Surprise Uprising

Polyvore by Grace2244

My first active suicidal attempt was the month after the father died (March 2011) for which I spent about a month inpatient undoing the programming. Last year, I was preparing for deep healing in Sedona. But, this year, in March after the previous post, I overdosed again. I’d been integrated since May 2013. It was quite a shock that yet another program popped up seemingly randomly three years after father death. Since it was entirely different alters, I knew it wasn’t the same. I jumped back into weekly therapy. However, since two overdoses had failed, images of a much worse method of death overwhelmed me. I was terrified a part would come out and act on the visions. Fortunately, I was able to go inpatient. It wasn’t the same facility as last time.

This time I saw a psychiatrist daily including weekends and a therapist three times a week. After ten days, my programming suddenly came undone. I spent the first ten days identifying the program and who was involved. It was the father introject. I had healed one but it didn’t look my father. He represented my father. This new one looked and acted internally as the external scary father. Very terrifying inside to encounter. I learned to communicate with the perp parts differently than I normally communicated with parts. In the past, I received messages through collages and internal answers. The father introject spoke to me through non-dominant hand journaling and his answers were that of “I am commander of the world and you will die.”

I knew his army wanted to escape but feared him. In the past, I have changed dangerous suicidal parts into harmless seahorses. I don’t know why seahorses went with my father but they did. I was partial to the peaceful leafy sea dragon. While collaging, I realized I wanted to change the new father introject into a baby hippo. I was able to accomplish that with help from inside. The hippo was to remain a baby. The littles loved him. Even I could love him in that form.

Once the father introject became the hippo and moved to the healed side, insiders were able to rescue his hostages, also programmed to carry out harm programming, and all his army found their way to underground tunnels leading to an internal safe place. Many details being skipped but I do have a very intricate internal world. On Day 10, I told the psychiatrist I had undone everything and felt safe and calm inside. He suggested we wait until the next day while I try to examine the healing to make sure it was secure. I received two forms of validation overnight proving I had healed. That was my second Saturday and discharge was planned for Monday.

Even though my programming came undone safely in 2011, I hadn’t learned the skills to help suicidal parts in the future to heal. Of course, I also didn’t think I’d have any more. This time I was told the death of a perp can wreak havoc on the system of someone with DID, especially with the sophistication of my system. No expert was able to say if or when it might happen again. I came away with good skills for identifying early in the process when harm activity is beginning and how to communicate with them to help them heal as well as work with my therapist. I had been missing a most necessary skill set.

This is my healing process. I don’t know that everyone with DID working with suicidal/harm parts needs to find a different way to work with them. I’m sharing that this is what I had to do and I feel much more prepared for future activity. In fact, since coming home, I noticed an unsettling feeling. One of the alters identified in the harm programming was missed. He was able to hide during the rescue. I began to journal to him and have also established internal communication without journaling. I’ll be able to tell my therapist next week. He has begun to come around to understanding he has a choice of not to carry out his job and the person he feared in not doing his job was no longer active.

As an aside, the morning after I got home, I heard “hippo campus” as in where the hippo now lived but it is also the name of part of the brain. In looking up hippocampus, the first sentence was my complete validation and synchronicity. That part of the brain is often viewed as in the shape of a seahorse. Now we know.

An Okay Ending

 

Polyvore by grace2244

It’s been a wild emotional ride from 2011 when a suicide program unleashed to today. I’ve fully integrated. I thought I had integrated from 2003 until 2007; however, apparently I was integrated enough to have my career as a therapist. When my body fell apart (physical trauma) due to numerous surgeries, it’s likely why my integration fell apart somewhat easily. Possibly the level of depression was a factor as well.
 
Depression was a constant in my life and fear of being anywhere by myself, for the most part, was prevalent. I continued with my therapist of 15 years until early this year. I have an excellent new therapist who is very knowledgeable in treating DID and had more time to help me as my former therapist began reducing her hours and availability for retirement. At the time I changed trauma therapists, I also began to see a nearby male therapist once a week for every day life issues. Mostly he focused on trying to get me to face the anxiety I had and move beyond it…let it go. I couldn’t imagine letting it go. He kept at me though and, while I resisted consciously, it did impact me subconsciously.
 
Vision Quest. This is the short version of what happened to get me from male therapist nudging me about external fear to fully healing and no longer carrying the anxiety he so wanted me to put behind me. Through synchronicity of a friend visiting Sedona and my recalling it was a healing place because of the energy of the vortex winds, I made arrangements to be there for three full days of healing massage and ceremonies along with vortex visits and a helicopter tour of the ancient canyons.

Once I made the reservations, my Raven began to communicate with me through poetry…something I began to engage in earnestly since January and haiku in February. While direct communication with another part of myself had always been short term and/or difficult to maneuver, Raven’s narrative of what was to happen in Sedona was quite specific. By the time I left for Sedona, I knew exactly what was going to happen to me; I just didn’t know when or how. It was such a strong knowing, and I opened myself to whatever was going to happen to me once I arrived.

I do want to share that Raven (who knew all of the horror of my subconscious world and who had healed and existed with me) told me I could never fully heal as long as she were a part of me. It’s how my system had been built. After completely bringing down the system and healing all parts, full integration was not possible. Raven had found a way to bypass the way I had been “engineered”. She chose to take the form of a raven bird but wanted to leave my being at the “ancient canyon”. She said she would take all the darkness and “toxic waste” of my past with her but separate from that baggage so she would be free too. We would continue to be connected in an astral way. We are all stardust…along those lines.

How I experienced the release of the darkness and feeling her leave me were wonderful and emotional. It felt like freedom. I referred to that trip as my vision quest and believe that’s exactly what it was. I came home fully integrated and had what I call a shift in consciousness because that huge anxiety that followed me around like a cloud was gone. Not that I’m carefree…I’m reasonably cautious in my world as any person needs to be.

I have realized that Raven has spoken to me since the journey through my writing. The feeling coming through from her is happiness in much the way that my best friend and I have an inexplicable connection to each other. I no longer feel partsy and have been tested with regard to parts. Recently I was fully freaked out about having been attacked by bugs at the back of my knees and I remained me. That surely would have caused a switch before Sedona. My life after Sedona. That’s where I am.

What’s next? Two sessions after returning from my trip, I stopped my weekly local therapy. The end of June I stopped regular monthly sessions with my trauma therapist although she is available as needed. As mentioned in my last post, I have begun the evaluation process (brain mapping) to begin neurofeedback. Possibly five years ago I wouldn’t have gone near anything connected to my brain. However, research shows it can calm down the central nervous system and possible reduce overall and/or eliminate some of what is left over of my PTSD triggers.

I was fascinated after my initial brain mapping session to see that my brain wave patterns were far from normal. Most were double where they should be and those that had one normal number had an abnormal secondary number. It explained my inability to focus. Surprisingly, as thorough as I am about relaxing every day, the map showed I was above where “normal calm” is for most people. We will focus on that first.
Neurofeedback does for the brain what chiropractic does for the spine. It trains the mind to remain within a specific range by itself. It takes time to start to stay there on its own. I’m excited about it.

Prior to Sedona, I had started acupuncture after my new health insurance kicked in from my new marriage. The sessions aren’t covered but I’m offered a sufficient discount with my insurance to where it’s finally affordable. I just went from weekly to every other week and that has been helping body pain and depression.

