For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Feb 26, 2009

"Callback" Programming

I began this collage by throwing all the images with alters in yellow on the page. It wasn't until I began arranging them that I saw it was both a flood program and a "go back 'home'" program. Both these topics may be very triggering to healing survivors. Please use caution in reading ahead. I do want therapists new to this concept and newly healing survivors of child exploitation to understand how this is supposed to work. You can successfully fight it. If you are aware of it, you can fight harder.

The program could be triggered by a date and time without external contact by a perp. During my healing, I fought many flooding and even more "return home" programs. Sometimes I had someone make sure I didn't leave the house until I felt the programming was no longer pulling me to do something against my will. When the program surfaces, there is a strong message to go visit someone from the past or just take a trip overnight. Once you get in the car or have made arrangements to be away from your safe home, the program is that a group of alters will take over consciousness taking you to the doorstep of whomever you were told to see when programmed.

I can see in my collage it was a family member. Her name came up often with this type of programming. Tinkerbelle goes with Peter Pan. Oddly (and unexplicable to me), I was to see "Wendy" which was the code name for this relative. My therapist's name is also Wendy. How this happened, I have no idea. So some of my really strong programming had me calling my therapist at two in the morning in a child state. Or I'd go to Wendy's the hamburger place. lol. Humorous system I had... The urge to leave home is overpowering. Knowing if you have trigger dates and/or times is helpful.

Do you often wake up at the same time? My time used to be 3:33 for years. Triple digits seem to be big with dates and times. Noticing the urge to leave would be the critical conscious part. If you are able to be aware that you have an irrational urge to go visiting or take a solo trip, call your therapist or a support person to make sure you do not act on your impulses. Fortunately a little can't drive. Usually it is a little who comes out and triggers the appropriate driving adult.

The flood part of programming is that it feels overwhelming. You can see on the collage there are a troupe of ballerinas as opposed to one ballerina for this to happen. Also many adult alters come out. Near the top right is conscious me "tied down". I'm also shown as dissociated at bottom center. Piano music is shown again which may go with the original programming or an internal alter might sing the song. Actually, I see it's a fairy sitting on the piano key! Okay, so Tinkerbelle sings. FWIW, my Tinkerbelle, once she joined the healing team, was a huge helper.

The ladybug poem was often heard in my head..."fly away home". I don't know if those were actual trigger words with some other signal (to include a date/time), but am sharing that knowledge in hopes of helping someone to not respond. I know this is scary and complicated for survivors. And the concept of "programming" or conditioning to cues as young children is so foreign to greater society. If what I write here stops one person from "going home", I would be so thrilled.

Please be gentle with yourselves in examining this collage.

Tinkerbelle warns of a flood
Tinkerbelle warns of a flood - by grace2244 on

Feb 21, 2009

My path of fusion

Warrior Woman
Warrior Woman - by grace2244 on

Since the fusion of Ellie and Jane in December, my internal world has been working toward stabilizing and helping me understand what happened. Earlier this week, a second fusion occurred during therapy. Ellie was forced to live her life believing she was male for more than four decades knowing she was not male. She had to create a male entity though when cued. Ellie was Raven. Female Raven and male Raven. New information is Ellie was female Raven and Michael was male Raven. When Ellie fused, Michael stayed behind. Ellie and Michael did not reunite. One of my collages brought up a very strong feeling of disconnection inside. In therapy, I learned of Michael feeling like he didn't belong because all the others had transformed back into females. Michael chose to remain male. Jane and Ellie were happy to have Michael join them as three counterparts. All three integrated into my female inner wisdom Emmie.

Since that happened on Tuesday, the collages on this flip system have been non-stop. All pieces of to my story are now accessible through the fusion of Jane, Ellie, and Michael (a/k/a Grace). Because Emmie is a part of conscious me, I am slowly becoming fused with the others. I hadn't expected that route. The male identity system alters are all freed and healed or healing. I feel lighter but understand internally I have to remain in the background to stay clear of flooding (flashbacks, nightmares, abreactions). My protectors have guided me well. I feel like a recluse having checked out of external life now for several months.

When the dust has settled on this fusion, my wish is that the rest of my life truly will be better. I want to be able to enjoy some life medically and emotionally healed operating on my own free will. Thanks to anyone taking this journey with me.

Unpeeling layers of programming

Poppy Revealed
Poppy Revealed - by grace2244 on

I just completed a rather sophisticated view of what was beneath the cyclone spin program--a visual of how it works. The collage above is related; I didn't want to post the operational collage because it is potentially triggering--spin inducing. One of the reasons I know I'm completely healed from this very large program that ran my life, is I have not been dizzy while doing all the collages. During healing, I would sometimes be non-stop dizzy for several days if I got close to it. Undoing it took several attempts over the course of several years.

