Warning: Oz the Great and Powerful

For survivors of MC who are new to healing, I recommend not seeing the newly released Disney movie, Oz the Great and Powerful. It could be highly triggering and possibly set off programming you have yet to discover. It combines two stories which MC survivors often find twisted together as programming. It took me a year to untangle it and I still get occasional pieces. The self harm part has been disconnected in me though.

I am unsure if this applies to RA survivors unless you are unsure if government programming was involved too. Highly sophisticated RA cults may use such programming however.

If you do see movie, please know your coping skills. If you have seen it and began having great difficulty, please discuss with your therapist. I only know this is a common theme from the more than 200 members in my Polyvore art group. Those known to have MC backgrounds have art that almost always combines the two stories that are shown in the new Oz movie.

Please share this information with fellow survivors.

Fear of No Fear

I realize there is a gap since my last post in terms of healing. Please know more has processed and healed still connected to Rose but it has not been life threatening and easily undone in therapy. I have lacked a desire to write for quite awhile. Through a friend I joined a challenge to write mindfully about a moment each day. Short and sweet. I was also referred to an easy-to-read and digest book to help with inciting the creative processes...introspection. The book is called A Year Of Questions, how to slow down and fall in love with life by Fiona Robyn.

What keeps me from enjoying life? What most gets in my way of doing things I'd like to be doing? What would life be like if I just "let it go". Fear and death. I am afraid every time I leave my home. I feel safer when with my husband but still have my guard up. I've written of this fear before, I'm sure. Yet I felt free in France. I could "let it go".

I live in the same place where I was abused and used for covert purposes between 1967 and 1997. The cult, the government, the government-related people are still here. Maybe some or even most have died. But I am monitored and believe I will be until I die at my own hand or of natural causes. They need the date because I was part of a birth to death project. It's been awhile since I've noticed one of three vehicles and different people who sporadically follow me and make themselves known.

Even if I knew I would never be followed again, I know that my friend who was speaking out against her abuse by the Department of Energy and had her medical records to prove it was killed. I know government type people came into her home terrifying her husband and children and confiscated the books, files and information she had shown me when I visited her. Dead in her thirties two days after the meeting where she spoke had been televised. Too many people actually listened to her. So there's that.

When do I cross the line? I did stop pursuing one line of validation because of that fear. I just knew I'd be dead before ever having proof. My guard is up. I know a van can swoop by and I could be pulled in within seconds which is why I don't get my own gasoline. I've come to learn volunteer fire department personnel and community police officers are part of the local underworld and I don't know who can be trusted if I did need help.

The book asked if I could visualize my life if I let that obstacle of fear go. Yes, I'd be dead. Several therapists point out no one has tried to hurt me since healing and speaking out on behalf of survivors and educating via my blogs. I point out it's because I haven't crossed the line yet. Maybe overly guarded is more accurate than living in fear. I am fearful of letting down that protective guard.

This is the energy that keeps me exhausted. Or lack of energy. Tired of being on guard. Tired of feeling like I'm still someone's prey. I'll keep working on it.

"Prey"

Synchronicity & Finding Rose

A week ago I returned from France which was both a wonderful vacation and amazing journey of synchronicity. This is my attempt to explain how I was led to the part of me known as Rose living at 44°N in Avignon. I'll begin by stating I had a quandary of which stuffed animal would travel with me since I always take a comfort item for littles (young alters) within me. I had wanted to take my larger plush bunny but ended up taking a small pink bunny which had been being held by my doll named Raven. Raven represents my entire subconscious programmed world. The part of me who was so tortured to create that world within me was Ellie. Ellie split off and sent the goodness of her being off into the universe, sacrificing herself and saving her spirit and positive emotions. I found in my review of older Polyvore sets (see previous post) that Rose went with a pink bunny. I didn't realize the irony of my choosing the pink bunny to take with me until later. At the time, size was the factor.

The day we arrived in Paris, our first destination, the left side of my face had it's own features. I had "company" with me, unknown at the time. I could see the difference in the first photo taken of me. It wasn't a frightened part. And I had no knowledge or hint at age or name. I knew the first step of my Rose journey was going to be The Church of the Sacred Heart at the peak of Montmartre in Paris. I scoured the grounds for signs of a Mother Mary statue to no avail. It was nonetheless beautiful and the tiered town was so quaint and lovely.

On Day 3 we were off to our long-term destination of Avignon (a/k/a 44°N). Our first day in Avignon, we went to the location of the gold statue of Mother Mary which stood atop a building next to the ancient papal palace.

In online photos before the trip to France, it seemed that her arms were spread apart in a welcoming gesture. But her left arm and hand are pointing forward and downward. I wandered about until I felt I was at the location where she was pointing. I turned to take a photo and it was a house with the number 17. Mostly I giggled because that is a number that goes with my inner wisdom. I kept waiting for something to zap me because I was so sure I would find Rose in the area of the statue. That was not to be the case. My second night in Avignon I had a vivid dream/image of me at age three screaming. My mouth was nearly a perfect circle and a pink mist was coming out. I assumed it represented the moment I split and released Rose into the ether.

On day 3 we took the bus to Aix (pronounced "Ex"), Aix-en-Provence. It was bus #17 and it cost each of us 17 euros for a ticket. Brian had found the city in his research and I was happy to go exploring. Upon arriving, we managed to get lost immediately walking about an hour before finally finding the very ritzy shopping area of town. The first shop we passed was to my right. A pink shop for baby wear and accessories. I saw a huge pink bunny with smaller identical bunnies out of the corner of my eye. I was compelled to go get a bunny. I walked in directly to the bunnies, found the one that was closest in size to my traveling pink bunny and brought it to the cashier. While she was ringing up my purchase, I read the tag on the bunny. Her name was Lilirose. I smiled. I had brought my pink bunny that day via backpack and immediately put the two together.

The first bench we came to, we sat down to relax. I asked Brian to take a photo of me with the two bunnies. He suggested I walk over to the statue in the center of the plaza that I had not even noticed. He called it a gymnast. As I walked up to her, I had such an eerie feeling. The trauma leading to Rose's demise in my system included tortured ballerinas. I clearly saw this statue as a tortured ballerina. I stood beneath it for the photo.

After the photo, I returned to the bench to get my camera. After shooting from both side angles, I walked around and saw her face. I gasped out loud. She looked like every early magazine picture I had of Ellie...bald, terrified, screaming. And her mouth looked just like the image from my dream.

