Yesterday's integration/fusion magical moment was quite noticeable today and I even understand the dynamics of why. This goes with my initial personal (or inner wisdom?) theory that I had to integrate so alters holding only one awful emotion would be able to experience a spectrum of emotions. They would not be stuck forever only knowing one emotion that went with the trauma.
The final two adults who comprised me were Jane and Grace. The alter who was most attached to Jane and loved her in a motherly fashion had integrated into me. Hence the sadness that came from the "feeling of death" that went with Ellie. Even though Ellie integrated several weeks ago, I was still feeling very sad. At the surprising moment I felt me (Grace) join with Jane's consciousness or being, Ellie was reunited and that was the deep and wonderful loving feeling that surged through me.
I don't understand all of the splitting and connections, but I do understand young Janie and Ellie's connection which has endured throughout my healing. I woke up today feeling good. My mood has been "chipper" all day. I smiled more. I did some fun things. Was able to do my walk with BB for more than 20 minutes. Made a date to watch a good friend drum next week. I've been so withdrawn and unsocial. I even made the phone call to my friend whose been trying to reach me for several weeks. No return calls when I'm too sad.
Yesterday was a good thing. That was a long haul. I know it was an integration. And it feels like there is no one else around. But who knows with DID. I wish I could say there will never be another agonizing healing event to wade through. I do hope, though, that life gives me a bit of a break so I can build up my muscles and strength again without having such intense emotional issues. All of 2009 would be a good break... Maybe a celebration of having my life back in 2010 with a return trip to Italy.
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