44° North - Explaining the Unexplicable

Apparently I've never written of this part of my healing. At least searching my blog yields no results for key words. Early in healing I had a protector who went with 44N. I had no idea what it meant at the time except that it was a brand of clothing. In 2005, my now husband and I took a trip to Italy. One of the locations I happened to find online: a gorgeous view from a bed & breakfast atop a hill in Cinque Terre. We did our own itinerary. We were able to get reservations at THE B&B whose website I'd found. The trip was booked. Before the vacation, I began to get internal messages as I always do. But I was getting 44N so loudly. Eventually I started looking up the cities we were to stay in to see what longitude and latitude they were. Milan was too far north and Tuscany too far south. Cinque Terre was 44.1° N. At first I was frightened I was going to relive some trauma when I visited. My inner wisdom assured me I'd be fine and see the answers in my photos when I returned.

Indeed, I did see things in my photos and also began to feel healing. It was Gracie who surfaced and who recently integrated into my heart in early June this year. This is the photo that most impacted me.

I hadn't noticed at the time I took the photo that the branches of the vine or olive tree formed the shape of a heart.

I'd had a previous experience with 44°N and this new experience solidified that it meant great healing. Soon my husband and I are off to Paris and Avignon for vacation. Brian had chosen Avignon which sounded perfect to me. My last post in this blog had me processing trauma constantly connected to Iran when I again got hit repeatedly with the 44N message. I immediately checked Paris which was too high. Avignon, however, is 44.0° N. I nearly fainted. Brian said it was impossible because he thought it was so much further south than Italy. Not the case.

My internal processing shifted from Iran (my early teen years) to a huge trauma that shattered my three-year-old being in Germany in 1955. I got the memory in a very detailed manner as well as how part of me split off during the trauma and escaped to 44N in France. New pictures of her showed her healed and an adult. This brings the term "parallel universe" into play. How did that happen? Is it just a story given to me that is coincidental to my travels? How did I manage to go to 44°N twice without conscious realization? And why couldn't they return to me instead of my going to them?

When this message surfaced I was driven (obsessed) to make sure I had saved all of my Polyvore sets...a project that had been more done than not. I dove in and saved every relevant set since the beginning. I also found two DVDs with Polyvore sets from four years ago, the beginning of Polyvore for me and the end of handmade collages. Within those long forgotten sets I could see that most of my programmed system began with that trauma in 1955. Rose represented something programmers wanted eliminated from my being. Her destruction was targeted and resulted in half of her remaining in the trauma as what they wanted her to be and her other half escaped as Rose. I also found a frightening set that clearly showed programming for me to self-destruct should Gracie and Rose ever reunite within me.

I then understood why there were two separate 44N locations. It was dangerous for them to have escaped together. The programming was undone early in 2011 when I had such a difficult time and had overdosed because of a perp part hidden inside despite several previous integrations. It hadn't been safe for Rose to return until that perp and his associated alters were healed. Since then Gracie integrated. It is now safe.

Sets of Rose show her closely connected to Mother Mary. In Avignon is a beautiful gold statue of Mother Mary where logic tells me I might encounter this part of me; but logic has never really worked in the past. I had no idea going to Italy what 44°N meant but, now that I do, I am so excited as are several inside who had been strongly connected to Rose before she left. Most thought she had died but some showed me in my art that they knew of the secret of her hiding and healing.

Call it what you want. The story comes from within but this is only my second European vacation and the only two I've had with Brian. So many questions to be asked of the universe. A sort of invisible miracle? Regardless, healing is healing. I'll take it however it comes to me.

This set was done in February 2009 and named Rose - Safe in a Parallel Universe. She goes with the nautilus, pink roses, and hearts. The following set shows she has emerged from the shell and is awaiting "rescue".

 

I'm looking forward to writing of the reunion when I return...if it happens while I'm there. It did take Gracie several months to make her internal presence known and seven years to integrate.

Heart Journey

On July 15, 2012, I posted to my Art Journey blog a series of Polyvore sets created after the healing event described in my last post on this blog. Gracie, the one who originally identified with the teddy bear but emerged as the young woman, has provided me with answers about her connection to the hearts and love and pink stairs. As with any part of my healing, it’s a puzzle that comes together.

Somewhere early in this blog I speak of guided imagery CDs and downloads by Belleruth Naparstek. I own many but tend to favor a few. Before I knew of the alternative media, my therapist read the very powerful Healing Trauma imagery to me while I was comfortably lying on her sofa. The imagery has one imagine going into the heart. I was in tears the first time and felt strong emotion the first few times I listened to it myself. Slowly I seemed to have less emotional response and very few changes happened over the years I’ve listened to it. When entering the heart, we see our piles of blame and shame and shards and heaps of our shattered lives along with sudden geysers of terror. But it leads to a golden light which is the tunnel to center of the heart. The center of the heart is a beautiful room where our true self resides. The imagery then leads us out of the room and back up through the darker crumpled area. After staring at the Polyvore sets with the hearts, I felt I needed to listen to my Healing Trauma again since it had been awhile.