The statue was part of an exhibit on loan to Aix-en-Provence. Chances are, if we had taken our trip any other year, I would not have found her. Our having been lost no longer seemed to be a coincidence. Had we gone the correct way to begin with, I would not have come upon the baby store and likely we would not have stopped by this statue. To add to the synchronicity, after coming home, I tried to find an image of the baby store online. While I didn't find an exterior photo, I did find their phone number which validated the synchronicity. I'd been taking photos of lots of numbers that day, especially house number 22 and phone numbers with lots of 4s and 2s on signs. The phone number for the store was: 04.42.22.09.24. I see the 09 as symbolic for September.

That night, back in Avignon, I woke up with a nightmare. I don't remember the details but I do recall my tummy gurgling a lot. That used to be the way one of my parts communicated with me. I had heard the gurgling rather loudly before going to sleep but thought I was hungry and just ate a snack. I knew after the nightmare Rose was with me. Ellie had come to me through a nightmare as well. I was so happy to feel the gurgling although I felt no other emotional connection or communication from Rose.

The following day I was feeling blocked from internal communication and decided to listen to one of the healing guided imageries I often listen to for relaxation and falling asleep. During that time, I was able to see Rose and adult Ellie run into each others arms in joyful reunion. Almost immediately though, Ellie turned into a baby. Rose picked her up. My internal motherly caretaker appeared to offer assistance, but Rose said she'd like to take care of baby Ellie and would ask for help if needed. Later in the imagery, I had an odd internal view of what looked like a tall person in a pink rabbit suit guide me into my heart (the main focus of the particular guided imagery). I followed the "rabbit" but something insect or fairylike came between us. The fairy blossomed into a gorgeous crystal-like winged fairy that seemed to be also like a butterfly. I had thought that was Rose going into my heart but never felt a connection or any particular emotion.

The next day I kept wondering if Rose planned on leaving 44N. It was so beautiful. Why would anyone want to leave that and enter my still somewhat traumatized mind and body. Thoughts of her having taken baby Ellie with her nagged at me. Answers gradually followed for the remainder of the trip. Rose's only purpose for entering my body was to rescue Ellie. Programming I had found forbidding the two to ever integrate in the body again had been found in Polyvore sets. For Rose and Ellie to heal together, it had to be outside the body. While slightly disappointed after my anticipation of finding Rose, I was happy as long as they were both safe and happy. Apparently the "tall pink rabbit" was an alter smuggling Ellie out and the fairy-like creature blocked the view of Rose once again escaping through my breath, but this time with baby Ellie. I felt and still feel a bit empty. Ellie is the part of me who so wanted to die. And since she released all other emotions to Rose, no wonder she never was able to rise above that tortured place. Perhaps I had just grown accustomed to holding that heaviness and now it felt only empty.

More synchronicities existed but this is sufficient to relay the outcome. I returned from France without Rose or Ellie. The other part of this complex ruse was that Gracie, who integrated in June, did share Rose's spirit and was an identical twin to Ellie. When Gracie entered the body, Ellie immediately went into hiding to await her rescue. The parts of me who might still have tried to sabotage my life or prevent Ellie's rescue had been fooled. And I certainly had been surprised, I guess by necessity.

The healing is that Ellie is completely free of my body, which had always been her wish. She was replaced by a healed "body double" so no one inside could tell the difference and no programming was set off. Her regression to an infant allowed Rose to raise her with love and safety which would provide her with the loving happy childhood she never had. Or however that plays out in the astral plane.

Rose with baby Ellie somewhere 44N.

P.S. During my first therapy appointment after coming home, a young alter named Mary spoke most of the session. I was co-conscious. Mary is my little Catholic girl and she had been the one out with me since Paris. She was there for the quest for Mother Mary.

44° North - Explaining the Unexplicable

Apparently I've never written of this part of my healing. At least searching my blog yields no results for key words. Early in healing I had a protector who went with 44N. I had no idea what it meant at the time except that it was a brand of clothing. In 2005, my now husband and I took a trip to Italy. One of the locations I happened to find online: a gorgeous view from a bed & breakfast atop a hill in Cinque Terre. We did our own itinerary. We were able to get reservations at THE B&B whose website I'd found. The trip was booked. Before the vacation, I began to get internal messages as I always do. But I was getting 44N so loudly. Eventually I started looking up the cities we were to stay in to see what longitude and latitude they were. Milan was too far north and Tuscany too far south. Cinque Terre was 44.1° N. At first I was frightened I was going to relive some trauma when I visited. My inner wisdom assured me I'd be fine and see the answers in my photos when I returned.

Indeed, I did see things in my photos and also began to feel healing. It was Gracie who surfaced and who recently integrated into my heart in early June this year. This is the photo that most impacted me.

I hadn't noticed at the time I took the photo that the branches of the vine or olive tree formed the shape of a heart.

I'd had a previous experience with 44°N and this new experience solidified that it meant great healing. Soon my husband and I are off to Paris and Avignon for vacation. Brian had chosen Avignon which sounded perfect to me. My last post in this blog had me processing trauma constantly connected to Iran when I again got hit repeatedly with the 44N message. I immediately checked Paris which was too high. Avignon, however, is 44.0° N. I nearly fainted. Brian said it was impossible because he thought it was so much further south than Italy. Not the case.

My internal processing shifted from Iran (my early teen years) to a huge trauma that shattered my three-year-old being in Germany in 1955. I got the memory in a very detailed manner as well as how part of me split off during the trauma and escaped to 44N in France. New pictures of her showed her healed and an adult. This brings the term "parallel universe" into play. How did that happen? Is it just a story given to me that is coincidental to my travels? How did I manage to go to 44°N twice without conscious realization? And why couldn't they return to me instead of my going to them?

When this message surfaced I was driven (obsessed) to make sure I had saved all of my Polyvore sets...a project that had been more done than not. I dove in and saved every relevant set since the beginning. I also found two DVDs with Polyvore sets from four years ago, the beginning of Polyvore for me and the end of handmade collages. Within those long forgotten sets I could see that most of my programmed system began with that trauma in 1955. Rose represented something programmers wanted eliminated from my being. Her destruction was targeted and resulted in half of her remaining in the trauma as what they wanted her to be and her other half escaped as Rose. I also found a frightening set that clearly showed programming for me to self-destruct should Gracie and Rose ever reunite within me.

I then understood why there were two separate 44N locations. It was dangerous for them to have escaped together. The programming was undone early in 2011 when I had such a difficult time and had overdosed because of a perp part hidden inside despite several previous integrations. It hadn't been safe for Rose to return until that perp and his associated alters were healed. Since then Gracie integrated. It is now safe.

Sets of Rose show her closely connected to Mother Mary. In Avignon is a beautiful gold statue of Mother Mary where logic tells me I might encounter this part of me; but logic has never really worked in the past. I had no idea going to Italy what 44°N meant but, now that I do, I am so excited as are several inside who had been strongly connected to Rose before she left. Most thought she had died but some showed me in my art that they knew of the secret of her hiding and healing.

