For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Nov 13, 2008

A world of clues


I mentioned "clue talk" in my last post. My experience with my inner wisdom synchronizing with my external world to prepare me for a memory is the awesome part of the healing journey. It's a lesson in how we can do things subconsciously while wide awake and have idea what we are doing. When the moment of realization sets in, it's an incredible scary but good thrill. An OMG OMG moment.

In my life before knowing of the amnesia, I surrounded myself with certain objects and art. Some items went through years of relocating. My writing was also something, in retrospect, that became a profound validation to my memories.

Something I know that has happened for others, especially with the internet, is, that in typing, you begin to use a certain word repeatedly. A few weeks ago I was using "arsenal". An arsenal of coping skills, an arsenal of tools. The memory that came up was when we lived at a military base which was called an arsenal. Just be mindful of when that happens. Another way a clue can eek out is that you consistently mistype a word. You know how to type it but it keeps coming out another way. That is likely another part of you wanting you to know something. The meaning at the time is not important. It's the noticing...awareness...that is key.

I shared in my last post about the secret meaning of bunnies. I have had rabbit or bunnies in some form throughout my life...as pets, statues, stuffed animals. One of my first memories was of a bunny meeting a tragic end, of course because of my fault...at the age of 3. I also received my "reminder object" bear when I was 3. hmmm. Oops, this is about helping you!

Some alters seemed to go with certain objects which later had meaning. My little who went with skeletons and bunnies had no sense of self and knew only pain. But recently bunnies re-entered my life, first as an image in one of my videos, then as an icon, then "spontaneously" having to buy a brown bunny. I actually went to my favorite Boyd's BEAR store to look for a bunny the other day. Boyd's does have bunnies but not the bunny I "needed". My favorite book has always been The Velveteen Rabbit, a story about a stuffed animal bunny who becomes real after he is loved by a human. Strong identification with finding all that abandonment and loneliness attached to a bunny. One symbol has had many meanings.

One of the creepiest clues I had was when another little went with hearts. I probably had five heart necklaces and dishes in the shape of hearts. I didn't realize how many hearts I did have around me until I met the little. The magnitude of the collection had been completely out of my awareness. The trauma memory that went with the little was her remembering she had to hold a heart in her hand but dropped it. Horrid things happened to her for not holding onto the heart. This was the beginning of my memories and wasn't believing what I was seeing or hearing from inside although it was well documented in the collages that came to life after her giving me the memory. It was about this stage that I was heavily researching abuse with ceremonies and rituals looking for answers.

Several days after the memory, I was walking from a store to my car thinking about the heart message. That had been so traumatic for me. It had to be some made up story. It was then I began feeling the car keys in the palm of my hand. I looked down and my key chain had a large red jelly-like heart from a pet store. I'd had it for so long it had become invisible to me. When I saw that heart sitting in my palm, I needed an airlift out of the parking lot. Honestly, it was that huge. It also explains my "dropping PTSD". If anything even feels like it is slipping out of my hand, a blood curdling startle scream emanates from me. It's one of my last really bad PTSD triggers. It doesn't matter what the object is...it could have no value whatsoever. The PTSD goes with the feeling that something is coming out of my grasp. That kind of trigger remaining so entrenched goes with something falling out of my hand.

Possibly that's my only validation for the memory, but having the traumatic reaction to seeing that red heart in my hand was validation enough for me that something happened with a heart. It could have been a prop heart for like a movie, but it was real to me at the age of the memory--likely age 5.

I've probably mentioned before, but opening yourself to being given clues from the outside world will help insiders give you information that will help you make sense of an upcoming memory or give you pieces to a memory that would not otherwise surface as easily. I've had clues come at me from billboards (an image or words appearing very large). I used to have someone inside download itunes while *I* was browsing that would show up on my playlist. Clues can come from songs. They can come from anywhere if you let them.

The more ways your alters can communicate with you, the more they are able to ameliorate the process of memory. It can be quick and trauma minimized. Or it can be long and agonizing, especially if you tend to fight knowing or hearing. For me, there has always been a reason to know. I think the only reason I really needed to get to my recent memory is that I was going to watch Dexter and that memory would have been triggered in an awful way.

Sixth sense is very much a part of people with DID. Through sensory deprivation and constantly being in a state of fear, all of our senses were heightened. It can work very much in your favor when it is time to heal. Protectors know what is coming up for you. I don't know how; they just do.

Embrace the knowledge your alters hold and the wisdom inside to present you with information as it is needed. Healing will go faster. You still have to rip the bandaid off, but it's a fast ouch. And that's far better than a long agonizingly slow pull.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

The more I've thought about all of this the more I believe that the perps never figured on what a tremendous tool the internet could turn out to be for those of us looking for answers and trying to heal. Thanks again for all you do. I feel a little more courage every time I read here.

Grace said...

Thank you for your kind comment. I read an article yesterday for and by psychologists stating how unhealthy it is to have websites like mine...because it only encourages people to engage in the same mental dysfunction. Is that not crazy!

Or maybe their discussing their own biases made them so cynical. Let's what else might the internet be used for? Just in case, please be sure to use Purell after reading this blog. We don't want DID to be contagious, do we?

Anonymous said...

Too late for me to bother with the Purell. I was diagnosed with DID before finding this blog, not after, lol. I've been searching the net for the past month trying to figure out what in the world I'm dealing with. I've always known something was "different" about the way I'm put together, but how do you get to be in your mid-forties and go through half a dozen therapists before ending up with this diagnosis? I really wonder... where would I be now if all those years hadn't been wasted with useless "professional advice" like, "You're just too sensitive. We need to find a way to toughen you up." Ugh.

Grace said...

I'm hoping to change that in some way...the nation's perspective of DID. I don't know the exact statistic but it takes about 8-10 years for someone to be properly diagnosed as DID. It's really not difficult to diagnose. It's therapists taking the time to learn to work with clients who have DID. Although some are willing to learn for you. Can you call around to therapists and ask for recommendations to someone who works with dissociation? The one most recommended would be a good start.

Anonymous said...

It seems I've finally found a T who knows what's going on with me. She explained about the dissociation and now I realize I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. She's totally different than anyone I've worked with before. We've only been working together for a few months and are just starting to figure things out I think. I'm flipping back and forth between really wanting help and being afraid to try. I think I've found the right T, now I need to get myself together enough to get somewhere with her. I have a feeling this is going to take forfreakingever...

Grace said...

Oh, good. I realized you must have found someone who did properly diagnose you after my last comment. One day at a time. Don't think timeframe. One alter to heal at a time. I understand the fear of the unknown...but going towards healing is never a bad decision.