For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Dec 19, 2010

WTF are introjects?

Introjects are confusing. It's confusing talking about them because it involves an alter/dissociative split that represents someone also known in the outside world.

Unfortunately, within the system (referring to all alters and any internal structures) there are typically several introjects especially those that represent prominent abusers. Currently I'm working with two sister introjects. They have different names inside. And scary things went with each of them.

The important concept to remember is that an introject is a split from the self holding onto the memories of that outside person. It is also a part of us that must be heard and heal like any other self.

Confusion comes in several ways. The introject "feels" like the real person...carries the same characteristics and persona. An introject is only holding such things for a specific person. Each alter/self was created for a specific role in the system. Those of us with sophisticated programmers might run into several programs designed to keep us away from discovering or even healing to the point of finding an introject. Mostly I experience headaches and dizziness.

I only had a small number of parts who freaked me out that I could only go near in a therapy session. Oddly, the most frightening ones turned out to be littles who were made to look and act terrifying.

When an introject reflects a known abuser and internally creates the terror inside that was also created outside, approaching the part is a thought that can create panic. I had to keep reminding myself that inside it is NOT that is a part of me who needs to heal. And what a horrid job that part of me recreate the terror that part knew him/herself. The introject is usually very relieved not to have that job anymore.

It took me ages to understand introjects. Reading about one and how to help someone heal an introject is different than dealing with one of my own. Only then did the "education" make any sense. In my case, that may also have been intentional confusion to keep me away from the word. I wasn't ever supposed to know of such things, or so the abusers hoped.

In any event, I hope sharing this might help another. As for my introjected sisters, after several weeks of doing sister sets on Polyvore, I've come to realize the sisters are merged with each other. I think that one sister representation is or has been integrating into me. I'm not sure if it's done. This is revolving around a Christmas memory in 1955 so I suspect that might be a present for me.

Dec 15, 2010

More Realizations--What Could Have Been

Since writing my earlier post, new information and puzzle pieces have been landing in my head. I'm on Facebook so some followers of the blog may have already read this in a Note. Last Friday I missed a dentist appointment in spite of having had it on a physical calender and my iphone with two back up reminders. About the time I was supposed to have gone to the dentist, I spontaneously decided to run to the drugstore. The first time I saw my phone that day was when I came out of the drugstore. It was after 4 pm and I saw the dentist had called.

I was horrified because the dentist was doing me a favor by fitting me in that day. The office was very nice and rescheduled me for Monday. On Monday early afternoon I realized my phone alarms had not gone off for my vitamins. The volume was fine but the SILENCE switch had been turned on. Brian said he hadn't done it and it's not something that can happen accidentally. That's when I said, "Someone really doesn't want to go to the dentist."

That night I was consciously powering my phone off and saw that the SILENCE switch had been turned on again (but my 10 p.m. alarm had sounded). That's my reference in the previous post that someone inside me was acting without my conscious knowledge.

In sharing what had happened with the Polyvore set, "In Transit", shown below, I got hit with another realization. My older sister  (internally named Lizzie) HATED going to the dentist. My mother always had to be sneaky about when Lizzie had the next appointment and tell her 10 minutes before. She was telling me who she was but I hadn't gotten the message without the answer that she was still "in transit".

Now for the scary part. The internalized sister parts of me, along with others, were programmed to take over consciousness and return to the fold, so to speak...whatever military base had last been the message or a certain address. The sister parts didn't surface until after I thought I had been fully integrated.

I don't know for certain whether other parts remain hidden deeply because they would have been too dangerous to surface before my current level of healing. I know that my protector would not have allowed anything dangerous to happen, but her having taken over my consciousness several times in the past week has been disconcerting. Better to miss a dentist appointment than return myself to hands that knew how to break me or worse. This was something that came up so many times in undoing my layers of programming. I wonder how many of us (from this type of programming) never get to fully heal because an alter turns themselves in or self-destructs.

A few years into my healing, several layers of programming had the message of going to visit my older sister (report back to the family). I'm so sad that she is part of that world and doesn't know it. Neither sister, to my knowledge, has awareness of our abuse.

I want to remember Lizzie as sitting on the floor of our bedroom when I was 4 or 5 and teaching me how to tie my shoes. Which brings to mind one more amazing aspect of DID. When I did internalize a person, their personality quirks (if known in conscious life) came with them, along with the original goodness they were meant to have. That Lizzie hated the dentist is just weird.

One more mystery that likely goes with Lizzie is my Thumper voice...a little who slurs words and mumbles. Except that voice sounds the same as my adult voice in my head. Only outsiders can hear the difference. Even as an adult, Lizzie tended to speak very softly and mumble. I used to stare at her mouth and wonder how she could speak when it seemed as if her lips weren't moving. Brian confirmed that I haven't always had the Thumper voice. It's something "fairly recent".

We're betting the Thumper voice will integrate with Lizzie. This is a big puzzle.

