Surprise Uprising

Polyvore by Grace2244

My first active suicidal attempt was the month after the father died (March 2011) for which I spent about a month inpatient undoing the programming. Last year, I was preparing for deep healing in Sedona. But, this year, in March after the previous post, I overdosed again. I’d been integrated since May 2013. It was quite a shock that yet another program popped up seemingly randomly three years after father death. Since it was entirely different alters, I knew it wasn’t the same. I jumped back into weekly therapy. However, since two overdoses had failed, images of a much worse method of death overwhelmed me. I was terrified a part would come out and act on the visions. Fortunately, I was able to go inpatient. It wasn’t the same facility as last time.

This time I saw a psychiatrist daily including weekends and a therapist three times a week. After ten days, my programming suddenly came undone. I spent the first ten days identifying the program and who was involved. It was the father introject. I had healed one but it didn’t look my father. He represented my father. This new one looked and acted internally as the external scary father. Very terrifying inside to encounter. I learned to communicate with the perp parts differently than I normally communicated with parts. In the past, I received messages through collages and internal answers. The father introject spoke to me through non-dominant hand journaling and his answers were that of “I am commander of the world and you will die.”

I knew his army wanted to escape but feared him. In the past, I have changed dangerous suicidal parts into harmless seahorses. I don’t know why seahorses went with my father but they did. I was partial to the peaceful leafy sea dragon. While collaging, I realized I wanted to change the new father introject into a baby hippo. I was able to accomplish that with help from inside. The hippo was to remain a baby. The littles loved him. Even I could love him in that form.

Once the father introject became the hippo and moved to the healed side, insiders were able to rescue his hostages, also programmed to carry out harm programming, and all his army found their way to underground tunnels leading to an internal safe place. Many details being skipped but I do have a very intricate internal world. On Day 10, I told the psychiatrist I had undone everything and felt safe and calm inside. He suggested we wait until the next day while I try to examine the healing to make sure it was secure. I received two forms of validation overnight proving I had healed. That was my second Saturday and discharge was planned for Monday.

Even though my programming came undone safely in 2011, I hadn’t learned the skills to help suicidal parts in the future to heal. Of course, I also didn’t think I’d have any more. This time I was told the death of a perp can wreak havoc on the system of someone with DID, especially with the sophistication of my system. No expert was able to say if or when it might happen again. I came away with good skills for identifying early in the process when harm activity is beginning and how to communicate with them to help them heal as well as work with my therapist. I had been missing a most necessary skill set.

This is my healing process. I don’t know that everyone with DID working with suicidal/harm parts needs to find a different way to work with them. I’m sharing that this is what I had to do and I feel much more prepared for future activity. In fact, since coming home, I noticed an unsettling feeling. One of the alters identified in the harm programming was missed. He was able to hide during the rescue. I began to journal to him and have also established internal communication without journaling. I’ll be able to tell my therapist next week. He has begun to come around to understanding he has a choice of not to carry out his job and the person he feared in not doing his job was no longer active.

As an aside, the morning after I got home, I heard “hippo campus” as in where the hippo now lived but it is also the name of part of the brain. In looking up hippocampus, the first sentence was my complete validation and synchronicity. That part of the brain is often viewed as in the shape of a seahorse. Now we know.

And On It Goes...

 

Polyvore by Grace2244

After my May 2013 integration, I thought all alters and programming were behind me. I've done well on the 30 mg of Cymbalta. Happy with husband and a spunky new puppy. Unexpectedly, on a previously highly triggering date (2/22), a part I thought had healed took control and I overdosed. 

Back into therapy. I think that program has been dismantled. It involved three alters and am hoping that's all. My beliefs about fully healing have shifted. Can never know when an event or date had been preordained to trigger a self harm program. 

In my case, because I've outlived all my death programming, I'm afraid that's all that is left. Must live aware of the least sign and call therapist instead of thinking I can deal with things on my own at this point. It may be a lifelong endeavor but am hoping such incidents are fewer and farther between.

