For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Jul 17, 2012

Heart Journey

On July 15, 2012, I posted to my Art Journey blog a series of Polyvore sets created after the healing event described in my last post on this blog. Gracie, the one who originally identified with the teddy bear but emerged as the young woman, has provided me with answers about her connection to the hearts and love and pink stairs. As with any part of my healing, it’s a puzzle that comes together.

Somewhere early in this blog I speak of guided imagery CDs and downloads by Belleruth Naparstek. I own many but tend to favor a few. Before I knew of the alternative media, my therapist read the very powerful Healing Trauma imagery to me while I was comfortably lying on her sofa. The imagery has one imagine going into the heart. I was in tears the first time and felt strong emotion the first few times I listened to it myself. Slowly I seemed to have less emotional response and very few changes happened over the years I’ve listened to it. When entering the heart, we see our piles of blame and shame and shards and heaps of our shattered lives along with sudden geysers of terror. But it leads to a golden light which is the tunnel to center of the heart. The center of the heart is a beautiful room where our true self resides. The imagery then leads us out of the room and back up through the darker crumpled area. After staring at the Polyvore sets with the hearts, I felt I needed to listen to my Healing Trauma again since it had been awhile.

Yesterday afternoon, after a long tiring day, I layed down turning on my Healing Trauma imagery. Before I continue, a brief reminder that Gracie had moved from my eye to my ear and then suddenly integrated with me during which I had a wonderful feeling that has not left my being. In the beginning of the imagery, there is a “presence at my side” who is usually one of my male protectors. Yesterday it was my female protector. She took my hand and led me into the heart. Everything had changed. It was all beautiful and golden. What used to be the ugly part of my life now looked like an art museum. The various facets of my shattered past were commemorated in gold framed museum art work. Velvet ropes were in place to stand back from the art. A “geyser of terror” still existed but was far in the distance and surrounded by the ropes. The words of the imagery really no longer went with my internal landscape for the dark entry way toward the tunnel.
Walking through the gold lighted tunnel before getting to the center of the heart, Gracie was lying on the ground and seemed to be all dusty. My protector and I both helped her up and dusted her off. It’s that moment I realized she was literally thrown into my heart. Perhaps she had to join with me before she could leave the heart. She and I hugged, after which she stepped into me while we were facing each other. I felt her turn around to face the same direction as me and she fit into me perfectly. My protector continued to lead us into the core of my heart in the beautiful golden room. When we left to ascend the tunnel to the upper level, it was the beautiful pink stairs of my Polyvore sets.

Clues leading back to hand made collages have been popping into my head showing me that this part of me was going to heal but I wasn’t ready to know the full meaning until now. Gracie goes with dreams I’ve had. Years of clues about her and being hidden in my eye have been recorded in art. Had it not been for the cataracts, who knows if she ever would have moved out of her safe haven. Remarkable. Healing is remarkable.

Jul 12, 2012

Something In My Eye

May and June brought some scary moments as well as deep healing. Mostly it's been quiet inside throughout end of 2011 sinus surgery followed by six weeks of IV antibiotics. Unfortunately the antibiotics which included sulfa drugs may have caused the rapid onset of cataracts. I'd had great vision with my glasses for years with only minor correction except for astigmatism. I was scheduled for cataract surgery for right eye in May and left eye in June. The first surgery went so smoothly. Easiest surgery ever in case anyone is wondering.

Between the surgeries I began to have anxiety and some dangerous things almost happen with my left eye blocking my sight for cars. I realized someone was causing that to happen. My last car accident a couple years ago I only remember being at the stop sign. Next memory is my face in an air bag. Someone had hit me mid-intersection flying from the left. Always wondered if that hadn't been a part of me. I began processing on Polyvore. Over and over I was being shown me at age 3 and images of a teddybear. It took many sets before I realized the teddybear was how the 3-year-old saw herself. Trapped, unable to move. She was being held by an adult male part of me who I initially knew as an internal perp.

Without going through a lot of "clue talk", the story that emerged was the broken 3-year-old had been cared for by the now safe adult male and was keeping her hidden in the corner of my left eye. I know it sounds weird. Obviously something was creating danger but may have been a cry for help I hadn't heard in the last accident. The upcoming cataract surgery on my left eye was causing "fear of destruction". With internal work I was able to safely have her moved from my eye and felt the movement into my ear and then a beautiful healing moment.

The adult male was part of Spencer, my inner wisdom, and the 3-year-old was released to be with my female protector, "Emmie". It felt like spirit. Wonderful feeling.

When I first began processing with images, I feared feeling all the hurt and pain the 3-year-old had borne. When I felt nothing but genuine happiness, I knew the adult with her had been helping her heal and preparing her for that moment. The feeling of happiness and even joy has remained with me. It feels like a permanent change in emotional strength. Several times I've received bad news and other things have happened that, in the past, would have knocked down into the depression pit. I have sufficient emotional strength to feel sad about those things but move on in spite of it.

Recently, I joined several girlfriends for a girl's night first truly social event with my friends since 2007. Everyone commented on how happy I seemed and I genuinely felt joy the entire evening. This is not to say I am completely healed, although I wish I were. Yesterday I hit a curb while driving causing my tire to explode and stranding me in a not so safe area. I was able to call AAA and my fiance who, bless his heart, jumped in his car to come to my aid. I was terrified being alone waiting for anyone to arrive. Coping skills, coping skills.

Still have some work to do but am very pleased to be at a new positive emotional place in my life. I do hope it lasts. Being or having this level of happiness feels like what all the pain of healing was meant to do.

P.S. The 3-year-old seems to have transformed into a young adult since my healing sets of late seem to show this part of me feeling the freedom.