For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Apr 25, 2011

Monarchs, Milkweed, and Pixie Dust

More Tinkerbelle Programming
Warning to programmed survivors with mind control programming.

I woke up this morning with an answer: “pixie dust” is milkweed”. I ran to the computer and googled milkweed. Germaine facts to me and my system: it is the sole source of food for Monarch butterflies; it is used for medicinal purposes but can also contain a toxin called cardenolides which is a compound that can stop the heart; the seeds are pods which, when open, contain a fluffy white silky substance that is considered a parachute seed because of the way it floats in the wind.

Tinkerbelle Faith Trust Pixie Dust 042511

How this translates to my programming

My recent Polyvore sets show Tinkerbelle regenerating…she keeps creating another self as one of her heals. However, her “pixie dust” also spread seeds to grow milkweed inside. In other words, these are the words that go with my inner world. Basically, I was designed to regenerate my system if I got to this place of healing and the self-destruct had been overcome.

After having all this information come to me and creating a set about it, I had some quiet time before leaving for my therapy appointment. I learned from inside that any alter who was shrouded in a milkweed pod was rescued and all milkweed seeds prior to creating a new alter had been made dormant.

Because of the work done at The Center through hypnotherapy, Spencer was able to take the Delgado part of the system into his control. The Delgado introject is contained. Am sure his external death will bring about an internal incident that will result in ultimately healing that part of me.

I believe the secret of the milkweed came from the last Tinkerbelle to surface…the one shown in the Polyvore set from last night:

 Tink Watercolor Dreams 042411

I could go back to sets from the beginning to see that this had been a major part of my programming:


This set was probably done in early 2009 and was named Monarch and Milkweeds! One of yesterday’s sets is typical of what I now see when I return to the Tinkerbelle sets. In the one image of her in the fetal position in white, she appears as what would be inside a milkweed pod:

 Tinkerbelle Keeps on Ticking 042411

My sets of last night had me frightened of driving this morning so I had arranged for my partner to take me to therapy. I was relieved to learn it was because I was so triggered from getting answers that I wouldn’t have been able to drive safely….as opposed to Tinkerbelle planning to take over and cause me to be in a car accident. Even good answers about programming come from a trauma “bubble” which creates much anxiety.

My session today focused on garnering the resources within me to honor the healing and to thank Tinkerbelle for choosing to heal and stop the madness of the regenerating pods. Sounds like a science fiction plot.

My particular program was/is referred to as Monarch programming, but I’ve shared before that I do not think it was the official name of the government program. Clearly Monarch butterflies and their habits were predominant characteristics of alters; i.e., “returning home”. The milkweed was a surprise. Hope I can take a big whoosh now and focus on mending the body rather than on what is being plotted in my subconscious against me.

Apr 23, 2011

Tinkerbelle Programming

As a child programmed according to government design/blueprint/neuorophysics or whatever was done, what I found is likely to be in other survivors. So please use caution when reading if you are a survivor. My programming may not be the same but I prefer to place a warning. I did have many Disney characters within but I called them "fractured fairytales", a term from The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show. Internal stories were intentionally confusing.

While Mickey Mouse was not a story, he was made to be a primary character/essence within me. Initially seeing Mickey Mouse was benign. The programming that led me to seek safety at a facility included Mickey Mouse as the master demon inside me. I'm actually grateful for not having the terror along the road of healing. I will never know if that was the doing of my protector or simply how my healing path arose.

Tinkerbelle had appeared early in healing as a helpful part. I first recall her volunteering to find hidden gyroscopes inside to help stop a major spinning program which made me feel dizzy and nauseous non-stop. After her help, the program slowed down and came to a halt within a day or two. The next time Tinkerbelle came up, she came up with other alters named after characters from Peter Pan. I had thought Peter Pan was the devil placed within me. I also had tremendous confusion about my sisters. Tinkerbelle seemed to "go with" my younger sister but then I would immediately get a conflicting message about my older sister. I did guided imagery to send the parts back to whom they belonged. I realize now no one ever was more of a containment exercise to tuck those alters safely away until I could deal with the programming.

It didn't dawn on me that I might have several Tinkerbelles. Through Polyvore processing my first year, I figured out the very confusing Alice in Wonderland crap we mind control survivors all seem to have. My Alice turned out to be the fusion of Dorothy from Oz, Alice of Wonderland, Tink, and Belle (four alters). I thought all was healed with that integration.

But the programming that led me to the hospital for safety was older and younger sister trauma bonding. The younger sister was connected to Tinkerbelle all along and I believe it was another version of Tink that flew up into my neck at The Center.

This past week I had a session with my therapist explaining something was still in the back of my neck and I kept having disturbing images of knives and pills. My Polyvore sets showed me there was a second Tinkerbelle hidden behind the programming. If the programming were to be dismantled, she simply had the "job" of killing the body. She wasn't a program but she was very strong willed.

