For First Time Visitors

If you are a first time visitor to this blog, I invite you to start from the beginning, especially if you are unfamiliar with the potential emotional impact of long-term child abuse.

Trigger caution to unhealed survivors!

Understanding the Incomprehensible

Children of incest or long-term sexual abuse grow up to be wounded adults with complicated emotional issues. Unfortunately, some symptoms are misinterpreted or often dismissed as "crazy", only serving to maintain a tormented victim status. We, as a society, have the power to change this dynamic. Each of us can make a difference.

Dec 15, 2010

More Realizations--What Could Have Been

Since writing my earlier post, new information and puzzle pieces have been landing in my head. I'm on Facebook so some followers of the blog may have already read this in a Note. Last Friday I missed a dentist appointment in spite of having had it on a physical calender and my iphone with two back up reminders. About the time I was supposed to have gone to the dentist, I spontaneously decided to run to the drugstore. The first time I saw my phone that day was when I came out of the drugstore. It was after 4 pm and I saw the dentist had called.

I was horrified because the dentist was doing me a favor by fitting me in that day. The office was very nice and rescheduled me for Monday. On Monday early afternoon I realized my phone alarms had not gone off for my vitamins. The volume was fine but the SILENCE switch had been turned on. Brian said he hadn't done it and it's not something that can happen accidentally. That's when I said, "Someone really doesn't want to go to the dentist."

That night I was consciously powering my phone off and saw that the SILENCE switch had been turned on again (but my 10 p.m. alarm had sounded). That's my reference in the previous post that someone inside me was acting without my conscious knowledge.

In sharing what had happened with the Polyvore set, "In Transit", shown below, I got hit with another realization. My older sister  (internally named Lizzie) HATED going to the dentist. My mother always had to be sneaky about when Lizzie had the next appointment and tell her 10 minutes before. She was telling me who she was but I hadn't gotten the message without the answer that she was still "in transit".

Now for the scary part. The internalized sister parts of me, along with others, were programmed to take over consciousness and return to the fold, so to speak...whatever military base had last been the message or a certain address. The sister parts didn't surface until after I thought I had been fully integrated.

I don't know for certain whether other parts remain hidden deeply because they would have been too dangerous to surface before my current level of healing. I know that my protector would not have allowed anything dangerous to happen, but her having taken over my consciousness several times in the past week has been disconcerting. Better to miss a dentist appointment than return myself to hands that knew how to break me or worse. This was something that came up so many times in undoing my layers of programming. I wonder how many of us (from this type of programming) never get to fully heal because an alter turns themselves in or self-destructs.

A few years into my healing, several layers of programming had the message of going to visit my older sister (report back to the family). I'm so sad that she is part of that world and doesn't know it. Neither sister, to my knowledge, has awareness of our abuse.

I want to remember Lizzie as sitting on the floor of our bedroom when I was 4 or 5 and teaching me how to tie my shoes. Which brings to mind one more amazing aspect of DID. When I did internalize a person, their personality quirks (if known in conscious life) came with them, along with the original goodness they were meant to have. That Lizzie hated the dentist is just weird.

One more mystery that likely goes with Lizzie is my Thumper voice...a little who slurs words and mumbles. Except that voice sounds the same as my adult voice in my head. Only outsiders can hear the difference. Even as an adult, Lizzie tended to speak very softly and mumble. I used to stare at her mouth and wonder how she could speak when it seemed as if her lips weren't moving. Brian confirmed that I haven't always had the Thumper voice. It's something "fairly recent".

We're betting the Thumper voice will integrate with Lizzie. This is a big puzzle.

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