Self-Awareness, Extreme Thinking & Balance

I was completely dissociated when I was 3. Most born into that underground world have intentional trauma in utero to begin the process. Creating anxiety and fear in a baby is simple. Irregular feedings make the baby wonder when and if they will be fed next. Prolonged periods of isolation without light, touch, and food induce fear of abandonment, starvation, and death. All innate survival skills are activated causing the child to be more likely to dissociate before they are able to speak and tell.

We grow up thinking food or death, love or death, helplessness and death. All roads lead to death. That thinking is constantly reinforced as we are raised into adulthood in that environment. Our mind's ability to maintain the abuse in a bubble of amnesia keeps part of our present and all of our past abuse out of our awareness. We are clueless about our double lives (for most of us, at least into our twenties and many a decade or two beyond).

Dissociation Train by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

The healing process of DID is to help us control what has been our mind's automatic response to pain, fear, and even feelings. I was fortunate to be in therapy prior to known DID to identify feelings and learn some good communication and coping skills. Most who learn they have DID haven't had help prior that point. Feeling pain, feeling emotions that are unidentifiable initially, and extreme thinking dominate in the beginning.

I've been healing for 14 years and still have automatic extreme thinking: if not this, then death. Except now it is death at my own hands. Suicide was also a huge part of growing up designer DID. Sharing this is preparation to explain how I analyzed an issue that was feeding into suicidal thoughts I've been struggling with recently.

I've been plagued with suicidal thoughts and vivid imagery since shortly after news of my abuser father's death and got the help needed to stop programming associated with that triggering event. I've written about programming that began once I had stopped the first program. A third round popped up which I believe was shut down. But the vivid images remained in my head. I used my coping skills to get out of my head but was becoming exhausted.

When I connected the worst of the thoughts to the pain that went with my body, I became very proactive. Last week I got in to see my psychiatrist earlier, I saw my family doctor about the lack of relief from concussion headaches, and made an appointment with the specialist who works with part of my body that is a huge trigger in every possible respect. That helped settle my mind about all issues going on in my life except relationship issues...that I didn't know were feeding into the suicidal thoughts.

When I saw my therapist a few days ago, she tried to focus on suicidal thoughts with me but my brain blocked her and I ended up rambling about things going on in my relationship. I thought initially someone inside just wasn't letting me have a good therapy session. But when I got home, I communicated to my partner all that was on my mind. In doing so, I realized not feeling I could do anything about his issues led me to feeling helpless. Helplessness leads to death. Old pattern. But communicating my feelings of helplessness to him really helped make that connection. I doubt that would have happened if I hadn't taken positive action about every other issue I was facing. A breakthrough for me.

As an extreme abuse survivor, stopping the mind from going to "death" as the answer is difficult. But we can remind ourselves there are choices between all and nothing.

Another component that inhibits self-awareness is our training to dissociate pain. I've healed to where I know I have pain and no longer have an automatic dissociative response. I hate pain. However, we multiples tend to grossly underrate the level of pain we do experience. We also have messages about deserving pain which keeps some from seeking medical help until an issue has progressed far beyond a simple intervention.

Having awareness is only the true beginning of healing. After becoming more whole and learning to stay present, only then can we see what we've been missing or feel what we've been missing. Rather than all roads leading to suicide, learning the shades of gray...healthy options...is crucial, although certainly not easy.

I have been dealing with the unmentionable body issue since 2008 not thinking beyond just tolerating it and limiting my activities to accommodate it. Realizing that it was something I could choose to have treated was a very recent thought.

Learning things like yoga and qi gong, meditation and relaxation help all people to find calm and balance in the world. But such things are necessary to multiples. It's also helpful for support people of multiples to know that suicidal thoughts are the "norm" and we have to be reminded there are other ways to think.

I am happy to say the slight medication change made by my psychiatrist helped get those vivid images out of my head that were constantly plaguing me. Am grateful to be able to think a bit more clearly not being focused on ending my life.

Programming is such a complicated issue for support people to grasp. Just know it is something we struggle with for years. And even though I thought I was healed and had unraveled all programming, my father's death was able to trigger something hidden deep inside me just waiting to go off. We truly have no control except to scramble for help when it happens.

