When An Abuser Dies

I am certain every survivor will deal with this issue in their own unique way, hopefully with the help and support of friends and therapist. Those with "structured" or sophisticated DID almost always have multiple perpetrators throughout life. Although one child who developed DID from one abusive relative, may also have several abusers throughout life. Perpetrators have a knack for targeting the vulnerable.

When the main abuser(s) are still alive, depending on the level of contact the victim has maintained with them, they may not recall the abuse until after the death. Several times I have known people who did not begin remembering until the death of both parents.

My first memory was father abuse and later came the covert government and military ties along with abusers who were also the original scientists and government figures who were involved in MK-Ultra. I knew who most of my abusers/programmers were. They were the same. The doctors, scientists, and government people were also either pedophiles or knew that frequent sexual abuse maintained the dissociative process. At the time of my memories, several abusers were still alive.

Since they were all prominent, news of their death was often quite public. Most I had already recovered memories; but for at least two, more information surfaced after their death.

I used to think my father's job was "only" to maintain the level of terror and abuse at home when I was not with the program officials. I now believe he was a main player in that military intelligence/CIA/covert world. I received validation within the past two months. My father was an advisor to Vietnam in 1961 which was defined in a documentary as code for CIA before the full "war" broke out. Memories had surfaced of him being with me in settings with other programmers.

I have stated before I grew up in fear of him. After knowing of my DID and subsequent memories, I fully understand the depth of my terror for him. I have not lived near my family since the 70s and my last visit was around the mid-1990s. Earlier this week, I learned my father had passed away.

Initially I had relief that he could never terrorize or hurt me again. Throughout the day many emotions and thoughts surfaced...none of them grief. Part of me was just hoping I would not have to remember any other abuse involving him. It felt as if the news was just traveling through all parts of me and each was having their own reaction.

I had a doctor appointment early evening. After returning home and watching my favorite television shows, I decided to see the online obituary. I knew he had disowned me, but, as far as I knew, my mother and sisters still considered me a part of the family...just the crazy black sheep. However, the obituary did not mention me as one of the daughters. He did manage to get in the final blow. Am guessing if he disavowed knowledge of my existence, he was saying he took no responsibility for his actions.

The real impact came from what that meant to me for the future. Was I also dead to my mother and sisters? I don't have that answer. It's very unsettling. It took a day of emotional turmoil to realize nothing had changed. It still wasn't safe for me to be around my family even if they wanted me to be. So what difference did it really make?

While I would not wish healing from DID on anyone, especially now that my sisters are 55 and 60, in my heart I would like to have the validation while my mother is still alive that he was the person who hurt me beyond what most of the world can believe.

One thing is certain following an abuser's death: emotional turmoil. But we survivors know how to deal with emotional turmoil. We can get past it to get on with our healing toward a more complete and fulfilling life.