Finally, because there had been such a shift in my being, with the help of my psychiatrist, I began to wean off my antidepressant. I will be antidepressant free in a few days. I wanted to be off for the neurofeedback to train my mind to be in a good place without medication interfering.

It’s difficult for me to write for too long which is why I haven’t been blogging. This will likely be my last entry for this blog but hope it stands to provide important information for others who realize they have DID and to provide hope for completely healing or at least have a fairly calm life at some point. Perhaps occasionally some important and relevant information will surface that I will post here.
 
An acceptable end. My first anniversary to my husband is in a few days. He has been with me since 2001 when I was still quite variable in personality and intensely healing while also beginning my graduate program for my counseling degree. He was with me when I was lying in a hospital bed on several occasions for several days in 2007 when I wasn’t sure I would be leaving alive. He proved “for better or worse” and with DID, PTSD, and severe depression before we ever said our vows. Peace at last. Those with DID usually experience minor to major issues with a spouse when it surfaces. I’m grateful to have him in my life and have the security of knowing he will be my “until death do us part” husband.

I wish healing for all on this journey from the insidious, intentionally created child with multiple personalities for life’s underworld fully into adulthood. More survivors are “out there” than you can possibly imagine. You are not alone. Thank you for taking this arduous healing journey with me. 

44° North - Explaining the Unexplicable

Apparently I've never written of this part of my healing. At least searching my blog yields no results for key words. Early in healing I had a protector who went with 44N. I had no idea what it meant at the time except that it was a brand of clothing. In 2005, my now husband and I took a trip to Italy. One of the locations I happened to find online: a gorgeous view from a bed & breakfast atop a hill in Cinque Terre. We did our own itinerary. We were able to get reservations at THE B&B whose website I'd found. The trip was booked. Before the vacation, I began to get internal messages as I always do. But I was getting 44N so loudly. Eventually I started looking up the cities we were to stay in to see what longitude and latitude they were. Milan was too far north and Tuscany too far south. Cinque Terre was 44.1° N. At first I was frightened I was going to relive some trauma when I visited. My inner wisdom assured me I'd be fine and see the answers in my photos when I returned.

Indeed, I did see things in my photos and also began to feel healing. It was Gracie who surfaced and who recently integrated into my heart in early June this year. This is the photo that most impacted me.

I hadn't noticed at the time I took the photo that the branches of the vine or olive tree formed the shape of a heart.

I'd had a previous experience with 44°N and this new experience solidified that it meant great healing. Soon my husband and I are off to Paris and Avignon for vacation. Brian had chosen Avignon which sounded perfect to me. My last post in this blog had me processing trauma constantly connected to Iran when I again got hit repeatedly with the 44N message. I immediately checked Paris which was too high. Avignon, however, is 44.0° N. I nearly fainted. Brian said it was impossible because he thought it was so much further south than Italy. Not the case.

My internal processing shifted from Iran (my early teen years) to a huge trauma that shattered my three-year-old being in Germany in 1955. I got the memory in a very detailed manner as well as how part of me split off during the trauma and escaped to 44N in France. New pictures of her showed her healed and an adult. This brings the term "parallel universe" into play. How did that happen? Is it just a story given to me that is coincidental to my travels? How did I manage to go to 44°N twice without conscious realization? And why couldn't they return to me instead of my going to them?

When this message surfaced I was driven (obsessed) to make sure I had saved all of my Polyvore sets...a project that had been more done than not. I dove in and saved every relevant set since the beginning. I also found two DVDs with Polyvore sets from four years ago, the beginning of Polyvore for me and the end of handmade collages. Within those long forgotten sets I could see that most of my programmed system began with that trauma in 1955. Rose represented something programmers wanted eliminated from my being. Her destruction was targeted and resulted in half of her remaining in the trauma as what they wanted her to be and her other half escaped as Rose. I also found a frightening set that clearly showed programming for me to self-destruct should Gracie and Rose ever reunite within me.

I then understood why there were two separate 44N locations. It was dangerous for them to have escaped together. The programming was undone early in 2011 when I had such a difficult time and had overdosed because of a perp part hidden inside despite several previous integrations. It hadn't been safe for Rose to return until that perp and his associated alters were healed. Since then Gracie integrated. It is now safe.

Sets of Rose show her closely connected to Mother Mary. In Avignon is a beautiful gold statue of Mother Mary where logic tells me I might encounter this part of me; but logic has never really worked in the past. I had no idea going to Italy what 44°N meant but, now that I do, I am so excited as are several inside who had been strongly connected to Rose before she left. Most thought she had died but some showed me in my art that they knew of the secret of her hiding and healing.

Call it what you want. The story comes from within but this is only my second European vacation and the only two I've had with Brian. So many questions to be asked of the universe. A sort of invisible miracle? Regardless, healing is healing. I'll take it however it comes to me.

This set was done in February 2009 and named Rose - Safe in a Parallel Universe. She goes with the nautilus, pink roses, and hearts. The following set shows she has emerged from the shell and is awaiting "rescue".

 

I'm looking forward to writing of the reunion when I return...if it happens while I'm there. It did take Gracie several months to make her internal presence known and seven years to integrate.

Heart Journey

On July 15, 2012, I posted to my Art Journey blog a series of Polyvore sets created after the healing event described in my last post on this blog. Gracie, the one who originally identified with the teddy bear but emerged as the young woman, has provided me with answers about her connection to the hearts and love and pink stairs. As with any part of my healing, it’s a puzzle that comes together.

Somewhere early in this blog I speak of guided imagery CDs and downloads by Belleruth Naparstek. I own many but tend to favor a few. Before I knew of the alternative media, my therapist read the very powerful Healing Trauma imagery to me while I was comfortably lying on her sofa. The imagery has one imagine going into the heart. I was in tears the first time and felt strong emotion the first few times I listened to it myself. Slowly I seemed to have less emotional response and very few changes happened over the years I’ve listened to it. When entering the heart, we see our piles of blame and shame and shards and heaps of our shattered lives along with sudden geysers of terror. But it leads to a golden light which is the tunnel to center of the heart. The center of the heart is a beautiful room where our true self resides. The imagery then leads us out of the room and back up through the darker crumpled area. After staring at the Polyvore sets with the hearts, I felt I needed to listen to my Healing Trauma again since it had been awhile.

Yesterday afternoon, after a long tiring day, I layed down turning on my Healing Trauma imagery. Before I continue, a brief reminder that Gracie had moved from my eye to my ear and then suddenly integrated with me during which I had a wonderful feeling that has not left my being. In the beginning of the imagery, there is a “presence at my side” who is usually one of my male protectors. Yesterday it was my female protector. She took my hand and led me into the heart. Everything had changed. It was all beautiful and golden. What used to be the ugly part of my life now looked like an art museum. The various facets of my shattered past were commemorated in gold framed museum art work. Velvet ropes were in place to stand back from the art. A “geyser of terror” still existed but was far in the distance and surrounded by the ropes. The words of the imagery really no longer went with my internal landscape for the dark entry way toward the tunnel.