In sharing what I'm learning through the cooperation of all my healed parts, perhaps therapists can see a kind of basic blueprint if survivors run into the opposite gender identity system. Mostly it is overwhelming spinning which means lots of time by abusers placing survivors in or on objects that would literally spin us around.

I've set up a collection under my Polyvore page called Dandelion Flip System. If you choose to view the photos, just know much spinning is represented. I want this information to help undo some of the horrendous backlash of getting near it. Maybe knowing these layers and double language can help shorten your unraveling and stopping of the program.

The collage above is by an alter named Poppy whose job related to dandy "lions" (Wizard of Oz). But she identifies with having Tin Man programming. The male system is represented by peacock feathers which are kind of self explanatory. Much double language was used. I certainly don't know if my double language was the same as everyone else's, but likely at least some survivors share great similarities because of abusers rarely doing something different.

If you click on the collage name, it will take you to the collage on the Polyvore website. Then click on grace2244 and scroll down to my Collections. If you click on my name, just click on the collections for this particular set of collages related to the same intense programming. Please take precautions before viewing the images if you are not completely healed.

It is my belief this was the main basis of my system(s)...the primary on/off switch for my conscious self. If we could all stop that one, we could get away many years sooner...I would think. Be gentle with yourselves, please.

Fusion and answers

Dandelions in Oz
Dandelions in Oz - by grace2244 on

This collage was also posted to the art blog. It shows me the huge spinning program that caused conscious me to shut down when I was in the hands of abusers. Recently I did several collages saturated in dandelions. I kept wanting to put poppies in the picture. Here is my first dandelion collage. It's a little girl making a dandelion snow storm. She is holding an Oz character in her hand...Dorothy or the good witch. Almost looks like Poppy rescued her from the nest. One of the last programs I undid in therapy was this one. Someone inside made it snow on the poppy field to wake me up inside.

Dandelion Storm
Dandelion Storm - by grace2244 on

Another collage done in the past few weeks shows the cyclone program but as a powerful wind. Lots of programming answers with the fusion. It's amazing how these came out of me in no particular order. Together, it shows the internal cooperation of each alter sharing his/her piece of programming information to help me understand the big picture.

Will write a separate entry on my fusion update. It's been very difficult to come forward (still) following the fusion. Apparently I remain under flood control status.

Feb 7, 2009

Day of the Dolphins

She speaks to dolphins
She speaks to dolphins - by grace2244 on

I believe in a post on this or another blog I mentioned how I absolutely believed the dolphins in the 80s movie Day of the Dolphins were really talking. My then husband assured me it was sound effects only. Fastforward to the late 90s when memories of being part of government research and programs begin to surface. A little alter spoke to me while I was bathing one night. Sounding very calm and rather happy, she announced she was a mermaid and could speak to dolphins. That was also my first year of the internet. Searching dolphins and speech, I came upon tons of information about John C. Lilly, M.D.

I invite you to google him. Not all of his book titles are clear on the collage. He invented the isolation tank in the early 50s which is in my memories as a sensory deprivation device. Lilly also was involved with experimentation with ketamine and hallucinogens. He had affiliations with the CIA and naval/government research. Much of his research focused on understanding the mind of the dolphin and interspecies communication.

I have no proof I was in direct contact with John Lilly. What my alter told me has credence though. You can hear the dolphins saying one syllable words on one of the websites. By the way, ketamine is an anesthesia that was used to allow the child/victim to remain awake during the trauma with no ability to move. Lilly died in 2001. He was active with the government experiments in the 50s and 60s when I was in early programming years.

What's sad is I would love to consciously know how to communicate with dolphins. I wish I could have a non-traumatic experience.

Feb 1, 2009

Twinning Revisited

Girl, Interrupted
Girl, Interrupted - by grace2244 on

This concept may be highly triggering to unhealed survivors. It is important for the world who cares to listen and hear. Twinning made it extremely difficult to undo my programming especially as it related to "Dragonfly" (my subconscious gender identity as male). I did a previous collage but this one breaks it down to a little more manageable and understandable. So, here goes.

Recently President Obama began the closing down of the "secret CIA bases". This is a start but there are locations outside of government jurisdiction carrying on with the level of technology needed to achieve the desired results. Some assumptions must be made to be open minded to what happens to exploited children of highly sophisticated child exploitation organizations.

