For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Nov 9, 2008

The dreaded self-nurturing

Healing from those devastating messages and inflicted trauma that cause a child to skip developmental stages and cause them to view their bodies as a betrayal to their very existence is an extraordinary ordeal. This is the part of healing that, to me, sucks the most. While, as adults, we do not need to directly go through a safe, caring, loving childhood, the wounded littles do. What we didn't receive from protective primary care givers when we were children, we are able to give to ourselves.

This sounds logical and doable and it is. But for the survivors, it's a huge "That's Not Fair!" We were entitled to protective caring parents but were denied. Now, as adults, we still inherently want to unconditional love due to a child but feels vastly unfair that we have to do it for our own littles. Granted there are usually internal protectors and gentle caretakers whose job is to "reparent" littles. That does not fulfill that need of always wanting to have been loved. It is different for all, but I tended to be a cuddly person always loving holding hands and curling up and being held--oblivious to my doing so to "to do it the right way".

I didn't have too much of a problem allowing this reparenting to happen internally. I was rarely a direct part in it. I was busy holding myself together without worrying about fulfilling nuturing and safety needs for the littles. But I still never had the loving parents I see in movies and in real life. With a supportive significant other, it is possible for the adult self to ask to be held and hugged with safe touching as a little or an adult. SO's who are supportive and take the time to understanding at least on a basic level what is going on with their multiple spouse are open to such requests and often know the littles by voice and behaviors soon after their appearance.

Having an SO or friend dictate several children's stories onto a tape is another good reparenting technique. Depending on sex of main abuser(s), you may have a preference as to male or female voice. And the voice is known to the littles and is a secure feeling.

Taking special time to do something just for the littles can be a fun activity. Your going for icecream, for example, can be a littles outing by allowing some kind of voting process inside for the final order. In fact, a means for internal cooperation is for littles to promise to stay inside during a certain event in exchange for a fun outing later. My littles loved to go to the Disney store.

This doesn't erase the abuse that happened. It allows for the littles to go through a normal developmental process in their own healing. Some littles stay littles, others grow to be another age. So many variables. Also, the internal healing is a much faster rate than externally. A little who has moved into a healing place inside is terrified and not wanting to be around others may show up again in a few weeks curious about playing with other littles. It's amazing to watch them heal.

Does that ache of never having had a loving, protective, mother or father ever go away? I don't know. It hasn't for me. But I'm past wanting to change my birth parental units into the good guys. My wish would be to have been born to a loving family. In my internal world, I am loved and nurtured and accepted no matter what. I wouldn't change that.

The world I want to change and that needs to change is the one that allows so many pedophiles to go on unchallenged in this world.


Anonymous said...

Wow! Your blog is so helpful. I have not endured the level of hurt and pain that you have endured, but I was abused physically and emotionally from age 3-8 years old and my psyche suffers considerably.

Much of what you describe is understandable to me. While I don't go as far as you do, reading your blog posts which share the infrastructure of your mind and thinking gives great insight for me and my mind as well. I can relate.

It feels good to know that someone else deals with some of the same things...

I found your blog last night at 10pm and haven't stopped reading it (except to sleep and go to the store). It is now almost 5pm the next day!

I appreciate your openness and honesty, and want you to know your posts are helping me very much. Thank you.

Grace said...

Dear Anonymous, Thank you so very much for your lovely comments about my blog. My intent is to help others like you. Please accept my apology for the delay in acknowledgment. I have impaired vision and have not been online much. Hopefully the vision issue will be resolved in 2-3 weeks.