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Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Sep 23, 2012

Synchronicity & Finding Rose

A week ago I returned from France which was both a wonderful vacation and amazing journey of synchronicity. This is my attempt to explain how I was led to the part of me known as Rose living at 44°N in Avignon. I'll begin by stating I had a quandary of which stuffed animal would travel with me since I always take a comfort item for littles (young alters) within me. I had wanted to take my larger plush bunny but ended up taking a small pink bunny which had been being held by my doll named Raven. Raven represents my entire subconscious programmed world. The part of me who was so tortured to create that world within me was Ellie. Ellie split off and sent the goodness of her being off into the universe, sacrificing herself and saving her spirit and positive emotions. I found in my review of older Polyvore sets (see previous post) that Rose went with a pink bunny. I didn't realize the irony of my choosing the pink bunny to take with me until later. At the time, size was the factor.

The day we arrived in Paris, our first destination, the left side of my face had it's own features. I had "company" with me, unknown at the time. I could see the difference in the first photo taken of me. It wasn't a frightened part. And I had no knowledge or hint at age or name. I knew the first step of my Rose journey was going to be The Church of the Sacred Heart at the peak of Montmartre in Paris. I scoured the grounds for signs of a Mother Mary statue to no avail. It was nonetheless beautiful and the tiered town was so quaint and lovely.

On Day 3 we were off to our long-term destination of Avignon (a/k/a 44°N). Our first day in Avignon, we went to the location of the gold statue of Mother Mary which stood atop a building next to the ancient papal palace.

In online photos before the trip to France, it seemed that her arms were spread apart in a welcoming gesture. But her left arm and hand are pointing forward and downward. I wandered about until I felt I was at the location where she was pointing. I turned to take a photo and it was a house with the number 17. Mostly I giggled because that is a number that goes with my inner wisdom. I kept waiting for something to zap me because I was so sure I would find Rose in the area of the statue. That was not to be the case. My second night in Avignon I had a vivid dream/image of me at age three screaming. My mouth was nearly a perfect circle and a pink mist was coming out. I assumed it represented the moment I split and released Rose into the ether.

On day 3 we took the bus to Aix (pronounced "Ex"), Aix-en-Provence. It was bus #17 and it cost each of us 17 euros for a ticket. Brian had found the city in his research and I was happy to go exploring. Upon arriving, we managed to get lost immediately walking about an hour before finally finding the very ritzy shopping area of town. The first shop we passed was to my right. A pink shop for baby wear and accessories. I saw a huge pink bunny with smaller identical bunnies out of the corner of my eye. I was compelled to go get a bunny. I walked in directly to the bunnies, found the one that was closest in size to my traveling pink bunny and brought it to the cashier. While she was ringing up my purchase, I read the tag on the bunny. Her name was Lilirose. I smiled. I had brought my pink bunny that day via backpack and immediately put the two together.

The first bench we came to, we sat down to relax. I asked Brian to take a photo of me with the two bunnies. He suggested I walk over to the statue in the center of the plaza that I had not even noticed. He called it a gymnast. As I walked up to her, I had such an eerie feeling. The trauma leading to Rose's demise in my system included tortured ballerinas. I clearly saw this statue as a tortured ballerina. I stood beneath it for the photo.

After the photo, I returned to the bench to get my camera. After shooting from both side angles, I walked around and saw her face. I gasped out loud. She looked like every early magazine picture I had of Ellie...bald, terrified, screaming. And her mouth looked just like the image from my dream.

The statue was part of an exhibit on loan to Aix-en-Provence. Chances are, if we had taken our trip any other year, I would not have found her. Our having been lost no longer seemed to be a coincidence. Had we gone the correct way to begin with, I would not have come upon the baby store and likely we would not have stopped by this statue. To add to the synchronicity, after coming home, I tried to find an image of the baby store online. While I didn't find an exterior photo, I did find their phone number which validated the synchronicity. I'd been taking photos of lots of numbers that day, especially house number 22 and phone numbers with lots of 4s and 2s on signs. The phone number for the store was: I see the 09 as symbolic for September.

