For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Dec 5, 2011

Last Trauma Alter?

Kate's Realization

I wrote recently about alters Kate and Cassie who merged as Casey. They healed after the knowledge of my beginnings surfaced. Healing happens after trauma is released. So I either began as a genetically engineered egg and sperm (which is all over my earliest birth collages) or it was something brainwashed into the mind of this alter and was split, each holding the same message. Regardless, the two are now one.

I had also stated their healing felt like a kind of ending. Next to surface was a young girl with an odd name, AMABOU, which is the ornithological code for a Mangrove Hummingbird. The girl seemed very healed and settled. In researching the type of bird, it is an endangered species living in the area of Costa Rica. Mangrove trees are fascinating. They live simultaneously on land and sea.

These trees live in two worlds and survive the harshest of environments where most other trees would not survive. It's a great metaphor for having DID...surviving in a dual world of consciousness under extreme circumstances. The hummingbird is lovely with teal and purple markings. Perhaps this symbol of survival is another sign that my trauma has been processed.

Hopefully it will mean I can now focus on resolving PTSD symptoms and extinguishing triggers that are an aftermath of a life of trauma. I love the image of a beautiful hummingbird as a symbol of survival.

Am feeling more hopeful about less down time due to depression from unknown trauma, although I know I don't know everything that happened. Some will always stay tucked away. Why would I want to know every bit of yuck that happened to me. I trust my inner wisdom to show me what I must know as needed from the storage container of "need to know only" trauma.

I don't know if I've integrated or maybe I am mostly but still feel a few parts lingering about. Either way, if this is the final horror or unfathomable truth I had to face, I'm okay with how I am. If this is the case, I'll be able to dictate what I want to work on in therapy to continue the next phase of making my life better instead of being led by the trauma at the time of my therapy session.

Am wanting to release a huge whoosh of air at this achievement. I wish I could say it was an end, but it is more a beginning of increased clarity and hope.

Nov 16, 2011

Internal Understanding vs. External Belief

I am the first to admit the answers uncovered from my decades of amnesia have been unbelievable from the very beginning. It is most difficult to explain how answers come together from a massive cloud of amnesia that was a person's life and it is individual for each survivor. We don't make this stuff up. I believe I'm certainly not the first looking to prove what I'm remembering can't possibly be true. However, there comes a time when the level of unbelievability has a rhyme and reason to it. No one ever wanted anyone to believe what happened to us.

My most recent post still has me whirling and riddled with enormous emotions. I'm sure explaining this process of healing sounds possibly lacking in emotion to make sense of it as a cohesive narrative, but it is definitely not the case.

I know not all who read my blog believe my truth. Since much can't be validated in a court of law, it is my truth alone. However the enormity of survivors around the world with similar memories leads us to believe the same traumas seem to occur, just in different locations and by different people. Most of us do believe there is a manual, for lack of a better term, because what they do to create a dissociative child to become a skilled multitasked "slave" well into adulthood has been proven to work.

I don't ask for belief of my story per se to those who are not survivors. I know other survivors of this nightmare find solace and possibly some validation from the similar types of things they see in my history. But for those seeing this blog and writing it off as absurd, you are the people who allow such horrors to continue so widely and in plain sight. My purpose for this blog has always been to ask for an open mind so the next time you see or hear of something similar, your awareness grows.

It has taken me since 1997 to recover what I have and still there are tons of gaps in my life. I think only certain memories surface to give us some kind of timeline and meaning. Some memories have come up and processed on their own or in a single therapy session while others, like that in the last post, have been trying to come up for 15 years now. I'm sure it's not the last but possibly I'm getting close. The last post was not about memory as much as my history which can only come from an internal source of knowing. I suggest a resource in the post. None of it is easy to comprehend.

I thank my followers and especially those who support me. I'd like to share the huge anger that came from me as an aftermath to knowing of my possible origins. The Polyvore art was done after the writing.


I hate that I had this life
I hate that what was done to me interferes with having a good present day life
I hate that amnesia affects me nearly every day in some regard
I hate the struggle of being me
I hate the strain that being me places on every other relationship in my life
I hate wrestling everyday between dreams for the future or dying so I can just stop this constant battle
I hate that I am back at square one with who I am

I am wrought with grief that I was likely a hidden child made through an agreement with the government and the man who called himself my father
I hate that I live every day in fear of my life 
I belong to no one. I relate to no one as family. I am alone. Aside from my current loving relationship, I feel I have no worth except to those I help online.
I hate this strong anger I am feeling while releasing these thoughts.

I hate that I hate my life and more than anything wish for a glimmer of who I truly am

Nov 12, 2011

When The Unbelievable Becomes True

I've been researching mind control for over a decade to include the programs and information released under the Freedom of Information Act. I've been able to sort out what is true and not true for me and my memories or personal history. One part of the information that floods mind control sites has to do with Illuminati bloodlines and how children of royal bloodlines are hidden with other families. I always discounted such information as intentionally misleading to make all mind control information unbelievable.

Genetics and DNA are a huge part of the message of my collages and art over the years but never had an explanation for what was done or how. I thought perhaps my DNA had been tampered with for certain make me immune. For example, I've never had the flu or strep throat when everyone around me did.

One consistent message was I was swapped at birth. In the 1950s, whether or not the mother was knocked out on drugs, the baby was whisked away to be cleaned off and then presented with a clean baby upon waking. And it's a no brainer when one is born in a hospital on a military facility known for engaging in the government's covert programs, as I was.

The objective was for me to have as traumatic an experience as possible in the womb to precondition me to dissociating if not in the womb, then easily once I as born. They needed controlled settings. While the public believes cloning and other genetic feats are fairly recent, it has been proven repeatedly that the government is 20-40 years ahead in science and technology before the public ever knows. This is one of those areas where I encourage readers to do their own research rather than take my word for it.

Recently, an online survivor friend was working on a memory that led to her Illuminati connection. I listened and watched her processing and she came up with an answer that certainly seemed plausible. I realized since I had never believed "the hidden Illuminati child" theory that I had never asked inside about whether that was true for me. So I asked the question.

Typically, questions directed inside come up slowly and in puzzle pieces that eventually make sense. This time, the answer came over me immediately as a complete explanation. It wasn't a memory. It was an explanation of my beginnings which goes with inner wisdom. I have spoken much of inner wisdom according to Carl Jung's definition because that is exactly as I have experienced it over the years. That part of me is tapped into universal consciousness and truly knows everything. I strongly suggest the book Jung's Map of the Soul for those interested in an easy-to-understand intro to Jung because his work is so complicated to read and digest.

