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Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Mar 15, 2011

48 Hours

Forty eight hours ago I was in the emergency room having taken an overdose of drugs. Guess I was fortunate BB figured something was up before I finished the bottle of Klonipin (90 tables). I had managed to take a handful (10-15) of Oxycodone and three handfuls of Klonopin before running out of water. I was upstairs and BB was downstairs. I had strategically asked him to make a chocolate martini…a rare request. I went down to the kitchen to fill my water thermos. Nothing unusual about that. Got back upstairs, started a bath, put the thermos by the tub and hid the rest of the Klonipin in the towel basket before BB came back up. I was even already relaxed in the tub.

I chugged the martini wanting the pills to kick in quickly. But *I* had carried over a small sharp pair of scissors to the tub as well. That’s what BB questioned. Not a normal item. A part of me I call “the tattletale” told him about the pills. BB called 911 and suggested I put clothes on before the ambulance arrived. They were there in less than five minutes and already I was too drowsy to barely move. Managed to pull on sweat pants and a t-shirt and flop on the bed. The rest was a daze. From the ER I was sent to an inpatient hospital ward. It was where I had served my therapist internship and the “d” word (dissociation) was forbidden. I slept through most of that first day although did speak to a caseworker, and doctor, and a psychiatrist. I did know I needed to be in a safe place. I was very emotional about waking up alive in the morning and it showed.

I know longer felt actively suicidal but had been really shaken about the night before. I did share that tearfully that I was so tired of struggling every day with my healing journey. Mostly the rest of the day I was fuzzyheaded but I kept thinking about something I said to the psychiatrist. In describing what had taken place, I told her “it happened so fast” (taking the pills)…”it was just so fast”. That was not “me” and as the day went on and my head cleared a bit more I was able to clearly see what had happened. I still don’t understand why I didn’t see the signs unless Sadie was preventing that too.

I wrote about Sadie before. She’s an alter I found early on. I knew she went with death. Because she surfaced since my father’s death and I’d been feeling overwhelmingly suicidal since her emergence, I tried working with her internally as well as doing several Polyvore sets. She looked so sad and desolate. I did one set of her alone where several comments said she seemed like she had something very important she had to say. But I did think she was healing.

My therapist was out of town but I wrote her several emails and sent her several Polyvore sets expressing how suicidal I was feeling. It was two weeks before my next appointment but I did ask her if she had something sooner. I even had thought of calling my psychiatrist but it was Sunday when it got so bad and I knew he wasn’t available.Oddly I received a call from the therapist that Sunday offering me an appointment the next day which I readily took.

The retrospective of the event is I had gone upstairs about 7 p.m. for my evening nap but couldn’t relax or sleep. My mind was circling with one though: I want to die. I called BB upstairs to tell him. Guess what I should have said was “I don’t feel safe. Please don’t leave me alone”. Instead I just told him the message in my head. So when I asked him to fix me a drink, that was Sadie’s break. The term I use is “sneaky dissociation”. It felt like me…my thoughts…my actions. But that isn’t how I behave. Sadie snuck into my consciousness without my feeling her although I got up from the unrestful nap feeling shaky and agitated.

The time I was awake at the psych ward, I was still feeling residual agitation. And then reflecting on my words to the psychiatrist that it happened so fast like it had to be done right then. Then came the thought of making the therapy appointment the next day. Sadie must have felt suddenly pressured to act on her impulses since she knew my therapist would focus on her and try to talk her out of her programmed missed to self destruct. After figuring that sequence of events out, I called Wendy. I had missed her Monday appointment but still had my appointment for next week. She asked me about safety if I went back home. I called Brian and asked him to find all my drug stashes and regular supplies of dangerous drugs and hide them and just hand me my daily cup of meds. Wendy had liked that idea.

This morning I woke up happy and giggling with my roommate whom I had befriended. The psychiatrist poked her head in the room while I was giggling. It was time for my progress meeting. I did feel free of Sadie and no thoughts of self harm whatsoever. That came out in the meeting. I was surprised to see about three other people who were social workers and reviewers. I had taken the chance of explaining to the psychiatrist that I had DID and the self harm came from an alter…that was the first day. I feared she chalked me up to permanently crazy knowing in 2003, when I interned there, the word dissociation was not allowed. I was really nervous about thie meeting I found myself in.

