Internal Understanding vs. External Belief

I am the first to admit the answers uncovered from my decades of amnesia have been unbelievable from the very beginning. It is most difficult to explain how answers come together from a massive cloud of amnesia that was a person's life and it is individual for each survivor. We don't make this stuff up. I believe I'm certainly not the first looking to prove what I'm remembering can't possibly be true. However, there comes a time when the level of unbelievability has a rhyme and reason to it. No one ever wanted anyone to believe what happened to us.

My most recent post still has me whirling and riddled with enormous emotions. I'm sure explaining this process of healing sounds possibly lacking in emotion to make sense of it as a cohesive narrative, but it is definitely not the case.

I know not all who read my blog believe my truth. Since much can't be validated in a court of law, it is my truth alone. However the enormity of survivors around the world with similar memories leads us to believe the same traumas seem to occur, just in different locations and by different people. Most of us do believe there is a manual, for lack of a better term, because what they do to create a dissociative child to become a skilled multitasked "slave" well into adulthood has been proven to work.

I don't ask for belief of my story per se to those who are not survivors. I know other survivors of this nightmare find solace and possibly some validation from the similar types of things they see in my history. But for those seeing this blog and writing it off as absurd, you are the people who allow such horrors to continue so widely and in plain sight. My purpose for this blog has always been to ask for an open mind so the next time you see or hear of something similar, your awareness grows.

It has taken me since 1997 to recover what I have and still there are tons of gaps in my life. I think only certain memories surface to give us some kind of timeline and meaning. Some memories have come up and processed on their own or in a single therapy session while others, like that in the last post, have been trying to come up for 15 years now. I'm sure it's not the last but possibly I'm getting close. The last post was not about memory as much as my history which can only come from an internal source of knowing. I suggest a resource in the post. None of it is easy to comprehend.

I thank my followers and especially those who support me. I'd like to share the huge anger that came from me as an aftermath to knowing of my possible origins. The Polyvore art was done after the writing.

*******

I hate that I had this life

I hate that what was done to me interferes with having a good present day life

I hate that amnesia affects me nearly every day in some regard

I hate the struggle of being me

I hate the strain that being me places on every other relationship in my life

I hate wrestling everyday between dreams for the future or dying so I can just stop this constant battle

I hate that I am back at square one with who I am

I am wrought with grief that I was likely a hidden child made through an agreement with the government and the man who called himself my father

I hate that I live every day in fear of my life 

I belong to no one. I relate to no one as family. I am alone. Aside from my current loving relationship, I feel I have no worth except to those I help online.

I hate this strong anger I am feeling while releasing these thoughts.

I hate that I hate my life and more than anything wish for a glimmer of who I truly am

When The Unbelievable Becomes True

I've been researching mind control for over a decade to include the programs and information released under the Freedom of Information Act. I've been able to sort out what is true and not true for me and my memories or personal history. One part of the information that floods mind control sites has to do with Illuminati bloodlines and how children of royal bloodlines are hidden with other families. I always discounted such information as intentionally misleading to make all mind control information unbelievable.

Genetics and DNA are a huge part of the message of my collages and art over the years but never had an explanation for what was done or how. I thought perhaps my DNA had been tampered with for certain diseases...to make me immune. For example, I've never had the flu or strep throat when everyone around me did.

One consistent message was I was swapped at birth. In the 1950s, whether or not the mother was knocked out on drugs, the baby was whisked away to be cleaned off and then presented with a clean baby upon waking. And it's a no brainer when one is born in a hospital on a military facility known for engaging in the government's covert programs, as I was.

The objective was for me to have as traumatic an experience as possible in the womb to precondition me to dissociating if not in the womb, then easily once I as born. They needed controlled settings. While the public believes cloning and other genetic feats are fairly recent, it has been proven repeatedly that the government is 20-40 years ahead in science and technology before the public ever knows. This is one of those areas where I encourage readers to do their own research rather than take my word for it.

Recently, an online survivor friend was working on a memory that led to her Illuminati connection. I listened and watched her processing and she came up with an answer that certainly seemed plausible. I realized since I had never believed "the hidden Illuminati child" theory that I had never asked inside about whether that was true for me. So I asked the question.

Typically, questions directed inside come up slowly and in puzzle pieces that eventually make sense. This time, the answer came over me immediately as a complete explanation. It wasn't a memory. It was an explanation of my beginnings which goes with inner wisdom. I have spoken much of inner wisdom according to Carl Jung's definition because that is exactly as I have experienced it over the years. That part of me is tapped into universal consciousness and truly knows everything. I strongly suggest the book Jung's Map of the Soul for those interested in an easy-to-understand intro to Jung because his work is so complicated to read and digest.

This is my belief without a doubt regardless of another's belief in it's plausibility. It makes sense from every possible aspect for me. I've been getting some information since 11 years before my memories began. All had been processed inside and I guess the time was right for me to ask that I got a complete answer.

Part of my answer is the assumption of a royalty sperm bank. I don't know if selection is random or intentional. But my mother's egg was fertilized with sperm from a royal donor and a fertilized egg was implanted in a surrogate who was part of the mind control world. I believe my mother was highly dissociative or very easy to  hypnotize to engage in some events in my life for which she has no memory. Likely the egg implantation occurred after my mother became pregnant by her husband.

My birth would have been traumatic...C-section according to my internal messages and collages. The surrogate mother may have had multiple births which would also explain feeling an emptiness or loss throughout my life. My father had agreed to this program before impregnating my mother so he knew his own child was turned over to the MC world and his job was to be my terrifying handler. If my mother had given birth to a boy, he lost his only son because his other children were girls. Another reason for him to hate my existence.

My previous blog entry speaks of a program to establish a colony on the moon in the event of a cataclysmic event on Earth. I wondered how I was chosen for THAT program. Now I understand that only those with a royal bloodline would have been trained to complete such a mission. Not only would it be a utopian New World Order society, it would be from all royal bloodlines.

My collages not long ago revealed a program going with my mother that I now understand was showing me I was part of her. It angers me even more that the man who tormented and tortured me for years was not even a relative. I was a hidden child.

I question whether the royals who made donations to the sperm bank even knew about it. We know now that a teenager just had to be highly suggestive to hypnosis to do anything asked, even if against their will. It doesn't mean all royalty is part of some master plan; but whatever group is behind this world plan does know the big picture of the universe they strive to turn into their utopian society.

Having gone through an identity meltdown when I learned I had DID and again when I learned I was intentionally made DID, I now must process this new information. What does this mean to me. I know who I look like now. I never thought I looked like my father when people said I did. I saw the resemblance to my mother only as an adult during one of our last "family" gatherings.

I will never have DNA validation but my internal message is so strong there is no denying my genetic beginnings. I still don't believe all that is said about Illuminati bloodlines and prefer to call it royalty. I'm sure much misinformation is "out there" to make my memories seem entirely implausible. But my purpose in having this blog is to tell my truth.

Father of the Bride by grace2244 featuring TIARA