Walking through the gold lighted tunnel before getting to the center of the heart, Gracie was lying on the ground and seemed to be all dusty. My protector and I both helped her up and dusted her off. It’s that moment I realized she was literally thrown into my heart. Perhaps she had to join with me before she could leave the heart. She and I hugged, after which she stepped into me while we were facing each other. I felt her turn around to face the same direction as me and she fit into me perfectly. My protector continued to lead us into the core of my heart in the beautiful golden room. When we left to ascend the tunnel to the upper level, it was the beautiful pink stairs of my Polyvore sets.

Clues leading back to hand made collages have been popping into my head showing me that this part of me was going to heal but I wasn’t ready to know the full meaning until now. Gracie goes with dreams I’ve had. Years of clues about her and being hidden in my eye have been recorded in art. Had it not been for the cataracts, who knows if she ever would have moved out of her safe haven. Remarkable. Healing is remarkable.

Something In My Eye

May and June brought some scary moments as well as deep healing. Mostly it's been quiet inside throughout end of 2011 sinus surgery followed by six weeks of IV antibiotics. Unfortunately the antibiotics which included sulfa drugs may have caused the rapid onset of cataracts. I'd had great vision with my glasses for years with only minor correction except for astigmatism. I was scheduled for cataract surgery for right eye in May and left eye in June. The first surgery went so smoothly. Easiest surgery ever in case anyone is wondering.

Between the surgeries I began to have anxiety and some dangerous things almost happen with my left eye blocking my sight for cars. I realized someone was causing that to happen. My last car accident a couple years ago I only remember being at the stop sign. Next memory is my face in an air bag. Someone had hit me mid-intersection flying from the left. Always wondered if that hadn't been a part of me. I began processing on Polyvore. Over and over I was being shown me at age 3 and images of a teddybear. It took many sets before I realized the teddybear was how the 3-year-old saw herself. Trapped, unable to move. She was being held by an adult male part of me who I initially knew as an internal perp.

Without going through a lot of "clue talk", the story that emerged was the broken 3-year-old had been cared for by the now safe adult male and was keeping her hidden in the corner of my left eye. I know it sounds weird. Obviously something was creating danger but may have been a cry for help I hadn't heard in the last accident. The upcoming cataract surgery on my left eye was causing "fear of destruction". With internal work I was able to safely have her moved from my eye and felt the movement into my ear and then a beautiful healing moment.

The adult male was part of Spencer, my inner wisdom, and the 3-year-old was released to be with my female protector, "Emmie". It felt like freedom...free spirit. Wonderful feeling.

When I first began processing with images, I feared feeling all the hurt and pain the 3-year-old had borne. When I felt nothing but genuine happiness, I knew the adult with her had been helping her heal and preparing her for that moment. The feeling of happiness and even joy has remained with me. It feels like a permanent change in emotional strength. Several times I've received bad news and other things have happened that, in the past, would have knocked down into the depression pit. I have sufficient emotional strength to feel sad about those things but move on in spite of it.

Recently, I joined several girlfriends for a girl's night out...my first truly social event with my friends since 2007. Everyone commented on how happy I seemed and I genuinely felt joy the entire evening. This is not to say I am completely healed, although I wish I were. Yesterday I hit a curb while driving causing my tire to explode and stranding me in a not so safe area. I was able to call AAA and my fiance who, bless his heart, jumped in his car to come to my aid. I was terrified being alone waiting for anyone to arrive. Coping skills, coping skills.

Still have some work to do but am very pleased to be at a new positive emotional place in my life. I do hope it lasts. Being or having this level of happiness feels like what all the pain of healing was meant to do.

P.S. The 3-year-old seems to have transformed into a young adult since my healing sets of late seem to show this part of me feeling the freedom.

Last Trauma Alter?

Kate's Realization by grace2244 on polyvore.com

I wrote recently about alters Kate and Cassie who merged as Casey. They healed after the knowledge of my beginnings surfaced. Healing happens after trauma is released. So I either began as a genetically engineered egg and sperm (which is all over my earliest birth collages) or it was something brainwashed into the mind of this alter and was split, each holding the same message. Regardless, the two are now one.

I had also stated their healing felt like a kind of ending. Next to surface was a young girl with an odd name, AMABOU, which is the ornithological code for a Mangrove Hummingbird. The girl seemed very healed and settled. In researching the type of bird, it is an endangered species living in the area of Costa Rica. Mangrove trees are fascinating. They live simultaneously on land and sea.

 

These trees live in two worlds and survive the harshest of environments where most other trees would not survive. It's a great metaphor for having DID...surviving in a dual world of consciousness under extreme circumstances. The hummingbird is lovely with teal and purple markings. Perhaps this symbol of survival is another sign that my trauma has been processed.

Hopefully it will mean I can now focus on resolving PTSD symptoms and extinguishing triggers that are an aftermath of a life of trauma. I love the image of a beautiful hummingbird as a symbol of survival.

Am feeling more hopeful about less down time due to depression from unknown trauma, although I know I don't know everything that happened. Some will always stay tucked away. Why would I want to know every bit of yuck that happened to me. I trust my inner wisdom to show me what I must know as needed from the storage container of "need to know only" trauma.

I don't know if I've integrated or maybe I am mostly but still feel a few parts lingering about. Either way, if this is the final horror or unfathomable truth I had to face, I'm okay with how I am. If this is the case, I'll be able to dictate what I want to work on in therapy to continue the next phase of making my life better instead of being led by the trauma at the time of my therapy session.

Am wanting to release a huge whoosh of air at this achievement. I wish I could say it was an end, but it is more a beginning of increased clarity and hope.

Self-Awareness, Extreme Thinking & Balance

I was completely dissociated when I was 3. Most born into that underground world have intentional trauma in utero to begin the process. Creating anxiety and fear in a baby is simple. Irregular feedings make the baby wonder when and if they will be fed next. Prolonged periods of isolation without light, touch, and food induce fear of abandonment, starvation, and death. All innate survival skills are activated causing the child to be more likely to dissociate before they are able to speak and tell.

We grow up thinking food or death, love or death, helplessness and death. All roads lead to death. That thinking is constantly reinforced as we are raised into adulthood in that environment. Our mind's ability to maintain the abuse in a bubble of amnesia keeps part of our present and all of our past abuse out of our awareness. We are clueless about our double lives (for most of us, at least into our twenties and many a decade or two beyond).

Dissociation Train by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

The healing process of DID is to help us control what has been our mind's automatic response to pain, fear, and even feelings. I was fortunate to be in therapy prior to known DID to identify feelings and learn some good communication and coping skills. Most who learn they have DID haven't had help prior that point. Feeling pain, feeling emotions that are unidentifiable initially, and extreme thinking dominate in the beginning.

I've been healing for 14 years and still have automatic extreme thinking: if not this, then death. Except now it is death at my own hands. Suicide was also a huge part of growing up designer DID. Sharing this is preparation to explain how I analyzed an issue that was feeding into suicidal thoughts I've been struggling with recently.

I've been plagued with suicidal thoughts and vivid imagery since shortly after news of my abuser father's death and got the help needed to stop programming associated with that triggering event. I've written about programming that began once I had stopped the first program. A third round popped up which I believe was shut down. But the vivid images remained in my head. I used my coping skills to get out of my head but was becoming exhausted.