I felt sorry for my therapist. Tink "flew" out with an angry voice telling her "I hate you". I was listening from the background. She had been kept hidden deep inside and only knew a world of lies to include that love was pain and pain was love. My therapist countered all the lies and invited her to peek into the world inside where all the others had healed...a world she had been told was dangerous and filled with lies. But she did let that wall down and chose to cross over to the healing side.

Once in Spencer's world, there was no going back but she was asked to consider her options before fleeing. My head actually felt and moved as if an entity were flying around like a moth trapped in a jar. She has settled down and shown me through Polyvore how there were many Tinkerbelles in the system. While I've still had the occasional image of my own demise, I think it is due to her lack of tolerance of the head pain of my current concussion. Now that she knows pain is not love, she despises pain and I have thoughts of not being able to live with the pain. So I guess I can't blame her. I'll have to believe it will get better in 3 to 4 weeks.

Last night I either was lucid dreaming or thinking and fell asleep but distinctly recalled the name of a television show. I couldn't remember this morning so Googled television shows of the 80s and then the 90s and found Picket Fences. Tink was telling me her prison was picket fences. I love the set she did this morning because Dr. Doyle at the center had used stars as a symbol of hope for me when I was depressed. I hope this means she is now safe to the body and choosing to heal.

I wish I'd had the opportunity to truly love my sisters. I see how the programming was designed for us never to be close. But I can develop a close and loving internal relationship.

Apr 16, 2011

Getting to Internal Safety–Aftermath of Abuser Death

I received news of my abuser father’s death on 2/10 and overdosed on 3/13 (see previous blog post). After being discharged from the hospital on 3/15 I began to do art therapy on Polyvore. It showed me that first failed attempt was tied to a series of alters, each a back up for the other…and each with a different method of demise. I hadn’t fought the alter who took the pills. I was co-conscious with her. But the methods tied to the others in the series terrified me. At the end of the three or four other alter attempts was what felt inside to be the introject of Jose Delgado. I felt and believed it could kill me internally without any help from the outside. He was also ready, willing, and able to follow through. My therapist and I both began to make calls to The Center.

While the death programming was triggered by the father’s death, I had been struggling with increased depression for approximately six months. I had tried several adjunct antidepressants along with my Cymbalta until I intuited I needed to back down from the maximum dose of Cymbalta instead of trying to add more meds onto it. I had backed off from 120 mg per day to 90. My therapist shared just prior to my admission she had read research that SSRIs usually wore off after a year or two although they worked very well in the beginning. She reminded me to point that out to the psychiatrist on staff at The Center. Had I not been so depressed when the news of my father began to have aftershocks, perhaps I would have had more strength to fight the programming and dismantle it with the help of my therapist. I also realized my older sister’s birthday had been just a few days before the overdose and I had several introjects of her tied to the programming. So many variables for this storm inside me.
I was able to meet with the psychiatrist the day of admission and together we decided to wean off the Cymbalta and try Pristiq, a similar antidepressant that was normally tolerated well by those on Cymbalta. It was the only meds change suggested…another relief.

My time on the internet was greatly limited and art therapy had been my primary mode of healing from the beginning. Polyvore completely replaced my magazine collages so I was frustrated that tool was basically removed from my healing arsenal. Likely due to the programming, I didn’t get to a place where I felt I could focus on the internal work until the day of my second individual counseling session a week later. Friday was mostly meetings with the people I’d be working with and the weekend was very long and terrifying for me feeling like a ticking bomb.

I had just begun a group on Friday morning where Dr. Glenn Doyle was the facilitator. I felt good energy emanating from him, liked his way of interacting with the group, and knew I wanted him as my individual therapist. Less than five minutes into that group I had been called out but was so grateful to feel that connection. I told everyone I could that I wanted Dr. Doyle as my individual counselor. Someone was able to check and saw I had been assigned to him which did help somewhat.

Over the weekend, one patient was discharged but not before we realized the night before that we were friends from Polyvore and immediately hugged. She adored Dr. Doyle and assured me he knew of mind control, SRA, and programming and it was okay to speak of it. We shared for a few hours before it was bedtime and had a chance to speak in the morning before her discharge. She gave me some questions Dr. Doyle had given her for homework which helped keep me busy until I saw him on Monday. A most serendipitous meeting but wishing we had figured out our connection two days earlier.

Dr. Doyle does hypnotherapy and for the first time in my conscious life, I went to a level where I was “gone” for about 20 minutes of the session. Apparently he just spoke to parts generally to let them know his voice and allow the healed ones to know he was safe. That was Monday. On Tuesday, Dr. Doyle ran at least one of the groups and the Delgado part hated him. As soon as he came into the room I felt movement inside me that felt like kicking or a child’s hand punching. Dr. D paused in the group and said some words to the part and the internal punching stopped.

PIW - Struggling 032711

During my second meeting with Dr. D on Wednesday, I again was gone for 20 minutes. When I woke up, his face appeared as if he had just seen a ghost. I said something to him like “that part can kick my butt, can’t it?” He nodded and said we would work slowly. Fortunately, in the evenings I had just enough time to do one or two Polyvore sets and would email them to him. My set that night was frightening.