This is my belief without a doubt regardless of another's belief in it's plausibility. It makes sense from every possible aspect for me. I've been getting some information since 11 years before my memories began. All had been processed inside and I guess the time was right for me to ask that I got a complete answer.

Part of my answer is the assumption of a royalty sperm bank. I don't know if selection is random or intentional. But my mother's egg was fertilized with sperm from a royal donor and a fertilized egg was implanted in a surrogate who was part of the mind control world. I believe my mother was highly dissociative or very easy to  hypnotize to engage in some events in my life for which she has no memory. Likely the egg implantation occurred after my mother became pregnant by her husband.

My birth would have been traumatic...C-section according to my internal messages and collages. The surrogate mother may have had multiple births which would also explain feeling an emptiness or loss throughout my life. My father had agreed to this program before impregnating my mother so he knew his own child was turned over to the MC world and his job was to be my terrifying handler. If my mother had given birth to a boy, he lost his only son because his other children were girls. Another reason for him to hate my existence.

My previous blog entry speaks of a program to establish a colony on the moon in the event of a cataclysmic event on Earth. I wondered how I was chosen for THAT program. Now I understand that only those with a royal bloodline would have been trained to complete such a mission. Not only would it be a utopian New World Order society, it would be from all royal bloodlines.

My collages not long ago revealed a program going with my mother that I now understand was showing me I was part of her. It angers me even more that the man who tormented and tortured me for years was not even a relative. I was a hidden child.

I question whether the royals who made donations to the sperm bank even knew about it. We know now that a teenager just had to be highly suggestive to hypnosis to do anything asked, even if against their will. It doesn't mean all royalty is part of some master plan; but whatever group is behind this world plan does know the big picture of the universe they strive to turn into their utopian society.

Having gone through an identity meltdown when I learned I had DID and again when I learned I was intentionally made DID, I now must process this new information. What does this mean to me. I know who I look like now. I never thought I looked like my father when people said I did. I saw the resemblance to my mother only as an adult during one of our last "family" gatherings.

I will never have DNA validation but my internal message is so strong there is no denying my genetic beginnings. I still don't believe all that is said about Illuminati bloodlines and prefer to call it royalty. I'm sure much misinformation is "out there" to make my memories seem entirely implausible. But my purpose in having this blog is to tell my truth.

Father of the Bride

Oct 9, 2011

Destination Moon

I've agonized about writing this post but decided enough validation was available now to support what was going on with regard to my government/military purpose(s). The majority of my memories from my first few years of healing related to both NASA and Russian space and survival training. So many memories of learning how to survive every possible scenario. I probably have written in earlier posts that I was trained to be a cockroach because they can survive anything.

I never did connect the dots to the astronaut type training. Certainly I wasn't meant to be a mind controlled astronaut. I've also written how I have both U.S. memories as well as being in Russian for "space camp" when I was 12 and lived next door in Iran. My military father was stationed there. I have my report card showing three of four semesters being absent 0 or 1 days. However, the semester that went through Halloween and my birthday and possibly into Christmas because of Thanksgiving and Christmas vacations, I was there less than half the semester but still managed to get As and Bs. I have confirmation I was not sick. I have much conscious memory of my home and school life for that time. However, I was shocked when I found my report card and it validated the memory. I had wondered how I could possibly have been gone that long with no one noticing. Wouldn't people at school have questioned it? My family didn't notice I was gone...but that was part of the dissociative dysfunction of the entire family. Possibly all questions at school were filtered by another part of me.

The memory is being at the astronaut training center, then called Star City. It's now named after Yuri Gagarin who is also in my memories. Recently NASA's space mission came to a halt and we are relying on the Russians for our space transport. In several of my memories, the Russians and US government were working together during the Cold War at a covert level.

A memory began to surface in my Polyvore sets which led to this one:

From Russia with....

Based on internal messages that came with the set, I googled colonization of the moon. I learned that Russia's space program began in 1959 and Kennedy gave his "to the moon" speech in 1961. In the 1960s the Army had two projects and Russia also had plans to have a colony on the moon in the event of a cataclysmic event. Back then it was nuclear holocaust. Apparently some of us government programmed children had an alter who would be called out to be transported as part of saving humanity. It would make sense that an experienced astronaut would need to be part of the project. And all participants would need to go through rigorous survival training.

My age made me obsolete for such a plan probably at least 20 years ago. The alter shown in the box is Luna. She was programmed in Russia...meant only to surface if the project were to become necessary. They needed young teens into young adulthood to breed for a new population. Yes, it sounds like science fiction but you can google for your own edification.

I am realizing my multiplicity made it possible for me (any mind control/dissociative being) to be available for any number of covert missions which might be necessary at any time. I also believe that as technology advanced and Mars became a target of interest for colonization, that also became part of the programming. Writing this makes me wonder if Luna's programming and training were extended to include Mars or if there is another or other alters still hiding. Mars came up often in collages and internal messages with no understanding by me.

Am sure these were top secret in 1960 but 40 years has passed so documents have been declassified. That doesn't mean our new generation of government victims aren't still being programmed for colonization. Obviously the ones to be saved have been prechosen and our capabilities to survive in outer space in space stations have been proven even if we aren't ready with technology to actually camp out on the moon.

I first connected to what is known as Monarch Programming but then was led to Dragonfly which I believe was the space part of my purpose.  Who knows what else was inside me. I mean I know what skills and training I had and what languages I was taught, but have few areas where I can truly connect the dots. The "earth to the moon" story is now fully understood.

I guess it might sound noble (?) to some that governments had a back up plan to save humanity but nothing justifies the horrific trauma of creating dissociative children from birth and placing them in untold survival scenarios where the memory is constantly believing we were going to die. In addition, that plan meant the new "society" would be entirely of mind controlled beings who would do whatever they were told. "Their" utopia.

This is Luna beginning to remember her fate:

Luna 100911

Sep 11, 2011

9/11 On My Mind...In 1998

The morning of 9/11/2001, I was in bed when my husband called to tell me to turn on the television. The first tower had been hit and I was watching live when the second tower was hit. I couldn't leave the television. When the Pentagon was hit though, one of my art collages flashed in my head and I ran to get it. It's a two-sided, large-format collage. That day I nearly passed out as I looked at the tv and down at my collage. It had even more meaning as days went by and more became known about the events. For a long time I thought it was future telling because some of my collages seem not to have meaning until something at a future date happens. Many survivors have extrasensory abilities even if we don't have control over them. They just happen.