When I connected the worst of the thoughts to the pain that went with my body, I became very proactive. Last week I got in to see my psychiatrist earlier, I saw my family doctor about the lack of relief from concussion headaches, and made an appointment with the specialist who works with part of my body that is a huge trigger in every possible respect. That helped settle my mind about all issues going on in my life except relationship issues...that I didn't know were feeding into the suicidal thoughts.

When I saw my therapist a few days ago, she tried to focus on suicidal thoughts with me but my brain blocked her and I ended up rambling about things going on in my relationship. I thought initially someone inside just wasn't letting me have a good therapy session. But when I got home, I communicated to my partner all that was on my mind. In doing so, I realized not feeling I could do anything about his issues led me to feeling helpless. Helplessness leads to death. Old pattern. But communicating my feelings of helplessness to him really helped make that connection. I doubt that would have happened if I hadn't taken positive action about every other issue I was facing. A breakthrough for me.

As an extreme abuse survivor, stopping the mind from going to "death" as the answer is difficult. But we can remind ourselves there are choices between all and nothing.

Another component that inhibits self-awareness is our training to dissociate pain. I've healed to where I know I have pain and no longer have an automatic dissociative response. I hate pain. However, we multiples tend to grossly underrate the level of pain we do experience. We also have messages about deserving pain which keeps some from seeking medical help until an issue has progressed far beyond a simple intervention.

Having awareness is only the true beginning of healing. After becoming more whole and learning to stay present, only then can we see what we've been missing or feel what we've been missing. Rather than all roads leading to suicide, learning the shades of gray...healthy options...is crucial, although certainly not easy.

I have been dealing with the unmentionable body issue since 2008 not thinking beyond just tolerating it and limiting my activities to accommodate it. Realizing that it was something I could choose to have treated was a very recent thought.

Learning things like yoga and qi gong, meditation and relaxation help all people to find calm and balance in the world. But such things are necessary to multiples. It's also helpful for support people of multiples to know that suicidal thoughts are the "norm" and we have to be reminded there are other ways to think.

I am happy to say the slight medication change made by my psychiatrist helped get those vivid images out of my head that were constantly plaguing me. Am grateful to be able to think a bit more clearly not being focused on ending my life.

Programming is such a complicated issue for support people to grasp. Just know it is something we struggle with for years. And even though I thought I was healed and had unraveled all programming, my father's death was able to trigger something hidden deep inside me just waiting to go off. We truly have no control except to scramble for help when it happens.

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to dissociate at will to get myself out of any uncomfortable or painful feelings. Since that is no longer an option, following the thoughts, self-analysis, and help from my therapist are still going to need to happen to take my life further away from that rabbit hole where I used to be perpetually stuck.

Having said that, sometimes self-awareness truly sucks.

The Last of Tinkerbelle (?)

After the scare of the flooding of suicidal thoughts followed by messages that it was an adult Tinkerbelle and her child "pod" trapped, I was able to see my therapist. This mission was to rescue Tink and her little self. Once I was guided inside, all I had to do was watch what was happening and narrate what was unfolding.

Spencer who is both internal and external to the body rescued Tink as she clutched the jar holding her child likeness tightly to her chest. Her exits were either the tear duct by the eye or the nasal passage. As the session began, pain in my left nasal cavity began to pulsate. It stopped as soon as Spencer safely removed her.

Next I saw Spencer gently set her down at the entrance to the heart...where many of my alters have crossed through to heal. Tink was given a choice and she frantically ran into the entrance to reach the other side. Spencer followed her so she would have someone safe behind her. Oddly, as she emerged on the other side, the area of my head that hit the floor when I fell and got my concussion began to feel like it was radiating with healing energy. My head has felt better since then.

After noticing the good feeling where my head had hit the floor, I almost simultaneously felt a sharp pain near the upper back of my right ear. I sensed it was the Delgado part who was in a containment area angry that the Tinkerbelle program was finally dismantled to include the pod regeneration. My therapist was so ingenious in addressing the pain and that part of me. She told me Delgado himself was not inside me but his teachings were. His training and philosophies and programming that had been inflicted on Tinkerbelle and the sister introjects. As the therapist spoke, the fear of Delgado collapsed into a book of his messages. We filed the book in the internal library in the research section. He was a part of my history and his words no longer would control me.

I've felt calm and huge relief since the session. When I got home, I immediately did an art set showing Tink and her little self in their internal safe world. I realized today that they were now able to enjoy the view of the water from above it instead of feeling trapped below it. I have faith that she and the little will heal from the unhealthy attachment to Delgado and the lies and messages they were given. I'm also relieved she wanted very much to be rescued.

Safe in her Healing Home by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

As for any physical benefit, that remains to be seen. But it's my left sinus that has been cause of constant sinus infections for years. I can only hope it's not too late for healing to happen now that the trauma has been removed. At least I'm hoping it's the last trauma connected to my sinuses...and the last Tinkerbelles who needed to be rescued.

Doll Therapy

I may have mentioned this before but in addition to collaging long before I had internet access, I began to collect stuffed animals...just the ones that "spoke to me". If you have DID, you understand how an inanimate object such as a doll or stuffed animal can seem to be wanting to say something. Those are the ones I bought. Eventually I came to know each as connecting to an alter.

My favorite example is my first acquisition...an alligator with very sad eyes. I first came to know his name: Howard. Eventually I found humanized images of the little boy known as Howard. He told me his name meant "hospital ward" and he had tough skin like an alligator so needles wouldn't hurt.

As a child, I hated dolls. I was overly attached to a teddybear I had gotten at age 3 in Germany. I had it still at age 44 when it became known I had DID. I trashed it immediately after I'd read that children with DID often have an object from childhood that is a reminder of their silencing programming. The bear was very worn and I had stitched up part of its mouth at one time. That's when I began to look for a replacement and many replacements came in the form of many stuffed animals.

It wasn't until I was a therapist that I purchased my first Ashton Drake "So Truly Real" doll, Baby Grace. I now have a collection of seven and had given an eighth away to a relative who loved her. I kept thinking the doll looked like my younger sister as a baby and never "bonded" with her.

My most recent and hopefully final acquisition was Emily Rose who I immediately turned into Tinkerbelle but didn't realize that until the last few weeks. I'd wake up each morning and see her and wonder what she was trying to tell me. I didn't coddle her like I had the other dolls. She's also a bit awkward and rather heavy to carry, unlike the others. She wears full size infant clothes instead of preemie clothes. This is my first picture of her when I had named her a safe name: Kaylee.

Tink is in the highchair on the right. She has a small bear also with a pink tutu. I have since placed a pink ribbon-like hairband in her hand. She is holding her white blanket in her left hand. After returning home from my trauma center stay and processing the milkweed pods that appeared in so many sets, I realized Tink was holding her discarded "veil" which enclosed her in the seed pod.

When the programming broke at the trauma center, the sisters had been connected but the other sister broke the chain leaving Tink holding the connecting end...the ribbon I placed in her hand.