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to dissociate at will to get myself out of any uncomfortable or painful feelings. Since that is no longer an option, following the thoughts, self-analysis, and help from my therapist are still going to need to happen to take my life further away from that rabbit hole where I used to be perpetually stuck.

Having said that, sometimes self-awareness truly sucks.

Getting to Internal Safety–Aftermath of Abuser Death

I received news of my abuser father’s death on 2/10 and overdosed on 3/13 (see previous blog post). After being discharged from the hospital on 3/15 I began to do art therapy on Polyvore. It showed me that first failed attempt was tied to a series of alters, each a back up for the other…and each with a different method of demise. I hadn’t fought the alter who took the pills. I was co-conscious with her. But the methods tied to the others in the series terrified me. At the end of the three or four other alter attempts was what felt inside to be the introject of Jose Delgado. I felt and believed it could kill me internally without any help from the outside. He was also ready, willing, and able to follow through. My therapist and I both began to make calls to The Center.

While the death programming was triggered by the father’s death, I had been struggling with increased depression for approximately six months. I had tried several adjunct antidepressants along with my Cymbalta until I intuited I needed to back down from the maximum dose of Cymbalta instead of trying to add more meds onto it. I had backed off from 120 mg per day to 90. My therapist shared just prior to my admission she had read research that SSRIs usually wore off after a year or two although they worked very well in the beginning. She reminded me to point that out to the psychiatrist on staff at The Center. Had I not been so depressed when the news of my father began to have aftershocks, perhaps I would have had more strength to fight the programming and dismantle it with the help of my therapist. I also realized my older sister’s birthday had been just a few days before the overdose and I had several introjects of her tied to the programming. So many variables for this storm inside me.
I was able to meet with the psychiatrist the day of admission and together we decided to wean off the Cymbalta and try Pristiq, a similar antidepressant that was normally tolerated well by those on Cymbalta. It was the only meds change suggested…another relief.

My time on the internet was greatly limited and art therapy had been my primary mode of healing from the beginning. Polyvore completely replaced my magazine collages so I was frustrated that tool was basically removed from my healing arsenal. Likely due to the programming, I didn’t get to a place where I felt I could focus on the internal work until the day of my second individual counseling session a week later. Friday was mostly meetings with the people I’d be working with and the weekend was very long and terrifying for me feeling like a ticking bomb.

I had just begun a group on Friday morning where Dr. Glenn Doyle was the facilitator. I felt good energy emanating from him, liked his way of interacting with the group, and knew I wanted him as my individual therapist. Less than five minutes into that group I had been called out but was so grateful to feel that connection. I told everyone I could that I wanted Dr. Doyle as my individual counselor. Someone was able to check and saw I had been assigned to him which did help somewhat.

Over the weekend, one patient was discharged but not before we realized the night before that we were friends from Polyvore and immediately hugged. She adored Dr. Doyle and assured me he knew of mind control, SRA, and programming and it was okay to speak of it. We shared for a few hours before it was bedtime and had a chance to speak in the morning before her discharge. She gave me some questions Dr. Doyle had given her for homework which helped keep me busy until I saw him on Monday. A most serendipitous meeting but wishing we had figured out our connection two days earlier.

Dr. Doyle does hypnotherapy and for the first time in my conscious life, I went to a level where I was “gone” for about 20 minutes of the session. Apparently he just spoke to parts generally to let them know his voice and allow the healed ones to know he was safe. That was Monday. On Tuesday, Dr. Doyle ran at least one of the groups and the Delgado part hated him. As soon as he came into the room I felt movement inside me that felt like kicking or a child’s hand punching. Dr. D paused in the group and said some words to the part and the internal punching stopped.



During my second meeting with Dr. D on Wednesday, I again was gone for 20 minutes. When I woke up, his face appeared as if he had just seen a ghost. I said something to him like “that part can kick my butt, can’t it?” He nodded and said we would work slowly. Fortunately, in the evenings I had just enough time to do one or two Polyvore sets and would email them to him. My set that night was frightening.

I only had individual counseling Monday and Wednesday but Dr. D ran two groups on Friday. I began biting my tongue every time I tried to speak, and it hurt. Before he left on Friday evening he was very kind to do a quick hypnosis to extinguish the tongue biting. I didn’t want that to be happening all weekend.

