For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Feb 6, 2011

Surviving Intense Body Memories

This is my second month of body memories related to a specific abuser and the pain he caused in my head and sinuses doing his “programming” (work related to the  government program of which we were entrenched). Prior to the holidays I developed a sinus infection and was on antibiotics for 20 days followed by Cipro for 10 days. Thank goodness I have an appointment next week. Am hoping the infection is gone and the remaining headache, which feels like the top of my brain is pressing into my skull, is “only” body memory.

On January 1, at least two major parts of me integrated which brought on the post-integration headache I’ve been tolerating. But then more memories surfaced of the abuser, renowned for his work with brain implants, along with memories of a world-famous brain surgeon who died in the mid 70s. The abuse memory is from age 10 and/or prior. It is known both had worked together. My memory is of a removable implant through the sinus cavity which rests next to the brain in the forehead and at the lower back of the neck. It must have been extremely painful getting them into place. It also answers the question why I don’t have some microchip imbedded in me somewhere.

The first abuser is still alive and just last week I learned he relocated from his homeland of Spain to San Diego. My fear level has risen exponentially. If he is in the United States, you can be sure he is under government contract and San Diego is right next to a huge naval base. The primary backer of his MK-Ultra time period research was the Office of Naval Intelligence and likely that has not changed. Which validates for me that mind control techniques are still being used. Today, the watch a person is wearing or the cell phone assigned might have the needed receiver to trigger specific areas of the brain. It certainly makes me wonder each time the news screams of an individual “suddenly” going into a rage and killing innocent bystanders.

My head is pounding simply writing. I’ve had several massages. At home I completely wrap my head up in heat, including my face. I hate taking drugs so have only taken Advil but it doesn’t help much.

This started before knowing about his move. Did some part of me know that? Maybe I needed to know. I’ve been very vocal about my abuse and naming names. Perhaps it’s narcissistic to think “they” would want to get me back to him for re-torturing or some other horrible demise; but that is what is on my mind…weighing very heavily on my mind and hoping coping skills and continued healing of surfacing parts or fragments will eventually alleviate this pain.
I hate, that at birth…the planning before my birth, came with a life sentence of remembering what was done to me so parts stuck deep inside could eventually heal. Often I wonder if it will ever end and if I can really continue to cope with the intensity of emotions. Some days it really is just too much. Am grateful for microwaves and heated spa wraps to keep me sane.

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