This morning I received the answers I needed to understand many sets I've done of an underwater "see" world. I had a map of my system as layers back in 1998 showing See World as a place I thought had been healed. The surprising answers today were that Tink resides in my tear ducts...or a tear duct...which lead from the eye to the nasal sinus. My recent Polyvore sets can be viewed showing how I came to these answers. This set will get you to the explanation:

Tink's Underwater See World by grace2244 (kinda here) on Polyvore.com

After understanding where she is trapped, I realized I have no idea how to help her until I see my therapist. Since my fall leading to the concussion at the trauma center, my eyes have been a main source of aching and pain which I treat with heat. I also realize Tink has been very unloved. I've dressed her and held her a few times, but mostly she sits in that high chair...almost like a prison.

This morning I have her with me. I removed the ribbon that keeps her tied to the programming from her hand and placed my spa pad on her head. Bizarre? Silly? Who knows. I just know what I do externally with regard to loving the stuffed animals and dolls has an internal impact so am hoping I'm helping her in some way.

Healing can happen in many ways. Follow your instincts and listen inside. You never know what can be a healing tool. Am hoping Tink can be safely moved to a different area of my body where she is free to heal with the others. And perhaps her surfacing last night with strong suicidal thoughts was her cry for help rather than trying to frighten me.

Allergies and Mind Control

Because of recent events with my own health, I wanted to document my history and the known history of the government mind control programs. The programs began with Artichoke, followed by Bluebird, and then MK-Ultra, which I believe has changed names throughout the years.

A renowned expert in dissociation, Colin Ross, M.D., authored the book Bluebird: Deliberate Creation of Multiple Personality By Psychiatrists. You can Google him to find his citations of the universities, government sites, doctors and psychiatrists, and companies/individiuals/organizations complicit in MK-Ultra experiments.

Martin Orne was a notorious psychiatrist and “expert hypnotist” who demonstrated extreme extents to which unwitting people would go in a trance state. I ordered a video of one of his subjects and experiments through a psychiatric website. In horror I watched as a woman placed her hand in acid immediately after Orne demonstrated it was indeed extremely dangerous. The woman placed her hand in it after Orne, I believe, suggested It was simply a glass of water. She had no response to the burning effects and simply removed her hand from the glass when asked to do so by Orne. He also held up a huge snake that he had her do something with. I blocked that out. Couldn’t bear to watch. When I became a therapist, I shipped all of my mind control research and tapes to another survivor for safekeeping.

This information is to provide a background for the evil and the ways these government employed participants helped in creating the perfect mind control subjects from birth. In 1997 I came across the actual study done explaining how subjects were made to believe they had allergies to anything suggested to them. That was validation for my own “histamine programming” (my term).

I had at least one alter trained to produce histamines based on environmental and/or informational cues. Basically, if my mind was going near a forbidden topic, I would have an allergy attack. I have a very clear memory of my allergies having a sudden and dramatic onset in September 1969 when I was 16. The moon landing had been that July. I believe my POW memory was that summer. But something happened that summer. I just know I was home to watch the moon landing.

Am not certain it was the first day back to school but that first month back to school my face swelled up unknown to me on the bus trip to the school. A friend on the bus told me I should go to the nurse’s office but wouldn’t tell me why. As soon as I walked into the nurse’s office, she had me lie down and called my mother to take me to the doctor. When she left the office for a minute, I walked into the bathroom and saw my highly distorted swollen face. A panic attack ensued recalling my father had an allergic reaction when I was about 5 where his tongue had swelled in his mouth cutting off his air passage. My mother told me about that only when I was older. Thank goodness that was not the case with me.

That day began a decade-long regimen of allergy tests and allergy shots and constant sinus infections. When I was an adult continuing the allergy shot regimen, I began to realize the shots were causing the sinus infections. I went off the allergy shots and relied solely on nasal sprays and allergy medication. From that time until 1997 I came to dread early Spring and hay fever season. In the mid-90s, my then family doctor began steroid injections to help control the onslaught of sneezing and constant eye-watering. By the third year of steroid injections, I was begging for injections about once a month when they were supposed to last for three months.

One of my early memories in latter 1997 had to do with being suffocated by a pillow by my father. My connection to a memory with breathing issues had an amazing impact. "Magically" my allergy symptoms slowed down dramatically to the point where I had no Spring allergies and required no steroids whatsoever by hay fever season and haven’t since.

Since begging for more steroid in August 1997 and following first abuse memories in September of that year, I came to know an alter, Annie, who constantly sneezed when she emerged. That’s when I came to understand how histamine was used to distract the mind from memory to allergy symptoms. I had begun to use herbal remedies for some non-allergy related symptoms. Once I realized my brain had been trained to produce more histamines, I researched and found that Pycnogenal lowered the level of histamines in the brain as opposed to stopping the overproduction as antihistamines did. I just stopped taking the Pycnogenal recently since I haven’t had allergy issues in about 10 years. I’m guessing my brain is back to normal levels of histamine.

What I do still have are the sinus issues for which I just processed the Delgado memories of using a removable implant in my sinus cavities. Perhaps the artificially induced allergies were more to cover up the sinus issues since that was a major component of Delgado’s mind control methods.

I believe all of my body issues are connected to how my “autonomous” system was able to be internally controlled by alters. My sinus doctor declared me infection free at my last visit but I must use a special medication to help my body do what it cannot do for itself…move accumulation in my sinuses to the nose to exit the body. I’ve been doing guided imagery to imagine the cilia moving again suspecting it froze from trauma.

When I first went on the inhalant to help my sinuses, it was to be three times a day. It caused me to have bronchial spasms which led to my having to take codeine sulphate tablets to quiet the cough. After several tries I found I could take the inhalant once every other day. Now I’m wondering if the bronchial spasm is another conditioned response.

After my cranial sacral massage two weeks ago which opened up my sinus passages, I did cough but without the spasm. It was a normal cough. No traumatic response. Yet last night the bronchial spasm returned with a vengeance. My mind tells me I need to learn how to relax my vocal chords or whatever muscles control the throat. I will work on that.

Since age 16. It just makes me want to sit down on the floor with a blanket and cry. All those shots. All those horrid injections in my sinuses in the 70s  and 80s before there was a better way to treat infections. The sinus x-rays and CT scans. It all leads back to the devious mind control methods to keep me from remembering and apparently to ensure I would remain in a desired state of compliance. I like to think of myself as a rebel. I hope that rebelliousness helps me to keep fighting this crap.

Once again, everything is connected to everything.

More Realizations--What Could Have Been

Since writing my earlier post, new information and puzzle pieces have been landing in my head. I'm on Facebook so some followers of the blog may have already read this in a Note. Last Friday I missed a dentist appointment in spite of having had it on a physical calender and my iphone with two back up reminders. About the time I was supposed to have gone to the dentist, I spontaneously decided to run to the drugstore. The first time I saw my phone that day was when I came out of the drugstore. It was after 4 pm and I saw the dentist had called.

I was horrified because the dentist was doing me a favor by fitting me in that day. The office was very nice and rescheduled me for Monday. On Monday early afternoon I realized my phone alarms had not gone off for my vitamins. The volume was fine but the SILENCE switch had been turned on. Brian said he hadn't done it and it's not something that can happen accidentally. That's when I said, "Someone really doesn't want to go to the dentist."

That night I was consciously powering my phone off and saw that the SILENCE switch had been turned on again (but my 10 p.m. alarm had sounded). That's my reference in the previous post that someone inside me was acting without my conscious knowledge.