For our third session, I was consciously connected to Dr. D’s voice the entire time (I think). He asked me what I thought he should focus on. I told him my protector Spencer knew “the plan” and needed Dr. D to work with me while Spencer did his part. But I didn’t know the plan. I heard Dr. D asking for Spencer and about the plan but all I felt was huge resistance so he worked with the resistance instead. Five hours later, I was on Polyvore and Spencer showed me what was behind the big scary “curtain” of Delgado. It was two sister introjects bound together in chains. The younger sister part was still loyal to Delgado and ready to follow through with the programming. The older sister part showed she was not wanting to die and a chain between the sisters was shown to be broken. When I went to bed, Spencer said the sisters had blocked his voice and he needed Dr. D to break the programming because they could hear him. Dr. Doyle got his answer but I had to wait two more days to see Dr. D again. I feared knowing the sisters were behind the scary Delgado façade made it even more likely the programming would go off and kill me with an aneurysm or something else connected to the brain.



Wednesday morning I learned Dr. D would not be coming in and I had no idea if I would see him on Thursday or if he would just do his normal Thursday schedule. I was panicked. During early afternoon group, the facilitator entered and used the words I had collaged previously that I knew were part of the code phrase to trigger the programming. It went off. I immediately felt something “fly” up into the back of my neck by my brain. I truly felt I was going to die any second. The facilitator was not understanding my attempts to get her attention for help so I left the group and went to the nurse’s station. One of the very kind nurses saw how freaked out I was and sat in “the quiet room” with me to help me calm down. She then asked if I was okay to be alone and the part who had taken over answered yes. While alone I began to scratch at my wrist with my nails. I was an observer in the background.

Scratching was something my younger sister did in real life. She was very aggressive and would attack me and older sister with kicking, biting, hair pulling, and scratching. I realized the program went off but only the younger sister part followed through. She was powerless to cause death. I was relieved to know it was not as powerful but I still needed Dr. D’s help to eradicate the program and set the sisters free from the trauma bond to Delgado.

I had the willpower to take sufficient control to walk to the nurse’s station and ask for help to stop scratching my arm. Dr. Doyle saw me first thing when he came in mid-day Thursday and successfully undid the program and anything else that may have been placed in me for harm purposes. It was the first time I felt safe inside my own body since 3/13. I knew I was technically safe to discharge but believed two other issues caused my constant passive death thoughts. I asked if I could stay to see him a few more times before discharge to ensure I was stabilized. That did happen and I have my first session with my own therapist since discharge on 4/13 next week. I wanted Dr. D to do what he felt would be most helpful for my therapist to continue her work with me on my last day.

I entered The Center knowing exactly what programming needed to be undone and I knew that would be in individual counseling. The main focus of The Center, however, is group work which probably is very effective for those without the sophisticated programming found in some SRA realms and the government related programs. However, I did learn and benefited from attending the groups as well.

What I most want to say is the death of a parent abuser is unexpected and traumatic even if we are thinking (as I was) that there would just be relief and possibly celebration. Nearly half of the patient community had recently had an abusive parent die. Even though I had been a therapist, I was unaware of this backlash. I knew that often memories did not surface until an abusive parent or both parents died. But I really thought I had worked through all the father issues. I urge you to have a safety plan if you are a survivor and still have a living parent who was an abuser. You will likely need minimally stronger support from your therapist to get through that time and more self care and nurturing.

This is a long post but wanted to tie it all together in one place. I did have some separation anxiety leaving The Center after three weeks. Coming home was not the smooth joyful transition I expected. I needed adjustment time. I returned home Wednesday evening and had nurturing activities planned for Thursday and Friday. That helped immensely. And even though I successfully transitioned from Cymbalta to my target dosage of Pristiq, I may not feel the impact for a month or longer. I am still depressed and have to be mindful of thinking logically versus depression thinking. In a sense, coming home was like returning to the scene of the crime. Much reflection and sadness.