It wasn't 2001 but one of the few times I went back to my collages looking for something specific that I found another collage very much connected to 9/11. It was this collage that haunts me that so many details were in my subconscious. I do know I was a courier of information from one handler to another. Only a few things have surfaced from those "mind files". I do know, for instance, that I held something related to Nelson Mandella's imprisonment and possibly negotiations to set him free. But if I had details of a plan for 9/11 in my head since 1997 or before when I stopped being accessible, it means there was a plan...possibly a cooperation since the one collage shows the training of pilots.

Yesterday I watched many of the 9/11 television shows including the hearings of the 9/11 Commission and Rachel Maddow's revealing backdrop of a coverup. Much of what I feared about sharing these collages has been made public, which I why I am sharing them now.  My mind control memories began in December 1997 and I stopped being accessible to handlers in September 1997. Either during the 9/11 hearings show or the Rachel Maddow special, a plot as early as 1995 was found by our intelligence agencies citing several targets to be hit by jet planes including The White House, The World Trade Center, and the Pentagon. So I could have had such information in my mind as a courier, which I know was one of my jobs.

I want to share these collages so they are no longer my secret. Even if just a few see who understand the concept of us mind control survivors, I think it's important. The fact this stuff was in my head is horrifying. I do remember feeling like I was somehow at fault as I watched the live coverage. I know that, in itself, is not uncommon for survivors of our kind of abuse and "built" for specific agendas, but I see now there was more to it.

This is the first collage which had no meaning until after the Pentagon was hit.

The lower left looks like two towers of eyes...and zeros. 00 goes with "license to kill". The gray/green item at an angle above the women next to the 00 on black says "ground zero" in gray. Difficult to see. The site was not dubbed "ground zero" for a few days after the tragedy. I wonder who began to use that term. We do know much of the media ties into the MC world in some way. The lower center has an image of women with butterfly nets but just above that are images of towers/smokestacks with faces. In fact there are two blue towers and a CD (the pentagon?) with one more smokestack in yellow. Four planes but only three targets hit. In my metaphorical image language, the blobs of black with colored circles represent biochemical warfare. I wonder if the large cuckoo bird is a crazy plane. Absolut War was correct.

This is the other side of the first collage. The words under the Pentagon say "After all, this was one of our test sites." The image to the right is packaging for the product Urban Decay. Other images go with hydraulics, electrodynamics. The name of the creature on the right was DOE (written in capital letters) which meant nothing at the time but goes with Department of Energy. This two-sided collage is dated 2/21/98.

 I have memories of virtual reality and the words under the Pentagon makes me wonder if this wasn't played out in virtual reality scenarios that perhaps I witnessed.

This is the one connected to 9/11 much later primarily because of the very detailed image lower right with the words "Trade Secrets"  placed beneath it. The single image shows a tower/building reading instructions. There is a plane flying around it's head. Classes on the ground. The one instructor lower left is pointing to Plan A, B, C, D. Four planes, four plans. Totally dissociated Alice surrounds the image. The top left first shows a typewriter with the words New York Public Library on it. The image immediately below is a destroyed typewriter. Lower left and the "checkpoint charlie" image go with a meeting place to exchange information. I had the collages out because I wanted to see if any of the 9/11 anniversary specials might bring more meaning to some of them. After watching Dateline's two hour tribute on 9/9/11, I screamed when, for the first time, I saw TRADE SECRETS as going with the Trade Centers.

I honestly don't know why this was in my head but it brings up so many questions. I know it will have no bearing on anything or anyone important. All the conspiracy theories have been debunked although some still question. I will never believe that there wasn't cooperation with Bin Laden to put this plan in place. His people are brainwashed and those pilots were trained in America.

If it was foretelling the future, it wouldn't be so shrouded in images of dissociation and the word secret which appears several times on this collage. In fact looking from right to left, it shows Alice with a key in her back headed toward "checkpoint charlie", a meeting place. The image at lower left also indicates two people meeting up. This collage was dated 1/30/98. (My collages were done randomly and without any meaning attached to most of them until months or even years later.)

Rachel Maddow's special had clear evidence of a war machine where several large corporations, including Halliburton, gained millions of dollars in government contracts by our going to war. Dick Cheney was involved with the Pentagon awarding the contracts while connected to Halliburton and also reaped benefits from the company while he was the country's Vice President. While not connected to the 9/11 event per se, our CIA demonstrably disagreed with the connection of Iraq to 9/11 retaliation. Bush ignored the feedback of the CIA and we lost so many soldiers. Obama used CIA intelligence and sent in Seal Team 6 to capture Bin Laden who had been cited as being behind the 9/11 attacks swiftly and decisively. Had Bush chosen to listen to the CIA, all those war contracts would not have been awarded and those companies would not have gained from our being at war. A tragedy to our country on so many levels.

Aug 21, 2011

What Appears As One Trigger May Be Several

My inner world has been quiet lately giving me time to work in therapy on a list of remaining PTSD triggers. A big one for me is eating noises. It had often caused me to leave restaurants before the days of ipods and iphones. Actually I had started to use ear plugs before I had an ipod. Eating with others around was such an anxiety ridden experience.

As a child...even an adult child...eating with my family was a horror of father-made noises, especially slurping. We had dinner manners pounded into us but none applied to him. I recall my younger sister and I at high school age approaching my mother. It stopped for awhile amidst his evil looks at us but then returned.

Several times I had worked with EMDR in therapy to try to resolve this trigger. I was always led back to the horror of the initial trigger. Memories no one ever wants to discover but, to heal from it, they have to be visited, even if only briefly.

Not too long ago, a yogurt commercial on television had me screaming when someone sucked in entire container of yogurt at once. I learned to quickly mute it but also told my therapist how awful it was for me. That was the first time she used the technique of brain spotting with me. She was newly trained. It is simply my eyes following a moving pointer she held vertically in her hands and following her directions for focusing on certain feelings and eye movements. After that one session, I was able to completely tolerate the commercial and it translated to real people and their natural noises of eating with regard to slurping.