Call it what you want. The story comes from within but this is only my second European vacation and the only two I've had with Brian. So many questions to be asked of the universe. A sort of invisible miracle? Regardless, healing is healing. I'll take it however it comes to me.

This set was done in February 2009 and named Rose - Safe in a Parallel Universe. She goes with the nautilus, pink roses, and hearts. The following set shows she has emerged from the shell and is awaiting "rescue".

 

I'm looking forward to writing of the reunion when I return...if it happens while I'm there. It did take Gracie several months to make her internal presence known and seven years to integrate.

Shocked...Stunned...Speechless

Just when I thought my life of processing new memories was slowing down, I stumbled on a very conscious connection that had me trembling and once again wondering about my life. I woke up yesterday morning (8/8/12) trapped in a very upsetting nightmare. Repeatedly I have had dreams and nightmares where my life in Iran (1964-1967, ages 12-15) clashes with my adult working life. Yesterday I was so stuck between awake and being pulled back into my subconscious, it took me hours to get grounded. I even took a small dose of anti-anxiety because my head was so tight.

For answers or at least processing, I went to Polyvore collecting images of places I remembered about Iran. While doing so, I was led to many articles about the CIA's involvement in installing the Shah and making him their puppet. Agreements were made to appease the Shah by committing U.S. military aid. It is my belief that all of the military families and families of U.S. dignitaries, oil companies, and other U.S. government contractors had a father or family member who was connected to an intelligence agency. My friends at school were likely to have been raised as I was, although I have no proof of that.

Iran saw much unrest in 1963. Negotiations were made with the Shah in hopes of keeping him from allying with the Soviet Union. My family moved there in mid-1964. In researching the events leading up to the coup in 1963 that allowed the Shah to reign, I was led to Kermit Roosevelt, Jr., a U.S. spy placed undercover in Iran. What caught my attention was he went to work for Gulf Oil after retiring as a spy. The father of one of my close school friends in Iran also worked for Gulf Oil (although I didn't know if he worked for Gulf Oil while in Iran...but knew at least in 1974). I adored her father because he was so loving to his daughters...something I didn't have at home.

I was fortunate to reunite with several friends in the U.S. in my late teens and early 20s whom I'd met in Iran. I recall visiting her in Reston, Virginia where she was living with her father. I had no idea he built the town of Reston. It was there that I knew he was an executive for Gulf Oil. I even visited just the father several times when I was stationed in the Washington DC area after I left the Air Force in the early 70s. That memory prompted me to Google Russell McNutt.

My heart stopped before it felt like it was going to leap out of my chest. He had been identified as a KGB agent fairly recently and his history as a spy went back to the 1940s and The Manhattan Project. He was an engineer involved with processing uranium among other things. In the 60s, Iran was also beginning it's foray into nuclear energy. The fact that he had been recruited by Julius Rosenberg, who had been executed with his wife for espionage, and had escaped prosecution was rather terrifying. Although McNutt had been questioned, no evidence had been found of any criminal activity at the time of the Rosenberg arrests.

My first trauma memory of Russia is late 1964 which is validated by my report card indicating I was absent more than half of that semester from school...while still managing to earn all A's and no comment about my long absence. Yesterday's stunning revelation was completely conscious. I knew Russell McNutt. I loved Russell McNutt. But is there more? My memories from over the years tell me I was somehow connected to U.S., British, and Russian intelligence. Now I have validation I had first hand contact with a KBG agent. Was he a handler or worse? Did he train one of my Russian alters or all of my Russian alters? I may never know.

Russell McNutt died in early 2008 at age 93 a wealthy man living in the U.S. He evaded capture his entire life. He was contacted in 2007 when the KGB documents and Freedom of Information Act allowed new facts to surface about a spy previously only known by a code name. McNutt declined to speak with them.

I had tried to re-initiate contact with him by letter in the 80s or 90s by letter after finding his address online. He never responded so I stopped trying. I only knew him as a funny loving man, adored father of my friend. I only knew of trips he made to London on business where he'd buy the top songs on 45 records for us to hear months before they made it to the U.S. Armed Forces radio station.

Validation of having known a KGB agent up close and personal brings many feelings and unanswered questions. I know questions will only be answered if they leak through my amnesia. My feelings are confusion, betrayal (?), sadness. My conscious life once again is proven to have been surrounded by a public life with invisible underground connections. Nothing about him said spy or anything but a very nice man. But I did continue to seek him out even when his daughter, my friend, was an adult no longer living with him. I knew his new wife. His obituary says they had been married 36 years and she survived him. In Iran, I had known and loved his first wife as well. She felt like a second mother to me. Unfortunately, his first wife passed away in 1981.

A part of me is relieved he lived without capture and lived a very comfortable life. The rest of me is waiting for the next shoe to drop. Was yesterday's discovery preparation for the subconscious memories to arrive? Because of the original issue, the clash of Iran and my adult working world, I can only assume I was taught something in Iran that carried over into my adult work world. To this point, my only clear realization is I did something with stocks and bonds and/or foreign exchange. I also have a clear message that the U.S. and Russia were working together in the underground during the Cold War so possibly contact with both was for the same "side". How unsettling.

Yesterday I did several sets to process what was in my head on Polyvore. Each set included the same element as is at the top of this set. (I did not notice what I'm about to disclose until all the sets had been done and then I found the research on Russell A. McNutt.)

The element was the word IRAN except the N is changing to a Q. In each Polyvore set I covered up the Q with an object, consciously thinking I was just making sure the word IRAN was clear. The message in looking at my sets after being led to my friend's father became this: In most turning objects, the letter before is usually the one preceding it in the alphabet. M would precede the N if it were an alphabetical cylinder. McNutt's initials were R.A.M.  The three spheres indicate the focus of the word. When the realization makes me scream, I know I have the answer. Very early in my Polyvore life, four years ago, I did a set on Russia. Front and lower center is that same gun. In clue terms it connects Russia to Iran and McNutt. Do I really want to know more?

Feel free to do your own research on the names provided above. Other trustworthy sources are available. Worlds really do collide.

Relapse or Reality?

As described in my last post, my mood was boosted to a new level with a stronger emotional foundation from mid-June to the last week of July. Part of my delight was my greater capacity to love and feeling so good every day just prior to my marriage on July 22.

Many multiples tend to have multiple marriages. I was led to previous marriages by subconscious needs or messages. This is my first marriage where my now husband and I had been together 11 years. I was still quite fragmented when we first met and in heavy duty therapy. He was with me when I integrated and went through grad school and became a full time therapist. He was also there when my body fell apart in 2007 holding my hand through each hospitalization and being there for every surgery. I left my previous marriage when my husband no longer believed my abuse and offered no more emotional support. I had no doubt that my new husband would be there for me no matter what.