Answers Come in Mysterious Ways

One of the more frustrating aspects of healing from DID is waiting for an answer. For a multiple, we can ask inside for an answer. Sometimes an alter or protector will give a direct answer. Sometimes the answer is just another puzzle. Often there is silence.

Lately I've had parts of me emerge who represented my internalized sisters. I've also had noticeable activity by someone inside. Noticing one's own dissociated actions after the fact is always jarring to some extent. Last night when I went to bed, I asked inside of the two sisters had integrated with me. I fell asleep, which often happens when I try to get an answer.

This morning, as I often do, I go check out my sets on Polyvore and look at sets done by others. I also find new items to create my own art. This is the inexplicable synchronicity of my personal healing. I visited sets from someone I hadn't visited in ages. While there I found an item I liked which led me to several others. By the time I was done collecting interesting things, I had a set in mind.

I created a set knowing a Japanese person goes with my older sister. It was a really cool set, IMO, and wanted music to go with it. I searched "mannequin" hoping for a song about mannequins. Instead, an artist named Jack Mannequin came up. I did choose one of his songs but had used the name of one of his other songs for the set title, In Transit.

Several hours after doing the set it dawned on me that the set was the answer to last night's question. The alter that goes with my older sister is still "in transit". Pretty cool stuff.

Nov 1, 2010

The fallacy of 1 in 100

The most used statistic in texts on dissociation or that include dissociation is 1 in 100 people could have it. A rare diagnosis. I can't address the entire population as to validity of 1 in 100 but in the realm of child abuse or adult survivors of child abuse, that number changes drastically. Here are some current statistics:

National child maltreatment estimates for Federal fiscal year (FFY) 2008 are based on child populations for the 50 States, the District of Columbia, and the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico. During FFY 2008:

An estimated 772,000 children were victims of maltreatment;

Nearly 33 percent (32.6%) of all victims of maltreatment were younger than 4 years old (figure 3–3).  An additional 23.6 percent were in the age group 4–7 years

Nearly 39 percent (38.3%) of victims were maltreated by their mother acting alone (figure 3–6). Approximately 18 percent (18.1%) of victims were maltreated by their father acting alone. Nearly 18 percent (17.9%) were maltreated by both parents.


Children who become DID are usually the ones in homes where incest or any intense and consistent abuse begins prior to age 6, although some children have become DID as late as age 9. So all children in the above statistics maltreated by one or both parents equates to more than 50% of 772,000 children who could develop DID if the maltreatment is sufficiently traumatic.

Another source, National Child Abuse Statistics, cites: In 2007, approximately 5.8 million children were involved in an estimated 3.2 million child abuse reports and allegations.  90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way;  68% are abused by family members. Average age of molestation was age 9.

Again, DID is directly related to the proportion of children whose consistent abuse begins at a pre-school age,  which means likely 30-40% of those children abused by family members (1 million out of 5.2 million) or roughly 19%.  Why 30-40%? The average age of molestation was 9 meaning half  (50%) of those children were under age 9. I chose a lesser amount to be on the conservative side.

It is easy to see that in the population of children raised in homes with abusive children have roughly a 19% chance of developing DID, much higher than the often believed 1 in 100. DID is a well kept secret of the underground and much aligned “disorder” by well funded organizations attempting to protect disclosure for their own agendas.

It's time see see the reality. Therapists working with survivors of child abuse are going to have much higher incidence of DID than that reported in their textbooks while earning their degrees.

Oct 28, 2010

October Surprise

Once again synchronicity has led me to an answer...a body memory mystery I recall having since my 20s. However, in my 20s, I was completely dissociative in that insiders were trained to keep me from noticing too much of anything.

I believe I've shared about my body memory of cigarette burns in my genital area which I've tried to resolve many times in therapy because of the pain. The burns came up first as a slightly sore bump and rapidly spread from bump into the form of many tiny bumps with fiery burning for 24-48 hours.

Several years ago I became aware that prior to cigarette burns appearing, my right groin and down into my right upper thigh become sore. If men are reading this, excuse the body references. Initially it would feel like undies were too tight and I'd tug at the elastic that hit the groin area on the right. Or I assumed my jeans were cutting into me. Possibly in my 30s but definitely by my 40s, I stopped wearing jeans believing they were causing the problem. Apparently I dissociated any blisters or burning.

After memories began in my mid-40s, I was very aware of the blisters but didn't connect them to cigarette burns until later in my healing. I came to know it as a short-lived painful time. I knew the burns were a part of very early abuse...something that would traumatize a baby who only knew sounds and sensations.

The burns have become quite infrequent. Am not recalling the last time but possibly once in the past year. Last night I was tugging at my undies thinking not all the detergent had washed out in the laundry (a common first thought). By bed time, I was commando and even my numbing cream for my painful surgery scars didn't work.