We need more Dr. Glenn Doyles in the world. I am so grateful my therapist knew of The Center and that Dr. Doyle understood mind control and programming for the help I needed. The psychiatrist I first met with that day of admission and Friday went on vacation and her replacement was wonderful. Again, this world is so lacking in psychiatrists who understand dissociation let alone who are wonderful people willing to work with their patients for the best medication regime.

Several patients were back for repeat visits because of additional crises. I never anticipated acting on suicidal ideation let alone feeling I would need to be in a safe facility to keep parts of me from acting on their programming. The FMSF created such fear by therapists to treat dissociative disorders that only a few good places remain available in the country for the help I needed. I pray one day reason will prevail over fear and centers will open again and insurance companies will not deny such critical care.

Thank you to The Center staff who got me through this terrifying episode in my healing and to all who supported me while I was there.

Change can be good

Fusion is new territory for me so the blog is hopefully educational for many. After a month of continuous visual messages and collages that I don't understand all or part of any message, today was different in a good way. I began to receive direct messages. The internal voice or the answer "landing in my head". I'm wondering if acknowledging Easel as the lovely alter doing the collages was part of that change? Would like to share the answers from this morning.

On my art blog, I had a post revealing Easel from the time she was a young girl. The collages showed me she was a very little girl but I also know her abuse began as a baby. The post made to the art blog immediately preceding Easel was a collage I had of my effed up f*ther. He's sitting on a tiny little island painting on an EASEL! Look at that inner strategy! Also, the first three letters of Easel's name are his initials. Knock me over with a feather.

Speaking as a spectator of my own (Easel's) collages, I was blown away by Zen Space, also posted on the art blog. I connected no trauma to the image. My SO's first response was "stairway to heaven". This morning's message was quite profound. The collage is a perfect example of Stockholm syndrome--why captive children may not flee even if given an ideal opportunity. Here is the collage followed by the explanation.


Zen Space by grace2244

The woman appears oblivious to the stairway behind her. In fact she seems oblivious to the beautiful sky behind her. She is focused on the lovely blossoms. She has wings but they aren't large enough to fly. It's difficult to tell but the wings are torn just behind her back. They wouldn't work even if they were larger. She has no curiosity to explore the stairs. If the stairway is an indication of "going to heaven" or suicide, that is forbidden. Even though survivors of organized abuse are plagued with messages of suicide when healing begins, while we are "useful" to the underworld, running away or escaping is under threat of awful consequences. And suicide is under the dire consequences of several innocent or loved ones being killed.

It's easier to block out the rest of the world, to include beauty and escape routes, than to see what we can't have. Pretty picture--powerful message. Stay or suffer beyond comprehension. Don't even think about it. Am watching the special coverage building up to tomorrow's inauguration. It's all about change and excitement. Am pleased with the change in me today.

Post memory backlash a/k/a healing

Lately I've been rambling about the big memory I've been processing for quite some time. I ranted about it yesterday on Grace Uncensored. Now that I'm back in a familiar emotional place, which is not at all comfortable, I thought it might be worth sharing.

While each survivor will find their own rhythm or sequence of the mind providing answers, it will become familiar. Processing horror can actually become "same old routine". We process so much we become desensitized to our own sh*t. Sort of like watching yuck on CSI or Ducky on NCIS. I prefer to change the channel and usually do. But when it's the main presentation in the mind, there's no changing the channel.

Because the details are being relayed by a previously dissociated self, it feels second hand. "This is what happened to you. I saw it." It is not experienced as first person even though we may have some crossover of body memory and/or emotions. For me, first there is the shock or surprise of knowing (the silent gasp) followed by any emotions or words that need to be immediately released. Once knowing the emotional/physical pain or piece of knowledge is out, there is the acknowledgment and healing of the parts involved in revealing the previously unknown.

I have often experienced a specific sensation or knowing in my mind or body that the healing happened. Sometimes a bit more processes over the next hours or days before I know the healing of the alter(s) has completed. Then comes confirmation of the healing process--the brain making new connections. Some call this an integration headache if parts tend to merge or integrate post healing. Whatever you call it, the brain DOES make new neural connections. It has been proven in research conducted in the Netherlands by Ellert Neijenhuis, et al. using PET scans on clients with DID pre-healing and following them through to post-healing. Before I knew of the studies, I described the headache as feeling as if my brain were making new connections. Hmmm.