It's also the first marriage where I knew going into it about my diagnosis. No more secrets to come leaking out about my past. No major ones at least.  It was devastating to have been married for 18 years thinking we'd be together forever, only to have my DID surface and destroy what we'd had.

My marriage on the 22nd was lovely and we are so happy. Less than a week later though, I began to experience a body memory with no internal messages or flashbacks. I was totally lethargic and felt sick for several days. I may have been going through several memories and just did what I always do now...self care. I hated to admit I had fallen back after feeling so well. However, I knew my life may still have its bad days but I was going to have so many more better days now. I could accept that. And so could my husband.

In the past, before the integration of the strong loving feelings, being stuck in a body memory would have me falling into depression as well. That didn't happen this time. I wasn't happy about it but I wasn't depressed. That's a huge difference.

Maybe some would call it a relapse but I believe it's just the rest of my life. Body memories may come and go and I may get an occasional new memory in the years ahead. Fortunately, I feel like I can handle whatever is left to process.

On another note, I have begun to review my book Paperclip Dolls which is no longer for sale. It followed my first year of healing. I've decided not to re-release it even in Kindle form. But I will share some of it in future posts where I think it may be helpful to other survivors.

Heart Journey

On July 15, 2012, I posted to my Art Journey blog a series of Polyvore sets created after the healing event described in my last post on this blog. Gracie, the one who originally identified with the teddy bear but emerged as the young woman, has provided me with answers about her connection to the hearts and love and pink stairs. As with any part of my healing, it’s a puzzle that comes together.

Somewhere early in this blog I speak of guided imagery CDs and downloads by Belleruth Naparstek. I own many but tend to favor a few. Before I knew of the alternative media, my therapist read the very powerful Healing Trauma imagery to me while I was comfortably lying on her sofa. The imagery has one imagine going into the heart. I was in tears the first time and felt strong emotion the first few times I listened to it myself. Slowly I seemed to have less emotional response and very few changes happened over the years I’ve listened to it. When entering the heart, we see our piles of blame and shame and shards and heaps of our shattered lives along with sudden geysers of terror. But it leads to a golden light which is the tunnel to center of the heart. The center of the heart is a beautiful room where our true self resides. The imagery then leads us out of the room and back up through the darker crumpled area. After staring at the Polyvore sets with the hearts, I felt I needed to listen to my Healing Trauma again since it had been awhile.

Yesterday afternoon, after a long tiring day, I layed down turning on my Healing Trauma imagery. Before I continue, a brief reminder that Gracie had moved from my eye to my ear and then suddenly integrated with me during which I had a wonderful feeling that has not left my being. In the beginning of the imagery, there is a “presence at my side” who is usually one of my male protectors. Yesterday it was my female protector. She took my hand and led me into the heart. Everything had changed. It was all beautiful and golden. What used to be the ugly part of my life now looked like an art museum. The various facets of my shattered past were commemorated in gold framed museum art work. Velvet ropes were in place to stand back from the art. A “geyser of terror” still existed but was far in the distance and surrounded by the ropes. The words of the imagery really no longer went with my internal landscape for the dark entry way toward the tunnel.

Walking through the gold lighted tunnel before getting to the center of the heart, Gracie was lying on the ground and seemed to be all dusty. My protector and I both helped her up and dusted her off. It’s that moment I realized she was literally thrown into my heart. Perhaps she had to join with me before she could leave the heart. She and I hugged, after which she stepped into me while we were facing each other. I felt her turn around to face the same direction as me and she fit into me perfectly. My protector continued to lead us into the core of my heart in the beautiful golden room. When we left to ascend the tunnel to the upper level, it was the beautiful pink stairs of my Polyvore sets.

Clues leading back to hand made collages have been popping into my head showing me that this part of me was going to heal but I wasn’t ready to know the full meaning until now. Gracie goes with dreams I’ve had. Years of clues about her and being hidden in my eye have been recorded in art. Had it not been for the cataracts, who knows if she ever would have moved out of her safe haven. Remarkable. Healing is remarkable.

Something In My Eye

May and June brought some scary moments as well as deep healing. Mostly it's been quiet inside throughout end of 2011 sinus surgery followed by six weeks of IV antibiotics. Unfortunately the antibiotics which included sulfa drugs may have caused the rapid onset of cataracts. I'd had great vision with my glasses for years with only minor correction except for astigmatism. I was scheduled for cataract surgery for right eye in May and left eye in June. The first surgery went so smoothly. Easiest surgery ever in case anyone is wondering.

Between the surgeries I began to have anxiety and some dangerous things almost happen with my left eye blocking my sight for cars. I realized someone was causing that to happen. My last car accident a couple years ago I only remember being at the stop sign. Next memory is my face in an air bag. Someone had hit me mid-intersection flying from the left. Always wondered if that hadn't been a part of me. I began processing on Polyvore. Over and over I was being shown me at age 3 and images of a teddybear. It took many sets before I realized the teddybear was how the 3-year-old saw herself. Trapped, unable to move. She was being held by an adult male part of me who I initially knew as an internal perp.

Without going through a lot of "clue talk", the story that emerged was the broken 3-year-old had been cared for by the now safe adult male and was keeping her hidden in the corner of my left eye. I know it sounds weird. Obviously something was creating danger but may have been a cry for help I hadn't heard in the last accident. The upcoming cataract surgery on my left eye was causing "fear of destruction". With internal work I was able to safely have her moved from my eye and felt the movement into my ear and then a beautiful healing moment.

The adult male was part of Spencer, my inner wisdom, and the 3-year-old was released to be with my female protector, "Emmie". It felt like freedom...free spirit. Wonderful feeling.

When I first began processing with images, I feared feeling all the hurt and pain the 3-year-old had borne. When I felt nothing but genuine happiness, I knew the adult with her had been helping her heal and preparing her for that moment. The feeling of happiness and even joy has remained with me. It feels like a permanent change in emotional strength. Several times I've received bad news and other things have happened that, in the past, would have knocked down into the depression pit. I have sufficient emotional strength to feel sad about those things but move on in spite of it.

Recently, I joined several girlfriends for a girl's night out...my first truly social event with my friends since 2007. Everyone commented on how happy I seemed and I genuinely felt joy the entire evening. This is not to say I am completely healed, although I wish I were. Yesterday I hit a curb while driving causing my tire to explode and stranding me in a not so safe area. I was able to call AAA and my fiance who, bless his heart, jumped in his car to come to my aid. I was terrified being alone waiting for anyone to arrive. Coping skills, coping skills.