Back up to yesterday when I participated in a discussion on Copperstrings about communicating with body parts in pain or bothersome. Ask it would it would like to say. This was a very effective technique when I was a therapist. People would blurt out the most amazing answers where they suddenly understood what their specific pain related to. I don't recall ever having done that for myself. I have a part (wisdom of the body) who I've come to rely on to tell me. But this groin pain is such a mystery.

Logically I imagined the upper thigh and groin pain was someone who held my leg tightly while another burned with a cigarette likely repeating "messages" that would become part of the belief system they were building for me.

One more piece of the puzzle is my discovery of a butterfly shape seared into my labia. It was not a tattoo. It was branding with a branding iron. Possibly my left leg was immobilized while someone pulled my right leg roughly to the side wide enough to allow for the branding.

In conjunction with the groin pain that arose last night, my right jaw bone (joint?) has been very sore. Pressure to keep me silent during the branding?

This morning I woke up with a very wide area of my right inner thigh too sore to touch. Am sure the date plays a role because I have terrifying memory of my first Halloween. I would have been 11 months old. While placing special cream on the sore area earlier, I recalled what I wrote yesterday and asked my thigh what it wanted to say. "Get that iron away from me!"

The long sought after answer. At 11 months of age, that butterfly was made a part of my being. A symbol to others I was officially part of the government program. Perhaps the cigarette burns were reminders of that pain and additions to the message that I belonged to them.

So many puzzle pieces here. Many years of questions and painful days. Am praying this one time this traditionally precursor pain to the blisters is all I need to know. I have my answer to when and how that tattoo came to be placed on me.

Validation is a bitch.

Oct 18, 2010

The Experts on DID have not had DID

When I first began to read about DID, rather voraciously, I read The Family Inside followed by Beyond Integration, both by the same authors. In other books I read, "integration" appeared to be the end of DID. The person becomes singular with one mind, one self. That may be the case with some. All victims with DID have had horrific childhoods. The variable is the intensity and consistency of the abuse once the child's mind fragments, in my perspective.

When I integrated in Nov 2002, I thought that was it. But it wasn't. It gave me a new stronger self to deal with the next level of healing...deeper trauma. The integration itself was a rather spectacular internal event. No doubt in my mind that is what had happened.

I was a year into grad school when the first integration happened which probably helped me absorb much more of my classes. (I graduated with a 4.0 gpa.) In November 2003, a month prior to my graduation, I experienced a second integration. I did feel stronger, more confident, ready to be a therapist and began that career full time in January 2004.

I had very few new issues and only saw my therapist once a month, mostly to process client issues I was not releasing as effectively as I needed to. I recall not being able to "go inside". I believed it was made necessary for me to stay "out" to keep me from returning to that place of dissociation inside. I had friends and a social life. I was happy.

I've discussed this before here and/or on Facebook, but also had a new insight into the events. In 2007 I encountered several scary body issues along with a female "specialist" who I believed was the best person at the time. She performed three surgeries on me, all of which caused harm to my body, although that was not known until after the third surgery and getting myself into the hands of highly qualified specialists.

After two more surgeries to fix the first surgeon's mistakes and to get me back to health and physical therapy which thankfully allowed me not to have a third corrective surgery, I was a physical and emotional mess. I realized in retrospect that my mind viewed the medical experience as trauma and placed "distance" between me and my feelings until much later. I had PTSD to the first surgeon's name (heard on radio and seen/heard on television and billboards).

That new trauma created several littles but also opened me up to old traumas that had newly surfaced. Work that needed to be done for ongoing healing but was okay to put on hold while I was a therapist. For nearly a year I had hoped I would return to work. Finally I realized I could not return because of the fragility of my own emotional state.

This blog which began as therapist me educating others about DID has now transitioned into knowledge learned becoming and being a therapist along with another phase of my healing journey from DID. For the past year or so, I've been going through what I knew was "fusion" from my insiders but I'm not done yet.

Some books on DID speak of a fusion process in addition to integration while other books use the terms interchangeably. On Facebook, I've been part of discussions by many with trauma backgrounds including DID. I need that again as one still healing. Those on the far side of healing (beyond integration?) believe it may be a lifelong process of always having some vestiges of the abuse. None of us really knows.

Even when I felt healed as a therapist, I could still hear my inner wisdom and sometimes protectors when I was in fearful situations. But all people have ego states...different states of being at different times. It felt normal to me. Now I know there are at least a few left who apparently are trying to merge so that *I* am part of the healed being.

Whatever you think might happen to be healed or whatever term you use for it I believe is individual. I don't think it's fair to label an ending when few have reached a point of having no more issues. Recently several readers of this blog expressed shock that I claimed to be integrated but was still dealing with DID. That is the case for me and the experts don't always know the answers, especially if they haven't been through it themselves. I can see where some may have claimed clients were healed after integration. Perhaps they didn't have a client who experienced a new trauma post integration.

