For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Sep 23, 2012

Synchronicity & Finding Rose

A week ago I returned from France which was both a wonderful vacation and amazing journey of synchronicity. This is my attempt to explain how I was led to the part of me known as Rose living at 44°N in Avignon. I'll begin by stating I had a quandary of which stuffed animal would travel with me since I always take a comfort item for littles (young alters) within me. I had wanted to take my larger plush bunny but ended up taking a small pink bunny which had been being held by my doll named Raven. Raven represents my entire subconscious programmed world. The part of me who was so tortured to create that world within me was Ellie. Ellie split off and sent the goodness of her being off into the universe, sacrificing herself and saving her spirit and positive emotions. I found in my review of older Polyvore sets (see previous post) that Rose went with a pink bunny. I didn't realize the irony of my choosing the pink bunny to take with me until later. At the time, size was the factor.

The day we arrived in Paris, our first destination, the left side of my face had it's own features. I had "company" with me, unknown at the time. I could see the difference in the first photo taken of me. It wasn't a frightened part. And I had no knowledge or hint at age or name. I knew the first step of my Rose journey was going to be The Church of the Sacred Heart at the peak of Montmartre in Paris. I scoured the grounds for signs of a Mother Mary statue to no avail. It was nonetheless beautiful and the tiered town was so quaint and lovely.

On Day 3 we were off to our long-term destination of Avignon (a/k/a 44°N). Our first day in Avignon, we went to the location of the gold statue of Mother Mary which stood atop a building next to the ancient papal palace.

In online photos before the trip to France, it seemed that her arms were spread apart in a welcoming gesture. But her left arm and hand are pointing forward and downward. I wandered about until I felt I was at the location where she was pointing. I turned to take a photo and it was a house with the number 17. Mostly I giggled because that is a number that goes with my inner wisdom. I kept waiting for something to zap me because I was so sure I would find Rose in the area of the statue. That was not to be the case. My second night in Avignon I had a vivid dream/image of me at age three screaming. My mouth was nearly a perfect circle and a pink mist was coming out. I assumed it represented the moment I split and released Rose into the ether.

On day 3 we took the bus to Aix (pronounced "Ex"), Aix-en-Provence. It was bus #17 and it cost each of us 17 euros for a ticket. Brian had found the city in his research and I was happy to go exploring. Upon arriving, we managed to get lost immediately walking about an hour before finally finding the very ritzy shopping area of town. The first shop we passed was to my right. A pink shop for baby wear and accessories. I saw a huge pink bunny with smaller identical bunnies out of the corner of my eye. I was compelled to go get a bunny. I walked in directly to the bunnies, found the one that was closest in size to my traveling pink bunny and brought it to the cashier. While she was ringing up my purchase, I read the tag on the bunny. Her name was Lilirose. I smiled. I had brought my pink bunny that day via backpack and immediately put the two together.

The first bench we came to, we sat down to relax. I asked Brian to take a photo of me with the two bunnies. He suggested I walk over to the statue in the center of the plaza that I had not even noticed. He called it a gymnast. As I walked up to her, I had such an eerie feeling. The trauma leading to Rose's demise in my system included tortured ballerinas. I clearly saw this statue as a tortured ballerina. I stood beneath it for the photo.

After the photo, I returned to the bench to get my camera. After shooting from both side angles, I walked around and saw her face. I gasped out loud. She looked like every early magazine picture I had of Ellie...bald, terrified, screaming. And her mouth looked just like the image from my dream.

The statue was part of an exhibit on loan to Aix-en-Provence. Chances are, if we had taken our trip any other year, I would not have found her. Our having been lost no longer seemed to be a coincidence. Had we gone the correct way to begin with, I would not have come upon the baby store and likely we would not have stopped by this statue. To add to the synchronicity, after coming home, I tried to find an image of the baby store online. While I didn't find an exterior photo, I did find their phone number which validated the synchronicity. I'd been taking photos of lots of numbers that day, especially house number 22 and phone numbers with lots of 4s and 2s on signs. The phone number for the store was: I see the 09 as symbolic for September.

That night, back in Avignon, I woke up with a nightmare. I don't remember the details but I do recall my tummy gurgling a lot. That used to be the way one of my parts communicated with me. I had heard the gurgling rather loudly before going to sleep but thought I was hungry and just ate a snack. I knew after the nightmare Rose was with me. Ellie had come to me through a nightmare as well. I was so happy to feel the gurgling although I felt no other emotional connection or communication from Rose.

The following day I was feeling blocked from internal communication and decided to listen to one of the healing guided imageries I often listen to for relaxation and falling asleep. During that time, I was able to see Rose and adult Ellie run into each others arms in joyful reunion. Almost immediately though, Ellie turned into a baby. Rose picked her up. My internal motherly caretaker appeared to offer assistance, but Rose said she'd like to take care of baby Ellie and would ask for help if needed. Later in the imagery, I had an odd internal view of what looked like a tall person in a pink rabbit suit guide me into my heart (the main focus of the particular guided imagery). I followed the "rabbit" but something insect or fairylike came between us. The fairy blossomed into a gorgeous crystal-like winged fairy that seemed to be also like a butterfly. I had thought that was Rose going into my heart but never felt a connection or any particular emotion.