More recently, a Kit Kat commercial included a series of people biting into the crunchy bars with close ups of their mouths. Even looking away, it made my anxiety soar and my partner quickly learned to mute it. It came on several times every night about the same time. Because of my current internal quiet time, I was able to work on the crunching noise, again with brain spotting. My therapist expanded the healing to include watching people eat with the message that food was nourishing and enjoyable and I was hearing people enjoy their food. I returned home from the session telling Brian not to mute the commercial that night so we could see what happened. When it aired, we both stared at each other. I was okay. I was really fine. The next night I purposely looked up at the tv to see the people biting into the bar and that was okay too. I also noticed on a tv show that included a family dinner that I wasn't turning away. I was able to hear the conversation instead of fighting with the anxiety of the trigger.

Poor Brian has been eating as quietly as possible for a number of years and now I rarely notice when he has food. We are an informal, eat-in-the-living room couple. However, since resolving the slurping and the crunching, I still jump when his lips smack. This probably sounds bizarre but everything about eating apparently is a trigger. No wonder just working on "eating noises" didn't work.

I already asked my therapist if we could do smacking next while she sucks on a cough drop. lol. It will do the trick. I am/was also triggered by the clinking of silverware against in stirring a drink or simply someone's fork hitting the dish while grabbing food. I haven't noticed that in awhile so perhaps it has resolved itself.

I thought it worthwhile to share this discovery since, if work on a generalized trigger is not working, perhaps breaking it down into smaller components will work.

Note: The link provided for brain spotting is a good overview that is not too technical. You can google it to find other references. The most important aspect is that your therapist is properly trained in the technique.

Jul 20, 2011

Phones & Tones & Bellish Things

I've known since my first year of memories that alters were called out by sounds and/or words. As an adult, am fairly certain I was cued by a phone call that had only a tone when I answered. Depending on the frequency of the tone, an assigned alter would then do as trained: call a handler, drive to a designated location, perform a specific task. Of course all this was done without conscious memory. When I would return home, all I would do is either still be asleep or be standing somewhere at home in a stupor.

I do recall often hearing the phone ring (before knowing I had DID) when it wasn't really ringing. It was a joke that I'd answer the phone only to hear a dial tone.

Last week a new television series called Alpha began on the Sci Fi channel. I was triggered and intrigued. Someone did their homework. The concept is people with heightened sensory abilities are brought into a group by a "good guy" who is helping the previously brainwashed people to do good by stopping the people who are doing the brainwashing. In one scene in the season premiere, a young man answers a phone, hears a tone, and proceeds to assassinate someone in a state of amnesia. Once he is in the care of the good guys, he must answer the phone so the tone can be traced. Of course the tone triggers the man into action. Another person quickly injects something into the man's neck (also triggering) but stops the programming and brings him back to awareness.

All this to share why I'm writing this post. During a therapy session yesterday,  I did work on my trigger to financial information (stocks, bonds, foreign exchange, offshore accounts). I can hear only so much in conversation or in movies or television before I go into overload and have to leave or turn it off. I knew my last active alter had been cued out at my work place by a specific phrase by a specific person. I learned this through a collage and was able to stop myself from responding.

Using EMDR in therapy, I was led back to the alter. She had never healed. She had been blocked from hearing any more signals but was still hiding in the shadows in fear of being accessed at any moment. She was unaware of present time. While relieved she had not been called on to do anything "bad" with money, she also had never moved into a place of healing. We were able to accomplish that in the session. The issue of tones had not come up because the last handler used a cue phrase.

This morning my iPhone alarm for my 7 a.m. pill went off...the bell tower. I sleep with the phone on my bed because of the morning alarms I need and it's so much easier to turn off. Also, I don't have to worry about power outages at night that affect the alarm clock;  and the bell tower is so much less startling than the clock buzzer or other sounds. Back to the bell tower alarm at 7 a.m. this morning...for the first time ever my hand accidentally knocked the phone back against the headboard where it then fell down behind the bed in the crack between the mattress and headboard.

The sound was turned up and the bell tower just played over and over. I ran for the long handled grabber tool. I was unable to reach the phone from the left side of the bed. Bell tower, bell tower, bell tower. Am on sound overload unable to shutdown or turn it off. From the right side of the bed I had trouble seeing the phone but found it after moving some tissues that had also disappeared into the space by the headboard. Finally the phone was within reach and I turned it off.

Three times in the next five minutes I checked to make sure I had turned the alarm off or it hadn't gone off again because I kept hearing it. Then I realized it was playing over and over in my head. Non-stop bell tower. I turned on some favorite music but only heard the bell tower in the background. I grabbed my grounding beads but they didn't help. BB sleeps in the other room due to snoring issues. He hadn't heard any of my trauma. I woke him up and asked him to talk to me hoping a human voice might quell the bells. He couldn't stay awake so I returned to bed grabbing the beads again. This time I turned on Belleruth Naperstek's guided imagery for relaxation. Listening to her voice helped quiet the bells and I fell back asleep.

Stop the Bells!

At one point I asked inside if the one playing the bells over and over again could please stop. But I also wondered if the alter who had moved into the healing place yesterday had been triggered by the overwhelming non-stop bells and was stuck in a flashback.

Part of my EMDR session yesterday led me to flashbacks of being programmed for certain alters to respond to certain frequencies followed by ECT (electro-convulsive therapy). Although ECT is said to supposedly erase memory, I wonder if it didn't also serve to reinforce recently-installed programming.

Logic tells me bells were used for very early programming, much like Pavlov's dog. My earliest programming memories though lead to piano tunes of children's songs like Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. But because the alter rescued yesterday seems to feel traumatized by the bells and she had been the last alter to be active in my DID life, bells were likely also used later in life.

My hope in sharing this experience is that it finally processes in me and maybe will help someone else who experienced similar programming.

Jul 6, 2011

Dismantling Delgado

Since my last post, I have still been dealing with the histamine effects. Mostly the rash is dormant now with sporadic itching. My Pycnogenol is kicking in and I'm taking less and less Benadryl. In the aftermath of this latest attack on my body, I wanted to begin working on the Delgado introject. I believe his job is to continue attacking the body. I've had one issue after another and don't want to have another if I can help least not because I was programmed to self destruct.

Yesterday my therapist began work by addressing the internal protagonist. She kept reminding me it was not Jose M. R. Delgado but a part of me made to take on his likeness. The session ended with that part contemplating his maintain the loyalty through fear of the past or to allow for healing. When I got home I did one Polyvore set after another processing all that was coming up. Eventually I got to the one who was behind the Delgado mask. He was a tortured teen/young man indentured to Delgado.

Shedding Internal Delgado's Mask

Just prior to my session I had shown a girl imprisoned. Apparently she represented the trauma bond to Delgado.