This blog is my sharing so others can connect or not. My goal is only that some are helped by my knowledge and healing which goes along with struggling. I am not the competent trauma therapist at the moment. I could be a competent trainer of therapists who would like to work with dissociation. That would not engage the emotions as a client going through the same issues as me would. Part of being a good therapist is knowing my limitations.

Thanks to those who have been taking this journey with me.

Oct 17, 2010

Healing Body Work

Often I see or *hear* a cringe when I mention various work I've had over the years that I believe have been an integral part of my overall healing. One of my recommended resources is The Body Remembers which explains how the body stores trauma memories just as the mind does.

More and more somatic (body) therapies are being used to help heal trauma including PTSD in war veterans. I had the privilege of attending a workshop by Pat Ogden who is one of the leaders in the field.  She coaches the client to move the body (on their own) to release where the body feels locked or tight or sore.

Peter A. Levine's book Waking the Tiger addresses the need for humans to "shake off" (engage the body in releasing trauma) much the way animals do in the wild to survive.

Ogden and Levine's methods are client initiated and do not involve touching on the part of the therapist except possibly as a target or to provide resistance for pushing.

Where the greatest resistance seems to be is in massage...another person touching the body. I know through my own massage therapist there are techniques such an Indian Head Massage where the client is fully clothed and sits in a chair. It could be a gentle way to become familiar with the healing benefits of massage.

I don't know why I had no aversion to massage. I used to have some relaxation massage before known trauma. Perhaps that is why. Throughout healing, I've had Reiki, a bit of acupuncture, deep tissue work, hot stone massage, cranial sacral massage, and today I was introduced to a technique called cupping.

I learned of cranial sacral through another survivor in the late 90s. The masseuse must have special training. It sounds like it is only the head but it encompasses the whole body. Cranial sacral fluid flows throughout the body and the therapist feels for blockages and uses a light touch around those areas for release. I always felt better afterwards but it didn't have the feel of the deep tissue or hot rock which I like...a harder touch that feels like it's really getting to the tight muscles.

It's been a long time since I've had so many knots in my head and neck and upper back, which I thought related solely to my two week cold. Internally I sensed there might be tension and should have some work done. I just needed from shoulders up worked on but I love the warmed massage table. A masseuse will work with your comfort level so you just need to communicate where you are uncomfortable with touches and/or be able to ask the person to stop if something feels uncomfortable.

The cupping was a gentle suction sensation created by cups (adapted to area of body being worked on) attached to a machine. Very comfortable. It released tension through suction instead of compression.

You can also do your own body work to some extent, especially hand and foot massage. Those appendages carry nerves to every area of the body. So if you work out a hard knot between your toes, for example, it may well be alleviating a headache. Charts are online if you want to know what is what. I just tend to feel around and massage sore spots.

I also have a massager that can reach behind me to get behind my shoulders and slightly under shoulder blades where tension can hide for a long time. A Shiatsu pillow is my favorite for lower or mid back pain.

I encourage all the listen to their bodies. For those with DID, you probably know that alters can "live" in different parts of the body. I used to have parts sometimes heal as they were released from the knot they were in. If you haven't tried body work as a healing modality, maybe it's worth looking into.

Oct 7, 2010

My Depression Reality

I was born depressed. Kids weren't seen as having depression in the 50s and 60s. But I had the "I wish I would die cuz I'm so tired" thought at least since high school. Some of this I've shared before but feel the need to write again now. As an adult, before I knew I had DID, I had tried numerous antidepressants, none of which I could tolerate. Post DID diagnosis I know my total was at least 20 antidepressants that weren't tolerable so I healed as far as grad school and into full-time therapist without antidepressants. I had been taking Klonipin to help me sleep for quite a few years and still am.

Early 2005 I came to realize how down I was when my friends kept asking if I was excited about my trip to Italy in May and realized I really wasn't. I wanted to be. Then in February I woke up one day in tears and couldn't stop crying. Emergency call to my therapist. I had to be able to work. I couldn't let depression stop me from my career. By then Cymbalta was on the market and made to address both depression and PTSD. It worked. The tears stopped the next day. By April I was genuinely happy and felt I no longer had the default "I want to die" message. Life was wonderful.

I'd been on only a very small dosage of Cymbalta that changed my life. And all was well until a year after all the pelvic surgeries and hospitalizations. My depression had increased beyond where I could function. Cymbalta was bumped to where it made a difference...30 mg to 120 mg (max dose). Was feeling better...not crying every day.

When my body issues had impacted so much of my being, I fell even further. Since then it has been a battle to find an adjunct happy pill. I was feeling better on Wellbutrin but developed a tremor from it. Am now working on another and it is just not making a difference.

I know all the coping skills for depression but I get to a "why bother" point and really just wish I'd magically die quietly overnight or magically no longer need a drug induced state of well being. This is long term effects of trauma. Every day of my life.