Surprisingly, to me, the psychiatrist seemed to understand about Sadie and had even remembered her name. She noted my mood today and asked if I were to be released today, what my safety plan would be. She liked all I told her. One of the social workers had said she would call my psychiatrist to move my appoint up a week if possible. Before that even happened, I was told I was being released today. Wow! Not what I expected going into the meeting. I was discharged about 5 pm and am now home writing this blog entry slightly longer than 48 hours since the overdose.

Lessons to be learned

While I had written several messages about feeling suicidal, I felt I was safe waiting for my therapy appointment. I took for granted that every suicidal alter in my system healed before her programming was carried out. I can never count on that again. The extreme struggling, the emails to my therapist, the desire to call my psychiatrist were all overlooked as warning signs. I didn’t know Sadie’s agenda.

I was extremely relieved that I could speak of my DID at the psych ward to the psychiatrist. She had some grasp of it but I knew she didn’t have the skills to work with Sadie. And I knew if a professional not very experienced in working with suicidal alters could be dangerous. I stated that first day how I believed it was essential I work with my own therapist of 10+ years. And I knew my psychiatrist was affiliated with the psych ward but unfortunately only on an outpatient basis. I may have buried myself by being open about the help I needed…to find and help Sade to heal. The first day the psychiatrist asked for my website which I provided: the link. I recalled later that would like to the mind control struff and she might just have me on lithium the rest of my life. That morning I was admitted, I asked about the 72 hour release. I asked several time and no one responded. Finally that first night I insisted that I be provided with the form. I was threatened that if I signed the form it likely meant a legal hearing and an extended stay. I signed it anyway.

The psychiatrist mentioned she was aware of the three day form even though it had only been 24 hours. But the rest of the meeting went so well. Something must have struck a chord with her. I like to think that she saw I knew what I need to heal myself.

Sorry this turned out to be so long. I am going to write a note on Facebook on a related matter and will come back and post the link here.  I really want survivors to know you can’t let your guard down. You must ask for help in healing. You must accept support for healing. And, most of all, my death wish was so strong but went away in less than two days after Sadie knew she could no longer overdose. Please keep choosing life. I’m glad I’m here to say that.


Sarah said...

My god Grace...this makes me so sad but I'm also so relieved that you are alive. My thoughts are with you and Sadie..<3

stepping-out-into-faith said...

I'm so glad you're alive and that you have BB in your life. I am so sorry. You are very brave. Thank you for posting this and for caring so much for others that you would be willing to share this painful ordeal. God bless and hang in there!

Grace said...

Wow, you two read fast. Thank you ever so much for your support. At first I was afraid of sharing but I was able to see how it might help another catch the signs early. Silly that I thought I was immune after healing so many. What I thought would be awful turned out to be a "learning opportunity.

Vague said...

am glad you are safe, and still here with us. <3

Anonymous said...

So glad you are still with us!
So get that feeling of "it happened so fast"!
Here we keep epicac at home for those times, it has saved us from many a trip to IP.

Here, arm around your shoulder.


Grace said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Grace said...

Ravin, Isn't it awful you have to keep epicac around? I hate throwing up and prayed I wouldn't when I was at the ER. In group, I told them that most people with DID always have suicidal's normal for us. It's acting on them that's the problem. Glad I had that little audience. Maybe they will spread the word. They really seemed more interested than fearful in any way.

Am feeling your arm around my shoulder and feeling the love come through.

Andromeda said...

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened, and so glad that you're still around!

I've been reading your blogs for a while, but this is the first time I've commented. I just want you to know that even though we're quiet, there are readers out here who have learned from and been inspired by you, and who are rooting for you to keep on surviving through the trials of healing.

Grace said...

Dear Andromeda, Thank you so much for your most welcome comment! Am working with an amazing trauma counselor and we are definitely working hard with this harm part. Intense and worth it. I won't be giving up!