For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Aug 5, 2012

Relapse or Reality?

As described in my last post, my mood was boosted to a new level with a stronger emotional foundation from mid-June to the last week of July. Part of my delight was my greater capacity to love and feeling so good every day just prior to my marriage on July 22.

Many multiples tend to have multiple marriages. I was led to previous marriages by subconscious needs or messages. This is my first marriage where my now husband and I had been together 11 years. I was still quite fragmented when we first met and in heavy duty therapy. He was with me when I integrated and went through grad school and became a full time therapist. He was also there when my body fell apart in 2007 holding my hand through each hospitalization and being there for every surgery. I left my previous marriage when my husband no longer believed my abuse and offered no more emotional support. I had no doubt that my new husband would be there for me no matter what.

It's also the first marriage where I knew going into it about my diagnosis. No more secrets to come leaking out about my past. No major ones at least.  It was devastating to have been married for 18 years thinking we'd be together forever, only to have my DID surface and destroy what we'd had.

My marriage on the 22nd was lovely and we are so happy. Less than a week later though, I began to experience a body memory with no internal messages or flashbacks. I was totally lethargic and felt sick for several days. I may have been going through several memories and just did what I always do now...self care. I hated to admit I had fallen back after feeling so well. However, I knew my life may still have its bad days but I was going to have so many more better days now. I could accept that. And so could my husband.

In the past, before the integration of the strong loving feelings, being stuck in a body memory would have me falling into depression as well. That didn't happen this time. I wasn't happy about it but I wasn't depressed. That's a huge difference.

Maybe some would call it a relapse but I believe it's just the rest of my life. Body memories may come and go and I may get an occasional new memory in the years ahead. Fortunately, I feel like I can handle whatever is left to process.

On another note, I have begun to review my book Paperclip Dolls which is no longer for sale. It followed my first year of healing. I've decided not to re-release it even in Kindle form. But I will share some of it in future posts where I think it may be helpful to other survivors.


Ann Marie said...

Congratulations on your marriage :) :)

It be nice if love would make the other problems go away, but it's a long journey with both ups and downs. Just think though how much snuggling is going to happen in the meantime! I can imagine even through your happiness the wedding represented some amount of stress. Maybe now your getting the after-affect? So happy the memory was w/o depression. Have to be happy sometimes for the smallest of things - but, this ... my dear is WONDERFUL!

Our best,

Grace said...

Anns, Thank you so very much for your insight and happiness :)

Ann Marie said...

Your Welcome! And, now on to the next post hehehe :) Like to hear you updating!