I had most of 2005 and 2006 as a happy person. Not just "not depressed" but at a level I never imagined because I'd never experienced it before. I want to be that person again for me and for BB. He doesn't deserve a lump for a partner. I have my sense of humor even when I'm depressed which is a sort of coping skill.

Recent efforts to be heard as an advocate in changing strategies to target pedophiles has also begun to feel futile. Do I still have a life if I'm not making a difference in the world? Not sure where that message comes from but it's been around for a long time too.

An expert on helping others with their depression and giving up on my own. There has to be a middle ground. Where's my Soylent Green peaceful death?

Oct 6, 2010

From Collage to Clarity

In many of my early handmade collages, I had images of people on bicycles with walkie talkies. Sometimes people on bicycles surrounded the alter in the collage. I never "got" it.

Possibly earlier in this blog, when I was still a full-time therapist, I posted about my bicycle experience. One of my RA/MC clients came with her own perps surrounding my office minutes before her appointment time. She would tell me about being followed and the man on the bicycle. Initially I believed it was paranoia which is justified for those with DID going to a therapist where they might tell the truth or discover their truth along with abuser identities.

One day I decided to meet her on the walk outside the office a few minutes before appointment time. The bicycle nearly ran me down and I came to know the vehicles that followed her. They were also there when she left and followed her route. I took pictures. Her bicycle man also became my bicycle stalker. Armed with cell phone (updated technology from when I was younger), this biker would manage to fly out of side streets just as I was rounding a corner on my way to work.

There were times when he flew across the road in front of me when I just went out for lunch or a spontaneous errand. They always knew where I was so it had to be a joint effort. When I tried to report harrassment by a man on a bicycle I became extremely aware of the police reaction. Just cycling by at "coincidental" times was not a crime. I was told macing the guy as he whizzed by was not allowed.

Fastforward several years when I am no longer a therapist and rarely go anywhere except to doctor appointments. It's been awhile but I was followed yesterday from near my home to the therapist's office (at least a 1/2 hour drive) by someone in a truck. But it began from the roads near my townhome with a bicycle person talking on his cell who did target my car.

I pretended to ignore all but it is nerve wracking. I've been more vocal online. It's a message they still monitor my activities. In spite of having made the decision to live my life in spite of them, it's a lot of emotional play to keep it together.

The reason for this sharing is that, throughout my pre-therapist life, I was never aware of being followed. Guess most of my surroundings were always foggy. But my alters saw and made it very clear in the collages. The abusers did it before cell phone technology and they are still doing it now. Because who is going to believe, in this day and age, a stalker would use a bicycle? It's because it's unbelievable and everything "they" do is intentionally unbelievable. They live in that invisible world.

Oct 4, 2010

That moment of gritty reality

Yesterday I attended an online interview to hear Darlene Ouimet, author of Emerging from Broken, speak of her healing from DID. Listening to her brought up several key moments in my healing life. Darlene spoke of digging down to the bottom of the crud that had built up over the years and beginning anew with a smooth, supportive surface. I liked the analogy, but it also snapped me back to my moment of dreadful reality.

Coming out of an invisible shield of amnesia leaves one feeling lost. Believing one has been a multiple is part of the same timing, or was for me. OMG I'm a multiple; OMG I've had amnesia for most of my life! I came to grips with being a multiple rather quickly and had support to learn some immediate coping skills.

Memories went quickly from f*ther abuse to f*ther in a graveyard with others. Research about ritual abuse led to information on government abuse. I had no memories yet but had also completed probably 100 collages by then showing much government imagery.  Just curious. Joined a list sharing internet info about government programs. One day I opened an email that described an "arm" of MK-Ultra that explained every collage and memory I'd had to date.

That was my moment. A sickening dread that what I hoped could not possibly be true was true. Even if there was some propaganda in what I read, the main details went with me. Complete devastation, collapsed to the ground, sobbing that I had no idea who I was or what life I had lived. The realization that my conscious memory was only a tiny part of my entire life.

In addition, a tsunami of fear swept over me taking me to edge of paranoia that someone was going to kill me because I was remembering.

Many have come forward in the last decade and here we are holding each other's hands because few others dare look at the facts behind our reality. I've come to grips with that more or less. I'm here. I'm considerably healed. I feel blessed to have had the help from good therapists and friends and a safe new family to overcome what happened to me.

Thank you, Darlene. We made it. We survived. We won by surviving. We will have to be our own cheering section until others join in our knowledge of government corruption. Oh how I wished Barack Obama would become president and not be snowed by insiders. That maybe it would stop. There's still hope, I guess.

Sep 22, 2010

Heart and Soul

By processing an extremely intense memory for several years, I have a sense of what the organized government aspect was seeking, in addition to other nefarious objectives. Many memories connected to having no heart, being heartless, shattered heart, irreparable. Wanting us to believe we were sociopaths. Of course all the external messages/lies were seen for what they were during the healing process.