Still have some work to do but am very pleased to be at a new positive emotional place in my life. I do hope it lasts. Being or having this level of happiness feels like what all the pain of healing was meant to do.

P.S. The 3-year-old seems to have transformed into a young adult since my healing sets of late seem to show this part of me feeling the freedom.

Another One Bites the Dust

Jose Manuel Rodriguez Delgado died on September 15, 2011. I randomly searched for his obituary, as I do for those abusers who were part of the government mind control programs who were last known to be alive. Troubling is the nondefinitive date of his death. Closest approximation was one term used. He had been in California for several years working with the government on some unknown project after having left the U.S. in 1974 to return to Spain. He was one of my very early childhood perps with memories of some contact as late as the mid-80s. His claim to fame as neurosurgeon was research on stimulating the brain with electricity to control it. He was an expert in mind control.

His book, Physical Control of the Mind: Toward a Psychocivilized Society, was a creepy look into his view of society. This quote is often cited in researching him:


"The individual may think that the most important reality is his own existence, but this is only his personal point of view. This lacks historical perspective. Man does not have the right to develop his own mind. This kind of liberal orientation has great appeal. We must electronically control the brain. Someday armies and generals will be controlled by electric stimulation of the brain." Dr José Delgado, Director of Neuropsychiatry, Yale University Medical School Congressional Record, No. 26, Vol. 118 February 24, 1974

I am extremely relieved at the news of his death. Am hoping other survivors who recall this heinous man may now have some peace. Unfortunately, his legacy of implants (under the guise of helping to identify soldiers, children, and pets) is now an accepted practice. Somewhere is a new generation of this evil still working on controlling segments of society.

Lack of Posting...Apologies

Last year I had so many health issues that I thought would be resolved going into 2012. But some followed me and there are new ones. I haven't had much going on with my own healing since my mind seems to be letting me focus on healing the body. I suspect my blogging has slowed down as a matter of course but hope what I have written remains a resource for new and healing victims of DID. Thank you to those who continue to visit the blog.

Last Trauma Alter?

Kate's Realization by grace2244 on polyvore.com

I wrote recently about alters Kate and Cassie who merged as Casey. They healed after the knowledge of my beginnings surfaced. Healing happens after trauma is released. So I either began as a genetically engineered egg and sperm (which is all over my earliest birth collages) or it was something brainwashed into the mind of this alter and was split, each holding the same message. Regardless, the two are now one.

I had also stated their healing felt like a kind of ending. Next to surface was a young girl with an odd name, AMABOU, which is the ornithological code for a Mangrove Hummingbird. The girl seemed very healed and settled. In researching the type of bird, it is an endangered species living in the area of Costa Rica. Mangrove trees are fascinating. They live simultaneously on land and sea.

 

These trees live in two worlds and survive the harshest of environments where most other trees would not survive. It's a great metaphor for having DID...surviving in a dual world of consciousness under extreme circumstances. The hummingbird is lovely with teal and purple markings. Perhaps this symbol of survival is another sign that my trauma has been processed.

Hopefully it will mean I can now focus on resolving PTSD symptoms and extinguishing triggers that are an aftermath of a life of trauma. I love the image of a beautiful hummingbird as a symbol of survival.

Am feeling more hopeful about less down time due to depression from unknown trauma, although I know I don't know everything that happened. Some will always stay tucked away. Why would I want to know every bit of yuck that happened to me. I trust my inner wisdom to show me what I must know as needed from the storage container of "need to know only" trauma.

I don't know if I've integrated or maybe I am mostly but still feel a few parts lingering about. Either way, if this is the final horror or unfathomable truth I had to face, I'm okay with how I am. If this is the case, I'll be able to dictate what I want to work on in therapy to continue the next phase of making my life better instead of being led by the trauma at the time of my therapy session.

Am wanting to release a huge whoosh of air at this achievement. I wish I could say it was an end, but it is more a beginning of increased clarity and hope.

Internal Understanding vs. External Belief

I am the first to admit the answers uncovered from my decades of amnesia have been unbelievable from the very beginning. It is most difficult to explain how answers come together from a massive cloud of amnesia that was a person's life and it is individual for each survivor. We don't make this stuff up. I believe I'm certainly not the first looking to prove what I'm remembering can't possibly be true. However, there comes a time when the level of unbelievability has a rhyme and reason to it. No one ever wanted anyone to believe what happened to us.

My most recent post still has me whirling and riddled with enormous emotions. I'm sure explaining this process of healing sounds possibly lacking in emotion to make sense of it as a cohesive narrative, but it is definitely not the case.

I know not all who read my blog believe my truth. Since much can't be validated in a court of law, it is my truth alone. However the enormity of survivors around the world with similar memories leads us to believe the same traumas seem to occur, just in different locations and by different people. Most of us do believe there is a manual, for lack of a better term, because what they do to create a dissociative child to become a skilled multitasked "slave" well into adulthood has been proven to work.

I don't ask for belief of my story per se to those who are not survivors. I know other survivors of this nightmare find solace and possibly some validation from the similar types of things they see in my history. But for those seeing this blog and writing it off as absurd, you are the people who allow such horrors to continue so widely and in plain sight. My purpose for this blog has always been to ask for an open mind so the next time you see or hear of something similar, your awareness grows.

It has taken me since 1997 to recover what I have and still there are tons of gaps in my life. I think only certain memories surface to give us some kind of timeline and meaning. Some memories have come up and processed on their own or in a single therapy session while others, like that in the last post, have been trying to come up for 15 years now. I'm sure it's not the last but possibly I'm getting close. The last post was not about memory as much as my history which can only come from an internal source of knowing. I suggest a resource in the post. None of it is easy to comprehend.

I thank my followers and especially those who support me. I'd like to share the huge anger that came from me as an aftermath to knowing of my possible origins. The Polyvore art was done after the writing.

*******

I hate that I had this life

I hate that what was done to me interferes with having a good present day life

I hate that amnesia affects me nearly every day in some regard

I hate the struggle of being me

I hate the strain that being me places on every other relationship in my life

I hate wrestling everyday between dreams for the future or dying so I can just stop this constant battle

I hate that I am back at square one with who I am

I am wrought with grief that I was likely a hidden child made through an agreement with the government and the man who called himself my father

I hate that I live every day in fear of my life 

I belong to no one. I relate to no one as family. I am alone. Aside from my current loving relationship, I feel I have no worth except to those I help online.

I hate this strong anger I am feeling while releasing these thoughts.

I hate that I hate my life and more than anything wish for a glimmer of who I truly am

When The Unbelievable Becomes True

I've been researching mind control for over a decade to include the programs and information released under the Freedom of Information Act. I've been able to sort out what is true and not true for me and my memories or personal history. One part of the information that floods mind control sites has to do with Illuminati bloodlines and how children of royal bloodlines are hidden with other families. I always discounted such information as intentionally misleading to make all mind control information unbelievable.