That night, back in Avignon, I woke up with a nightmare. I don't remember the details but I do recall my tummy gurgling a lot. That used to be the way one of my parts communicated with me. I had heard the gurgling rather loudly before going to sleep but thought I was hungry and just ate a snack. I knew after the nightmare Rose was with me. Ellie had come to me through a nightmare as well. I was so happy to feel the gurgling although I felt no other emotional connection or communication from Rose.

The following day I was feeling blocked from internal communication and decided to listen to one of the healing guided imageries I often listen to for relaxation and falling asleep. During that time, I was able to see Rose and adult Ellie run into each others arms in joyful reunion. Almost immediately though, Ellie turned into a baby. Rose picked her up. My internal motherly caretaker appeared to offer assistance, but Rose said she'd like to take care of baby Ellie and would ask for help if needed. Later in the imagery, I had an odd internal view of what looked like a tall person in a pink rabbit suit guide me into my heart (the main focus of the particular guided imagery). I followed the "rabbit" but something insect or fairylike came between us. The fairy blossomed into a gorgeous crystal-like winged fairy that seemed to be also like a butterfly. I had thought that was Rose going into my heart but never felt a connection or any particular emotion.

The next day I kept wondering if Rose planned on leaving 44N. It was so beautiful. Why would anyone want to leave that and enter my still somewhat traumatized mind and body. Thoughts of her having taken baby Ellie with her nagged at me. Answers gradually followed for the remainder of the trip. Rose's only purpose for entering my body was to rescue Ellie. Programming I had found forbidding the two to ever integrate in the body again had been found in Polyvore sets. For Rose and Ellie to heal together, it had to be outside the body. While slightly disappointed after my anticipation of finding Rose, I was happy as long as they were both safe and happy. Apparently the "tall pink rabbit" was an alter smuggling Ellie out and the fairy-like creature blocked the view of Rose once again escaping through my breath, but this time with baby Ellie. I felt and still feel a bit empty. Ellie is the part of me who so wanted to die. And since she released all other emotions to Rose, no wonder she never was able to rise above that tortured place. Perhaps I had just grown accustomed to holding that heaviness and now it felt only empty.

More synchronicities existed but this is sufficient to relay the outcome. I returned from France without Rose or Ellie. The other part of this complex ruse was that Gracie, who integrated in June, did share Rose's spirit and was an identical twin to Ellie. When Gracie entered the body, Ellie immediately went into hiding to await her rescue. The parts of me who might still have tried to sabotage my life or prevent Ellie's rescue had been fooled. And I certainly had been surprised, I guess by necessity.

The healing is that Ellie is completely free of my body, which had always been her wish. She was replaced by a healed "body double" so no one inside could tell the difference and no programming was set off. Her regression to an infant allowed Rose to raise her with love and safety which would provide her with the loving happy childhood she never had. Or however that plays out in the astral plane.

Rose with baby Ellie somewhere 44N.

P.S. During my first therapy appointment after coming home, a young alter named Mary spoke most of the session. I was co-conscious. Mary is my little Catholic girl and she had been the one out with me since Paris. She was there for the quest for Mother Mary.


Ann Marie said...

Your Rose looks a lot like Sarah Jessica Parker.

I can't say I understand much that happens on an astral plane, but I like the part of things happening in an otherwise inexplicable manner that would then seem to make sense. Seems to give weight to there being so much purpose of being. It is like a divining of relationships.

Our best to you,


Grace said...

Hi Anns, My parts tend to choose celebrities and models to represent themselves, although I have images that look like those celebrities but are not. Uncanny how my insiders locate such things. Yes, love your phrase "divining of relationships". Fascinating to experience. Still processing what's going on inside since returning. Appreciate your following the blog.