In sharing what had happened with the Polyvore set, "In Transit", shown below, I got hit with another realization. My older sister  (internally named Lizzie) HATED going to the dentist. My mother always had to be sneaky about when Lizzie had the next appointment and tell her 10 minutes before. She was telling me who she was but I hadn't gotten the message without the answer that she was still "in transit".

Now for the scary part. The internalized sister parts of me, along with others, were programmed to take over consciousness and return to the fold, so to speak...whatever military base had last been the message or a certain address. The sister parts didn't surface until after I thought I had been fully integrated.

I don't know for certain whether other parts remain hidden deeply because they would have been too dangerous to surface before my current level of healing. I know that my protector would not have allowed anything dangerous to happen, but her having taken over my consciousness several times in the past week has been disconcerting. Better to miss a dentist appointment than return myself to hands that knew how to break me or worse. This was something that came up so many times in undoing my layers of programming. I wonder how many of us (from this type of programming) never get to fully heal because an alter turns themselves in or self-destructs.

A few years into my healing, several layers of programming had the message of going to visit my older sister (report back to the family). I'm so sad that she is part of that world and doesn't know it. Neither sister, to my knowledge, has awareness of our abuse.

I want to remember Lizzie as sitting on the floor of our bedroom when I was 4 or 5 and teaching me how to tie my shoes. Which brings to mind one more amazing aspect of DID. When I did internalize a person, their personality quirks (if known in conscious life) came with them, along with the original goodness they were meant to have. That Lizzie hated the dentist is just weird.

One more mystery that likely goes with Lizzie is my Thumper voice...a little who slurs words and mumbles. Except that voice sounds the same as my adult voice in my head. Only outsiders can hear the difference. Even as an adult, Lizzie tended to speak very softly and mumble. I used to stare at her mouth and wonder how she could speak when it seemed as if her lips weren't moving. Brian confirmed that I haven't always had the Thumper voice. It's something "fairly recent".

We're betting the Thumper voice will integrate with Lizzie. This is a big puzzle.

Sex vs. Love

A place of bliss by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

For the past week have been processing further integration only to learn one part of me is still walled off. She's probably always been walled off. Initially the messages came through Libby's sets. The woman behind glass in several images represents Libby's sexual repulsion.

Yesterday and this morning it kept coming to me that the woman behind the glass was Joy. At first..."Joy of Sex". But she represents joy/bliss at a level I've not known before. Internal aha. "Sex" in a loving relationship (at least for me and am guessing most) comes from happiness, intimacy, bliss. It comes from a happy place in healthy relationships. Whatever "happy" was in the world of abuse we know was not the true meaning of happy.

I'd thought I did experience happiness and moments of joy on a daily basis. But I also have a "wall" that keeps me from calling people I love dearly. Had thought that was my phone phobia but that particular kind of phone call is denying me a joy I truly want. I did the above set this morning before I left for afternoon physical therapy. All of what I just wrote came together during my drive time. I want to allow Joy in. I may have to wait until my psychotherapy session next week to help Libby also embrace Joy.

A visual of fusion

A little overwhelmed by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

My path of fusion

Warrior Woman - by grace2244 on Polyvore.com

Since the fusion of Ellie and Jane in December, my internal world has been working toward stabilizing and helping me understand what happened. Earlier this week, a second fusion occurred during therapy. Ellie was forced to live her life believing she was male for more than four decades knowing she was not male. She had to create a male entity though when cued. Ellie was Raven. Female Raven and male Raven. New information is Ellie was female Raven and Michael was male Raven. When Ellie fused, Michael stayed behind. Ellie and Michael did not reunite. One of my collages brought up a very strong feeling of disconnection inside. In therapy, I learned of Michael feeling like he didn't belong because all the others had transformed back into females. Michael chose to remain male. Jane and Ellie were happy to have Michael join them as three counterparts. All three integrated into my female inner wisdom Emmie.

Since that happened on Tuesday, the collages on this flip system have been non-stop. All pieces of to my story are now accessible through the fusion of Jane, Ellie, and Michael (a/k/a Grace). Because Emmie is a part of conscious me, I am slowly becoming fused with the others. I hadn't expected that route. The male identity system alters are all freed and healed or healing. I feel lighter but understand internally I have to remain in the background to stay clear of flooding (flashbacks, nightmares, abreactions). My protectors have guided me well. I feel like a recluse having checked out of external life now for several months.

When the dust has settled on this fusion, my wish is that the rest of my life truly will be better. I want to be able to enjoy some life medically and emotionally healed operating on my own free will. Thanks to anyone taking this journey with me.

Project Mayhem Resolved

Wow. Doing that collage with the cigarettes has had some immediate results. I was wondering why I couldn't stop it myself since I knew what was being done. Plus, I got the name of "collage person". I posted a series of her pictures on the art blog awhile ago. Her name is Easel. I know. Slap self on forehead. She goes with art. The little blond girl who has appeared in several collages who I thought was a young Janie was Easel. You can see from my many images of Easel that she is always with short blond hair and has those delicate facial features.

Even though it sounded silly as I was asking inside, I wondered if we just couldn't have a "no smoking" policy so I wouldn't be "burned" again. My always knowledgeable protector indicated by knowing the answer, it was now undone. He also noted how brave Easel had been to show me the answer.

This morning I started off with loud high pitched screams because of the blister. After speaking to my SO about my internal conversation, I realized that the pain didn't even evoke an eek. It's sore but on it's way to resolving already.

This is the part I couldn't make up if I wanted to. Early programming was in Germany and spoken in German. I've kept German and Russian dictionaries near me through my healing since realizing I had clues in those languages too. Easel goes with artist in English but "esel" in German means ass--which is the site of my pain. I don't know if it was a cigarette or something like a cigarette. But some kind of probe was used to burn me.

Fight Club goes with fires and a photo shoot prior to the release of Fight Club had Brad Pitt with fires and a bunny! It all goes together in a very complex puzzle in a way nothing else could go together. The proof will be if I ever have blisters again in "that" area of my body. With all the memories and truth coming out now, that would be a much welcome relief. I thought it was neat that collaging led directly the undoing of this previously unending painful problem. Yes, alters can be trained to do all kinds of things to the body. Typically that's reserved for very sophisticated programming, which, unfortunately, I had.

I'm very happy that Esel is now officially Easel and expressing herself beautifully. I guess that might sound conceited but I'm actually very proud of "her", who I know is making herself known as part of healed me. The United States of Tara is at 10 p.m. My hopes are way up for the series. Please watch if you have Showtime to gain an understanding of multiples. The show can go a long way toward erasing the horribly negative image we survivors have and continue to endure.

Project Mayhem

Some may recall the movie Fight Club. The storyline includes Brad Pitt as an alter of Edward Norton. From my perspective, the entire movie looked like the inside world of someone who was multiple. I'm not sure all main characters smoked, but both Brad Pitt and Helene Bonham Carter's characters were chain smokers. Brad, as Tyler, begins Project Mayhem to raise hell with the city government (as I recall). Why am I talking about Fight Club?

A recent post in Grace Uncensored spoke of the cigarette and/or cigar burns that occur as body memories and have never stopped throughout my healing. I recall having painful "sores" before memories. I just didn't tell anyone I had a problem I couldn't explain. My therapist and I agreed to work on undoing any residual programming in case the burns are the result of a kind of self-harm conditioning. That would mean an alter or alters are creating whatever chemical responses in my body are necessary to cause the painful blisters that always are in my genital area.

