For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Jun 21, 2011

Histamine Programming

I knew I had histamine programming from the alters who had it though really didn't understand how I was made to be that way. What happened was, at age 16, I had my first full blown allergy attack. My face swelled into a monstrous shape. I tested positive to everything except food allergies and had been on shots into my 30s. I also had chronic sinus infections. It took me years to realize the shots caused the sinus infections and had kept myself in a nonstop cycle for ages.

Possibly I wrote of this before. Several alters would constantly sneeze when trying to speak the truth. I understand that, throughout my life, I was thrown into an allergy attack if my mind got too close to anything of subconscious importance. I found a natural remedy to correct the imbalance of histamine my body was trained to produce. Pycnogenol pine bark (as opposed to grape seed extract) reduced the histamine produced by the body. It limits the manufacture rather than taking additional drugs (antihistamines) to squelch the invaders.

My previous post speaks of the rash I experienced over the weekend which I realized was a body memory based on doctors being totally baffled by it. I recalled though that it began in the very tips of my fingers this past Friday night. If I had been given injections of histamine to cause the itching, it was beneath the nail beds and between the toes.

I couldn't find the original article I had located on the internet of using hypnosis to convince people they were allergic to roses (even when shown an artificial rose). Thought something like that had happened to me. But the injections of histamine in huge quantities to create that reaction in me would have eventually caused my body to adapt to the larger amount.  Hence, testing positive to anything that was an irritant to the skin.

When, in early healing, I made a connection of trauma to breathing, my allergies died down on their own and between that winter of my realization and spring, I vowed I would no longer have hayfever beginning that year. And I haven't. When I found the Pycnogenol (I use the GNC brand), I started with 3 a day for a month and weaned to one a day where I've stayed since at least 2000. But earlier this year, I thought I was probably fine without it and, because it is expensive, thought I'd go off it. That was about three months ago. Am guessing the histamine level has grown and may be the reason the memory was even able to emerge in my body. I'll be back on it early July when GNC goes on sale.

Horrid programming but it was easy to stop and keep it stopped. Mind and body connection are amazing. Am still reeling at how few doctors are aware of somatic memories. They could do so much more to help their patients if they had just some foundation of it in their education. Maybe one day in a better future.

Jun 20, 2011

30 days 30 diagnoses

This post deals with issues regarding medication for those with DID as well as how difficult it sometimes becomes to diagnose an illness versus somatic (body) symptoms from an earlier trauma. A key element out of our life is the vast number of doctors who never heard of dissociation in their training.
Shortly after leaving the trauma center in mid-April, I asked to be placed on Abilify to see if it would help my then constant depression and suicidal thoughts. The Pristiq antidepressant had not fully kicked in yet. I do know the Pristiq has fully kicked in now but I began having issues Friday night related to a small rash on my stomach although the main issue was my “9 on a scale of 10” headache. When I awoke on Saturday morning my entire left knee had welts/hives on it as well as other areas of my body. I searched Abilify and rash/hives and found an immediate connection. I called the psychiatrist’s office and spoke to a colleague who supported my stopping my whole 2 mgs of it because of the rash and since I was no longer experiencing suicidal ideation. I also phoned Hershey Medical Center’s nurse triage center to explain what had happened as I had been in the Emergency Room the previous evening. The diagnosis had been a sinus infection on top of the concussion and I had been treated for that. The two minor symptoms that went with the rash were dismissed. I see how they would have done that at the time. I don’t blame them for missing it.

I was sent to an urgent care center in Hershey and seen by a female doctor. She supported going off the Abilify and I assured her I had not taken any that morning. She also prescribed Prednisone and urged me to maintain my Benadryl regimen.
Sunday I woke up amazingly without a headache. The Abilify must have been giving me headaches with the concussion so when the concussion stopped I assumed it was still the concussion. It never occurred to me the Abilify would be causing the headaches. At any rate, I felt great earlier today. I was active, smiling, moving more. But my rash was spreading everywhere and getting uglier by the minute. I believed my throat was tightening making it harder to breathe and no one was home. That is a sign of possible anaphylaxis and I had to call an ambulance because I couldn’t drive from being loopy on Benadryl.

A block away from the house the medic said my lungs were clear so I wasn’t going to have breathing problems. I said she could take me home then because that was all I worried about. She wouldn’t make the ambulance turn around. After seeing me for a few minutes, the doctor determined he didn’t believe it was from the Abilify but didn’t say what either. I was left alone and confused and just wanting to go back home. Eventually a second doctor came in to look at how bad my back was and asked some questions. I asked him what they thought it could be if not the Abilify. They didn’t know. I told him I only thought I might need oxygen and hadn’t questioned the reason for the rash and really didn’t care at that point.

When that doctor left, my mind wandered to body memories. The welts did remind me of insect bites. I had already processed memories involving fire ants, army ants, black widow spiders, and harmless Milk Snakes that resemble the very poisonous Coral snake. My brain quickly scanned my collages and was showing me the bees. I asked the doctor if he’d ever seen anyone bitten by a swarm of bees. He answered he had. I asked that IF I had been bitten, might my back look the way it does. Instead of answering yes or no and keeping it easy, he asked if I had been stung in the past three days. I said know but I believed it was a childhood memory. His answer was, “If you had been stung by a swarm of bees, you would have remembered.” I just sighed at the lack education given to doctors about dissociation and treating trauma survivors.