Genetics and DNA are a huge part of the message of my collages and art over the years but never had an explanation for what was done or how. I thought perhaps my DNA had been tampered with for certain diseases...to make me immune. For example, I've never had the flu or strep throat when everyone around me did.

One consistent message was I was swapped at birth. In the 1950s, whether or not the mother was knocked out on drugs, the baby was whisked away to be cleaned off and then presented with a clean baby upon waking. And it's a no brainer when one is born in a hospital on a military facility known for engaging in the government's covert programs, as I was.

The objective was for me to have as traumatic an experience as possible in the womb to precondition me to dissociating if not in the womb, then easily once I as born. They needed controlled settings. While the public believes cloning and other genetic feats are fairly recent, it has been proven repeatedly that the government is 20-40 years ahead in science and technology before the public ever knows. This is one of those areas where I encourage readers to do their own research rather than take my word for it.

Recently, an online survivor friend was working on a memory that led to her Illuminati connection. I listened and watched her processing and she came up with an answer that certainly seemed plausible. I realized since I had never believed "the hidden Illuminati child" theory that I had never asked inside about whether that was true for me. So I asked the question.

Typically, questions directed inside come up slowly and in puzzle pieces that eventually make sense. This time, the answer came over me immediately as a complete explanation. It wasn't a memory. It was an explanation of my beginnings which goes with inner wisdom. I have spoken much of inner wisdom according to Carl Jung's definition because that is exactly as I have experienced it over the years. That part of me is tapped into universal consciousness and truly knows everything. I strongly suggest the book Jung's Map of the Soul for those interested in an easy-to-understand intro to Jung because his work is so complicated to read and digest.

This is my belief without a doubt regardless of another's belief in it's plausibility. It makes sense from every possible aspect for me. I've been getting some information since 11 years before my memories began. All had been processed inside and I guess the time was right for me to ask that I got a complete answer.

Part of my answer is the assumption of a royalty sperm bank. I don't know if selection is random or intentional. But my mother's egg was fertilized with sperm from a royal donor and a fertilized egg was implanted in a surrogate who was part of the mind control world. I believe my mother was highly dissociative or very easy to  hypnotize to engage in some events in my life for which she has no memory. Likely the egg implantation occurred after my mother became pregnant by her husband.

My birth would have been traumatic...C-section according to my internal messages and collages. The surrogate mother may have had multiple births which would also explain feeling an emptiness or loss throughout my life. My father had agreed to this program before impregnating my mother so he knew his own child was turned over to the MC world and his job was to be my terrifying handler. If my mother had given birth to a boy, he lost his only son because his other children were girls. Another reason for him to hate my existence.

My previous blog entry speaks of a program to establish a colony on the moon in the event of a cataclysmic event on Earth. I wondered how I was chosen for THAT program. Now I understand that only those with a royal bloodline would have been trained to complete such a mission. Not only would it be a utopian New World Order society, it would be from all royal bloodlines.

My collages not long ago revealed a program going with my mother that I now understand was showing me I was part of her. It angers me even more that the man who tormented and tortured me for years was not even a relative. I was a hidden child.

I question whether the royals who made donations to the sperm bank even knew about it. We know now that a teenager just had to be highly suggestive to hypnosis to do anything asked, even if against their will. It doesn't mean all royalty is part of some master plan; but whatever group is behind this world plan does know the big picture of the universe they strive to turn into their utopian society.

Having gone through an identity meltdown when I learned I had DID and again when I learned I was intentionally made DID, I now must process this new information. What does this mean to me. I know who I look like now. I never thought I looked like my father when people said I did. I saw the resemblance to my mother only as an adult during one of our last "family" gatherings.

I will never have DNA validation but my internal message is so strong there is no denying my genetic beginnings. I still don't believe all that is said about Illuminati bloodlines and prefer to call it royalty. I'm sure much misinformation is "out there" to make my memories seem entirely implausible. But my purpose in having this blog is to tell my truth.

Father of the Bride by grace2244 featuring TIARA

Destination Moon

I've agonized about writing this post but decided enough validation was available now to support what was going on with regard to my government/military purpose(s). The majority of my memories from my first few years of healing related to both NASA and Russian space and survival training. So many memories of learning how to survive every possible scenario. I probably have written in earlier posts that I was trained to be a cockroach because they can survive anything.

I never did connect the dots to the astronaut type training. Certainly I wasn't meant to be a mind controlled astronaut. I've also written how I have both U.S. memories as well as being in Russian for "space camp" when I was 12 and lived next door in Iran. My military father was stationed there. I have my report card showing three of four semesters being absent 0 or 1 days. However, the semester that went through Halloween and my birthday and possibly into Christmas because of Thanksgiving and Christmas vacations, I was there less than half the semester but still managed to get As and Bs. I have confirmation I was not sick. I have much conscious memory of my home and school life for that time. However, I was shocked when I found my report card and it validated the memory. I had wondered how I could possibly have been gone that long with no one noticing. Wouldn't people at school have questioned it? My family didn't notice I was gone...but that was part of the dissociative dysfunction of the entire family. Possibly all questions at school were filtered by another part of me.

The memory is being at the astronaut training center, then called Star City. It's now named after Yuri Gagarin who is also in my memories. Recently NASA's space mission came to a halt and we are relying on the Russians for our space transport. In several of my memories, the Russians and US government were working together during the Cold War at a covert level.

A memory began to surface in my Polyvore sets which led to this one:

From Russia with.... by grace2244 on polyvore.com

Based on internal messages that came with the set, I googled colonization of the moon. I learned that Russia's space program began in 1959 and Kennedy gave his "to the moon" speech in 1961. In the 1960s the Army had two projects and Russia also had plans to have a colony on the moon in the event of a cataclysmic event. Back then it was nuclear holocaust. Apparently some of us government programmed children had an alter who would be called out to be transported as part of saving humanity. It would make sense that an experienced astronaut would need to be part of the project. And all participants would need to go through rigorous survival training.

My age made me obsolete for such a plan probably at least 20 years ago. The alter shown in the box is Luna. She was programmed in Russia...meant only to surface if the project were to become necessary. They needed young teens into young adulthood to breed for a new population. Yes, it sounds like science fiction but you can google for your own edification.

I am realizing my multiplicity made it possible for me (any mind control/dissociative being) to be available for any number of covert missions which might be necessary at any time. I also believe that as technology advanced and Mars became a target of interest for colonization, that also became part of the programming. Writing this makes me wonder if Luna's programming and training were extended to include Mars or if there is another or other alters still hiding. Mars came up often in collages and internal messages with no understanding by me.

