differently, to make changes, to help educate others, and, most importantly, positively impact the lives of children trapped in a world of abuse and the unhealed adults of childhood sexual abuse, then I have accomplished my objective.

I will be sharing personal knowledge from my own healing as well as knowledge gained from my experience as a psychotherapist working with highly traumatized individuals. Mainly, I just want to speak from my heart and soul and reach out to others. I can't change this part of our society alone. It takes more than a village to help these children and adult survivors of insidious child abuse. I invite you to take this journey with me. It's a rough road that's been avoided for far too long.

Photo courtesy of Monica Palermo.