A very sophisticated underworld of organized child exploitation exists.
  • Techniques have been used for generations to cause children to dissociate.
  • Repeated trauma at a young age by a primary care taker or someone with sufficient access to the child may cause the child's dissociative mechanism to take over.
  • The extreme of dissociation is DID.
  • DID is only possible to create typically in preschool children (unless a new technology has changed that).
  • The deliberate creation of multiple personalities in babies and young children is a primary objective of the organized child exploitation community.
Twinning is a highly traumatizing and bizarre concept. I believe there is/was a strong connection to Mengele because of his ability to experiment with total disregard for the welfare of twins in the concentration camps. The twinning programming depicted in the above collage pertains to a specific purpose. It is different from finding alters who are internal twins, which apparently happens a lot by design or not.

A few more assumptions:
  • Men born into the organized pedophile community tend to marry dissociative women. It is along the lines of carrying on the generational "business".
  • Women who are brought into the programming aspect have no memory of whatever happened. They may recall going to a baby check up but lose time from there.
Recipe for twinning:
Two pregnant mothers with close delivery dates are needed (planned), preferably already part of the programmed, conditioned, community that "harvests" babies for exploitation. In my case, my mother's sister-in-law were both pregnant and due a month apart. The photo I show in my collage of my male cousin and me was taken in Aberdeen. Neither of us looks like alert happy babies.

Prenatally, babies are able to listen to each others' heartbeats through stethoscopes and possibly more technological equipment today in much the same way twins learn how to hear and communicate with each other in the womb. Twins are born already having a bond. The same is true for babies bonded prenatally and allowed to continue bonding externally as playmates as well (although abuse is also shared simultaneously creating a trauma bond).

I don't know if Mikey was made dissociative like me. Likely he was. I recall him in places in early childhood where someone would have had to get him to my location. I seem to remember him at nursery school in Germany. The bonding continues until the horror is planned. Mikey's death memory was so traumatic and the programming so intricate and intense, I'll never know exactly what was done. The objective was for me to solidify his presence as an alter inside me with me believing somehow I was him--male.

Specific cues were given for the switch from male to female identity to take place since naturally I was female in my conscious world. In about five collages, I keep surprising myself by looking at the collage as a whole after completion, only to see I am flipping over backwards as a female ending up upside down as a male. At that point, the presenting alter would believe s/he was male in a male body without a penis, as opposed to a man living inside a female body. "I" was known as the "she shell". They lived in a she shell as a cover. This is all undone now which is why I have these answers.

I've explained how Mikey was in my life until age 11 when he "died". But he may have been in my adult life. I don't have that answer now. My cousin has no memory of abuse but has published writings which go into that very dark world all survivors know. I'm sure it is his subconscious speaking.

More kinds of twinning
To compound matters, twinning can be done with one young child and a prenatal child. That is what happened with my younger sister. Except we were not allowed to bond except pre-birth. I have conscious memory of being thrilled about "my baby". But within a month, I was made to believe she was destroyed at my hand. Very different dynamic. Still twinning.

To what end?
What is the advantage of having a girl who believes she is a boy in every respect except the conscious world? While I've stated this in another post and/oro blog, it is worth repeating. Part of it is the unbelievability factor. The other is the stark extremes of being made to believe something my being would reject vehemently. Ellie was shattered being forced to submit to the abusers' will that she was to accept herself as male. She was the she shell who produced the cockleshells (my own pun...I think). What did it do to me in my conscious world when I woke up and was treated and dressed as a girl? Because of my subconscious history of my system, Raven (Mikey who first appeared to me as female/transvestite), apparently was often part of high society in gowns and jewels believing he was using his she shell for undercover operations...whatever that means. The constant extremes in believe established in my system kept me highly dissociative.

I can see from my plethora of collages in the past month that my internal prison was awful having my system set up in this sophisticated manner. While believability is questionable, think how implants began being used for animals and now are being used on children "for their protection". The implants contain important information to locate a child if lost. But what else can it be designed to do? These are the kinds of questions society needs to look at very carefully.

I monitor news daily and find many who seem to want to take up the cause of stopping child exploitation but still are missing this very important piece--deliberate creation of multiple personalities. Is it a miracle that I survived to remember this much? I can't prove it so it can't be published in the psychological literature. We need to build our own very protective villages to keep a wary eye on this virtually invisible enemy. One fact that supports the ongoing efforts of this evil underground is the continuing increase in the child sex and slave trade. Which highly influential person will finally take on this issue and "run with it"?