He finally answered he couldn’t say if that’s what it was or not. He discharged me and sent me home. Bee stings on my home computer looked far too severe for what was going on with me but I looked closely at my toes which seemed to be on fire they were burning/itching so badly. In between every toe was a line similar to a needle track. Now I could see this was something intentionally injected into me. Most of my memories have a trauma aspect and an educational aspect. I understand the trauma aspect. I was likely drugged with Ketamine so could feel and see but not move. An itching agent was injected between my toes (no visible scars to the world). Histamine is a good choice and I do know histamine programming was used on me. It may even have been how they kept alters in the body at one time for “group programming”. Pain made alters leave the body, but itching created a need to stay and scratch. Actually it was interesting reading if not for my toes.

I also looked at images of poison ivy, oak and sumac. My rash looks similar to poison oak in several images. Am sure that was a horrendous experience. Probably used to create my beehive system somehow. No one could get to hive because of the Poison Oak?

My back is just one solid “splash” of rash and hurts more than itches. This is where it sure would be nice for physicians to know their stuff about trauma survivors because many of us have such complex medical issues to begin with. Trying to figure out body memory versus physical manifestation is an uphill battle. Being informed ourselves before seeing a doctor is our best weapon.
I came home knowing the Abilify had been unknowingly causing my headaches, so that was good. I have a very limited diet and I only had added one thing in the past week: Jello Decadent Chocolate Mousse Pudding Cups. I was surprised they were sugar free which I normally don’t eat. I read the label and wrote down the names of the two sugar alternatives. Both were cited numerous times as dangerous to our health. So no more mousse for me. I’ll go back to my delicious and safer Skinny Cow ice cream.

I have my second dose of Prednisone in me now which is keeping me awake all hours which is why I’m writing at 3:28 a.m. Plus my feet and hands just won’t stop with burning in spite of the Benadryl. The rest of the body rash seems to have stopped spreading and has faded a bit.

Some would scream that Abilify was too dangerous to give me but I also took control in that situation. I asked for the lowest dose possible and cut it in half. My suicidal thoughts stopped right away and all I’ve had is a mostly bearable headache while my Pristiq finally kicked in about four weeks after my discharge from the trauma center. Hopefully that boost means I won’t need a substitute for the Abilify. So it did serve an important purpose in my life….to have a life while I was still depressed. As badly as this rash has gotten and how much frustration I growl or scream out, my mind is not going to the suicidal place. I think that’s pretty amazing.

I do see my ears, nose and throat doctor this week, my therapist this week, and my psychiatrist next week. All is under control again except the toes and palms of my hands. They don’t seem to keep me awake as much as my feet though.

Quality of life. Decision we all have to make. This medication as a trade off for not having this emotional ailment. It can be agonizing but information will always be key. My ordeal began Friday night. Sometimes a therapist will intervene and help educate the doctor on the patient’s trauma needs. I didn’t have that this weekend although she did call me to provide encouragement and some suggestions when I texted her on Saturday. She’s great.

I’ll continue to work with her on the memory of the histamine or poison oak or whatever was being done to me. I still think the Delgado perp part is making my life a living hell since my father died. More on that in another post. Be brave. Be your own advocate. Also know when to “hold em” and know when to “fold em”. If my doctor didn’t know about body memories, he certainly didn’t know about DID so I was just quiet on that point. I may be vocal in my blog. But I still have to play the game with certain people in my life, even if it’s just for an emergency room visit. In my area, if someone says they have DID, nothing from that point on is taken seriously. I am an adult survivor of long term child abuse. Period. ‘Nuff said.

Jun 12, 2011

Help to Resolve Memories of Drowning

 (This post appeared on Facebook under my page The Truth Behind Dissociation & Child Abuse. I think it warrants being posted for a wider audience.)

I had a memory early on of suffocating then being lifted up by feet and coughing up the water. Then I saw The Abyss where the diver's helmet fills with a liquid that is breathable. Replaces oxygen tanks. This liquid, now called Perflubron, is being used for a variety of purposes to include premature babies to recreate their womblike environment until they heal sufficiently. Movie history claims the breathable liquid was fictional but that was not true. I found research from the 60s that it was being used experimentally on lab animals.

Additionally, the rule for the government/scientific underworld is they are always ahead of public knowledge by about 20 years. My memory of the Perflubron is in the 60s. The movie was released in 1989 but is now a viable treatment for humans.

I am nearly finished with Dan Brown's book The Lost Symbol. He researched much about the Masons to write his book. Much of what he writes I have known. What is not connected in the book is that many survivors of ritual abuse as well as government mind control have memories of Masonic and/or satanic ceremonies. That aside, one scene in the book describes the book's hero, Robert Langdon, being placed in an isolation tank (i.e., Altered States) but with the ability to flood the tank with Perflubron. Someone not knowing about the breathable substance of course believes they are about to drown and is terrified for their life.

Stated in the book is that government torturers in our country use Perflubron for "waterboarding". The victim believes s/he will suffocate and drown but the torturer knows the person will survive since the fluid simply needs to be expelled from the lungs.

Am sharing this knowing how many survivors of the intentional dissociation abuse have memories of drowning. Perhaps this new perspective will help process that terror. I always wondered why I didn't die with all that was done to me. I figured they had to have a way of knowing I wouldn't die...exactly how far they could go. This insight explains a lot to me. And many of my Polyvore sets show girls or women under water.