Am sure these were top secret in 1960 but 40 years has passed so documents have been declassified. That doesn't mean our new generation of government victims aren't still being programmed for colonization. Obviously the ones to be saved have been prechosen and our capabilities to survive in outer space in space stations have been proven even if we aren't ready with technology to actually camp out on the moon.

I first connected to what is known as Monarch Programming but then was led to Dragonfly which I believe was the space part of my purpose.  Who knows what else was inside me. I mean I know what skills and training I had and what languages I was taught, but have few areas where I can truly connect the dots. The "earth to the moon" story is now fully understood.

I guess it might sound noble (?) to some that governments had a back up plan to save humanity but nothing justifies the horrific trauma of creating dissociative children from birth and placing them in untold survival scenarios where the memory is constantly believing we were going to die. In addition, that plan meant the new "society" would be entirely of mind controlled beings who would do whatever they were told. "Their" utopia.

This is Luna beginning to remember her fate:

Luna 100911 by grace2244 on polyvore.com

9/11 On My Mind...In 1998

The morning of 9/11/2001, I was in bed when my husband called to tell me to turn on the television. The first tower had been hit and I was watching live when the second tower was hit. I couldn't leave the television. When the Pentagon was hit though, one of my art collages flashed in my head and I ran to get it. It's a two-sided, large-format collage. That day I nearly passed out as I looked at the tv and down at my collage. It had even more meaning as days went by and more became known about the events. For a long time I thought it was future telling because some of my collages seem not to have meaning until something at a future date happens. Many survivors have extrasensory abilities even if we don't have control over them. They just happen.

It wasn't 2001 but one of the few times I went back to my collages looking for something specific that I found another collage very much connected to 9/11. It was this collage that haunts me that so many details were in my subconscious. I do know I was a courier of information from one handler to another. Only a few things have surfaced from those "mind files". I do know, for instance, that I held something related to Nelson Mandella's imprisonment and possibly negotiations to set him free. But if I had details of a plan for 9/11 in my head since 1997 or before when I stopped being accessible, it means there was a plan...possibly a cooperation since the one collage shows the training of pilots.

Yesterday I watched many of the 9/11 television shows including the hearings of the 9/11 Commission and Rachel Maddow's revealing backdrop of a coverup. Much of what I feared about sharing these collages has been made public, which I why I am sharing them now.  My mind control memories began in December 1997 and I stopped being accessible to handlers in September 1997. Either during the 9/11 hearings show or the Rachel Maddow special, a plot as early as 1995 was found by our intelligence agencies citing several targets to be hit by jet planes including The White House, The World Trade Center, and the Pentagon. So I could have had such information in my mind as a courier, which I know was one of my jobs.

I want to share these collages so they are no longer my secret. Even if just a few see who understand the concept of us mind control survivors, I think it's important. The fact this stuff was in my head is horrifying. I do remember feeling like I was somehow at fault as I watched the live coverage. I know that, in itself, is not uncommon for survivors of our kind of abuse and "built" for specific agendas, but I see now there was more to it.

This is the first collage which had no meaning until after the Pentagon was hit.



The lower left looks like two towers of eyes...and zeros. 00 goes with "license to kill". The gray/green item at an angle above the women next to the 00 on black says "ground zero" in gray. Difficult to see. The site was not dubbed "ground zero" for a few days after the tragedy. I wonder who began to use that term. We do know much of the media ties into the MC world in some way. The lower center has an image of women with butterfly nets but just above that are images of towers/smokestacks with faces. In fact there are two blue towers and a CD (the pentagon?) with one more smokestack in yellow. Four planes but only three targets hit. In my metaphorical image language, the blobs of black with colored circles represent biochemical warfare. I wonder if the large cuckoo bird is a crazy plane. Absolut War was correct.



This is the other side of the first collage. The words under the Pentagon say "After all, this was one of our test sites." The image to the right is packaging for the product Urban Decay. Other images go with hydraulics, electrodynamics. The name of the creature on the right was DOE (written in capital letters) which meant nothing at the time but goes with Department of Energy. This two-sided collage is dated 2/21/98.

I have memories of virtual reality and the words under the Pentagon makes me wonder if this wasn't played out in virtual reality scenarios that perhaps I witnessed.



This is the one connected to 9/11 much later primarily because of the very detailed image lower right with the words "Trade Secrets"  placed beneath it. The single image shows a tower/building reading instructions. There is a plane flying around it's head. Classes on the ground. The one instructor lower left is pointing to Plan A, B, C, D. Four planes, four plans. Totally dissociated Alice surrounds the image. The top left first shows a typewriter with the words New York Public Library on it. The image immediately below is a destroyed typewriter. Lower left and the "checkpoint charlie" image go with a meeting place to exchange information. I had the collages out because I wanted to see if any of the 9/11 anniversary specials might bring more meaning to some of them. After watching Dateline's two hour tribute on 9/9/11, I screamed when, for the first time, I saw TRADE SECRETS as going with the Trade Centers.

I honestly don't know why this was in my head but it brings up so many questions. I know it will have no bearing on anything or anyone important. All the conspiracy theories have been debunked although some still question. I will never believe that there wasn't cooperation with Bin Laden to put this plan in place. His people are brainwashed and those pilots were trained in America.


If it was foretelling the future, it wouldn't be so shrouded in images of dissociation and the word secret which appears several times on this collage. In fact looking from right to left, it shows Alice with a key in her back headed toward "checkpoint charlie", a meeting place. The image at lower left also indicates two people meeting up. This collage was dated 1/30/98. (My collages were done randomly and without any meaning attached to most of them until months or even years later.)

Rachel Maddow's special had clear evidence of a war machine where several large corporations, including Halliburton, gained millions of dollars in government contracts by our going to war. Dick Cheney was involved with the Pentagon awarding the contracts while connected to Halliburton and also reaped benefits from the company while he was the country's Vice President. While not connected to the 9/11 event per se, our CIA demonstrably disagreed with the connection of Iraq to 9/11 retaliation. Bush ignored the feedback of the CIA and we lost so many soldiers. Obama used CIA intelligence and sent in Seal Team 6 to capture Bin Laden who had been cited as being behind the 9/11 attacks swiftly and decisively. Had Bush chosen to listen to the CIA, all those war contracts would not have been awarded and those companies would not have gained from our being at war. A tragedy to our country on so many levels.

What Appears As One Trigger May Be Several

My inner world has been quiet lately giving me time to work in therapy on a list of remaining PTSD triggers. A big one for me is eating noises. It had often caused me to leave restaurants before the days of ipods and iphones. Actually I had started to use ear plugs before I had an ipod. Eating with others around was such an anxiety ridden experience.