The next day I kept wondering if Rose planned on leaving 44N. It was so beautiful. Why would anyone want to leave that and enter my still somewhat traumatized mind and body. Thoughts of her having taken baby Ellie with her nagged at me. Answers gradually followed for the remainder of the trip. Rose's only purpose for entering my body was to rescue Ellie. Programming I had found forbidding the two to ever integrate in the body again had been found in Polyvore sets. For Rose and Ellie to heal together, it had to be outside the body. While slightly disappointed after my anticipation of finding Rose, I was happy as long as they were both safe and happy. Apparently the "tall pink rabbit" was an alter smuggling Ellie out and the fairy-like creature blocked the view of Rose once again escaping through my breath, but this time with baby Ellie. I felt and still feel a bit empty. Ellie is the part of me who so wanted to die. And since she released all other emotions to Rose, no wonder she never was able to rise above that tortured place. Perhaps I had just grown accustomed to holding that heaviness and now it felt only empty.

More synchronicities existed but this is sufficient to relay the outcome. I returned from France without Rose or Ellie. The other part of this complex ruse was that Gracie, who integrated in June, did share Rose's spirit and was an identical twin to Ellie. When Gracie entered the body, Ellie immediately went into hiding to await her rescue. The parts of me who might still have tried to sabotage my life or prevent Ellie's rescue had been fooled. And I certainly had been surprised, I guess by necessity.

The healing is that Ellie is completely free of my body, which had always been her wish. She was replaced by a healed "body double" so no one inside could tell the difference and no programming was set off. Her regression to an infant allowed Rose to raise her with love and safety which would provide her with the loving happy childhood she never had. Or however that plays out in the astral plane.

Rose with baby Ellie somewhere 44N.

P.S. During my first therapy appointment after coming home, a young alter named Mary spoke most of the session. I was co-conscious. Mary is my little Catholic girl and she had been the one out with me since Paris. She was there for the quest for Mother Mary.

Sep 1, 2012

44° North - Explaining the Unexplicable

Apparently I've never written of this part of my healing. At least searching my blog yields no results for key words. Early in healing I had a protector who went with 44N. I had no idea what it meant at the time except that it was a brand of clothing. In 2005, my now husband and I took a trip to Italy. One of the locations I happened to find online: a gorgeous view from a bed & breakfast atop a hill in Cinque Terre. We did our own itinerary. We were able to get reservations at THE B&B whose website I'd found. The trip was booked. Before the vacation, I began to get internal messages as I always do. But I was getting 44N so loudly. Eventually I started looking up the cities we were to stay in to see what longitude and latitude they were. Milan was too far north and Tuscany too far south. Cinque Terre was 44.1° N. At first I was frightened I was going to relive some trauma when I visited. My inner wisdom assured me I'd be fine and see the answers in my photos when I returned.

Indeed, I did see things in my photos and also began to feel healing. It was Gracie who surfaced and who recently integrated into my heart in early June this year. This is the photo that most impacted me.

I hadn't noticed at the time I took the photo that the branches of the vine or olive tree formed the shape of a heart.

I'd had a previous experience with 44°N and this new experience solidified that it meant great healing. Soon my husband and I are off to Paris and Avignon for vacation. Brian had chosen Avignon which sounded perfect to me. My last post in this blog had me processing trauma constantly connected to Iran when I again got hit repeatedly with the 44N message. I immediately checked Paris which was too high. Avignon, however, is 44.0° N. I nearly fainted. Brian said it was impossible because he thought it was so much further south than Italy. Not the case.

My internal processing shifted from Iran (my early teen years) to a huge trauma that shattered my three-year-old being in Germany in 1955. I got the memory in a very detailed manner as well as how part of me split off during the trauma and escaped to 44N in France. New pictures of her showed her healed and an adult. This brings the term "parallel universe" into play. How did that happen? Is it just a story given to me that is coincidental to my travels? How did I manage to go to 44°N twice without conscious realization? And why couldn't they return to me instead of my going to them?

When this message surfaced I was driven (obsessed) to make sure I had saved all of my Polyvore sets...a project that had been more done than not. I dove in and saved every relevant set since the beginning. I also found two DVDs with Polyvore sets from four years ago, the beginning of Polyvore for me and the end of handmade collages. Within those long forgotten sets I could see that most of my programmed system began with that trauma in 1955. Rose represented something programmers wanted eliminated from my being. Her destruction was targeted and resulted in half of her remaining in the trauma as what they wanted her to be and her other half escaped as Rose. I also found a frightening set that clearly showed programming for me to self-destruct should Gracie and Rose ever reunite within me.

I then understood why there were two separate 44N locations. It was dangerous for them to have escaped together. The programming was undone early in 2011 when I had such a difficult time and had overdosed because of a perp part hidden inside despite several previous integrations. It hadn't been safe for Rose to return until that perp and his associated alters were healed. Since then Gracie integrated. It is now safe.

Sets of Rose show her closely connected to Mother Mary. In Avignon is a beautiful gold statue of Mother Mary where logic tells me I might encounter this part of me; but logic has never really worked in the past. I had no idea going to Italy what 44°N meant but, now that I do, I am so excited as are several inside who had been strongly connected to Rose before she left. Most thought she had died but some showed me in my art that they knew of the secret of her hiding and healing.

Call it what you want. The story comes from within but this is only my second European vacation and the only two I've had with Brian. So many questions to be asked of the universe. A sort of invisible miracle? Regardless, healing is healing. I'll take it however it comes to me.

This set was done in February 2009 and named Rose - Safe in a Parallel Universe. She goes with the nautilus, pink roses, and hearts. The following set shows she has emerged from the shell and is awaiting "rescue".

I'm looking forward to writing of the reunion when I return...if it happens while I'm there. It did take Gracie several months to make her internal presence known and seven years to integrate.