After processing Delgado fear and abuse with many sets, I was able to show the young girl as free although she is very confused about what to do with her freedom. My last set showed her contemplating in solitude by the sea. I am sure she will heal with the help of insiders.

Quiet Reflection

Not long ago I was in a trauma center terrified of my own body. Because of a recent integration, I no longer feel that level of fear. But working with an internalized abuser is rather daunting. Seeing the mask come off to reveal a tortured teen made it easier for me to want this wounded part of me to heal. Clearly he was not doing his job willingly.

Only time will tell if the programming broke. It's impossible to know about back up programming until it turns up. This is the third level of programming I've undone connected to Delgado since my father's death. I can only hope.

I would like to reclaim my life from this point forward, understanding there is still work to do. I have doctor appointments to help me fix what can be fixed of my body to return my quality of life to be more active. It's difficult to believe I'm still doing this much work when I started in 1997. It really is nearly a life sentence to undo the damage. The good news is I still have hope. I'm still evolving into the person who I can be at this time in my life. I know other survivors can too if they keep moving forward. There are times when moving forward was clawing on my hands and knees.  I hated what they did to me. But we can't let them win.

We have to live to tell our stories. And we have to keep telling our stories until enough people believe who can help stop it for future generations. Delgado is alive and in his 80s. The world will be better off when he is gone. I hope I will finally have complete peace inside when that happens.

Jun 21, 2011

Histamine Programming

I knew I had histamine programming from the alters who had it though really didn't understand how I was made to be that way. What happened was, at age 16, I had my first full blown allergy attack. My face swelled into a monstrous shape. I tested positive to everything except food allergies and had been on shots into my 30s. I also had chronic sinus infections. It took me years to realize the shots caused the sinus infections and had kept myself in a nonstop cycle for ages.

Possibly I wrote of this before. Several alters would constantly sneeze when trying to speak the truth. I understand that, throughout my life, I was thrown into an allergy attack if my mind got too close to anything of subconscious importance. I found a natural remedy to correct the imbalance of histamine my body was trained to produce. Pycnogenol pine bark (as opposed to grape seed extract) reduced the histamine produced by the body. It limits the manufacture rather than taking additional drugs (antihistamines) to squelch the invaders.

My previous post speaks of the rash I experienced over the weekend which I realized was a body memory based on doctors being totally baffled by it. I recalled though that it began in the very tips of my fingers this past Friday night. If I had been given injections of histamine to cause the itching, it was beneath the nail beds and between the toes.

I couldn't find the original article I had located on the internet of using hypnosis to convince people they were allergic to roses (even when shown an artificial rose). Thought something like that had happened to me. But the injections of histamine in huge quantities to create that reaction in me would have eventually caused my body to adapt to the larger amount.  Hence, testing positive to anything that was an irritant to the skin.

When, in early healing, I made a connection of trauma to breathing, my allergies died down on their own and between that winter of my realization and spring, I vowed I would no longer have hayfever beginning that year. And I haven't. When I found the Pycnogenol (I use the GNC brand), I started with 3 a day for a month and weaned to one a day where I've stayed since at least 2000. But earlier this year, I thought I was probably fine without it and, because it is expensive, thought I'd go off it. That was about three months ago. Am guessing the histamine level has grown and may be the reason the memory was even able to emerge in my body. I'll be back on it early July when GNC goes on sale.

Horrid programming but it was easy to stop and keep it stopped. Mind and body connection are amazing. Am still reeling at how few doctors are aware of somatic memories. They could do so much more to help their patients if they had just some foundation of it in their education. Maybe one day in a better future.

Jun 20, 2011

30 days 30 diagnoses

This post deals with issues regarding medication for those with DID as well as how difficult it sometimes becomes to diagnose an illness versus somatic (body) symptoms from an earlier trauma. A key element out of our life is the vast number of doctors who never heard of dissociation in their training.
Shortly after leaving the trauma center in mid-April, I asked to be placed on Abilify to see if it would help my then constant depression and suicidal thoughts. The Pristiq antidepressant had not fully kicked in yet. I do know the Pristiq has fully kicked in now but I began having issues Friday night related to a small rash on my stomach although the main issue was my “9 on a scale of 10” headache. When I awoke on Saturday morning my entire left knee had welts/hives on it as well as other areas of my body. I searched Abilify and rash/hives and found an immediate connection. I called the psychiatrist’s office and spoke to a colleague who supported my stopping my whole 2 mgs of it because of the rash and since I was no longer experiencing suicidal ideation. I also phoned Hershey Medical Center’s nurse triage center to explain what had happened as I had been in the Emergency Room the previous evening. The diagnosis had been a sinus infection on top of the concussion and I had been treated for that. The two minor symptoms that went with the rash were dismissed. I see how they would have done that at the time. I don’t blame them for missing it.

I was sent to an urgent care center in Hershey and seen by a female doctor. She supported going off the Abilify and I assured her I had not taken any that morning. She also prescribed Prednisone and urged me to maintain my Benadryl regimen.
Sunday I woke up amazingly without a headache. The Abilify must have been giving me headaches with the concussion so when the concussion stopped I assumed it was still the concussion. It never occurred to me the Abilify would be causing the headaches. At any rate, I felt great earlier today. I was active, smiling, moving more. But my rash was spreading everywhere and getting uglier by the minute. I believed my throat was tightening making it harder to breathe and no one was home. That is a sign of possible anaphylaxis and I had to call an ambulance because I couldn’t drive from being loopy on Benadryl.

A block away from the house the medic said my lungs were clear so I wasn’t going to have breathing problems. I said she could take me home then because that was all I worried about. She wouldn’t make the ambulance turn around. After seeing me for a few minutes, the doctor determined he didn’t believe it was from the Abilify but didn’t say what either. I was left alone and confused and just wanting to go back home. Eventually a second doctor came in to look at how bad my back was and asked some questions. I asked him what they thought it could be if not the Abilify. They didn’t know. I told him I only thought I might need oxygen and hadn’t questioned the reason for the rash and really didn’t care at that point.

When that doctor left, my mind wandered to body memories. The welts did remind me of insect bites. I had already processed memories involving fire ants, army ants, black widow spiders, and harmless Milk Snakes that resemble the very poisonous Coral snake. My brain quickly scanned my collages and was showing me the bees. I asked the doctor if he’d ever seen anyone bitten by a swarm of bees. He answered he had. I asked that IF I had been bitten, might my back look the way it does. Instead of answering yes or no and keeping it easy, he asked if I had been stung in the past three days. I said know but I believed it was a childhood memory. His answer was, “If you had been stung by a swarm of bees, you would have remembered.” I just sighed at the lack education given to doctors about dissociation and treating trauma survivors.