I've had many confusing messages about "soul" in memories but know my soul was still in tact. My belief at this time is that the objective was to destroy soul so they would have complete control over us. No sense of belief in a good higher power.

In processing the memory, I came to realize (my interpretation) that they believed heart and soul resided together. If one could literally destroy the emotional aspect of heart they could also destroy the aspect of soul. Without going into the traumatic components of the memory, they knew the soul left the body during death and wanted to figure out how to capture the departing soul.

One of the main people behind implementation of MK-Ultra was Sidney Gottlieb who worked for two decades as the head of the CIA's Technical Services Division. In his retirement, he was volunteer at a hospice (dying people). He also had earned his Ph.D. in death. The original Dr. Death.

Much of my memories have a focus of death...more an obsession to understand. Were they/are they still (?) after that perpetual fountain of youth. What I do know is that death was used to perpetuate my trauma.

Perhaps some had a predisposition to a sociopathic personality, as did my father. However, the many survivors I've known have a deep sense of sorrow and yearning to believe something in life is good. They did not take our souls. I pray the world wakes up to this underground before they indeed unlock secrets to make 1984 a reality.

In finding a link for Gottlieb, I also discovered this upcoming show on National Geographic, CIA Secret Experiments. It's still going on.

Aug 31, 2010

Writer's Block

Decided to collage about my writing block and it looks like it is in a good place and will return...someday.

Aug 14, 2010


I am watching a movie called The Killing Room. The description is an MK-Ultra project shelved for 20 years and then being conducted by a "diabolical" psychiatrist. Toward the end of the movie, the word "apoptosis" is used. I immediately looked it up. Here is the definition:
The genetically programmed death of cells at specific times during embryogenesis, metamorphosis, and during cell turnover in adults.

As I read the definition, I could easily substitute the word "alter" in place of "cell". I've said many times that I had suicide programming at every level of healing. I had no idea the objective was for the self to mimic a natural cell process of elimination.

The movie explains they are looking for civilians guaranteed to take the lives of others and sacrifice their own lives "for the greater good"...civilian weapons.

At the end of the movie, it was not about the subjects themselves who were destined to perish at the end of the "voluntary experiment", but to test the new doctor hired by MK-Ultra to make sure she could ignore her conscience and allow the harm, torture, and killing to proceed without her intervention.

I watch these movies now in hopes of finding answers to my own life. Mostly they just justify the notion of lack of empathy, remorse, and conscience in the name of "freedom".

Jul 4, 2010

Art Therapy In Progress

I am still reeling from this discovery of a part of me called Floating Grace. She began with an item in a Polyvore set made for me by a friend who is not a survivor. I connected with it immediately. After adopting her, I first added a face and made her my own item, adding wings in the next set.

Have been going through quite a time with flashbacks and body memories and strange internal messages and being led to new information online since about July 1. I see my last entry was exactly one month ago...if that means anything.

Here is the evolution of Floating Grace through art:

Interesting how the cartoonish item had the black and white. Dots seemed to go with her before the child image was found. And the TOP SECRET and CLASSIFIED font is black and white. I think Floating Grace knows things I may not ever really know for safety reasons. But I am able to connect her dots through researching clues on the internet.

Jun 4, 2010

Discovery of Marnie - Evolution of Internal Self

I wish I could easily find my first magazine images of Marnie...long dark hair, always near water. And my obsession with the 1964 Alfred Hitchcock movie Marnie with Tippie Hedron and Sean Connery pre-James Bond days. I was in 5th grade and it was when theaters allowed you to stay for as many showings as you wanted. I stayed there for three shows before knowing I had to go home.

After knowing I had DID, I found a used DVD online and found it just as riveting but also understood the great attraction...Marnie had trauma in her childhood, amnesia for the event, obsessive behaviors, fear of men, and PTSD.  Part of me knew I needed to remember that movie. Finding a part named Marnie made all of that fall into place.

These past few days I watched a "new" (unidentified) Polyvore image emerge as a part of me. Just this morning I got the internal message she was Marnie. I believe she is the part of me who makes sure I'm at my aquatics therapy sessions three times a week. It is helping bring back all the muscles that atrophied since the surgeries of 2007-2008.

I had noted to my life partner that something happens that I go from slug to total motivation when it's time to get ready for therapy. It truly feels like a different energy and now explains why I often blank out while driving to rehab. Marnie loves the water. I guess I helped her heal and now she's helping me to heal.

Thought it was interesting that the gorgeous "portrait" of her beneath the sea was the earliest Polyvore set, not knowing who she was. But here she is now nearly a year later coming forward. I had an even earlier set of her that was not as artistic where she was rescuing my soul (a little girl) from a locked chest on the bottom of the sea.

Am hoping this is helpful to those with DID. Answers come in no particular order and at times when no meaning is attached. I've been going to aquatherapy for two months and she just know is letting me know it's her. Kinda cool...I think.

