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If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Oct 4, 2010

That moment of gritty reality

Yesterday I attended an online interview to hear Darlene Ouimet, author of Emerging from Broken, speak of her healing from DID. Listening to her brought up several key moments in my healing life. Darlene spoke of digging down to the bottom of the crud that had built up over the years and beginning anew with a smooth, supportive surface. I liked the analogy, but it also snapped me back to my moment of dreadful reality.

Coming out of an invisible shield of amnesia leaves one feeling lost. Believing one has been a multiple is part of the same timing, or was for me. OMG I'm a multiple; OMG I've had amnesia for most of my life! I came to grips with being a multiple rather quickly and had support to learn some immediate coping skills.

Memories went quickly from f*ther abuse to f*ther in a graveyard with others. Research about ritual abuse led to information on government abuse. I had no memories yet but had also completed probably 100 collages by then showing much government imagery.  Just curious. Joined a list sharing internet info about government programs. One day I opened an email that described an "arm" of MK-Ultra that explained every collage and memory I'd had to date.

That was my moment. A sickening dread that what I hoped could not possibly be true was true. Even if there was some propaganda in what I read, the main details went with me. Complete devastation, collapsed to the ground, sobbing that I had no idea who I was or what life I had lived. The realization that my conscious memory was only a tiny part of my entire life.

In addition, a tsunami of fear swept over me taking me to edge of paranoia that someone was going to kill me because I was remembering.

Many have come forward in the last decade and here we are holding each other's hands because few others dare look at the facts behind our reality. I've come to grips with that more or less. I'm here. I'm considerably healed. I feel blessed to have had the help from good therapists and friends and a safe new family to overcome what happened to me.

Thank you, Darlene. We made it. We survived. We won by surviving. We will have to be our own cheering section until others join in our knowledge of government corruption. Oh how I wished Barack Obama would become president and not be snowed by insiders. That maybe it would stop. There's still hope, I guess.


Darlene Ouimet said...

Hi Grace,
Thanks for mentioning my interview and my blog in your article today. I can relate to the shock followed by fear.. and everything in between.
I am grateful for the freedom I have found today, I rarely worry about the missing memories anymore. I can live now. I am glad that we found each other along the way!
Hugs, Darlene

Anonymous said...

So much hope!
When Obama came up I thought finally someone who will stand up to the organized torture, will shed light on the inhumanity our country has perpetrated. The day he said his admin was looking forward not back it broke that hope. With this new apology some 60 years late, there seems no hope for our truths to be heard, the Church hearings aside.

Still there are the survivors and we are talking, we are hearing each other, our reality speaks volumes. For now we help each other which is no little thing. Every Way Back Room we discover proves the governments shame and culpability. Your voice has given us courage.