He finally answered he couldn’t say if that’s what it was or not. He discharged me and sent me home. Bee stings on my home computer looked far too severe for what was going on with me but I looked closely at my toes which seemed to be on fire they were burning/itching so badly. In between every toe was a line similar to a needle track. Now I could see this was something intentionally injected into me. Most of my memories have a trauma aspect and an educational aspect. I understand the trauma aspect. I was likely drugged with Ketamine so could feel and see but not move. An itching agent was injected between my toes (no visible scars to the world). Histamine is a good choice and I do know histamine programming was used on me. It may even have been how they kept alters in the body at one time for “group programming”. Pain made alters leave the body, but itching created a need to stay and scratch. Actually it was interesting reading if not for my toes.

I also looked at images of poison ivy, oak and sumac. My rash looks similar to poison oak in several images. Am sure that was a horrendous experience. Probably used to create my beehive system somehow. No one could get to hive because of the Poison Oak?

My back is just one solid “splash” of rash and hurts more than itches. This is where it sure would be nice for physicians to know their stuff about trauma survivors because many of us have such complex medical issues to begin with. Trying to figure out body memory versus physical manifestation is an uphill battle. Being informed ourselves before seeing a doctor is our best weapon.
I came home knowing the Abilify had been unknowingly causing my headaches, so that was good. I have a very limited diet and I only had added one thing in the past week: Jello Decadent Chocolate Mousse Pudding Cups. I was surprised they were sugar free which I normally don’t eat. I read the label and wrote down the names of the two sugar alternatives. Both were cited numerous times as dangerous to our health. So no more mousse for me. I’ll go back to my delicious and safer Skinny Cow ice cream.

I have my second dose of Prednisone in me now which is keeping me awake all hours which is why I’m writing at 3:28 a.m. Plus my feet and hands just won’t stop with burning in spite of the Benadryl. The rest of the body rash seems to have stopped spreading and has faded a bit.

Some would scream that Abilify was too dangerous to give me but I also took control in that situation. I asked for the lowest dose possible and cut it in half. My suicidal thoughts stopped right away and all I’ve had is a mostly bearable headache while my Pristiq finally kicked in about four weeks after my discharge from the trauma center. Hopefully that boost means I won’t need a substitute for the Abilify. So it did serve an important purpose in my life….to have a life while I was still depressed. As badly as this rash has gotten and how much frustration I growl or scream out, my mind is not going to the suicidal place. I think that’s pretty amazing.

I do see my ears, nose and throat doctor this week, my therapist this week, and my psychiatrist next week. All is under control again except the toes and palms of my hands. They don’t seem to keep me awake as much as my feet though.

Quality of life. Decision we all have to make. This medication as a trade off for not having this emotional ailment. It can be agonizing but information will always be key. My ordeal began Friday night. Sometimes a therapist will intervene and help educate the doctor on the patient’s trauma needs. I didn’t have that this weekend although she did call me to provide encouragement and some suggestions when I texted her on Saturday. She’s great.

I’ll continue to work with her on the memory of the histamine or poison oak or whatever was being done to me. I still think the Delgado perp part is making my life a living hell since my father died. More on that in another post. Be brave. Be your own advocate. Also know when to “hold em” and know when to “fold em”. If my doctor didn’t know about body memories, he certainly didn’t know about DID so I was just quiet on that point. I may be vocal in my blog. But I still have to play the game with certain people in my life, even if it’s just for an emergency room visit. In my area, if someone says they have DID, nothing from that point on is taken seriously. I am an adult survivor of long term child abuse. Period. ‘Nuff said.

Jun 12, 2011

Help to Resolve Memories of Drowning

 (This post appeared on Facebook under my page The Truth Behind Dissociation & Child Abuse. I think it warrants being posted for a wider audience.)

I had a memory early on of suffocating then being lifted up by feet and coughing up the water. Then I saw The Abyss where the diver's helmet fills with a liquid that is breathable. Replaces oxygen tanks. This liquid, now called Perflubron, is being used for a variety of purposes to include premature babies to recreate their womblike environment until they heal sufficiently. Movie history claims the breathable liquid was fictional but that was not true. I found research from the 60s that it was being used experimentally on lab animals.

Additionally, the rule for the government/scientific underworld is they are always ahead of public knowledge by about 20 years. My memory of the Perflubron is in the 60s. The movie was released in 1989 but is now a viable treatment for humans.

I am nearly finished with Dan Brown's book The Lost Symbol. He researched much about the Masons to write his book. Much of what he writes I have known. What is not connected in the book is that many survivors of ritual abuse as well as government mind control have memories of Masonic and/or satanic ceremonies. That aside, one scene in the book describes the book's hero, Robert Langdon, being placed in an isolation tank (i.e., Altered States) but with the ability to flood the tank with Perflubron. Someone not knowing about the breathable substance of course believes they are about to drown and is terrified for their life.

Stated in the book is that government torturers in our country use Perflubron for "waterboarding". The victim believes s/he will suffocate and drown but the torturer knows the person will survive since the fluid simply needs to be expelled from the lungs.

Am sharing this knowing how many survivors of the intentional dissociation abuse have memories of drowning. Perhaps this new perspective will help process that terror. I always wondered why I didn't die with all that was done to me. I figured they had to have a way of knowing I wouldn't die...exactly how far they could go. This insight explains a lot to me. And many of my Polyvore sets show girls or women under water.

May 29, 2011

Self-Awareness, Extreme Thinking & Balance

I was completely dissociated when I was 3. Most born into that underground world have intentional trauma in utero to begin the process. Creating anxiety and fear in a baby is simple. Irregular feedings make the baby wonder when and if they will be fed next. Prolonged periods of isolation without light, touch, and food induce fear of abandonment, starvation, and death. All innate survival skills are activated causing the child to be more likely to dissociate before they are able to speak and tell.

We grow up thinking food or death, love or death, helplessness and death. All roads lead to death. That thinking is constantly reinforced as we are raised into adulthood in that environment. Our mind's ability to maintain the abuse in a bubble of amnesia keeps part of our present and all of our past abuse out of our awareness. We are clueless about our double lives (for most of us, at least into our twenties and many a decade or two beyond).