Within a day or two of processing my recent chunk of trauma, new information continued to flow related to the newly disclosed information. I would describe it as information that was unable to be relayed until the healing and the new connections. It feels different. It's more like thoughts landing suddenly in my brain.

My recent memory began several months ago but became quite intense around Halloween. The next round happened surrounding my birth date earlier this week. I felt the healing acknowledgment during my nap following the therapy session. The next day was headache day. I'm still getting tidbits here and there and being led to information that doesn't make sense to me yet. But the main content of the trauma was processed. This was my first big memory processed since beginning the blog. It may have been my first this year. Since my last major healing event, processing has slowed down greatly, thank goodness.

The big unknown is whether this memory still has unprocessed aspects that I will need to know one day. This particular memory has come up several times over the past 10 years because of the intensity and the different messages. I've shared before that I have had several major integrations. This last healing felt like three previously integrated parts coming back to give me the new pieces.

The backlash, as I call it, is that the emotional distress that I had been feeling in the background as depression is now surging through my body as "mine" and it feels awful. I wonder how I survived knowing most of me has always been THAT depressed and THAT terrified. I can barely stand it when three are sad and/or scared. And that's where I am today. Caught in that place of wanting to die just because it would be easier and knowing I could have a better rest of my life if I ride out the discomfort.

When all settles down, one day I will realize that "today is a good day" and the worst will be over...for now. We survived our horrors because our innate will to survive triumphed over the trauma.I personally believe we all survived for a reason. What if we don't allow ourselves to live to know that reason? Maybe the reason is giving DID a strong voice so we can change the world on this issue. And that means we need every survivor joining together to be heard.

Our time is coming. Changes are being made slowly in our country. Massachusetts has already figured this out. Maybe they will be the nation's role model. The Obama Administration promises resources toward protecting the children. Grassroots efforts will finally have as much weight as the formerly big lobbyists. There will be a way we can finally be heard.

Election results may impact survivors

Some survivors are experiencing messages and fears as the election draws near. Most who have survived organized pedophilia are likely to have messages related to doomsday, the coming of the apocalypse, end of times, end of the world. This is actual self-destruct motivated. If you have such thoughts and fears, know that what you are experiencing happens to many survivors. My one client went through at least four dates during our work together when she was convinced the world was going to end. It's not going to happen.

If you have a therapist and experience strong messages and fear, being in touch or reinforcing a safety plan would be good. If you know how to do your own internal work, you might ask those with the messages and fears to move into a special safe place where they know they don't have to act on the messages and don't have to see what's going on outside in the world. If you see a therapist, the containment on your own until you have a session again would be helpful.

Unfortunately, the only thing that convinces alters that the world is not going to end is seeing the day after that the world is still okay. What happens is the fear can become so overwhelming, you may begin to believe you are better off self-destructing than see what happens on the date or event. Don't let this happen to you.

To be safe, make sure, if you can, a trusted person knows of your whereabouts until after the event. Check in with the friend on a regular basis or, if available, leave voicemails or send emails to your therapist periodically stating you are okay. Understand this is something the abusers wanted you to think and act on. You have choices now.

I wish I could say this will never come up again. For some, there are layers of these kinds of messages meant to trigger with certain world events. The messages are lies meant to hurt you. It doesn't help that television and other media might be giving the same kinds of messages. Change the channel or stop watching. Use safe place, slowed breathing, and comfort objects. Possibly draw or collage the messages to get them out safely.

Some religions use this kind of prophecy...end of times. Even if you are part of such a religious group, you can tell yourself that it does not mean you and it does not mean now. Abusers count on these messages to destroy their once victims as adults. It's called "suiciding". Don't let yourself succumb to what they wanted for you. You have a purpose for having survived their horror.

I went through this on 9/11/2001. It can be quite intense and can be accompanied by spinning and headaches. You have some basic tools to stop the spinning. Be safe. Be gentle with yourselves.