The "P" word

Those of us who were raised in that underworld of organized pedophilia are considered to be "programmed". We were probably trained to use that word because it evokes incredulity and disbelief. We aren't robots. We aren't computers. They have wanted us to think we were; but if you are reading this blog, you are healing. That would be a decision driven by your own free will. Those under the "mind control" of others have no free will. I propose we not use the word programming to refer to ourselves. I have gone to great lengths not to use it in this blog but wanted to make a point of referring to it today...for a safety reason.

Some believe if they are programmed they must go to a "deprogrammer". It is not necessary to be "deprogrammed" by another person to heal. A good therapist, or at least a willing therapist, can safely guide you to undo whatever you find internally on your own. You become the person who undoes your stuff. If you rely on someone else to "undo" what is there, how can you be sure it is in your best interest? The best therapist/survivor relationship is one where both agree on the methods of treatment.

That being said, I have some thoughts and opinions that do not necessarily reflect that of any or all of my colleagues in psychotherapy with regard to DID. Some therapists use hypnosis beyond that which is typically used in the treatment of DID. Sometimes a drug can be used so the host is not aware of conversations the therapist is having with an alter or alters. I have known survivors who were terrified of being in touch with some parts. In such cases, it may be a good idea to have work done under that type of hypnosis.

What I know of programming I learned from undoing my own with my therapist and hearing the stories of other survivors. A more or less common language is used by recovering survivors--the words used on them by the abusers. It is rare, within my realm of knowledge, that a survivor actually knows how they were programmed.

There are people "out there" in the world who claim to be former programmers who have healed and now are working with survivors to help them undo programming. The first question is, how do you know the former programmer is not still a programmer in another alter state. Programmers are very entrenched in that world and basically have no basis for empathy or emotional attachment. In other words, no scruples with regard to helping the bad guys maintain your dissociation rather than relieve it.

I confess I learned the hard way. When I first began to remember the government stuff, I was terrified of having been "programmed". It brings up all kinds of scary connotations, especially since we're talking about my brain! I was terrified to find a therapist because of FMSF reports blanketing the internet. Since I belonged to a survivor support group, I asked if anyone was aware of someone trustworthy. A woman I very much trusted referred me to a former programmer whom she had spent time with getting a jump start on healing. I wanted a jump start.

I spent a long weekend with the deprogrammer. I did learn a lot from her. She got me headed in the right direction. After that weekend, I maintained regular email contact with her to let her know of my progress. Several months after my visit with her, my system revealed that she had done something to me while I was with her...in a dissociative state. That meant she knew how to test to see if I still responded to certain cues and obviously I did. I think (I hope) all she did was make sure I gave her progress reports. At one point I processed a memory that was huge. I was into the government messages. The email she sent back to me included some phraseology that put me into a tailspin. The spinning was awful and it took me several days before realizing it led back to her email. I then pulled out the collages I had done while I was visiting with her. It was then I knew for certain she had "accessed" me and given me instructions. I stopped contact with her immediately and made sure my survivor friend was aware that, if she had been safe, she was no longer safe.

Unfortunately, there are people out there who can reinforce the old programming when you seek help to undo it. A therapist with little knowledge of how things are done is the safest route. Having someone who can stay with you through the really tough memories and not be phased by it is a wonderful therapist.

As a therapist, I sometimes had been asked by my client to say "x" or do "x" because it would help them undo something. After processing the reason for the request and why they needed me to do it rather than help them through doing it themselves, I did have occasion to help in that manner. Information coming from your system to you is very different than someone else telling you what needs to be done to your system.

You are the client and you have the control to tell a therapist you do not want to engage in a certain kind of therapy. You might change your mind later (as I did with EMDR), but you needn't do anything that feels disturbing to you. That includes any therapist suggesting they use certain tones, touches, or phrases to help activate certain alters or to calm down certain programming. What works for one client does not necessarily work for another. Only you can be the judge of what is right for you.

In the world of healing from such extreme abuse, I know it is difficult to be your own advocate. You need your therapist to be a partner in your healing. If you feel that you must please your therapist by submitting to whatever is suggested, it's not a healthy relationship. Even if the therapist is not hurting you, it is up to you to be okay to ask questions before anything new is tried.

There is nothing that was done to our minds that our minds can't undo by themselves. We are remarkable human beings. We are survivors.