The healing process of DID is to help us control what has been our mind's automatic response to pain, fear, and even feelings. I was fortunate to be in therapy prior to known DID to identify feelings and learn some good communication and coping skills. Most who learn they have DID haven't had help prior that point. Feeling pain, feeling emotions that are unidentifiable initially, and extreme thinking dominate in the beginning.

I've been healing for 14 years and still have automatic extreme thinking: if not this, then death. Except now it is death at my own hands. Suicide was also a huge part of growing up designer DID. Sharing this is preparation to explain how I analyzed an issue that was feeding into suicidal thoughts I've been struggling with recently.

I've been plagued with suicidal thoughts and vivid imagery since shortly after news of my abuser father's death and got the help needed to stop programming associated with that triggering event. I've written about programming that began once I had stopped the first program. A third round popped up which I believe was shut down. But the vivid images remained in my head. I used my coping skills to get out of my head but was becoming exhausted.

When I connected the worst of the thoughts to the pain that went with my body, I became very proactive. Last week I got in to see my psychiatrist earlier, I saw my family doctor about the lack of relief from concussion headaches, and made an appointment with the specialist who works with part of my body that is a huge trigger in every possible respect. That helped settle my mind about all issues going on in my life except relationship issues...that I didn't know were feeding into the suicidal thoughts.

When I saw my therapist a few days ago, she tried to focus on suicidal thoughts with me but my brain blocked her and I ended up rambling about things going on in my relationship. I thought initially someone inside just wasn't letting me have a good therapy session. But when I got home, I communicated to my partner all that was on my mind. In doing so, I realized not feeling I could do anything about his issues led me to feeling helpless. Helplessness leads to death. Old pattern. But communicating my feelings of helplessness to him really helped make that connection. I doubt that would have happened if I hadn't taken positive action about every other issue I was facing. A breakthrough for me.

As an extreme abuse survivor, stopping the mind from going to "death" as the answer is difficult. But we can remind ourselves there are choices between all and nothing.

Another component that inhibits self-awareness is our training to dissociate pain. I've healed to where I know I have pain and no longer have an automatic dissociative response. I hate pain. However, we multiples tend to grossly underrate the level of pain we do experience. We also have messages about deserving pain which keeps some from seeking medical help until an issue has progressed far beyond a simple intervention.

Having awareness is only the true beginning of healing. After becoming more whole and learning to stay present, only then can we see what we've been missing or feel what we've been missing. Rather than all roads leading to suicide, learning the shades of gray...healthy crucial, although certainly not easy.

I have been dealing with the unmentionable body issue since 2008 not thinking beyond just tolerating it and limiting my activities to accommodate it. Realizing that it was something I could choose to have treated was a very recent thought.

Learning things like yoga and qi gong, meditation and relaxation help all people to find calm and balance in the world. But such things are necessary to multiples. It's also helpful for support people of multiples to know that suicidal thoughts are the "norm" and we have to be reminded there are other ways to think.

I am happy to say the slight medication change made by my psychiatrist helped get those vivid images out of my head that were constantly plaguing me. Am grateful to be able to think a bit more clearly not being focused on ending my life.

Programming is such a complicated issue for support people to grasp. Just know it is something we struggle with for years. And even though I thought I was healed and had unraveled all programming, my father's death was able to trigger something hidden deep inside me just waiting to go off. We truly have no control except to scramble for help when it happens.

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to dissociate at will to get myself out of any uncomfortable or painful feelings. Since that is no longer an option, following the thoughts, self-analysis, and help from my therapist are still going to need to happen to take my life further away from that rabbit hole where I used to be perpetually stuck.

Having said that, sometimes self-awareness truly sucks.

May 20, 2011

Dissociation: There's An App for That!

My iPhone has become critical to my functioning in the world and in daily life. I'm going to share several applications that I use to help me.  Am sure there are other comparable apps to what I use. And I encourage you to search for your own apps for things to help you with specific tasks.

WAZE is a GPS guided speaking application. If you are prone to fugue states while driving or panic when you are lost, this app will show you exactly where you are and find your way back home or wherever you need to go by speaking the directions. No need to be looking at the phone.

The application also "learns" your local routes. For instance, I take my own personal route home to avoid certain roads and highways. Where you know your way around, have WAZE on and ignore the directions it tries to give you. It will adapt as you drive your own route.

I personally like having the voice tell me an exit is coming up or to turn because it takes away the semi-panic if I'm at the correct light to turn each time I go certain places and keeps me from zoning out and passing a turn.

I believe the iPhone clock already on the phone has the alarm, stopwatch, and timer settings. I have all my pill reminder times in there. I often use the timer if I'm taking tylenol and can take the next dose in 4 hours. Or in the morning when I have to wait an hour before eating.

All appointments go on my calendar. It allows me to select two reminders. Usually I remind myself two hours before and one hour before. I also put recurring events on the calendar instead of using the alarm clock. Change estrogen patch every Wednesday and Saturday, for instance.

Music is a main component of my soothing world. Shazam is an incredible app that allows you to identify music playing in the background of a movie or television show. The technology blows my mind. Once identified, you can press a button to download the song from iTunes.

iPOD on iPhone
I keep a list of favorite songs so I no longer have to carry my iPod with me as relaxation or tuning out unwanted noises in my environment. Recently I added a playlist of soothing songs for when I just need calming music rather than a mix of music. My ears are extra sensitive to noise so the iPod feature is a great coping skill for me.

If you have insiders who speak different languages, this app is only a couple dollars and will translate five different languages. It also has a button to hear the word or phrase pronounced correctly. I do have German, French, and Russian dictionaries from clues I used to get. Now I can use the app unless I need to see how to spell the word first.

I don't have any yet, but I have friends who have apps to help track calories, daily walking, and other health-related activities. Just search and see the ratings.

I definitely feel more self-sufficient with my iPhone. I have made wrong turns at night coming home from doctor appointments in the winter and was able to use my app to get back on the right road. While not an app, the ability to text my friends in my support network has helped me through a number of panicky times. I love my iPhone.

New Blog Name

The blog Forbidden Topic has been renamed to better reflect the topic evolution. I use the term "Designer Dissociation" to mean intentionally induced dissociation in children for nefarious purposes by sophisticated abusers and programmers.

This blog begins with education about DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and evolves to include the elements of ritual abuse and government or government-related programs that have and continue to create dissociation in covert programs. While our own government denies the existence of "satanic cults", that is exactly where the sophisticated abusers hide. If a survivor mentions robes or satanic circles, their memories are unilaterally dismissed except by those who have seen the life long damage caused by the horrific trauma inflicted on those who manage to survive.