Last night I felt a blister begin in a very painful spot. I'm angry today that I haven't been able to stop this before now. With all the collages, I wondered what would happen if I just started putting pictures of cigarettes and cigars on a blank collage page. Not that anyone needs to understand the meaning of everything, but I was able to see the alter who is responsible for the burns or who has the answer to stop it. The burning of my very sensitive orifices began shortly after I was born, if not immediately after my birth. It may have been the first consistent trauma (painful sensation) to cause a split.

I couldn't get the answer by asking inside, but those with the answers in fused me were able to show me who was responsible for my distress and much more with art therapy. I'm still in awe of the synchronicity of finding Polyvore website so soon after the fusion but before the new brain connections began to overflow.

Clearly, you can see from the collage, it was not okay to be a girl.


Project Mayhem by grace2244

Art to deflect memory overload

I've been stuck in collage land for 23 days, with a total of 51 collages as of about 2 a.m. They are pouring out of me. I haven't been posting about it because it will be different for everyone--what they see. How they put things together. But I could already see I was using the same images or elements in several collages. I had them print out so I could move them around like a puzzle.

About three of them have similar words as well as the same littles. The word "obey" ties several into one memory. If I take another component and match all the collages with that, it's a different message. Whatever new brain connections are being made, it's happening fast and needs to get out. I would be overwhelmed with flashbacks or talking in the background if I didn't have this tool right now. You can see from my "production" level that my brain is bursting with new information.

Some is very sad. Some are answers I don't really want but suspected. At the rate I've been doing them, I would think it would be too much for someone to be THAT creative to make up this stuff and consistently relay the story of my past. I did something unusual today, or at least I thought it was. I showed my real life time line...each place I lived, the elementary school (I have no idea why I remember that), and something that went with that time in my life. Ballet and gymnastics went with my life from age 3 until 12. Gymnastics dominated my high school years.

Anyway, I have two real life collages depicting from birth through the Air Force after finally moving out of my house and away from my manipulative controlling father at age 19. The rest of my life is represented as a simple job behind a desk and my travels. Very neat collages. That was followed by one of my memories after the amnesia broke down and it looks like a mess. There are so many elements in it.


Memories by grace2244

Those two real life collages is what I thought my life was. Simple, boring, regular, neat, organized. I guess some of my rage at this happening to me is starting to show. Wonder how much longer I will need to get this new fusion stuff out. I miss doing my blog posts. Wanted to let you know what was going on. I think the puzzle aspect to the collages is really neat. They were not done in any particular order yet some of the later ones actually go with the earlier ones. Strange process.

Please remember there is now an Adult Survivors of Abuse group on Polyvore if you would like to try your hand at expressing yourself through collages. We have 11 members now. Hope to be back soon on a more regular basis.

Healing of the Christmas trauma

If you saw my collages Christmas Ballet and Happy Holidays at the Art Journey blog, you could see something terrible must have happened. The ballet collage was about a conscious memory I had of performing at age 3 in front of an audience. Pink tutu, ballet shoes. I sang "The Hokey Pokey". I have no memory of learning the song and dance (ballet and some somersaults) beforehand and I have no memory of anything after the performance. My collage connected that performance to maybe Christmas eve, but at least some kind of Christmas recital. For what? I didn't go to nursery school as we know it. The important message I got was that the date my sister "was killed" was Christmas Day.

Then came the Happy Holidays collage which clearly showed a huge disturbance and some kind of horrific trauma. I felt better after doing that particular collage but was happy to have my therapy appointment today. I was able to print out the collages for her. After telling her about my awful week, we decided to check inside to see if anything else needed to be resolved regarding the alters who recall that Christmas. It would have been the last Christmas Jane remembered so, in addition to littles being terrified, Jane is not so sure either.

As I went inside listening to my therapist, she asked if anyone needed help to heal who helped do the collage. I instantly sensed my entire Happy Holidays collage was a place inside me where everyone was still stuck in the trauma. I could feel the frozen fear. It was me. I was there. That "magical" moment when I am getting the memory and feel connected to it. It's the way therapists have stated someone healed from DID will feel. T asked what needed to happen get them out of that horrid place which was a bathroom but had the feel of something more industrial. I saw what happened inside before I had my own idea. We made a doorway into a beautiful spa where each was greeted by a caretaker or protector to help them clean off the yuck, give them warm fluffy robes and slippers, let them lounge comfortably, and have hot chocolate.

I could see them file out one by one. At least 10 were represented in the image, bigs and littles. I stayed where I was and my arms went up in the air like the photo on the Know Dissociation blog and like the arms coming through the shower curtain on the collage. T asked me who was stuck with their arms up. I said it was me. Was lying on her sofa with arms frozen up in the air. T does great body work and is always going to conferences on new techniques. She said she was moving close to me and asked permission to hold my hands while she tried something. After holding both hands she began to explain how what happened was not my fault or anybody's fault. As she spoke she very slowly began lowering my arms. Before my arms were half way down, I was sobbing. It was me at 3. And am pretty sure that was the last time I felt connected to my body.

After the session, she asked which little was speaking to her. I said I didn't know. Maybe it was me at that age...not an alter. Just me at the time I froze and whatever part of me could go into hiding did so. Everyone just wanted out the yuck and to feel clean and safe and warm. When I came home, I felt compelled to do my spa collage. Throughout my healing I had many messages there were three Graces, because of the core splits. The spa collage indicates the three Graces through Philosophy's products--Amazing Grace, Pure Grace, and Baby Grace. Other Philosophy words and products are incorporated.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Most of whatever happened 53 years ago moved out of the stuckness and into a wonderful internal place. Maybe this was my time to become one and have the experience of being one during the memory process. It was a little different, but I was well aware they were MY arms. I love spa time. It was very easy to imagine the wonderful pampering I receive during my spa days and searched the internet for the photos of cleansing and calm for all who were rescued. As quickly as these collages are coming out of me, I obviously have a lot to say without words.

Hope you enjoy this peaceful collage. Wishing all a safe time through this next week.

Diffusing harm alters

This is a technique my system already developed for me. I haven't seen it written as a technique anywhere. Will share trying to translate from both survivor/therapist perspective. I firmly believe this safe way of acting out harm programming saved my life...likely more than once. To engage in this technique, you must have acquired several coping skills and be comfortable with them. One is the ability to watch from the screening room a/k/a projection room.

Secondly, you must have protectors or caretaker alters who are strong and say they have the ability to do this. You can ask after you get all the details. If you don't have strong protectors, you can place protectors inside of you for this purpose. I tended to internalize television or movie characters who were strong and safe (to me). Some actors look kinda scary. I chose protectors who could handle me as a little...hugs were safe and telling me something was not okay was heeded (sorta). Loving discipline. But also able to handle adult who came out swinging or wanting to engage in harmful activities to self or others. You can use superheroes too.

Hopefully you have a main protector who will work with you on doing this because modifications might be needed for this to work in your system. My first cue to using what I called "The Halfway House" was feeling an urgency to SI or run away or go away or acquire something harmful. The purpose of the halfway house is to watch an alter act out his or her "programming" (trained job) in a safe manner.

