For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Apr 23, 2011

Tinkerbelle Programming

As a child programmed according to government design/blueprint/neuorophysics or whatever was done, what I found is likely to be in other survivors. So please use caution when reading if you are a survivor. My programming may not be the same but I prefer to place a warning. I did have many Disney characters within but I called them "fractured fairytales", a term from The Rocky & Bullwinkle Show. Internal stories were intentionally confusing.

While Mickey Mouse was not a story, he was made to be a primary character/essence within me. Initially seeing Mickey Mouse was benign. The programming that led me to seek safety at a facility included Mickey Mouse as the master demon inside me. I'm actually grateful for not having the terror along the road of healing. I will never know if that was the doing of my protector or simply how my healing path arose.

Tinkerbelle had appeared early in healing as a helpful part. I first recall her volunteering to find hidden gyroscopes inside to help stop a major spinning program which made me feel dizzy and nauseous non-stop. After her help, the program slowed down and came to a halt within a day or two. The next time Tinkerbelle came up, she came up with other alters named after characters from Peter Pan. I had thought Peter Pan was the devil placed within me. I also had tremendous confusion about my sisters. Tinkerbelle seemed to "go with" my younger sister but then I would immediately get a conflicting message about my older sister. I did guided imagery to send the parts back to whom they belonged. I realize now no one ever was more of a containment exercise to tuck those alters safely away until I could deal with the programming.

It didn't dawn on me that I might have several Tinkerbelles. Through Polyvore processing my first year, I figured out the very confusing Alice in Wonderland crap we mind control survivors all seem to have. My Alice turned out to be the fusion of Dorothy from Oz, Alice of Wonderland, Tink, and Belle (four alters). I thought all was healed with that integration.

But the programming that led me to the hospital for safety was older and younger sister trauma bonding. The younger sister was connected to Tinkerbelle all along and I believe it was another version of Tink that flew up into my neck at The Center.

This past week I had a session with my therapist explaining something was still in the back of my neck and I kept having disturbing images of knives and pills. My Polyvore sets showed me there was a second Tinkerbelle hidden behind the programming. If the programming were to be dismantled, she simply had the "job" of killing the body. She wasn't a program but she was very strong willed.

I felt sorry for my therapist. Tink "flew" out with an angry voice telling her "I hate you". I was listening from the background. She had been kept hidden deep inside and only knew a world of lies to include that love was pain and pain was love. My therapist countered all the lies and invited her to peek into the world inside where all the others had healed...a world she had been told was dangerous and filled with lies. But she did let that wall down and chose to cross over to the healing side.

Once in Spencer's world, there was no going back but she was asked to consider her options before fleeing. My head actually felt and moved as if an entity were flying around like a moth trapped in a jar. She has settled down and shown me through Polyvore how there were many Tinkerbelles in the system. While I've still had the occasional image of my own demise, I think it is due to her lack of tolerance of the head pain of my current concussion. Now that she knows pain is not love, she despises pain and I have thoughts of not being able to live with the pain. So I guess I can't blame her. I'll have to believe it will get better in 3 to 4 weeks.

Last night I either was lucid dreaming or thinking and fell asleep but distinctly recalled the name of a television show. I couldn't remember this morning so Googled television shows of the 80s and then the 90s and found Picket Fences. Tink was telling me her prison was picket fences. I love the set she did this morning because Dr. Doyle at the center had used stars as a symbol of hope for me when I was depressed. I hope this means she is now safe to the body and choosing to heal.

I wish I'd had the opportunity to truly love my sisters. I see how the programming was designed for us never to be close. But I can develop a close and loving internal relationship.


Anonymous said...

Tried posting a comment so will post it on FB arrgh! Not having much luck with my logins.

Grace said...

I published this because I'm growling at Blogger & Google about my login too. Thanks for the effort. I know you retweet every Polyvore set♥♥♥