Apr 22, 2010

Sex vs. Love

For the past week have been processing further integration only to learn one part of me is still walled off. She's probably always been walled off. Initially the messages came through Libby's sets. The woman behind glass in several images represents Libby's sexual repulsion.

Yesterday and this morning it kept coming to me that the woman behind the glass was Joy. At first..."Joy of Sex". But she represents joy/bliss at a level I've not known before. Internal aha. "Sex" in a loving relationship (at least for me and am guessing most) comes from happiness, intimacy, bliss. It comes from a happy place in healthy relationships. Whatever "happy" was in the world of abuse we know was not the true meaning of happy.

I'd thought I did experience happiness and moments of joy on a daily basis. But I also have a "wall" that keeps me from calling people I love dearly. Had thought that was my phone phobia but that particular kind of phone call is denying me a joy I truly want. I did the above set this morning before I left for afternoon physical therapy. All of what I just wrote came together during my drive time. I want to allow Joy in. I may have to wait until my psychotherapy session next week to help Libby also embrace Joy.

Apr 9, 2010

Art Therapy Still Surprises Me

I put the background of the above collage together knowing I wanted to put the girl with the bubblegum on top. I tend to do most art with few words these days. But early in healing when my pictures came from magazines, I often put words on the sets. It didn't take long to realize words were just as meaningful (or likely to be an internal message) as the pictures.

Often words too small for me to read without my trusty magnifying glass, had huge meaning...always totally amazing me.  In assembling the background for the above collage I'm focused on color and shape and fit. It wasn't until I placed the girl with the bubble that the word BLOW next to her suddenly jumped out at me. The main message of the collage with intentionally obscured meaning was right there in letters. When I found it, I immediately put the clear bubble around it.

Gotta love the subconscious when it comes to those surprises that suddenly (or sometimes not so suddenly) reveal themselves. If you've been doing art therapy, you may want to review past sets for words or phrases. It was my experience that words on or near alters went with them. Sometimes a phrase or word sort of standing on its own applies to the entire collage or memory.

Happy collaging!

Apr 1, 2010

Alice Programming

This may be triggering to unhealed survivors. I'm hopeful it might be helpful to therapists treating clients with programming. This is what I found in me. It's not necessarily what everyone with Alice Programming will experience. Likely there will be some similar components though.

Consciousness is Wonderland which has a rainbow and poppies (the Oz in Wizard of Oz). This is part of the backwards world created around victims.

Subconsciousness is Oz which has dandelions. To cross "the bridge" from consciousness to subconsciousness, Alice has to go down the rabbit hole which is represented as a hypnotic spiral by many survivors.

The ferris wheels represent spinning to forget.  I've also used carousels. When Oz is activated, consciousness is "asleep". Oz is controlled by handlers/abusers. Wonderland is a very guarded world since alters filter what the host sees, hears, and speaks.

Both Wonderland and Oz have an Alice. There might be a Dorothy but, for me, Dorothy went with a huge spin program like the tornado.

Tinkerbelle can go anywhere in the system.  Alice "reports" to Tinkerbelle. Tinkerbelle makes sure Alice does what she is told.

Alice had been fragmented into four selves who had to merge for Alice to heal. Tinkerbell was also fragmented into two or more selves. She also merged into one and then merged into Alice.

The big surprise, for me, is Mickey Mouse represented my system's master controller. Huge perp...usually very scary entity. I am guessing my protector used his ingenuity to have me process Mickey Mouse instead of an internal s*tan. Genius. I'm so grateful.  So Tinkerbelle reported to Mickey Mouse. I just became aware of Mickey Mouse's role two days ago.

I believe this was the very first structure within me, the base of my system matrix. Until the matrix collapsed, Alice and Tinkerbelle could not have healed. Alice began so early in my life and I'm still impacted by her cues to dissociate now that she's healed. However, at least I am now more aware of my environment than ever before.

Once Alice was completely healed, it opened the door for my original authentic self to emerge. Alice goes with so many keys but she, herself, is a key to healing.

This part of healing (Alice) began December 2009 and I am now working with my healed core self (who is an adult). I functioned at a very high level for several years after dismantling the matrix. I thought I was all healed. Am not sure where I am is the last that needs to happen for full healing, but am sure it's a great sign the core has emerged.

Mar 22, 2010

National Geographic Validates Abuse

Yesterday I watched CIA Secrets on National Geographic. It confirmed all the LSD and mind control experiments to include students at 80 universities who received funds under MK Ultra. Information was from declassified documents and interviews.

The show ends with CIA giving up on ever creating someone who would forget a murder (the key element being "forget") after following orders to shoot. They ruled out hypnosis, LSD, and overloads of ECT as effective for adult subjects and gave up that program.