I only had individual counseling Monday and Wednesday but Dr. D ran two groups on Friday. I began biting my tongue every time I tried to speak, and it hurt. Before he left on Friday evening he was very kind to do a quick hypnosis to extinguish the tongue biting. I didn’t want that to be happening all weekend.

For our third session, I was consciously connected to Dr. D’s voice the entire time (I think). He asked me what I thought he should focus on. I told him my protector Spencer knew “the plan” and needed Dr. D to work with me while Spencer did his part. But I didn’t know the plan. I heard Dr. D asking for Spencer and about the plan but all I felt was huge resistance so he worked with the resistance instead. Five hours later, I was on Polyvore and Spencer showed me what was behind the big scary “curtain” of Delgado. It was two sister introjects bound together in chains. The younger sister part was still loyal to Delgado and ready to follow through with the programming. The older sister part showed she was not wanting to die and a chain between the sisters was shown to be broken. When I went to bed, Spencer said the sisters had blocked his voice and he needed Dr. D to break the programming because they could hear him. Dr. Doyle got his answer but I had to wait two more days to see Dr. D again. I feared knowing the sisters were behind the scary Delgado fa├žade made it even more likely the programming would go off and kill me with an aneurysm or something else connected to the brain.

PIW - The Plan 040511

Wednesday morning I learned Dr. D would not be coming in and I had no idea if I would see him on Thursday or if he would just do his normal Thursday schedule. I was panicked. During early afternoon group, the facilitator entered and used the words I had collaged previously that I knew were part of the code phrase to trigger the programming. It went off. I immediately felt something “fly” up into the back of my neck by my brain. I truly felt I was going to die any second. The facilitator was not understanding my attempts to get her attention for help so I left the group and went to the nurse’s station. One of the very kind nurses saw how freaked out I was and sat in “the quiet room” with me to help me calm down. She then asked if I was okay to be alone and the part who had taken over answered yes. While alone I began to scratch at my wrist with my nails. I was an observer in the background.

Scratching was something my younger sister did in real life. She was very aggressive and would attack me and older sister with kicking, biting, hair pulling, and scratching. I realized the program went off but only the younger sister part followed through. She was powerless to cause death. I was relieved to know it was not as powerful but I still needed Dr. D’s help to eradicate the program and set the sisters free from the trauma bond to Delgado.

I had the willpower to take sufficient control to walk to the nurse’s station and ask for help to stop scratching my arm. Dr. Doyle saw me first thing when he came in mid-day Thursday and successfully undid the program and anything else that may have been placed in me for harm purposes. It was the first time I felt safe inside my own body since 3/13. I knew I was technically safe to discharge but believed two other issues caused my constant passive death thoughts. I asked if I could stay to see him a few more times before discharge to ensure I was stabilized. That did happen and I have my first session with my own therapist since discharge on 4/13 next week. I wanted Dr. D to do what he felt would be most helpful for my therapist to continue her work with me on my last day.

I entered The Center knowing exactly what programming needed to be undone and I knew that would be in individual counseling. The main focus of The Center, however, is group work which probably is very effective for those without the sophisticated programming found in some SRA realms and the government related programs. However, I did learn and benefited from attending the groups as well.

What I most want to say is the death of a parent abuser is unexpected and traumatic even if we are thinking (as I was) that there would just be relief and possibly celebration. Nearly half of the patient community had recently had an abusive parent die. Even though I had been a therapist, I was unaware of this backlash. I knew that often memories did not surface until an abusive parent or both parents died. But I really thought I had worked through all the father issues. I urge you to have a safety plan if you are a survivor and still have a living parent who was an abuser. You will likely need minimally stronger support from your therapist to get through that time and more self care and nurturing.

This is a long post but wanted to tie it all together in one place. I did have some separation anxiety leaving The Center after three weeks. Coming home was not the smooth joyful transition I expected. I needed adjustment time. I returned home Wednesday evening and had nurturing activities planned for Thursday and Friday. That helped immensely. And even though I successfully transitioned from Cymbalta to my target dosage of Pristiq, I may not feel the impact for a month or longer. I am still depressed and have to be mindful of thinking logically versus depression thinking. In a sense, coming home was like returning to the scene of the crime. Much reflection and sadness.

We need more Dr. Glenn Doyles in the world. I am so grateful my therapist knew of The Center and that Dr. Doyle understood mind control and programming for the help I needed. The psychiatrist I first met with that day of admission and Friday went on vacation and her replacement was wonderful. Again, this world is so lacking in psychiatrists who understand dissociation let alone who are wonderful people willing to work with their patients for the best medication regime.

Several patients were back for repeat visits because of additional crises. I never anticipated acting on suicidal ideation let alone feeling I would need to be in a safe facility to keep parts of me from acting on their programming. The FMSF created such fear by therapists to treat dissociative disorders that only a few good places remain available in the country for the help I needed. I pray one day reason will prevail over fear and centers will open again and insurance companies will not deny such critical care.

Thank you to The Center staff who got me through this terrifying episode in my healing and to all who supported me while I was there.