Yesterday afternoon, after a long tiring day, I layed down turning on my Healing Trauma imagery. Before I continue, a brief reminder that Gracie had moved from my eye to my ear and then suddenly integrated with me during which I had a wonderful feeling that has not left my being. In the beginning of the imagery, there is a “presence at my side” who is usually one of my male protectors. Yesterday it was my female protector. She took my hand and led me into the heart. Everything had changed. It was all beautiful and golden. What used to be the ugly part of my life now looked like an art museum. The various facets of my shattered past were commemorated in gold framed museum art work. Velvet ropes were in place to stand back from the art. A “geyser of terror” still existed but was far in the distance and surrounded by the ropes. The words of the imagery really no longer went with my internal landscape for the dark entry way toward the tunnel.

Walking through the gold lighted tunnel before getting to the center of the heart, Gracie was lying on the ground and seemed to be all dusty. My protector and I both helped her up and dusted her off. It’s that moment I realized she was literally thrown into my heart. Perhaps she had to join with me before she could leave the heart. She and I hugged, after which she stepped into me while we were facing each other. I felt her turn around to face the same direction as me and she fit into me perfectly. My protector continued to lead us into the core of my heart in the beautiful golden room. When we left to ascend the tunnel to the upper level, it was the beautiful pink stairs of my Polyvore sets.

Clues leading back to hand made collages have been popping into my head showing me that this part of me was going to heal but I wasn’t ready to know the full meaning until now. Gracie goes with dreams I’ve had. Years of clues about her and being hidden in my eye have been recorded in art. Had it not been for the cataracts, who knows if she ever would have moved out of her safe haven. Remarkable. Healing is remarkable.

Something In My Eye

May and June brought some scary moments as well as deep healing. Mostly it's been quiet inside throughout end of 2011 sinus surgery followed by six weeks of IV antibiotics. Unfortunately the antibiotics which included sulfa drugs may have caused the rapid onset of cataracts. I'd had great vision with my glasses for years with only minor correction except for astigmatism. I was scheduled for cataract surgery for right eye in May and left eye in June. The first surgery went so smoothly. Easiest surgery ever in case anyone is wondering.

Between the surgeries I began to have anxiety and some dangerous things almost happen with my left eye blocking my sight for cars. I realized someone was causing that to happen. My last car accident a couple years ago I only remember being at the stop sign. Next memory is my face in an air bag. Someone had hit me mid-intersection flying from the left. Always wondered if that hadn't been a part of me. I began processing on Polyvore. Over and over I was being shown me at age 3 and images of a teddybear. It took many sets before I realized the teddybear was how the 3-year-old saw herself. Trapped, unable to move. She was being held by an adult male part of me who I initially knew as an internal perp.

Without going through a lot of "clue talk", the story that emerged was the broken 3-year-old had been cared for by the now safe adult male and was keeping her hidden in the corner of my left eye. I know it sounds weird. Obviously something was creating danger but may have been a cry for help I hadn't heard in the last accident. The upcoming cataract surgery on my left eye was causing "fear of destruction". With internal work I was able to safely have her moved from my eye and felt the movement into my ear and then a beautiful healing moment.

The adult male was part of Spencer, my inner wisdom, and the 3-year-old was released to be with my female protector, "Emmie". It felt like freedom...free spirit. Wonderful feeling.

When I first began processing with images, I feared feeling all the hurt and pain the 3-year-old had borne. When I felt nothing but genuine happiness, I knew the adult with her had been helping her heal and preparing her for that moment. The feeling of happiness and even joy has remained with me. It feels like a permanent change in emotional strength. Several times I've received bad news and other things have happened that, in the past, would have knocked down into the depression pit. I have sufficient emotional strength to feel sad about those things but move on in spite of it.

Recently, I joined several girlfriends for a girl's night out...my first truly social event with my friends since 2007. Everyone commented on how happy I seemed and I genuinely felt joy the entire evening. This is not to say I am completely healed, although I wish I were. Yesterday I hit a curb while driving causing my tire to explode and stranding me in a not so safe area. I was able to call AAA and my fiance who, bless his heart, jumped in his car to come to my aid. I was terrified being alone waiting for anyone to arrive. Coping skills, coping skills.

Still have some work to do but am very pleased to be at a new positive emotional place in my life. I do hope it lasts. Being or having this level of happiness feels like what all the pain of healing was meant to do.

P.S. The 3-year-old seems to have transformed into a young adult since my healing sets of late seem to show this part of me feeling the freedom.