As a child...even an adult child...eating with my family was a horror of father-made noises, especially slurping. We had dinner manners pounded into us but none applied to him. I recall my younger sister and I at high school age approaching my mother. It stopped for awhile amidst his evil looks at us but then returned.

Several times I had worked with EMDR in therapy to try to resolve this trigger. I was always led back to the horror of the initial trigger. Memories no one ever wants to discover but, to heal from it, they have to be visited, even if only briefly.

Not too long ago, a yogurt commercial on television had me screaming when someone sucked in entire container of yogurt at once. I learned to quickly mute it but also told my therapist how awful it was for me. That was the first time she used the technique of brain spotting with me. She was newly trained. It is simply my eyes following a moving pointer she held vertically in her hands and following her directions for focusing on certain feelings and eye movements. After that one session, I was able to completely tolerate the commercial and it translated to real people and their natural noises of eating with regard to slurping.

More recently, a Kit Kat commercial included a series of people biting into the crunchy bars with close ups of their mouths. Even looking away, it made my anxiety soar and my partner quickly learned to mute it. It came on several times every night about the same time. Because of my current internal quiet time, I was able to work on the crunching noise, again with brain spotting. My therapist expanded the healing to include watching people eat with the message that food was nourishing and enjoyable and I was hearing people enjoy their food. I returned home from the session telling Brian not to mute the commercial that night so we could see what happened. When it aired, we both stared at each other. I was okay. I was really fine. The next night I purposely looked up at the tv to see the people biting into the bar and that was okay too. I also noticed on a tv show that included a family dinner that I wasn't turning away. I was able to hear the conversation instead of fighting with the anxiety of the trigger.

Poor Brian has been eating as quietly as possible for a number of years and now I rarely notice when he has food. We are an informal, eat-in-the-living room couple. However, since resolving the slurping and the crunching, I still jump when his lips smack. This probably sounds bizarre but everything about eating apparently is a trigger. No wonder just working on "eating noises" didn't work.

I already asked my therapist if we could do smacking next while she sucks on a cough drop. lol. It will do the trick. I am/was also triggered by the clinking of silverware against dishes...as in stirring a drink or simply someone's fork hitting the dish while grabbing food. I haven't noticed that in awhile so perhaps it has resolved itself.

I thought it worthwhile to share this discovery since, if work on a generalized trigger is not working, perhaps breaking it down into smaller components will work.

Note: The link provided for brain spotting is a good overview that is not too technical. You can google it to find other references. The most important aspect is that your therapist is properly trained in the technique.

Phones & Tones & Bellish Things

I've known since my first year of memories that alters were called out by sounds and/or words. As an adult, am fairly certain I was cued by a phone call that had only a tone when I answered. Depending on the frequency of the tone, an assigned alter would then do as trained: call a handler, drive to a designated location, perform a specific task. Of course all this was done without conscious memory. When I would return home, all I would do is either still be asleep or be standing somewhere at home in a stupor.

I do recall often hearing the phone ring (before knowing I had DID) when it wasn't really ringing. It was a joke that I'd answer the phone only to hear a dial tone.

Last week a new television series called Alpha began on the Sci Fi channel. I was triggered and intrigued. Someone did their homework. The concept is people with heightened sensory abilities are brought into a group by a "good guy" who is helping the previously brainwashed people to do good by stopping the people who are doing the brainwashing. In one scene in the season premiere, a young man answers a phone, hears a tone, and proceeds to assassinate someone in a state of amnesia. Once he is in the care of the good guys, he must answer the phone so the tone can be traced. Of course the tone triggers the man into action. Another person quickly injects something into the man's neck (also triggering) but stops the programming and brings him back to awareness.

All this to share why I'm writing this post. During a therapy session yesterday,  I did work on my trigger to financial information (stocks, bonds, foreign exchange, offshore accounts). I can hear only so much in conversation or in movies or television before I go into overload and have to leave or turn it off. I knew my last active alter had been cued out at my work place by a specific phrase by a specific person. I learned this through a collage and was able to stop myself from responding.

Using EMDR in therapy, I was led back to the alter. She had never healed. She had been blocked from hearing any more signals but was still hiding in the shadows in fear of being accessed at any moment. She was unaware of present time. While relieved she had not been called on to do anything "bad" with money, she also had never moved into a place of healing. We were able to accomplish that in the session. The issue of tones had not come up because the last handler used a cue phrase.

This morning my iPhone alarm for my 7 a.m. pill went off...the bell tower. I sleep with the phone on my bed because of the morning alarms I need and it's so much easier to turn off. Also, I don't have to worry about power outages at night that affect the alarm clock;  and the bell tower is so much less startling than the clock buzzer or other sounds. Back to the bell tower alarm at 7 a.m. this morning...for the first time ever my hand accidentally knocked the phone back against the headboard where it then fell down behind the bed in the crack between the mattress and headboard.

The sound was turned up and the bell tower just played over and over. I ran for the long handled grabber tool. I was unable to reach the phone from the left side of the bed. Bell tower, bell tower, bell tower. Am on sound overload unable to shutdown or turn it off. From the right side of the bed I had trouble seeing the phone but found it after moving some tissues that had also disappeared into the space by the headboard. Finally the phone was within reach and I turned it off.

Three times in the next five minutes I checked to make sure I had turned the alarm off or it hadn't gone off again because I kept hearing it. Then I realized it was playing over and over in my head. Non-stop bell tower. I turned on some favorite music but only heard the bell tower in the background. I grabbed my grounding beads but they didn't help. BB sleeps in the other room due to snoring issues. He hadn't heard any of my trauma. I woke him up and asked him to talk to me hoping a human voice might quell the bells. He couldn't stay awake so I returned to bed grabbing the beads again. This time I turned on Belleruth Naperstek's guided imagery for relaxation. Listening to her voice helped quiet the bells and I fell back asleep.

Stop the Bells! by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

At one point I asked inside if the one playing the bells over and over again could please stop. But I also wondered if the alter who had moved into the healing place yesterday had been triggered by the overwhelming non-stop bells and was stuck in a flashback.

Part of my EMDR session yesterday led me to flashbacks of being programmed for certain alters to respond to certain frequencies followed by ECT (electro-convulsive therapy). Although ECT is said to supposedly erase memory, I wonder if it didn't also serve to reinforce recently-installed programming.

Logic tells me bells were used for very early programming, much like Pavlov's dog. My earliest programming memories though lead to piano tunes of children's songs like Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. But because the alter rescued yesterday seems to feel traumatized by the bells and she had been the last alter to be active in my DID life, bells were likely also used later in life.

My hope in sharing this experience is that it finally processes in me and maybe will help someone else who experienced similar programming.