Within this blog is information explaining the documented history of mind control specifically with regard to the United States ushering in Nazis to our country under Operation Paperclip shortly following WWII. The Cold War government warriors went to extremes to find the perfect agents. Declassified documents reveal the experiments of MK-Ultra. (The Senate Hearings of MK-Ultra can be found online.) However, the program I survived was already in full motion by 1952 headed up by an underground CIA alongside the Paperclip Nazis.

I know there are thousands of survivors. I don't know about tens of thousands or hundreds of thousands of survivors. Whatever the number, we need help untangling ourselves from the webs woven around our identities and missions and even ability to heal.

I've been sharing my journey on this blog for several years. I hope followers will continue following under the new, more appropriate, name. I no longer feel this is a forbidden topic. It is an essential topic that survivors must be able to discuss and learn to heal from one another in a supportive environment.

May 19, 2011

The Last of Tinkerbelle (?)

After the scare of the flooding of suicidal thoughts followed by messages that it was an adult Tinkerbelle and her child "pod" trapped, I was able to see my therapist. This mission was to rescue Tink and her little self. Once I was guided inside, all I had to do was watch what was happening and narrate what was unfolding.

Spencer who is both internal and external to the body rescued Tink as she clutched the jar holding her child likeness tightly to her chest. Her exits were either the tear duct by the eye or the nasal passage. As the session began, pain in my left nasal cavity began to pulsate. It stopped as soon as Spencer safely removed her.

Next I saw Spencer gently set her down at the entrance to the heart...where many of my alters have crossed through to heal. Tink was given a choice and she frantically ran into the entrance to reach the other side. Spencer followed her so she would have someone safe behind her. Oddly, as she emerged on the other side, the area of my head that hit the floor when I fell and got my concussion began to feel like it was radiating with healing energy. My head has felt better since then.

After noticing the good feeling where my head had hit the floor, I almost simultaneously felt a sharp pain near the upper back of my right ear. I sensed it was the Delgado part who was in a containment area angry that the Tinkerbelle program was finally dismantled to include the pod regeneration. My therapist was so ingenious in addressing the pain and that part of me. She told me Delgado himself was not inside me but his teachings were. His training and philosophies and programming that had been inflicted on Tinkerbelle and the sister introjects. As the therapist spoke, the fear of Delgado collapsed into a book of his messages. We filed the book in the internal library in the research section. He was a part of my history and his words no longer would control me.

I've felt calm and huge relief since the session. When I got home, I immediately did an art set showing Tink and her little self in their internal safe world. I realized today that they were now able to enjoy the view of the water from above it instead of feeling trapped below it. I have faith that she and the little will heal from the unhealthy attachment to Delgado and the lies and messages they were given. I'm also relieved she wanted very much to be rescued.

As for any physical benefit, that remains to be seen. But it's my left sinus that has been cause of constant sinus infections for years. I can only hope it's not too late for healing to happen now that the trauma has been removed. At least I'm hoping it's the last trauma connected to my sinuses...and the last Tinkerbelles who needed to be rescued.

May 16, 2011

Doll Therapy

I may have mentioned this before but in addition to collaging long before I had internet access, I began to collect stuffed animals...just the ones that "spoke to me". If you have DID, you understand how an inanimate object such as a doll or stuffed animal can seem to be wanting to say something. Those are the ones I bought. Eventually I came to know each as connecting to an alter.

My favorite example is my first alligator with very sad eyes. I first came to know his name: Howard. Eventually I found humanized images of the little boy known as Howard. He told me his name meant "hospital ward" and he had tough skin like an alligator so needles wouldn't hurt.

As a child, I hated dolls. I was overly attached to a teddybear I had gotten at age 3 in Germany. I had it still at age 44 when it became known I had DID. I trashed it immediately after I'd read that children with DID often have an object from childhood that is a reminder of their silencing programming. The bear was very worn and I had stitched up part of its mouth at one time. That's when I began to look for a replacement and many replacements came in the form of many stuffed animals.

It wasn't until I was a therapist that I purchased my first Ashton Drake "So Truly Real" doll, Baby Grace. I now have a collection of seven and had given an eighth away to a relative who loved her. I kept thinking the doll looked like my younger sister as a baby and never "bonded" with her.

My most recent and hopefully final acquisition was Emily Rose who I immediately turned into Tinkerbelle but didn't realize that until the last few weeks. I'd wake up each morning and see her and wonder what she was trying to tell me. I didn't coddle her like I had the other dolls. She's also a bit awkward and rather heavy to carry, unlike the others. She wears full size infant clothes instead of preemie clothes. This is my first picture of her when I had named her a safe name: Kaylee.

Tink is in the highchair on the right. She has a small bear also with a pink tutu. I have since placed a pink ribbon-like hairband in her hand. She is holding her white blanket in her left hand. After returning home from my trauma center stay and processing the milkweed pods that appeared in so many sets, I realized Tink was holding her discarded "veil" which enclosed her in the seed pod.

When the programming broke at the trauma center, the sisters had been connected but the other sister broke the chain leaving Tink holding the connecting end...the ribbon I placed in her hand.

This morning I received the answers I needed to understand many sets I've done of an underwater "see" world. I had a map of my system as layers back in 1998 showing See World as a place I thought had been healed. The surprising answers today were that Tink resides in my tear ducts...or a tear duct...which lead from the eye to the nasal sinus. My recent Polyvore sets can be viewed showing how I came to these answers. This set will get you to the explanation:

After understanding where she is trapped, I realized I have no idea how to help her until I see my therapist. Since my fall leading to the concussion at the trauma center, my eyes have been a main source of aching and pain which I treat with heat. I also realize Tink has been very unloved. I've dressed her and held her a few times, but mostly she sits in that high chair...almost like a prison.

This morning I have her with me. I removed the ribbon that keeps her tied to the programming from her hand and placed my spa pad on her head. Bizarre? Silly? Who knows. I just know what I do externally with regard to loving the stuffed animals and dolls has an internal impact so am hoping I'm helping her in some way.

Healing can happen in many ways. Follow your instincts and listen inside. You never know what can be a healing tool. Am hoping Tink can be safely moved to a different area of my body where she is free to heal with the others. And perhaps her surfacing last night with strong suicidal thoughts was her cry for help rather than trying to frighten me.