I started out with the setting being my safe place. But I watched as a movie and "placed" the alter in the setting. Sometimes I didn't know which alter was causing the compulsions but she would show up when I did this technique. For me, I almost always had adult or little females, but occasionally had a young male alter.

These were the rules for the halfway house:
Only one alter in the halfway house at a time.
All necessary internal resources are available.
No matter what the alter does, s/he will be saved/rescued/live.
Once saved, the alter remains in protective care somewhere in the system where s/he can heal because she will have seen what was supposed to have happened to her/the body.

This may be triggering to some because of unhealed messages of SI. And if you are able to make this resource available, SI alters are welcome to come forward and ask to use it. Other times you may have to use it to be safe because you *know* something bad is supposed to happen.

This is a movie. You watch it as an adult which means littles are in a safe place unless there are littles who go with the alter to be in the halfway house. (By the way, you can call this place whatever you like.) I used to have an army of protectors initially...about eight because I could outsmart (at least temporarily) whatever safety measures were in place. I haven't used the halfway house in a very long time, thank goodness, although I used it briefly when Ellie was feeling so sad, wondering why she felt she needed to die and if she had a "plan".

In my internal world, I lived in a lovely mansion :-) My room had it's own bathroom which was always a source of concern for protectors. Because you know the kind of trouble we can get into in there! A protector was always assigned to keep guard over the bedroom and *me*. I was/am a different kind of child/adult as the inner adult. Thank goodness I've stopped acting out all that sh*t.

Whatever your set up is, have a separate contained room as part of the main safe place to begin with the halfway house. All protectors assigned to the halfway house will have their strategy which you don't need to know. You just need to watch to make sure you have time to follow through...when you are ready to go to bed at night, go inside and watch. Or take time for a nap but do this exercise instead. What you learn about the alter's ultimate objective may be upsetting to you so self care coping skills are also essential.

Ready? Let the protectors give you the "go ahead". You go into the movie screening room and sit back and watch as one of you takes up residence in the halfway house. Will give you an example. The movie starts and I can hear water running. A protector checks on the occupant and sees she is taking a shower which looks innocent enough. She confesses to wanting to cut so protector makes sure no razors are in shower area or in bathroom/bedroom at all. Alter becomes frustrated, angry, enraged and begins to scream and pound fists on glass shower wall. Protectors coaching her through anger but want her out of the glass enclosure to continue (safe anger). Sudden loud crashing of glass as alter throws herself through the glass landing on the floor cut and bleeding.

Immediate 911 call and protectors tending to her. She is fine at (internal) hospital. You and your system now know what was supposed to have happened--cut self any way possible with major damage. Now alter's messages can be healed. The lies about her having to die can be addressed.

Sometimes I've watched the alter sneak out of the house and take off in a car to go somewhere isolated. Magic works for the halfway house. For instance, if alter goes to jump off building, you can have Superman get to her. Or instantly there is fire department below who can catch her. Whatever you see happening, she will rescued and live. That's the rule.

A few internal techniques. Protectors knew how to anticipate escapist behaviors. GPS on car to track whereabouts. Cell phone with GPS if she finds GPS on car. There's always a one upmanship in strategy.

Feel free to ask questions. Have never attempted to put this into writing before. It should work for all as long as you have the strength and coping skills noted in the beginning. If not, and you are in therapy, maybe your therapist can help you through a similar scenario during a session. Wishing all of you a safe December.

What if an alter wants to die?

For several years I attended S.M.A.R.T. conferences to learn more about the abuse I had endured and meet fellow survivors I had met online in a support group. I also attended numerous sessions each day. I'm not recalling the name of the presenter, and my comments in no way are meant to be critical of her, but I did have a strong reaction to her topic. I'm leading into this topic slowly because it is potentially very triggering. The ultimate conclusion should be a decision made by both you and your therapist in a thoughtful caring way and in a way that is right for you and your system. It's not a decision anyone can make for you.

The survivor presentation was focused on how she allowed an alter to die, only after much thought, internal discussion, and discussion with her therapist. The system honored the alter's wishes, allowed her to die, and gave her a funeral. The survivor felt relieved and the overwhelming sadness that had swept the system by the alter was a release for all. The special internal ceremony honored the alter's deep desire to die. I didn't stay for the entire presentation. I felt so opposed to allowing any part of me to die. It was my first or second year of healing and I was too raw to listen. That was never going to happen to me. Period.

A few years later, following my second integration, Ellie came forward overwhelmed with grief and sadness. I did not understand at the time she had become disconnected from Jane internally and that was the source of her distress. I just knew the integration caused her to feel isolated and severely depressed. I was not certain I would survive her strong desire to die. During one of my therapy sessions during that time, I asked if maybe I should allow Ellie to die if that's what she needed to do. Otherwise, I was afraid her wishes would cross over into my consciousness making me actively suicidal. We discussed the various options and Ellie was able to express her wishes. She did not want to live in the body. It was decided that part of her would integrate into my male inner wisdom (who was simultaneously inside the body and out in the greater universal consciousness (my best term). The rest of her was allowed to disperse into the astral plane. Ellie lived on in a different way inside me and beyond.

I don't know if part of her returned or a part of her never left that I felt the sadness since October that went with her and the two littles in the "feeling of death." Those three did integrate and I explained how Ellie had integrated into me while Jane was a separate entity sharing conscious space with me. It was the reunion of Ellie and Janie/Jane that drove this final integration.

What if I had allowed Ellie to die as she wished? Would integration have been able to be complete ever for me? Was it part of the abusers' plan that Ellie wanting to die would keep me from ever fully healing? Today in one of my quiet moments when I could have an internal conversation with Jane, she shared that it was planned that Ellie would be separated from her because that emotional bond of Ellie needing to be joined with Jane drove the integration last week. I had hoped to share space with Jane equally to have a satisfactory life working with her. My therapist did point out that for several years I've been not sure of wanting to know "everything" if I fully integrated. Well the integration happened, much to my surprise, and in a gulp of "OMG, it's happening." In feeling that rush of love between Ellie and Jane, I knew it was right regardless of my personal feelings.

I have not had any flooding of memories. I have had slow messages and clarification. I knew from the time I was diagnosed that I was meant to integrate to heal. And my inner wisdom did lead my healing. It was planned from beginning to end. There were no accidents. Why doesn't that happen for everyone? I wish I could clone my inner wisdom and send him to all who are struggling. When all else was bleak, I had/have such unrelenting faith for this higher self who somehow came to be with me.

The good news is that all have an inner wisdom who can help and guide. Sometimes that protector communicates to the therapist rather than the body to aid the healing. Many are afraid of who is inside them. Step 1: Embrace your parts. If I can offer any advice on how to best begin, that is it.

Such a tricky path we have to take toward healing. The abusers set us up to fail at healing at every turn. Listen to your heart. Make the decisions you KNOW are right for you. If you aren't sure on matters such as this, time is on your side. Wait until you do know the answer. I am ever so glad Ellie was able to express her wish wasn't to die as much as not to be connected to the body. She is connected now with her beloved Jane and she is so happy.

Photo: If Ellie had been allowed to die, she would have died in the highly traumatized state shown in the art blog. Instead she lived to heal to be a beautiful and loving part of me.