The telling from inside

We all hear voices. I know this because the majority of my clients were not trauma survivors. They had issues. Any therapist who works with DID needs to find a balance of trauma work and less intense work. It was my experience that any client willing to enter the domain of their mind and engage in imagery or do "ego state" work, would likely get to their issues more quickly and heal more quickly. Most people can grasp the parent, adult, child selves. I spoke earlier about mother, daughter, sister, wife roles. So we all have parts. It's normal. It's good.

You might not categorize what you hear inside as "hearing voices" but they are there. When you reach for that second piece of cheesecake, you might hear "You know you're going to have to pay for that" or some other critical message. You might also hear "Go ahead. You deserve it. You haven't treated yourself in awhile." You might categorize that as a thought. Either way, it's a message you "hear".

In the medical and psychiatric community, anyone admitting to voices was likely diagnosed as schizophrenic. While there are some similarities, a main difference is someone with schizophrenia will describe voices outside of the self telling him to do something (from the television, from aliens, from demonic voices).

An objective of therapy is to change the messages to something positive and supportive--not to get rid of the messages.

Anyone with DID is likely to describe her experience using different words. Those of us who have had that moment when the first horrific memory leaks through is beyond description. As depicted in one of the collages, "It sucks". It's like falling into a black hole. "It feels like my head is going to explode". Dizziness may overwhelm the person.

Responses to knowing there are other aspects of the self inside vary from terrified to feelings of reassurance. Many have initially described "a lot of noise" inside. For someone with DID, hearing a voice is good. It means a self state is crossing over into consciousness. Healing can't occur until a trauma becomes conscious. Trauma becomes known to the healing host when it is conveyed by one or more self states who experienced the trauma. The message may come from telling of the trauma, writing the trauma, conveying the trauma internally on a "movie screen" (less intrusive than a flashback), through art (real or metaphorical images), flashbacks (which appear as a "real" moment of trauma happening in the mind) where one or more senses engaged in the original trauma might re-enact images, pain, and/or position of the body as well as the emotions including terror. Flashbacks are intense.

All of my abuse feels like it was told to me by someone else. It has never felt "first person". I've had validation for some important information to know that at least some elements were true. I can never know how much was real or a very well orchestrated environment to make it appear certain things happened. Whatever happened--and something happened or a trauma would not have been stored--needs to heal. The self states who recall a trauma may come together to relay the memory or the host might receive the same memory from several parts at different times on the healing journey. The images shared in this post are two views of the same memory by alters of different ages.

Because of the fear to tell, sometimes drawing or collaging can feel less intimidating to the self states, all of whom were constantly threatened if they ever told. An advantage to art is it provides an outlet for the self states to process memories that the host may never need to know. She just sees images that have no meaning or may come to have meaning further down the healing path. The mind is incredible when it comes to watching how others have the capacity to heal. Several of the excellent survivor blogs I follow present art therapy. It's a wonderful tool. Art is telling in a different way.

This is such a complex topic and the purpose of this blog is to simplify the complex so readers can get a good feeling without all the details. Know that an objective of healing is for the host to embrace that she is multiple and work with her selves, as they become known, to heal. Are there scary insiders? Yes. But they all have the capacity to heal. And often the scariest parts turn out to be a very young scared child "made to be" mean or scary. They are so relieved to be rescued.

It's rare that a healing survivor does not discover protectors. Protectors can be a stabilizing, reassuring voice throughout the healing journey and beyond. Protectors come in various states of being, at various ages, with various jobs. Some might encompass very loving and nurturing traits much needed by littles who have never known safety in the outside world. Some may become internal friends to the healing adult. I often describe the major part of healing as becoming very internal. The survivor may well withdraw from her external world except for therapy and other support or responsibilities such as wife and mother.

On the far side of healing, either the host makes a natural transition back to the outside world or, in my case, protectors push you out because it's no longer healthy to be inside as much. Healing from DID is similar to watching a flower bloom. The host opens one petal at a time and learns how to maintain growth and nurturing and self care to continue blooming. It's an arduous process. Having those internal friends is a blessing. Knowing those selves protected us from the horrors is difficult for most to imagine. It allows for an element of internal trust to guide the healing when the survivor is not knowing who in the external world is trustworthy. It is for those with DID who have been so shattered that they constantly fear what is happening inside in addition to not trusting the outside world that self harm thoughts and attempts are increased and healing becomes extremely challenging.

People with DID grow up being silenced in every possible way. How tragic they awake to a world that continues to silence the truth and treats them so cruelly. Ignorance is not bliss for the world. Please open your minds to all of the voices trying to speak the truth.