The untold story is that they began raising dissociated children in the late 40s and early 50s which guaranteed the necessary component of forgetfulness after committing a crime. Having orders obeyed was not an issue after harming a child sufficiently to cause dissociation. Even though we survivors are remembering now, it's so far from the time of abuse and our stories deemed unbelievable by propaganda and a shadow government.

The special explained they believe Sirhan Sirhan, who assassinated Robert Kennedy in 1968 was the first known Manchurian Candidate. To this day, he does not know what he did.

Additionally, mind control experimentation in the concentration camps was explored. Prisoners were exposed to levels of ECT and drugs that would have helped determine what could be done to a child in a dissociative state without interfering with the host alter's perception of life.

The validation was nice but I just want to scream about that big gap regarding dissociated children.

Mar 8, 2010

Who's Driving the Car?

Several years ago when BB (my SO) used to live in another town, there was a bridge I had to cross (just an short overpass). I became aware slowly that I seemed to blank out between the turn just before the bridge until up to a mile later. Fastforward.

My physical therapist is the first left after a blue overpass. I drive under it. I keep missing the turn under the bridge. So I became diligent about keeping the blue bridge in my sights so I would not miss the turn but I would focus on the blue bridge and the next thing I know I'm beyond my turn.

I don't know if it's all bridges or these bridges are near "secret" areas. One was near a known place of abuse for another survivor. The blue bridge is connected to a military base.

I'm sharing in hopes it helps me break that dissociation and also maybe help some to become more aware of triggers on the road.

It's scary to me for those unhealed. I know I have a safe driver for when I blank out. I think how easy it was in the past for another driver to take over and leave me not remembering anything except going to my planned destination.

Ask inside if there can be a designated safe driver who can keep others out of the driver's seat. Please be safe.

Feb 26, 2010

Door Jams (typo intended)

Since my ongoing never ending fusion process began, I have had more awareness. I've noticed several odd things since my internal Alice healed from her intentional fragmentation. Hers was the confusing backwards world. If my significant other BB weren't a witness or someone to say some of the oddness out loud, I may never have figured some of this out.

I spend my day primarily in the living room and occasionally wander into the kitchen (the entirety of my first floor). It became extremely obvious that whenever I went into the kitchen I'd forget why I went there. I even graduated to noticing that I either opened the refrigerator or pantry staring trying to figure out what I wanted. However, I'd never open the door to the actual item when I did recall. I began to call the doorless doorway the Portal of Memory Loss. I really hadn't connected memory loss to doors.

The day I did this collage, it was out of frustration at always opening the wrong door with little chance of recall until I returned to the living room to see what I needed. I also emailed the collage to my therapist. In my mind was flashing a very early collage (1997-1998) of a hat turned upside down with many different colored doors lining the "wall" of the inside of the hat. Alice was standing in the center.

The part of me in the center of the collage above was conscious me who was clueless about my dissociated life. While at the therapist, I explained the dilemma. Then in a voice of frustration and anger I pointed to her copy of the collage yelling, "And look how she's jammed between the doors!" ding ding ding. Doors have jambs. Double language. Going through a doorway somehow triggered a memory "jamming" sequence.

Since that realization, I have been remembering but with slow recollection. Still I catch myself staring in the wrong cabinet or door in the kitchen but can correct myself. I also could not remember more than one item at a time. Now it seems I have someone inside helping me remember because I've caught myself as I'm leaving the room suddenly recalling what else I had wanted.

Am guessing my outside world reflected what had been my internal world. Once an alter was out, s/he would automatically forget anything that had happened as soon as s/he returned to her room (with a door?) inside? It's difficult to find the right words to describe what might have been. Wanted to share this combination of double language and memory loss. Even at 57, I'm able to undo at least some of it.

Will also share that sometimes I go through the kitchen/living room portal waving my hands to deactivate the brain interference. ;-O

Feb 8, 2010

The Subconscious Surprise

Lately have been wanting to write more about some sets. So this is a good place to elaborate and get back to the blog slowly. Here is the Polyvore set:

I have a habit of going back through the past week or so of sets each day cuz I tend to see new things occasionally. In the set above, done two days ago, consciously I placed Alexis Bledel as the one with the veil completely lifted. This is what I see today:

Alexis has her back to the shrouds of secrecy being lifted. She also has her hand covering her sight on one side. Her shadow shows up as a solid barrier from seeing anything to her left side. That would be conscious me. All the secrets and unknown are in the subconscious with shrouds lifted in time. Conscious me knows nothing of what is really going on in the background (even in my sets).

I'm always complaining how I have no peripheral vision yet vision tests show I'm within normal range. My BB who shares my home with me often brings me espresso or other treats and places them next to me on the coffee table. I've rarely seen him...or heard him for that matter when he does so. My conscious world is still very impacted by my programmed world.

My Wii Fit is asks me if I have trouble seeing things to the I tend to focus on the center of the screen? Perhaps I was trained to do that. In any event, this set was much more telling than I first realized. I love how that happens in my art.